This week on Styl’d, Brett refuses to be fired, which means we get to watch a prolonged version of his misery unfold. YAYAYAYAYYYYY! Also, there’s a new intern in the house, and Gary squeals. A lot.
Today, we open with Brett eating a bowl of cereal his roommate bought for him while he whines about Janna tricking him into doing the wrong thing. You know, when he fraudulently used his boss’ name to take expensive clothes out of a boutique for a job he was explicitly told not to take. DOI. He doesn’t even know if he still has a job unpacking Jen’s car for free! OH NOES! I wish I was there to tell him it would really help his career to spit on his finger and stick it in an electrical outlet, just to see if he’d do it. Sadly, he probably would, and then there would be a record on the internet of me goading him into it, which might turn into a charge of Kinda Murder. So I’ll keep that one to myself. Anyway, don’t worry, kid. You may not keep your job, but no one’s gonna try and take that alien baby head hat away from you.
Thanks for breakfast. Can I borrow twenty dollars? And your car? And maybe some dignity if you can spare it?
Brett’s a real maven. Soon everyone will want to go out looking like this.
Brett’s freaking out, and asks his long suffering roomie what he’s gonna do if he gets fired. Bitch, what’s she gonna do if you get fired? Probably get another job to support both of them. Sucka!! If it weren’t for insecure fag hags desperate for attention from anything with a penis, there would be a lot more gay homeless people. God bless you and your insecurity, Desperate Fag Hag Roomie.
Brett gets a call from some dude named Kent over at MMA to tell him he’s fired. Snapple! Brett cries all over his iPhone, which is gonna cost Roommate a few hundred bucks. Poor girl can’t catch a break.
He goes over to a cafe to meet squealy Gary and hasn’t done anything yet but dress for a funeral Tara for a little sympathy. Gary looks delighted about Brett’s being fired, but in his defense he also looked delighted when Jen yelled at him and he looked delighted when he ran over a trash can. Gary’s not the guy you call when your dog dies. Cuz he’ll look delighted.
I’m so sorry to hear about your MS.
Brett whines about getting fired and then Tara scrunches her face and asks “uh…why’d you do it?” Brett looks really confused by the question. He didn’t do it, Janna did! Have you not been listening? Brett snips that someone told him to, and Tara snips back that he can’t blame Janna. Gary squeals “dude! She totally had an alternative motive!” In case the first motive didn’t work, I’m guessing.
Gary has some good advice to remedy this situation. Brett needs to go into the office, admit he’s a tool, and grovel for his job. With his ankles behind his ears for Kent and a box of wine in his purse for Julie. Jen doesn’t need anything. The pleasure of having someone so completely clueless to scream at every day is payment enough to her.
That advice sucks. Wake me up when we’re blaming Janna again.
Julie’s Condo – Gary and Janna arrive at their job today, and Gary squeals out the drama about Brett getting fired. Janna looks heartbroken.
Can I have his plastic white sunglasses? I have a Hello Kitty barrette that they’d look great with.
She tells us that yes, she “threw him under the bus” but she didn’t know he’d get fired. Whatever. Janna’s not at fault for this, but if she’s so willing to take blame for stuff I wish she would have done something useful, like maybe literally throw Brett under a bus. She’s worried that Brett hates her. LOL yeah kinda. She chalks it up all up to being “a misunderstanding.”
Julie invites them in, and she’s being cold. She tells Janna that she is considered and accomplice to Brett and she’s on thin ice. It’s like ten AM and Julie isn’t drunk yet, which is disappointing. She briefs them on their job for the day. She’s styling Josh Henderson: “90210, Desperate Housewives, used to date Paris Hilton.” HAHAHAH I love that dating Paris is on his resume.
SAG AFTRA HERPES CHLAMYDIA AEA
The shoot is for Saturday Night Live! WOWEE! They’ve hit the biggish time! Wait no it’s for Saturday Night Magazine. What the fuck? It’s “a magazine for young readers.” So like a Highlights Magazine with less of those pesky words. I’m guessing, but Eliza Dushku was on the cover once so I’m pretty sure I’m right. This will be “a green shoot.” UGH. Do you ever find yourself rooting for global warming?
Everything on the set will be used and recyclable. So Paris’ll be there? Supposedly, this is to show young people that they can still look hip without spending money, ie Saturday Night Magazine has a budget of five dollars.
I don’t look good in green.
Gary tells us how sad he is about Brett getting fired. NOT! There were four and now there are three! Watching him put the fourth finger down and try to connect his hands with his words is really funny. I think he lost his concentration halfway through, cuz whatever he’s doing now is kinda offensive.
Hey, up yours buddy!
They have a budget of five hundred bucks for Josh and three models, and they have to come up with a formal look and a beach look. At the thrift store. Love it. The shoot will take place at Runyon Canyon, which is a canyon that people work out at in Hollywood. I have almost had many heart attacks here and just the mention of it makes my skin itch cuz it forgot how to sweat. I want that place to die. So they will be bringing stinky ass thrift store clothes for Josh to sweat in at the most hellish place in LA. This should be fun. For us. Not for Josh. He will probably launch into a monologue about how he wanted more for himself by this point in his life and now he smells like pee and is getting skin cancer for Highlights Magazine and then he’ll cry and eat dirt and throw himself off the canyon. Poor Josh. He’s too hot to feel bad about himself. I don’t know why I’m still typing, but I can’t stop. This show does that to me. You know what I like? El Pollo Loco. Mexican food and mac and cheese in one drive thru? I’m a fan for life. What’s happening? Where am I? What year is it?
At the thrift store, Gary starts pulling all sorts of fug and squealing about how fabulous it all is. Seersucker mom shorts? MUST HAVE! He’s thrilled with everything and gets his cart filled up in no time. The awesome thing about Janna is, no matter how much bad Gary pulls, she will always pull worse. She’s like the Old Reliable of the MMA. The fount of fug that’s sure to blow once an hour for tourists to point at and share a good laugh.
Gary’s look: Fug but fug that gets some ass.
Janna’s look: Frigid sexless fug. See the difference? You’re welcome.
Back at Sucker Fag Hag’s place, Brett is calling Julie over and over but she won’t pick up so he calls Jen. She doesn’t know what there is to talk about, but sets up a time with him anyway. She’ll always set aside some time to munch on crushed young soul. Better than breakfast!
You guys Tara has a job today! YAY! She shows up at a Senior Stylist named Eric Archibald’s place to pull looks for the chick who sings that “Starts in my toes and goes up to my nose” song. Eric doesn’t mention whether or not this chick got herpes from Paris. Someone’s resume is lacking! Instead, he asks Tara sweetly “what inspired this look today?” Without missing a beat, she answers “a little 1920′s sailor…a little Liza Minelli?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I cannot stress this enough: I LOVE TARA.
The Liza Titanic look.
But wait. Someone else shows up. Tara describes him as “a poor man’s Brad Pitt.” I would say a rich man’s Clay Aiken, but I’ll concede. His name is Cody, and he’s Brett’s replacement. So Brett’s really fired? Or will Jen forgive him and now there will be five stylists? Stupid Janna might have just shot herself in the foot. But obvs we won’t know any of that til later, so let’s just concentrate on the now, k? Tara’s not happy about Cody, so I hate him too. That’s called SOLIDARITY. Or if you’re Gary, solid-y.
You’re wearing sleeves. You’re hired!
Cody’s cute, confident, and way too butch for this show. How did this happen? I can tell you this much, if Eric was in Jen’s position, Cody would be holding a trophy and a contract right now.
I’m gonna dip you in bbq sauce and swallow you whole, chicken wing.
Once Eric goes off to rub one out, Tara is left to dig for some Cody info. She giggles flirtatiously and says he talks like a straight A student. Poor thing hung out with Brett and Cody this morning, so a dog would sound like a poet laureate about now. He tells her that he learned fashion from his mom, who was vice president of Versace for eight years. No word on why she didn’t pull some strings and save him from interning, so we’re left to assume she became a drunk and lost her fortune playing online poker in stained sweats. Poor Cody! Come here. Let’s hug.
Tara moves the conversation on to his love life, giggling all the way. Very subtle, Tara. Gary says his love life is great, and she interrupts him to ask if he likes boys or girls. He starts stuttering about how into the girls he is and guys no no guys guys are like no way not into the whole guy thing yay vaginas. I think she’s flirting with him, but he’s not having it. As he puts it: “Tara sucks.” There’s that straight A talk again! He’s not ok with her poking around in his beeswax. Lighten up, Aiken! Tara calls Gary the second she leaves and tells him that Cody’s straight and annoying. Gary squeals.
Julie’s Apartment – Janna shows off all the old people clothes she pulled at the thrift store and Julie is instapissed. Can’t really blame her. There isn’t one thing that doesn’t look like it was pulled for Julia Sugarbaker or Columbo. God I love those shows. Julie flicks through her rack and says “hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.” Love. She asks Janna if she understands the hate, and Janna smiles big and says yes she suddenly gets it and will have taste from now on. Gary’s next. He whips out a flannel plaid shirt. Julie’s not happy, but she’s mortified when he whips out some white tennis short shorts. HAHAHAHAHAH this show needs to just be handed the Emmy right now, cuz this shit is priceless.
Gary tries to stand up for his short shorts by saying lots of guys he knows wear them. Well then stop hanging out with so many bottoms you queen, cuz that shit’s not ok. Julie likes his next outfit, though, and almost everything else that he picks. She says flat out that Janna got her ass whooped on this one, and dangles a St. Tropez gig in front of Gary’s face. A trip alone with Janna to a far away place where your cell probably won’t work? Sounds fun!
Cody and Tara show up to a huge showroom, and Cody says that he’s freaked out because he comes from men’s fashion. Tara is pissed that Cody didn’t get the sizes, but she didn’t either. Ruhroh. Look that shit up! I googled “starts in my toes…” and up popped Colbie Caillat. “Colbie Caillat size” brought up a fascinating discussion on how big Colbie’s feet are and whether they are pretty or ugly. You have to read it cuz it will make you really proud of your country. There went twenty minutes of my life. What was I talking about? Who cares?
Tara and Cody start pulling random dress sizes, not bothering to call Eric and just ask for the damn sizes. This is going to get ugly. Tara pulls a dress that she loves because it “looks like Advil.” And no matter their size, every woman likes Advil.
Eric is on the way to look over their pulls and they’ve decided to not tell him that they don’t know Colby’s size. Oh man. They’re dead.
Runyon Canyon – Sure enough, Gary and Janna have to pull their racks UP THE FUCKING CANYON!! This show is really, really cruel and needs to run for like ten years. About a quarter of the way up, Janna starts whining, then barfing. I’ve been there girl. Then a pit bull comes over and knocks her down and bites her. The dog’s name was Karma. When they finally get to the top, there’s a little dude in a suit waiting for them with the “stah” and hairstylists, etc. They have two more racks to get up the canyon and the suit is pissed. LOL. When they get back up with the rest of the clothes, Josh offers to help them. Josh? Is hot. I recognize him as Edie’s nephew on Desperate Housewives, and I love that show. I wish I could hug him. Cuz they killed Edie. But I can’t. Let’s pause and feel bad for me. And…I’m back. Janna says that the heat has hurt her brain and she can’t concentrate. Thankfully, I can.
All I remember about the world before the invention of the pause button is darkness.
Julie berates Janna for sucking so hard, and Josh isn’t liking anything that was pulled. Finally, he chooses the seersucker shorts Gary pulled and a shirt from Julie’s stuff. Julie starts putting the models in bikinis and Gary doesn’t approve because, well, they’re on a canyon overlooking the city and Josh is in seersucker shorts. Wisely, he keeps his trap shut and let’s the photographer call the idea stupid. Julie berates Jana more to feel better, and they change the girls into little farmer boy short shorts from the seventies and cheezy t-shirts. Gary is working hard, but he’s getting too friendly and squealy with the girls. A couple of his pieces get pulled so Julie can kinda forgive his annoying-ness, but she stands behind him and occasionally snaps “Gary. Quiet.” HAHAHA. Julie tells us he’s grating but has some promise, whereas Janna is basically just a giant pool of suck.
Colbie Gig – At the showroom, Tara invites Cody to Brett’s roomie’s bday party, which I’m sure Brett’s gonna just love. Eric arrives and loves the belts Cody pulled, but he’s not into Tara’s easter outfit. Sad horns. Eric likes a lot of what Cody pulled, but he’s not too impressed with Tara. I don’t know if this is important or not, but I have to show you Eric’s pants in case there’s a huge plot twist later and it turns out that Eric’s responsible for a string of Big Lots robberies.
They all make their way to a hotel for the Colbie gig. They show up late because they get lost, and Eric is pissed that he is left to do the grunt work. “I’m Eric L. Archibald! I don’t carry bags!” When Cody and Tara finally show up, no one’s waiting in the lobby and no one gave them a room number. HAHAH. They find their way somehow and no one’s too happy with them. Wait til Colbie puts on the wrong size clothes. Cody forgot his camera. Headslap. Eric gets mad at him and purrs that he is going to punish him later. EW.
That starts in my toes and leaks out of my nose starts playing and in walks Colbie. She isn’t impressed at first, but ends up liking a couple of Cody’s pulls and absolutely loves the Advil dress. Eric can’t believe it, but congratulates Tara anyway. Now time to try stuff on! And nothing fits! Eric almost puffs out of his pants. Only one thing works, and luckily it’s Colbie’s fave.
More powerful than pain.
Eric is pissed that they were late, forgot a camera, and had no idea about Colbie’s size, but he’s really nice about it and thanks Tara for pulling a great dress that he gets to take credit for. HA.
Cafe – Brett shows up in his douchiest hawk yet to talk to Jen. Jen says that she’s busy so he needs to cut straight to his bs so she can go on with her life. Brett says that he’s broke, he’s lived in his car and no one helps him and blah blah blah wahwahwah. Jen says that he thought about a quick buck instead of a career and he flat out begs for his job back. Jen tells him she will talk to everyone else but he’s already been replaced. When he gets back to his car, it’s been booted. LOL. Laughing at someone else’s pain isn’t very nice, but Brett makes it really really fun. He says that he needs to get his shit together but he’s so stressed that he doesn’t know what to do. May I make a suggestion? Call Janna for advice.
If we are to feel bad for anyone right now, it’s Desperate Fag Hag Roommate, cuz this is gonna cost her a few hundred bucks on her birthday.
Canyon – MMA is doing a great job at showing kids that you can be poor and still dress to…look poor. Well done!
Julie can no longer take Janna’s do nothing attitude, so she pulls her aside for a pep talk. Janna says she’s exhausted and she knows she’s not doing a good job. Get ready for an inspiring speech, cuz this one’s a doozy. Julie: “No, you’re not.” HAHAH. Glad we had this talk. Janna tells us that she no longer cares, and it shows. She pulls a bunch of stuff for Julie, and Julie hates it all. Janna starts pulling attitude and being snippy, and Julie tells her she has no right to be like that when her suckage led her here. Hit her!
They’re losing light and still have the formal look. Julie decides to take Janna’s place cuz she’s useless. Gary gets to work pulling and cutting and making it all work. Julie was impressed how he changed the see thru nightgown into a hot outfit, and it does look really good. Score a big one for Gary. I wish I was there to pour Janna a nice tall shot of Drano.
Ranking time! Jen gets together with the other Senior Stylists to dish. Julie talks about Janna almost crying and basically blowing it. Jen does the whole “there’s no crying in baseball!” speech. Eric tells Jen that his kids had no sizes and were idiots but gives Tara credit for pulling the winning dress. The interns are called in to Jen’s office. Tara’s first place! Gary came in second, but he’s in troubs for his setiquitte. He tries to stand up for himself, but Jen cuts him off at every turn and tells him that he wouldn’t even have the opportunity without the agency. He says he understands but she cuts him off again and says he obviously doesn’t know how to shut his mouth cuz he can’t even do it right here. I like Jen’s no bullshit style. Put her in charge of healthcare. When he’s a stylist he can fuck his clients if he wants to but until then he needs to stfu. Cody laughs in the background.
Just. Stop. TALKING.
Cody is in troubs for forgetting his camera. Janna sucked not because of anything she did, but because she’s basically just suck sausage. Jen is nice to her as she babbles excuses, which is impressive.
Desperate FagHag’s bday party: Janna shows up, which is just misguided and wrong. Brett’s not happy that Janna and Cody are there, and he blatantly gives Cody dirty looks. Cody tries to smile and make it ok, but Brett says he’s uncomfortable with him being there and basically acts like a petulant drunk child. And he won’t shut up about it. Then he starts picking on Janna, who tells us that she’s not to be disregarded and will probably win this whole thing. Then the waitress stops by with an extra helping of delusion and Brett scarfs it down before Janna can take a bite. So, is Brett fired? Who knows? This is why, in movies, when people get fired they are escorted out of the building by security.
Next week, Jen yells at someone! I’m there!