Stylista: You Just Don’t Fit In (the Clothes)

Well if anyone’s been wondering when Stylista would finally address the fact that Danielle looks a little different than everyone else, then we have gotten there. In other news, everyone else on the show is still annoying.

Oh, and Megan still has a RAGING pimple! You’d think she would have spackled on some DermaBlend by now.We return to where we left off last week after Joey Mac and Devin’s eliminations, and Megan is complaining about how Hate threw her under the bus during presentations. Normally Hate does enjoy throwing people under the bus, yes. But this time Megan can only blame herself because instead of participating with her team, she sulked off to a corner like a pouty turd.

The gang goes back to the house and does their usual late-night round table where they talk crap about Hatie and agree that they cannot deal with her anymore. Johanna says that she can’t get involved with the drama because she quit a really high-paying job as a…what? Oh yeah, Chinese linguist. I almost forgot. I hadn’t been reminded for almost five minutes. She needs to rise above the drama to get further in the competition. Her weird toupee hair nods in agreement.

Danielle talks to her mom on the phone and says she can’t believe that she made it into the top six. And she hopes she wins the competition because it would completely change her life. Well if this isn’t a red flag, then I don’t know what is. If we’ve learned anything from previous weeks, it’s that the person who talks a lot about wanting to win that episode ends up in a pot of hot water.

I think the best way to win a reality show is to never talk about wanting to win. And especially never use the term “life changing.”

The next day, our remaining contestants meet Malina at the “Elle” offices for the next assistant task. Anne will be going to cocktail party at Bungalow 8, which is one of New York’s top spots. Bungalow 8, she tells us, is where all the fashion icons flock. Their task is to purchase a thank you gift to give to the club’s owner, Amy Sacco. She is a member of “New York Royalty,” with nightclubs around the world. They will be working in teams of two and can divide themselves up however they’d like.

She looks like a drunk on the go. Perhaps a flask would be a nice gift.

But let’s pause.

WHAT is the challenge? They are buying a THANK YOU GIFT for Anne’s friend? Okay the first week they made Anne’s coffee and now they are running her personal errands. WHY are they competing for this job again? If my boss asked me to do something like this for her, then I’d tell her to shove it. And then I’d quit. Well first I’d wait for the economy to get better. But then I’d quit. And I’d eat a big pastry every day to mask my pain. This job SUCKS.

So let’s talk about how everyone paired up. Danielle went straight for Ashlie. Ashlie is happy to be with her but is surprised that she made it this far. Megan is with Johanna. Megan says that they chose each other because they have similar tastes. And poor Gay Sidekick is stuck with Hate. Each team has a budget of $250 and an hour to get back to present their gift to Anne.

Johanna’s hair points to Megan. Megan is the chosen one.

Because Johanna and Megan think they have the most “Elle” qualities, they get a poop brown cashmere travel throw. The kind of thing that you’d see in a plastic bag on an airplane for one-time use. “Delta Pashmina,” if you will.

Ashlie and Danielle put together a “travel survival kit.” Basically they just throw a bunch of cheap crap into a bag. Like sleep-ease, notebooks, foot crème. and other party favors. Oh and something that is actually called “No Cooties!” I guess I didn’t realize that you needed some sort of liquid spray to fight cooties. I thought you could just ask a girl on the playground to give you a cootie shot and you were set for life.

GS and Hate are in a jewelry store and not agreeing on anything. Hate picks something out, asks GS if he likes it. When he tries to state his opinion, she interrupts him. Finally they chose a vintage Chanel pin.

Megan and Johanna present their cashmere to Anne first. Anne asks what “ply” it is. I thought “ply” was only used when talking about toilet paper. But anyway, it’s not the thickest or softest cashmere, so Anne makes her “I just sucked a lemon” face and sends them on their way.

GS and Hate present next. Anne first seems skeptical that the broach is even real Chanel, but that thought is interrupted when Hate opens her big mouth and says that Anne will love it because she has a passion for art. Anne inquires why it would appease an art lover. Hate stammers and has no idea how the piece is connected to art.

And why is Hate’s hair so greasy? Did she take a bath in a deep-fat fryer?

Danielle and Ashlie bring in their God-awful, tacky survival kit. And they make sure to point out the fresh wipes because “cleanliness is key” and the “No Cootie” spray. Classy. Anne appears to be both perplexed and disgusted. It’s hard to believe that $250 of crap is in that bag.

Even the TAG wants Anne to know that this isn’t her bag!

In the end, Megan and Johanna win. The throw is tasteful but she wishes it had a bigger gauge. Megan assumes that they will be choosing the teams. For the next challenge, they will accompany Anne to the party at Bungalow 8 and will help her meet, greet and identify all the guests. Then they will work to create a party page for the Fashion Insider part of the magazine.

Anne says that these are the three keys to a successful page: (1) Pick exciting photos that will engage the reader and make them feel like they have access to the party. (2) Highlight the fashion at the party. (3) Tie the page together with a unifying trend or concept. Also please note: A mistake is identifying or spelling the name of one of the party guests may signal the end of their career.

Malina brings out a book of all of Anne’s party guests. They must be able to identify all the guests by the next night. Now for the twist: Johanna and Megan are rival team captains and will be automatically on separate teams. They will choose who they want to be with them on two teams of three. Megan and Johanna are so annoyed that they will be split up that the wish they’d lost the challenge.

Johanna picks first and she actually chooses HATE. She says that she chose her because her memory is incredible and she remembers things that Johanna wore five weeks ago that she doesn’t even remember. Have they really been there five whole weeks? Hate is not surprised that she was picked first because she LOVES PARTIES. Tee hee hee! I mean, just LOVES them! Megan chooses the Gay Sidekick first. Johanna picks Danielle, and Ashlie is picked last for Megan’s team. Ashlie is glad because she’s finally not with Hate.

But now here comes the drama…Because they are supposed to look good at the party in front of all the A-listers, they may each borrow something from the “Elle” closet. Danielle’s jaw drops. Everyone is ecstatic but her. She hates getting dressed in front of people. They all begin ravaging the closet. But Danielle sits down by herself. Johanna checks on her, but Danielle gets up and walks away crying. She tells us that she was petrified that nothing in the closet would fit her, and she sneaks out a mysterious metal door.

Feeling blue, Danielle locks herself into the storage fridge.

Johanna follows her, but she doesn’t want to come out. Johanna tells us that it’s embarrassing to be a larger size in fashion because 85% of the clothes aren’t available to you. Danielle cleans up, marches back to the closet and begins searching for clothes. To be sensitive, Johanna complains about how all the clothes are too sizes too big for her frame. Danielle is obviously frustrated and doesn’t want anyone’s help. She finds two dresses but one is “ugly” and the other is “stupid.” Hate storms off saying that she wants to gain fat for Christmas so that she fits into something. How nice! Also, you would think that the producers would have been nice enough to make sure that there were plenty of clothes to fit Danielle in that closet. But because producers are evil and love manufacturing drama, they obviously sold her out.

Well that’s over, and Hate starts making copies of the guest book for memorization. Johanna approaches her and asks if she can have input on what she wears to the party. Basically trying to avoid embarrassment by having a team member who looks like a cheap tramp. She says she doesn’t want a booty parade. Hate says it won’t be that 100% but she doesn’t feel the need to have her whole body covered. Ashlie laughs in the background because she doesn’t have to deal with Hate this time.

That night, they go back to the house and eat pizza. Danielle awkwardly tells everyone that she may not look it, but she really can’t eat a lot of food. GS says that everyone tiptoes around the subject of Danielle’s weight, but it’s always been THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Oh no he di’n't! That pun is totally in poor taste. And I feel bad because the cameramen take all these horrible photos of Danielle surrounded by pizzas. And why do they have so many boxes? There is literally one large pizza per person.

Seriously, cameramen. We get it.

Now time to memorize the dossier. It’s a mix of athletes, fashion designers and socialites. Johanna really wants to win to impress Anne, so she wants to remember every single detail. She makes flashcards to help her memorize. Gay Sidekick, Megan and Ashlie split up the names, so they only have to study 30 instead of 85, which is actually a brilliant idea. Hate says she can’t memorize anything and just wants to eat popcorn, so she doesn’t even bother trying. See, y’all, this is why I think she’s a brat. But I guess her poor little, teeny tiny brain cell just can’t seem to pack in all that crazy information.

That night, Danielle asks what Ashlie and Johanna think of her when they see her because they are so healthy. I start to tense up. This makes me uncomfortable. Johanna says that clothes usually look better on people with a certain proportion. Eeek, I am very uncomfortable. Danielle argues that she’s healthy and not disgusting. Ashlie says that the industry is very superficial, so if she wants to be in it, then she’s got to play the game. Danielle says THEY just wanted her to go into the closet, so that she’d hate herself, but they all hate themselves more than her. This statement piques my curiosity. Who is she referring to when she says “they?” The “Elle” team? OR THE PRODUCERS?! Oh those tricky producers. They don’t even try to be incognito anymore.

Again. We get it.

Johanna says that in fashion, size dictates what you can wear. And the most beautiful women are tall and thin. Danielle starts to wonder if other people think like that. She gets confused and cries. Then everyone goes to bed, but Johanna stays up until nearly 5 a.m. to study the names. Maybe she would have an easier time memorizing them if they were typed up in Chinese. Did you know that she’s a Chinese linguist?

The next day, everyone gets ready for the Bungalow 8 party. Hate is wearing a black dress that is so short that it looks like a shirt. Hate claims that it goes to her knee, but it barely covers her butt. So maybe she has a second pair of knees on her butt. Or maybe she’s so dumb that she thinks her butt IS her knees. Johanna tries to explain the difference between tight and fitted, and hot and sophisticated. Don’t worry, it doesn’t work.

Danielle is still feeling sorry for herself and doesn’t want to go to the party. Hate tells us that it’s hard having weight issues. And until you can accept your body, it’s hell. And the way Hate says this is so phony and ridiculous. This girl has never had weight issues in her life. Danielle decides to wear her own dress instead of something from the closet because it’s more flattering.

At the party, our stylistas stand next to Anne near the entrance. One team is on her left, and one is on her right to help her identify people. Gay Sidekick tells us that a lot of fashion people at the party have the “sour puss face.” Amy Sacco comes up to Anne first and thanks her for the cashmere throw.

Anne Slowey? Is that you?

Johanna starts off and correctly identifies some red-haired lady that looks like Tilda Swinton. They have to know the name plus one fact that can serve as a conversation starter. Next Megan gets Nigel Barker. Okay, so not fair! Everyone knows Nigel! He even narrates this show! Quickly the theme begins as Johanna knows no one and Megan knows everyone. The score quickly stacks up in Megan’s favor. And Hate isn’t even paying attention and doesn’t even try because she didn’t even study. Instead she gazes at the mirror in the ceiling to check her lipgloss. Megan says she gets sick pleasure from their not knowing the names. And of course she does.

“Hi I’m Nigel. Perhaps you know me from that other fashion show on The CW. Or from THIS show.”

The identifying is over and our teams meet Brett outside who has discs of all the photos from the night. Johanna says they need to do a great layout to make up for not knowing ANYone at the party.

They have 90 minutes to put together the party page. And they have to make sure that they have all the names correct and spelled correctly. But the problem is that they don’t know any of the names. Remember? We just watched them fail miserably at that whole identification thing. Danielle just does all the typing and Hate creates the layout.

On the other team, Megan is asking Gay Sidekick how to spell Marcus Wainwright’s last night. And he spells it for her….just thought I should make sure to point that out. They other team is realizing that there are a lot of people at the party wearing leather – leather jackets, leather handbags, etc. So they decide to focus their page around a leather fashion theme. GS thinks of the punny title [H]Elle’s Angel’s to spoof on the biker stereotype.

Hate is worried because she doesn’t like the wood in the background of the photos. She says it looks like a sauna. But time is running out and they just need to put it together. Johanna has flashbacks to the past year she spent writing her blog, and she is upset because she doesn’t want to go back. Wait! What blog is she speaking of! I want to know more about this blog!

Back at the house, Danielle is worried that today is the day she’ll go home because she doesn’t like the layout of the page. Megan says that she’s not worrying because if she starts worrying, then she’ll second-guess herself and then she’ll be Johanna with a slightly less-constricting neckline. I actually kinda chuckled at Megan’s joke there about the necklines. But, then again, I have been in a HORRIBLE mood lately, so maybe I’m joining her evil street team. I think it’s the cold, mostly. My winter depression is almost in full swing!

At the presentation, this week’s guest judge is Paula Froelich, a writer for New York Post’s Page 6. She gets the scoop on the world’s biggest celebrities. Good to know.

Team 2

“[H]Elle’s Angels”: GS came up with the title, which Anne loves because she loves humor. Who knew?! I figured that if she ever laughed, then her face would crack. They don’t like that there’s no establishing shot. Joe doesn’t like that the party host is missing. But they do feel like the party looks fun. There is too much text. And Marcus Wainwright is misspelled. (They wrote “Wainwreight” with an extra “E.”) Megan says she typed it but GS dictated it.

Team 1

“Elite Street”: Danielle typed it all out. Johanna helped Hate piece it together. Anne seems weirded out that Johanna only helped Hate even though she was the leader. Anne didn’t feel like it was a party she wanted to be at. It didn’t feel accessible. It’s too two-dimensional with people just standing around and not having fun. And there is a caption for someone who is not even in the picture. Danielle typed it up but handed it off. Anne tells her that she needs to take responsibility, but they didn’t have a fail-safe system.

As the judges deliberate, our stylistas act dramatic out in the office space. Megan tells Johanna that now she should understand why she hates working with Hate. Johanna cries saying that Hate didn’t even do her homework. Hate laughs about how the only thing the judges liked was how she placed the pics. Johanna walks off and cries about how Hate always gets singled out for her leadership and commitment and that’s just embarrassing for everybody. I am expecting a breakdown of Jason-proportions, but she covers her face with some sort of leather bag, so it’s hard to tell if there’s any hyperventilation going on back there.

Team 2 wins and Team 1 has to go to Anne’s office. Anne says that Hate didn’t help her team at the party, but she made up for that by creating the layout. She’s willing to fight for her ideas, so she’s safe. Johanna hasn’t been part of a winning team since week one and couldn’t remember the names of her guests. Danielle didn’t catch the crucial mistakes. She only typed what was handed to her instead of checking her work. They’ve watched her grow and have been encouraged by her development but she needed to show more. So she’s out.

Danielle thinks she should be in the final five. But she doesn’t regret the opportunity. She gives a tearful goodbye and then takes her obviously empty big blue box into the elevator.

Next week, the final five has to impress a supermodel, and a dog pees on the carpet.

How do we feel? Are you all still hanging in there? Do you miss Danielle?

Until next time…
love, MandaMo
xoxo