Stylista: Hate Delivers a Verbal Bitchslap

I know, I know, I know. Every week, I watch Stylista and give Hate some crap about being whiney and immature. But this week, oh how the tides have turned. Our pint-sized boobalicious brunette stuck around just long enough to not only gain my respect but make me her fan.

Throwing everyone under the bus in style.We kick off this week’s episode in the shockingly cluttered kitchen at Camp Stylista. If they are all as talented as they say they are, then why can’t any of them manage to run a sweeper? Let me present a photo, so you know what I’m talking about.

What is going on behind Johanna’s left arm? A Wonderbread convention?

I don’t know why their kitchen grossed me out so much, but it really just did. All that bread is like roach bait. But perhaps it’s piled up to hide more unsightly stains.

Anywho! Johanna tells us that she was surprised to be in the bottom two during the last elimination and really thought that — guess who? — Hate should have gone home. So she asks Hate if she just wants to win to win or if she really cares at all about the job. Hate sassily says that she loves the job but doesn’t know if it’s her dream job because she’s still learning the biz. Tersely through tense jaw, Johanna brings up Hate’s clothes again, saying that she would have to dress like Anne if hired. Hate replies that she will never dress the way the “Elle” girls dress because it’s all about the brain and not the clothes. At this point, it’s pretty obvious that it’s finally sinking through Johanna’s toupee helmet and into her skull that Hate could possibly still this game from them all. And those big boobs will be laughing all the way to the bank!

Meanwhile, in the dark underbelly of the city, the evil lord plots.

That night at their nightly roundtable Hatie Hate Fest, Hate asks why they see her as a threat if she has no talent. Ashlie explains that although she doesn’t know anything about fashion, she knows how to play games and knows quite a bit about trickery. Games? Trickery? Pint-size? It’s all adding up — Hatie must be The Leprechaun! The Gay Sidekick interrupts saying that he doesn’t want to talk about fashion anymore. Then he tells us that he hopes Ashlie goes home before Hate because they need someone to make fun of. He adds that he can no longer afford to be on the sidelines and must put himself into a leadership position. And so his evil plight begins…

The next day, our wannabe trendsetters report to the “Elle” offices. Brett says that supermodel Maggie Reiser will be in town, so their assistant task is to prepare a hotel suite for her. Brett explains that big celebrities always have a contract rider, which is a list of items they like to have at home. Has anyone ever noticed that Brett reads at a fifth-grade level? She’s so hard to watch sometimes when explaining these assistant tasks because she’s so rigid with no flow. Does she not receive a script beforehand for practice? Anyway, Brett has a copy of Maggie’s contract rider. Each stylista will have an identical suite and a $300 budget. They’ll have two hours to prepare the rooms. Megan moans and rolls her eyes at the camera. Um, yeah, I’m with her. Why is anyone even competing for this job? Who wants to be a professional bitch? And in Megan’s case, I would think that owning a boutique would be better. But I’m sure Megan’s just in this whole debacle for the tv face time.

Too bad that her face time keeps looking like THIS.

Some examples of the things on Maggie’s list are cleaner for the sink, picture frames for her dog, scented candles, pressed flowers, chocolates next to the bed, and a comfortable puppy nook. I promise you that all those are real. I made none of them up. Not even the picture frames for her dog, who I guess loves to make collages in his spare time.

Red-rover style, Hate literally skips down the street to Balducci’s. When she walks in she screeches, “Hiii, I nEeD soMe hELp WiTh chEEEEEEEse.” In Megan’s sulky style, she asks a clerk if she feels for her, and, blinking, the clerk gives a confused look and a sheepish smile.

“Does my awesome 80s side ponytail LOOK like it cares?”

Hate startles Johanna with her shrill voice and then does the unspeakable by cutting in the cheese line — the horror! Johanna says that it’s hard to focus with Hatie there. Gay Sidekick says that his shopping strategy is quality over quantity, so he opts for just a couple nice things instead of going for the whole shebang like Hate who gets everything on the list.

They all shuffle to the hotel and start arranging their rooms. Hate says that she’s trying to prove a point that having a natural talent doesn’t mean that you have to be perfectly trained in everything. Time is up and sour-puss Anne arrives with sourer-puss Maggie. You’re skinny and rich and have dogs who love you! Why can’t you smile, Miss Model? Well maybe it’s because she’s been hungry since the 90s.

They visit Johanna’s room first. Maggie is immediately grossed out because Johanna washed the sink with orange-scented cleaner, and I guess it smells bad. Next, Johanna doesn’t know if the peanuts are organic, and Maggie’s dog actually EATS the lasagna that she set out. Johanna has little dogs, so she didn’t expect two dogs being able to reach that high. She literally wrings her hands in anguish. But doesn’t this whole lasagna event speak more to the dog’s manners and Maggie’s training skills than Johanna’s judgement? Just wondering!

Johanna’s weird toupee hair is aghast!

Next up is Ashlie, and the lasagna is eaten almost instantly yet again! Anne remarks that the dog must like the lasagna. Really? Ya think?! Maggie is displeased that chocolate is low enough for the dogs to reach and also that there are no matches in the room to light the candles. Why does this dog like lasagna so much? Is that normal? My guess is that he is the reincarnation of Chef Boyardee. Just a hunch!

“Me’sa wantsa spicey meatsa ball!”

Megan is up next and doesn’t seem to make much of an effort to be pleasant. Her lasagna is on a low table but is not eaten. However, she made the egregious error of not getting lavender soap OR scrubbing down the bathroom sink. I actually find it somewhat amusing that Megan refuses to work hard at these dumb tasks. I guess it’s kinda snobby, but I also understand.

Things are going well in Hate’s room – she even made a picture frame for the dogs – until a dog piddles on the floor. Anne remarks that she has her own Jackson Pollock on the floor, which might have been a clever enough remark to make me chuckle had they not put it in every commercial for this show for the past two weeks. So instead of chuckling at the bad joke, I remain scarred by Hate’s grade school art project of a picture frame.

“I also made you a matching popsicle stick jewelry box and macaroni necklace!”

Gay Sidekick’s room is met with pleasure because it smells like lavender. They like that he left food wrapped, so that the dog couldn’t get to it. They also like that the remote control is on the bed and surrounded by flowers. But he is missing pictures of the dogs among other things. Wait, wait. Did I say “the remote control is on the bed surrounded by flowers???”

Yeah, I did. Why? What’s wrong with that? Totally normal.

Up to the rooftop for feedback. Maggie likes that Hate went out of her way to get special things for the dogs. Megan didn’t clean the bathroom. GS didn’t have picture frames. Johanna’s lasagna was eaten. Ashlie left chocolates out, which is completely unsafe. It’s practically like leaving an oven door open for Silvia Plath — just asking for death! The winner is still Gay Sidekick. He kept the food wrapped and actually thought about the items on the list. Hate is devastated because she wanted to pick the teams.

The night they meet Joe Zee for the layout challenge. They’ll be styling a model for a photoshoot to create a four-page fashion layout. Here are the guidelines: (1) They’ll have access to everything in the “Elle” closet and will be responsible for using clothes and accessories to tell a story. (2) They’ll be styling hair and makeup, so it should complement the theme. (3) And they’ll work with the photographer and model to get the perfect shot.

Oh, and in case you’ve never seen this show before and couldn’t guess the teams for yourself, they are: Team 1=Hate and Ashlie. And Team 2=The Evil Triumvirant of Megan, GaySidekick and Johanna, who I guess isn’t technically evil, but pals around with the snakes. Perhaps this is where we can insert a lovely proverb about only being as good as the company you keep, mmkay Johanna?

They’ll spend the rest of the night pulling clothes for the shoot. Hate and Ashlie rifle through the clothes and decide to use color paired with black for their theme. And they actually seem like they are getting along, which is nice to see. GaySidekick’s team decides to do florescents and neons because they are very in this season. Especially if you take the words “this season” and replace them with “1984.”

Okay this is where my hatred for the GaySidekick reaches all new heights. He actually approaches Hate with a tiny pair of demin shorts and asks if she likes them. She knows that he’s just going to berate her no matter what she says, so she refuses to answer. He declares that she must like them because they are trashy. Then he runs off and laughs. He says that he wants to play dirty because it’s a competition. Someone needs to explain to him that competitive and classless assyness are NOT the same thing.

And you just KNOW that he wishes he could pair these with construction boots and a flannel shirt to complete his perfect “Village People” outfit.

But not to worry because Hate gets awesome passive-aggressive revenge by hoarding all the swimsuits, so that GS’s team can’t use ANY of them. Love it!

The next day, they all report to the photoshoot and meet their model, Leigh. GaySidekick is up first and puts her in hair and makeup. As a freelance stylist’s assistant, he thinks he knows what looks good on a woman. Megan notices that GS is all take charge and she doesn’t like it.

Watch out, Queen Bee! Your little sidekick is about to stage a coup d’etat!

Then I swear GaySidekick says something about how he has to “deleCate it out.” Um, the word, my friend, is DELEGATE. Please consult your wiki next time. The clothes his team chose for the model are kinda blah. Ashlie says that they take color to a whole new boring level, and I think she might be right. Yes the clothes are colorful, but that doesn’t make up for them being just plain ugly. And they never bother to touch up the hair and makeup throughout the shoot.

Now Hat and Ashlie’s shoot is just the opposite. Ashlie makes the girl look like Madonna, and their black and color theme looks great. They take risks by tying up their model to make her a “prisoner of fashion” and by tossing water on her while she’s in the swimsuit. The other team starts out by laughing at Hate and Ashlie, but by the end of the day, they are silent and scared. The other team laughs at them the whole time, but their shoot looks great. Even Megan says that’s she’s impressed because they are doing a great job. Whoa, I can’t believe that Megan actually said something nice. Now I expect for the Earth to spin out of orbit and fly into the blazing, hot sun.

The teams head back to “Elle” and have 90 minutes to get the layout together. Because Hate and Ashlie had five outfits, they have a lot of pictures to sort through and they like so many of them that it’s hard to just choose a few. So to solve that problem, they try to use a lot of pictures in their layout.

Johanna starts taking a leadership role with the layout and instructs her team to only use three pictures. GS continues to be an asshole and tries to approach Ashlie and Hate to spy on them, but Ashlie tells him to scram. Unfortunately, his bitchassness only escalates from there. He can’t remember the name of the hair stylist at the shoot, so he asks Hate. When she tells him that she won’t give up the info, he actually calls her chlamydia. Like, really, people. He calls her chlamydia. I’m starting to wonder if he has some brain problem that requires a diagnosis because he is getting lower by the second.

Hate says that she would never help him after all the stuff he said to her. GS admits that he acted out of anger and shouldn’t have said it. Hate does her best ignore it while they’re working but as soon as they’re done, she cries and calls him out for being verbally abusive. Then she storms toward the elevator.

Ashlie follows Hate in her high-waisted, flat-butted Mom jeans.

Ashlie gives Hate a pep talk, telling her not to let any dumb man take her opportunity from her.

That night at the apartment, Ashlie talks to GaySidekick. He says that he doesn’t like Hate but he doesn’t bring that to work. Um. Whaaa? He doesn’t bring that to work? Where does he think he was when he trotted out the short-shorts and the name calling? Did his brain fall out or something? I hear that chlamydia can cause dementia. Perhaps he has it. Johanna says that he’s immature and degrading and has crossed the line. Ashlie says that because Hate has been battered throughout the whole competition but still is herself and wants to win, it’s amazing. GS tells her to shut up. It’s so obnoxious that I can barely watch anymore. Oh but I do.

The next day at presentation, the guest judge is Neil Hamil, director of Elite Model Management, one of the top modeling agencies in the world.

Whoa boy! Those eyebrows could be used as weapons.

Team 1 is up first. Ashlie explains that they drew inspiration from the 1980s. Classic black pieces with colorful, 80s-inspired clothes. Their layout shows a woman breaking free and becoming playful. Hate says that they had fun with it and thought outside the box. Joe Zee likes that they took a chance. Anne enjoys the concept and loves the hair and makeup. She does not like the multi-pictures. The story doesn’t have room to breathe. And Neil wouldn’t have put the model in a swimsuit.

Team 1

For Team 2, Johanna explains that their theme is “Light Bright.” Then she spews off a bunch of electrician words like plug and amp. Joe Zee likes the white space in the layout, but he thinks they play it safe with the shots. Anne says it’s professionally done, but there’s not enough energy and movement.

Team 2

Hate starts to murmur, causing Anne to ask what’s going on. She says that if the whole shoot was about styling, then the other team didn’t do the work. They didn’t consult with their hair and makeup people during the shoot. And just because they liked the layout, it wasn’t styled well. Johanna and Megan say that they’re offended. Anne looks at Ashlie, but she just mutters some stuff about wanting to stay professional. Hate says that she is tired of being professional if that means she can’t say what really happened.

Well Evil Team 2 wins, and I’m starting to doubt that God really exists. Because how could a loving God be so cruel? Ashlie and Hate have to see Anne in the conference room. Anne tells them that the concept was dynamic and the styling was right on. But they didn’t edit it down to make a cohesive story. Hate has good instincts and an ability to speak her mind. But her outburst was petty and unprofessional. Ashlie has a strong fashion voice, but needs to show better judgment as an editor. And Hate finally gets the boot. But wait, wait! It’s not over! In fact, we are just now getting to the good part.

Anne says that she’s sorry. Hate says, no, not to be sorry. She hates all those people and if they are going to work for “Elle,” then she’s making a big mistake. She goes on to state that GaySidekick is abusive, Megan is wicked and Johanna is so insecure that the business won’t be able to handle her. So Ashlie should win. Bye! Thank you! The camera keeps showing Anne, but it’s hard to tell if she’s taking it all seriously or not. Oh if only Anne could have a testimonial! I would love that.

Everyone hugs Ashlie and kinda ignores Hate as she packs up her desk. She says she’s glad she stuck it out but is also glad to get away from GS and Megan. And so ends an era.

Next time, the final four will produce their own runway show. Ashlie hoards shoes. And the showdown almost ends in disaster. Eek!

So what are your thoughts on this one, guys? Are you pulling for Ashlie too?

love, MandaMo
xoxo