Styl’d: Herbie Strikes Again

Tonight on Styl’d, we don’t get to see Tara go apeshit on Julie’s personal belongings. Styl’d, I’m very very dis’pntd in you.

Oh man. I just want this entire show to be Tara being disgusting. But it’s not. I guess I should press play now. So here we are at the third episode and Brett still isn’t gone! WTH? I haven’t seen someone take getting fired this bad since a busboy at a restaurant I worked at friended me on facebook and started sending me threatening pictures of my head copy and pasted onto Kirstie Alley’s body. Needless to say, he got his job back within a week. Will Brett be so industrious? Doubtful, but it will be fun to see him cry some more.

We open this week at the gates of hell.

Desperate Fag Hag roommate is probably off working one of her nineteen jobs so she can support Brett, so Gary takes him to get the boot off his car in his giant tiny penis truck. And shocker! Brett can’t get the boot off his car because he doesn’t have current registration papers. LOL. He vows to be more responsible, thanks the government worker for her time, and goes on a long journey of becoming a self sufficient adult. Kidding! He sits in the truck and dials government agencies on his iPhone demanding they fire the employee who “fucked up my life” by not bending the registration rules for him. I am so glad he found someone else to blame for his idiocy so Janna can have a breakfast in peace.

The DMV is out to get me! Where are my civil rights? I was in that office for an hour and no one gave me lunch! WAAHAHWHAHWAHWAHWAWAAAHHHHH

Do you know who I am? I get coffee for Jen something who runs some agency that sends out people to dress c listers! Well I was until I got fired. Because of YOU! I WILL SHUT YOU DOWN!! …Yes food stamps and healthcare sound great send them to my desperate roommate’s address plz.

Gary and Brett go to do laundry at the same laundromat I go to! Well, actually, I drop mine off with the little Asian ladies next door. Everything comes back in a perfect cube, and I don’t have to deal with people like, well, like Brett and Gary.

One day get a real job and stop by Sunny Cleana. Warning, she will tell you to bathe and get a haircut. Sunny don’t fuck around.

Gary gets Brett some quarters. It’s half because he’s nice and half because he doesn’t want that homeless smell in his giant tiny penis truck anymore. And I know this is already a pic heavy recap, but you guys, I have to show you Gary’s laundry bag.

LOL

Brett tells us that he has no job…he has no money…he has no….hey buddy let’s focus on the positive. You have an endless supply of Aqua Net, and that’s gonna get you…nowhere.

Don’t like my hair? DMV.

He gets a call from Jen and guess what? HE GOT HIS JOB BACK. Ugh. This is actually great news, cuz you know he’s gonna fuck up again and we’ll get to see him fired again. YAY! He’s thrilled. Jen tells us that she thinks he’s talented but he’s only got one shot to not f it up. Guess what Gary does? He squeals!

Privately, though, he tells us that it sucks that there are now five people in the competition instead of four. The next day, Tara comes to pick up Brett and the first thing she tells him is “your room smells like asshole.” HAHAHAH. She tells us that both he and his house need to get burned down.

Janna shows up at Jen’s house for some big news. Jen tells her that Brett is back and he was responsible for his own mistakes but Janna’s still a bitch for encouraging him and backstabbing is not what families do. What the hell kinda family did she come from? Jen asks flat out “are you bitchy? Were you trying to get him in trouble?” Beat. Pause. A minute passes.

I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat!

Jen gets sick of waiting so instead she ends it by telling Janna to be less of a twat in the future. Janna apologizes and guess who she’s working with today! Brett and Tara! Producers should have control over all our lives. They would be way more interesting and meaningful. Janna goes outside and apologizes to Brett. He says he’s gonna focus on work and blaming the DMV for his shitty life.

Gary and Cody are together today for a Julie job. Cody shows up in a suit, and Gary shows up in a mailman’s casual Friday uniform.

Their job today is Tyler Hilton, who’s some twenty year old who looks sixty. I hope someone thinks to force some fish oil pills and about a gallon of water down his throat. Lubrication can change your entire look, Tyler!

He’s a dye job away from Taylor Hicks.

Tyler’s doing a live performance tonight at a TJ Maxx opening or something. Julie tells them what she wants them to pull and then makes Gary write it down and repeat back to her what she just asked for.

Damn these glasses! They’ve failed me again!

He has no idea, cuz he’s afflicted with the dreaded ADD (sad horns and a visit from Ty Pennington), but Cody does. Julie tells us that she likes Gary but he needs to stop being such a bimbo. I don’t think stupidity can be fixed by a reprimand, but it’s good to see someone try. ADD is a serious, serious illness Julie!! It’s like cancer! Or AIDS! Or…no wait it’s not like those things at all. What was I talking about? Gary follows her around asking questions that she’s already answered, and she answers by asking Cody what she said. LOL. Cody is not gonna make many friends here, but he’s probably gonna win. Gary is hurt. Which means no squealing. Boooo!

Jen and her team will be working for a band called Chester French today. Their music video is all about punching each other in the face, which I wholeheartedly approve of. After just ten seconds of their shit song I wanna do the same thing. Jen sends the girls to one store and takes Brett with her to H&M. Brett tells her that he doesn’t have a car, and Jen says that in LA that’s against the rules. Like fatness. And your original body parts. And books. He admits to the boot, and Jen asks him what else he’s fucked up today. There’s a long moment of silence while he wonders whether or not to tell her he took twenty bucks from her purse. Janna pipes up and offers her car to Brett. Jen smiles evilly, knowing that he’ll probably drive it off a bridge.

Brett tells us that it was really nice of Janna to loan her her car cuz he would never do that for anybody. And there’s just another reason Brett will always suck. Over at the H&M showroom, Brett picks a lot of plaid. And some red pants. Jen comes in to check on him, and he pitches his pulls. She loves what he pulled, but gives more credit to H&M for being the perfect store for the band. In Gary’s giant tiny penis truck, he offers to set Cody up with some cute girls, but Cody says he’s after Julie!! Oh man Cody just got interesting.

Jen shows up to check on Janna and Tara’s pulls. Jen starts off completely unimpressed, and doesn’t grow out of it. She says they pulled too conservatively, but it doesn’t look conservative from this angle. It’s like a Lion’s Club meeting in Tampa.

Jen gets a call from the artist’s publicist. The kid’s sick, so they’re gonna have to switch gears and work on some dude named Max, who wants to wear a dress for his show tonight. LOL. Jen doesn’t bat an eyelash. She’s mad about having to switch plans so fast, but not about finding a decent dress for a dude. Cody and Gary move on to a men’s store and pull lots of simple jeans and plaids and sweaters. Well, Cody does. He thinks that his pulls are way better than Gary’s. I haven’t seen his pulls, but they have to be better than Gary’s.

Cut to Brett driving Janna’s car while reading something and rolling backwards, not paying attention. BLAM! He hits a car. HAHAHAHAHA. Well, he didn’t drive it off a bridge like I predicted, but I suspect that’s only cuz it would have messed up his troll hair. The guy he hit is kinda cool about it, maybe. I can’t remember because I’m really shallow and the dude is really hot, in a greasy cheesy LA kinda way.

This is the kinda guy I run into on purpose. It’s called GAME, people.

Cody and Gary show up to a rehearsal space to meet Julie and fit Taylor Hicks. Cody has put stickers on everything to make “a lasting impressing” on Julie. Shhhh. Don’t speak. Gary pitches his pulls first. Julie basically just wears this face the whole time.

Then it’s Cody’s turn. She loves it. Gary stands back, completely squealless. Julie whips out some salt and starts pouring it in his wound. She wants Cody to stay and help her while Gary goes off to hunt down a mirror. Snapple.

Squeeeeeealllll!

He’s mortified. Alone with Cody now, Julie yammers on about appreciating his work ethic and Cody tells us they know what each other is thinking without saying a word. I don’t know when he came to that conclusion cuz Julie hasn’t stfu for one second. But Cody’s in love, so he’s reading into shit. Then he winks. More than once. EW. Cody must be overthrown. I hope Janna’s still got some fight in her.

I’ll be here all week!

Cody asks Julie about herself. After sparing no detail about being born to a dragon-y looking dude with bullhorns and loving softball and eating birds heads as a kid, she gets to the more palatable stats. She interned for Lacriox, which frees me up to post my favorite clip of all time.

Julie went to University of Arizona, and Cody went to Arizona state! And that’s love! Brett meets Max, the dude who wants a dress, and his publicist at a hotel room. I give Brett five minutes to steal the sunglasses right off Max’s face, cuz those are right up his alley. When the police arrive, he’ll blame Sandra Bullock’s “All About Steve” for his crimes.

Talor Hick’s manager is his dad, a la Beyonce. He meets with the styling team. Gary has found a mirror, but they only have fifteen minutes cuz the girl he got it from needs it back. Julie keeps it and tells him to give the girl money for it and while he’s at it, get her some coffee. Gary asks us “what’s next, Advil? I’m not your bitch, girl!” Um….yes. Yes you are. Light on milk, two sugars, and some Bufferin, stat. He leaves pissily and Julie gives us a look like “can you believe his tude?” hahaha. Cody is thrilled that Gary’s taking it up the cornhole, so to speak. Gary finally gets back with coffee, and Taylor Hicks has chosen Cody’s look. Sad horns. The look is done, now all Cody and Gary have to do is get the clothes to the OC without screwing it up. Meanwhile, Brett is still alone with the client, and he’s doing a bang up job.

HAHAHAHAHAH

Max is hilarious. Jen shows up and tells him there are more clothes on their way up, and Max says there better be cuz he’s worried and he’s a big celebrity. LOL. Can he be an intern? I heard his band. It might actually be a step up. Jen knows how to deal with his craziness, and just talks to him like he works for her. Love Jen. She’s impressed with how “alive” Brett is, and completely annoyed with how lame Tara and Janna are. Ma tries on a dress, and it’s hard for even the stylists to load a bunch of “you look fabulous” bs onto him. After an awkward pause, Jen says “I think you need a cardigan.” This show needs to run longer than Cheers.

Max loves the look, which now boasts the old man robe and a giant chain necklace. He thinks that people will think he’s gay, but he’s not, and that’s good. The youth of our times. I don’t get it, but I absolutely love it. These people are gonna rule the world soon, and it will be a much happier, higher, more sexually ambiguous world. Mr. President, Russia is threatening to attack. Again.

Tell Russia their nukes can suck my cock. But not in a gay way.

Over at the Taylor Hicks gig, Julie spouts off items that Taylor can keep and things he can’t. If they don’t come back with one thing they’re supposed to they’re dead! And Cody and Julie’s relationship will be over! Other job. Brett tells Janna that her car went into reverse and hit a Range Rover. LOL. The car’s fault. Julie hears this and freaks out. Brett tries to soothe them by reminding them that it wasn’t just anyone he hit. It was Madonna’s choreographer. LOL. In that case, thanks Brett! He looks like he feels really bad though.

OC Gig – The lead singer will go on even though he was so sick. He tries to be funny and charming and odd, but we already met Max so he’s just a big pool of fail. He loves the pink pants Brett pulled, and most of the items he picks are Brett. Tara and Janna just stand around quietly and offer nothing, and Jen’s not pleased. Really, Brett was the perfect pick for this gig.

Jen loves what Brett did and he will not be getting fired. The Janna car crash thing is now forgotten. He’ll probably get a bonus for that one, cuz Janna’s an ahole. The team gets to watch the concert, and the guys look like runaway homeless teens on Hwood Blvd, which is what they’re going for. People from Harvard like to look poor so they seem more relatable.

Other concert. Gary and Cody are missing a belt and some dog tags, and Cody is already trying to blame Gary. Cody is insistent on getting the belt. So much so that he goes up to Hicks in the middle of signing autographs to rip the belt off him. Cody thinks he was super smooth, but I’m wondering how long it’s gonna take Beyonce’s mortified father to put a call into Julie.

The next morning, Julie is pissed that they got the belt cuz Hicks was supposed to keep it. She’s mortified that he went up and asked for a belt in the middle of signing autographs. Relationship over. Even though she says that she wouldn’t have been surprised if Gary did something so stupid but she is surprised that it was Cody, Gary smiles big. He might have been dissed, but he won’t be getting coffee today.

Cody thinks that she’s overreacting and they can just mail it back, but Julie’s mind is completely changed and thinks now that Gary is smarter than Cody. HAHAHAHAHAH. Stupid Cody. Ranking time!! Jen’s office – Jen is annoyed with Janna for being quiet and says she would help her with her shyness but she’s not a shrink. Tara was quiet and not helpful either, but Brett kicked ass and she’s glad she gave him another chance. She’s mortified that Cody stole Taylor Hicks’ belt, and Gary is defensive, saying he doesn’t have anything to brag about but it’s because he had to run errands for Julie. Jen’s like yeah no one cares. Brett is first, Cody’s second, Gary’s third, Tara is fourth. Tara is pissed. She says that she isn’t supposed to chat too much on set, and Jen tells her not being annoying is different than being dull as dishwater. Then Tara secretly plans to put Jen’s dentures in her ass cheeks when she’s not home and fill all her Lady Rogaine bottles with peanut butter.

Next week, Cody gets pissed cuz someone’s calling him gay and someone else is spreading rumors that he’s banging Julie (JANNA!). I’ll be there!