MiniCap: Survivor

30 Comments

1. 1
   itchy
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 2:30 pm

   I can answer that last question: It’s drool. Definitely drool. What else would one put on a beard schlong?

   Speaking of schlongs…. What the hell is that thing poking out of Hantz’s ear? Not to mention one of the worst tat jobs I’ve ever seen. This guy has gone full-bore douchebag since the last time he was on.

   I wish they’d just gone with “favorites” for the entire cast. That way they could just dispense with pretending that they’ll bother to give us even a smidgen of information about the other tribe. Other than that giant ass Shamar. I’d shoot myself in the head if I had to spend a month with him.

   But damn, I hope they vote Phillip out really quickly so we can see at least one or two of the other people on this show.

2. 2
   crankyguy
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 3:01 pm

   Uncle Russell must have had a tête-à-tête with Li’l Hantz before he shipped out and laid down the law. Li’l Hantz WILL be Russell’s Mini-Me or don’t even bother coming back to the States.

3. 3
   Miss Molly
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 3:40 pm

   Shamar “I did two tours in Iraq” … and I am willing to bet he did them both on his back.

4. 4
   Clair
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 4:12 pm

   Regarding the Lil Hantz tattoos… They’re grrrrreat!

5. 5
   Aunt Dorsey
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 4:33 pm

   Okay, I wanna know just how many Article 15s Shamoo earned during his 16 tours of Iraq while he was so busy goldbricking and staying hydrated? I worked with a lot of buffoons like secret pinkpantyman Philip during all the years I worked for the gov’ment at the Pentagon and elsewhere. They were usually “promoted” sideways from department to department because nobody wanted them, and they were hell to get rid of. Even inept crazy fools are impossible to fire.

   Please, please, please let ALL the douche bags stay until the merge and let them have a Hantz off. Let the nice Mormon lady English professor and the other eye candy be picked off first. Save Cockring and the other spincter muscles for the main course. Right now, I’m rooting for beard schlong and the party planner.

   My deepest wish (quavered with hands prayerfully clasped against ample bazooms) is for a survivor with all the worst Real Hosewives of Blavo on one island with Miss Andy as one of them. Please make it so.

6. 6
   Tibi
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 4:37 pm

   Phillip is the most disgusting person they have ever had on the show. Why can’t the man put on some pants like all the others. Why they didn’t vote this loser out is beyond comprehension.

7. 7
   Aunt Dorsey
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 6:59 pm

   Philip was Boston Rob’s goat. Like a goat, he was too stoopid to know he was a goat. He thought he was a super-secret stealth agent. At least my goats are smarter than Philip is. They think they’re dawgs.

8. 8
   Mike Hunt
   Posted February 21, 2013 at 10:23 pm

   I can’t for the life of me figure out who in the hell would pick Agent Pinkymon as a Favorite??? If this ignorant POS thinks he is going to Boston Rob his way through this season. He is only fooling himself. He don’t make a pimple on Boston Rob’s ass!!! The only half asses intelligent thing Ball Baby Brandon Hantz has said to date is that Agent Pinkymon needs to go!!! At least he ain’t balling his eyes out ever time he turns around. Yet!!! If he goes and pees in the rice or any other disgusting thing he puts his feeble little mind to. Then I hope the asshole goes straight to Jail. That’s where he probably needs to be anyways…

   Last week it looked like the Fans side had come to fight. Who would have thought that it was only going to be with each other??? As long as these dumbasses keep having dissension amongst themselves. The only place they are going is home!!! They should have voted Shamu off because he is just going to go back to camp and make a complete ass out of himself and get voted off next week. Lazy ass don’t want to help do anything at camp so what good is he???

   Hope this season will turn around soon here and give us something to watch. So far it’s not looking to good. It is still early though so I wont lose hope just yet…..

9. 9
   itchy
   Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:41 am

   Phillip is a “favorite” just like Russell Hantz was “the greatest Survivor player ever.” But as Chooch pointed out the other day, all of the Flavorites were given costumes to wear — it’s what they wore on their original season, apparently. So, while it’s possible Phillip chose to wear those things again, it’s more likely it was written into his contract.

   Probst claims he’s surprised that Shamar turned out to be a lazy whiner. But Probst is full of shit — I think they knew Shamar would be a divisive, annoying bully and it’s precisely why he was cast. There’s a video of him at an Occupy Wall Street rally where he’s yelling at a bunch of (extremely bored-looking cops) in front of a group of confused shoppers while constantly glancing over to make sure he’s still in the camera frame. It pretty much sums up his whole personality.

10. 10
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 9:42 am

    I am definitely in the minority, but I LOVED Brandon’s heaping of abuse on Dawn. Dawn backstabbed Brandon, Erik, and Brenda because she and Cock Ring were the swing votes, which was Brandon’s whole point. Why did Dawn have a right to cry, when she supposedly was the benefactor of said backstab of Francesca? Dawn is an overemotional moron. What exactly did she expect? For all of his flaws, once Brandon has aligned with someone, he stays aligned to that person or group, even to his own detriment. Brandon’s bipolar, but I love the idea of him disposing of the beans and peeing in the rice. #peeinrice

    Because it seems like the two tribes are playing eerily similar games, with two factions and a couple people in the middle who could bounce between alliances, I’m hoping for a pre-merge shakeup. I am cautiously optimistic about this season, but I fear once all the backstabs, blindsides, and idol play has been made, we’ll be left with a less than satisfactory end (re: similar to Denise winning last season).

11. 11
    crankyguy
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 10:08 am

    You love the idea of Li’l Hantz peeing in the rice? Okay, I love the idea of somebody kicking his bipolar ass into next week if he does that. He would deserve being beaten to within an inch of his worthless life.

12. 12
    sweetblondie
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 10:22 am

    @Itchy: was that Shamoo?!?! I watched that video…wasn’t he on some talk shows too? I wonder if he was recruited by Survivor or just liked the camera so much he thought he’d try a reality show…

13. 13
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 10:24 am

    @crankyguy, a) urine does no harm and b) the rice is being boiled anyway, so the sum total would be Brandon mainly getting his frustrations out (plus, he’d be eating his own piss rice, as well.) I’m curious if the producers would allow him to do such a thing, in the first place.

14. 14
    Mimo
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 10:47 am

    However, if Brandon did pee in the rice – maybe we could get back to playing Survivor instead of “Not Quite Club Med”.

15. 15
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Not eating or eating Pee Rice.

    I would eat the Pee Rice.

16. 16
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    I prefer to think of this season as ‘stumblefucks’ vs. the fans, because none of these bozos were fan favorites and half of them I had to wiki, because I couldn’t remember who the hell they were. ShaMOooo is a gift of pure douchery. I want the chaff to go, and the crazy to stay–at least until the merge. This lame ass season should at least be required to provide some entertainment. Dawn the adoptive Mormon mom of six was a big yawn from her season.

    The challenges at this point are so boring that I put it on mute, otherwise I end up just yelling at the TV for Probst to STFU, which probably doesn’t do my blood pressure any good. (Did my schadenfreude good when his damn talk show was cancelled.) Bring on the nut jobs! More pink panty antics! I want to see Hantzypantz take on Pinkpanties.

17. 17
    itchy
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Pee is sterile… when it first comes out. The problem is that pee breaks down into ammonia (which is part of what makes it stink in the warm hot sun, the other being the bacteria that feed on/bathe in it once it’s nice and warm). So yeah, I’d challenge anyone to eat pee-soaked rice.

    Not to worry, of course, since Survivor has basically turned into Club Med. I’m sure there’s a whole catering table set up just outside of camera range.

    But wasn’t Brandon Mr. Prayer Circle? So he’s had a revelation? Or is that an anti-revelation? Maybe around the time he was getting that Tony the Tiger tattoo? All he did on this episode was confirm what an intolerably epic douchebag he is.

    And yes, that was Shamoo being all belligerent in the video. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmEHcOc0Sys

18. 18
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    @Itchy, thanks for posting the link to ShaMOoooo’s bloviating.

    Those cops were awe-struck by the majesty of his bravura performance. Slow clap. Give that man a bouquet.
    As I said earlier, I would love to see a copy of his military records. I’m sure he earned a medal or two while hydrating.

19. 19
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    I’m bored, so went over to read the profiles, and Malcolm lists this as his Personal Claim to Fame:
    *Once I spent over a month with Abi-Maria Gomes, and I’m still considered legally sane by the State of California.*

    He oughta consider spending time with Scabby as prep work for playing with Hantzy-Pantz and the Pinkpantyman. Malcolm’s still full of himself. He sez he’s *smart, athletic and nice to look at*. He forgot humble.

20. 20
    juddfan
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    How did I miss a Tony the Tiger tattoo? Urine threats are gross . . . . But Kesha could tell you how it tastes . . .

    I would not eat pee soaked rice, but I wouldn’t judge anyone who would .. . .

    Hantz-isms tire me. . .

    And I was mad at CR and Dawn . . . why did they do that, just dumb.

21. 21
    juddfan
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    oh, and Mr. D . . . say hi to Russell, have you let him out of the basement yet?

22. 22
    cattyfan
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Seems like the “favorites” (of the producers) have been coached on how to behave/misbehave. They seem to be caricatures of themselves. Not a compliment.

23. 23
    Robin
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    I would not eat pee soaked rice

    Pee soaked rice is not so nice

    I would hit more than twice

    If they pee in my rice

24. 24
    crankyguy
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    That Shamoo video — I only watched a minute since it didn’t seem to be going anywhere. He’s grandstanding when no one seems to care. He would probably say that he protected dozens of innocent protesters from being killed by vicious cops.

25. 25
    sarcasatire
    Posted February 22, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    When I was a kid, on vacation with my fam, my portly (270 lbs, 6’2″) father decided to go for a swim. My brother and I were at the shallow end of the Holiday Inn pool and my dad papped over to the deep and dived in. Right before he hit the water, my brother let out a big, “Shamuuuuuuuuuu!” just as this big splash rose up.

    One of the funniest moment of my life.

26. 26
    lindaw205
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 10:32 am

    I’m already getting tired of some of the antics of the “favorites”. They’re definitely playing caricatures of themselves. Looks like CBS could look at the ratings and see that people are getting tired of this.

    Brandon seems like he was coached heavily from the older Hantzes but keeps forgetting to stay in character. Or maybe he’s just getting confused by all the other voices he hears.

27. 27
    crankyguy
    Posted February 24, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    @lindaw205, totally agree about Li’l Hantz being coached by the big Hantzes. It’s gone from his previous season where it was “I’m not my Uncle Russell” to “I’m going all Russell on these bitches.”

28. 28
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 11:09 am

    @LindaW205, @crankyguy: I know I may be giving Brandon too much credit, but I doubt he would’ve thought to go “Russell on the tribe” had Francesca not been voted out and Dawn tried to make him “understand things from her point of view.” Brandon may have a tenuous hold on sanity, but he’s definitely loyal and, to his mind, his alliance fell apart before it even had a chance to start. So, I say, Go Russell on their asses.

29. 29
    crankyguy
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    @Derek, please, please, please tell me you are not developing a Mr. Dangerous-like man crush on the Hantzes.

30. 30
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted February 25, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    LOL, no, I won’t go down that rabbit hole; I just kind of feel that he happened to be frustrated by the Francesca vote and spazzed out. It looks like the credits from Wednesday’s episode don’t necessarily bear that out, but I was #teamlilhantz just for this one episode.