Finale, Part 3: Dreamz and the Moustache of Destiny

When we last met, Earl had taken all nine votes and won the million dollars, and it was pretty sweet. Has Cassandra shined her water shoes for the event? Will Lisi randomly fall off of the stage? Will Dreamz fade into obscurity after this? And who’s Erica?We begin with a montage of Earl being awesome. There’s Earl being awesome and killing the only snake! There’s Earl on Earl Island! There’s Earl pissed about Mookie’s ouster! There’s Earl finding the hidden idol!

Probst mentions that Earl won when he didn’t even know he was going on the show until about two days before he left. Earl mentions that he hadn’t even seen the show since the first season, which earns a jeer from the crowd. Of course, now that he’s won, he’s a huge fan of the show. Things I could win and still dislike: Parcheesi, a putting your foot in your mouth contest, a “who still watches The Apprentice” competition, the Republican Party Presidential Nomination.

Jeff asks Earl about his bond with Yau-man, which Earl says was formed on Day 1. A wide pan of all of the contestants shows Dreamz, still completely devastated that he did not win. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.

Earl mentions that their agreement lasted until close to the end, at which point it would be “every man for himself”. As I said, this is why Earl and Yau-manruled so much; to them, it really was a game, and their friendship existed outside of that. Earl voted Yau-man out, but no hard feelings. Respect to them for that.

Earl tells Jeff that he was shocked when Dreamz decided to keep his necklace (this story has been consistent the entire time, so I am inclined to believe him), and he said that he was already trying to come up with arguments in his head about why he should win instead of Yau-man, so he was frankly relieved not to have to compete against him. He says that when Dreamz went back on his deal, he was immediately like, “Wow, I just won a million dollars!” He is awesome.

Jeff does the little experiment that he enjoys doing in situations like this where he asks how many jurors would have voted for Yau-man if he had been in the finals against Earl. Boo, Mookie, Alex, Stacy, and Rocky raise their hands, so that would be enough to give Yau-man the million dollars. Oh, and Lisi raises her hand at the last second. Her hair, by the way, is phenomenal. She looks like Cousin It, but if Cousin It were a walking mullet.

Jeff starts to harass Dreamz about how he changed three lives: he cost himself a million bucks (lies! He was never going to get it!), he cost Yau-man a million bucks (true), and he gave Earl a million bucks. Earl is like “Thanks!” and shakes Dreamz’ hand sarcastically. Way to rub it in, guys! Also, thanks for rubbing it in!

Dreamz will be getting the third degree from Jeff about everything when we return. But first (oh Julie Chen, I will see you soon. Can’t wait!), we get a clip package entitled Fiji: The Season of Falls. Gary falls (ouch!), Lisi falls on her face (tasty!), Boo’s hammock collapses (shoddy craftsmanship!), Mookie runs smack into the wall during the blindfold challenge (satisfying!) Michelle falls (glad she’s okay!).

When we come back, Dreamz is talking about being homeless (Holy crap, he was homeless? Why didn’t someone tell me?) and then there are clips from those two or three episodes where he was awesome. Remember when he asked how many white people were participating? When he gave the thumbs-up to the camera and voted out Lisi? When he kicked Rocky’s ass during the sumo challenge? Then the “soliloquy” moment in which he totally faced Lisi, which was awesome. Then more crap about what a good person he was. Wow, that was his entire journey! I hated him, then I thought he was cool, then I became ridiculously frustrated with him. All in the span of thirty seconds! It’s exactly the same process that I went through with the Taco Bell Chihuahua, the Noid, and Making the Band.

Jeff asks Dreamz about being homeless. I black out. When I come to, it’s over. Convenient! Dreamz talks about how hard it was to separate his friends from the game, and also how he made friends with Earl on the first day (Earl’s face: “We did?”) and how he made a final five pact with Earl and Cassandra on Day 1 (Earl’s face: “We did?”) and how when he was over at Moto, how he hoped Earl would remember him and how he spent his days writing sonnets in iambic pentameter about how much they undoubtedly missed each other. (Earl’s face: “You did? I bet they suck.”)

Jeff asks Dreamz if he knew all along what was he was doing, or if he was flying by the seat of his pants. Why are you even asking him? We know the answer. You know the answer, Jeff. Way to ask the only guy who DOESN’T know the answer.

Dreamz, predictably, wavers all over the place. It should be noted that he’s also sporting a moustache that exists only at the very top of his upper lip, like he’s a walking version of the drawing from that episode of The Office where Pam is asked to sketch the sex offender, so she just draws Dwight with a creepy moustache. Jeff tries to reword the question, like the question is the problem. No dude, he doesn’t want to tell you the real answer, so he’s pulling random nouns out of the air. So now Jeff grows frustrated with Dreamz. Line forms to the left, yo.

Jeff (slowly): “Did. You. Know. What. You. Were. Doing. Just answer the question!”
Dreamz: “Silicon extra value meal Tiananmen Square three for a dollar According to Jim ruby red grapefruit parachute pants Viet Cong Army.”

So Jeff starts to reword the question AGAIN, and Dreamz is like, “I don’t understand what you’re asking!” which cracked me up, because seriously? He doesn’t. That’s the funny part. Think about that. A question that requires an honest, yes or no answer generates an ERROR 404 in the brain of Dreamz.

Jeff says, “This is what it was like, for thirty-nine days! And I still haven’t pulled out all my hair!” And that’s actually worthy of applause, because I’m pretty sure I’d have a hard time not form tackling the guy.

Jeff: “I’m just going to ask the person who made your decisions for you. Cassandra, was Dreamz making this up as he went along or was he playing the part of a guy making this up?” of course, Cassandra tows Dreamz’ party line and says that he was actually planning this the entire time. Oh, Cassandra. I expect more out of you than that. So she talks about how they made decisions together and how they collaborated, and I totally don’t buy any of it, but whatever. She then talks about how amazed she was that Dreamz could get back into the good graces of the people that he screwed over with relatively little trouble. That’s actually true. I was pretty amazed by that, too.

Jeff’s face is like, “I don’t buy it, but I needs must move on, or we will be caught in an endless struggle for supremacy and I am contractually obligated to ask how Jessica’s doing. But I am onto you!”

Jeff moves on to the truck issue, and we get a recap of the whole truck deal, which conveniently includes Dreamz telling us in confessional that he’s fully planning on living up to his end of the deal, and then breaking the deal. Back from the clip package, the audience loudly boos Dreamz, and in my favorite moment of the whole reunion, Boo looks up like, “Who, me? Hi everybody!” and then he does the most hilarious cartoonish pageant wave ever.

Jeff prefaces the next question by telling Dreamz he wants a direct answer. “Were you planning on screwing over Yau-man from the get go?” Dreamz starts pulling nouns out of the air again, but Jeff will not let him weave his web of confusion again, so Dreamz admits that when he took the truck, he really wasn’t thinking about the consequences, but he kind of started stewing after the fact and tried to get rid of Yau-man because he knew he’d be screwed. Then he starts equivocating again, so Jeff gets even more direct and asks him, AT THE MOMENT THAT HE TOOK THE DEAL, was he planning on keeping it? Dreamz, of course, answers no, which is a lie. Lies, lies, lies! Everyone and their mom knows that he’s lying, so people just start laughing incredulously at his audacity, including the other contestants. Dreamz tells Jeff that he never intended on keeping the deal. More lies! Just admit that you were planning on keeping it at that point and changed your mind later! Excuse me while I go flip over some furniture. I’m seriously about to Hulk out.

Now it’s Yau-man’s turn. We get a little clip package of Yau being awesome, and the audience gives him a nice round of applause. Turns out that Yau-man believed that Dreamz was going to keep his word, right up until the last few minutes. Convenient! That’s when I thought he made that choice, too. Yau-man tells Jeff that he was pretty impressed with Dreamz on the island, and that he’s a very smart guy but “so totally undisciplined in his thinking”. THANK YOU! Exactly. Yau-man literally says that “things just…come out of his head” and he makes fountain motions with his hands. Didn’t I write that exact phrase in a recap some weeks ago?

Jeff expresses his frustration that Yau-man played perfectly for thirty-six days, and when the time came he did nothing to try to make Dreamz live up to his word. Yau-man says that his “stubborn streak” and that he had trouble convincing himself that Dreamz wouldn’t live up to his word. Well, by the time Dreamz had made the choice, it was too late. And the truck deal was really one of very few moves available to Yau; he was probably screwed at F4 anyway, honestly. Yau-man admits that he was wrong, because it is sort of his fault. Which it is. Live by the awesome, die by the awesome, I guess.

After the commercial, it’s time to talk to Rocky. And who hasn’t been looking forward to visiting with him one more time? There is a Rocky montage. Clip 1 is him being a jackass. Clip 2? Is him being a jackass. And it goes on.

Probst calls him a “go to guy” for confessionals, because he always had something to say. Jeff wants to know what the fan reaction to Rocky was. Rocky tells Jeff that they’re usually really friendly, and he’s nice to them (even the GURRULS) because he’d had a sandwich that day (which, admittedly, made me laugh), and also that he “got to meet Jeff Probst”, so that was good. Man, he made me laugh twice. Which is two more times than he made me laugh after episode two.

Jeff brings up Anthony, and I really, really don’t want to get into this again. It was lame the first time, and it’s lame now. And there is a clip package for the Rocky/Anthony business, too. Wow, thanks for letting us all relive those moments! So heartwarming.

Turns out that they sort of don’t mind each other now. Anthony is wearing the same stupid hat he wore on the island. Also he is really, really nervous. He’s unable to form complete sentences nervous. If you’ve ever been that kind of nervous before, you will know that is it not fun. Uncomfortable to watch!

Jeff moves onto Alex, which is the only way to trend downward from where we just were, and mocks him for being in full-on “lawyer mode” during the final tribal. I…am not touching that. Jeff wants to know why Alex trusted Dreamz, and he basically says that he didn’t have an option, because the other option: was Lisi. Man, if someone asked me to choose between Dreamz and Lisi, my answer would always be Spanish Inquisition. Every. Single. Time.

Speaking of Lisi! Jeff continues the tour of douchebags (Seriously, wouldn’t you want to, like, spread out the ass clown? I realize that there’s a lot to get to, but going Rocky-Alex-Lisi is overwhelming my immune system. I just got hypothermia and it’s like seventy degrees outside) and moves onto her. He would like to know if the person we saw is really her, or if she was being extra-crazy. You will be shocked to hear that there is no extra crazy, that’s original recipe Lisi. Ask her about falling on her face! If he had done that, I would have applauded. “So, what were you thinking after you fell on your face in front of 15 million people?”

He also credits Lisi for being a “go to guy” as well, but: who cares. Also, and this is really scary, but in every interview Lisi has had, she’s talked about how much she is in love with Boo. Not even kidding. She wants to have his babies. So, all you girls who think Boo is cute: you and Lisi have something in common! Enjoy that thought.

Jeff asks Boo about his knee, which Jeff swears to God was as loud as we heard on TV and there was no sound effect inserted. What he did not tell you was that they bugged his patella. Boo’s ACL is torn. Ouch! Jeff propers Michelle for making her own fire, and everyone gives her a round of applause. Again, she looks hot. Hi, Michelle!

Ed’s turn. Jeff asks him about being blindsided and gives Dreamz credit for it. WRONG! Dreamz gave up the information about Alex and Mookie and was sort of the catalyst, but since information was coming willy-nilly out of his nostrils at that point, no one trusted him. Probst should be thanking Stacy and Earl, actually. Ed says something about how much he loves his family, but it’s boring and irrelevant.

Speaking of boring and irrelevant, after the commercial, it’s time to talk to the top row! Jeff asks Gary about being evacuated, and he talks about how he had an allergic reaction to the fire ant bites, and then he shows off his new tattoo, which is a giant, and I mean GIANT, Survivor: Fiji logo. I actually have a similar one from that time when I was on Paradise Hotel, but we won’t talk about that.

Mookie talks about how much it sucked to have to keep going to tribal council. What he does not mention was that it was largely his fault for scapegoating anyone with girly parts. Jeff harasses Stacy about the challenge where everyone hated her, and she talks about how it changed her and how she tried to be nicer, and I will say this: she did an excellent job after that happened. We never saw her throwing a fit, or acting like a baby or letting it get to her, so kudos to her for that. Dreamz is off camera in the front row like, “Where’s your coffee now, fool?”

Jeff talks about how Liliana actually gained 20 pounds to come be on the show. Liliana looks extremely, and I do mean extremely, attractive as she talks about how she did gain weight because she was planning on being there for awhile, but then she ended up at Camp Cozy, and then got voted out and didn’t have to worry about it, so it sucked to lose it all again. Seriously, she is gorgeous. And cool. I think we all missed out on a pretty cool chick when she got voted out early. Not that she was visible before that. Rita (who maybe has some new plastic surgery) talks about how proud her kids are of her. That she got knocked off early? Awesome! The coolest part is that the camera guys in the audience show her kids, and sitting next to them is Uncle Nick from Project Runway! And he’s actually their Uncle, because he’s Rita’s brother! How cool is that? That made me think of Santino, which made me think of Andrae and Tim at the Red Lobster, which was awesome and hilarious. I know, I’m random.

Sylvia talks about how she got a building put onto the HD Network or something. Not cool, ask her about swimming in place during the slip-n-slide challenge! All you need to know about Erica is that I think her face is stuck like that. And Jessica made friends during the three days that she was there, or something. I don’t know. More mocking Dreamz!

And now a preview of next season, which is taking place in China. That’s actually…pretty cool. We’ll be away from the beach for a little while, and I have a feeling everyone will be back to eating nothing but rice. Also, China is a communist country, so it’s perfect for a thirty-nine day Machiavellian power struggle. Interesting fact: Chinese food originated in China.

Before we leave for the season, Earl gives his mom half the money. Man, he rules. Bye, guys! It’s been a fun season! Except for all the dumb hats!

And that’s it for Survivor: Fiji. Overall, a lot of fun. Also I just want to take a second to say thanks to everyone who reads the recaps. It’s been a really fun season, and I’m glad that I’ve gotten to write for you all. See you next season! Or maybe…before that?