Remember how last week was the best episode of the season? Because someone totally annoying and lame got voted out without knowing that it was going to happen? This is even better. This season has gotten awesome, and quick. This week: Lisi spends the entire hour with her foot in her mouth! Dreamz becomes my hero! Earl and Yau-man continue to do awesome stuff!
Day 20 at Ravu. Notice how we never get the post Tribal Council night vision this season? In fact, there is an almost total lack of night vision this season, save for the first couple of episodes. I am thankful for this, because the only thing scarier than Lisi’s crazy eyes are Lisi’s crazy eyes while she looks like one of those monsters from The Descent. Lisi and Dreamz are snoozing while Mookie and Ed discuss the potential location of the hidden idol. Ed tells us that given the clues that Lisi gave to Alex last week, he thinks he has a pretty good idea about where the idol is. So, while Lisi sleeps (in a very flattering ass-out fetal position, I might add) Mookie and Ed dig at her feet.
Now, she has said in interviews that she was awake the entire time this was going on, and that she pretended to be asleep until after they were done, but I think that she is full of shit. If this were true, why didn’t she wake up when they found the idol to get in on the strategy session, thereby inserting herself into their alliance? What are the merits of pretending to be asleep? The answer is: there are none. And also, if you rewatch this scene, she is freaking dead asleep, you can tell. It’s the kind of sleep you have when you’re really tired and completely wiped. That, or really drunk. You know, the kind of sleep that you get after a long night of drinking (and possibly also after the consumption of a large late-night burrito) after which you pass out in your bed, lose ten to fifteen hours, and wake up on the floor in the morning with a bruise on your head and no idea how you got there? And all you really want is a glass of water and an aspirin, but you can’t move up off of the floor because you’re trapped in a complex Chinese Finger Trap of the blankets from your bed and you don’t yet possess the motor skills to unravel yourself, so you lay there helpless for like three hours, pondering your foreign bruises and praying for your roommate or Jesus or FEMA or someone to show up and save you? Not that that’s ever happened to me.
So Lisi is laying there, sleeping like she went on a late night bender, and not five feet from her, freakin’ Mookie digs and finds the idol. It is not nearly as satisfying as when Yau found it. In fact, it is the opposite of satisfying. After a quiet celebration between Mookie, Alex, and Ed, they head off into the woods to discuss some strategy. Note that in the background, Lisi still is not moving. You’d think that she’d at least look up and verify, because they are obviously not paying attention. She’s totally awake. Can’t you tell?
After the credits, Mookie unwraps the idol from its packaging as Alex and Ed look on. Mookie does not kiss the idol. The three of them discuss the potential strategic ramifications of their new discovery, and get this: they decide not to tell Lisi. Because, Ed says “She is an unstable person.” The editors quickly file this clip in the folder marked ‘UNDERSTATEMENTS’. They also decide not to tell Dreamz because they’re afraid he’ll tell Cassandra and the cat will be out of the bag. That Dreamz, such a gossip. He told Buddy Garrity that Coach Taylor was taking the job at Texas Christian!
And now I am picturing Buddy Garrity and Dreamz having brunch together and splitting a tall stack of pancakes and staring into each others’ eyes, and I am woefully off track. Mookie tells us that even though he’s sharing the idol with the other two guys, he’s considering it his and his only. Let’s see how that works out. He goes to fill in the hole from whence the idol came, and Lisi hears the noise and FINALLY wakes up. “Doing a little idol digging?” she says to him, and he looks at her like, “No, I’m searching for treasure. What the hell do you think I’m doing?”
Lisi tells us how she totally faced Mookie by calling him out on his “idol digging”, and she’s all “Is he kidding? You’d have to wake up pretty early to fool an old cat like me.” Okay, so: Lisi’s confessionals throughout this episode are hilarious, and accomplish the dual objective of both exposing her ignorance regarding every aspect of the game of Survivor, and also creating a crazy hubris/schadenfreude combo the likes of which have not been seen on Reality TV in possibly, well…ever. It is so powerful that it almost takes on robotic form and enslaves the human race. I am not lying when I tell you that Lisi’s comments could not be any funnier if Dwight Schrute himself were reciting them. (Okay, so that’s about the only thing that would make them better.) I’m trying to describe it, and remember when she faceplanted? I haven’t mentioned it in a couple of sentences, so you might be having trouble, I know. It’s exactly like that, except she does it WITH WORDS. Over and over again. And it is mystifyingly, mind-bogglingly awesome. Because of this fact (and for many other reasons, including the awesome Rocky boot last week), I submit to you the following hypothesis: at this point in the episode, right here when Lisi first opens her mouth, this season of Survivor goes from okay to completely, explosively, comically awesome. From zero to awesome, just like that.
To add comic insult to comic injury, Lisi decides to dig for the idol. But first, a long, lingering shot of her nasty hairy armpits. Thanks, editors! She chooses the correct spot, but since Mookie has already found it, she’s sort of…digging a hole in the metaphorical sense. Symbolism! It is everywhere. Mookie even offers to give her a hand with the digging, which they are doing with one of the flamethrower things from the arcade reward challenge. Dig to China, fools!
At Moto on Day 20, Boo and Michelle go to fetch the reward challenge clue and come upon a group of Fijian locals. Turns out the reward challenge is a dance competition; each tribe will have to perform a “meke” which is a traditional Fijian dance, and the locals are there to teach them how to do it. They will face off with the other tribe, and a group of judges will decide the winner. Moto has to sit a person out to make the teams even, and Yau-man tells his tribemates that he is “all knees” and will be staying on the sidelines, which is too bad because that could have been hilarious.
A montage of the Survivors learning to meke follows as Alex tells us that they have to win, because they’ve been losing to “a bunch of girls and an old guy”. It’s almost as if working in unison and functioning as a team were more important than having muscles the size of a small Canadian province. I know, dumb, right? Lisi tells us that she really doesn’t take the challenges too seriously, because they don’t really matter. It’s not like they are sustenance-giving or are the catalyst by which you remain in the game or anything. It’s much more fun to sit on the sidelines and heckle others for their inability to do something that you couldn’t do even if you were The Green Lantern, LISI. Boo seems to be having some trouble learning the dance, but Earl compliments him for his effort. The Survivors get dressed up in Fijian garb and paint their faces as Lisi wanders aimlessly around the Ravu camp with this weird look on her face, like she’s getting ready to go scrounging for scraps of hamburger in the dumpster behind the McDonald’s downtown, or scan the ground for some almost-but-not-quite smoked cigarette butts, or poke holes in a black Hefty bag to wear as a parka when it rains or whatever else batshit crazy homeless people do, with their shifty eyes, because that’s exactly how she’s acting right now. Dreamz tells us that he really doesn’t like Lisi because she actually gives homeless people a bad name, the way she acts. Wait, that’s not it. It’s actually because she treated him like shit when they were together on Moto, so he is out to get her. I rub my hands together in anticipation. This whole episode is even better if you know what’s coming. That’s gonna be good for DVD sales.
After the commercials, it’s time for the dance competition, which is taking place at a makeshift Fijian village. The winners of the challenge get to stay in the village for a feast. Moto will be going first. Their whole dance is actually pretty cool; Earl takes the lead, and he sort of dances while the other four serve as background singers. Earl is Beyonce, and Boo, he is the rest of Destiny’s Child, and he is not ready for this jelly. Everyone has an intense, primal look on their faces the whole time, and it has a very authentic and cool air about it. The whole time, Jeff has this look on his face that is half amused and half intrigued. After Moto concludes, the villagers applaud.
Dance for me, puppet army!
Now it’s Ravu’s turn; they sort of have a dueling warriors motif, where two people have a mock battle that is actually sort of a dance-off. You Got Served, Alex! Watch out for B2K. They know how to krump. Or something. Most of Ravu’s dance goes pretty well, until Lisi gets involved. The five Ravu members line up and are supposed to be doing this thing where they all move in unison with their spears, but Lisi is just doing random stuff. She does that thing from C and C Music Factory’s “Good Vibrations” video where you grab your foot and put one hand behind your head, she does the Ninja Rap for a little while, she does “The Sprain” from that one episode of Saved By The Bell. It is crazy. The other four guys try to cover for her, but by this point it has officially transformed into an episode of Full House. Guest starring Chris Cross. And then Dreamz does a flip at the end!
I don’t know about you guys, but I believe that it might be Hammer Time.
The three Fijian judges confer. Fijian Randy is like “That was tight, yo. I wasn’t feelin’ that random-ass girl in the middle. But it was a’ight, it was a’ight.” Fijian Paula is like, “Monkey dishwasher Chevy Impala palm tree.” Everyone pretends to understand. And then Fijian Simon tells us that Moto wins! I am shocked; you’d think Lisi might have sealed up the victory for Ravu after she did the cabbage patch in her warrior garb.
Lisi will be heading to Exile Island, of course. Moto gets to enjoy a feast at the village, which they proceed to devour. The six of them enjoy their meal and some evening dancing with the Fijians, and…night vision! Exile Island! Lisi! I have spoken too soon. It is pouring, and Lisi does not look happy. Again, I will give you her words verbatim, for they are a gift-wrapped present from the gods of irony: “I don’t understand, Ravu can’t seem to win even the simplest challenges.” Don’t you guys feel bad for her, stuck on a tribe with a bunch of whining losers who don’t take the challenges seriously? So unfair. Lisi tries to shield herself from the rain by climbing up into the tower. She confesses that this makes her want to quit the game, all of this having to survive. That is not what she signed up for. She thought she was going on Trading Spouses! She was going to meet the God Warrior! Where did she go wrong?
On the morning of Day 21 at Moto, Earl and Michelle are stretching and greeting the sunrise. Turns out that every morning, the two of them go off together and have a morning meeting, in which they strategize about the recent goings-on at camp and compare information. Earl, he rules so much. They discuss Boo, saying that they think that they should keep him around and get rid of Stacy first, because she is likely to go with the old Motos and attempt to squash the Alliance of Cool People. This is a wise idea. Michelle tells us that she wants to target Stacy before the merge because of the aforementioned old Moto reasons, and also because she serves much the same purpose as Michelle, except that she is evil. Getting rid of her increases Michelle’s usefulness to the other tribe members. I think I like Michelle a lot, between this little comment and her laughing at herself for falling off of the platform last week.
At Ravu, the remaining four males discuss how they can break their streak of losses. They might want to start by washing off the warpaint from the dance challenge, which they are still wearing twenty-four hours later. Dreamz tells the others that if they merge, he’s got Cassandra in his pocket, so he can give them a majority. I think Dreamz might be the swing vote next week. Who the hell knew that was going to happen? I’m cool with that though, because as we will see later, Dreamz is actually really awesome. Ed and Alex look concerned about the Dreamz/Cassandra thing, which they maybe should have thought about before making them feel like they were stuffed in a locker for the first 18 days.
The clue for the upcoming immunity challenge is an arrow, so Ravu discusses their prowess with a bow and arrow. Ed tells everyone that he is a marksman of some sort, so they can count on him to rescue Maid Marian or whatever. Shoot an apple off of Lisi’s head! That would rule.
Immunity challenge! Lisi returns from Exile Island, taking her opportunity on the stage to do a little meke for everyone, because she cannot resist a captive audience. Enjoy act 25 of Pay Attention To Me Theatre, everybody. Final curtain in about 14 minutes. Oops, is that a spoiler?
Like it or not, she’s going to have to come back. What if we hide behind that big target there? At this point, I am willing to risk being impaled by a hatchet.
Today’s challenge is, in fact, a target shooting competition. There will be three rounds; the first round is blow darts, and it is worth 1 point. The second round is spear throwing, and it is worth 2 points. Final round is bow and arrow, worth 3 points. Tribe with the most points wins immunity for the week. Since this challenge (which has been done a few times) is mostly designed to make the Survivors look ridiculous with their girly throwing skills, I am entirely in favor of what occurs. The producers did not count on Yau-man being awesome, however. First round: blow darts. Moto wins the first round after Boo nearly bulls-eyes the target and Edgardo cannot beat him. The second round, the spear-throwing, is a montage of people failing miserably to even come close to hitting the target. Dreamz nicks the corner of the target, so Ravu gets onto the board first. And then: Yau-man. He grabs a spear and gauges the weight of it, and you can see him doing the math in his head, it’s so cool. You can almost see it, like during the beginning of Stranger Than Fiction. He gets a running start, hurls the spear, and then freaking nails the target, almost in the center. In your face, Mookie! Moto gloats a little, which is allowed because Ravu sucks, and congratulates Yau-man, who flexes his bicep, looks right at the other tribe, and kisses it. The tickets to Yau-man’s gun show, they are sold out, such is his masculinity! Oh muscle-bound douchebags, you are helpless against his powers of arithmetic. He rules.
Pythagorean Theorem, you are my bitch lover!
So, Moto wins another round, and since Earl is last in the rotation, he hasn’t had to do a damn thing yet this entire challenge. Third round: bow and arrow! Various Ravu members miss the target completely, which exasperates Lisi, who gives an audible sigh over the entire affair. She so tired of having to control these spazzes all the time, you guys. Who will save her from her hell? She is Sisyphus, and the boys are the rock which she must push up a hill, only to have it roll down again as she watches, helpless in her awesomeness.
Little did the blowdart know that it would later need about five showers for the smell to finally wear off.
Dreamz hits the outside edge of the target, putting Ravu up in the third round. But Yau-man the Baller still has to shoot, and he goes for the “straightest possible arrow”, and then he crouches low to increase the angle of his trajectory and you can see the Numb3rs in his head again. Again, he shoots, and again, he nails the middle of the target. Eat it, Ravu!
For some reason, all I can think of is one of those funny things that go on your head that make it look like you’ve been skewered with an arrow through the temples. If anybody could accidentally make it happen, it’s him.
It’s up to Ed and his amazing archery skills to get the points for Ravu, but he effectively has a panic attack and almost passes out, right there during the challenge. Moto wins immunity again, and Ravu is headed to tribal council. If only Lisi had been the only one to shoot; she could have just gone six times each round, hit the bulls-eye every time, and this wouldn’t be happening right now. She’s so put upon by the suckiness of everyone else. I feel so badly for her.
My vote goes to “Shoot it directly up into the air.”
On the eve of Day 21, Ravu must kick out yet another member. Mookie talks about how this is his eighth tribal council, and I think he might be one off. But, do you realize that it is day 21 and Cassandra, Boo, and Stacy have only been to one tribal council? That is sick. Lisi in confessional, and again it is so pretty that it must be written for all of you: “I’m so tired of hanging out with the losers. These guys just can’t pull it together. Can I just say ‘loser’?” and then she goes into the entire Ace Ventura thing with the L and the elongated bullshit way of saying “loser” that has like 25 syllables and then she gets into her time machine and goes back to 1993, from whence she came. I am so, so tired of her. She has no original jokes and she thinks she’s clever and hilarious when she’s so eye-rollingly unfunny that she is an affront to personal taste, like that one guy in your office with the knock-knock jokes, or the oversharing cab driver who talks endlessly about his exema, and you are trapped in his vehicle for what seems like eons. She is the Andrew Dice Clay of Survivor. I’m just ready for her to go away now. I hope I get my wish!
Lisi continues: “You know what the problem is? They know that they suck, and when you know that you suck, you suck.” What if you are completely unaware that you suck because you’re busy being the coolest person ever, constantly quoting the funniest lines from still-relevant movies and dropping smoking hot insults on everyone in the crazy, straw-hatted alternate universe in which you live your daily life?
Lisi bitches to Alex about how she thinks that they’re going to continue to lose challenges, and she’s going to have to keep heading to Exile Island, and she’s not “trying to buy real estate”. She says this last part and then does that thing that unfunny people do where they laugh at their own jokes because no one else does. And so, due to this flawless logic, Lisi would like to quit. Alex is like “whatever” because he just doesn’t want to deal with her anymore, and: word, Alex. She’s clearly expecting them to beg her to stay. “But what will we do without your bon mots to keep us entertained during the long, boring stretches of day? Hey, can you quote Wayne’s World for us, pretty please? That shit is hilarious. Do the part where they’re all ‘Babe-raham Lincoln!’ Oh man, I am in stitches.”
She tells Alex that she’s run the gamut in the game, she’s been rich, poor, and to Exile Island. She’s had the full Survivor Experience! Except for the twenty million challenges that she sat out. Oh, and the merge. And WINNING THE MILLION DOLLARS. She tells us that she’s “done like a Thanksgiving Day Turkey” and then cracks herself up some more. She’s right about the turkey part, at least.
Dreamz tells us how much he’s looking forward to getting rid of Lisi. He’s like “I don’t even care, really.” Which is awesome and exactly what she deserves. This happens as Lisi looks on, and you can tell she’s pissed not to get the attention and respect that she deserves for quitting the game in the middle, effectively betraying her alliance and displaying a resolve matched only by the likes of Osten. So, as a result, Lisi no longer wants to quit, because if your friends are not singing a funeral dirge right up until you jump off the cliff and they remember you fondly and whole thing can’t be about you, where’s the fun? She clearly thinks this is going to be edited as some brave thing she’s doing and that it will be her legacy, when really a year from now we’re all going to be like “Remember that one crazy girl that fell on her face? She sucked, yo.”
So Lisi has changed her mind, and wants to vote out Dreamz now in a 4-1 vote. Hey, Andie? Take a letter.
1435 Stupid Hack-y Joke Boulevard
Crazytown, Maryland 40502
I have met Shane. I am friends with Shane. He e-mails me on his wooden Blackberry on an almost daily basis. And you, madam, are no Shane.
P.S. – Love your hat!
So, Alex is like “WTF? It’s ten minutes until tribal council!” so good for him. Lisi talks about how Dreamz will inevitably be voted out, and it is time for
Tribal council! I’m so excited to watch this again. Ravu sits down at Tribal Council again. Jeff calls in Rocky, the first member of the jury, and he runs up the steps Philadelphia Art Museum style. Did that really just happen? Consider my mind blown. Jeff pokes Lisi by telling her that she’s had an “emotional ride” and she drops the whole rich, poor, exile bullshit again because she has never had an original thought, ever, so that one she had that one time should be repeated over and over. Dreamz rolls his eyes. Dreamz is my proxy.
Jeff asks Dreamz what he’s basing his vote on, and Dreamz says “Well, Lisi wants to go home, and I’m frankly sick of her, AND she gives up all the time.” So Lisi goes, “Are you kidding? You give up all the time, Dreamz!” Dreamz gives her the ‘You did NOT just do that’ face, as do millions of people across the nation. Dreamz does the logical thing (I know!) and goes, “Really? Name one right now.” And Lisi? She cannot, so she pulls the ‘I’m better than arguing about this’ card and ends the conversation, which is what people who are full of shit do when they know that they are full of shit and want to take the high ground. Oh, and Lisi? You fell on your face on national television. Your dignity, it is gone.
“My argument is both flawless and non-existent. Be prepared to be blown away.”
Dreamz is not done heckling her though, because he rules, and when the hell did I end up on Team Dreamz? I’m ordering the shirt right now. So he goes “Well, Jeff, she wants to go home. They call me a genie in a bottle because I grant wishes.” And he flashes this giant, hilarious Eddie Murphy smile, waiting for a response. Lisi does not have one, because there are no tired movie quotes that are appropriate for when you are being harassed by a formerly homeless cheerleading coach.
Jeff does a survey about the will of the people who remain, and Dreamz tells Jeff that he will never give up, unlike a certain someone. You can “recipitate” him at the finish line if you need to, he’s not quitting. You can! Recipitate him, for he will not give up, even in death! Lisi is obviously insulted to be heckled by someone who she perceives to be below her, so after Jeff asks her if she wants to be here, she hems and haws about how people should just leave her alone and let her have the spotlight so that she can effectively betray them, already. Geez, she can’t get a break! Let her abandon you in peace.
After her long crappy cyclical answer, Dreamz says, very calmly and sternly, “I’m sorry Jeff. Could you ask the question again? She did not answer it.” Objection sustained. And then Dreamz administers her comeuppance by surveying the rest of the people about whether they want to be there. After they all reply yes, he says something to the effect of “See how easy that was? Now answer the damn question.” And then he stares her down for like three minutes, flat. And then, my favorite part: “There’s no need for a ‘shalingua’ or ‘shaquila’ or whatever, just ‘yes’ or ‘no’, Lisi.” And he might not remember the word, but you know what’s awesome? That he pulled out the ‘soliloquy’ card when she clearly used the word earlier in the game to establish the fact that she was superior to him, and now the tables are turned and he is using the very same word to expose her bullshit for what it is. I smell him on that.
Dreamz waits for his answer. I commission several sculptures in his honor during the interim, which I will donate to the Philadelphia Museum of Art, of course. Then she bullshits some more and does not answer and starts talking in one long, run-on sentence, so Dreamz cuts her off and says, sharply “Jeff! I am ready to vote.” with this huge smart-ass smile plastered across his face, and he is my hero. I just got out my birth certificate and added a Z to the end of my name with permanent marker, seriously.
Time to vote! Dreamz votes for Lisi. “I’ve been waiting to do this for a long time,” he says to the camera, and then he gives the most enthusiastic thumbs-up I have ever seen from someone that was not meant in an ironic fashion.
I’m sorry about all the mean things I said, Dreamz. Take all of the racial surveys you need!
Lisi votes for Dreamz, and she spells it with a Z so you know the spelling of it has been discussed in a public setting, and why didn’t we get to see that scene? She says “You may want to consider a name change.” Her name is Lisi, for god’s sake. There is video of her singing a song called “Whitie Tighties” all over the internet. She is the arbiter of taste re: nicknames and the world in general? I’m just saying.
Jeff goes to read the votes. First vote for Lisi. Second vote? For Dreamz. Third vote? Lisi! Fourth vote? Lisi!!!!!!!!1 Jeff snuffs her torch. I stand on my coffee table and throw up The Roc. So, so satisfying. I hit the 8 second rewind button on my DVR. Jeff snuffs her torch again. I hit the button again. Jeff snuffs her torch again.
“Are you sure you want to snuff me, Jeff? Really? Check this out: “Is that your final answer?” Oh man, I slay myself!”
I’m so glad that this season has done a 180 and become awesome. Also: Rocky and Lisi have to share living quarters for the next 3 days.
Next time: Merge! This is going to get really interesting, because there are two idols in play, and some power struggle stuff going on with Dreamz and Cassandra. If they ally with Earl and Yau-man, I’m probably going to lose it.