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This week on Styl’d, Cody’s a shit face, Janna’s a cry face, Brett’s dirty, Eric’s an evil queen, Gary squeals a lot (with good reason), and Julie has….wait for it…a HEART!!!
I know, right?
We pick up this week where we left off, with Jen telling off Tara. “You’re a mess, you look like a broken old person, you’re psycho, you smell like fois, you’re a skank, no one will ever love you, etc.” She says that if she hears that Tara talks about her behind her back she’ll kill her dead. Every episode needs to open with Jen telling someone off. It’s a beautiful thing.
Later that night, the assistants hang out and drown their sorrows. Tara just can’t understand why “Jen wanted to slaughter me!”, and Janna can’t understand why she’s been last place in a style competition every time. And yet, she’s wearing the answer.
Brett’s trying to look all Silverlake artsy dirty musician type-y, but he’s just coming off like a homeless Chipmunk with psoriasis. There needs to be a mirror in that frame.
He gives Tara a pep talk about not moping around and instead acting like a stylist, dammit. “Do you know how many kids would kill to be here?” I don’t think most kids even understand that shopping for anorexic b listers is even a job, but I’ll roll with it. Gary squeals “Thousands!” LOL. Kids, focus and maybe one day you can drive around getting coffee for bald women and choosing clothes for semi-stars that fat dudes in sweats will take credit for! It’s the American Delusion!
This “party” is really lame. As Gary puts it, they just had the longest most horrible day ever and “Tara almost got murdered.” So let’s get trashed and play spin the bottle!! EEEWWWWWW!!! Individually, I don’t want to see any of them make out. Collectively, I don’t want to see any of them make out. Please. God. Please don’t let this happen.
Hope someone brought Altoids. Or a gun to shoot themselves with to save them the long trek up chlamydia mountain.
They take turns pecking each other. Janna gets a vag boner when Cody kisses her. When they get some time alone, Janna gives him shit for adding tongue, and he’s like yeah I’m straight. They kiss, and in less than five seconds, Janna is on top of him! Then they go to a bedroom and I can only assume BANG. HAHAHAH LOLOLOLLLEEEEEWWWWWWWW. Gary squeals and runs away from the house like it’s on fire. Love him.
This is like showing a starving child the entrance to The Golden Corral.
The next morning, Cody is still on Brett’s plastic couch, nekkid and stuff. Gary and Brett warn him that Janna might be a little…I dunno….clingy? Scary? Demented? Undeveloped? Stalkerish? Jealous? Murderous? Unstable? Ready to breed little gay ginger babies and release them upon the genpop? Cody wants to just ignore it, cuz he’s not at all into Janna. Gary and Brett, who have probably dealt with guys like this many times, look sad for Janna. You don’t tell a couple girls about how you like to screw over girls, gay guy! I’m confusing myself.
Let me take a moment to talk about how I’m such a straight stud while I rub my wiener to an audience of gay guys.
They either feel sorry for Janna or they know that they are going to be the ones to have to deal with her crazy ass.
Cody, Janna, and Tara will all be working together for Eric today, and Janna is already trying to decode last night. What happens when a guy dumps inside you, giggles like a ten year old girl, and throws your shoe at your head? Must be loooove! Cody and Janna are super awkward. Janna says she doesn’t want last night to affect her performance today. That would suck if she was, like, LAST or something. Their gig is styling a werewolf guy from Twilight. Whatever they do will be wrong, because clothes are not made for men like this.
Just make him wear this.
Cody had a big dinner, but he looks like he’s already hungry again.
And now for a game of Spin the Bottom.
This will be a photo editorial for LA Confidential Magazine. They will shoot in the cemetery, and the story is that Werewolf hunts these girls there, kills them, and then they rise from the dead and go after him. That’s called family fun in 2009. Tara, being a huge fan of looking dead, is thrilled with the assignment. Eric takes Cody with him and sends the girls off on their own, but not without one request for Janna first: Please don’t fall into the graves. HAHAHAHAHAH
Brett and Gary arrive at Julie’s, and Brett says that he’s scared of her. You’re scared? How do you think she feels? You’re dressed like Aileen Wuornos.
Their gig today is Keri Hilson, whom, Gary explains, is a HUGE star. F Keri Hilson! I want Carni Wilson. That’s a huge star. Julie has pulled most of the dresses already, so they are just left with accessories. Eric has already pulled for his team too. WTF? Aren’t they supposed to be proving themselves? Oh yeah. They’ve already done that for six weeks. Hence the lack of trust. Still, what’s the point? Gary’s bored and cruising craigslist on his bberry, which Julie takes away. She tells us that she’s really annoyed with Gary’s inability to focus. Montage of Gary jumping up and down like a monkey and giggling at nothing like a crazy person.
Cody is shopping with Eric, and tells us that the theme today is “Thriller meets…dead zombies.” LOL. Thriller was about “dead” zombies, moron. Ah, kids. He’s picking some super loud, hideous crap, and Eric’s not having it. He rightly accuses Aiken of pulling tablecloths. Janna and Tara are shopping for suits, and they work together well so there won’t be any stealing accusations. They’re both terrified and not confident, which means success. They take half the store with them. Whoever said “less is more” didn’t have to deal with Jen and Julie and their parade of “no, no, hayell no, you’re untalented, you’re ugly, no, no nonon ononononononoooo”.
Gary and Brett arrive at their next store, and they meet their biggest star yet. The Shoebox Greetings lady!
Did you think I was kidding?
Turns out that the woman who owns this store is one of Julie’s best friends!!
No, silly! Not a box of pinot grigio!
Another girl who looks just like her!
I know birds of a feather flock together, but this is ridiculous. They look like identical cousins. Gary decides that the best thing to do in this situation is to work super hard and look really focussed in front of Julie2 so that word will go back to his boss and he’ll get a gold star or maybe even a job. NOPE just kidding. He comes up with an even better idea! He’s trash talk Julie to Julie2! Man, isn’t Julie an insufferable bitch? Julie2′s got a giant shiteating grin on her face like, oh man I can wait to call insufferable bitch and have her put me on speakerphone while she eats the squealbox out of your throat. Even Brett’s uncomfortable with this, and he was raised by wolves. Really gay wolves, but still.
They are supposed to be shopping for accessories, but Gary doesn’t like that assignment so he spends his time pulling dresses. LOL. He’s so fucking stupid I would propose to him right now if he was here. I love stupidity in a man who works out. Scary music starts to play as the crew arrives at the cemetery. This show? Is made for like five dollars a week, which is why they couldn’t wait for a crow or a vulture or something.
Tweety Bird is scarier than this wimp. Were there no pigeons around?
Janna and Tara arrive late, and Eric’s all lispethiopiafricany about it. He’s literally clicking out lisps right now. He’s in love with Tara’s pulls (yay!) and in total hate with Janna’s (still yay!). She’s not surprised. Neither is anyone within ten feet of this show.
Because Matthew is just so gauche.
The star and his photographer guy arrive. Tara pitches her pulls for the girls to Matthew (Sorry queen, but I refuse to spell your hooked on phonics name.). Matthew loves Tara’s look but hates Janna’s, which means they can’t use Tara’s either for some reason. So Eric’s pulls win! Eric tells us that Janna is a waste of flesh and basic biology and he wants her to choke on her own suck.
Cody works with the werewolf guy, who talks about how excited he is to be famous. Then Cody offers him a blowjob. No, he doesn’t. On camera at least. Janna is sad so while Tara works at getting the girls ready, Janna stands by a tree and whines. Cody comes over to comfort her. He does this by refusing to look her in the face as he suggests that she man up. Janna gets pissed at the treatment she’s receiving by…well, life I guess. She storms off and…cries? Rubs one out? Eats a candy bar? We don’t know. The tension is killing me!
Julie meets Gary and Brett at Universal and immediately confronts Gary about calling her a bitch whore from hell. He assures her that he opened with “I love Julie.” LOL. She decides to put her hate aside and just check their work. She likes Gary’s work more than Brett’s, but she wants him dead so she’s got what we call a conundrum. When it comes to accessories (which was the actual assignment), Brett shines more. Carnie Wilson comes in to check out what she’ll be wearing, and she says she wants to go to the after party dressed down and definitely not in a dress. Woops!! They are screwed, so they offer Carnie a pizza and try to come up with something.
Back at the graveyard, Janna is nowhere to be found while Cody gives himself the best seat in the house.
Geeze werewolf calm yourself. You’ll get as much boygina as you can handle in a few months. Don’t just give it away to the help.
Cody’s cornhole gazing, Janna’s sobbing, and Tara’s WORKING!! GO TARA!! She’s found the perfect gig for herself. Complete with beheadings.
Eric goes to check on one of the girls and finds a Janna mistake. He says that she’s useless and kicks her off set. Ouch. He repeats that she’s useless and brings nothing. Damn Eric we get it!! I wish that it was Tara on the shit end of this stick, if only to see her pop her butt zits all over his tongue brush.
Janna is upset about getting get kicked off set and even more about getting dissed and ignored by Aiken. But she gets it together and tells us that it’s her dream to dress people badly and she’s not gonna let some fat track pants wearing queen tell her she can’t do it. That’s the spirit! She sees a hanging strap or something on one of the models and walks right into the shot to fix it, with only like five minutes of daylight left. The photographer screams “Who are you people? You’re ineffectual!” LOL. Eric takes Janna to the side and says he’s done with her ass and wants her to leave because she doesn’t even seem to want it. Hasn’t he already kicked her off the set? The editing on this show sucks sometimes, but it’s fun to watch Janna get tortured over and over again. It’s like a really low rent Groundhog Day. She walks off and starts sobbing. Aw! Janna’s easy to make fun of, but she’s a nice girl. Wait. She’s a backstabbing bitch. Never mind.
Some people look at pictures of cute kittens to brighten their day. This is now on my office wall. Thanks, Janna!
Back at the Carnie Wilson gig, the team has fit her into a cute army vest and some jeans. Julie tells Carnie that Gary is ADD and can’t pull it together. HAHAH. Gary is offended and hurt, which is even more hilarious, cuz he can’t see that she’s just getting revenge for his shit talking to Julie2. He doesn’t squeal. When Carnie leaves, Julie asks Gary why he would think it’s ok to talk shit about her to her friend. He says that he wanted to know what she was like out of work…that’s not working so he immediately switches tactics and says he’s very hurt that she called him ADD in front of a client because (cue sad tinkly pianos. Seriously) he is legit ADD and it’s an ILLNESS! And he’s had it since he was a kiiiiid! And everyone made fun of hiiiim! And they stiiiilll doooooooooo!!!! WAHAHAHAHAH. Hilarious. Julie falls for it and says that she feels really bad about what she did to the poor little guy and understands now that he’s really talented and really wants this. LOL. Well played, Squeak!!
Back at the graveyard, the shoot finishes up and Tara goes to check on Janna and give her crap for leaving the job. She was forced to leave! Twice! Janna cries more, and Tara tries to kinda talk her out of not leaving. That night, the assistants go to the Abbey, where I had my bday party! HOLLER! Gary brings his cousin, who Cody is now going to try and bang. Gary asks (right in front of hot cousin) what Cody is gonna do about macking on Janna and then ignoring her. Cody makes ew faces and says that everyone is guilty of making out with people they don’t like. Cousin is like “not me!” HA. Cody is such a tool. Janna arrives, and Brett squeezes her into the booth right next to Cousin. Cody sidles right up to Cousin and starts calling Janna a stalker. DAMN!!! Brett tells him to stfu, and leaves the table with everyone but Cody and Cousin. And Cody starts making out with WHORE COUSIN!! HAHAHAHAHAH. Does he not remember that Janna was just in Temecula Jail for beating someone’s ass in a bar?
Apparently not. She rushes the table and lets her shit FLY. THE END!! WHAT?!?!?!?! NOOOOO!! I wanna see Janna beat someone!! Maybe next week? ? ? If not, maybe we’ll at least get to see her kicked off another set. Til then!!