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Monday, May 16, 2005
7:25 pm
46 Comments
I’m Jewish, so I don’t really know what that whole post-Christmas letdown feels like, but I imagine it’s something akin to how I’m feeling at this moment now that Survivor: Palau has finally run its course. Granted, other seasons such as Pearl Islands, Amazon, and of course Borneo probably outrank this go-around (barely), but after the letdown that was All Stars and the snoozefest that was Vanuatu, it was great to have the show back in top form — which is why I’m so sad that it’s over. The good news was that the finale had all those time honored traditions we do love ever so much: the last minute backstabbing, the bitter jury, and of course, the drawn-out tribute to fallen cast members. We even got a fire-making challenge tossed in as a bonus. The downside (and I say this with only mild criticism) was that the final voting pattern was fairly predictable, and even more shocking, Jeff Probst eschewed his standard secret-agent journey with the ballot box. Does CBS mean to tell us he did NOT parachute out of an airplane, land on an elephant, gallop to a hovercraft, float over to NASA, launch into space, orbit the planet, touchdown in Antarctica, teach a school of penguins to fly, ride the birds to Manhattan, jump on Spider-Man’s back, and swing into the Ed Sullivan Theater? I don’t believe it for a second!Well, this two hour snarkfest kicked off with passing images of crabs navigating through various beach-side debris. As some of you readers may know, I have a certain fixation on the various critters that populate Survivor b-roll footage, and I was more than delighted to see Palau’s crustacean community back in full force. Much more interesting than rats sniffing coconuts.
Speaking of crabs, Katie kicked off day thirty-seven crying out for help. No, she hadn’t swung a vine into a tree again. Instead, she and Jenn had stumbled upon a picnic basket full of food. “Help us!” the two girls cried out, perhaps flashing back to childhood picnic traumas. Tom and Ian immediately rushed to their side but were quickly relieved to discover the girls were simply being dramatic. Katie? Dramatic? Now I’ve seen it all.
“It sounded like someone had been massacred!” exclaimed Ian, clearly never having heard a massacre. Tom later said he thought the girls had encountered a crocodile. These guys don’t know what they’re talking about. It was clearly a “We’ve been attacked by a picnic basket!” scream. Anyone could tell you that.
Anyway, as the significance of the meal sunk in, the foursome took time for a little group hug action, Golden Girls style. Sadly, the moment was quickly ruined as Ian’s underarm odor wafted over the beach, destroying all wildlife in its wake. I was surprised Katie didn’t turn to him and say, “Yeah, um, Ian. Maybe the three of us should hug while you stand like fifty feet away. Maybe you could hug that palm tree over there?”
Katie: “Why do I always get stuck in Ian’s armpit?”
Well, everyone was excited about the food — especially the chronically malnourished Katie — and as the tribe chowed down, Tom of course translated the moment into fireman-ese, calling the reward an “atta-boy.” Soon, it was time for the immunity challenge, but before we could get into that, we needed to give a little lovin’ to our corporate sponsors. Yes, Probst introduced the contestants to one of those bright yellow Chevy Trucks that look to be one part pickup and one part Benny the Cab. “Go ahead and take a look around the Chevrolet SSR,” said Jeff, later noting that the winner of Survivor would take one home. Tom then opened up the glove box, and out fell three DVDs of “Jeff Probst Presents Girls Gone Persnickety.” Immediate awkwardness ensued. Okay, that didn’t happen, but there was a check inside for one million dollars, just in case all these people forgot what they were playing for.
After taking care of all this housekeeping, it was time to finally attack the gargantuan immunity challenge, and man, if you think you’re getting a full fledged description of this convoluted mess, you’d be wrong. Let’s see if I can give even the simplest of overviews: each person would be tied to a rope. They would then have to navigate through an obstacle course and grab a set of keys and unlock something. Then there were knots. And then there was a huge structure and more knots. Then after climbing up, there was a grappling hook that would be used to grab rungs of a ladder. Then the ladder needed to be built. Then people needed to climb their ladder and at the top of this structure was a flag to be raised. Man, that’s crazy. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! The first two people to get their flags up would then have to race down a zip line into some water. In the water would be a pontoon. On the pontoon would be a bag. In the bag would be three different numbers. Those numbers would be the combination for a lock. The lock would open a box. In the box would be a flag. Finally, the first person to raise a flag would win immunity. Honestly, the only thing missing from this challenge was an army of robots to be defeated with coconuts and palm fronds.
Well, the event hadn’t even started, and we already knew Tom would clean house. The immunity challenges this season have kind of skewed towards the physical, to put it mildly. Sure enough, Tom quickly dominated over his competitors, despite a five second lead by Jenn. Probst of course piped up with his color commentary, noting, “Katie struggling already.” What a SURPRISE!
Later, as Tom groaned and puffed his way into an even more comfortable lead, Probst continued to harangue Katie. “Katie is either very worn out or not worried at all!” Or, you know, COMPLETELY inept at physical activity.
As for Jenn, she seemed to be keeping up with the big guys, but the grappling hook did her in as the complexities of tossing it seemed to elude her. Surprising no one, Tom and Ian raised their flags first and second respectively. And how about Katie? “Katie: nowhere close!” announced Jeff, just barely restraining the urge to point and laugh.
Well, the two ladies took a seat and watched as Tom and Ian duked it out, and as predicted, the fireman from New York won AGAIN. I must admit, I do feel badly for Katie. It seems like every individual immunity challenge has somehow relied on physical endurance, agility, stamina, or coordination. Beginning with the merge of both tribes, we’ve had an endurance challenge, an underwater challenge, a coconut lobbing challenge, and an obstacle course challenge. To the producers’ credit, the last episode saw an immunity challenge reliant on a memory puzzle. The only problem was that it was IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OBSTACLE COURSE! Cut to Katie falling in the dirt twelve times. It’s safe to say that anyone only mildly athletic would have no chance for immunity against someone like Tom.
Oooh! The limited edition Tom Westman bobblehead!
Anyway, after the challenge, Jenn tried some last minute attempts to curry Tom’s favor, but not even her cutest pleading could win him over — he could not betray his alliance. And so the whole group informed her that she’d be voted out, and after some tears and hugs, we saw the moon rise — the official transitional shot for Tribal Council. Oh well. Guess this will be a pretty boring elimination. Or would it?
Instead of showing the survivors filling into Probst’s domain, we returned to the foursome sitting around the picnic table, shooting the shit. Tom laughed that if he hadn’t won immunity, he’d probably be next to go, prompting Ian to say that it would have been a very tough decision. Wait, why would it be tough, Ian? Aren’t you loyal to Tom? Do you know something we don’t know???
Well, actually, we knew about Ian’s shifty ways, but Tom didn’t — until that moment. Yes, Ian managed to stick his foot in his mouth yet again (third episode in a row), but this time, he didn’t have Tom to bail him out. You see, Tom felt like the decision to save Ian over Jenn was a no-brainer; so for Ian to say that it would have been a very tough choice made the old fireman feel very nervous. Hey Ian, way to not pull an atta-boy, JERK!
Of course Jenn immediately pounced on this rift, telling Tom that Ian’s plan was to vote him off next. When Tom expressed shock and betrayal, Jenn then pulled a classic Jenn move by cooing “Ohhhh, you didn’t know!” Oopsy daisy! Tee-hee! Jenny said a bad thing! I’m sowwy.
Well, even if Jenn may seem all cute and cuddly on the outside, if there’s anything we’ve learned over the past few episodes, it’s that she’s a fierce competitor, and her next big move was to have Tom confront Ian about his disloyalty. Ah yes, would master wordsmith Ian be able to dismantle these accusations? Uh, no. Almost immediately, Ian became a flustered mess. He straight up admitted his secret plan to vote off Tom, and then when pressed about his broken promises, Ian simply let out a string of “but… but…” before resigning to that blank stare usually reserved for discussions about personal hygiene. Honestly, why didn’t Ian simply deny the accusation? Then it would have been his word over Jenn’s. Oh that’s right. Because Ian’s an IDIOT. As for Jenn, by forcing the confrontation right there before Tribal Council, Ian had no chance to pull Tom aside and say “Yo, don’t freak out. I was only telling the girls what they wanted to hear.” That is assuming, of course, that Ian would be smart enough to pull such a move. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a missing scene where Ian says “Tom, these girls are just playing us against each other. We’ve got to stand strong! Oh wait, you’re not Tom. You’re a clam!” We then see that Ian is in fact talking to a giant clam.
Huminah huminah huminah huminah…
Anyway, it was finally time for Tribal Council which meant we once again could revisit our old friends on the jury. Let’s see, Janu still has her troll doll ‘fro. Steph still has the Jersey perm. Gregg has yet to shave since leaving Koror. And Caryn looks triple-sassy in her colorful yet sensible outfit. As for Coby, he sashayed in wearing a cape/shawl hybrid fashioned out of what I imagine was one of Janu’s spare skirts. Wendy Pepper he was not.
A 23 year old stoner girl leant me her tapestry. I turned it into a cape. Impressed? I thought so.
Once everyone had bustled in, Probst got to work with some passive aggressive remarks. He chided the tribe for arriving so late to Tribal Council, saying that something must have happened to cause the delay. Oh settle down, Jeff. What else were you planning to do that evening? Watch Desperate Housewives with Julie? Well, luckily for our host, there was plenty of drama to make the wait worthwhile. Tom once again laid into Ian for his intention to vote him out, causing Ian to stammer and stutter afresh. You know, Tom is basically just a more polite version of Boston Rob. Anyway, Ian claimed that he’d informed Tom of his plan to vote him out — a move that might have made sense had Ian not denied doing so just two seconds earlier. Needless to say, all of Ian’s squirming must have made Caryn feel somewhat vindicated. “If I could capture this moment and take it to JC Penney, I would be a very happy woman,” she later said.
While Jenn smiled happily during the Ian meltdown, Katie pouted for some unknown reason. You see, she was hurt by all this. No one had asked her how she felt (hungry, in case you’re wondering). Actually, she had something of a point. In Ian’s attempts to get back into Tom’s good graces, he’d essentially isolated himself from his alliance with Katie, and she wasn’t about to let him off easily. “Have you lied to me in the past twenty four hours?” she asked. Amazingly, Ian stalled by reiterating “Have I lied to you in the last twenty four hours…” He then paused, looked up, and racked his brain for an answer. Hey Ian, how about saying this: NO.
Well, Katie did have some legitimate concern about this Ian/Tom situation. After all, if she and Ian vote for Jenn, and Jenn and Tom vote for Ian, the vote could move into a tie-breaker situation, potentially putting Katie at risk. Actually, according to the old purple rock routine, Jenn and Ian would be safe, and because Tom had immunity, he’d be safe too. So Katie would just automatically go home, right? Unfortunately no. As it were, the vote actually did go to a tie (sweet!) twice (SWEET!), but Probst changed the rules on us and had Jenn and Ian go head to head in a fire-building competition. Well, this won’t be hard to predict. Sure enough, Ian built a raging inferno that was no doubt fueled by the volatile emissions from his underarms. Jenn, meanwhile, managed to light a flame only marginally larger than a birthday candle. It was therefore no surprise that our cutey-patootie was sent packing. Hey, at least she put in a valiant effort.
Back at camp, things went from tense to, uh, really tense. Tom continued to berate Ian for his lack of loyalty while Katie unsurprisingly fanned the flames. I guess it was a smart move to keep the attention off herself considering how she was just as guilty of betraying the alliance as Ian was. Nevertheless, Ian seemed to have no defense against the furor of Tom except “We’re playing a game!” He then added, “And besides, I’m an IDIOT! Why do you even ask for logic from me?”
The next morning, camp was full of awkward tension, causing Ian to go off and cry in the woods. “I didn’t come out here to be the villain!” he bawled. “I came out here to be the really smelly tall guy!” Unfortunately, there was little time for sniffling as the trio headed out to sea for the ODE TO FALLEN SURVIVORS – a.k.a. the time when CBS litters the ocean with old torches. Cue the upwardly sentimental music; it’s time to reminisce!
First torch up: Jolanda. Oooh, crazy Wanda and one-ball John DENIED! No memories for you! Maybe next time you shouldn’t sing songs and, uh, have one testicle. Way to not get picked, jerks. Anyway, after Jolanda came Ashley, whose slow-motion montage seemed to be a loving testament to her gigantic boobies. Look, here’s Ashley bending over. Here’s Ashley running on the beach. Here’s Ashley emerging from the surf, water cascading off her massive chest like the submarine in The Hunt for Red October.
Thanks for the mammaries.
Next up were Jeff and Kim, and wow, no one had anything to say about them. I guess they really made quite the impression. Meanwhile, some poor sea turtle had to dodge Jeff’s torch as it plummeted down to the depths of the ocean. Welcome to the ecosystem, LITTER. Also not getting any love was Angie whose torch similarly went down without any commentary. Come on guys, you can do better. How about “Oh, she was the girl with the armpit hair!” or “She was the one with the tattoos who actually seemed like a really friendly person and therefore shouldn’t be on a reality show!”
A few names later (James, Ibrahem), Katie set Bobby Jon’s memorial torch in the water, saying “You’re hot!” Tom had nothing but praise for the island’s resident Jesus Christ, saying he “Always conducted himself like a gentleman.” Yes. Now let’s look at footage of those snot rockets again.
Well, we didn’t see the snot rockets, but we did hear Bobby Jon say “I can honestly say that I left every inch, every effort, every blood, sweat that I had in my body, every toenail out on that island.” He left his toenails on the island? GROSS!
Later, we got to Janu’s torch and heard her boast about spoiling the tribe’s plans by quitting. Yes, you really derailed that train.. for three days! Oh Janu. How devilish you are! Finally, Katie dropped Jenn’s torch in the water and expressed sadness at seeing her go, saying she was her best female friend out there. I’m sure Jenn really appreciates that… FROM THE JURY BOX!
Anyway, this schmaltz-fest eventually came to a close as the survivors paddled in to meet Probst at the final immunity challenge. After last season’s elaborate stand-on-two-poles-and-hold-a-bow-and-arrow endurance test, I thought the show would return to the theme of antiquated weaponry poses. Maybe the final three would have to man a trebuchet? No, sadly Survivor got back to its roots by simply having Tom, Ian, and Katie grapple some buoys and stay there for hour after hour after hour. Of course, Katie was the first to hop into the water, but at five hours, she proved to be no slouch for once. Unfortunately, her effort paled against Superman and String Bean, who turned out to have way more resilience than anyone had expected. After eleven hours of standing on buoys, the two looked positively drained. Oh, not Tom and Ian. I meant Katie and Probst. Jeff tried to stir the pot with his usual nagging and instigation, but he only achieved minimal results.
Check out that pole-on-pole action.
Tom tried to do some negotiating, but using logic with Ian is about as effective as trying to wash a dolphin trainer. Basically, Tom said that if Ian jumps in right now, he’ll take him to the final two, but Ian resisted. It made sense really because three hours later, Ian revealed his gameplan. He’s going to jump in the water if Tom PROMISES to take Katie. Ah ha! Now Ian’s guaranteed to win… wait what? What’s going on? Ian wants Tom to take Katie to the final two? Why, this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe there’s some rational explanation. Well, according to Ian, he couldn’t stand what the game had turned him into, and so he wanted to martyr himself to repair his friendships. I suppose that’s virtuous. Um, no, it’s actually just stupid. Very, very stupid. I don’t know how Tom can get all high and mighty about his “respect” when just a few days ago he declared that Survivor is an “all’s fair in love and war” scenario. Ian basically sacrificed himself for sanctimonious hypocrisy and a manipulative tart (that would be Katie, not Tom). Well, Probst had the marvelous idea of holding an impromptu Tribal Council right there on the pontoon; although, I’m sure it was less of Jeff’s plan and more just a general desire to not fall behind schedule – so take THAT, Probst and your so-called spontaneous ideas!
Anyway, Tom voted off Ian (although, if he were a real solid-gold champ, he would have nixed Katie as a gesture of gratitude to Ian. So much for paying it forward with the atta-boys).
Aww Katie. One last armpit for old times sake.
The next morning, Tom woke up from his deep slumber and told Katie that he had had the strangest dream. Why, in his dream, he had made the final two! No, Tom, you sillyhead! It wasn’t a dream. It’s real! Oh, you were joking? I didn’t realize. I guess that’s because YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. Wow, I don’t know where that random anti-Tom bitterness came from. I tend to just arbitrarily attack these people. Really not very becoming of me. If I ever befriend Katie, man, that will be really awkward. Especially when I mention how I’ve belittled her on the internet for three months.
Well, with little else to do, Tom decided to shove the nice picnic table into the campfire and burn it down. You know, a random bonfire to celebrate, uh, the end of picnic table oppression? I really didn’t understand the logic behind this fiery debacle, but I knew Tom was gung-ho about it. In fact, he was so eager to light up that table that he didn’t even clear off any of the plates. Eventually, he and Katie left their burning campsite (way to go, FIREMAN), causing Tom to remark “The rats get it back now.” But not the plates, stupid plate-wanting rats.
As the two trudged up to their final Tribal Council, Katie commented that even though she hasn’t won any of the challenges, “I’ve played just as hard.” Yes, in a not hard-working, lazy, floundering way. Okay, to Katie’s credit, she has been pulling overtime with the scheming, and that does deserve something. But something tells me this holier-than-thou jury might not be so rational.
Speaking of the jury, we got to see what Ian looks like when he’s all cleaned up, and sadly, it’s just as bad. Thankfully, his patchy Johnny Depp beard was gone, but now he was rocking a 2003 Urban Outfitters ensemble — I know because I have the exact same outfit tucked away in my closet, wristband and all. Seriously. Anyway, Tom and Katie offered up their opening statements, and for the most part, they seemed to articulate their points fairly well. Tom did his whole humble thing (again) while Katie said she played the only cards she could. Yeah yeah yeah. Let’s get to the jury.
First up was Coby who provided a dependably venomous and self-serving diatribe. “I got issues,” he said as his opener. “First. Which did you guys like better? My rainbow shirt or my pseudo-shawl?” Okay, he didn’t ask that. In fact, he didn’t ask anything at all. He simply ripped on Katie and Tom, telling the latter that “You played this game every bit as dirty as Ian did.” Well, not dirty dirty like Ian. He only meant scheming-wise. Anyway, Coby finished his well-rehearsed rant and sat down without hearing responses from the finalists. Could have been better, Coby. Tsk tsk.
Next up was Gregg, the one guy I pinned to give a few softball questions, smile, and say “Congratulations guys. You did great!” Instead, Gregg immediately went for the jugular, telling Tom “I saved you!” Please Gregg. You were angling to vote Tom off. Don’t pull the Burton card and act like the victim here. Gregg then turned his attention towards Katie and instantly made Coby’s tirade sound like a long lost Mary Poppins song. “Katie, you were worthless around camp, you were insignificant, even embarrassing on challenges, you would think the least you could do was make some friends around camp. So my question to you is, explain to me and the jury how being so pathetic is your plan.” Wow. That was pure evil. And here I thought Gregg would simply ask Katie what her favorite color was.
After Katie gave a teary answer, a sexy Latina stood up and addressed the two. Oh wait, that’s just tantastic Steph. Anyway, she wanted to know why Tom went back on his word to take her along as far as possible. Tom said that he just couldn’t go against his alliance and had to drop Steph. Katie, however, had a different story. According to her, Tom instructed her to vote Steph off. What?? Tom betrayed someone? I don’t believe it! He’s so humble!
“Why would I tell a person who maybe had an alliance with the four of us — Ian, myself, Katie — that we had to get rid of you?” Tom asked. Yeah, why would Tom EVER discuss strategy with his alliance? It just doesn’t make sense. So you see, Katie is clearly lying. Good ole Tom would never betray you, Steph!
Next up was Janu who served up two dumb softball questions. “How hard was it to compromise your integrity?” she asked Tom. Hmmm… Wonder what he’s gonna say? Surprise surprise, it was VERY hard to compromise his integrity! Although, truth be told, he didn’t think he had compromised it. Oooh, nice twist!
As for Katie, Janu’s big question was use three positive and three negative adjectives to describe yourself. Good one, Janu. I’m sure this will clarify EVERYONE’s decision. Actually, it really might have since Katie snapped back that she wouldn’t answer because “I don’t expect your vote.” Ooh, “Saturday Night Live” rejects Janu’s vote! Saucy!
Our favorite civil rights lawyer Caryn addressed Katie and Tom next, and I was excited for what should have been a cutting, revealing question. Instead, she merely asked Tom what she was to him: a pawn? A friend? Ugh, the self-serving softball question. Whenever these sorts of questions are asked, all the juror wants are some compliments. Tom beat around the bush a little bit (that’s a shocker) causing Caryn to reiterate: “WAS I A PAWN OR DID WE HAVE A REAL FRIENDSHIP?” Tom replied that he would let her heart figure that one out. Oooh! He just turned it all on you, bitch! Actually, the implication was “we have a friendship and you should know better” but the reality could very easily have been “I hate you so much but I don’t want to say that.”
Caryn then turned her wrath on Katie, asking her to explain her strategy more than just that she made alliances. Well, Ms. Tart 2005 had a few things to say about that. “The game is about making alliances, and that’s why you’re sitting over there — because you didn’t make one!” Caryn Groedel, YOU GOT SERVED! Oddly enough, Omarion appeared at Caryn’s side and the two uprocked until Katie relented. It was pretty surreal.
Cameron Diaz then arrived at Tribal Council and — oh, sorry, it’s just Jenn. In a very calm and collected way, she told Tom that he seemed slightly chauvinistic and disrespectful of her game. “Your whole game was that you hid your game. I had no game to see,” he replied. Oh. Well, uh. I guess he’s kind of right. Good one, Jenn.
Finally Ian stood up and asked the only truly interesting question of the evening. He wanted each person to state why he or she didn’t deserve the one million dollars. Katie gave some answer about having offended people or being lazy. But leave it to Tom to lay on the bullshit nice and thick: “I’ve already had my payday. The experience of being out here with you.” SHUT UP! Honestly, this guy is going to run for office.
Well, it was finally time to vote. Janu wrote in favor of Tom, saying that he was the man who chose her for the team, and for that she was forever indebted. Wow, that was kind of sweet. Coby, meanwhile, voted for Katie, saying that she was the only honest person that evening. Believe it or not, I kind of agree. As unctuous and snotty as she can be, Katie laid it all out there and argued her case well. I wouldn’t chide Coby for his decision.
As for the rest, well, we didn’t get a chance to see. The closest we got was Ian who deliberated for a while, and just as his pen hit the parchment, we cross faded into footage of the fire. Mark Burnett LOVES doing that.
Well, the votes were all in which meant one thing: time for Jeff Probst to have an elaborate and ridiculous departure from the island. But whaaa? We were suddenly in New York City. How could they just cut to live? We need crazy antics! Weakest vote return montage EVER!
Well, with the show being live, we got to see everyone with their new makeovers. Katie had actually lost some weight (way to go, internet jerks calling her fat. Oh wait, that’s me) and now looked eerily like Jenna Lewis from Borneo / All Stars / sex tape scandal. As for Probst, he had grown his hair out a little bit. Looked kind of dumb, if you asked me, but not as dumb as John (remember? The guy with one ball?) who later came out with a Seacrest ‘do gone very, very bad. As for Ian, he was wearing the exact same outfit from Tribal Council. Yes, even the wristband was the same. Variety, my friend. Variety.
Anyway, results time. After only showing two votes previously, I had a strong feeling that this would be a Tom blowout, and sure enough, it was. Katie’s only vote came from Coby, and the rest went to the big man himself, thus making Tom Westman the tenth Survivor winner. Much excitement was had, and we could finally close the books on this great tenth season.
Of course there was a reunion, but I think I’ll give that it’s own recap. This novel of a post has already taken entirely too long to write.
What do you think? Did Katie have any realistic chance? Did Tom deserve it? Did Ian make the right choice?
TV Social
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46 Comments
Katie never had a prayer against Tom. Ian made a stupid decision but it was good TV. All that being said, for some unexplained reason,this was the best Survivor since the original one.
Tom totally deserved it. He played that game with everything in him. Im just surprised he made it that far, I think that its the first time the person who was the biggest physical threat has won.
I thought Ian was kinda crazy to do what he did, but if it helps him sleep at night, then I don’t see what the problem is. Hey, at least he has his Corvette!
Ian is officially the stupidest reality show contestant since Tyson Beckford on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” (Alas, one of my biggest disappointments in life so far: that TVGasm was not yet around to chronicle that reality gem…)
Tom could have saved his damn integrity by taking Ian to the finals, where he would have won anyway. Instead, he showed his true colors, went for the sure loser, collected his million, and tried to aw shucks his way out of what a fake asshole he was – I didn’t like Colby, but man, he saw through Tom. Anyway, Tom went from hot to not over the course of the season, which I guess is the genius of the Survivor editors. What a great season they had. Ian, he was a dumb shit – integrity my ass, this is Survivor – maybe he’s planning on a big product placement contract from Sea World. By the by, I am all for an All Male Model Agency Survivor Reunion Challenge, held somewhere like Richard Branson’s house in the Caribbean – Jeff, Tom, Bobby Jon, Greg, the one-balled dude, Colby, that lawyer dude from Pearl Islands, even the dude who won Tahiti if he’ll do some soft porn in a background story, but please, no Rupert. However, they all have to jump overboard with only the clothes on their back, just like Pearl Islands. Good summary dude/dudette. You’re my fav. And I’m still laughing over the Bonsai plant hopping away from Andy McDowell.
Best season since #1?!!! Man, I am so out of whack with public opinion. This season was so disappointing to me. I hated them all once Colby was sent packing. And Tom is one nasty piece of work. What is it about becoming a firemen that brings out the neanderthal in guys?
Mr. Burnett, next season, can we have some tasks that can be won by women, please? This game forces the sexes to conform to stereotypes — the macho men rule the challenges, and the women must either fall into the background or bitch and connive amongst themselves to stay in the game.
Not only have all the challenges this season been physical, it seems like they have been geared specifiaclly for a man whose profession is a firefighter.
Ian is an idiot. He is such a bad liar. I wanted him to win before this episode, but after Bobby Jon left. It seems like his downfall can be traced back to when Katie betrayed him at that reward challenge. That seems to be when he started his very poor attempts at backstabbing. Some people just aren’t meant for a life of duplicity. Those people should not play Survivor.
I hate Katie, and I am so glad she didn’t win. No one was paying any attention to her at the first tribal council, so she had to be a big brat and make it all about her vote. Gregg is right; she is pathetic. She couldm’t stand not to have something be about her for five seconds. And to bitch out Ian along with Tom, when she’s been doing the exact same thing takes balls. More balls than Ian has, because if he had any at all he would have pointed that out any one of the many times she’s yelled at him in the last few episodes.
So Katie actually said that Bobby Jon was hot. I thought I imagined that. I always had a feeling that she was one of the people to vote to give him immunity during that double tribal council they had a while back. Maybe she had visions of him wrapping his smelly self around her instead of Ian. It reminds me of when she was making fun of him during her impromptu puppet show, and she is so junior high-making fun of the boy you like. Although, I have to agree; he is hot.
The only thing more bizarre than that immunity challenge, was Tom burning down the picnic table. So no one could ever use it again. Huh?
And since when is Jenn all about girl power? Is that the M.O. of a feminist-to latch onto a guy and have him take her as far as he can. I must have missed that in the writings of Gloria Steinem.
Why did Coby write down Kat when he voted for Katie?
I was getting pretty nervous. I really didn’t want Katie to win. I was really really opposed to it. As unlikely as it seems now, it seemed like a Katie win was a sure thing due to the anti-Tom sentiment. Say what you will about Tom, he deserved to win, making him probably the first Survivor ever to actually deserve the win. I’m kinda pissed that she gets a hundred thousand dollars. She doesn’t even deserve that.
B-side, thank you, thank you for hilarious recap. This one had me laughing from the title. I especially love the pole-on-pole action – ha, ha,ha,haha!
Oh, and I am glad Tom won. Ian is way too honest, but was off his rocker to make that deal. He actually would have had a shot if he had gone against Tom. Katie? No.
I can’t believe that Tom is only forty! I think they mentioned that when he won. Forty? I thought he was like 60! Hate him, he’s got that fake-macho-good guy thing going on, when he is actually extra devious.
Why in the hell did Ian care about what lame Tom and Katie thought of him? Who cares about their fake friendship promises and “respect”? He should have told them to keep all of that. After that tie-breaker vote, at that immunity challenge I would have told both of them to kiss my ass and let Tom fall in the water with his old self. But even as annoying as Tom was, I have to grudgingly admit he played the game the best and deserved to win. An Ian/Tom match-up would have been more exciting, though.
It occurred to me while watching the finale, that Stephenie looks like Paul Stanley of KISS.
NEWSFLASH: CNN reports this morning that Katie ate through her $100,000 second prize winning during an all night feisting at Benihana. Jeff Probst says “This is the FIRST TIME IN SURVIVOR HISTORY that a contestant has spent their winnings before receiving the check!”
In unrelated news Ian donated his legs for consumption upon hearing that Katie was still hungry. Jeff Probst says “What a dumb fuck!”
This was the worst Survivor ever! With the exception of last weeks show, that was excellent by comparison, there was no reason to have a final immunity challenge. No reason to vote. No reason to watch. When Ian gave in to Tom you can tell Probst was thinking “He’s pussy whipped and a doofas. And he fucked up my dramatic challenge after 11 hours. Ian, I’m killing you myself.”
I hated all the contestants, with the exception of Stephanie, and could really care less about who won. I just thank god I don’t have to listen to Tom’s Brooklyn accent any longer!!! He’s more annoying than Boston Rob. I pray next season is better!!!!!!!!
Peace Out!
I don’t believe that people think this is the best season ever.
In essence what is happening is that Mark Burnett took a page out of Donald Trump’s book. If you say repeatedly “This is the best Survivor EVER!” people will start to believe it. But it’s not. I dare anyone to try to sit through a second viewing of this crap when it comes out on DVD. You’ll be asleep in the first 45 minutes.
Peace Out!
I don’t believe that people think this is the best season ever.
In essence what is happening is that Mark Burnett took a page out of Donald Trump’s book. If you say repeatedly “This is the best Survivor EVER!” people will start to believe it. But it’s not. I dare anyone to try to sit through a second viewing of this crap when it comes out on DVD. You’ll be asleep in the first 45 minutes.
Peace Out!
I was really surprised that Katie was the victim of the most venom. I knew some would attack her for not working harder, but I never thought that she’d be the focus to the point of everyone almost forgetting Tom. I really thought Katie would pick up more than just one anti-Tom vote, although I’d hoped that a few people would vote for Tom based on his combination of being strong yet strategizing enough to not get booted early like most strong players. I had to hand it to Katie, though; she made a good point when she said that she didn’t have a “strength” or “athletic ability” card to play so she went in planning to ally with strong guys and she stuck to it.
Did anyone else think that Katie looked even worse after she returned from the island, i mean woof. She seemed to have kept off the weight but that almost platnium blond hair did nothing for her.
First off, very, very funny site. I honestly thought that for once the retrospective part of the final show was the most entertaining – generally it’s just schmaltzy and false. But man, when Katie took Janu’s torch and, without comment from any of the three, launched that sucker like she was trying to spear a fish! Hye-larry-ous.
Yeah, Momo, I didn’t care for her hair either. It made Katie look like a different person-and not in a good way.
Following up on what Ashes said, Katie stuck with strong guys but she seemed to jump around. She was going to go with Gregg and Jenn to form a new alliance, then Ian and Jenn to oust Tom. She would go along with anyone so that she didn’t get knocked out. She didn’t seem all that loyal to Ian and Tom.
Also, why didn’t Ian just say he would step down from the final challenge and let Tom make up his own mind? That seems both honorable and un-doofus. I think Tom should have been the better man in the end and kept Ian. I still think he could have won.
suebee, you’re right about Katie–she allied with Tom and Ian but looked to get in good with the other “power couple” in case Gregg was able to get rid of Ian or Tom. This jury didn’t respect that type of strategizing, but I was forced to agree with Katie when she said that it was really her best option. She couldn’t depend on having a good shot at winning immunity like Tom and Ian, nor could she try to guilt the others into keeping her around based on superior camp skills and past team leadership like Tom did. She certainly could have done more work around camp and would have escaped at least some ire had she done so, but she was never going to be a big factor in team or individual challenges. Sometimes the juries are most bitter and self-righteous towards the player who was the strongest (we saw flashes of that from Steph and Caryn who wanted “protection” from Tom as if he had a duty to keep them beyond the usual alliances and cross-alliances that most players form) but this jury was more focused on Katie’s weaknesses.
Anybody notice in the great fire building challenge between Ian and Jenn that Jenn went from “hair down-braid across the top” to “hair pulled back in a braid” back to “hair down…” after the challenge? I don’t have tivo so I couldn’t go back and see if the editing really fooled me or not. And by this time I was so over the whole editing thing anyway…by the time the final tribal council came around where the jury could ask questions, I was getting dizzy listening to Tom chase himself in circles. The only reason he came out smelling like a million dollar rose is because he won the individual challenges. If he hadn’t had a rope of teeth around his neck, he would’ve been long gone too.
You say tantastic, I say Steph is mixed race.
WTF happened to Ian? His choice was insane. Stupid. Unbelievable. He blew a good shot at $1 million for the friendship of two people. Those relationships could have been repaired anyway. If not, then they really weren’t worth it. Weak. Ian is just weak.
Tom deserved to win as much as anyone. The jury members all owed a lot of their longetivity to Tom’s physical prowess. Not that they didn’t kick in, but he plain dominated those harsh challenges.
Will any jury ever take it to the final two like that Sue from Season 1? Will it ever be that outrage, furious and vengeful as that again?
I can’t believe I invested all my time watching this entire season of Survivor, only to COMPLETELY miss out on the finale! WTF! Damn 24 and its Season One box set!!
I too was disappointed that Probst didn’t venture into the vote count in some sort of fantastical (better than the skydive into motorcycle ride) manner. I was looking forward to that the entire time.
I wanted to see Ian win the million. I thnk he played a good game. I know he has a problem when it comes to lying. It just mad me mad to see Tom win, when he did as much lying as anyone else. How many times did he tell caryn that she would be in the final two with him. Tom should have said, sorry Katie. I am taking Ian.
I wanted to see Ian win the million. I thnk he played a good game. I know he has a problem when it comes to lying. It just mad me mad to see Tom win, when he did as much lying as anyone else. How many times did he tell caryn that she would be in the final two with him. Tom should have said, sorry Katie. I am taking Ian.
I fully expected to see Probst shot from an old WWII cannon left on the island to land in the studio for the live vote count or perhaps board a replica of a sunken Japanese vessel for the long voyage home. But for him to simply walk away from the tribal council area, fly first class back to the States, and walk into the studio? Unacceptable.
I too was very disappointed with no elaborate exit/reentrance by Probst (it’s his shinning moment of the season) I look forward to that just as much as the reading of the votes. And going with the whole army/war theme I thought for sure he would get in a boat drive out to a submarine, then get to land get in a fighter plane (with a cap and red scarf) then land the plane and drive into the studio on a old world war II motor cycle with the votes safely tucked into the sidecar.
I know that you’ve promised a recap about the post-show, but I just have to point out how surprised I was that Colleen Haskell made an appearance on the post-show. What? That wasn’t Colleen? It was IAN?!?! Get a haircut, dude…
Ian is such a FOOL!!!! He not only gave up a chance for a million for Katie, he didn’t even vote for her to get the million, making his “move” completely pointless. Katie played him soooo bad, and I think she would have had a better shot against Tom if they held a formal tribal council after Ian’s acky-breaky big mistaky, The jury would have been able to see how well she played the fool, and would have actually seen her game. What was ian thinking? My theory is he was too scared to go to tribal council and be ambushed without being able to articulate or defend his actions.
I’m thrilled that Tom won (finally a strong deserving player wins the million). He deserved every single jury members vote with the exception of Stephie, all of their Paychecks at the end of this are considerably higher, because his leadership and strength got them threw the team competitions in one piece.
I think Tom is a hunk.
wackattack, Katie didn’t win, so there’s no reason why it would have hurt her for the jury to have seen Tom vote out Ian and hear the details. According to what Katie said on the Early Show, she only got Coby’s vote (which makes sense because they would have shown us any other vote for Katie to build drama.) Coby wouldn’t have been dissuaded from voting for Katie had he heard more about Ian telling Tom to pick Katie. Also, you could say that Tom did just as much manipulating of Ian near the end as Katie did, because Tom was the one who really laid into Ian and created the guilt trip that made Ian so upset, and Katie was sleeping when Ian and Tom started talking deals during the last challenge. Katie played Ian all along, but Tom pushed Ian’s buttons pretty well at the end.
This was definitely Survivor Won-tom…boring boring boring. Tom deserved to win but it was all tom, all the time, and it got old.
cutey-patootie? That’s the only thing gayer than Colby’s cape.
gnarkill – it’s called tongue in cheek…
I have never screamed the word “stupid!” at the TV so many times in my life. Actually, I think two really stupid moves were made. I think the right thing to do, in Tom’s case, was take Ian to the final two anyway no matter what Ian said. Yes, he wound up winning anyway so it’s a moot point now – but I think only if he had done that – and proved that he was the ethical person he kept claiming he was – would he have had any chance of winning against Ian.
Ian, of course, should not have done what he did, IMO. He basically pulled a Colby Donaldson (who handed Tina a million bucks by choosing her over Keith) but, even worse, knocked himself out completely. I really feel like Ian probably had the votes to beat Tom, because I think both their gameplay was appreciated by all but more had grudges against Tom than Ian. I think the only way Tom could have beaten Ian – MAYBE – in the final two was if he had chosen Ian instead of Katie against Ian’s wishes. But I still think Ian probably had the votes for the million.
And I could have just wrung Katie’s neck the last three episodes anyway for her “Ian betrayed me!” stuff. Seems like everyone forgot how Katie, on purpose, knocked Ian out of that reward challenge for the boat trip first. She broke her promise to him, not the other way around.
I loved the season but hated the ending. Just should have been Ian and Tom in the final two, no matter which way it had come about. Colby Donaldson, meet your soulmate, Ian. The top two dumbest moves on Survivor through all time.
I’m not sure what to call Ian’s “deal” during the last immunity challenge. It was definitely a first! And it worked for him so I guess we’ll leave it at that. I suppose I was ok with Tom winning (I certainly didn’t want Katie to end up with the million) but Steph was my girl. When they voted her off I just didn’t care anymore.
And what was all the buzz about Katie’s “sense of humor”? She kept alluding to it but I saw no evidence of it. They must have removed it during editing because the only traits I saw her exhibit were whining, backstabbing, and gross manipulation whenever and where ever possible. Not very worthy traits, to say the least.
B-side, I just wanted to say thank you for your hilarious recaps all season long. To think I was just about to give in to my friends and give up reality tv. But now, thanks to you, I’ll just have to stick around for Big Brother so that we can continue to share such glorious mornings together¦ Is there a B-side fan club around? If not, can I start one?
Yeah they did edit out Katie’s humour, she was on thefisbowl.com’s finale recap and was actually funny. Sorry B-side there is no defense for the use of “cutey-patootie”
Katie (whale) is the Keenyah of Survivor.
Gnarkill – at the end of the day, regrettably, you are right.
ikellybside – you are too kind. There are no official fanclubs. Feel free to start one up though.
And yes, for all you readers who might feel lost now that all the shows are wrapping up, let me implore you to watch Big Brother. It’s not a show — it’s a lifestyle.
I’d join the B-Side Fan Club. I bet Kelley would too
wow. i´m in mexico so i didn´t get to see the finale–thanks, as always, b-side, for a great recap. i hope you´ll still recap the reunion–
muchas gracias
I think that IAN was a total IDIOT for giving up his chances to win a million dollars, but we gotta hand it to TOM he really MINDFUCKED IAN, I mean, the way he twisted everything to make himslef the victim, for a moment I hoped KATIE would win just to fuck up TOM, but in all fairness between her and TOM he was the better man, THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS, wow, it was like whatching a movie where the bad guy wins in the end. I admit, Tom was a good player, but I’m sure that if IAN would have made it to the final two TOM would have lost, in short, IAN IS A DUMB FUCK.
I feel sorry for Katie. She didn’t played the game very well at all. She saw she was headed toward a F2 with an unbeatable Tom or Ian, and she didn’t do anything to prevent it. When Caryn asked Tom if Caryn was just a pawn to Tom, he told her to basically count how many times he saved her butt. The real pawn was Katie. Tom marked her as a pawn from day one, I bet. Not so much Ian’s pawn. And Katie knew she was Tom’s pawn. That’s the pity: she saw her own fate, yet was unable to stop it, didn’t have the courage to chance it. She didn’t push for a Tom elimination in F7, didn’t cast her fate with the purple rock against him (and Jenn) at F6, didn’t vote against Ian at F5 or F4 (which would have upset Tom’s plan, oddly enough). She never broke her alliance. Was she honest or just didn’t have the guts? Sorry Katie, I think we saw within your heart (pouncing on the weak when they’re already down is no sign of strength) and we know.
As far as Tom, I don’t know why people call him fake anything. Everyone he told he would look out for he did. Steph made it to F7 didn’t she? Caryn to F5. Everyone except one – Gregg. But it’s Survivor. If you’re not gonna flip on an active alliance once, you won’t win (see Katie above). And we saw that that flip was perfectly timed, so much so that Gregg had to give Tom an atta-boy in appreciation. And he forgave his wayward pupil, Ian, and gave Ian a chance to recant on his ridiculous buoy-induced sacrifice (“we were delusional out there. do you still want me to take Katie?”). Tom didn’t have to do that, he didn’t have to risk losing to Ian in the F2 but he did (so how exactly did he play dirty again?).
Lastly, what puts Tom at the top of Survivor’s best is not only his physical strenth, not only his off-camera deservability (NYC fireman with kids, goddarn’it), but his incalculatably awesome ability to read people: he knew how to get the best out of his ill-assembled crew (in the sandbag carrying challenge Bobby Jon gave all the credit to Tom) and made them win all their team immunities (even Ian, Janu, Jenn and Katie won an immunity challenge!), he knew Katie was gonna be the bitch to take to F2, he knew Ian could be the trusted more than anyone else (and even better, Tom knew when Ian was BS’ing), he knew how to clean up Ian’s numerous game faux-pas, he knew Gregg could pull a switch, even knew exactly how to answer Caryn’s and Jenn’s questions at the final TC to compliment them without turning saccharine. Wow, the guy should be running a Forbes 100 corporation with those people skills.
I think that’s why the final vote count was a blowout: CBS didn’t show all of Katie’s petty meanness nor of Tom’s good-natured resolve. The other Survivors were privy to both.
I’ve been wondering the same thing, zinger. I don’t see why people think Tom is a snake. He could have flipped on Ian and took out his biggest competition at any time, but didn’t. Unlike any of the other players, he made it to the end because he won all but 2 immunity challenges (yes, I’m including the tribal immunity, don’t even try to say he didn’t win those for his team). For once, the person who really did out-play, out-wit, and out-last everyone else actually WON.
hannah, I see your point, because I have been saying since Tom won that he really deserved it for being a physically dominant player who was smart enough to avoid being voted out as a threat like almost all physically dominant players in the history of Survivor have been. He clearly had more going on than just physicality. We all know that winning the jury’s votes, as irrational as the juries often are, is part of the “outplaying” and “outwitting” component of this game. In the past, stronger players (like Rob) who made final 2 haven’t nailed down that aspect of the game. Tom managed to dominate that angle, too, by being generally likeable all along, taking Katie, and answering questions in a way that highlighted the things about him that he knew these jury members would respond to.
Thanks, zinger, hannah and ashes for the great assessments on the game. Those were tremendous insights and I agree wholeheartedly with you all – Tom did everything required to win the game. I’m happy he won – he deserved it more than anyone else sitting up there with him. You could even say that he is the best player Survivor has ever had, a distinction I used to reserve solely for Hatch by virtue of the fact that he was the player who laid out most of the strategies used by all other players who came after him.
Still, it would have been nice to see poor Steph win at least one immunity challenge before she was voted out.
I’m really jazzed about the next Survivor! I can’t believe Guatamela is letting them live IN the ruins! That’s gonna be COOL!!! I can’t wait until September. B-side, you better be ready. I’ll be expecting your usual great recaps on that Survivor, too. And thanks for the memories on this season!