Stylista: Clippity Doo Dah

Every other television series has a “clips” episode, so why shouldn’t Stylista? Well, for one, it was already so painful the first time that re-living certain scenes actually may cause itching, unexplained swelling of the head or neck (including face, lips, tongue or throat), wheezing, difficulty breathing or swallowing, fainting spells or decreased amount of urine produced. And there really isn’t enough “Never Before Seen” footage peppered in to cause me to keep my pulse.

Never Before Seen Footage: Ashlie wears lipstick color “Plasma Pink!” We climb into a very evil, Anne Slowey-narrated time machine and propel back to the beginning of the Stylista era as 11 aspiring trendsetters are given the opportunity of a lifetime! This unique opportunity allows them to perform the once-in-a-lifetime tasks of making coffee for a shrew and buying thank-you gifts for the shrews lush of a friend. But, Anne! That sounds too good to be true! Please tell us more! And so we begin…

Our evil time machine takes us back to week one when the Stylistas all met for the first time in the “Elle” offices. We meet Megan again and hear about her mysterious chunk of money. Seriously, any bets on where this money came from? Did she befriend some poor, former Gay Sidekick, take out a very large life insurance policy and then kick him down the stairs?

If so, then the Grimm Reaper get-up is a dead giveaway.

Oh and then there’s Hate. Back when I used to feel sorry for her. Hate tells us about her zero fashion background, and her boobs are shoved in our face AGAIN. We relive the coffee and breakfast challenge. And we see the NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE of Megan sitting down while everyone stood and getting scolding by Brett. Sitting just isn’t stylish. A stylista must always stand. A stylista must wear an elaborate gown, white makeup and their hair in a front knot and then perform a fan dance at parties.

As if our evil time machine weren’t evil enough, we are made to relive the breakfast challenge. But at least we get a swift reminder of Joey Mac’s early Joey McIntire clothes. He really had “the right stuff,” didn’t he? Lookin’ so “hangin’ tough” and all?

Still going through the Blossom Russo hat phase, I see.

We see our aspiring trendsetters move into their loft, and all their personalities clash with Hate’s boobs. In a NEVER BEFORE SEEN scene, we get to see Hate tell off Gay Sidekick during the first night in the loft. She says that he can talk about her personality and talent, etc. but not about her appearance. She’s not talking about his banana, so private parts should be off limits. GS nods to her face and then laughs when she walks away. He tells everyone that he delights in how worked up she gets, saying he can see her heart beating through her silicone. Zing!

Arnaldo tries to diffuse all the drama by reciting a poem that he wrote. Who is Arnaldo, you ask?

Arnaldo was that snooze of a troll from episode 1.

And now I will type out his poem, verbatim, in all its mediocre glory:
To sing.
To sing inside a song.
To twirl in the melody of love’s fantasy.
If I write you in, envelope myself in this song.
Rescue me.
Hologram.
Out of my dreams.
Drink solid liquids.
Become free.
Be real.
And come.
Rescue me.

Arnaldo tells us that when you have a gift, responsibility comes along with that gift to share it with the people. Oh Arnaldo. I really wouldn’t share that with anyone if I were you. Maybe that should be filed under the category “Keep To Yourself.” But while we’re talking about it, I especially loved the way you inserted the word “hologram” in a willy nilly spot in the middle. It reminded me of the kind of poem that an angsty junior high boy would write for Miley Cyrus because the intense connection he imagines having her is just too much to not express. Oh, and the “drink solid liquids” part just grossed me out. Whenever I think of solids and liquids, the next word I automatically think is “gas.” But we’ve spent entirely too much time on this, so let’s move on, shall we?

The next morning, we get yet another NEVER BEFORE SEEN scene of Joey looking clean shaven and everyone being surprised. They head to H&M to update their looks for the fashion show challenge. Hate whines about not being able to wear her booby clothes and says the clothes make her feel weird. She actually cries because she loves her clothes and loves the way she looks in them. Hate voices her frustration at elimination, but ultimately Arnaldo goes home for playing it too safe. For playing it too safe, and for the crime of really bad poetry.

That night, Hate cries in the bathroom to Perfume. She says that she finally knows what it feels like to hate people. She tries to lecture Megan, but Megan laughs, calls her a victim and walks off. The next day, they dress mannequins in 30 minutes. No one knows any of the fashion terms. Anne keeps pronouncing the word “empire” like “empeer.” Megan wins, so she puts Ashlie on a team with Devin and Hate. Yadda yadda yadda. Y’all remember all this, I’m sure.

Later that night, Hate does impressions of Anne to make everyone laugh. Through a very pert mouth, she says Anne-ism like, “She looks like she’s on crack.” Hate says that she loves doing impressions and felt like it was a bonding moment. But then Hate says that Anne is a lot like her because she’s happy, positive, funny, outgoing and funny. Umm, is this the same Anne that we all know and love? The one with the sourpuss face who tells people that their models look like they’re on crack? Okay, I guess we’ll play along, but you’ve lost me, really.

NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE: Hate makes a face.

Johanna says that Anne’s nice but she’s not happy-go-lucky like Hate. Hate says that she may be all wacky now, but when she grows up, she’ll be more like Anne. Johanna says that Hate is already 22 and still acts like a buffoon. So Hate lashes back, saying that she doesn’t know any 28-year-olds who are as uptight as Johanna. Johanna says that she is uptight, but Hate stated it in a mean tone. The whole confrontation is dumb, and I can see why it didn’t make it to the air in the first place.

Again we see the China Town challenge and Jason’s insane panic attack. We see 911 come again. He makes it back for presentations only to be eliminated. How nice.

In NEVER BEFORE SEEN footage, we learn that Jason leaves letters for some of the Stylistas. We see Danielle and Perfume read their letters from him and cry. They zoom in on Danielle’s letter just long enough to see that Jason’s handwriting is similar to that of a second-grader who is just learning cursive. And we can read a few lines, among my favorite is: “Hmm…are you the hidden gem?” Or something lame like that. He must be stealing from Arnaldo’s Book of Lame, which is just mindless scrawlings across the back of a Lisa Frank folder.

He practically dots all his i’s with tiny hearts.

We again get to see all that Erin Slowey birthday party planning craziness. Every time that little rickets-ridden, mini-adult comes on screen, I can’t help but chuckle. I think that may have been my favorite episode. And not for the challenge, but just because a freaky little girl in geezer clothes presses my funny button every time.

Oh I just love that little Haley Joel Osment!

The next day, they go to Bendel’s to pick out an outfit for Anne’s trip to the Hampton’s. Devin wins the challenge and gets to choose teams. She tries to put all the drama people on the same team. In NEVER BEFORE SEEN footage, that night Gay Sidekick says that if Hate wins, then he’s retiring and going to work at a grocery store.

Aww remember Devin and her little hat! It’s like a huge strawberry stem or something.

But Devin’s plan to put all the drama on the same team backfires as her team loses the editorial challenge, and she and Joey Mac are sent a’packin’. After this challenge, we see Hate isolate herself from the group because everyone always talks about her. She says it’s not funny to make someone feel sick. Ashlie calls her to over and says they didn’t exclude her. Megan calls Hate the victim again and says she’s delusional. Yes, this was NEVER BEFORE SEEN footage, but it’s really not new information.

Their next task is to pick out a gift for Amy Sacco, owner of Bungalow 8. As you recall, Megan and Johanna win for choosing the cashmere throw and are put on rival teams. That night, they’ll be attending a party at the club, so they go to the “Elle” closet to pick out outfits for the party, which is difficult for Danielle because the producers failed to supply the closet with any clothes that might fit a person who is not a size zero. Speaking of clothes, did anyone else notice Megan’s bizarro homemade shirt???

Nothing says “self-centered” like making a shirt for yourself ABOUT yourself.

Back at the loft, they study faces and names for the party. In a NEVER BEFORE SEEN scene, Gay Sidekick and Megan make some joke about Danielle sitting on them. Danielle overhears and explodes. She doesn’t confront the evil butt buddies, but whisper yells to Ashlie, saying that she thinks they were making fun of her because of the way she looks, which is really too easy. It’s like making fun of GS for being gay and making fun of Megan for smelling bad. Wait, Megan smells bad? I bet it’s the zit. It’s probably really just a tiny mouth that opens up from time to time and breathes stale, raunchy, zit breath on everyone.

Megan’s Zit: The unsaid 12th aspiring trendsetter on the season.

They arrive at Bungalow 8 the next night, and Johanna’s team does terribly at identifying the guests. They go back to put together a party page. GS misspells Wainwright. But Johanna’s team mis-IDs a guest and their page is crappy, so they lose. Because all Danielle did was type up the names, she is cut for having a lack of creative input.

And now we have been officially brought up to current day! This week we return to a normal episode with another Stylista sent packing. I bet we lose the Sidekick this week. That’s just my prediction.

love, MandaMo
xoxo