Ravu Wins a Challenge! Sort Of!

We’re four episodes into this season of Survivor, and the Moto tribe has yet to lose a challenge. Despite the fact that Ravu has lost every single time they’ve competed, they’re only down by two members. Hard to believe, given what we’ve seen from them so far, but true nonetheless. So how will they fare this week over in the Camp of Nothing?

Previously, on Survivor: Gary hurt his tail bone really, really badly at the reward challenge and was having trouble breathing as a result. A lot of people talk out of their ass on this show, but who breathes out of theirs? Ravu finally started a fire at their camp, and as a result, Boo somehow burned himself on it, despite the fact that he was five miles away and on another island. When Ravu couldn’t even win a challenge that was designed to take advantage of the fact that they hadn’t eaten, they were destined for tribal council again. After scapegoating Anthony for the loss, the tribe voted Sylvia out, meaning of course that the scale model Philadelphia Art Museum that Rocky was building to pass the time is going to have lots of askew steps. Fourteen people are left. Who will be voted out tonight?
On Night 8, Ravu returns to Camp Bosnia-Herzegovina both depressed and dejected that they’ve lost another member. Earl suggests that they all sit down and have a discussion to get everything out, and move on. “Let us never speak of this again,” says his face. He does not know that he will be seeing Rocky in women’s clothing later. This invitation to talk unleashes a torrent of emotion from Rocky. Most of his rage is directed toward Anthony, and all of his comments are clearly being said out of frustration with the way the game is going. Rocky tells the entire team how much of a wuss he thinks Anthony is, and how he’s constantly whining and bringing the entire team down. Rocky conveys this opinion by whining, FYI.

Rocky lays into Anthony, basically blaming him for everything that’s gone wrong in the game. Anthony does the smartest thing possible, which is not to respond, let Rocky finish his incoherent ramblings, and then try not to cry during confessional later. While Anthony has been a little bit wishy-washy and mopey, he is in no way responsible for everything that’s gone on with this tribe. That blame for that would actually go to Mookie and (surprise!) Rocky himself for constantly creating scapegoats for their lackluster performance at challenges and, as a result, preventing team unity from forming. As Rocky continues his tirade…wait. Hold up. This will be a theme this week, just so you know. Heroes gets that symbol thing that keeps showing up everywhere, Lost gets the mysterious lottery numbers, and Survivor gets ‘Rocky continues his tirade’. So let’s save us all some time, right here from the start. Just imagine that I’ve put ‘Rocky continues his tirade’ before every sentence in this recap. And when we’re at Moto, replace that with ‘Dreamz continues to spew nonsense’. We cool? Make sense? Everyone on the same page? Good.

To continue: Rocky tells the group that he usually only deals with people like Anthony who whine a lot when they’re women. Basically what he’s saying is that because he doesn’t want to have sex with Anthony (don’t worry…in time he will win you over, Rocky), he doesn’t want to put up with his constant whining. Except he says that Anthony is ‘like a broad’ because he has now officially become a character from Dick Tracy. Seriously, who still says ‘broad’? What a douche. Next he’s going to tell Rita how nice her gams are, and then they can all do the Charleston while F. Scott Fitzgerald murders a flapper. Like I said, while Rocky has a point that Anthony is sort of mopey, he does not deserve this, at all. He messed up once, he has low self-esteem, and he should get the chance to pick himself up and correct his actions like anyone else. Rocky continues to tell Anthony how he doesn’t deserve to be there, and how Jessica and Erica both deserved it more than him and they’re both gone. So…he didn’t directly have a hand in voting out both of them? He straight-up voted for Erica, and he didn’t do anything to prevent the Jessica boot, so he is a big old hypocrite. I sort of liked him before this, but he is rapidly losing ground with me. Very rapidly. Way to get me to feel bad for Anthony this week after having no sympathy for him last episode.

It’s now Day 9 on Moto, and Lisi and Stacy are hanging out in the water and relaxing. Lisi (who will be our narrator this week, because the editors hate me) tells us how much she’s enjoying the game so far because they have yet to lose a challenge, and she’s formed a majority alliance with Stacy, Boo, Edgar, and Alex, allowing them to control the game in the event that they ever actually have to vote. She marvels with Stacy about how well all of this has worked out, and I hope to God that it is hubris, because I can’t stand her. Stacy wishes that an overhead cloud would go away, and it obliges because it has to go find six other clouds and then follow the members of Ravu around, raining only on their heads like a Charlie Brown cartoon.

Cassandra goes to check on Gary, who is not doing any better than he was last week. He says he’s having trouble breathing and is constantly dizzy. Lisi checks out the bug bites on Gary’s legs, and she’s like “Wow! You’ve got THOUSANDS OF ‘EM!” like she’s looking at the inside of a dissected frog or something and she has no compassion at all, and she bugs the piss out of me, again, some more.

Lisi tells us that she doesn’t want to spend her time here “babysitting” Gary, and during her interview she is wearing that REALLY dumb hat she always wears, and it’s like this one-two punch of I Hate What She’s Saying and I Hate The Way She Looks, and in a split second of this combines inside of me like a 2-liter and Altoids, and I suffer from internal bleeding and my organs collapse in on themselves and I black out on the couch for twenty-three minutes. When I wake up I feel dizzy and disoriented. Hey, maybe that’s what’s wrong with Gary! That would explain his lack of symptoms.

When I wake up and center myself, it’s time for the reward challenge. Today’s challenge will be just like the one they did in Vanuatu, where the members of each tribe line up on a balance beam, the one farthest from the end starts and has to make their way around the other tribe members to a platform on the other side. Once they’ve successfully gotten there, the next farthest tribe member down does the same, until everyone is on the platform. Also (and this will be important, because Jeff is Miss Rulesy McStrictypants this season), you can only touch the person that you are crossing and no one else. The reward today is an assortment of food that includes fish and rice, and some pillows and blankets for comfort. Also, the winning tribe will have a king sized bed waiting for them when they return to camp, and they get to send someone to Exile Island. A king sized bed? Even Big Brother had cots for a couple of weeks last season. Oh, Big Brother. How I miss you. Anyway, Gary and Cassandra will be sitting out for Moto.

Michelle and Lisi are going to be first for their respective teams, and you should know that Lisi sucks at this, which satisfies me highly. Also, as Jeff is discussing the strategies which the tribes are taking, he calls Dre, “Dreamz” for the first time. Michelle is across the beam quickly, and Yau-man starts in as Lisi is still struggling. Yau-man gets across and seriously geeks out because they are now up 2-0, and Lisi is still struggling to get across the balance beam. The stupid hat is throwing off her inner ear balance. I’m calling it.

Miss Priss disqualifies Lisi for touching two people at the same time, so she has to start over again as Rita begins to make her way across the beam. The problem begins when Rita gets to Anthony, and they spend a long time trying to figure out how to get around each other properly. This is where Rocky begins offering “helpful” advice, and this freaks Anthony out even further because he is now completely uncomfortable because he now sees any communication coming from Rocky as criticism and a personal affront, and who can blame him? The constant input from other team members frustrates them to the point of inertia, and as a result both Rita and Anthony end up in the water. At this point Moto figures out that they have to get Lisi to step over them instead of around them, and she becomes the first person on the Moto platform. Of course, she hoots and hollers like she just took the gold in the 1992 Field Hockey event at the Summer Olympics in Barcelona, when she actually just spent a half hour disregarding simple directions and falling headfirst into open water. Stacy is quickly across and ties the game at 2-2 while Anthony attempts to traverse the balance beam, gradually freaking out more and more while the cool kids criticize him and tell him it’s all his fault. I feel bad for the guy. Alex and Edgar are suddenly across too, and Ravu has blown another challenge lead through poor leadership and ineffective communication. Boo is the last one left, and he blows a kiss to the crowd as he triumphantly steps on the platform and wins the challenge for Moto. Even though I’m rooting for Ravu, that made me laugh; it was the right mixture of show-offy and playful. Way to talk shit last week and back it up.

How annoying you are directly correlates with whether you can run on air or not. So also: the Roadrunner.

Rocky looks like he is seriously about to cry as Jeff congratulates Moto on another challenge victory. They decide to send Yau-man to Exile Island, and this is a good move, and where other tribes have faltered in the past. You don’t send the strongest person to Exile, because you’re not really weakening them at all, and you’re giving them a chance to find the immunity idol and keep themselves in the game longer to threaten you down the line. See also: Yul. And Terry. You send a physically weaker person who actually has a shot at getting weaker, and so that it doesn’t matter much if they get the idol because they are more likely to have to use it. Although in this case, Yau-man actually rules and is smarter, but they’ve got the right idea at least.

Moto brings all of the fish and rice back to camp on a big silver tray, and they’re letting Boo carry it, which seems unwise.

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Riddle me this: who is most likely to trip and spill all the food? And then cut himself on a fish scale on the way down and get everything all bloody and inedible?

Moto discovers their bed, which is also dressed with white linen much like the couch. What happens when Room Raiders: Fiji comes to film and takes a blacklight to that thing? That’s all I’m saying.

Moto enjoys their feast as we head over to Ravu, where Rocky is completely losing his shit over giving up yet another challenge. When he gets back he picks something up off of the ground and smashes it up against the cave wall, and then he stomps around and shits his pants. His face says “I am unhappy with the loss” but his actions say “Put me in my crib until I stop crying and pass the fuck out for a few hours.” Who’s not masculine now? As Rocky looks around for a meat locker full of giant, hanging cutlets of beef on which to take out his aggressions and also to practice his right hook, he’s all “Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” about the challenge.

He asks the group why the fuck they just don’t go to tribal council right now. Hey, Rocky? I hate to repeat myself, but this whole thing is your fault. He tells the group that he’ll just “call Jeff up on the Jeff phone” to tell him that they’re ready to go vote someone off, and that’s actually a pretty good line. I take a moment to think about all of the things I would do with a Jeff phone, which I imagine looks just like one of those giant light-up red phones sort of like on the original Batman series that starred Adam West, except but with a miniature phone-sized straw hat on top of it. I’m pretty sure I would start by sending him out for Chinese food and to get my dry cleaning, but I don’t know what else I would need it for. Phone a Friend for Rock and Roll Jeopardy? To ask him to bring over his karaoke machine after I’ve had a few beers? C’mon, you know the guy has one.

As Rocky continues his tirade, (see? It’s a theme) Mookie politely asks him to stop being negative so that they can figure out what to do next. Rocky says that he’s “not being negative, [he's] saying the obvious, there’s a difference.” What if you’re doing both? Is there even a word for that?

Earl quite correctly says in confessional that he appreciates Rocky’s spirit, but it’s not just about spirit, you sort of have to back it up, which Rocky has not done. Cut to a shot of Rocky and Mookie, doing nothing. Nicely done, editors. And also, props to Earl! He’s one of my favorite people on this show; he’s clearly thinking, he’s ahead of the game, and his CBS Profile says that he likes The Wire, which is the best show on television, hands down. Earl knows what’s up. Poker face!

Earl and Anthony head off into the woods as Earl voices this same opinion to Anthony, who is like, “Thank you! Finally someone has said who is really at fault here.” Anthony also says that he knows that if they lose he’s headed home. Earl tells us in confessional that he’s trying to protect Anthony, but he doesn’t know how long that he can.

Now Yau-man arrives at Exile Island and gets his clue, which says: “Dude, we laid it out for you last week. What the hell else do you want?” and Yau-man gets this look of understanding on his face and dorkily draws a projection of the cave, drawing a mental line down from the apex with his finger. He’s also like, “WTF, am I sleeping on the idol?” which is hilarious. He rules.

It’s Night 9 at Moto, and there is a giant, fuckin’ scary looking spider crawling across the Immunity idol, which is creepy. The spider is a symbol, however, as Liliana, aka “The Black Widow” is giving massages to the male members of the tribe on the new bed that they have won, because there is nothing more sneaky and underhanded than being completely invisible until Episode 4. She could pounce at anytime! Watch out!

Lisi tells us how sneaky it is to give massages as she watches jealously from the sidelines, and she says the following, verbatim. “Knowing my people the way that I do, I know that in her little Mexican mind, she’s trying to come up with something.” So now she’s stereotyping her own people? Because it’s either that, or she’s acknowledging that she, as part of her ‘people’, is also sneaky and is also in possession of one of the aforementioned ‘diabolical Mexican minds’. So, take your pick, Lisi. You’re either a self-discriminating idiot, or a hypocrite. Choose one. Here’s a hint: either way, I HATE YOU.

It’s the morning of Day 10 at Moto, and Boo is literally sleeping under one of those 1800s parasols that are all frilly. I know I joke about these people having too much luxury, but seriously! A frilly umbrella! I hope he’s doesn’t catch the vapors later. Then he won’t be able to put on a hoop skirt and go to the horse races, where he will meet a dashing young man who will sweep him off of his feet.

Gary, however, is not doing well at all. The Survivor medical team comes in to check him out again, and they can’t find anything wrong even though he’s clearly not in a good way. Dreamz tells us how worried about Papa Smurf he is, because he’s one of the only people that Dreamz talks to. I have a feeling that might be slightly wrong, given that there is probably several hours of footage on the cutting room floor of Dreamz yammering at the immunity idol for hours before realizing that it isn’t a real person.

The medical guys, frustrated that there’s nothing notable going on but wanting to get to the root of the problem, get right down to business and offer Gary a trip off the island in their medical boat, and out of the game. He decides to take advantage, and is whisked off by the medical team, never to be heard from again. If you look at the guy’s CBS Bio, he’s no physical slouch; he’s done all sorts of canoeing and kayaking, and something called an “inline skate marathon”, so I’m inclined to think that the fall from the reward challenge really jarred something on his insides. The castaways wave goodbye to Gary as he is carried off. So…later, Gary! You were…much less annoying than most of Moto! Be lucky that Lisi didn’t have to mother you!

“Hey guys, once we get out of her sight, you can let me out of this thing.”

After the commercial, we have fast forwarded twenty-four hours, and it is Day 11 at Ravu. Rocky tells us that he is going crazy, and that the only thing he can do to get people ready for the challenge is to lead by example. Everybody follow Rocky’s lead and assume the guise of your favorite washed up actor from the 1980s and throw a temper tantrum, quickly! Anthony is like, “I call dibs on Gary Busey.”

Michelle brings back the treemail for the immunity challenge which says something about teamwork. As she is reading, Rocky steps out from behind the shelter and sidles up next to her, and he is completely stark naked. Rocky’s crotch blur gets on it’s cell phone and calls it’s agent, demanding a contract renegotiation. “Ari, you’ve gotta get me a new gig, I’m dying over here. I was better off with Trishelle, if you can believe it.”

Michelle pretends not to notice and discourages Rocky highly, attempting to get him to leave her alone. She sort of scoffs him, and he looks around like “Anyone? I’m naked here! Is this thing on?” and someone (a male) laughs and attempts to placate him, but you will notice that there is no female laughter coming from anywhere. Mookie then gets the idea that they should wear the girls shirts to the challenge, and pretty soon Rocky is throwing on Rita’s pink challenge top (the one that is too small for even her. Not that I’m complaining.). What level of humor is this? Am I just not getting it? I will admit, I laughed at naked Rocky, but is this inherently funny at all? I think this tribe has no real sense of humor, except for Earl. Mookie does that thing where you say, “That’s hilarious,” without actually laughing, which means whatever is going on is not really funny. Kudos to Rocky for trying to lighten things up after his outburst, I guess. At least he’s trying. Failing, but trying.

Immunity challenge time. Jeff gives Rocky shit for wearing a pink top, and Rocky deadpans that he “Hopes Jeff enjoys it.” Jeff congratulates them for having such a good attitude about things, despite being horribly stomped every time they compete. After Yau-man returns from Exile, Jeff brings Moto in and notifies Ravu of the loss of Gary, to which they are sympathetic. The other thing you immediately notice is that Dreamz is wearing Lisi’s stupid straw hat, but crooked and cocked to the side. It is literally, the dumbest thing I have ever seen, and Rocky is wearing a pink top not three feet from where he is standing. Seriously, look!

Which is dumber? To me, it’s a chicken/egg situation.
Today’s challenge is complicated. One person will run out to a cage in the middle of the water over a set of what Jeff calls “lilypads” (How I Met Your Mother shout out?) to a cage that is floating in the water. They’ll unlock the cage, and the person inside will jump along the next set of lilypads to the next cage and unlock that person. There are four total cages, and once the last one is unlocked, there will be another person waiting in a boat, and those last two people who will row back along the course and collect the other four people that are waiting by the cages they unlocked. So when you get back to the start, you form a human pyramid? What? Dumb. Anyway, then the person on top of the human pyramid unlocks one last hanging cage. Once you’ve freed that final person, you cross the finish line with all your peeps and you win the challenge. Make sense? No?

Well, there’s also a twist. Jeff produces a bottle, which is to be opened and read after the challenge is complete. Somewhere in the Chicago suburbs, Jenny from last season sees the bottle and throws her remote at the television, shattering the glass. I laugh, because one of my favorite parts of Cook Islands was when Parvati opened the bottle and read that Raro had to vote off two people, and she just looked up and went “That’s…not fun.” I laughed and laughed and laughed, because that’s seriously all her brain could come up with to describe the situation. Parvati in a nutshell, everyone!

Oh, and Lisi is sitting out of the challenge, because then it’s easier for her to laugh at people who are weaker while remaining completely inept at everything she does. Kind of like how some people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.

The challenge begins, and Moto takes an early lead. The challenge is so physical and Ravu is so weak from not eating that the gap just widens and widens, and Moto is into their boat and headed back to shore before Ravu is even past the third cage. You gotta feel for these people, even if some of them are douches. Lisi adds salt to the wound by screeching, “PADDLE IT!” from the sidelines, which is both a)helpful advice and b)the least inventive encouragement ever. I hate her, you guys. I am the Ancient Mariner, and she is my Albatross. Moto paddles right past Rita, who is crawling along on her belly on the lilypads looking pathetic. It is such an apt metaphor, that image.

Moto hits the beach as Lisi laughs at people who slip and fall, because challenges only exist for her entertainment. Seriously, she is sitting out. Can you not show her stupid ass every five seconds, please?

Moto begins to form their human pyramid, and Ravu has made some headway with swift paddling and are only a little behind by this point. Stacy gets to work on the final hanging cage, which has five locks and five keys, so you have to figure out which goes to which. Stacy is very hot, by the way. I don’t think I’ve said that yet. Ravu forms their human pyramid while Stacy is still working on Moto’s cage, and soon Michelle is doing the same. For a moment here, you have some hope for Ravu, but you and I know how this is going to work out, right? Michelle gets the cage open, and Cassandra jumps out. Moto wins, again.

Watch out, the ends are sharp.

But wait! The bottle. Lisi volunteers to read the contents, and it is at this moment that I hope the bottle says the following: “Congratulations on winning immunity. The person reading this message is annoying as hell, and you are required send her to the other team to be voted out as tribal council fodder for the enjoyment of the audience. Sincerely, EVERYONE WATCHING THE SHOW.”

The bottle does not say that. It says, in so many words, that the winners of the immunity challenge must choose between immunity and comfort. Basically, you can sleep at the nice camp and vote someone out, or you can go to Camp Somalia and keep your immunity. Your move, jackasses. Basically, Ravu would have had the same option as Moto, the way it was written. If they had won, they could have gone to the nice camp, but they would have had to vote someone out. It wasn’t designed to give one person the advantage, but it was designed to throw Ravu a bone so that they would end up with either the nice camp or immunity, depending. Which is actually pretty fair, considering how shit on they’ve been since the beginning of the game.

After Lisi is done reading the note, Jeff asks Moto what they want to do and gives them a second to decide. Lisi basically strong-arms the rest of the group. She’s like, “Who wants to stay at the nice camp? Raise your hand!” and then she raises her hand smarmily and looks around at her alliance members like “Raise ‘em, bitches.” The rest of her alliance raises their hands, of course, and then the outsiders follow along so they don’t look bad, so Moto is going to tribal council to vote someone out because Lisi wants to, essentially. Do I even have to tell you that I hate her? Boo hands immunity over to Ravu, and…Ravu wins? I guess? Rejoice guys! Celebrate good times, come on! What, no conga line?

Holy crap, Ravu has immunity! This blows my mind, sort of like that commercial where the baby points at the US Presidents and names them.

Also, this means that the tribes will be even at 7-7 after tonight’s vote, due to Gary’s departure and Ravu getting that extra person after the first tribal council. So, Moto has won all five challenges so far, and they’re going to be even after tonight? To this, I say: bravo, Mark Burnett. Because that is some serious Karl Rove shit that just went down right there.

We return to Moto after the challenge, who are tasked with voting someone off for the first time. Dreamz gets everyone’s attention. (In the future: when I type the phrase ‘Dreamz gets everyone’s attention’? You should view it as an omen, like a black cat crossing your path. It means some dumb shit is about to go down.) So anyway: Dreamz getz everyone’s attention. He says he wants to just “lay it out there” for everyone, and be honest and decide who to vote out as a group, because “no one here is a snake yet. Are you a snake? I’m not a snake. Snake? Snake! Snake snake!” and he loses his train of thought and just says the one word over and over and over again, because one time when he was homeless and it was winter, he fell asleep in the reptile house at the zoo, and when he woke up he was spooning with a boa constrictor.

Dreamz says, to the entire tribe that there are two people that they can afford to lose, and those people are Cassandra and Lisi.

Seriously, has Dreamz never seen this show before? I mean, I know he’s been homeless, but Survivor is on network television! All you need is an old black and white TV and a coat hanger, and you can watch Survivor. Hobos probably do it with all the time, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with fingerless gloves and a giant fire in one of those steel barrels in the background for warmth.

I’m not going to lay out for you all of the things that are wrong with starting this conversation in front of everyone, because we’ve definitely all seen this show before, but suffice to say that it actually accomplishes the opposite of what you are attempting to do, which is to start a civil conversation about jettisoning someone. That is logically impossible to do, because you are at least going to make the person you’re getting rid of feel like shit, if not everyone else for bringing it out into the open, therefore making the conversation not civil by default. Dreamz has now officially alienated at least two people by calling them out, making him even dumber than expected.

Later, I was hoping we could talk as a group about SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE.

Stacy interviews that Dreamz thinks that they’re all a team and not individual yet, and that they’re all working together, and that “its not entirely untrue. It’s just that the team consists of our five people.” Heh. I think I like her, even though she is aligned with Lisi. Dreamz then starts putting people on the spot and asking them who they are going to vote for, and he is entirely delusional at this point. Deluzional? That should be his new name. Think I should call him that?

Cassandra asks Liliana what she’s going to do, and Liliana tells Cassandra that she likes her and everything, but that she has to go along with the majority and vote her out, nothing personal. That’s the style of gameplay I like there. No regard for friendship, keep the game separate from everything personal. I wish she’d stayed around longer. Not to spoil anything for anyone.

The majority alliance consisting of Lisi, Stacy, Boo, Alex, and Ed are having a powwow to decide who will be going home. They whittle it down to Cassandra or Liliana, and Stacy is just straight up like, “I’m voting for Liliana,” and Lisi agrees. The guys try to get them to change their mind, but they will not, because they are threatened by her. Alex tries to make the case to vote out Cassandra, but the girls are not hearing it. Again, Lisi strong-arms by saying she’s not changing her vote, essentially forcing the guys to come along with her if they want a majority. If this whole strong-arming thing is going to be her tactic throughout the game, she’s not going to get very far, because they’re going to get sick of her. Mutiny, guys! Defeat Lisi! Alex interviews about how dumb this is. Call Jeff on the Jeff phone and ask him about it! Also, have him pick up some pizza on the way.

Tribal council time! Moto files in and gets their fire. Jeff asks Dreamz about “friendship” and who he’s made friends with since he’s been here. He replies that he talks to Papa Smurf (who is too busy keeping the room from spinning to bother with him) and Cassandra (who is too polite to tell him to STFU), but everyone else just ignores him, or doesn’t talk back. So many things wrong with that statement, the most important of which is: if you want someone to talk back to you, you need to actually shut up for two seconds to give them an opportunity to speak, instead of shouting “SNAKE!” at the top of your lungs for thirty-two hours at a time. Edgardo is like, “I have no idea what he’s talking about.” which is hilarious, because nobody has any idea what Dreamz is talking about, ever. That is like Roman Numeral I on the outline that is Dreamz. (The upper-case “A” below the I says: “My subject-verb agreement is often incorrect.”) You can fill the rest of the outline out at your leisure, class.

Lisi tells Jeff that when she got back to camp, Dreamz went off on “a soliloquy” about how there are people that needed to be voted off, and how she is one of them. I hate her, because you know she sat at camp and thought about how she was going to bring this up, and you know she searched her brain for a word that she knew that Dreamz would not understand. It’s not like the Royal Shakespeare Troupe spends a week with the homeless, using a cardboard box as a stage and performing in the Shoeless Joe directed production of King Lear. This makes her an asshole, and she’s looking for acceptance from the cool kids, AGAIN.

She continues, and she’s like, “He’s talking about being invisible and how no one talks to him, but he’s pointing fingers, HELLO,” and she says that last part like, “Booyah!” like she just totally faced him or something when she didn’t and also she really, really sucks. And it has an accompanying hand motion, you guys. HATE HER!

If we stop looking at you, Dreamz will start talking, won’t he? I’m in hell.

Jeff sums it up for us that Dreamz called a meeting to decide who to vote out, and Dreamz is like, “Don’t make me sound like a monster, Jeff!” when really, he sort of was that way. Not a monster, just an idiot. He also horribly mangles the word “soliloquy”, which was what Lisi was going for, so of course we get a shot of her looking all smug and satisfied that her master plan to embarrass him has succeeded. I seriously cannot wait until she gets voted out. I hope there is a bottle involved. And in that bottle, there will be a note. The note will say that whomever is voted out will be consumed by wolves immediately afterwards.

Jeff asks Liliana what she brings to the game, and she talks all about how she gets her hands dirty and tries to go fishing with the guys and get involved in camp life and the challenges. Which we’ve seen, at least this episode. In the middle of this, Cassandra raises her hand meekly, and tells the group that she has nothing but respect for Liliana, and that she hopes Liliana is successful in the game. She’s clearly expecting to be voted out, and the subtext here is that she is telling Liliana that it’s okay to vote for her, to do what she has to do to stay. Cassandra is really polite and nice, you can tell. She’s too polite and nice to play Survivor, but polite nonetheless. Kind of like David and Mary on The Amazing Race: really nice people (most of the time) but just not cut out for what they’re doing, and therefore a waste of space on a show like this. Not trying to be mean! We can go for drinks or whatever, you just don’t belong on my show, you know?

Time to vote! Liliana votes for Cassandra, and Lisi votes for Liliana, saying, “The alliance is five, not six!” in this hissing whisper tone, which 1) makes me dislike her even more, 2)doesn’t even make any sense, seriously, and 3)cements the idea that she is clearly threatened by Liliana’s friendship with her guys. We see Cassandra vote for Lisi. Awesome! In my mind, Lisi gets blindsided right here, although I know it’s not going to happen.

Time to read the votes! The first three votes are for Liliana, Lisi, and Cassandra. The next four are for Liliana, and that is it for our mostly-invisible friend. She should go try out for Heroes! It could be her power! Wait, there’s already an invisible man on that show?

Liliana is very blindsided by this vote, and you can tell that she did not expect it. She is in good spirits though, as Lisi looks very pleased with herself and Jeff extinguishes Liliana’s flame.

So, the tribes are even at seven! This gives me hope for Ravu, although I know that this hope will eventually be crushed under a pile of broken dreams and fallen tribe members. Overall though, a good episode; things were switched up, finally, and we got a brief reprieve from the constant filing of Ravu members out the door that has been the par for the course for this season so far.

And, next week: Rocky versus Dreamz stupid nickname showdown! Looks like Dreamz will finally have to face a non-Asian. I don’t even know who to root for there. I guess maybe I’m hoping they’ll bonk heads and knock each other out or something. Who are you rooting for? And what do you think about the season so far?