Styl’d: Pete Wentz Pays the Mortgage

Tonight on Styl’d, Nicole Richie designs male pattern baldness headpieces in honor of our head judge. Awwww!

Jen should sue for copyright infringement.

We open with really sad music and a shot of sad plaid shirts and vests. Plaid? Will never go away. Let’s take a moment and think about that while the Irish funeral music plays.

Bagpipe music was made for displays like this.

Are you ok? Ok then let’s move on. Gary arrives at MMA in his giant tiny penis truck, saying they were called here for rankings and Jen sounded super pissed. Tara is worried too. At least I think that’s what a skirt up to her ribcage with suspenders means.

You can’t hit me! I’m just a child! In 1988!

Gary and Tara are stuck waiting outside the building together, and they stand half a block from each other and don’t speak. The others arrive but a little ray of sunshine is missing. Where’s Janna? Did she get fired? Did she get hurt trying to tape her bumper back on? Was there a sale on American Princess dolls that she couldn’t leave? Who knows? But the others are whispering drama. Actually, Jen just called cuz with all the drama last week there wasn’t time to rank them and she just sounded pissed cuz that’s her default phone tone.

She’s shocked that Janna is MIA and can’t believe she would miss something as important as being berated for not bringing coffee fast enough or getting the car packed tightly enough. Jen starts by sniping at Brett for his sexual harassment of Cody last week. It’s not appropriate to offer blow jobs at work. Blow, yes, this is Hollywood. Just leave the jobs off the end.

Brett smiles really big, and Jen gets him back by giving Cody the number one slot!! Brett is number two, and doesn’t mention that Cody stole his pink checkered t-shirt as his own. Aw, growth! Tara is commended for not being a wallflower, but takes shit for letting the rack fall to the ground. Janna never arrives to find that she’s last. AGAIN. And now for a meeting with Paul’s cousin from Mad About You, who’s the VP at MMA.

This is what real people look like in plaid. Yes, all the kids are still wearing it, but you look like the Bounty Man’s semi-retarded brother in that thing. Get thee to a Men’s Wearhouse!

The meeting isn’t only with VP, it’s with the entire staff!! Why? Because they all need to discuss how much Janna sucks? No. No but that would be fun. It’s because today’s job is HUUUUGE people! The Oscars? The Emmys? Grammys? Spike Scream Awards? Better! A celebrity fashion show starring Nicole Richie’s made from Michael’s jewelry! Sad horns. Julie will be working with Tara, and they will have eight models who need two outfits each. Jen is taking Cody and Janna to work on Nicole and four of the models. Eric has Brett and Gary for the dancers and a rock band. Nicole Richie has her jewelry to show off and Pete Wentz has put out a clothing line. If they had just asked Tori Spelling to come and show off her HSN line this would be a Stars No One Cares About Sell Things No One Cares About trifecta.

As Tara leaves, she grumbles about getting stuck on Julie’s team. Julie hates her and no matter what she does she’s gonna be seen as a failure. Well, try not failing AGAIN anyway, just for fun. And maybe just don’t talk about anything personal. Cuz one thing Julie doesn’t want from you is anything resembling a relationship. It’s not you. It’s your status. And your suspenders possibly.

Julie follows her out of the building and tells her to cut the crap and act like an adult. Tara kinda stutters some stuff out, but none of the words include “I’m sorry.” Julie doesn’t really require an apology, she just needs someone who can unload boxes all day and not start spreading gossip about the boxes to other boxes. Tara’s like uh….ok?

Brett and Gary head off to shop for a band called Academy Is. This is gonna be a really really tough assignment. Where are they gonna find V neck t-shirts these guys haven’t already worn?

The Rachel Cut is back.

They are in Brett’s car, which is of course filthy. Gary asks him to clean his windshield, but Brett is out of fluid. LOL. I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone to clean their windshield before, and Brett’s taken aback too. He says he’s sorry he can’t be perfect, and Gary says that he needs to learn to KIP, which means Keep It Pretty at all times. Love Gary, and the cell ringer of him squealing “ooh girl SUGAR COOKIES!!” has been playing on my phone all week. It only got uncomfortable in the waiting room at the groomers. For some reason, a straight guy works at the front desk there and he looked at me like my phone was ringing “Fagito Burrito” by Menudo.

They get to a massive closet, and Gary offers to hunt for bottoms. Brett giggles, because Gary wouldn’t know what to do with a bottom. Brett finds some, yes you guessed it, PLAID. It’s the theme of the episode. He likes it cuz it’s totally different than what rocker guys normally wear. Except for every rocker guy since the 90′s. OY.

OMG REVOLUTION TIME! Maybe you can suggest they all learn to play guitars, too.

The boys flit around the store practicing pitch lines to each other. “No sleeves can make this more grungy!” “I’m going for a ‘woke up looking kinda great’ look!” “Skinny jeans!” “Skinny jeans!” “I just said that!” “No I did!” “Skinny jeeeans!” They’re what cave men would have been like if God hadn’t invented testosterone.

Eric comes in and sees only plaid, plaid, plaid and more plaid. Oh, and skinny jeans. He loves all of it, and wants to know if they have a pair of acid washed jeans in his size. Um, they don’t make skinny jeans in your size, Eric. You know that! Otherwise you wouldn’t spend hundreds of dollars on fancy sweat pants to wear wherever you go. Life is unfair. Eric thinks they are both doing a good job, but he’s more into Brett because he’s more attainable relaxed and confident.

Tara arrives at a store called Switch to look for clothes that “compliment Nicole Richie’s jewelry but don’t compete with it.” We’ve only seen one shot of the jewelry, but it’s GIANT. I don’t think there is a store to sell anything that would compete with it. Unless they’re selling freeway wrecks in boutiques these days.

She starts pulling lots of bright random stuff, and when Julie comes in, she is full of oh hayell no. But it’s hard to blame her.

This episode is giving me a migraine. I would kill for a solid color right about now.

Julie says she’s surprised and confused with the weirdness of Tara’s pulls. Really? You are? Cuz she’s dressed like Baby Jane right now. But then she loves this, so who knows what the hell is in her head?

When we come back from commercials, everything has changed and now Julie loves everything Tara is showing her. I don’t get it, but I don’t care enough to try and figure it out. Tara takes this to mean that Julie can be the bigger person and see past her hate and it’s only a matter of time before she’s back on top in the program! When was Tara on top? I don’t remember that episode. This was kind of a boring scene, so the camera man throws in a shot of Tara’s bowling shoes.

LOL camera man.

Jen and Cody go to a store together, and Cody is glad to have some one on one time with her to work his prepubescent charms. He’s admittedly scared shitless, but don’t worry buddy, Jen has that effect on most children. He walks in like a man with a plan, and Jen loves that he’s taking charge. Still no word from Janna, so Jen calls her and she had to go to court in Temecula and she’s totally embarrassed but….she got arrested for getting into a fight! LOLOLOLOLLLLL. The show hasn’t even aired yet. This girl is probably getting bottles thrown at her head right about now. I would find out for you, but the Temecula Bee isn’t online.

Jen offers to come get her and bring her some tea and hugs. Kidding! She laughs at her and tells her that she wants to see Janna and Tara throw down. This is the only town in the world that getting thrown in jail gets a shrug and a giggle from your boss. That’s why so many criminals live here. If this recap is late, it’s because I was finally caught with my bootlegs of Veronica’s Closet and am serving time in…god I hope not Temecula. Over at some other showroom, Brett’s excited to finally get to dress women, and Gary is so thrilled that he puts all the dresses over his neck.

That’s only missing one thing. A squeal!

There you go!

Eric arrives to meet them late and they are being rushed. Gary doesn’t have a whole lot pulled, and when we get to commercial dramatic music is playing and Eric is pissed. But when we come back, Eric is loving what Brett pulled and not talking to Gary at all. When it is Gary’s turn, we don’t get to see any of it. I get that it’s hard to create drama in the editing room with a show that’s basically just clips of queens shopping for other people all day, but can’t you guys just hint that Eric’s molesting people or something? You probably just have to follow him around enough. I don’t know why I’m still typing. Moving on.

Cody arrives at his next store and Janna shows up. He’s annoyed that she’s there cuz he’s done everything without her already so she should just go home and try to get the Vaseline off her face from her girl fight. Everyone starts arriving at the job site. Cody is wearing a seersucker jacket and a Dick Tracy hat, but I can’t laugh at him because now Janna’s here, and whatever the f she’s in is so offensive that it drowns out everything else going on around her.

Poor Eric has arrived with his new pair of skinny jeans and wow. His mangina is making a camel toe all the way up to his belly button. They’re called skinny jeans for a reason, dude!

Jaws music starts playing as Julie arrives. There’s no sign of Tara anywhere, and someone’s leg is possibly about to get eaten off. Cody is glad that Tara’s late because now Julie’s relying on him. Give it up already, Aiken! Eric assigns Gary to the girls and Brett to the boys because he thinks that Gary’s attention to detail would work better with the girls. Brett’s pissed, cuz he’s been watching along with this episode and he was being led to believe that Eric liked his work way more than Gary’s. At least we’re not the only ones feeling lied to! Eric might just be acting erratic because he’s not getting enough oxygen to his brain. This guy is sucking it in so hard his belly button is touching his spine.

There’s no shame in Spanx. Hilarity, yes, shame, no.

Tara finally arrives and Julie is fit to be tied. Tara moseys on over to her and helps unpack reeeeeally slowly. She tosses off a sad “traffic” excuse, but Julie knows she’s full of shit. Sure enough, Tara’s alarm didn’t go off. I want to root for Tara because she listed Liza Minelli as a fashion inspiration, but she’s making it kinda hard. She picks up a load of clothes and follows Julie, who clucks like a hen the whole way inside.

Gary is working with the dancing girls and they love everything on the rack. Eric is thrilled that Gary’s “pumping out all these looks!” Almost every single one of them are looks that Brett pulled. So wrong! Meanwhile, Brett is stuck with the band of dirty white kids with problems. Once they are dressed, they look exactly the same as they did when they came in. Like rich kids trying to look homeless. Oh, rock and roll. When did you stop vomiting on yourself?

Time to dress the male models. Janna is annoyed that Cody’s just letting the guys pick whatever they like. Jen calls, and she makes Cody meet her in the parking lot to bitch at him for starting with the guys before she got a chance to go over the clothes. You’re not working for Eric, buddy! That guy doesn’t care what you do as long as it’s fabulous and he gets to take credit. And steal pants in toddler size.

A preggers Nicole Richie arrives and Jen tells her she looks like a peanut with a littler peanut inside. Nicole’s like “I look like I ate peanuts?!?!?” Then she barfs.

Cleanup on aisle five!

A lot of trying things on ensues. Nicole wants her giant clunky jewelry stacked one on top of each other. The models haven’t had to carry this much weight since they were children and still had baby fat. I hope someone remembered to bring protein shakes. Every time Jen says something, Cody says something like “I’m ok with that” or “that really works for me.” He’s gonna get his ass beat. I hope it’s on camera.

Pete Wentz arrives and he’s teeny tiny. Cody keeps intervening, but Pete loves what they did so she’s really happy with him. Pete asks Jen who she likes the best, and she says that she wasn’t into Janna until she got arrested for fighting and became interesting, and Cody is good but he needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. LOL. Red carpet time! Hey! This is a huge event! I just saw this guy get murdered on Medium last week!

Sometimes it’s ok to change your name.

Eric is proud of his work, and gives Gary credit for everything but one piece. And it was probably the one with the crack.

By the end of the show, Jen says she’s really happy that everyone worked as a team and pulled off a great show. Happy endings! Wait. Julie pulls Tara aside after the show and says that Tara isn’t apologetic enough for being forty five minutes late. Tara doesn’t say much in response, she just shrugs, but she tells us that Julie’s wrong when she accuses her of not thinking. “I do think. Horrible things about you, Julie.” HAHAH. Then she hocks a loogie in Julie’s water bottle and goes out to the parking lot to pee on Julie’s front seat. Poor Julie still has no idea why she smells pee everywhere she goes.

Ranking time. Tara is all victimy about it before it even begins cuz no one likes her. Jen says that she doesn’t even know what to do with her and needs to be more reliable. Tara shurgs and says she apologized so what else can she do? Stop staring at Jen’s male pattern baldness for one.

What are you looking at?

Nothing. But I put some Nair in your conditioner so good luck with that.

Eric gave Gary credit for everything, but Jen ends up giving Brett the number one slot. Gary is visibly disappointed, but all he did was watch girls try on clothes so shut it. Jen is not ok with Cody starting the fitting without her, so he’s third. Oh man Tara is last and Janna didn’t even show up for a day of work! Owee. On the next Sty’l, more shopping! People falling in pools! Jen telling Tara off! I’ll be there!