Tonight, on Survivor: Shambo is made the leader of Galu. Yes, that really happened.It’s Night 15 at Galu. Erik bemoans the fact that Russell is gone, which means that their gender alliance, which I’m guessing was created out of necessity after the Monica/Kelly/Laura Three-Headed Hydra of What Were Their Names Again was born off camera, presumably while we were busy watching Russell take credit for something with which he had nothing to do.
The male Galu members decide that bringing Shambo in is their best option, planning to burn her when they get to the final five. This is yet more evidence that these guys are not that smart, since even an idiot can see that Shambo is going to try and help Foa Foa however she can after the merge. The smart play would be to team up with one or two of the guys from Foa Foa instead, but these guys are too busy trying to look smart for the cameras to actually make any sort of intelligent decision. This season seems a lot like Gabon to me; no one is likable, and no one is playing intelligently. All it needs is a couple of racists and someone to cry over absolutely everything, ever and we’d be set.
“Did somebody call for a crier?”
The next morning at Foa Foa, the tribe seems pumped to compete in a challenge, convinced that they can turn things around. Russell makes a comment to this effect, stating that being down eight to five is “pretty damn close”, which is like saying that the Oakland Raiders are pretty damn close to being a good football team.
Meanwhile, it’s time to choose a new chief over at Galu. Erik seems to think that making Shambo chief will help them bring her into their alliance, so he schemes with the guys to make it happen. They engineer a seemingly random vote by assigning numbers to each tribe member and having everyone vote at the same time, which allows them to make Shambo chief with little to no discussion.
Of course, she immediately starts to annoy the shit out of everyone by speaking at length about what a fair leader she is, and how she’s not going to bossy and how she’s a Marine and how even though George W Bush would totally lose the chickens if he were on Survivor, she’s not going to be as bad as him and how this one time at a Jaycees meeting she was made the head of the decorations committee and how she was on the board of the United Association of Mullet Enthusiasts, so she is totally suited for the position and no one should worry at all.
“Does anyone have any Aquanet? I want to do my hair up for the coronation ball!”
Reward Challenge! Probst notices that Shambo has been made the tribe leader, and when he asks her if she is surprised, she says “not so much”, which just goes to show you how utterly incapable she is of reading other people. I mean, she seems to legitimately think that these people have some sort of respect for her. Ponder that shit for a moment and tell me how it is even remotely possible without some sort of lobotomy involved.
So today’s challenge is a game of Concentration. The tribe members will take turns using their memory to match covered survival items. However, there’s a catch: the leader of the tribe can decide to keep the item for the team, but they forfeit the point. There are also a few dummy items with no matches. We have seen this challenge before, most notably when Lisi fell. Did you guys know that Lisi fell? Because she did.
The reward, by the way, is lunch on a sailboat out in the ocean. Shambo decides to sit herself out of the challenge, so she designates Brett as the surrogate leader for the challenge after Dave harasses the shit out of her publicly. This leader thing this is going swimmingly so far, no?
Dave will be playing the part of Dick Cheney
Russell goes first for Foa Foa, and he does not make a match. Obviously, he intended on screwing up. It was careful strategy, just like everything else he’s done! He’s just planting a Russell Seed in the survival items, so they distrust all the other inanimate objects, at which point he will strike.
Galu scores the first point when they match up a fire starting kit. Brett decides to keep the fire starting kit because it is wrapped in a tarp, much to the relief of the other Galu members.
So, uh…there is matching. It is as captivating as you would think. After several rounds, the score is 6-3, Galu. There are also only three matches left, so Galu only needs one to mathematically eliminate Foa Foa from the challenge. Monica then makes the final match and wins the reward for Galu. The tide has turned! Oh, wait.
Shambo then chooses to send Laura over to Foa Foa to miss out on the reward, announcing that she wants to keep her guys strong for the upcoming immunity challenge. Laura is incredulous, but also: come on. What was she going to do, send herself?
Back at Foa Foa, Laura introduces herself to everyone and bitches to us about how Shambo doesn’t like her, which I’m sure breaks her heart. Russell takes her off to the side and they talk about religion; at one point, you hear Laura tell Russell that she doesn’t believe that women should be pastors because that’s not “the woman’s role”, so that should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about Laura. Russell immediately offers a Final Three deal to her, even though he’s been speaking to Laura for approximately three minutes. If that doesn’t scream “sketchy”, what does? It’s the Survivor equivalent of those creepy people who comment on your Facebook wall all the time, even though you’ve only met them once.
What kind of boxer briefs would Jesus wear?
“I can spot a good Christian,” Russell says. I love that he’s like “I can tell that you’re honest and loyal to Jesus. Now let’s make a secret alliance and lie to all our friends!”
“I’m going to work Laura like a fine tool,” he tells us in an interview. I only see one tool around, and it ain’t Laura.
Meanwhile, Galu rows out to their reward, which is actually on a pretty sweet looking pirate ship. Remember the Pearl Islands season, when there were actual likeable people on this show, and there was strategy going on instead of a bunch of yammering? Well, there was yammering then too, coming from Jon and Rupert, but still.
The members of Galu raise the sails and swab the deck and whatnot, and Dave earns the Dead To Me award by becoming the first one to make a terrible joke involving a play on the word “booty”. Then he takes a big hammer and smashes a watermelon on stage.
Yes, references to early eighties comedians are still funny. Why are you looking at me like that?
Back at Foa Foa, Laura yaps and yaps at Natalie about how much fun it is to ride Harleys with her pastor, which is a completely foreign concept to me. It’s like seeing a bear on a unicycle. While all this is happening, Liz is about three feet away, trying in vain to tend to the fire and growing increasingly frustrated with both her work and the constant chatter, mostly because the two of them are sitting there watching her do it without even trying to help her out.
Liz complains about this to Russell, which of course gives him an opportunity to call her a retard, because that is what Russell does to everyone, all of the time. He says that what Natalie’s doing is important because they need to make friends with the other tribe if they’re going to get anywhere once the merge happens. This is a valid point, but I’d be annoyed too if they were sitting right next to me talking about inane shit while I’m trying to get work done. Also, Russell is a tool.
“Yeah, well I ride big wheels with the Pope!”
Immunity Challenge! Each tribe will paddle out together in a boat and use fishing poles to retrieve four strands of (wait for it) puzzle pieces. They’re fish shaped! Then, three tribe members will use the pieces to solve a pretty complicated puzzle. First team to solve it wins immunity.
Before the challenge begins, Probst asks Mick where his leader’s necklace is, and he comments that they left it back at camp because they were concerned that it might be bad luck. Also bad luck: ineptitude.
So, you guys know how this goes by now: Foa Foa begins with a nice lead after the fishing portion, and then they completely screw up the puzzle and lose to Galu. Throughout the challenge, Dave keeps yelling at Shambo to be quiet, because she takes it upon herself as the leader to shout words of encouragement while Dave is trying to concentrate on fishing the puzzle pieces out of the water. Also notable: Jaison runs out of energy completely after the water portion of the challenge, lagging behind everyone else on his way out of the water and costing them precious time.
“Now, we are going to have to come up with a new and innovative way to screw this up. Ideas?”
“These idiots are going to cost me the million dollars!” Russell says as if he’s not responsible for anything bad that’s happened, ever. He is lucky Coach showed up last season, or he’d be the most full of shit contestant ever to appear on this show. Hey, at least he hasn’t given himself a nickname yet.
Back at camp, it’s time for Foa Foa to vote out yet another member. Russell (I know!) tells us that he wanted to get rid of Liz before the challenge today, but Jaison might be changing his mind with that performance at the challenge. “I’m embarrassed,” Jaison says disgustedly. Really, only now are you embarrassed?
Russ and Liz talk, he tells her the options are Natalie or Jaison. Liz tells us she’s shocked that Russell declined to name her as a potential boot. “I guess my stock has gone up!” she says. What, you think he’d actually tell you if he were going to boot you? That’s so sweet.
Here, my notes literally say “Russell blah blah blah OH MY GOD I AM SO TIRED OF HIM” so its safe to assume that means that he talked some more shit about who to boot and was a complete douche some more.
I’m pretending they’re holding hands under that shirt and don’t want anyone to see. SECRET ROMANCE!
Tribal Council. Probst points out that they’ve lost 8 out of 10 challenges, “one of the WORST performances of any tribe, EVER” he says. “At this point, all we can do is hope for the merge,” Russell says, shrugging his shoulders. “They can outplay me, they can outlast me, but there’s no way in hell they can outwit me.” Russell says. Um…so if they outlast you, doesn’t that mean they’ve outwitted you? I’m not entirely sure he understands how this show works, you guys. Maybe he thinks he’s on The Biggest Loser?
“They may outwit me, and they may outeat me, but they will not outdouche me.”
Mick points out that they may have lost the physical game, but there’s a social game to be played, and that all they have is trust because there’s sort of nothing left for them. Through all this, Jaison says nothing. When Probst calls him out on it, he tells Probst that he’s embarrassed at his own performance, and he assumes a lot of responsibility for their loss. Probst asks if that means he should be voted out. “If that’s what’s necessary for us to win tomorrow,” Jaison says, kind of shocking Probst a little.
Time to vote! We see Liz vote for Jaison and Jaison vote for Liz. When the votes are read, the first is Liz’s vote for Jaison, and the rest are for Liz and she is done. That’s too bad, because she’s one of the few redeemable people on this show. But next week: the merge! Thank GOD.