Step It Up and Dance Finale Pt 1: Take a look at yourself and make a changé.

If only I had one glove and a penchant for little boys. Now that would be a change.

Welcome to finale part one of Step It Up and Dance! It’s all come down to this. Weeks of grueling partnering, exhausting prop work and never-ending gay Mexican hateration have brought us here. So what else is left but a lyrical number to a moving Michael Jackson piece? Sure we’ve had more outrageous challenges, but we’ve never had so many tears! And nothing lubricates a recap like an abundance liquified emotion!

So what did our dancers do with all their time off? Watch reality TV and eat inordinate amounts of Trader Joes’ ice cream sandwiches like the rest of us/me? Alas, apparently they are a bunch of overachievers with inconceivable amounts of energy as usual, as we learn that in their time off all the dancers met in NYC to promote the show and perform the choreography from “Thriller” for the 25th anniversary. For those that don’t know, groups all over the country formed impromptu dance troupes to perform the Thriller choreography. My BFF in NYC formed and led one of them and I am so very proud of her. Go, Mel!

Old people can lead full and meaningful lives just like the rest of us.

We get a clip of their performance at the Tribeca Film Festival and everyone is virtually unrecognizable underneath all the makeup, except for Mochi Ball of course, whose tiny exuberant spasms make her instantly recognizable. And then we go back to La-La for part one of the finale.

Then we get the individual breakdowns of how they spent their time: Mochi Ball went straight back into the Lion King during her break, doing eight shows a week. But more importantly she’s in love with a some dude (she refers to him as “beautiful boyfriend”) and he has bad facial hair and he’s been in love with her (i.e. stalking) her for ten years.

He’s kind of looks like the Indian Snoop Dogg so I don’t let it creep me out so much.

We also hear the ol’ song and dance about how her mom got her into dance at four. She’s been so supportive, etc etc. She’s been in the business for a long time (since the turn of the 20th century) and deserves to win this, because, unlike everyone else, her victory would be an homage to every dance teacher she’s had.

So what’s new with everyone else, Mochi Ball asks in the limo from LAX. Well, Cheerleader made a cheerleading video. Go figure. She says it’s, like, cheerleading, with like, technique and, like, pom poms. But really it’s a cheer video and she’s not going to win this. Not even close.

She also has a boyfriend, Simon. They met at “Jamz”, so I guess he’s not the poor schmuck who had to listen to her bitch and moan about being a fat ass on the Sidekick before the hiatus. I’d like to reiterate again that she will not win this.

I’m with Stupid.

She also wants to win it for all the people that taught her how to chasé and jazz sqaure and what have you. It’s like when Marlon Brando accepted the Academy Award on behalf Native Americans, but not.

Mean Gay finally admits that everyone in the finals has something to contribute and is a legitimate dancer. Maybe he watched the show during the break. During his time off, he filmed a show on MTV called “Bust a Ritmo” and I can only imagine how awesome that is going to be. I googled it and it will be airing on MTV Tr3s. I’m sure it’s available if anyone wants to recap it.

He also taught at the Edge in Hollywood and back in his hometown of Delano, CA. He tells us that his dad used to make them perform in the driveway and he would record their recitals, and it sounds an awful lot like a dad that was actually supportive, despite his incessant bitching to the contrary. We see Mean Gay’s parents who are adorable and infinitely nicer than he is. This piece of fruity fruit feel far from the tree.

Done and done.

Cody is coming out with a movie “Center Stage 2″ which sounds like it’s going to be straight to the center stage of a DVD bin near you. For instance, who knew there was a first “Center Stage”? He’s also been back on Broadway doing the Grease thing. He just loves dance and we get another growing-up-as-a-dancer montage. Cody’s is a little more poignant as we learn that his dance partner died, his girlfriend died and then his house burned down.

And who is left? Ah, yes. Straight Nick. He’s shot some commercials during the hiatus AND he got to meet the REAL Tina Landon. We learn that he helped on a Rihanna dance video and basically took notes for Tina.

I need to reschedule my meeting with the President and tell Rihanna that Jay-Z likes me better.

We aren’t spared the slideshow of young Nick dancing either. One photo he looks like a lost Von Trapp kid and it makes me like him a little more. Then there’s a photo where he’s in a sailor outfit and he looks like he’s in the MotherBoy XXX competition from Arrested Development and now I think he’s super awesome. He brings up again that this competition was to help him find his love for dance again, because nothing makes you love dance like a hundred Gs.

Narrowly defeated by Lucille and Buster Bluth that year.

So the group is checking out their new digs in LA which are significantly nicer than the previous ones. On the balcony they have champagne waiting for them, but no time to celebrate, they are off to meet Jer Bear and Nomi.

This is the best retirement community EVS!

So now it’s time to make the competition even tougher. Did they really think that they would only be performing solos? I sure didn’t. That would only be like five minutes of screen time. Of course there’s a challenge! And this challenge is going to take them to the limits, which they say every week, but let’s just keep redrawing that line. It’s like the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever week after week.

And now their guest choreographers for the week…who will it be? They are taunting us with the line that this week they’ll be working with two of the most recognizable faces in the dance world…and it sure is! VINCENT AND DISNEY NANCY! Yee-haw! I’m stoked to spend more time with these two.

You’re gonna weep, my little ones.

Cody is nervous because he feels like sometimes there’s no pleasing Nancy. How could anything be good enough for her? She is perfection. Vincent is going to be choreographing a piece for them to Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror”. Are you kidding me? Is this the eighties? Couldn’t we do something a tad more relevant. I do like how no one ever refers to Michael’s current incarnation when they discuss him as an artist and heap praise on him. It’s like he might as well be dead.

Well, this all seems an elaborate plot to mention that Vinnie has worked with Wacko Jacko quite a bit (when he was alive and Off-the-Wall awesome), for fifteen years, choreographing tours, et al. And even he assisted on Thriller, the Most Famous Choreography in the Galaxy. He was also one of the ZOMBIES! Those were actually people we can meet and interface with? What a world.

Drooling motor oil: The high point of Vinnie’s dance career!

And btw, Disney Nancy is adorable in her skeleton hoodie. She’s here to check in on how they work and if she could take them on a world tour. As a dancer, how do you prepare? They are going to have four hours today and two hours tomorrow, plenty o’ time to get chummy with our judges. I want to see some major ass-kissing.

Mean Gay feels a little mind-effed because he thought that they were just going to do the solos. And all the dancers are a bit intimidated. They will be looking closer technically and want it to be more emotional. So prepare for more criticism and more tears. Awesome.

And we finally get to see these two bust a move! I wonder how the would have judged their own performances. For old people they’re not so bad, but I don’t think Jer Bear would have called it “full out”. So let us begin. They start as if they are in a mirror. Feel the body and then look up! Into the mirror!

Professional choreographers or Jazzercise on a cruise ship?

It’s not just dance moves, explains Vin. It’s an emotional journey. Tyra would approve of all this. It’s all about making the change! BE that change you want to see in the world. Mean Gay feels that technical dancing is he weakness, whereas Cody feels it’s his strength but Cody is already feeling some heat from Vin. He needs to let go. Straight Nick needs to relax. He can’t be too “roman coin”. Well, that’s a new one. Centurion as a synonym for stiff? Holla!

Cheerleader is whining about how she can’t do it. Actually, whining in a chipmunk voice to be specific. The judges are sort of nice to her, in a condescending, you’re-a-moron sort of way. DN talks very slowly about weight placement and thinking. There’s a lot for her to work on! admits Cheer Face. That’s the spirit!

Mean Gay says he’s struggling and says that he feels too old for this. His “movement quality” is still great though, which sounds like he just passed an entrance exam at an assisted living place. Oh no! Will he be dead for flying space cars? Is aging contagious? Perhaps Cheerleader will be the only one left standing as progeria spreads like wildfire among the dancers.

Loss of neck control is the first sign of instant old person disease.

And at the mention of age, Mochi Ball has to pipe up about how achy and sore she is and how those social security checks bought her plane ticket out here. Way to spend that government money wisely.

At the end, Jer Bear comes in with his own critique. which sounds like the old critique. Cody isn’t letting go, Mean Gay is letting go too much. Mean Gay is having an internally hard time. He went from all bravado, to all loser talk. Another contagious disease. DN tells him it’s his fault he’s not the dancer he was at eighteen. It’s his own damn fault he let himself go. Yes, yes. So true. Mean Gay responds very well to this tough talk. He feels that Nancy gets him. It’s even, like, weird how she gets him. Although, she raises her fists for some daps action, which means she can’t really. Gay boys don’t dap.

And back at the ranch, Mean Gay is on the roof, making mimosas by just pouring champagne and oj straight in his mouth. Now there’s how to find your inner butch! Daps to that.

All good change starts with booze.

Mochi is doing geriatric rehabilitation exercises and groaning about how good it feels. And moaning about how she’s old. Somethings will never change.

Next day it’s back to work. Everybody is eating bacon and Cheerleader is turning nineteen. Yes, happy birthday, dolly girl. You age just like the rest of us. And all it means is that now she’s year closer to the end of her career.

So Mochi Ball has wheelie shoes and I’m so jealous. A kid i used to nanny for had them and I was mad jel.

Portable dialysis kit in tow.

Disney Nancy shows up in the am to beat more emotionality out of them. They weren’t feeling it enough so she wants to make sure they feel it, because you have to go far with it in this piece. Michael Jackson and Disney Nancy LOVE emotion.

So now they each have to do it individually for the group. Straight Nick is up first and he looks more pained than anything. He describes it as a coming-of-age story. What is this? “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”. He just hopes he can get across what he’s trying to portray. You know, like he’s a character from Dickens novel. It looks like he’s feeling something at least. Disney says that it’s the most she’s seen from him but, of course, she could have seen more. It’s never enough for Disney Nancy. She owns twelve skeleton hoodies and it’s still not enough skeleton hoodies.

Mochi Ball makes up for her oldness with her raw emotion. Maybe aging was her inspiration. I get goosebumps. Or maybe because the window is open as I type this and it just got breezy. Mochi Ball is crying now. Aging is hard, Mochi Ball.

Old people do funny things.

Star Cody is up and nails the choreography, but Disney Nancy wants him to put more guts in it. Stop being such a snob. And I think that is an accurate description for how our Star dances. There is a coldness to his performance. Perhaps he should look in that mirror a bit closer. But that offends him. Star says he’s no snob. He demands another adjective because he thinks that it sounds like he’s an asshole. She tells him not to just be another defensive asshole. Otherwise he just may not be able to take it to the next level. If you can’t be called an asshole, you can’t be a star. Nancy Logic.

Mean Gay pulls a Mochi Ball from a couple weeks ago, proving perhaps aging is contagious. He froze, forgot the piece and looked to Cheerleader of all people for help. Speaking of, she fumbles a bit, too. Cheerleader is shaking during her performance feels like her legs were buckling when she lands. DN asks if she knew beforehand she was going to be like that and when she says yes, she says then she should have thought ahead. This bitch has an answer for everything. You can’t get away with shit. I tried, says Cheer, but it’s hard to think ahead. Unless it’s for spacemobiles. She then cries because what if Mean Gay dies before we have flying cars.

What if there’s no youth juice left?

Cheerleader calls DN a hardcore bitch but that’s a good thing. She beat it out of them! Move over, Tyra. There’s a new emotional guru in town. So, Nurse Ratchett, did you get ‘em? asks Vincent as he finally strolls in. I got them right where I want them, she cackles in her skeleton unitard and witch hat.

And they perform for Vincent and he is so happy to see them. He even cries at the end it was so good. Now he even has different thoughts about who could possibly win. Wow, screams Jer Bear, appearing out of nowhere. Vincent defends his tears saying that he always lets out his emotion. He’s part Polish. What? I’m, like, all Polish and I’ve never heard that we let it all out. I didn’t know that’s what we were famous for. I thought we had pierogis and getting our asses kicked. And I’m so emotionally repressed I have to write for TVgasm to channel my anger and bitterness towards the world.

Way to bust that Poland is a wimpy little bitch stereotype.

And back to talking about emotions, Nancy is proud of them for something finally. They all had to do it on their own, says Nancy, because you can’t teach emotionality. And don’t I know! Just ask any guy I’ve dated. So Jer Bear dismisses them to get ready for the performance. You know what time that is, he says. Hell yeah, we do. Elimination time! The best time of any show.

The group keeps practicing even in the makeup room. Mean Gay brings in a cake for Cheerleader for her birthday but it’s the least interesting birthday ever or Cheerleader doesn’t want to be reminded of her inevitable mortality as there is no follow up celebration and the cake disappears.

Vincent comes in with one last request for them. At the end of the piece wants them to give them fifteen seconds of what they feel of what this experience has been like for them. Mean Gay will take that fifteen seconds to do a spoken word piece on how this experience has shown him that he is a genius and he bathes in stature and everyone else sucks.

Onto the stage! Toni Basil, of “Mickey” fame, is the guest judge for some inexplicable reason. She’s wearing a hat she no doubt finds incredibly fashionable and she also has crazy eyes. I can already tell you I don’t care about one thing this individual has to say. Apparently she is a director for a Bette Midler production and a “dance legend”, but that tomato pin cushion on her head is giving her a run for her money on what’s going to leave a bigger legacy.

Oh, Toni, what a pity you don’t understand either.

The stage has a bunch of mirrors hanging on the back wall. So literal, Step It Up! The piece starts with the dancers walking around–so confused by this world! What is going on? How can I make a difference? The searing emotion.

What if change starts with judging everyone else instead?

The piece could look tighter, I must say. And I can say that Straight Nick is the stand-out. He’s side-by-side with Star and he’s outshining the brightest star in the heavens.

At the end, for Mochi’s fifteen seconds she runs across the stage (showing she still has some youthful exuberance left!) Cheerleader wanders around dazed, Mean Gay takes off his tie. Wow, I thought they’d have more to say than that.

The judges heartily applaud our men in the mirror though. And Nomi feels emotional just watching it. Emotion. Emotion. Emotion. It’s starting to have no meaning anymore. Vincent is allowed to speak first since it’s his baby and all, and Vincent congratulates all of them, but just as I suspected, he loves Nick best. And so does Disney Nancy. He finally took their notes! And we thought you were deaf, jokes Nancy. Huh? Nick jokes back. Oooh! That was a good one.

And now this one speaks up:

Would you like to stick a pin in my cushion?

Something about a journey. Whatever.

Mean Gay was weak on his turns, according Toni Basil. Something real came out of him during those fifteen seconds, but he’s gotta get those turns! Adds Vinnie: some of his lines were not Vinnie’s choreography! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. And guess which time this is. You got it. Mean Gay sucks. He’s asking them to be accurate. Well, defends Mean Gay, he’s a mover and you can’t control it! And now he cries and says that he’s all bark and no bite. And the sun rises and sets.

Toni Basil says that Cheerleader also accomplished something emotional during the change in the music. It was also real. But she has a problem with technical work. Vincent talks to Cheerleader and says he’s too emotional to talk to her. Emotionemotionemotion. He appreciates her giving a hundred percent. Disney Nancy says she’s her powerhouse but she needs to work on it. Cheerleader is crying too. Is everyone on their period? Jesus H, I can’t take it anymore. The lump of coal in my chest cavity just doesn’t give a rat’s ass here.

Toni Basil doesn’t have anything bad to say about Mochi Ball and Disney Nancy and Vincent don’t either. Mochi Ball is perfection. Go, Mochi.

And now onto STAH. Toni Basil thought Cody seemed like a dancer acting. Disney Nancy still thinks it’s snobby. Bitch, what? Nomi is up in arms over that one. And then we get the most passive-aggressive throwdown since the Cold War. Nomi defends him saying that there’s a work ethic and generosity of spirit that does NOT apply. GO, Nomi. Way to defend him. But let me finish up, bitch, says Nancy essentially. And Nomi is pissed. No one tells her to shut up. She’s the host, dammit.

I will not look in your general direction until you admit starring opposite Kyle McLachlan is a bigger accomplishment than anything you will ever do in your entire life.

Vincent tries to intercept, but they still go at it. Nomi is saying she’s allowed to speak and Disney Nancy is getting all condescending authoritative on her snob point, even calling her “sweetheart”. And Toni Basil just wonders where the heck she is.

I wonder if Atlantis really existed? Or if I can get this hat in chartreuse?

And now they’re going to take a few moments to discuss and the dancers hit the back of the stage, which is a bummer because it was just getting good and I could have seen Disney and Nomi go at it all night. Emotion!

So Vincent thought Mochi did the best. Straight Nick is the other strong contender to be the winner, exactly like last week. Mean Gay is obviously on the bottom for falling out of the turn, not to mention that he flubbed in the rehearsal when completely blanked on the choreography. Star Cody is a bit boring, but technically perfect. Cheerleader is weak in technique, but all emotional. And decision is made. Let’s get Cheerface outta here.

So obvies, there won’t be immunity but they will have a winner…Mochi performed flawlessly and Straight Nick sold the whole package. And Vinnie announces the winner…Straight Nick wins again. How could he rob Mochi Ball twice? They better just be saving her up for the big finale.

Old people shouldn’t be left alone with scissors.

And now who will go? Toni Basil still blathers on like she’s known these people since birth and I feel like I could be a better guest judge because I’ve been analyzing their movements like a stalker. There’s just no justice in the world.

They reiterate what they always say about these people. Star Cody, congrats. You are safe. And now our BFFs Mean Gay and Cheerface. You’re both amazing dancers reminds Nomi, but only one of you is moving on. Mean Gay, it’s you. Buh-bye, Cheerleader. We’ll see you in a deacade in your flying car when you are as old as the rest of us.

Sucks to be going home on her birthday, but at least you’re young. Let that be your consolation prize. Jer Bear wants it to be a happy dance for her, because, girlfriend, it’s just the beginnning. Her final dance looks like a melange of cheer and hip-hop. Sure to be a best-selling instructional DVD on Amazon.

JAMZ!

You know, I wonder if they put on music when they do their final dances and what that music is. Anyway, finale next week! Who’s gonna take it? This has been an amazing emotional journey and I for one am excited to see who takes it. So save those tears up. But what’s with the upcoming previews and their extended montage of flowers and backstage congratulations? I hope the finale brings some drama. Like a Disney Nancy/Nomi catfight. That would rule.

Stay Magical!

Love, Lady S.