And then we came to the end. And I’ll be honest with you. I’ve been recapping this show all along and watch the show at least twice each week in doing so, and found this finale to be a big ball of What The Fuck? Really, what happened? We had a pointless tribute to Sex and the City, complete with a plug for the godawful Fergie track, an inexplicable cameo by Akon and someone called Colby O’Donis, an audience, then no audience, then Mochi pulling magic tricks, Gob-from-Arrested-Development-style, and finally some really embarrassing air string bass playing. At least one thing was consistent: Mean Gay threw a solid tantrum. And the winner was a no-brainer, too. But enough preamble. One last time, let’s Step It Up and DANCE!
Mochi’s bid for the Magician’s Alliance.
Thirty-six hours before the final performance! Straight Nick is doing his usual manly man eggs and bacon breakfast and the group is reflecting on how badly they all want to win this. They all preen their feathers about how they will be the one winning this, except for Star Cody, who is feeling beat up and broken down. I call that standard reality editing. The frontrunner is always picked on the weeks leading up to the finale. They try and throw us off their scent, but this ain’t my first time at the rodeo.
So they arrive at the studio and Nomi announces that they are going to get one-on-one time with Jer Bear. They get to work for half an hour on their solo with him. Straight Nick is up first. Nick’s solo is all about “humor”. Now Nick has flirted in different performances with some hammy smiles and cartoon-like antics. But forget about shuckin’ and jivin’ from Carolina Cerisola in the Apache. This is the real deal. All he’s missing is the Blackface. I know it’s supposed to be funny, but it could also totally be out of Spike Lee’s Bamboozled. I loved Bamboozled, but I don’t think it’s exactly the tone Straight Nick wanted to conjure in my mind. Maybe he’s going for Steve Martin in The Jerk, when he gets rhythm.
This reminds me of the days jammin’ on the porch with mammy and pappy.
Are you f*cking serious?
Here’s the story”: His “journey” is about a guy that is waiting in the wings, gets pushed out on stage, isn’t ready to dance, but then sees the audience and starts shuckin’ and jivin’ all over the place. There’s some irreverent booty-shaking, the painful air string bass playing, and so much hamming it up I can smell bacon.
And Jer Bear thinks the humor will play. His critique is that he needs to make sure Disney Nancy isn’t gonna lay into him about his ending, because where can you really end up with this kind of shuckin’ and jivin’, but with empty pockets? This ain’t 100 Gs worth of dance, I’ll tell you what. At least not in 2008.
So in comes Mochi Ball, who is going for the Asian themes, finally deviating from her themes of the past few weeks, getting old and dying. And, gosh, I’m glad she’s back among the living. I love Mochi Ball’s dancing. She’s pulling from the samurai warrior ritual and she’s bringing the ferocity. All that lion kinging is paying off. I love her little underoos she’s dancing in. I love how she moves, I love how strong and yet graceful she comes across. When you watch her, it’s clear that her body was made to dance.
At my age you really understand the “Circle of Life”. Har har! Old people can make jokes, too!
And then Jer Bear intuitively knows he needs to ask about what she’s going to wear, which is a great question, because Mochi Ball is ready to clown herself by draping herself in a giant kimono. Lose it! says Jerry. You can’t see the you are a WARRIOR! You are geisha girl with kimono, Mochi Ball. They analyze a few of the lines she pulls with and without the kimono and the kimono hides some of her strongest moments. So Jer Bear blows her mind by saying she should start the piece with it and then…take it off. Mochi gets all saucer-eyed at this “genius” suggestion, as if Jer Bear has just invented stripping right before her very eyes.
Maybe this could be like a thing! And women all over the country can do it and men will pay lots and lots of money to SEE them do it! We’ll call it…STRIPPING!
Mean Gay is up next! He’s “super-di-duper-di-duper-duper-di excited” to work with Jer Bear. His words not mine. So his solo is all about being a Clark Kent, normal person confined in their humdrum existence, and then they breakthrough this mundane existence through the power of electro beats. Basically he’s been confined to doing everyone else’s choreography and now he gets to do HIS. Mean Gay already knows what stripping is though as his solo includes a dramatic shedding of a blazer.
Bitch, I’ve been bathing in stripping.
Again he reminds us that choreography is what he does. It’s his genius. Meh. I actually like it better than I thought I would. Jer Bear loves the core of his idea, but goes after some technical points, as usual. Mean Gay is just excited to finally get to show him his solo. Mean Gay has been basically bathing in the stature of his solo for several months now and knew Jer Bear LOVED stripping.
Star Cody is last and his song choice is grim. GRIM. It reminds me of when I’m at a coffee shop and working/reading/minding my own business and then some douche strikes up some acoustic guitar nonsense in the corner. I’ve always hated that about coffee shops. I know they’re not the library, but does anyone ever really go to a coffee shop to hear some thoughtful amateur strumming? It’s pointless for all involved and Cody’s song makes me feel like I’m in the corner, forced to hear some dude’s self-absorbed guitar musings.
But I get it. He’s finally going to show the judges he’s got “emotion” or whatever, because that’s what those coffee shop douches love to do, and now they’re all totally going to lose it over him. It’s about his “journey” on the show and I won’t be able to get past the song selection, but the move is brilliant, it will totally play and Jer Bear might as well hand him the check now.
And he also pulls shizz like this, which never ceases to impress:
Eventually I won’t even respond to gravity’s relatively weak electromagnetic force.
He ends with his hands behind his back like he does during judging, symbolically genuflecting before them. They’re gonna cream over this one.
Supplication will get you everywhere.
Jer Bear has some notes to say about being in the moment, blah blah blah, and a side note, about Jer Bear, he lost some weight during the break and looks pretty damn good. I think that’s what they call “fighting weight”. Go, Jer Bear. So they talk more about feelings, but I’m still drained from last week’s ‘Man in the Mirror’ Feel Fest, so I just check out Jer Bear’s hot new look instead.
Twenty-eight hours before the final performance! They show up at the callback stage and learn that they have to learn an opening number. Which is fine. It makes sense. But this is no opening number. This is a GD dancing advertisement. They are forcing our dancers to do an extended, obnoxious commercial for an already over-hyped, over-marketed movie, Sex and the City. They are whoring these guys out hard and I already know a SATC-themed dance is going to be offensive at best.
The guest choreographers are Keith and Sharon Young. They’ve done Rent, Crazy for You, 42nd St. and now they’re selling out with the rest of the Bravo clan. (What’s up with Fergie and SATC peddling their wares on this show? What do huge stars need SIU for?) Nick calls this grand finale purgatory, but I’d just say hell.
So let’s start off right! With a group hug! And honestly, shouldn’t all endeavors start off with a group hug? That is my new policy, beginning now. It devolves into crap from there. The scenario is everybody is window shopping and Mochi being the girl runs after the shoes. OMG a girl loving shoes?? Where on earth did you come up with this genius idea? Mr. Young wants to emphasize the use of props, as well as gender stereotypes. Loves it!
More gay than when the Teletubbies do it.
Then he brings in some of his dancers to help with the choreography. And it’s not easy for the group. Their brains are fried and they’re tired from being so focused on their solos. They get assigned a dancer from the Young’s to do individual work, since a big focus is what they bring to the table individually.
But let’s not get too serious…Mean Gay has the SATC breakdown for us, which Bravo nicely cut him a check for. If I never hear the names Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte ever again, it will be too soon. Anyhoo, he calls Mochi Miranda, with her haircut and all, Cody Charlotte, because he’s prim and proper and Canadian and they do nothing wrong, Nick is Samantha, the slut (Really? I would have loved to have this be a bigger plot line this season) and of course Mean Gay feels he’s the Carrie Bradshaw, curly haired, fashion forward and the one that can’t keep a man. Maybe if you weren’t such a whiny little bitch. I’m just sayin’. And, btw, everyone thinks they’re the Carrie.
Horse-face comparison visually implied.
They run through and from what I can tell it looks so dumb, but before I can really analyze how awful it is, Mean Gay injures himself and again takes away from the one thing I was enjoying. I rewind and watch his fall though a few times and it does look like it hurt. And to injure it on such a stupid, extended effort at product placement, I do feel a little bad for him. Having to participate in that is injury enough.
The slim, svelte Ms. Young tells him he should ice it and then Mr. Young suggests he goes to the hospital. Mean Gay wants to cry so bad (sic), but he can’t because Disney Nancy might find out and he has to be manly for her. Perfect Canadian Star Cody of course steps in to be the hero and bandage him up. Remember when he also carried Mochi Ball?
We have to learn to do these things ourselves waiting in line to use our socialized healthcare.
And off he goes. What is this–third man down this season? Fourth? Fourth, I believe. Go-go, Mochi Ball, Loser Talk, now Mean Gay. Then inexplicably we get this photo. As if it makes Mean Gay’s sprained ankle more poignant.
Free autographed 8×10 with the purchase of the SATC boxed set sold on the Bravo site.
At 2:19 am, Mean Gay hobbles back with nothing but a “strained ankle”. The doc said to stay off of it for a week, but that’s not what dancers do. Dancers dance through the pain! Remember Jacques Heim and his entire broken body?? Please. If he doesn’t dance, he’s weak.
But this is all one big excuse for him to throw one final pity party. We all know he’s going to dance. He feels like it’s “unfair” because he can’t go as full out as he could. Or he could do the opening number and hurt it worse and then still not be able to do his solo. Oh, buck up. Life is hard, Mean Gay.
So the final day has arrived! And Mean Gay is going on and on and on about his dilemma. What’s making this worse for him is that he believes he’s better than the other three dancers, and if he doesn’t dance one of them will only win because of process of elimination. And now even if he does dance and loses he can blame the injury. It’s actually the perfect plan.
So an hour before show time, Jer Bear comes to visit Mean Gay and we rehash what a hard position he’s in. He cries and soaks up attention from Jer Bear. They hug and it looks really gay.
Do I look like less of a little bitch with or without the fingers in my mouth?
Outside though the audience is pouring into the auditorium! And what a grand affair it is! We have a red carpet for what specifically seems to be for the eliminated dancers. And this one showed up:
Insert your own gay nonsense here.
The dancers weigh in on who they think will win. Tovah thinks it will be between Mean Gay and Mochi. Say what? Haven’t they been watching this? Former guest choreographer Jordi Caballero is also in attendance and he brings the reason to table saying Star will win.
Then some twelve year old named Colby O’Donis, who looks like he should be on Growing up Gotti or whatever it was called, shows up and the five extras flanking the red carpet clap. I mean, do they really believe we think these men in suits are fans? Body guards??
The Bravo accounting department wanted to make some extra cash.
This is the biggest movie premiere I’ve been to yet!
Backstage Mochi is talking about shoes and Mean Gay is talking about his ankle. Guess what. He’s gonna dance after all. All the drama and now we’re supposed to lose our minds, like this has been some magnificent triumph of the human spirit.
Enter Jer Bear who says that there’s one more surprise. But, don’t worry dancers! It’s just your parents. And this makes all our dancers so happy. Mochi has two moms. Cody’s mom looks like Joni Mitchell.
After this we’re all going to California to REALLY get married!
Jer Bear sends them all back out and then tells all the dancers that he thinks all of them will be making millions of dollars with those legs of theirs, no matter who wins. Huh? What dancer makes millions of dollars? It’s a nice gesture, I just wish he hadn’t dropped a number that was distractingly unrealistic. Couldn’t you have said they’ll all be making a hundred thousand dollars? Mean Gay adds that there was no way he wasn’t going to dance. So just as we suspected. All that for nothing.
And now onstage we have Nomi Malone in her glittering ball gown and she stands in front of the world’s largest metronome, or a mirror. We are about to witness some extraordinary performances! Who will win the hundred thousand dollar prize? Does anyone else find all the clothes racks distracting? Like we just walked in on Nomi getting ready? What a lame set design.
It’s Ver-SAYCE! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. I know how to say it. I’ll be here all week, folks.
Now we welcome out the final four who seem underdressed for such a fashion-y number. But before we start dancing, let’s first let’s introduce the judges. Mr. Young is there of course, as are Disney Nancy and Vinnie. And then, in another move from the Toni Basil School of Guest Judge Selection, we have hit maker Akon in the house! Huh?
You know, back in the day when that song “Locked Up” came out, I was like, Oh man. This song sucks. Total one hit wonder. I would like to announce that I am the worst at predicting who is going to to be a success for years to come. I thought Rihanna was gonna go away after the mediocre “Pon da Replay” and we all know how that turned out. I thought Nicole Scherzinger’s solo attempt was gonna not be such an embarrassing failure. I have zero ability to trend forecast. I vaguely remember thinking Brtiney Spears would fade into Hilary Duff-like relevance after a year or two. I am extremely out of touch with what the young people like.
Where I see a dude in a hoodie, someone else sees their future yacht in Monte Carlo. It’s not fair.
But you know, why not Akon? Because it truly gives me hope that next season I’ll be asked to be a guest judge. At this point, I figure I’m more qualified than anyone else they bring on. Anyway, flanking Akon is “Colby O’Donis” whose song I have heard on the radio, but can’t get over that name, which I haven’t heard yet and the fact that it sounds Irish and he looks, like, Puerto Rican. What a world, people. What a world.
But onto the dancing, otherwise I’ll be pondering these paradoxes all night. The winner of this Sex and the City challenge will get to be in Colby O’Donis’s new video! Wow, that’s right up there with being in a Danity Kane video. Million dollar legs for reals!
“Let’s get it started!” shouts Akon into the mic, riling up the crowd like he’s at his own concert. “Step it up!” Nomi shouts, trying to compete with Akon. She can’t, but the attempt amuses me highly. But then get it started they do. The song is painful, but so bad I can’t even recall the tune. Enough already. Ex is sitting next to me calling this whole shitfest “The Worst Use of Props Ever” because the whole dance just looks like retail employees pretending they’re in a musical, and I have nothing to say because I am watching this mouth agape stunned at how whore-y it is for them to even be doing this in the first place. Is Bravo owned by the same studio that made SATC? The whole thing is so dirty I just want to shower.
SATC: The Musical hitting Broadway 2010. Trust.
Further proof that if Straight Nick were of a different race, his antics would be borderline offensive:
I jussa love to shine shoes!
Oh there’s Mochi with shoes and a feather boa. Shopping just makes me want to dance! he boys put on some blazers and ties. Extraordinary performances for real. Mean Gay dances with a pink purse and then passes it off to Mochi who thrusts it in the air on the final beat. Handbags!
This bag cost more than our legs will ever ever make! Combined!
And now it’s over, thank god. Nomi dismisses the audience for an intermission, but in Nomi’s world “intermission” means “never come back”. They don’t get to come back to see who wins the Colby O’Donis “prize”. Robbed, I tell you.
But anyway, onto the judging. Mr. Young feels that they did a great job with his choreography. Mochi “ruled” the roost and Akon thinks Mochi would be great for a music video, especially a MALE music video. Giveaway! Even though she’d be the oldest person in the video by, like, a hundred years. They all agree Cody is a natural, and Mr. Young says Nick relies a lot on his “yuk yuk” thing. A-freaking-men. Thank god someone is saying it. Am I the only one that think Straight Nick needs a new schtick?
When did they turn The Jerk into a musical?
Everyone thinks “Mean Gay” has “his own thing going on”. They all say it likes it’s a good thing, but we all know they’re just saying he’s flamingly gay. And I know very little about Akon, but he seems really likable. His smile is so sweet and genuine I can’t imagine that anyone would lock him up and not let him out.
Anyhoo, in case you couldn’t figure it out, the dancers come back downstage and Mochi is the winner. Is this video available yet? I gotta see this one. Please send it my way if it is. Maybe she can play the love interest. Sometimes synergy can be hilarious.
Then they are asked to head back to hair and makeup to get ready for their solos and when they are back, so is the audience. I guess Nomi just passed the word along. Mochi Ball is up first and has turned her kimono inside out, perhaps deciding this color theme was more warrior-like. And it’s a beautiful solo. The kimono looks good on some of the turns, but it’s also good she loses it. You can tell she’s a regular on The Lion King. Her movement is so exotic she-animal.
Maybe in this stripping plan we can add a POLE and girls can spin on it and do flips! The ideas are flowing.
The last line which she and Jer Bear worked on is suddenly a punch line as she pulls out a red scarf to symbolize…blood loss? A love of…MAGIC? Ripping her heart out like the dude in Temple of Doom? It totally gets rid of all credibility as Ex, my best friend and I laugh and watch it several times over and over. Then she scurries off stage and the scarf looks so awkward. One more time, just because I can’t get enough of it.
Maybe we can combine rhythmic gymnastics, too!
Like a dingleberry of the heart.
Mean Gay comes out in his white suit, his “Clark Kent” suit. I like the music as there is a turning point where it totally becomes a song to strip to. His shirt says “way out” which is exactly how far out of the closet he is.
But can Carrie Bradshaw thrust her pelvis like this?
Then Star comes out and we get that emotional coffee house number. And it’s not my cup of tea or coffee, but it doesn’t matter. The cash money is his. And he knows how to pull off some beautiful jumps. Really, how does he get that high? His pauses are effective, if not a bit forced.
The rousing sounds of the acoustic guitar take people to great heights.
Yes, I feel like doing that right out of the coffee shop.
Last is Straight Nick. Oh, Nick, Nick, Nick. Time to yuk it up. I think he hits really well, but did he have to wave to the camera? Did we really have to break the fourth wall? He points to himself. He shakes his ass. He plays that string bass and then air guitars, too. The three of us laugh so hard, we watch this one again, too, in complete disbelief he did this without a trace of irony or black face paint.
Well, golly, hey there, folks! Don’t mind me as I do my hilary send-up of those minstrel shows!
The awkward fourth wall breakage.
Shuck and Jive.
Air Bass Jive.
Air Guitar Shuck.
See. I told you it really happened.
So after this final solo, the audience is dismissed again. Now it’s just Disney Nancy, Nomi and Vinnie judging them and they all were blown away by these performances. Me too, gang. Me too. Nomi opens the floor to the dancers and asks if they have anything to say and I’d just love if they just said that they’re solos speak for themselves, but of course Mean Gay pipes up and then that means everyone else has to chime in, too. It’s all a bunch of blah blah blah. The words “stronger”, “journey”, “destiny” all make in appearance if you’re curious. Nancy makes the point that she’s glad Cody got PO-ed with her in the last challenge because she doesn’t think she would have seen what she did tonight. Weeeell, he choreographed that solo during the break, so maybe you would have. But way to feel like an instigator.
And then the judges deliberate. Stary Cody finally showed he was more than just perfect technique. Mean Gay is a “monster”, just pure passion! Sraight Nick gets a Gene Kelly comparison, not Savion Glover surprisingly. I still make the Man Tan parallel. Nancy calls him one of her “favorite dorks”. Well that settles it. You can’t win this if you’re called a dork. Thanks for playing. The judges totally lurved Mochi’s gag at the end of her piece. But pony tricks aren’t going to win you this either. There’s only been one winner this whole time. So come on up, gang and let’s just end this once and for all…(with no audience to find out who wins)…
STAR CODY YOU ARE OUR STAR!!!!
Dude. You can stop emoting now. You won.
He falls to his knees in disbelief or gratitude or exhaustion, but either way, he feigns surprise and the other three are probably genuinely surprised, since it seems like they believed their big talk. The judges and families bum rush the stage and for your consideration I would like to turn this question over to you, gentle readers, who is Cody’s true love:
Seriously. Are judges and contestants allowed to hug like that?
Well, well done, Star. I’m proud of you and I’m happy you won. You deserved it. I will totally rent Center Stage 2. Or see it in the theaters, whichever comes first.
I’m Canadian and have the love of Disney Nancy!
By the way, I am so moved by the Magical Elves clip at the end, I looked at their website to see if I could get a job working for them. Turns out they’re not looking for professional recappers.
Anyway, thanks for your support and fun/funny comments this season. Hopefully there will be a second season because I will miss my Nomi, Jer Bear, Disney Nancy Pants, and of course, you guys.
Much love and stay magical!
xoxo, Lady S.