Well, it’s been a long and winding road this season on Survivor: Guatemala. Actually, it hasn’t really been that windy. Or twisty. Just long. But hey, I’m not about to kick off this finale recap on a sour note. After all, regardless of how fun or lame a season of Survivor is, you can always depend on the big three-hour send-off to be one of the most entertaining highlights of December (or May). So how did this finale match up? Well, it was okay. Not bad. Not great. But hey, there’s always plenty to snark about; so who cares really?As usual, the giant season finale kicked off with a wham-bam recap of the entire season so far. Now, as much as I enjoy everything meta, I’ll refrain from recapping the recap, but I will say that this little segment was possibly more exciting than the entire season thus far. Nevertheless, ten minutes later, we finally returned to our survivors on Day 37 as birds chirped and monkey danced. Ah, the refreshing sound of optimism! How long until all the “Gosh, I’m in the final four!” revelations? If you answered three seconds, you’d be correct.
The self-congratulations and bewilderment kicked in immediately, with Lydia commenting, “I always felt like the odd man out!” Listen, Lyd. I love you as much as the next hobbit fan, but we all know your time has come. Let’s not start thinking you’re no longer the odd man/perfectly-coifed-lady out. Nevertheless, she continued: “Somebody’s watching over me.” Yes, it’s the little known Mayan god of the fishmongers. Curiously, his name is Stan. Very pedestrian, I know. Those crazy Mayans!
As for Danni, she explained that she was très nervous to be in the final four. After all, she’s a big Kansas State fan, and they’ve been in the Final Four (of NCAA basketball, not Survivor — although that would certainly be interesting) four times in a row without success. Now the pressure was on for Danni to bring home a championship. I’m confused. Did Danni want to win an NCAA tournament? Would this be a one-woman basketball team? I smell a hilarious ABC Family Movie in the works! Tony Danza can be her coach!
Okay, obviously, Danny was not hoping to bring home a basketball championship (although, she was quite good at court-ball). No, she was talking about the big $1 million prize; something Rafe was also angling for. “It feels really good sitting here proud of every decision so far in the game,” he told us. Hmmmm… might this be some foreshadowing to a heated jury interrogation? I sure hope so. You just know Rafe would crumble under the pressure.
Anyway, Lydia went off to get tree-mail and returned in such a rapture, I’m pretty sure she was speaking tongues. With the tribe all excited, our favorite fishmonger read the parchment which focused on the Mayan culture and all that fun stuff. “These ancestral grounds are still considered scared,” Lydia said, amusing misreading “sacred.” That would be pretty funny though if the lands were actually scared. You know the pyramids are all like, “Oh no. Jeff Probst is coming back! And that skinny girl with the abs is about to climb me. Help! Someone! Don’t let this happen all over again!!”
Nevertheless, Lydia continued to read, eventually announcing, “The spirit and culture of the Maya is still alive, and now you are part of this history.” To which the Mayan ancestors all rolled their eyes and moaned, “Great.” A wonderful, legendary civilization, and now Judd puking is part of it.
Well, Lydia interpreted this entire tree mail as some sort of warning of impending celebration, but instead, the tribe was sent a bunch of locals to perform an ancient ritual. “They poured a whole bottle of honey on the fire,” Steph explained, adding, “I’m like hello! Hello! We want the honey!” Yes, please halt this ancient, traditional, and meaningful ceremony so Steph can have a little honey. Later, the Maya brought out a chicken for sacrifice, but the perpetually hungry Steph asked, “We gonna get to eat that chicken?” So basically, she just wants to eat this entire ceremony. I’m surprised she didn’t make a cannibalistic run for the locals.
Anyway, in a very Ted Nugent twist, the Maya then ripped the head off the chicken and threw it in the fire; although, Steph still wasn’t sure if the poor bird was actually dead. You should have seen her confusion when she learned about guillotines. (A little guillotine humor for the Marie Antoinette fans out there. What’s up, Jean-Jacques.) Later, Steph even had Lydia ask if they could eat the chicken, but unsurprisingly, she was denied. Note to Steph: gets some tapeworm tests when you get back to the U.S.
With this nifty “Learn from the natives — those crazy, crazy natives!” segment over, the final four then headed off to the immunity challenge, which, by the way, was fairly insane looking. Basically, it was the most gi-normous maze of all time, all shaped in the image of an eagle. And because eagle layouts don’t always come easily nature, it looked like Survivor was kind enough to chop down some trees in the process. Ecosystem schmecosystem.
Of course, if you know me, you know that I lurve the Survivor maze competitions. I don’t know why, really. I think it’s just my general fascination with mazes. Someday, I hope to do one of those huge corn field mazes. I would liveblog it, but I’m pretty sure it would be lame: “I’m making a right turn. Oh wait, dead end. Turning around. Left. Now right.” And so on and so forth. Nevertheless, Probst told us this was the biggest Survivor maze ever, and not only that, I’m pretty sure it was the most convoluted as well. Each person had to collect eight puzzle pieces, but there were only six puzzle piece stations in the maze. Some pieces were in pairs and others weren’t and some stations were fake while others were real. Plus, once someone got a piece, they then had to cross over a series of pontoons, climb a ladder, and then place the piece into frame. Then they had to cross a rope bridge, and oy vey. I’m not even going to try listing all the random bylaws of this challenge. All you need to know is that Survivor has yet to outdo that awesome blindfolded maze challenge on Amazon.
Well, everyone began racing, and for while, it was pretty much neck and neck. People didn’t seem to be awfully lost (way to go, NON-CONFUSING MAZE); so Jeff tried to spice things up by adding inane commentary like “Physically demanding. Day 37. Worn out. You have to dig deep if you want this.” Just calm down and let them race, Jeffy.
Eventually, someone did get lost in the maze, and surprise, surprise — it was Lydia. But she didn’t give up. “Those short little legs workin’!” Probst said as Lydia bounced from pontoon to pontoon like some long lost Super Mario Brothers heroine. I have to admit. I was totally rooting for a Lydia upset. Unfortunately, it was obvious that Rafe was gonna take this challenge, and sure enough, he just barely beat out Stephenie to win his fourth immunity. This was followed by Lydia appearing at the top of the ladder with a block in her hand and saying, “Last piece!” Yeah, whatever. You’re so going home.
During the commercial break, we saw one of many commercials for the Pontiac Torrent, which has been pushing some silly promotion to give away the four cars that Cindy denied from her tribe mates. “No Torrent gets left behind!” the commercial promised. It’s not often that a car commercial piggybacks on a social initiative pun, but hey, sometimes it has to be done. I believe we all remember the ill-fated “Megan’s Kia” campaign.
Anyhoo, when we returned from the commercial break, Stephenie contemplated keeping Lydia around to improve her chances at the inevitable final-three endurance challenge, but we all knew this was blatant misdirection. Besides, Danni was doing her bestest to ensure her spot in the end by acting like she’d suck in an endurance challenge. C’mon. You don’t get those abs without a little patience. But enough scheming. Who wants to see that on Survivor? Oh, yeah, ALL OF US. Nevertheless, attention returned to that chicken from the Mayan ceremony as the ravenous Steph debated eating the charred carcass. Sure enough, the meat was still good, and Lydia, Steph, and Danni chowed down while Rafe abstained, feeling pangs of moral guilt. Silly Rafe. Doesn’t he know that you’re not supposed to really sacrifice something in a ceremony about sacrifice?
Well, no sooner had the tribe devoured this religious poultry than the heavens opened up and a near monsoon descended on the countryside. Either the Mayan gods were mad, or they just wanted a shout out on Survivor (what deities will do to get on TV these days…). Anyway, the foursome trekked up to Tribal Council where we saw our lovely jury again, and here’s to hoping Cindy’s shaved her mustache. Ah ha! She has! Score one for Lady Schick!
Unfortunately, if you were looking for fireworks at Tribal Council, this was not your episode. Conversation quickly gravitated to that chicken as the tribe expressed shame, guilt, and a little amusement for eating the sacred bird. Surprisingly, Jeff seemed genuinely annoyed at this development as he snipped, “I’m not judging whether it was right or wrong, but we’re definitely going to talk about it.” Oh, that’s right. Probst HATES ceremonial disrespect. Sounds like we may have to take this case to Chicken Court.
Anyway, everyone offered up their defenses for eating the chicken, but ultimately, Steph said that the only reason why it stormed so harshly was because they had eaten the chicken. And with that, Jeff gave the tribe members a stern, angry, disgusted, and annoyed look that seemed to say, “I can’t believe you assholes.” I couldn’t tell if he was upset with their lack of appreciation for the ceremony, or if he sincerely blamed them for the bad weather.
Eventually, the discussion moved back to the game, and when asked about Lydia, Danni cheerfully replied, “Everybody loves Lydia!” Oh, that show is so hilarious! I kind of wish Patricia Heaton wouldn’t yell at Lydia so much, but overall, it’s so true to the married fishmonger lifestyle. I always watch it when they show it on American Airlines.
Well, I’m not going to beat around the bush any longer. In a vote that was no surprise to anyone, Lydia was ejected from the tribe unanimously (3 to 1, specifically). Oh well. It was a fun ride, and hey, she made it much father than anyone had expected. Plus, she did it while having perfectly blow-dried hair every single episode.
With Lydia gone, it was clear that Danni absolutely had to win immunity to save this season. Otherwise, it would be too obvious how this all would go down. Rafe and Steph clearly would take each other over everyone else, leaving Danni the dreaded third wheel. We can’t let such predictable television occur.
The next morning, life at the tribe seemed bleak. The monkeys were howling especially mad, and even worse, everything was all wet and maggot-filled from the chicken-induced storm. That sucks. But at this point, we really didn’t care. Let’s just move on to the fallen survivor tribute, mmkay?
Ask and ye shall receive! The final trio headed off to the pyramids where they were to walk by a series of symbolic torches, each with a little drawing of a cast member. And yes, that was awfully nice of Mark Burnett to hire a hungry street artist to sketch out everyone’s caricatured faces. Sadly, there were no images of Brandon surfing or Blake playing guitar (with the words “Rock ‘n’ Roll!” emblazoned next to him). Of course, the best part of this traditional montage is not just reacquainting ourselves with some forgotten faces, but also listening to the vague comments made when no one clearly has anything insightful to say. “She was definitely a fighter,” Steph generically said about Morgan. Even worse though was Brianna, about whom the trio simply said, “Oh Brianna…” Okay, they don’t even know who she is. I’m surprised Rafe didn’t ask, “Was that one of the PA’s we saw fetching Jeff’s lunch?”
As for the drawings, I’d like to say that whomever created Jamie’s little face card deserves a gold star for transforming the paranoid schemer into what seemed to be the cover boy for some long lost 1988 Mr. Mister CD. Well done!
Of course, with every passing torch, we also saw slow-motion footage of that player, and in the case of Cindy, that meant we saw her breasteses in full jiggle mode. It was kind of like watching two water balloons tumbling down a hill: bouncy, rotating, and on the verge of popping.
After this stroll down memory lane was complete, the final three found themselves standing in front of Jeff for the final immunity challenge. And yes, Danni and Steph were in full abdominal flair mode. For this season’s big endurance challenge, the players would have to stand on a swiveling platform and balance. For the first hour, they could hold onto two ropes. The second hour, they could hold onto one. And then after that, nada. Contestants would be eliminated if their feet touched the ground or later if their hands were used in any way for balance. And with that all explained, Rafe, Steph, and Danni all hopped on their platforms. “That swivel is very sensitive,” Probst then said. Yes, the swivels have been known to cry at long distance phone commercials. Try to be nice.
The first hour of the competition went without incident. Once everyone had to release a rope though, pandemonium descended on the challenge as the players began swinging around, carefully trying to avoid touching the ground. Eventually though, the three stabilized by propping their butts up to nearby poles, and a boring calm reclaimed the competition. Luckily, we fast forwarded to the end of the hour, and soon everyone was wedged between the poles and the platforms, no longer holding onto any ropes whatsoever. Surprisingly, Jeff didn’t pull out his usual bag of tricks. You know what I’m talking about: a slice of pizza, a chocolate chip cookie, some creamy peanut butter. Instead, he just sat around and waited to pounce. Sure enough, Rafe gave him his first opportunity as he accidentally touched the pole with his hands. Yer outta there!
With the competition now down to Steph and Danni, I thought for sure Jeff would try to spark some scheming by saying something like, “It’s been two and a half hours, and neither of you have even tried to make a deal.” But he didn’t really have to hustle this endurance challenge along because soon Stephenie had slid down the pole, her butt mere inches off the ground. Could this be? Could Danni be on the verge of winning this challenge? The ultimate underdog (next to Lydia, natch)?
Well, at two hours and thirty-eight minutes, Steph began to cry (mostly because Probst was needling her about her sagging stature). Yes, cry! CRY! Crack under pressure!!! Mwhwahahaha! We never get enough crying in these sort of challenges. Things became somewhat excruciating though as we watched Steph painfully try to shimmy back up the pole, surely scraping her back in the process. Eventually, she could fight no more, and in a rather sad display, Steph plopped down on the ground, thus giving Danni the victory. Haha, suckers! You shoulda brought Lydia!
Unsurprisingly, Steph devolved into a mess of tears and frustration, and as Danni went over to comfort her, Rafe was profoundly moved — so much so that he told Danni she didn’t have to worry about prior promises to take him to the final two. Awww. That was so kind. And stupid. But kind nonetheless.
Of course, now we were presented with a truly intriguing situation. Who would Danni take? Surely she’d have a better shot against Steph, but she had a stronger alliance with Rafe. Plus, his little gesture was so gracious that Danni must repay it, yes? Later, Steph optimistically announced, “I think I have a 50/50 chance right now.” Well, uh, YEAH. You are one of two people moving on. Nevertheless, as Danni weighed her options, it became pretty clear that she would totally win this thing. I mean, she really hasn’t backstabbed anyone severely, and everyone’s gotta respect that she’s defied the numbers game. Heck, I’m rooting for her now. And by the way, a scene is unfolding by this laptop that Mark Burnett would totally love to film. A little fly just got caught in a spider’s web that was apparently right near me. Now it’s trying to get free, but that spider is totally gonna come soon. Classic Survivor symbolism. Also, the fly is trying to fly away, but since it’s tethered to this strand of web, all it can do is fly around in circles, kind of like the swings at a local carnival. If I didn’t have so much more to write, I would totally liveblog this fly’s fate. Oh shit! The fly got away! JUST LIKE DANNI GOT AWAY FROM THE NUMBERS GAME! Seriously, Mark Burnett is controlling nature!
At Tribal Council, Probst returned to true ornery form as he questioned Steph’s decision to vote Lydia off. Our Jersey Girl said that if the final challenge was a mental image, Lydia could have been a real threat. “Well, wait, let’s hold up on that,” Probst countered. Oooh! Here he goes! “In 95% of the challenges, Rafe, Danni, Steph, Lydia’s gonna be the weak person!” Oh, he gotcha! Kind of. Okay, it wasn’t his best bitchy moment, but it started off promisingly.
Anyway, Probst then grilled Rafe about his choice to release Danni from her promise to take Rafe with her, causing Gary and Judd to share a hearty guffaw. And then Jeff decided to lay on pressure by ever so eloquently telling Danni, “Pick the wrong person, and you’re $900,000 not as rich.” Well, Danni explained the difficulties of her choice to the jury, and when she noted that Steph had pissed off more people in the jury, Bobby Jon and Jamie exchanged a minor/dumb mini-high-five which came complete with a bonus jazz-hands follow-through. Hey, aren’t these guys supposed to hate each other?
Nevertheless, it was judgment time. Danni scaled the temple and grabbed that Mayan Sharpie, but what would she write? My prediction was she’d go with her heart and nix Steph. But wait! I was wrong. She cut Rafe! Holy moly! I thought he was gonna take the whole thing!! Oh man. Steph versus Danni? We don’t even have to keep watching. But we will because we just know this jury’s gonna lay into Steph. Ah, the best part of any season. Confrontation! Awkward bitterness! Dumb questions!!
But first, let’s say bye-bye to Rafe. In his final words, he told us, “I thought I played a smart game.” Yeah, you did. Well, except for that whole “You don’t have to take me to the final two” thing. That’ll go in the Colby Donaldson Book of “What the?” moments. But wait, we weren’t done! Rafe had a little Burton Roberts inside of him as he added, “Danni, I understand the decision you made, and I thought you were the one person who would take me to the final two, and you didn’t, so Stephenie, I’m absolutely rooting for you.” Huh?? Why would you think Danni’s gonna take you to the final two if you told her SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO TAKE YOU?? And then why would you penalize her? The whole point of letting her out of the promise is that you won’t hold anything against her. Oh Rafe. It seems that even the smartest players must succumb to the brain-numbing effect of bitterness.
We then saw Rafe’s Febreeze family moment, featuring two random girls who chirped, “We miss our roommate!” (I don’t understand either), and then it was time for the final day. You know what that means. Some boring “Wow! We’re in the final two!” comments. Of course, this was followed by some boring sentimental mumbo jumbo. Look, it’s our last laundry! And our last bath! And our last comment about observing last things! Before heading up to tribal council, Steph and Danni then burned their whole campground, saying they were sacrificing everything to the Mayan gods. Well, everything but the leftovers of that chicken. Mmmm… sacrilegious poultry! Actually, no more chicken was consumed, but there was some hot Danni-feeding-Steph action. Grrrrowl!
But enough stalling. Let’s get to the jury. Before we even begin, I’d just like to make an opening statement on behalf of my client, Logic. I’m totally rooting for Danni, but I have to say, anyone who bashes Steph for being a backstabber or schemer should realize that many people — starting with Bobby Jon — had warned the jury members that Stephenie was running the show. If no one was happy with her, they should have gotten rid of her when they had the chance. Of course, jurors never like to take personal responsibility, and hey, that’s okay. The sillier and more vengeful the questioning, the better.
Nevertheless, Danni kicked things off with an unmemorable opening statement. She said she was surprised that no one saw her as a threat; so basically, that was a big “Way to go, IDIOTS” to the jury — not that they seemed to pick up on that. As for Steph, she offered up a diplomatic opening: “I just, I first want to start off by thanking all of you for making this an amazing, amazing experience for me [again]. I never thought coming into this Survivor that I would even have a shot [again] and making it past even the first tribal council [AGAIN].”
Okay, and now the jurors. Start us off, Bobby Jon!
“How proud are you of yourself of playing this game up until now?” he asked. Hey, is that Jenny Finch because I think we be playing SOFTBALL.
Well, Danni gave some lame response, and Steph, well, she tried to mollify some of her wrongdoings. “I know there are two people in particular that I have sort of backstabbed.” Sort of? I wasn’t aware there were “sort of” votes. C’mon Steph. Deep down, I still like you, but you gotta commit to it. You turned on people.
Gary then stood up and made one of the more amusingly hypocritical statements of the night: “I’m going to judge my vote tonight on who I think gives me the most honest answers straight out.” Says the guy who still hasn’t revealed that he’s not a landscaper and has been living a lie THIS ENTIRE GAME.
To his credit though, Gary did have a tricky little question as he asked, “Why shouldn’t I vote for you?” But since the answers weren’t very interesting, I’ll just move on.
Jamie stood up next, and surely this would be a bonkers question, right? Well, not at first. He asked Danni some throwaway question about who would be her top five if she had the numbers. But then Jamie moved onto Steph and promised a much harder question. Okay Jamie. Let’s hear it!
“Why are you and the crocodiles conspiring against me?” he asked.
Okay, no, Jamie didn’t ask that. Instead, he commented that whenever he was about to vote someone out, he would never talk to them and be friendly because he thought that was cruel. So when Steph was all sweet and nice to Jamie before she had voted him out, “How do you think the jury — who has to decide — how do you think they feel about that when they saw that?” Wow, way to toss Steph the hard question. I think you’ve put her right on the spot! BUSTED!
The string of lame questions continued with Lydia who declared that she had been loyal to Steph from day one. So why should she vote for her? Of course, Stephenie replied with a lame “I went up against the best, I like to beat the best” line. Okay, okay, okay. Enough with the BS. Let’s just move on.
Cindy twanged up the jury with her question as she asked, “If you could remove one of the jury members, who would it be?” Hmmm… Sort of interesting and original. Sort of dumb too. Danni said she woudl remove Rafe because that was a guaranteed vote against her. Steph, meanwhile, faltered as she first said she’d get rid of Bobby Jon because he was the first guy in the jury (huh?) and then settled on the beauty pageant response of “I don’t want to take anybody out of the game.” As evidenced by her complete lack of backstabbing…
Rafe then stood up and asked why Danni had chosen Steph over him when she had previously said she would take Rafe. Uh… because you told her SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO, BURTON.
Finally, it was time for Judd, and I have to say, I was quite excited. First, we knew he’d be reliable to say something bitter and dumb. Secondly, as jury interrogations go, this one had been relatively lame. We want more passion and hurt from these people! C’mon, Judd. Show us what you’s got!
“I wanna congratulate you’s,” he opened up, revealing that JuddGrammar we so know and love. And now the first question to Danni:
“I want to know if you’ve ever went rollerblading or ice skating before,” he asked, adding, “Have you ever ice-skated or rollerbladed before?” Oooh, thanks for the elaboration! Personally, I thought he was giving Danni a throwaway question so he could move on to grill Steph. But no! He had a point. “I think you’re one of the best ice skaters I’ve ever seen because I believe your strategy was to skate right through this damn game like you did!” Just a small technical point, Judd: you could have just asked about ice skating, not rollerblading. But that’s neither here nor there.
Well, when Danni defended herself, Judd went off, saying, “To me, it just sounds like you lied a lot.” And yes, the rampant hypocrisy in this statement was well observed. Nevertheless, he continued, “I would suggest that when you go back home, the first thing you do is go to confession.” I’m sure you’ll be right there with her, right buddy?
As for Steph, Judd also opened with a cryptic question, asking if she was hungry. Okay Judd. You’ve give us the setup. Let’s hear the punchline.
“I mean, you’ve eaten more than I’ve eaten when I’m home. I”ve been through three immunities, and all you sit there and say is that you’re starving… the only thing you should be starving for is my damn vote!” Bravo! Well rehearsed! Anyway, Judd continued, “You crossed the line when you lied to my wife, man, and you said that we had the strongest alliance here. And that was crossing the damn line, man. You should have never opened your damn mouth when my wife got there.” Ouch. Nice accusation, MAN.
Rather than simply apologizing, Steph tried to explain herself, saying, “I had no idea I was going to vote you out. It wasn’t my idea!” Why, that’s the sort of comment jurors LOVE to hear! Shunning responsibility, playing dumb. Of course, in this case, Steph was actually telling the truth, but well, it just sounded bad.
Well, the closing comments came and went without anything noteworthy. Steph babbled on about how she outwitted, outlasted, outplayed everyone, and Danni shrewdly noted that Steph and Rafe were the reasons why everyone was sitting on the jury. We then watched the jury vote (Judd sided with Danni, Rafe with Steph), and then it was off to the live show. What would this season’s big montage be? Would Probst take a shuttle into outer space, orbit the moon, and then touch down in Television City Studios? Or would he merely ride a camel across Central America, tossing coins and flowers to the various villagers he would encounter along the way? Well, Jeff walked away with his canister of votes and then headed down some stairs. And then some more stairs! And then into a helicopter! And then… he arrived in Hollywood? LAME!
We then saw our two finalists all fattened up and pretty. Danni was especially sexified — as Tyra Banks would say — as her glossy porn star lips seemed to all but beckon Playboy. As for Steph, she opted to Jersey it up with a full Garden State stereotype makeover: green eye-shadow, deep tan, and a hardcore perm made shiny by copious amounts of hairspray and/or gel. Oh my gawd!!
So now the moment of truth. Time to read the votes. I personally predicted a blowout for Danny.
Okay, vote #1: Danni.
Vote 2: Steph.
Vote 3: Danni
Vote 4: Danni.
Vote 5: DANNI! DANNI WINS!! Yay!! Well, it wasn’t a totally exciting season, and the outcome was a bit predictable, but hey, at least the underdog won, and that’s always fun.
As for the live finale, I plan on doing a little photo montage tomorrow when I return to Los Angeles (I’m blogging from the remote offices in New York where I’m incapable of executing proper screen caps).
What did you think of the finale? Were you happy? Did the right person win?
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75 Comments
B-Side — great recap. One observation. Danni is not a Kansas State fan — she is a Kansas University JAYHAWKS fan and they have gone to the Final Four twice in the past four years. Sports fans will agree, this point is important. ROCK CHALK, JAYHAWK!! SCREW KU!! ~KB
“Chicken Court”
HA!! I spit out my toenail!! SO FUNNY!!
“Did Danni want to win an NCAA tournament?”
That was hilarious! Great recap. Two weeks before the show first aired I checked out the Survisvor site and told my husband my pick was Danni. I just wish I had entered a money pool!
Perfect ending. I really disliked Steph when she dissed poor, sweet Lydia by calling her less than great. Unnecessary. And, did you catch her sure, cocky attitude as she planned how the rest of the season would devolve? Yah, suuuure, Jersey girl!
Rafe? Beyond stupid. He had it locked up until he “released” Danni from her promise. What a tool! I really believe he had a great shot at the prize because he just happens to be likeable and he WAS honest throughout the entire game.
I was amazed at the great make-up job on Danni at the end. Grrrrowww! Steph went from scary to tarty pretty well, didn’t she?
Not a great “Survivor”, but good enough to keep me coming back. And I’m not going to miss Probst when he goes off to jump his own personal shark.
Great recap B-side! Do you think Danni got some collagen injections? Or did she gain weight back in her lips? They were noticeably bigger. I’m glad she played the game until the end and took the person she knew she’d beat to the final TC. She deserves it.
I think Danni was smart enough that even if Rafe hadn’t released her from her promise that she’d have taken Steph anyway. Danni had to know that Rafe would probably win even though he was just as much to blame as Steph for most of the people on the jury, actually Rafe had more to do with most of them being there than anyone. It was his idea to vote off both Jamie and Judd, not to mention Cindy wouldn’t have been sitting on the jury without Rafe. For some reason everyone saw Steph as the one pulling the strings, but in reality it was Rafe. I think Danni would have broke her promise to Rafe knowing that she’d sacrifice his vote but still get the win.
Rick D
How did Winona Judd end up at the Survivor finale? Oh, that’s Stephanie?
Loved that Danni won. BTW the girls looked HOT.
Would have loved to see Steph throw Rafe under the bus since she knew he’d be the only vote she got. She could have told the jury that Rafe was the brainchild behind who got eliminated and she was just the heavy who carried out his orders. At least she could make herself look a little more sympathetic and less like the hitman. Probably would have been a closer vote.
Anyways, Jamie was hilarious and his girlfriend BobbiJon looked real pretty. Damn, BJ has morphed from a hot piece of ass into very gay looking farmgirl. I bet the farm hands use his mouth as a spermicidal recepticle.
I’m so annoyed that moralist Rafe was insincere about his release of Danni. That’s as bad as eating the sacrificed chicken. The girls were obviously unclear on the subject as they “sacrificed” the shelter they wouldn’t be needing anymore.
Everyone looked great at the LA finale. The fat people were trimmer, the skinny people had meat on their bones, life is good. Danni is so beautiful she should really skip the makeup. She kept having to lick the lip gloss off her teeth. When Cindy was talking I had a flash to National Lampoon’s Vacation. She looked EXACTLY like cousin Vicki (Jane Krakowski) when she had a shoebox full of weed.
At any rate… Yeah Danni! And thanks to the B-Side.
Oh my GAWD! what’s up with the jersey mall hair, steph? d’ya accidentally leave your bon jovi ‘slippery when wet’ tour t-shirt and your acid washed jeans on the bed before you left home? seriously–steph looked better after 39 days in the jungle than all tarted up like she was going cruisin’ in her boyfriend’s t-top. danni, on the other hand–sch-wing! so steph not only got outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted, she got out-hottied–by a landslide.
alas, as b-side observed, probst short of gypped us in what is usually my favorite segment of the survivor finale, the stagey ‘return from the wilderness,’ where in the past we’ve been treated with visions of probst clawing through the jungle, saddling up on a harley with a custom jury ballot holder rigged up on the back, and leaping out of the airplane after explaining, ‘this is where i get off’ (my personal favorite). this time, we just get another ride in the whirlybird and a trump-ish ‘put it down over there, rochester’ gesture from the rear. but let’s face it, folks–nobody pulls it off rugged, faux-outdoorsy, smug imperiousness like probst.
thank god for judd, the only remotely interesting presence on the jury. it wasn’t ‘rats-and-snakes’, but it’s about time someone observed that steph ate more grilled meat on survivor:guatemala than most guatemalan villages eat in a year. i had minor fears that the jury might be swayed by rafe’s question-cum-campaign speech on steph’s behalf, but the seething bitterness of immature men is difficult to counter with gay mormon sophistry.
besides, who was rafe kidding? as colby donaldson learned the hard way, it is far wiser to risk losing the trust and respect of someone you’ve known for a little over a month than to risk cutting yourself and your family out of a 7-figure payday.
besides, rafe really blew it. up to the end, he’d played arguably the best survivor game ever: he got people to underestimate him, won important immunity challenges to guarantee that his alliance’s targets would be unprotected at tribal council, managed to be in on every decision without appearing to be the mstermind, arranged an alliance around himself of hotheads and coattail riders he knew he could beat in the end, and let steph clumsily assert herself as the big backstabber. but he choked in the end, following up a string of brilliant moves with 3 head-slappingly stupid decisions: booting lydia instead of danni, touching the pole in the challenge, and giving danni permission to break their final 2 deal (which would have been the only good reason to keep her instead of lydia when they cut from 4 to 3).
anyway, thank christ steph didn’t win–i couldn’t stand seeing her phony tears-of-joy routine once again–and thanks most of all to tvgasm for another season’s worth of hi-larious recaps.
http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/survivor/001510.php#comment-31185
So so right you are. These days, we aren’t usually surprised by who wins, but it used to be that great back from the wilderness montage we could always look forward to.
Rafe’s stupidity made this a fun final episode. He had it in his hands, and then really gave it up.
http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/survivor/001510.php#comment-31178
collagen injections are common, but from all indications, Danni is still hanging around KC, and midwestern sensibilities would probably frown upon such a thing. I also went back to the episode and it looks like any lip thickening was just makeup.
Ya missed it the bestpart of the whole season… when Rafe was consolling Steph and she opened her buff and he looked down at her perky breasts… a truly touching moment.
Next season looks promising… are there cannibals in Panama? Will Pineapple Face come out of jail and shoot everyone???/
I live in NYC and work for a luxury department store. I can spot plastic surgery better than the average person. Danni took out a loan on what she knew was at least 100k coming to her and had not only lip injections but veneers, hair extensions and possibly a breast augmentation but that could just be weight gain. I noticed her transformation immediately. She wasn’t licking her teeth repeatedly b/c her lip gloss was bothering her, only a man could assume such a thing, but b/c her new teeth and lips were just recent enough that she wasn’t quite used to them. She might be from the midwest but she’s all plastic now. I imagine soon she will be moving out to the coast.
I loved the drunk, foul-mouthed, lying Judd telling someone to go to confession. Perhaps he should team up with The Weavers in an Amazing Race/Survivor Irritating Sanctimony Challenge.
Maybe it’s the Nyquil I took last night talking (might as well just get a fifth of gin and dye it green) but I thought Danni and Steph both looked way better in their mud/sweat/ponytail looks than all blown dry and lip-glossed and clean.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, why, why, do they bother with that lame helicopter bit. It truly pains me. Equally painful, that stupid ritual where they pay tribute to the fallen survivors. Could those portraits have been worse?
Could Steph be the first survivor to gain weight? Seriously though, how hard would it have been to pass on the chicken when she’s been feasting non-stop, and has two days to go. Love the way, as always she gets Lydia to do her bidding (“ask if we can eat it”, “go see if it’s still good”). Just to nit-pick, that was, of course, only Steph making those idiotic remarks about by “sacrificing” the camp ground, i.e., stuff she no longer needs. Yeah, that’s exactly what a sacrifice is. Ugh. Good riddance!
I’m glad Danni won, though I still can’t believe they voted Lydia out instead.
As for the reunion, Amy and Margaret looked really great, I thought.
ok, when do we find out who won the TV gasm Survivor contest. I can’t find my email for who I predicted!
Christine (#14) is absolutely correct… I don’t know about a breast augmentation, but Danni definitely came to the finale sporting brand new veneers, hair extensions and most obviously, lip injections.
Steph gives Jersey a Bad Name, Bad Name…
And can someone please teach her how to pronounce JURY…no JOREY
Wow, holy makeover batman. Or should we say, holy Playboy playmate offer? Tell me Danni didnt have tons of “procedures”. I re-wound my Tivo over and over to compare. She doesnt even look REMOTELY like the same person that was on the island. The hair extensions are a dead giveaway, as well as the lips and boobs. At least Stephanie kept her look similar to what she is, a NJ girl. Tell me Playboy isnt going to come knocking on Danni’s door. I can’t even believe Mr. Serious (Probst)didnt bring up Danni’s looks when he was talking about the other transformations. Oh that’s right, his homely, 24 year old, has-been survivor, girlfriend was probably watching.
Dear Stephanie-
How sad is it that your hair actually looked better in the jungle? Please put the Aqua Net down and back away.
Smitty
So . . . was TVGasm represented at the cast party last night? You had no one in the live audience in L.A.? I’m counting on my well-connected friends for all of the behind-the-scenes snarking.
Hey GREAT recap of the show. Many of your observations were right on. Rafe is definitely passive aggressive. If you RELEASE someone from a promise….don’t hit them with an axe when it doesn’t go YOUR way!
Congrats to Danni – so glad she won.
Why do we have to waste so much time on the finale with the 2 stupidest parts of the whole show – the lame tribute to fallen survivors and the Probst-o-matic arrival at the studio. Cute the first time, so lame now I just have to yell at the tv. We could have had 15-20 more minutes of reunion and given Jeffie a chance to get to the truth of the goings-on. Everyone was so PC last night and no one was honest. I love the recap usually since you get some insight as to why people did things. Last night, just a beauty contest.
Great, great recap.
I have to agree with a few here, though, load o’ plastic. I was thinking, for Danni, botox too. The girl didn’t seem able to move her face at all. Thought she was way, way prettier sans make-up, jungle grungy and capable of modest expression.
I am curious as to whether there was an alternate set-up if Lydia made it to the final final immunity challenge. No way “those short little legs” could’ve spanned the gap, and I doubt she could’ve even reacher the ropes.
Would’ve loved to see her head-butt Probst in the nuts as he extinguished her torch for all his gym-teacher style scolding during the challenges.
This is what should have happened when Jeff was taking the votes back to the mainland….
The helicopter comes in and lowers a rope. Jeff grabs on and then uses it to water ski on the backs of 2 crocodiles. Then he has to jump onto a speeding boat that takes him to dry land. There he is shot from a cannon onto a cropduster where he has to walk on the wings of the plane before bungee jumping into the studio.
Seriously, enough with the lame bits where he brings the votes in.
how hot is brandon..what a sexy guy on and off island..golden boy looked better on island..jamie gained way too much weight but still hot..
I can’t beleive no one is hip to the fact that the revealing of the votes is obviously rigged. Someone should say something! What the viewers are supposed to see is an unbiased viewing of the voting process, which is why they only showed one vote for each girl (becasue Steph only had that one vote); they couldn’t show more Danni votes becasue it would be biased. Blah whatever.
The moment I saw the econd vote for Danni, I knew she had won. It’s the same every season. That’s why “tribal council” is so boring now.
Panama again? WTF? Mark Burnett has officially run out of ideas. When are they going to do a season that’s NOT in a tropical climate? There still can be boobs and ass in non-tropical climates, men. Just make sure the location is hot at the time of filming.
And so ends another ho-hum season.
Rafe is cute.
Steph’s evil-looking arched eyebrows are what lost her the game.
Christine (14): Excellent job busting Danni! You could make her break down on the stand before Perry Mason!
#29, ummmmm, everyone is hip to the fact that the revealing of the votes is rigged. You’re the only one who cares.
Coming from someone who doesn’t wear much make-up, I do the same thing Danni did when I’m trying to make sure lipstick is not on my teeth when I’m in public. Being the “football chic” that she is, she probably doesn’t wear lipstick often either. Just bringing it back to reality for ya!
Hey – Fake boobs, hair and lips – who the hell cares?? I’m thrilled that Danni won – she played the game, she was good at the challenges (well, ok at the challenges)and she was nice! She looked hot during the game and she definately looks hot now.
B-Side, your recap was great and SO timely!! Can’t wait to see your gallery of pics and comments.
Chronic: Were you, by chance, sitting invisible in my living room last night? I thought the exact same thing, in almost the exact same words, about the tribute to fallen survivors and Probstsie’s lame, Lame, LAME departures. MAN!
To put the lipstick on the teeth to rest.
Danni was obviously licking the vasoline from her teeth. An old beauty pageant trick, to keep the lipstick from sticking to them.
She was afterall, Miss Kansas, and more recently the first runner up for Miss USA. Not quite the wilderness girl that everyone expected.
As for Judd and his annoying questions. As hard as each season tries. There will only be one Susan Hawk rat/snake speech.
I do agree that Rafe deserved to win. He was just to nice for that game.
I am looking forward to seeing what twists this next season holds. Hopefully it won’t have any previous Survivors.
Thanks for the great recaps this season.
I am such a huge idiot!!!! I forgot Survivor was on last night and I totally missed it
(
Thanks for the great recap B-side.
Feel free to post more pictures if you want
)
Hey Judd, I know how to roller blade . . . maybe I need to skate over to NY and have you hold the door for me . . .
Actually, I thought he’d be more caustic, and less lame, though, I truly think he looked sincerely hurt by Steph, giving those sad hunched looks from his seat behind her.
For me, I was rooting for Danni, and was glad she won. Guess I thought she would have taken Rafe, and her lips have always looked “done” to me. She looked really great in a heavily made up way, and I thought she looked good in jungle grime too. She really did pull it out in a numbers game–Good Job!
Don’t know about anyone else, but the 3 hour ending is 3 hours of my life I’ll never get back, and I always seem to regret having lost them . . . maybe I’ll just read the recap for AR:FE, not sure I can stand another moment!!!
Anyone watching 24 this season, I’ll have to change my name to Sean fan, coz Mr. Astin is soooo sooo sooo hot!!!!
thanks for all the recaps too!!!! Made this season so much better!!!! Forgot to mention, I looked up Jeffy on the IMDB–he’s only 43 . . . maybe Danni should hook him up with her surgeon!!!!
I’ll miss you all . . . *sob* . . . including you Judd . . .
Does everyone actually think Danni would have kept Rafe if he hadn’t “released her”? As if Rafe had control over her decision? Released or not, it was a moot action. It’s Survivor, and the smart kid will always use the pal to get to the end before dumping them for someone they can win against. Either way, Danni was bringing Steph.
The best part was during the final immunity, as Steph was falling and struggling and crying… Danni was just lounged back, picking her nails and twirling her hair. “Oh, do I win now?”
Maybe next season on Survivor, they’ll give Cindy another chance to play so she can live in the forest to be with the animals. Her sister Mindy can take care of the Torrent.
Comic anti-climax of 2005:
Lydia, huffing and puffing up to the platform after Rafe has won the eagle maze immunity challenge:
“Last piece!”.
Hahahaha! That look of cheerful self-deprecation will stay with me all winter long! Lydia was something else.
who’s danni?
How did Geena Davis win Survivor? I don’t get it. Some sort of crosspromotion or something? Odd.
Damn, instead of getting a free awkward lunch with coworkers, I have to PAY for an awkward lunch with coworkers.
My favorite part: Jeff gets out of the helicopter, dismisses the pilot, strides arrogantly to the door, the CBS guy opens it politely, and Jeff haughtily tries to slam the door while the CBS guy tries to close it nicely. Yay!
Maybe it’s just me, but I always thought Stephanie looks a lot like Linda Evangelist…
http://www.linda-evangelista.com.ar/linda-evangelista2.jpg
Why is everyone here so mean and bitter towards everyone and everything?
To #32 (chronic),
“ummmmm”… YEAH! I DO care about how the votes are revealed. After all, this IS a democracy-based show. But then it’s TV, so I guess that’s excuse enough. I guess I’m just the rare viewer who likes more untampered authenticity, I guess. I just think it’s stupid how they really patronize the viewers like that. For the first few years it was ok, but now it’s just getting old.
I agree with Blah, you made me cry
Why is everyone convinced that Rafe would have won this against Danni? I am not so sure about this. I would question who both Jamie and Judd would have voted for. Rafe could have very easily “cracked” under any type of interrogation and had Stephanie had any time at Loser Lodge she could have very easily let everyone know that it was BOTH her and Rafe calling the shots. I am not so certain that Danni would have lost this against him. Why are all of you?
And yes — Danni is a beautiful girl and I don’t think it is highly apparent that she has had a few too many surgeries. She is a pageant girl even though she is a jock. How sad is it that I remember her as the Miss Teen Kansas? I am from Kansas City and was surprised to know she was from Tonganoxie. I remember her interview saying that her hometown had only one stoplight. Strange — but I thought she was quite cute then and she is beautiful now. She has modeled around the world — I’d say she is beautiful — although at the same time I would think she’d have some money since it should go a bit further and last longer in Kansas. But oh well . . .
Congrats to her.
That made you cry?
OK then, to be less dismissive…to elaborate, it’s still a “democrary-based” show no matter what order the votes are read. Yes, it can be painfully obvious, but clearly they’re going to prolong reading the votes as much as they can to create suspense. And wouldn’t it kinda seem weird for Probst to still be reading votes after someone’s already been voted off. “Hold the rant! We’re still revealing votes.”
And if you’re looking for “untampered authenticity”, it’s SURVIVOR.
Like Gen (#37), I too was a doofus who forgot the damn finale was on last night. I was SUPER PO’ed when I logged on and saw that I had missed it. Juddfan wants the 3 hours back that the finale stole from her life? I want the 18 weeks (or whatever) back that I put into this boring season since I missed the best part!
Was Gary confronted with his lie at the Reunion?
Oh, and for what it’s worth (2 cents or so), I always thought Steph’s eyebrows were wicked sexy.
Thanks B-Side and all you commentators (yes, jack, I mean YOU!!!) for the fun reliving of an otherwise so-so season.
Panama? Wtf? You know what place Survivor should go to? Siberia. That is, unless people actually like watching these smelly carcasses in scant clothing.
Ok ok Chronic… you made your point; WINNER: CHRONIC! I was being sarcastic, mmkay? Let’s bring it down a notch.
I’m not going to have a battle of words with you, but I still think it’s very patronizing to viewers in how they reveal votes on the show. I think there are other ways to do it that are just as suspensful.
And I always wondered how long it actually takes Jeff Probst to go get the votes. He/someone obviously tampers with the votes and puts them in the right order for him prior to pulling them out. If I were playing the game, I’d be a bit suspicious of some fishy business going on. But I’ll never be on the show so that’s all moot.
You should apply! Seriously, all TVGasm readers should. Tell ‘em Vancouverite sent ya! *clikcs tounge*
Anyway, I forfeit this argument; YOU WIN. Yay you!
I don’t see how Probst reveals the votes as patronizing.
He never says “I’ll go get the votes.” He says “I’ll go tally the votes.”
I have read that the survivors set at tribal council for some time while they determine the order of revealing the votes. Who cares about us — can you imagine how awkward and uncomfortable that silence must be after you’ve just sliced your friend’s neck.
That must have been what Jamie meant with his strange comment about being nice to people when/after you vote for them.
Personally I think the giant “Mayan sharpie” is the most patronising thing about the voting process.
Can you buy those anywhere? They’re freakin’ hilarious.
Chronic…the Mayan Sharpie!! You noticed!!!!
Ridiculously pretentious.
“Native Guatemalans, descendants of the Maya, mosey into camp bearing foodstuffs and a chicken. Steph’s eyes go wide. “Do we get to eat that?” she whispers. And then, when the chicken’s head has been ceremoniously pulled off and tossed into the fire, she asks again, “Is it dead?” Not content to leave well enough alone, she bullies Lydia into asking the natives if they can eat the burnt chicken carcass. The answer is, ahem, absolutely not. Although Steph probably ate more and better than anyone else this season, she is clearly two steps from pushing one of the Guatemalans into the campfire and devouring them whole.”
Haha, great stuff
Lydia should of won for just putting up with Stephony. Lydia was her bitch, now she needs payment! Have her on again.
Next Survivor–Navajo nation. Stephony could eat all the mice she wanted.
Well, they clearly did not want another 15 hour final immunity challenge like the one between Tom and Ian. They probably would have been better off letting go of both ropes at once. I am pleased Danni won, if it couldn’t be Bobby Jon. I am really gonna miss him. Panama just won’t be the same.
How interesting that Stephanie and Lydia didn’t vote Danni out! What a joke! It should’ve been Steph, Rafe and Lydia for final three! But, I think Steph would’ve won immunity and maybe taken Lydia – What a choice that would be for the jury. I wish Steph could’ve seen through Danni’s niceness and voted her out. She was an outsider all the way and sneaked in the finals. Sad about the results
Apprentrix-
Gary WAS confronted about his season-long lie at the reunion show. Danni said she recognized him at a casting session b/c her dad is a huge cowboys fan, and then knew for sure that it was him when she went to his college for a sports assignment (her job) and saw a shrine to him there. So- she knew all along. Amy said she was still gonna “beat him down” but she was joking around. B-side should be recapping that show too.
Chronic, I believe that’s a Mayan Marks-A-Lot. I was surprised little Lydia could grasp that monster with her tiny sausage fingers.
Haha, poor ol’ Lydia. Yeah, deffo seems more like the sturdy stroke of a Marks-a-Lot. I was just paying homage to the ever-observant B-side.
Seriously though, why they insist on doing it up like it’s some ancient tribal artefact every season is beyond me. Not to mention, there’s something subtly wrong about the assumption that “primitive” cultures use needlessly humungous writing instruments.
Nevertheless, I WANT ONE!!
um – I picked Danni to win in the pre-poll, where are the results B-Side, I wanna see who else had it right. actually, I picked Brandon, Danni & Gary as final 3 – 1/3, not too bad!
Did Jeff say they would be eliminated in the final challenge when their feet hit the ground? Well, couldn’t you just sit on the ground like Steph did, keeping your feet on the platform? Bet they didn’t think of that.
If Lydia had made the final three, Steph would have won the challenge. Would she have turned on her friend and taken Lydia to the final two? And then would Steph have won?
Danni looked superb. Extensions, implants, whatever– who cares? She looked absouletly lucious, and she played a nice clean game, so well done to her.
Hey, just wanted to give credit to Lydia for her closing remarks in the reunion–guess it’s not that big of a strategy to be the “mom” but it was better than just coasting . . . Also, loved Rafe’s comment, after Cindy went on and on about the jungle and missing it, that “at least she could take her Torrent and drive to Guatemala”–hysterical, and a better segway than Mr. P could have done!!!
(I know that might not be the right spelling of segway, but I’m too lazy to look up the correction of it on the ARFE site!)
For all who think Danni did something specifically for Playboy or for the finale, I have to disagree. Her picture (posted on Survivor’s home page) before she won still has many of the same features. So, if she indeed does lip injections, then she was doing them well before the Survivor finale.
Just my two cents…
Here’s her picture…
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor11/survivors/bio_danni.shtml
I want to know where Judd works. I want to go to the hotel and say “Hey!” like the girl in THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN preview. (Please someone say that you know what I’m talking about. I LOVE the way she says that!!!!)
Danni looks like a dark-haired version of that woman who plays Joey’s agent on Joey. She was in that movie Best of Show and I think she was the MILF in American Pie. What’s her name…Jennifer something?
No, nobody_particular. Your teeth don’t become nun’s habit white overnight and your lips don’t become duckbill-like instantly. She had work done, and it was obvious.
I’ll never figure out apologists like you…
Suebee, I think you mean Jennifer Coolidge. I don’t see the resemblance tho.
http://imdb.com/name/nm0177639/
Spork: Do you realize that the whole Survivor show is filmed months in advance, and the Final Tribal Council happened at least 4 months before the LIVE Survivor reunion?.Thus, Danni’s transformation didn’t happen “overnight” you idiot.
Up until the finale, Rafe should’ve won. But his 2 biggest mistakes was not listening to Steph and keeping Lydia for the Final 3, and “releasing” Danni from her Final 2 obligation.
When Danni won final immunity, I knew she’d won the whole thing. And she probably deserved it for the maneuvering she did in the past few weeks.
And is it just me, or has the nastiness among post-ers here gotten much worse in the last few weeks? Why can’t we all just lurve one another? It’s all for fun, isn’t it?
Too cool. Absolutely right.