Stylista: STYLISTA DOWN! STYLISTA DOWN!

The Presidential election made history last night. And as we reflect back on American history and realize how far we’ve come as a country, Stylista is talking about something equally as important: poop.

Maybe a large dose of that will help flush the stick out of Megan’s butt.So here we are again. Back in New York with our Stylistas! Are you still all hanging in there for week number two? Now that we’ve established all the characters and plot devices, this week’s pill should be much easier to swallow. I have high hopes that this show will fall into the “guilty pleasure” category instead of the “I want to shoot myself in the head when I watch these people” land.

Or maybe Megan will just do us all a favor. God help us!

The pain of losing a friend they’d known for exactly one day still runs fresh for our team of young trendsetters. Ashlie is particularly sad because she doesn’t believe Arnaldo should have gone home. He demonstrated enough talent in that 15 second challenge to stay for a lifetime. She says that they can’t even enjoy winning because he’s gone. Oh Arnaldo! Wherefore art thou puffy-headed boring snooze of a friend? We knew ye for but a day and yet you put footprints in our hearts that shall last a life time. (Please note the sarcasm.)

And what on earth is with Megan? Her face has drained into a giant tear/snot mess. She doesn’t think that Arnaldo should have gone because their page layout was so wonderful. Yeah, but they didn’t follow directions because of YOU, loser. I would almost believe that Megan was being genuine except that she continues to mug for the cameras and even seems to be hiding a smile behind her witchy little hands.

Next time you fake being sad, remember not to smile. Thanks.

Megan believes that Big Boobs Magee Kate should have been sent home because she “sold out her group.” And if you think that Megan is going to keep these opinions to herself, then you obviously didn’t watch last week. She literally leaps out of her chair and wags a finger at Kate, telling her that she doesn’t deserve to be there. It’s totally pathetic and a play for attention. Besides, it was Megan who led her team to failure. Most likely, she’s trying to distract away from her own failures by pointing a finger in another direction. It is SO ridonkle that I’m speechless. I am without speech.

Kate tells us that she didn’t sell anyone out because she was just telling the truth. Gay Sidekick continues to seek Megan’s approval by saying something dumb to Kate about how it’s just going to be her and her white shoes against the rest of the house. Whatever, G.S. No one cares.

Back at the house, the gang talks about Kate and decides that when she sold out her team, she was in a selfish frame of mind. You know, I really don’t think she sold anyone out. Yes, she’s a whiner and a crybaby. But she never pretended to like the clothes only to hate them once in front of the judges. What she said to the judges was exactly what she’d been telling her team all day. Am I missing something here? Are the contestants on this show really adults? I feel like I’m eavesdropping on a cafeteria at a junior high.

Our contestants collectively decide to have a house meeting instead of talking about Kate behind her back, so Perfume goes to find her and discovers that she’s crying on the bathroom floor. Meanwhile, what is up with Perfume’s tarantula eyes?

A tube of mascara is supposed to last through 30 applications. But that is over time. Not all in one day, Perf.

Perfume tells Kate that no one wanted her to go home. In fact, they all wanted Megan to go because she’s a crazy biznat. Kate tells us that for the first time in her life, she’s learned what it feels like to hate other people, and she doesn’t like how it feels. Personally, I think girl’s missed out. Hate is an amaaaaaazing emotion! She should have befriended it long ago. Hate drives you to do awesome things like vaselline someone’s car or put Ex-Lax in their brownies. Or make a tiny doll out of their hair and burn it in effigy.

So sad. It must be hard being stupid.

Kate goes to join the house meeting and first wants to address Megan. She tells Megan that she makes people feel low on purpose, and she doesn’t like that. Megan gets up to leave and calls Kate a victim. AND Megan tells Kate that she has weak character for letting her get to her so much. Wow that’s like wife beater mentality. “When I beat you that is your weakness for letting it bother you! You make me beat you!” Please. We’ve ALL sat through that female empowerment workshop in college, sister. Then Megan tells us that she’s eliminated Kate in her mind, which I guess is the “Stylista” way of saying “You are dead to me.” Ashlie tells us that she doesn’t trust Megan and her evil intentions, and a glimmer of light sparks in my brain with hopes that Ashlie is going to be our hero in this batter of good vs. evil.

The next day our girl Danielle asks Jason how he felt about the meeting the night before. He says that you can’t make people like each other, so he just wants to ignore it. This is his dream job, so he needs to focus on that instead of drama. Then he says that he never wants to go up for elimination. If reality tv foreshadowing has taught us anything, it’s that Jason is about to cause a HUGE amount of drama and then be up for elimination.

p.s. Producers, don’t think that we don’t notice how you always show Dani when she’s eating!

Back at “Elle,” there is a mannequin and Fashion Dictionary waiting at the desks of each Stylista. Brett shows up to give the scoop. Last week they learned about personal style, but now it’s time to learn about Elle style. Off to the magical Elle closet! The closet is full of clothes, shoes, bags and accessories for last-minute styling needs. But if you dig deeper…if you push back behind the clothes and the coats and the glamour, you’ll find a whole snowy world with talking lions and centaurs! It will seem magical at first, but then you’ll get caught up in the middle of a deadly war, which we are probably too lazy to help with.

It just so happens that Anne is in a meeting and needs a list of specific items pulled for a fashion shoot. For the assistant task, each trendsetter will need to pull those items and style their mannequins in the bull pin. The assistant who styles their mannequin with the most correct items and puts together the best outfit in 30 minutes will win.

The List:
- Knit
- Woven
- Pin tucking
- Empeeeeer waist
- Set-in sleeve
- Dart
- Funnel collar

All right, gang. Giddy up!

Some people start pulling clothes; others try to consult the dictionary first. No one really knows what they are doing except for Ashlie and Megan in their fight for good vs. evil. Not only do our contestants not seem to know the terms, but they don’t know how to get the clothes onto the mannequins. There are arms, legs and mannequin parts everywhere.

I bet this mannequin massacre scene strikes fear into the hearts of Kim Catrall and Andrew McCarthy.

The boobs of the girl on the “Elle” wall part and frumpy Anne Slowey enters with an ugly frown. Also, she looks like she’s wearing Henry VIII’s couch upholstery as a dress. And what’s with her muffin top? Is she pregnant? Goodness, I hope she’s pregnant. Otherwise, she’s wearing the most horribly unflattering dress. She makes a beeline for Perfume who seems to pass the test. But Devin and Danielle fail. And Jason doubly fails. He says that the exchange was stressful as hell, and he felt like he was going to have a panic attack. DUM DUM DUM! The foreshadowing fairy waves it’s ugly wand.

Whereas the butt is classically located on the back of the body, Anne Slowey seeks to be fashion forward by wearing it in the front.

Somber Toupee girl Johanna does okay, but her model is missing its arms. And Gay Sidekick asks what pin tucking is. Ashlie tells us again that because her mom was a model, she knows what she’s doing. And she does pass the test. But tragically, Megan also passes. Yuck.

Next is Joey McIntire who unsurprisingly fails and finally Kate who has put together an absolute mess. Not only does her mannequin look as though it’s dressed in a cloth woven from puke, but it’s also leaning. Anne asks if her model is drunk. Kate says it’s drunk and dancing. Anne actually pushes the model over, saying it belongs in the gutter. And Kate amazingly doesn’t seem to notice that this is an insult.

My, that mannequin really needs its V-8!

And now for the winner: Megan. She will get to pick the teams for the next challenge. They will be going to Chinatown to find a hidden gem to be featured in the Living Section of Elle, which is dedicated to décor, travel, lifestyle and the culinary arts. Upon hearing the word China, Johanna lights up because she is a Chinese linguist. And here I thought that skill would never come in handy in the fashion world! To be worthy of this section, the gem must meet three criteria: (1) It must be a unique and hidden gem. (2) The Elle reader must be able to apply it to her lifestyle. (3) There must be an interesting story behind it.

Awesome. I’ve always wanted a crusty red mullet. Or at least a boyfriend with one.

Now time for Megan to choose the teams. Because Ashlie put her with the losing team last week, she’s decided to make her pay. Team 1: Kate, Devin and Ashlie. Team 2: Joey Mac, Perfume and Danielle. And Team 3: Megan, Jason, Gay Sidekick and Johanna. Jason tells us that he doesn’t understand why Megan chooses him. Well, she’s looking for a scapegoat, Jason. It’s really pretty simple. And Kate tells us that she put Ashlie with the “idiots” because she is threatened by her. At least Kate is introspective enough to realize that she’s an idiot, I guess.

That night, Megan tells Jason that she is threatened by Ashlie because they are similar. And she designed the teams to ensure that Ashlie will be sent home. This may have been a smart plan were it not so blatantly transparent. If even dumbass Kate can see through all that plotting, then it’s largely visible to the greater public.

“Now back to drinking the innocence of children and purity of unicorns!”

The next day, the teams are wandering around Chinatown with their guides. Team 2 finds a bridal shop and ventures inside. A very ENTHUSIASTIC Joey Mac sits the owner down and interviews him. It turns out that they don’t just make the bridal gowns at the store; they plan the entire wedding. Riveting.

Team 3 ventures into an herbal store and uses Johanna’s language skills to communicate with the workers. Johanna speaks to the shopkeeper in Chinese and he speaks back in English. Jason tries to ask how this shop is going to fit into a “lifestyles” section, but they shush him and then tell us that he doesn’t fit in. Jason then tells us that he’s nervous because no one is listening to him.

Team 1 first goes into a bubble tea store but it doesn’t seem to work well. Kate wants to leave in order to find a better gem, but Devin wants to finish her interview before ruling it out. Kate doesn’t understand that they can do a little research and then move on before making split second judgments, so she throws a fit like a three-year old. She keeps whining about how it’s not a hidden gem, and how she wants to leave NOW! They finally leave and find a really nice spa. They decide to feature this and begin their interviews.

The groups return to “Elle” with 90 minutes to put together an editorial page. Kate continues to be an impatient baby, which is totally counterproductive. And she and Devin bicker about really dumb things such as the following: “What do you want your title?” Kate says. “It’s OUR title!” Devin shoots back. Ashlie continues to play referee and papercut herself to death with magazine pages.

Can you imagine if your editor acted like this!?!?

Jason starts to get nervous because no one likes his pictures, and they are starting to gang up on him. He’s realizing that if they are in the bottom, he’s going to get the axe. He gets so nervous that he starts itching and realizes that he has red bumps all over his arms and neck.

That night, he calls Danielle, Ashlie and Perfume into his room to tell them about his rash. He says that he feels nauseated and isn’t sure if he’s physically able to handle elimination. He gets choked up and says he’s embarrassed. Ashlie says that he really does need to go to elimination because if he doesn’t, his teammates will not stand up for him.

Jason goes to bed early and the rest of the group sits around the table. Kate calls Megan out on her evil plan to bury Ashlie. But Megan plays dumb and claims to have no strategy. Kate then has the audacity to ask Ashlie why she’s mean to her. Ashlie says that she’s mean and rude to her because she’s mean and rude to everyone else. If she dishes out, then she needs to take it. Megan tells us that she has no idea why Ashlie thinks she’s a bad person. Megan then calls Ashlie a diva, to which Ashlie replies, “Honey, you ain’t seen nothing.” This further confirms that she is a diva in Megan’s mind.

Be careful: Ashlie’s hat has been angered.

The next day at “Elle,” it’s two hours until presentation. Jason continues to get more nervous. He goes into the bathroom to itch and cry. Ashlie finds him and he can barely breathe and is gasping for air. She brings him from the bathroom into the office space and tries to give him water. He’s shaking so badly that she lies him on the floor and asks that someone calls 911. Meanwhile, he continues to mutter about wanting to stay and talk about his project. Ashlie tells him that if he wants to do that, then he needs to breathe.

I am a little freaked out by Jason being so freaked out. I mean, it’s not like anyone died. He is on a freakin’ reality show in The CW!!! An ambulance arrives outside and medics clear everyone away from Jason. They give him oxygen, and then wheel him away in a tiny chair.

I’ve done something dumb enough to be taken away in an ambulance, and I never got a tiny chair! So totally not fair!

Now it’s one hour until presentation. Ashlie says that Jason got even more upset when he had to go to the hospital because he wanted to stay and talk to Anne. Ashlie tries to talk to Jason’s team about his being in the bottom two. Suddenly pious, Megan says to not talk about that because “it’s the least important thing.” Ashlie interjects that they should just not screw him and is just trying to ensure that he won’t be thrown under the bus.

Johanna gets confused, thinking that Ashlie is talking about her, so Ashlie hugs her and tells her that it’s about Megan. Then Ashlie tells Megan that it’s not “The Megan Show.” Megan jaunts away and says, “No, it’s not ‘The Megan Show,’ it’s ‘The Ashlie Show.’ Woo hoo! Fab-OO-Lussss!” And she does a little snappy thing in the air. Someone, please! Get this girl anti-psychotic drugs, stat!

Kate says they should make Jason a card. But then Brett enters, saying that Jason is fine. He had an anxiety attack but he’ll make it back by the elimination. Magically, he returns, saying that no matter how sick you are, you have to complete the job.

Time for panel.

Our guest judge is Joanne Pailey, “Elle” senior fashion marketing editor and resident snow queen.

Team 2 is up first with their Wedding Studio layout. Perfume is the spokesperson and talks about the owner’s inspirational personal story. Anne likes the page but does not like the opening picture because it looks like bridal shop for gay men. But they do like that they silhouetted product and have a focused page.

Team 2

Team 1 is next with their spa page with Ashlie as spokesperson. They also have a sidebar with on-the-go side-stops. Anne likes the idea but says the design fails the piece. The page looks like they are talking about three different thing. And the sidebar takes over.

Team 1

Team 3 talks about their boutique with Johanna as the spokesperson. Joe Zee doesn’t like that he can’t tell that the page is about tea. Anne says the photos don’t lure her in. Jason says that Megan led the group and made him do photography. But the pictures are all the same size and do not capture the reader. Gay Sidekick messed up because when doing the page layout, he messed up the captions for the pictures. And he didn’t even notice it until right now.

Team 3

Time for deliberation. Anne, Joanne and Joe go into her office to reiterate everything they just said. It’s pretty obvious that Team 2 is going to win, which is cool with me because Danielle and Joey Mac are adorable.

Brett goes into the bull pin and congratulates Team 2 for their win. Teams 1 and 3 must report back to Anne. Anne tells Team 1 that the idea was good but the layout was confusing. But Team 3 is in the bottom because the photography was repetitive and they lacked accuracy.

All of them performed dismally, but Johanna and Megan are safe and can leave. So now the question is Style vs. Accuracy. And poor Jason is gone because he lacks knowledge in what makes a layout work. When he leaves, he gets a round of applause. He says his goodbyes and sniffles onto the elevator.

Next week, our Stylistas have to impress Anne’s frosty niece. Kate throws a tantrum and Johanna falls off a table.

So what did you all think? Did you think that Jason deserved to go home? I probably would have sent the Gay Sidekick!

See ya tonight!
love, MandaMo
xoxo