Step It Up and Dance: You can dance under my umbrella.

This song’s fifteen minutes is lasting forever- ever- ever.

Welcome back to the week, gang! I hope you had a nice long Memorial Day weekend. I got to spend a little time this weekend with a former cast member of Melrose Place, and this was a highly special experience for me as I still think Melrose Place is possibly the best show of all time. But my celeb experience was nothing compared to that of our Step It Up and Dance contestants. What mythical icon did they meet, I hear you ask? No, it’s not the above pop princess. They got to meet…Tina. Freaking. Landon. Yes, it’s true. Tina. Freaking. Landon. If this means nothing to you either, please read on.

Good morning from Pegasus! And look at our little doll who’s back. At least his antics are saving us from a Mean Gay Morning Bitchfest. Italian is doing whatever it takes to stick around this time. He’s even cutting hair with regular scissors. And Cody is totally letting him. Downplaying that whole star thing. So Italian is a hairstylist, too, in addition to being a sought after esthetician? And he charges more than $20 for his services? What’s he even doing dancing? He needs to open a day spa. And instead of having elevator, new age music playing, just have a loop of his greatest hits. “In your faaayyaaaace….” Literally!

And Stud Muff feels fantastic! He makes an elaborate sign as he says “fantastic” and I can only hope that it’s some special sign language from the bizarre world he lives in.

Sign language for hearing impaired magical elves.

He asks Star Cody where he cuts his hair. Supercuts? Whatta burn. Cody agrees that dance comes before looking like an Italian Stud Muffin. Cody returns the joke by saying that his strategy is to give Stud Muffin carpal tunnel and Stud Muffin laughs politely, pretending he knows what that is.

Why are you making that faayaaace when I tell you I am going to wax you next?

Cheerleader is having a mental breakdown, which surprises me. I didn’t know her mental faculties were up and running to begin with. She’s sidekicking her boyfriend and boo-hooing like Mean Gay was last week. No wonder her and Mean Gay are friends. How DARE everyone be better than her? Mochi is good at everything and that’s just “bullshit”. I agree that anyone does anything I do is bullshit. It just doesn’t even make sense to me. And listen to her litany of woes: She has to point her toe, hold her center, not be a fat ass. She’s the only dancer to ever hear these awful, fascist orders. Look on the bright side! You always get to have your frowny dude face.

Funnier in Spanish. Thanks for playing.

Mean Gay wants to move on from the fight with Mochi. Despite the constant stream of aggro comments, he’s actually not here to fight. They both are over it and she apparently loves him, too. But enough with the riveting interpersonal dynamics of our group. Their morning sidekick message tells them to not forget their sunglasses and hats. Or “hets” as Stud Muffin pronounces. Straight Nick is also too red-blooded American to understand them foreigners accents and asks Stud Muffin what a “het” is.

Sign language for everyone but magical elves and gay Italians.

And what’s Straight Nick got to tell us this morning? He feels he’s building steam at this point in the competition. He’s done a little 180 from last week. His optimism has him suggesting that maybe this is maybe a day off. Yeah, right, says our Star Cody. They’ve been going everyday straight.

So…is this competition like a week long? Really I’m not getting the time relation here. I’ve always wondered that about shows. They always make it seem like the competition goes at this breakneck speed, so really are they all just two weeks?

And our dancers emerge from Pegasus to find a Hummer limo waiting for them. And everyone loses their minds. Mean Gay has never been in a limo all his life. Wha? He acts like he’s such a badass and he’s never been in a limo? It’s not like you have to be a celebrity to ride in a limo. I once took a limo to a Jimmy Buffett concert in high school. I’m not kidding. Those were different times.

Nomi is waiting for our group and everyone is elated to see her, except for Stud Muffin who wanted it to be “Ricky Martin” or “Cher”. Oh please. Now you’re sounding just like a cliché. Next thing you know you’re going to be talking about how much you love being Joan Crawford for Halloween and how Bea Arthur is your biggest inspiration and then I’ll have to cut you off.

Come quickly! All the Versayce dresses in the world are filling this giant vehicular monstrosity!

So the other superstar in the limo is “Tina Freakin’ Landon”. Straight Nick can’t even believe he’s feasting his eyes on her. Tina Landon is so legendary that her existence was practically doubted. Who knew she would let mere mortals feast on the sight of her flesh period, much less deign to appear on a Bravo show. Anyone else heard of her?

Sorry, but the real Tina Landon is choreographing for God. This is her talking wax robot stand-in.

You don’t get much better than that! says Nick. You name it she’s choreographed for them. She’s even choreographed for Ricky Martin! So…it’s kind of like Ricky Martin is in the limo, right? A piece of him at least. Either way, this is more references to Ricky Martin in one minute than I thought I would do the whole recap.

So Mean Gay jumps on the asskissing bandwagon immediately. As someone that is trying to establish himself as a choreographer. He is like SO inspired by her. She is a choreography ICON. And so is he. The wax robot says nothing in response.

And, Nomi announces, she is currently choreographing and directing for this artist. I’m in suspense. Beyoncé? Danity Kane? Oh, well, look who we have here. If it’s not underexposed, underrated pop singer Rihanna. Thank god Bravo is giving her some coverage.

Oh and guess what, dancers. Rihanna orders them to step it up. But the dancers seem far less excited to see her than Tina. But they listen because that’s what Tina Landon wants. They’re going to be dancing to one of Ri-ri’s songs. AND, more importantly, they’re going to win the chance to work with Tina on her next job! Well, gosh darn. Who knew Bravo had such big connections?

Unlike you, I’ve met the real Tina Landon.

They’re going to be learning choreography from a music video and Cheerleader can’t believe her good fortune. This is the biggest opportunity she’s had in her ENTIRE LIFE. What about auditioning for a feature film like Step It Up to The Streets? Or the chance to appear on Seinfeld? See. The mental breakdown happened long ago.

So Nomi announces that this will be the last challenge before the Final Round where one of them will win $100,000. And this just sends me in a tizzy. What is going on? Is next week the finale? We’ll have five dancers left. That’s too many for finals. I confess I get unnaturally stressed at this announcement, but I have to move on because we’ve arrived at our destination they’re going up to a rooftop in downtown LA which is decked out like a standard music video set. And the rooftop really brings home the glamorous lifestyle of a music video dancer in LA. It’s a city of fame! Success! Entertainment! exclaims Cheerleader. This is what she’s been waiting for. This is what she came to do. Dance in a fake music video!

Jer is waiting for them on the roof and invites them to step on the dance floor. There are mirrors. There are lights. They is even a helicopter shooting aerial shots of them. All this to mock up a music video shoot? This seems a bit extravagant. Maybe Rihanna fronted the dough. She’s heard about what a career maker Bravo is.

Actually it’s just Bi Mike about to drop down. He’s never going home.

Jer announces that this is the perfect backdrop for their challenge! Downtown LA is where it all starts. From Skid Row to the STARS! They’re going to be learning choreography from the Rihanna’s “Umbrella” video, which since many of you have never heard, is a song about standing under her umbrella, ella, ella. And she’ll be there forever. Many of you may not be familiar with the obscure track.

So in real life they got five days to work on the choreography. In Step It Up life they get an hour. So let’s get started! Who wants to help her, she asks? I will! Mean Gay shoots up his hand. The big help job is handing out six people umbrellas. You should just win now.

I have a question. Does kissing your ass make my dancing look better?

And now we get his big soliloquy on how much he is meant to win this challenge. Unlike a million other dancer is the world. This is his world. He is practically wax robot Tina. This is the world he “bathes” in. Yes, he says bathes in. His “genius is at her stature”. Yes, he combines “genius” and “stature.”

So now we get the Umbrella Lecture from Tina Landon. Umbrellas are an important artistic medium to work with and it will be no joke. This is an extension of your body. Love it, live it. You have to grab it, hold it. It’s your new best friend.

And Tina is off to the races knocking out eight counts. She reminds us that in video dancing you’re not trying to outshine anyone else. Your trying to blend in. Oh, and guess who’s back to put in her two cents. It’s Ri-Ri! Nobody cares. So she just talks to us to let us know what its’ all about. When doing music videos, they look for clean dancers. And Tina makes them learn the hardest routines. And she’s no joke. Oh, we know, Ri-Ri. We know. Tina’s busting their asses and telling them their fired and then reminding them they’ve only learned two eight counts.

The real Tina Landon wouldn’t speak or look directly to anyone.

Straight Nick has done a lot of music videos, but working with Tina Landon is the highest honor in this competition. Yes, we get it. Rihanna is nothing compared to the goddess Tina. And how is poor Mochi Ball doing today? Well, Mochi is still feeling slow locking the combinations down. As we all remember, she had a hard time with the salsa challenge, humiliated herself in front of the group, Jordi Caballero and his latin nymph and is still not locking things in her cabeza quickly today.

Mean Gay who has been busy talking about himself now goes back to talking about others. Mean Gay thinks that Mochi Ball, Italian and Star Cody are too precise for this type of dance, so he’s thinking that himself, Cheerleader and Straight Nick have the edge. And Italian Stud Muffin is indeed struggling. He’s all, when do you dance with an umbrella? Um, nevs! Good point, Italian. Why don’t you say that so the Tina proxy can hear you? She’s programmed to stab all dissenters with the umbrella.

And Jers back calling time. That’s it. Time to audition and Tina Landon robot will pick two team leaders. Here we go! Cheerleader is overdancing and cheesing on everything. I can’t stop looking at her hamming her hamming . Cody looks tight as usual. Oscar looks a bit off count every now and then. But all and all, it looks solid for being only an hour. Kudos to our group. That was full out! cheers Jer!

I bathe in the bath salts of my own genius, too.

And Mean Gay loved his performance. He slammed his performance. He’s ready to marry his umbrella. It was like an extension of him. Almost like his hair, his says. His hair is extensions? Figures.

So now the verdict. Who is team captain. Mean Gay informs us that he’s totally going to get it. Tina’s first team captain is Nick. Nick is elated. He won something! Finally!

And who is the second captain? Cheerleader? Mean Gay? It has to be between our veteran hip-hoppers, correct? Nope. Wrong. It’s effing Star Cody, of course. Get over it. He would rock a polka challenge and everyone needs to deal with it.

I wish I could cry in Spanish right now.

What about all that bathing we do together?

Tina thought they were both crisp and got all the details within the choreography. So now the two choose their teams. Straight Nick picks first. He goes with Mean Gay since he’s heard Mean Gay talk all about how awesome he is. Star Cody picks Cheerleader, which is a light slap in the face to Mochi Ball. And Straight Nick takes the opportunity to scoop up a Mochi Ball. Mochi informs us that she’s all whatevs. Cody can do what he wants. They’re not attached at the hip. Take that, Star. So Stud Muffin is last, but he can roll with it at this point.

Mad Dog Mochihontas.

Now it’s time to leave their fake music video set and work on two different pieces of choreography to incorporate what Tina just taught them. Get to it.

So walking into the rehearsal studio Mean Gay calls Jer “Jer Bear” and I curse myself for not coming up with that myself. Whatever. He takes weirdo baths. For the callback challenge there will be four eight counts of choreography. They will have two hours to rehearse. Straight Nick is up first and he knows he’s the team leader, but he wants them all to be in it together. So they start from the floor which is where they ended with Tina’s choreography. It’s all about blending in Tina’s style with their own. Can a straight man do it? Stay tuned!

The first group gels well and Mean Gay tips his cap to Straight Nick for choosing him. Even though Tina didn’t think he was good enough to be team captain, Mean Gay is still THE Natural Born Choreographer and is the true leader of this challenge. Even if no one else recognizes it.

Shhh..Genius at work.

They seem to play off each other’s ideas very well, even if they are all unanimously sore. And this is when we being to discuss the Age Factor in dancing. Mochi declares she needs an “eighteen-year-old body”. Mochi is thirty-one and even though I’m sure she still gets carded, her body is feeling the age. Mochi Ball wants to break the age stigma. She feels the older you get the more “professional” you get. Basically getting older in the dance industry means you “don’t complain”. Wow, not complaining is sure to get you hired over young and awesome.

Active Seniors Magazine May 2008 Cover

They come up with a little down the back move with the umbrella that serves as their “risky” trick. It looks good, but doesn’t seem risky. Their last run through is solid and seems in line with Tina’s style. No one is shining and they look like a background unit. Well played, Tina devotees.

Poor, addled old person jumping around in back won’t be so happy when she remembers all the bad luck she’s getting right now.

Enough of that. Let’s do a 180 and visit Star Cody’s group. Whereas Mochi is all geriatric professionalism, Cheerleader is all youthful brattiness. She doesn’t like any of Cody’s ideas. She feels like the lone hip-hopper, but Tina didn’t pick her so she should really STFU. She complains and Cody tries as hard as possible to appease her. She screams for the music like an impetuous child. She hates it before he comes out with anything. She’s demanding and even Cody is bringing up her age as a factor in her sucking so much.

Italian can’t take either one of them. Cheerleader is sharp, Cody is fast and Stud Muffin just wants to take a breath. His idea contribution is to do some pirouettes in second, which nobody else goes for. Even I know the judges don’t want to see that.

Cheerleader is relentless with her nattering. She is aggressively self-unaware, negative and whiny. And she plays with her hair every time she’s annoyed. Basically she’s fluffing and preening the whole rehearsal. Let’s take a look!

CODEEEEE.

I HATE CODEEEEE.

EVERYTHING YOU SAY SUCKS, CODEEE!

WEDGEEE.

Cody doesn’t think that what they came up with something very strong and if they hadn’t had Cheerface in the room it would have been totally different. When time is called she makes a snide, whiny passive-aggressive remark about it butting heads. This bitch can go anytime.

Back at the apartments, Italian is having a tough time. He’s making weird noises to stay Zen and wearing his special sleep onesie.

I’m off to dream with the magical elves.

Mean Gay and Cheerface are bitching about Cody and Mochi Ball. Cheerleader calls them innocent and Mean Gay says in his bitchy homo voice that they’re NOT the “next big dance stars”. No! concurs Cheerleader, who still has not stopped playing with her hair since one o’clock this afternoon. They might be the next big dance partners. Whatta burn. And then comes the Age Factor again. They bust the mad hateration on how old they are. They laugh how THEY can dance for another ten years. And do you know how long ten years is from now? Let’s get some perspective here. Cheerleader says that in ten years she’s going to be in a flying car! Who knew Cheerleader was so scientific? I take it all back.

And they will not fly on gasoline…they will fly on YOUTH JUICE.

Elimination day! They’re having the breakfast of champions: bacon. Cody’s team is not feeling good about what they came up with yesterday. Italian knows he’s too ballet and Cheerleader doesn’t like Codeeeee.

So Tina is at the rehearsal space to help incorporate the two groups choreography for the performance. They’re doing Tina’s choreography, then Nick’s group, Cody’s group and then all together once more for a finale. It seems like a lot, so hopefully Mochi’s Alzheimer’s isn’t acting up today.

It’s a little adjustment for the two teams together. There’s blocking issues to work out, especially considering they have umbrellas to poke eyes out with. People are still gushing about being in the same room as the incomparable Ms. Landon and I’m still thinking people should have had this feeling about being in the same room as circus of the future master Jacques Heim. That name alone still impresses me.

The last two sets of eight brings the group together and Tina is looking who is taking her notes but also leaves her wondering how they did that. Luckily the last two sets of eight are going to be nice and easy just to bring them back and end it. When they run through it all, they finally get to see each other’s choreography and the catty comments begin.

Thank god for this cane so I can hobble my way towards the light. Goodbye, cruel Step It Up world.

Italian didn’t think there was anything exciting about Straight Nick’s choreography, but Star was impressed. He thought they had a lot of unison, which is a concern for his group. Straight Nick obviously thinks Cody is too flashy and that he’s trying to be the star. News flash: He is a STAH! Mean Gay calls the choreography “awkward” and “not good”. What’s he going to say? It’s better. Mix it up a little, Mean Gay. You’re the visionary.

Tina’s note for Nick’s group is that they need to let go of their technique and to give it an edge. Cody’s group doesn’t feel they’re a unit and that they’re all trying to outshine each other. You can’t help but shine when you’re a STAH.

In the dressing room, Stud Muffin is talking about how he has to go to the gym and Mochi Ball is talking about how she has wrinkles. Age Reference #21349852435. Seriously, you get older each time you mention it.

Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees…Ha ha. The young people love that one!

Everybody is wanting to win this one, the whole assisting Tina Landon thing. I don’t understand what they win. Is this like a shadow day? Or they assist her, like hold her coffee assist her? They should be more specific, because this prize could really suck.

So the dancers take the stage and the panel is introduced as always. And our dancers begin. I like the funny run they do at the beginning. Seeing it performed, Tina’s choreography looks great. It looks hard, fast and sexy without seeming flashy. I’m not ready to become a minion, but I like her style.

Cheerleader’s faces are distractingly embarrassing. As are our Italian’s, who looks really gay. Straight Nick’s group looks better indeed. It meshes with Tina’s choreography really well. I especially dig when they use the umbrellas like machine guns. Cody’s group actually is too flashy.

Oh look. A star is falling out of the heavens to grace us with its perfect technical dancing.

If the judges want old and limpy and scrunchy-faced, I’ll give them old and limpy and scrunchy-faced.

Overall though, I am impressed with our group. They are good dancers and they learned it in record time. Once the judging begins, Tina lays right into Cody saying that the group wasn’t cohesive. And Cody goes right after the other two. He says that there was an energy of “Cody, what are we doing?” Oh, Star. Don’t play that card. Cheerface never shut up about what she wanted to do. I’ll give her that.

Vincent actually liked Cody’s choreography better. Tina thought that Nick’s was better for her style, though. Disney Nancy, God agree. She felt like with Nick she was watching one of Tina’s videos. But Vincent is still rah-rah for Star. As someone should. At all times. Didn’t Disney Nancy find Star’s jump phenomenal? Yes, but it did nothing for her. Disney Nancy is stone cold. I love her. And I love her bangs. I love her voice and droll humor. I think it’s time I finally say something. I may not agree with her, but Disney Nancy is a hot bitch.

Someday I will have my own wax robot proxy.

So who did Tina like best? Mochi Ball! Mochi Ball took her notes, cleaned up everything. And Vincent is on that train, too. The best things come in small packages, he says. Small, old packages.

I hear young people make big happy faces when they are excited.

Nick is also getting mad kudos. Vincent calls him the dark horse and Disney Nancy is finally seeing his desire. He’s now a contender. Mean Gay’s note is that he gets too excited and as a result it comes out as too much. Cue footage of him doing some real faggy hamming on a simple walk step. Disney Nancy takes over the ridicule by saying he was all “I’m in this video! I’m so hired!” And was like that’s the goal! The goal was to look lame and over eager? That’s a stature, too.

I hear gay people make big gay faces when they are super gay.

Tina said that Cody needs to tone it down. Disney Nancy says he needs to be less Broadway, which like theatre versus film acting is larger and overstated. And now for Italian. His smoothness comes across as too soft. And now lets lay into Cheerface. Right off the bat Tina calls her a cheerleader and says that she was cheesing it up. And here comes the Age Factor! Vincent dives into her immaturity and says she needs more experience. Well, when she has more experience, she’s just going to drive right off in that flying car! So get her while you can, haters!

And now our baby cheerleader is crying like one. What’s up, asks DN. She doesn’t want to dance immature! So…let me get this straight. You want to act immaturely, treat people immaturely and talk immaturely, but you don’t want it to show in your dancing? Well it doesn’t work that way, sugar tits. Next.

DN then goes on to say exactly what I haven’t been able to put my finger on, which is that she looks like she’s in a dance competition. Now that’s a burn. She totally mugs it like like she’s over the moon she’s at ShowStoppers. Now that’s some high school shit right there. Give me a Mochi Ball over this popsicle any day.

Huh?

So now it’s time to chat and this time the dancers are dismissed to the back of the stage. Get some consistency, judges. It really effs with my mind when you send them this way and that.

So who was strong, asks Nomi? Vincent really wanted Mean Gay to do well in this because he knew he wanted it so bad, but he just didn’t. For Tina it was Mochi Ball who shined. Go, AARP. And Vincent concurs. Then he says something totally bizarro. He claims that’s she’s been this little girl that no one noticed and now she’s fighting for it. She’s been bringing her A-game since day one. Maybe he hasn’t been paying attention, but she’s been mad doggin it the whole time and danced with an injury for Jacques Heim. Now who has Alzheimers? Huh?

Disney Nancy is also proud of Nick and it’s agreed that as a leader and as a performer. So those two are the tops this week.

The two bottoms are Cheerface and Italian. Italian works hard, but it’s not his style. Cheerface is immature and she can’t hide anymore.

So now it’s time to announce the winner. It’s between Mochi and Straight Nick and then we learn that it’s a tie between our permanent judges, so Tina Landon gets to tie-break. DN chose Nick and Vincent chose Mochi. And Tina casts her vote for Straight Nick giving him his first win. He’s the only one that hadn’t one yet and he is stoked to “assist” Tina Landon.

I look forward to washing her floors with a toothbrush and getting her dog a manicure.

Miguel and Cody are dismissed and told they did well. So now it’s down to Stud Muffers and Cheerface. And DN brings it again saying that if this were a dance for cheerleaders and they were called “The Umbrella Team” she would be the captain. As a dancer, the insults don’t get worse. Disney Nancy should only send her wax robot proxy from now on.

But at the end of the day, Italian is just not made for this and so it’s arrivederci Italian. Sigh. It was nice while it lasted. Veni, vidi, but no vici. And then he refuses to do a last dance, saying that he already did it. What? I demand another last dance. Thems the rules. But no dice. He seems pretty resigned to his fate. I guess it hurts most the first time.

Maybe if I danced in my special sleep onesie, no?

And now the dancers are called back out on stage. What is going on? Well, these are our final five. So back to my question. We’re in the finals…but next week is not the finale? Nomi tells them that they are going to pack up and head home. And everyone is so excited. They finally can take a nice epsom salt bath, except for Mean Gay who will still be bathing in the same world as Tina Landon. In their time off, they are all going to choreograph a one minute solo. When they come back they will have their final opportunities to show who they are as dancers.

Mochi does a weird little moonwalk off the stage in excitement. Moonwalking is all the rage among the young people! We go back to the apartment and watch them pack and I’m not used to this extra scene. It needs to just end now. We watch our dancers get all jacked for the break and a chance to get back to class and sleep and recover. There’s lots of big talk from everyone about not leaving without a $100,000.

Cheerleader reminds us that she deserves to be there even though she’s been in the bottom two for the last three challenges. Meh. She’s gotten lucky. If someone had been up for elimination last week, she would have been gone. They never would have kept her over Star. And isnt’ it adorable that Mean Gay leaves with his Stomp lid as a souvenir. I still think about Luke Cresswell and his merry band of chimney sweeps.

And coming up! The competition just seems to continue as usual, so I’m not sure what the big “finals” talk is all about, nor the big dramatic break, except to give Mean Gay a chance to cut his hair, thank god. Jer Bear got a hair cut too. Cheerface is crying and Mochi is getting tough. All in all it looks good.

How is it all going to go down on Step It Up and Dance? Any predictions? Is anyone else sad to see Stud Muffin go twice, or was it deserved?

Among other things, this sign means “We will miss you, Gay Italian Stud Muffin.”

Thanks for supporting me through my time of having a life last week. Again, I hope you had a lovely government holiday.

Love, Lady S.