Stylista: Child’s Play

This week on Stylista, drama continues as whiney Kate gets even whinier. In fact, she’s almost over-taking Megan as the show’s most annoying character. Meanwhile, Anne Slowey introduces her Mini Me.

A cardigan AND a string of pearls!? Must be a Golden Girl in training.This week picks up exactly where we left off last week as our Stylistas relax back at their mansion and speak of the horrors of elimination. Gay Sidekick — who narrowly escaped the frosty glare of Anne’s elimination eyes — tells us that being in the bottom two is the worst thing that could ever happy to anybody on the face of the planet. He giggles on about how he’s been humbled and then quickly moves from criticism of himself to criticism of Katie.

We cut away to a very lonely Kate sitting on the couch by herself, paging through “Elle” magazine — perhaps teaching herself how to read. She tells us that all the criticism is a compliment because they wouldn’t be so mean unless they saw her as a threat. Ehh….true…..but not in this case. No, I think that in this case, she’s not seen as a threat. She’s just seen as an annoying, whiney, brainless boob.

Joey McIntire walks in from outside where he was cackling away with Gay Sidekick to ask Kate if she’s mad at him. Have you ever noticed how much this boy ENUNCIATES at us? He enthusiastically E-NUN-CI-ATES every single syllable as if to say, “I’m Brit-ISH, and we TALK very pre-CISE-ly!” He tells us that Kate is tra-GIC and not very BRIGHT. And he couldn’t see her as an editor at any magazine, especially not Elle. Time Magazine or National Geographic, maybe. But definitely not the braniac-athon that is ELLE! Kate tells Joey that she plans to separate herself because she’s a Leo, and Leos do not work in teams. (The astrological lion sign would also explain her big mane of hair, btdubs.) Then she muses on about how she could potentially win the competition, to which Joey Mac gives a very robust and British laugh.

“LuckILY for ME, I’m a VAGITARIUS.”

Johanna is avoiding all the laughter and drama to brush her teeth in solitude. She tells us that she needs to focus on the competition because she was born to work for “Elle,” and she wants it more than anything. Then her hair stands up and tells us that’s it’s just always wanted to be a dentist.

The next morning, our Stylistas file into Anne Slowey’s office. She says that for the next challenge, they’ll be working for a client even crazier than her. For added dramatic effect, she spins her desk chair around to reveal the corpse of a small, frail child. This is her niece, Erin Slowey. Erin is incredibly demanding and fashion forward, and her 10th birthday just so happens to be approaching. The party will be at FAO Schwartz and the most stylish people will be guests. The challenge will be for each Trendsetter to come up with a theme for the party, complete with decorations, party favors, cake and entertainers.

Mind you, Erin smiles during none of this. Not even when the word “cake” is uttered.

The stylistas will have to pitch their ideas to Anne and Erin and will have $50 to buy stuff for the pitch. Whichever assistant Erin picks will win the task. Finally Erin opens to mouth to say, “I want my party to be FABuuuuulous! I want it at EFF AAA OO Schwaaaaartz.” If 10-year-olds could read, then I’d swear she had cue cards. Wait. Can 10-year-olds read? Maybe they can. Obviously I am vastly out-of-touch with today’s youth. Good thing I don’t have to complete this challenge. And, for heaven’s sake, someone get this child some sunlight! She looks as though she’s well on her way to developing a severe case of rickets.

Our contestants hustle out of the room and first begin by calling entertainers. They all seem pretty clueless. And then they head out on the town to shop for the pitch. Kate’s drama starts pretty early. “I foRgOt mY monEY! You guuyyyyysssssssssss!” Can’t she make a statement without whining??? And how do you forget your money? All she wants is just OnE vaNiLLa cuPcaKE, you guuuuyyyyssssssss! Perfume takes pity on the little brat and buys the cupcake for her. Danielle tells us that it was a little foolish of Perfume to help Kate, and she hopes that she doesn’t let the niceness get in the way of her winning. Megan, on the other hand, tells us that she would have never helped Kate. Well, duh, Megan. That’s why you’re the villain.

Next, our team enters a party store. Ashlie tells us that she wants to do a “Sex and the City”-themed party and found a lot of good stuff for it in the store. Eeek. That worries me. The girl is 10. Is “Sex and the City” really appropriate? But there’s no time to consider this because Perfume’s helping Kate has come back to bite her and now she doesn’t have enough money for her props. Gay Sidekick asks why Perfume would put herself at risk to save Kate, and I am wondering the same thing.

Next time put those boobs to work and shove your money between them.

Time for the big presentation. Megan is up first. They are joined by Erin’s little sister (who is also named Megan) and will help choose the winner. Megan’s theme is a costume ball, and she walks in dressed like a pirate and wielding balloon butterfly wings. Her presentation cracks a small smile but seems largely unimpressive.

And what is that THING standing off to the side? Please, I really would like to sleep again!

Joey McIntire wants to do a “Secret Garden” theme with flowers and straw dresses. He hopes it’s very English prep-school, and……snoooooze.

Perfume has no props except for the cupcake. She stammers on about a girl named Erin who lives in the Plaza Hotel. And her party is “decorated with none other than diamonds, and sil-st-st-sterling silver and light pink.” How are you going to create a diamond-encrusted paradise with $50, pray tell?

Danielle want to throw a rocker party with temporary hair color. Gay Sidekick has a psychic who will read Tarot cards and open your heart to dark magic and devil worship. And Ashleigh’s “Sex and the City” party involves mocktinis, kiddie cosmos and the promising future of budding alcoholism and STDs.

Doesn’t little Meggo look like she should be playing a human/doll character on “Passions?”

Johanna’s theme is a fashion show, and Erin lights up at the idea. The guests will arrive on a pink carpet where a photographer will take pictures. I do enjoy the idea of photographers because that means there will be flashbulbs. And God knows that little girl could use some Vitamin D! Johanna also has an illusionist on-hand that captures his voice inside a jar and makes it echo back at him. If you didn’t actually see the show, then you are probably confused by that last sentence. Don’t worry, I didn’t really understand what was going on either and neither did Anne.

“Don’t make me think, Johanna. It causes unsightly frown lines.”

Rounding out our last few contestants, Devin wants to turn FAO Schwartz into a giant shoe closet. And Kate would like the party theme to be a Scottish royal court, so she brings a bagpipe player along with her. Anne asks Erin what her favorite song is, and it’s Rhianna’s “S.O.S.” Does that song translate well to the bagpipes? No, but the Scottish man definitely tries. I know that it’s hard to imagine, but it actually sounds really, really bad. Even the bagpipe player looks a little embarrassed.

This wouldn’t even sound good after two or three mocktinis.

The winner is Johanna because Erin thinks that a fashion show would be very enjoyable. So Johanna will get to select the teams for the editorial challenge. Malina waltzes in and explains that the challenge will be to create a mother/daughter trend page. First, they’ll pick a photo that will be the focal point of the page. Second, they’ll choose accessories and clothing from the “Elle” closet that supports the trend. And third, the page must also show the reader where to buy the items. There will be three teams and each team will pick a mother/daughter pairing at Erin’s party that they’d like to feature.

Now for the teams. Team 1: Devin, Danielle and Joey Mac. Team 2: Perfume, Ashlie and Kate. Team 3: Johanna, Gay Sidekick and Megan. Johanna explains that she chose G.S. and Megan to be on her team because they are the only ones with an innate sense of style. Everyone else is on the same, lower level except that Kate is even a few rungs below that.

Our teams report to FAO Schwartz and start setting up for the fashion show. Johanna delegates all the duties and gets really stressed out. She even allows all the pressure to go to her head to the point of standing on a chair and then falling off of it. Why she stands on the chair is unclear, but girl needs to chill out.

Her lopsided hairdo is obviously throwing off her equilibrium.

The mother/daughter pairs show up for Erin’s party, and while the illusionist entertains the girls, our contestants schmooze with the mothers to find good candidates for their photoshoots. All is well except that Kate and Johanna have their eye on the same mother — a strapping lady wearing a doily for a dress. And before Kate can formally choose the lady, Johanna’s team has already sealed the deal. Kate throws a fit and yammers on about how she HATES Johanna and HATES the world and how it’s not fair. For a minute, I almost get Kate confused with all the 10-year-olds and have a hard time picking her out again. Oh wait, Kate is the one acting like the seven year old.

Brett enters to try to calm the drama. She asks the highly-demanded mother to choose which team she’d rather work with. Being put on the spot, the mother gets confused and clucks around like a chicken. So Perfume interjects and says that they’ll pick someone else because it’s not worth making the mother feel so uncomfortable. Kate stomps away and tells everyone to go screw themselves, which is VERY classy and VERY “Elle” Magazine!

At this point, I think that Erin Slowey would make a more mature contestant on this show.

During the actual photoshoots, both Danielle’s and Johanna’s teams move along swimmingly with not much to report. But Perfume, Ashlie and Kate’s photoshoot goes horribly. Kate whines and disagrees with everything that Perfume and Ashlie want to do. She only wants SMILING pictures instead of a mix of both fun and serious ones. She is so obnoxious during the whole thing that I can hardly believe this girl ever got into law school. That law school must be so embarrassed.

Our teams head back to “Elle” and begin rifling through the closet. Ashlie and Perfume choose metallic for their trend and want everything on the page to be metallic. Kate pushes for color accents but is largely ignored. Devin, Joey McIntire and Danielle choose a Bohemian, prints motif. And Johanna, Megan and GS choose a “pretty but punk” theme.

Perfume and Ashlie continue to pull clothes from the closet, and everything they choose, Kate hates. In fact, maybe we should just call her “Hate” from now on. Seems fitting, doesn’t it? Perfume tells us that there’s no time to cry and complain, they just need to get the assignment done. Hate continues to whine on about how she HATES that dress. And really HATES metallics because they are out of style. And, really, this girl must have been improperly socialized because there are ways of communicating that Hate doesn’t seem to fully grasp.

That night at the house, Gay Sidekick wants to discuss the upcoming elimination. Hate pipes up and says she doesn’t like her team’s trend. Ashlie scolds her, telling her that she has to backup their trend and their decisions. But Hate hates everything on the page! She hates that dress! She hates that ugly, fucking dress! She hates, hates, HATES everything! Perfume says that it’s about more than the one dress. It’s about layout and cohesion. Hate begins separating herself, so if they are in the bottom two, she can defend herself and say she wasn’t a part of it.

“You better say you love metallics or else my eyes WILL pop out of my head, and they WILL walk down the street and they WILL find you!”

Well enough of that because it’s already the next day and time for the presentations. Our teams meet Anne, Joe Zee and guest judge, fashion designer Cynthia Rowley. Anne reminds us of what’s at stake, and now on with the show.

Team 1: First, Anne applauds Danielle’s “ketchup and mustard” get-up and isn’t even being sarcastic. She loves Dani’s yellow shirt with red belt. Their page looks great. Their theme is color, and they do well with telling a story across the page. And Joey Mac beautifully styled the clothes. Anne likes the page and the shopping credits, but she doesn’t enjoy the grey clothes at the bottom of the page. Everything else is colorful and the grey seems out of place.

Team 1

Team 3′s “Pretty and Punk” page, mixes girly with edgy and puts outfits together that have both. Anne loves everything on the page and loves that they chose an exquisitely dressed mother/daughter pair. Joe Zee likes that they mixed two styles because that is what “Elle” is all about. The only problem is that there are no shopping credits. Johanna says they didn’t want to make up fake shopping places. Joe Zee explains that it’s not making up, it’s putting in a place holder. Anne says that they only reason they exist as a magazine is through credits. Readers HAVE to know where to buy the stuff; that’s the whole point.

Team 3

Team 2: Ashlie says that metallics are making a repeat performance so that is their central theme. Hate awkwardly and childishly steps up and picks out the three things that she picked out for the spread – the dress, the shoes and the clutch purse. She says they needed some color on the page. Clearly privy to inside information about Mother/DaughterGate, Anne asks how they chose their pair. Perfume explains that they had to give away their first pick because Johanna’s team wanted the same pair. Anne then says the layout is cluttered and that the trend has run its course. Joe Zee doesn’t like it at all and thinks the page is monotone. He says it looks like a duty-free catalog and like they had the genesis of an idea but went nowhere with it.

Team 2

Tears instantly start pouring down Hate’s face, and here we go again. It’s like an instant replay of Week #1 except it’s not nearly instant enough. Joe asks what she’s thinking, and she says that she hated the concept and that working on it was very difficult for her. Anne asks what Kate would have chosen, and she says that she wanted color on the page. She pulled colors from the closet but couldn’t sell them to her teammates. Anne says she needs to fight for what she believes in instead of caving in. Perfume says that Hate didn’t offer her opinions, she just moped around.

However, Megan is over in the corner, hamming it up and making a face of disbelief. Anne asks why Megan looks like she’s about to explode, and our conniving friend says that she has to back up Hate because she heard her saying over and over again how she didn’t like anything. Well there it is! Didn’t ya think Megan was being just a little too quiet this episode? Apparently Megan is only quiet when she’s plotting.

Hmm…rather suspicious guffaw…

And then while the judges deliberate, Hate actually cries to Megan and tells us that because Megan stood up for her, she’ll never talk badly about her again! Okay, if you didn’t think that Hate was a dumbass before, then you certainly have to now. Everything Megan does is so painfully transparent, and it’s very obvious to everyone — especially Perfume and Ashlie — that Megan is trying to sabotage by making strong contenders look bad. Megan admits to the camera that this is what she’s trying to do, but did we really even have to ask?

Anne, Joe and Cynthia talk about the teams. They are torn between Team 1 and 3 for the winner. They don’t like that Team 1 had grey clothes that didn’t fit in with the rest of the trend, but they don’t like that Team 3 is missing the shopping credits. As far as Team 2, the only things that Anne likes are the things that Hate picked out. Joe says that the expensive dresses look cheap because of the way they are laid out. And he doesn’t like that Perfume didn’t fight for the mother/daughter couple she wanted. However, Hatie’s downfall is that she gets upset but does not communicate it well.

“I can communicate in nine languages!”

Brett enters the workspace. The winner is Team 1. Teams 2 and 3 will have to see Anne. But Team 3 is quickly absolved and sent back to the workspace. Team 2 will be the bottom group for having a messy page and for pushing an old trend.

In the end, the judges decide that it is Perfume who must pack her bags because not only did she not fight for what she wanted, but she also ignored Hate’s instincts. I AM SO ANNOYED! They are obviously just keeping Hate around for good tv, but watching someone whine does not even come close to barely tolerable tv. How can they say that Perfume isn’t editor material for not listening to a moron’s ideas? Stomping around, throwing fits in front of everyone and cursing at your team is not effective behavior and does not even begin to fit the mould of a decent editor. Sigh. I am just absolutely beside myself. I mean, obviously I could see this coming but PLEASE. I would pick a mature editor over a baby any day!

When Kate walks out — safe — everyone gasps. And then Megan fake congratulates her. Johanna says that maybe Hate does have good instincts buried under all the horrible clothes. Perfume emerges from the office and tosses a very curt and purposely phony statement toward Megan: “And good luck to you, Megan. You’re going to do every good in life, I’m sure.” Megan tells us that she can do nothing right because her plan backfired. And Ashlie freaks out upon seeing how random and unfair the game is. The meltdown looks like it will continue next week and even more fingers will start getting pointed at Hate.

So are you all still hanging in there? How did you feel about this episode? Can you tolerate another week of Hate?

love, MandaMo
xoxo