Clash of the Stupid Nicknames

Last week on Survivor, Moto made the decision to sacrifice Liliana in the name of comfort, keeping their nice camp instead of their numbers. Will the decision come back to haunt them this week?

But, there are two kick-ass and entertaining challenges, including the most exciting game of Concentration since the infamous Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier Board Game-off of 1965. Remember reading about that? Ali took Candy Land, and Frazier took Ants in the Pants, and it came down to the crucial third round, Concentration. Float like a butterfly, sting like a…guy who is good at matching stuff up!

Oh, and Dreamz finally getz a clue this week. Who knew that was going to happen?The episode begins with Yau-man cooking food for the group; he tells those of us with short-term memory loss that he just returned from Exile Island and that the clue he received mentioned that the hidden immunity idol is buried right in the middle of camp, under the cave. Yau decides to team up with Earl to discuss the clues. They’ve basically decided to share the idol, I think, which is a good idea. However, they’re discussing the clues and what they mean, which seems…dumb, to me, at least on Yau’s part. Earl doesn’t possess any knowledge that Yau does not. Also, the only way the clues could get any clearer would be to have a Production Assistant lead you by the hand to where it is and then point at the ground. That’s actually going to be the sixth clue, I bet. Sylvia would probably still be like “Meh. I’ll look for it later.”

What IS smart, however, is that Earl and Yau have a plan to lead the rest of the group away so that Yau has a little free time to dig. Earl tells us what a good move it is for him to help Yau get the idol, and he would be correct about that. If he’s allied with Yau, and Yau has the idol, he’ll have some input about how it’s used. Since Yau is much more likely to be voted off than Earl and the two are allied, this makes sense down the line for Earl’s strategic efforts as well. I wish my two favorite people would ally all the time, because it gives me hope for this season that at least some people are actually thinking, instead of just getting by on luxury. Imagine if, like, Boo won? How much would that suck? It would be boring, and he’d probably just buy a bunch of sharp objects with the money.

After the credits, it is Day 12 at Ravu. As they all lay around looking tired, Earl attempts to lure the peanut gallery away from the cave so that Yau can get a shot at the idol. He stutters a lot as he tries to think of something. He comes up with what basically amounts to, “Uhh…time to go…over there! Yeah, um, let’s..hunt for crabs…crabs are…good.” Nice excuse, Earl. What a well thought out plan! Not obvious at all. “Hey guys, let’s go do that thing, uh…over there.” Dude, it’s Ravu. We are not talking about any finely honed strategic minds here. You can wave a shiny object in front of their faces and they will be captivated for hours. Plus, they’re starving. You could say anything to them involving food and they’d go. Given this combination of factors, I’d probably be like, “Hey guys! I think a Quizno’s franchise opened up on the other side of the island. Let’s go check it out! Turkey Ranch and Swiss for everybody!” and they’d totally follow me. And it would be a better excuse than Earl gave.

I’m thinking we should tell them there’s a carnival. Think about it: cotton candy, bumper cars, midgets. It’s foolproof!

The group goes off while Yau-man hangs back, looking NOT AT ALL SUSPICIOUS. If I were him, I would just say that the producers had just asked me to do confessional or something and head in the other direction, instead of hanging back like Spy vs. Spy. Way to go, James Bond. Also, this makes me wish Veronica Mars were a real person, and cast on Survivor. How awesome would that be?

After everyone is gone, Yau-man speculates about the location and then begins to dig with the machete, because it’s the only tool they have. His problem is that the clue tells him to dig deep, and he can’t really do that with a machete. It’s like trying to cut someone open with a shovel. Which I’m sure Boo could do to himself, given enough time.

The rest of Ravu hunts for crabs and whatnot as Earl and Anthony head to the top of the mountain to look for fruit. They end up getting a pretty stunning view of the surrounding area. It is definitely the same mountain where Dreamz proclaimed himself King of Fiji, so maybe they are just glad to be out from under his Iron Fist. Imagine what that reign would be like. Embarrassing nicknames for everybody!

Anthony tells us how nice it was to take some time out and enjoy the scenery, because when you’re so malnourished that your organs are beginning to consume themselves, it’s good to look at pretty stuff. It’s why Third World countries still enter the Miss Universe Pageant.

Back at camp, Yau-man is having some trouble digging and only has a small hole in the ground. He eventually concedes defeat for the day and fills it in, attempting to make it look like he never dug at all. Sorry, Yau-man. Wait until Moto wins a backhoe at the next reward challenge. Then you can steal it, and they’ll all be sorry!

Speaking of Moto, we get shots of a dirty camp as Stacy brings the Reward Challenge clue back. Maybe they fired their maid? She was stealing, I bet. Lisi definitely seems like one of those people that counts the stemware to make sure this does not happen. The clue comes with a catalog with all sorts of stuff in it, from essentials (like a sack of potatoes) to luxuries (like a giant chocolate cake). The clue tells them to pick two things that they’d like to compete for. Boo and Lisi are oohing and aahing over the prospect of having some toiletries as we head over to Ravu, who are also flipping through their catalog. Rocky really, really wants to pick one thing they want and one thing they need, but Earl puts the kibosh on that pretty quickly. Rocky’s like, “But daaaaaaaaaad, I want some caaaake!” all WHINY (hypocrite), and then he throws himself on the ground and pounds his fists into the dirt. Earl explains his logic, telling us that over at Moto, it’s like Fresh Prince of Bel Air, while at Ravu, it’s Good Times. Does that make Lisi Carlton Banks? Pop an argyle sweater on her, let’s do this thing. The part of Uncle Phil will be played today by the Immunity Idol.

At the Reward Challenge, which is taking place in a giant mud pit (awesome), Jeff calls the tribes in. There has been a moratorium on stupid straw hats today, because both Jeff’s and Lisi’s are nowhere to be found. Boo is chewing on a piece of mango as Moto enters the arena, and Jeff takes this opportunity to harass Rocky, asking him how that makes him feel. Rocky? Has “fire coming out of his eyes”. This causes Dreamz to laugh, well-versed as he is at identifying a clumsy mixed metaphor. Rocky’s then like “Laugh it up, Dreamz!” which is the worst comeback ever, and it causes the whole Moto tribe (and me on the couch) to crack up laughing, because he is a spaz and lame.

“And also, just to make this more embarrassing, the winning tribe gets to pants the losing tribe.”

The challenge today is the awesome sparring thing from Palau, where people get to hold bags and face off on an elevated platform trying to knock each other off into the mud. First tribe to seven wins reward, which is not only the stuff that you picked from the catalog, but also the stuff that the other team picked from the catalog. Evil! Ravu has chosen a pot full of potatoes and the fishing gear that Ravu already has two sets of, and Moto has chosen a coffee/tea set and some toiletries. And of course, a member of the losing tribe goes to Exile.

Dreamz cannot resist taking a dig at Rocky some more, so he goes, “Yeah, fishing gear!” after Jeff reveals Ravu’s chosen items, like he’s looking forward to having another set. Lame, but I would not be able to resist doing that either, given that Rocky is a freakin’ mook. I would have been like, “Man, we’ve already got two sets of that. I guess we’ll have to use the fishing line to hang our laundry from! I bet the net makes a really comfortable hammock in which we can enjoy our plentiful fruit.”

But Rocky freaks out nonetheless, because that’s what he does. I’d just like to point out before this continues that you know it’s time to reassess when Dreamz gains the mental advantage. Anyway, Rocky tells Dreamz to put up or shut up and challenges him to the first round. Dreamz just shrugs, looks at Jeff like, “Are you sure? You know I’m going to kick his ass, right?” and then gets up onto the platform. Rocky starts doing jumping jacks and stuff to prepare, because he is an idiot. I seriously don’t know who to root for here. But I can tell you that I was on my couch clapping and cheering in anticipation. I know I was not the only one.

The Clash of the Titans begins; after about five seconds, the fact that Dreamz has about thirty pounds on Rocky, the fact that Dreamz has been eating and Rocky hasn’t, and especially (and this is key) the fact that Rocky has no semblance of strategy and is a big old giant flailing spaz with no plan gets the best of him, and he is backed up against the edge of the platform. Dreamz just waits until Rocky makes a random move that exposes his upper-half and then Dreamz shoves him, IN THE HEAD, off the platform. And it is awesome. Dreamz might be a little unaware of everything in general, but Rocky is just an ass, so I think this is the proper outcome. Moto cheers as Rocky looks pissed and like he is about to cry (man, I have been writing that a lot lately. Wonder why?), and Dreamz hefts his pad in the air in celebration and poses on the platform triumphantly.

The next round is Cassandra against Rita, and this is when you realize that Ravu has no strategy whatsoever. It’s obvious that they can choose the matchups because of the Rocky/Dreamz Bout of Assy Monikers, so why are they doing this? Waste one point on Rocky’s hubris, waste another on poor strategy. I don’t understand; it’s like they want to lose. Anyway:

So yeah, the score is now 2-0, Moto. The next round is Edgar vs. Anthony, and AGAIN it is a poor matchup. I know that Moto has more big guys, but COME ON. This would have been a better matchup for Rocky; put some cannon fodder against Dreamz and concede the point, and then try your damndest to get the points where you can, god. It’s like, you know the part in any number of movies with the savage beating, where about sixteen guys beat on somebody in slow motion, and kick him in the stomach while he cries, and it’s really, really hard to watch and tragic and you feel terrible? The Friday Night Lights episode where Riggins got beat up, Fight Club, any number of Rocky movies, ironically. This is exactly like that. And just as horrifying and painful to watch.

So, by the time the matchups are even (Boo vs. Earl, Mookie vs. Alex), the platform is so slippery from all the mud that it’s not even about the matchup anymore, it’s about who can stay up the longest. Again, poor, POOR strategy by Ravu. Front load the competition with even matchups; it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this would happen to the platform. I hate to say this, you guys, but they deserve to lose. They could have won this, it is entirely their fault. Even with the whole food advantage. No thought process goes into this at all. It’s like being around Rocky gives them all Type I Spaz Disease and they can’t think. Also maybe Hepatitis.

Pretty soon, it’s 6-0, Moto. They only need one more point to shut Ravu out completely. Embarrassing. And Shakespearean! The final round is Yau-man versus Stacy. Lisi goes, “BULLDOZE HIM!” with her typical mix of subtlety and grace.

Dear Lisi’s face and stupid bag: please leave Michelle alone. Love, Michelle.

Stacy gets Yau backed up against the edge, but then he makes a heroic comeback and knocks her down. Since it’s impossible to get back up once you’re down due to the mud, Yau slides her off the edge. Point for Ravu! Now this is much less embarrassing for them. Right? Anybody?

Yau-man is like, “Way to pick on a little girl, me.” Considering that Ravu is the little girl in the tribal equation right now and Moto is the giant man-bully, I probably wouldn’t feel so bad. Take the points where you can get them, Chivalry McOldman.

Now, for some reason, the rematch is Cassandra vs. Rita, who was beaten freakin’ severely last time she was up there, so this does not make much sense. Of course, Cassandra walks up and gives her one shove, and Rita slides off the edge of the platform like a silicone shuffleboard puck. Moto wins, again. They win all the stuff, including their third set of fishing gear, and Earl is going to Exile Island. This is tragic.

Back at Moto, the tribe is celebrating their Reward Challenge win. Dreamz tries to participate in the celebration, but they shut him out, to which he replies, “That’s okay, ya’ll don’t have to talk to me.” That’s gotta hurt, to be shut out like that, but he maybe shouldn’t have talked so much that he caused their eardrums to rupture during the first three days. They’re probably used to tuning him out, honestly, especially after we saw him speak in tongues last week all “SNAKE VOTE SNAKE SNAKE IMMUNITY CASSANDRA SNAKE”.

Now the part where I begin to feel sorry for Dreamz. I can’t believe I just wrote that. As Dreamz tries to make the coffee they won and continues to fail (he mistakes it for instant, when it is supposed to be French Pressed with the equipment they got), Stacy watches with a disgusted face on, like Dreamz is a pariah or something. Did I say she was hot last week? I take it back. As Stacy tells us that Dreamz and Cassandra know they’re on the outside and are going to be picked off, she makes faces at Dreamz’ back and offers no assistance to him, even though she says she knows how to do it, and even after Alex bugs her to help Dreamz. So spiting Dreamz is more important than keeping him from wasting the finite amount of coffee you have? That is some serious bile right there. And, what does it say about this season that we’ve gone from “If I saw you in the desert, and you were dying of thirst, I would not give you a drink” to “If you had some coffee, and didn’t know how to make it, I would not help you, even if I knew how.”

Alex tells us how rude Lisi and Stacey are to the outsiders, and how if they’re not nice it’s definitely going to come around and bite their Alliance of Five in the ass. He tells us how the game is all about karma, which: not true. It has almost nothing to do with karma. See also: Johnny Fairplay. Oh, and Jenna Morasca.

Earl arrives at Exile Island and gets the fifth clue, which says, “Seriously, I cannot believe you jackasses haven’t found this thing by now. You want it to dig itself out of the ground and wave at you with its little withered voodoo hand?” He talks more about his alliance with Yau-man, and how hopefully Earl will get his turn to look for the idol soon.

At Ravu after the Reward Challenge, Mookie and Rocky are trying to take a nap while Rita and Michelle commiserate with each other. Rita says she’s sorry she’s not a good sumo, and then makes an Austin Powers reference and cracks herself up. Really? REALLY? Who still laughs at Fat Bastard? That’s like laughing at the Dancing Baby at this point. I bet she watches According to Jim. While Rita and Michelle argue the relative merits of Till Death and Rules of Engagement (David Spade, you are my mortal enemy), Rocky and Mookie become more and more angry at them for their refusal to shut up. Talk turns to lip gloss and ethnic skin tone and whatnot, and the boys are becoming more and more annoyed, particularly Rocky, who we know cannot stand annoying broads from last week. I mean, the girls should probably be smart enough to go talk somewhere where people are not trying to sleep, but it’s not like it’s out of the ordinary for everyone to be lying around like this. Ravu does not specialize in kinetic movement when they’re at camp. Or at challenges, really. Zing!

There is then a very humorous segment over at Moto where Alex tries to explain to his other alliance members that even if they win the rest of the immunity challenges and merge at 10, then the score will be Moto 7, Ravu 3. This means that Cassandra and Dreamz could “deflect” and tie the game, which is true. However, he’s looking for the word “defect” because I doubt that Dreamz and Cassandra are going to be blocking oncoming sword swipes anytime soon, unless there is a really cool immunity challenge.

However, Alex has a point, which he tries to explain to his alliance members. Their reactions, in order: Lisi goes, “So?” Boo looks confused like “What?” and Stacy is all, “When now?” Ha. They’re like the See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil monkeys, except more annoying. Alex has obviously seen the Marquesas season and does not want to end up like John, Tammy, Zoe, and The General. Defeated by a tiny Mormon! That is the worst way to go!

So Alex tries to tell his buddies to play nice with Cassandra and Dreamz, to which they all begrudgingly agree, even though Stacy just wants to shut them out completely. Yeah, that will help. What follows is so obvious that even Dreamz picks it up, and his social skills are equivalent to those of Oscar the Grouch. Dreamz returns to the shelter and Alex starts this big diatribe about how they’re all a tribe together, and they may fight, but the goal is to decimate Ravu. Then Stacy is like, “So are we all solid?” with this big giant fake soccer mom smile, and it is ridiculous in its falsity.

Dreamz plays along, even using the term “genocide” to describe their goal (which is unfortunate, and I am not even touching that), but in confessional, he tells us that he doesn’t buy it. In fact, Dreamz and Cassandra have already picked up on the fact that they’re the outsiders, and Dreamz tells us that they are indeed planning on deflecting when they get the opportunity. Oh, man. If Dreamz is the instrument of Lisi’s demise, I may actually have to start rooting for him. And then we can all live in upside-down world and pay for things with garbage and cows will eat us for dinner and cars, they will drive us! It will be crazy. While Stacy continues her fake cheer-tatorship, we go to commercial as Dreamz rolls his eyes, straight Jennifer style, yo.

Hatwatch 2007 continues as both Jeff’s dumb hat and Lisi’s dumb hat make a triumphant resurgence at the Immunity Challenge. Because the season so far has been entirely too stimulating, today’s challenge is going to be a glorified came of Concentration. New, from the people that brought you unnecessary starvation and general inertia! There are 30 boards total; there are 13 pairs and 4 extra trap squares that have no matches at all. The first tribe to seven wins today’s challenge. Oh, and Heir Probstenschtien’s German Schoolteacher Rule of the Day is that once the person who is taking the turn steps off of the tribe’s platform, no one can speak or offer help, so you’d better have your turn planned out. Also, and this is not mentioned, Jeff will also be heckling the shit out of you throughout your turn just to fuck with you and make you forget.

Moto wins the coin toss and will be going first, of course. It’s mostly luck at the beginning, with the tribes going back and forth revealing squares. Cassandra gets lucky on Moto’s second turn and gets a match, randomly. In regular Concentration, when you get a match, you get another turn. This keeps the game from being too one-sided with one person exposing squares and the other person taking advantage to expose matches. But since this is season is Survivor: One-Sided, the other team will take its turn even after a match. This rule contributes to another point for Moto, and the score is now 2-0, Moto. Eventually Ravu gets a break when Stacy makes an error, but Yau-man is tired from not eating and cannot make the exposed match. This gets Lisi really excited, and then: the best thing in the history of this show, and possibly ever, happens. It’s like, The Fall of the Berlin Wall, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and this, right here.

Lisi goes out to make the match that Yau-man exposes, and she steps off the platform super excited, ready to laugh in Moto’s face for their stupidity. She gets about three steps off of the platform, trips, and fucking faceplants right into the ground. She doesn’t even catch herself or anything, she just falls on her face. And it: is AWESOME. I just watched the whole thing for what must be the fiftieth time, and it is still just as hilarious. I busted out laughing like Rita at Fat Bastard!

And then, it gets even more awesome. Because the other Moto members are afraid to get off of the platform for fear of losing their turn, nobody goes to help her up. She just lays there, face down, waiting for somebody to help her for like fifteen seconds. I take this time to write a long, adoring thank-you note to the editors at CBS and the good people who invented the eight second rewind button on my remote control.

I actually had this blown up and put in black and white, and it is now framed in my living room.

I used to tell my friends that whenever I feel down, I just watch Cheaters because it’s always hilarious and trashy, and there is always something to laugh at. Now? I just think of this, and it brightens my day a little. Some people have those posters with the cats hanging from tree branches, and I get this, right here.

I want to move on, but it’s so, so hard. I just want to recap that ten seconds for the next fifty years. Anyway, then it gets EVEN BETTER. Lisi struts over to the first board of the recently exposed match and reveals it, and then she moves toward what she thinks is the second part of the match, all smirks and smartass. But, she goes to the wrong one, and Moto gasps. And because they made a noise, Jeff DISQUALIFIES THEM. I add Jeff to my thank-you note list. To top it all off, Earl walks out, flips the first part of the same match, and then goes to the second board, stares Moto right in the face, gets this look like, “You just got served,” and then grabs the point for Ravu. I might have a heart attack, this is so awesome. Best game of Concentration ever.

So then we get a montage of people making matches, and soon the score is 6-6. This means that there is one actual match left, and four boards with no matches. The tribe that makes the last match wins immunity.

It’s like he’s captioning himself!

After Michelle and Edgardo fail to make a match, Rocky gets a turn to end it. A couple of people on Ravu seem to know what to do here, but soon everyone is talking in Rocky’s ear. However, the general consensus from the discussion you can hear is that the board with a 9 is the match. So Rocky goes out and flips the first 9; however, then Rocky the Spaz inevitably takes over, and he can’t remember where to go. He wanders over to a board, flips it…and mismatches. God, so frustrating! Cassandra, then heads out, makes the match, and wins the challenge for Moto. Arguably Rocky’s fault, again. For those of you scoring at home, both challenge losses this episode can now be attributed to Rocky.

Now back at Camp Kazakhstan, Ravu is tasked with voting yet another person out of their tribe. To Rocky’s credit, he takes responsibility for the Immunity Challenge loss. To Rocky’s discredit, he then bitches about the communication style of his team, which he created by constantly flapping is jaw at EVERY CHALLENGE SO FAR. Anthony tells us that getting rid of Rocky would probably get rid of a lot of tension on the tribe, and: YES. Please do that. It’s the smart thing to do, honestly, and would help with the tribe unity so, so much. If the counter argument is that Ravu needs his strength, I would like to direct you to his giant goose egg at almost every challenge, so that’s out. When you can’t focus strength, what good is it?

Anthony and Rocky discuss Rita’s constant jawing. Anthony wisely recognizes this as a chance to get the attention off of him and focus it on someone else, so he goes along with it. I don’t want to touch the gender issues here, but I bet if you lined all of Rocky’s words up in a straight line, they would reach to the next continent over, I’m just saying. It’s sort of like the Sylvester Stallone knock-off calling the Penelope Cruz knock-off black, there.

Yau-Man, Michelle and Mookie discuss the vote, and Yau-man says basically he doesn’t care between Rita or Anthony, because “neither will change the way this tribe operates.” Because the way you’ve been operating has worked so well to this point? Question asked and answered, right there. Get rid of Rocky, god!

Anyway, the three of them grab Rita and settle on booting Anthony, but Rocky calls Mookie away for a second. Turns out that he really, really wants to get rid of Rita because he’s tired of listening to her, which is a great reason to get rid of someone on Day 14. I think I had esteem for him at one point, and now it is but a distant memory.

Tribal council! Yau-man explains how he blanked at the challenge and couldn’t remember something he saw 30 seconds before, and how he hopes it is a temporary condition. Given that Ravu keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, I am inclined to think that it is not. They are basically a walking version of Memento at this point. Jeff asks Earl if the reasons why people are being booted have changed, and Earl says that while before any little thing could get you booted, now it’s about tribe chemistry and working as a group. Which is why they’re going to get rid of Rocky, right? RIGHT?

Time to vote! We see Rita vote for Anthony and Anthony vote for Rita. Jeff goes to tally the votes. After two votes each for Anthony and Rita, the next three are for Rita, and she is done for. That makes four girls in four votes for Ravu. As Rita gets up to have her torch snuffed, Rocky tries to console Michelle by putting his hand on her shoulder. What he is trying to say: “Sorry we didn’t tell you.” What he is actually saying: “You have lady parts, and so you are doomed.”

After Jeff snuffs Rita, he tells Ravu to Hang In There! Obviously taking a cue from Angela’s Dunder-Mifflin posters, there. Given that Jeff is so uptight about the rules this season, maybe he’s angling for a guest spot on The Office as Angela’s creepy brother or something.

So, I know Ravu is losing constantly, but I was actually pretty entertained by this episode. I mean, this season is no Cook Islands, so far, but the challenges were particularly tense this week, especially for a game of Concentration, and the inter-tribe drama is obviously enough to cause tension down the line. I think we’re just in the lull here. People thought Cook Islands was boring around this time, too. What do you all think? Oh, and Survivor isn’t on next week, obviously because the producers knew I would be on vacation in Vegas. It’s on Wednesday in two weeks, when there looks to be a tribal shakeup, which is sorely, sorely needed. See you guys in two weeks!