Survivor: A Feather In America’s Cap

Survivor

By Moorels | Monday, April 18, 2011 | 8:00 am | 23 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Survivor


We start with some lamenting from Matt on Redemption Island, which we can skip over because, who cares? He’ll just be back in four weeks to trust Rob again. We can file Matt right after “Lil” in “Reasons Eliminated Players Should Not Be Allowed to Reenter The Game.”

9.1matt

“I’m sure Rob wouldn’t betray me THREE times in a row, would he?”

Day 22 at Murlonio, where Zapatera is talking about the genius of Rob’s move. David compares Rob’s elimination to a mob hit, extending the Robfather thing even further. Julie talks about how cold-blooded it was to send Matt right back to RI, extending the reasons she probably won’t win even further.

Ralph makes the most bizarrely random strategic move ever, asking Ashley and Natalie if he’s next to go. Ashley and Natalie are like, “duh, we don’t make any decisions,” which is when Ralph reveals that he’ll vote for Ashley in the Final Three. He doesn’t say anything in his confessional about this being a strategic move, so we have to assume that Ralph has just decided that Ashley is playing the most masterful game of Survivor ever and she deserves a million dollars. Ralph, you just earned your self-proclaimed title of dumbass.

9.2rob

Not only is Rob better at Survivor than Russell, he also puts together a sexier harem.

Meanwhile, Rob puts the final nail in the coffin of building a full-on cult, telling Ometepe that from now on they make no decisions until just before Tribal Council and they have to stay with their buddies at all times. Oh MAN I wish I could have seen how Sandra and Courtney would have reacted to a proposed buddy system. My favorite part of this scene is definitely how Phillip is talking over Rob the whole time, clarifying useless shit about only talking to Zapatera about the weather.

So Rob talks more about keeping an us v. them mentality and how he wants his tribe to act like arrogant jerks so they lose jury votes and blah blah blah Rob is a really good player. Let’s move on and / or give him some real competition. Natalie pulls Rob aside and makes a really big deal about the aforementioned Ralph vowing to give Ashley the million.

9.3natalie

“We should probably like, have sex or something to get back at her.”

Rob tells us that now Ashley will be gone before the Final Three because she has angered the Robfather. “This is my game,” he sneers. “I’m in charge.” VILLAIN. Not only is it weird that Ralph apparently did this non-strategically, it’s also weird that Rob seems to be falling for something that seems like such an obvious ploy to divide Ometepe. It ALSO also seems weird that this will never be mentioned again tonight, so we must be setting this up for aways down the road.

It’s a double elimination tonight, so challenge time. This happens:

9.4phillip

Word, Julie’s face.

Jeff gets all mock-y and asks Phillip if he collided with a hawk (I wish Phillip had been sarcastic right back and been like, “yeah, Jeff. That’s exactly what happened.), to which Phillip tells a story about meditating and the feather appeared LITERALLY out of thin air. So, to quote Phillip, “it’s looking like a great day for the former Otempo tribe.” Have I said before how much I love Phillip?

Also, on a brief tangent, I feel like Phillip is basically a satire of what the Survivor game has become in the past ten years. He betrayed his first alliance for pure theatricality at Tribal Council, he has a random gimmicky job that he talks about all the time, and he openly mispronounces names of fellow contestants and stupid local words turned into tribe names. So if it turns out he’s actually doing genius social commentary, I would not be surprised. For now, I’m just going to keep enjoying him.

Today’s challenge is digging up clubs and smashing stuff, and then moving water with your mouth, and then a puzzle. Good Survivor stuff. Worth noting is Jeff’s near-orgasm when Rob smashes his tile and Julie’s surprising ineptness at spitting water into a tube. You know, for a fireman.

9.5jeff

All of Jeff’s sexual fantasies probably involve shattering tiles, retrieving keys, and cubic puzzles.

The final round is Grant v. Mike v. David. And David fails at the puzzle. I’ll ask it again: Where the FUCK did we get the idea that he was the Puzzlemaster? He gets beat by fucking Grant, who is known for being muscle-y and letting Rob do his thinking for him. So good job Grant. Time to vote off the first Zapatera. And sitting at home on her sofa, Sarita is vindicated.

4.8sarita

Man, she was so forgettable I can’t even think of a funny caption.

Mike says he was close and he’s upset he lost. When they get back, David and Mike think that the flagpole is in a different spot and start digging for another idol, which Rob then notices from halfway down the beach and then orders his clan to go after them. Hilarious here is how everyone just sort of meanders after Rob like a sheep, except Phillip who takes off sprinting.

Mike and David didn’t find anything but Rob gets the shovels out, so they start screwing with Rob and making casual comments about digging. Pretty funny, truth be told. Though I am upset you’re not trying to crack the Ometepes. Ashley and Natalie are dumber than Ralph’s rocks, but Rob has crazy paranoia and you should be able to do something with that.

Also, David calls the alliance The Mariano Crime Syndicate, and that will be it’s official name until Phillip officially christens them in twenty minutes as Stealth ‘R Us.

Phillip wants to vote for Ralph, but everyone is like, “shut up Phillip” and they have to decide between Mike and David. If only you could vote out both tonight! Then they literally take their buddy’s hands, and Ashley and Natalie say stuff about going to the bathroom that would make me laugh if I weren’t busying sending death threats to the CBS Casting Department.

Tribal Council #1! Jeff asks Phillip about knowing that his feather would bring luck to Grant, and Phillip tells us about his great-great grandfather the full-blooded Cherokee who also visited him in his meditation, and said that Ometepe will live long in Survivor lore. From now on, almost everything Phillip says will be presented verbatim because I just can’t summarize it and do it justice any longer.

Jeff tells Mike he’s in trouble. Thanks, Jeff. Julie and David tell everyone that Phillip is on the bottom of his alliance.

9.6phillip

“I enjoy being on the bottom. It’s a nice place to be. You can look up and see what’s going on.“

Julie awesomely says something about how Matt probably felt the same way. Man, why is Julie such a badass? Ralph says that he might get a feather tomorrow too.

 

9.7phillip
“It takes courage and determination and knowing when to hold your tongue to get a feather.“

Ralph keeps making fun of Phillip and Mike jumps in, saying he’s mostly insecure. Man, I didn’t think anything could outcrazy last season’s tribal councils, but this is coming close. Phillip’s defense?

You’re right, I’m just a guy who got a college degree, became a special agent working for three separate agencies. I served in the United States army and had the second-highest medal they give during peacetime.

David calls him a lunatic, and Phillip says David is at the bottom of a cesspool and he will be amazed when he says Steve sail away. I love love LOVE insane articulate people.

Finally we vote, and it’s five for Phillip and six for Mike. Bye Mike! Sorry you got burned by cult!

Jesus, we still have like half an hour left. Ok, so Rob tells Phillip that he’s actually his #2 guy, which really nicely addresses what I thought was the fatal flaw in Rob’s game. Rob is psyched that Phillip is back under his thumb and Phillip babbles on like a little kid / Coach about how good a job he did tonight. Rob says Natalie and Phillip in the Final Three is his gameplan.

Phillip talks about how he’s playing crazy a little bit so that Rob will take him to the end, so good for him. I would LOVE to see him win, let me just say that.

Ralph decides he wants to play Survivor and David says a bunch of stuff about they’re fucked and stand no chance. Oh, shut it, Puzzlemaster. Fortunately, Ralph decides to do something. Unfortunately, he does it by randomly shouting to Phillip and Andrea about playing individually and not letting Rob win. Why oh why would they jeopardize their cushy free ride, Ralph? You need to make them afraid! Tell them Rob wants them gone next! Phillip says he won’t talk about the game and basically Phillips his way through telling Ralph to leave them alone and go away.

It’s challenge time again, and today we’re doing the James Clement Memorial “you can either play or eat a mountain of food” thing.

9.8james

Man, am I glad we don’t have to watch this guy any more. Until the next All-Star season, at least.

The only ones that choose to sit out are Phillip, because getting to choose food over immunity is one of the perks of being the token crazy person, and Steve, because he probably figured out he needs to make himself look as weak as possible to stick around longest.

Everyone else is doing an immunity thing hanging over a pool. Phillip does awesome cheering on of Ometepe members and heckling of David. After twenty minutes they have to hang on with their legs only, and finally we get down to just David and the Ometepe girlz. But then he falls, and Natalie and Ashley drop to let Andrea win. See ya David!

Back at camp, Ralph finds a bunch of fish in their net, but Rob says since they’re dead they can’t eat them. So what we get now is a tribal divide wherein the Zapateras eat the fish (which seems perfectly fine) and the Ometepes are so fucking conditioned that they obey Rob and don’t even eat the food, even though they’re starving. But Grant does wanders over and take a bite, which I’m hoping will turn out to be metaphoric.

Tribal Council #2! This is, verbatim, what Phillip says-

“For the first time in 22 seasons, there’s a highly effective, and beauteous and glorious operation on effect right now. It’s called STEALTH! [Phillip is] known as the Specialist. My principle responsibilities are to infiltrate and supplant inceptions into the former Zaparara tribe.”

And it just goes on and on. Rob develops strategies and alliances, Grant destroys aspirations, the girls are the Three Degrees. This.Is.Glorious.

Jeff keeps mocking Stealth ‘R Us and Ralph attacks Phillip for eating instead of playing today, and Phillip says his tribe understands. He also talks about their buddy system and says they can’t be destroyed.

Julie talks about how they’re a cult, which basically seals the deal that she will be next to go because she’s way more of a strategic threat than Steve or Ralph. Oh yeah, David is still technically here. He writes Rob’s name down four time on his vote and makes a joke about it counting four times, but alas and alack Killjoy Probst refuses to comply. Aaaaand David is gone.

Is there any hope that Andrea and Phillip will flip and vote out Rob and his cult? Or are we doomed to watch Natalie head to the finish line?

About

Moorels enjoys hiking, cross-county skiing, and long walks on the beach. Haha, jk, jk, he enjoys watching TV, making fun of people, and eating. He thanks God he found a blogging position that caters to all three. Right now he's living it up Southern-California style, and when he's not mocking accomplished celebrities he likes to drink and attend college. They're not mutually exclusive.

23 Comments

  1. 1
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Has anybody verified Phillip’s oft-alluded to job? Or is he your garden-variety, semi-homeless, medium-functioning schizophrenic?

    I keep expecting Phillip to show up on “Say Yes the Dress”, and start trying on dresses, and just act completely natural about it.

  2. 2
    Bioscotto
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 8:48 am

    If something doesn’t happen soon, this is going to be one boring season…except for Phillip, of course, who is the only one providing anything worth watching. I hate obvious tribal councils…and I can’t believe how blindly Rob’s group is following him…and the power plays he is getting away with! “Don’t eat their food because I said so!”?? That’s amazing!

  3. 3
    Aldrick
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 9:05 am

    I love Phillip, and I have to wonder how much of the crazy is an act and how much is real. In one of his confessionals he seemed fairly self-aware, pointing out that people think he is crazy and that just increases his chances that he’ll be taken to the final three by Rob. (And he’s correct, of course.)

    I’m hoping that Phillip will be taken to the final three by Rob, then during opening statements make some grand reveal. He’d tell everyone that this whole time he’s been putting on an act because he knew he’d be taken to the final three. He’d then reveal that he’s insanely rich or something, and tell them that if they give him the money he’s going to donate every penny to charity.

    I’d want Phillip to do that – just to fuck over Rob. I’ll give Rob props, he’s doing an amazing job. I’m even laughing at the little cult he’s formed. However, it just isn’t interesting to watch Rob walk around without even a hint of a challenge. At the rate things are going he’s simply going to coast to the finals… and unless Phillip does some type of big reveal that stuns / shocks / changes the perceptions of him… well… Rob is going to win the million.

    I’m hoping that Ashely and Grant betray Rob(and Phillip too – but I doubt he will – he clearly knows he’s on a one way trip to the final three with Rob).

    Regardless of what happens, if Phillip makes it to the final three I want him to win. Just so I can laugh my ass off as Rob sits there dumbfounded.

  4. 4
    considerthis
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 9:32 am

    There are 3 now on Redemption Island – are they going to stock pile cast-offs and have 1 big showcase showdown to see who re-enters the game?

    What if…
    Phillip is a 100% lucid, normal, well adjusted person and he is in constant “acting” mode as he feels it is his bet strategy to be the derranged one. If I am correct he is the best secret agent EVAH! Wouldn’t that be a hoot!

  5. 5
    Drew Glindemann
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Rob really enjoys putting nails in his own coffin doesn’t he?

    matter of time

    in the meanwhile I’ll still root for phillip and andrea

    also: Matt is worse than Lil. Lil and Burton, both returning actually played hard when they came back in their season. Regardless of their reasonings for how they acted, they both switched up the games and worked to get rid of many annoying cast members like the horrible Andrew Savage and Rupert, two VERY OVERRATED players of that season.

    Plus they helped Sandra to win unknowingly and Lil didn’t let Jon in the finals so I like both burton and lil for that.

  6. 6
    Moli Moli
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 9:57 am

    I’m starting to think Phillip is putting on an act. But, please don’t give us the big reveal until the very end, this was a Phil-a-ful episode. IMO, Phil is BETTER than Coach:)….Coach was a Samurai/Amazon Warrior, while Phil is a Double or Triple government agent WITH a degree(how awesome is that). Why are the other (non)players even on the show? I know Julie only because she scares the bejeezus out of me…..why are her eyes so beady? Explain to me hor are all these idiots blindly following Rob? Have they watched the show? the question oh so many questions.

  7. 7
    AntSuck
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 10:12 am

    @Moli, in response to your question of whether or not the Ometepe people have even watched the show, my answer is YES. And that is why they’re playing that way. People who play loudly (Boston Rob and Russell, for instance), never win. Nor should they, because they always play bad social games.

    What’s going to happen is that, come final 6, all of the Ometepes will vote out Rob. He’ll be the first one to go. And I’m thinking Andrea will win out of all of these people.

    Just because Survivor’s douchebag editors choose not to show Ashley, Natalie, Andrea, and Grant, doesn’t mean they aren’t playing the game. By that standard, Natalie White “didn’t play the game” in the Samoa season. Thinking that way just makes people sound like Russell-tards.

  8. 8
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    When Phil was spouting that shit about having the second highest medal awarded during peacetime, I really wanted Mike to stand up and say “YEAH? WELL I WAS IN IRAQ MOTHERFUCKER!” I mean how is Phil going to argue with that? It probably would have made him cry.

    And, by the way, I call bullshit on the claim to that medal. The second highest peacetime medal is the Legion of Merit. And if he was only in the army for 4 years, he didn’t get it. He already said on a previous show that he did field sanitation. You don’t get the Legion of Merit for digging toilets. The Legion of Merit only goes to generals and colonels except for very exceptional circumstances. I’ll bet he has an Army Commendation medal. Yeah.. my husband has 3 of those (plus lots of lesser medals). Oh yeah.. and a Silver Star. :D Basically at the end of a tour you get a medal if you aren’t a total fuck up. Most people get an Army Achievement medal. If they did a good job, you can get an Army Commendation. My husband said that back then, he doubts whether a lower enlisted field sanitation person could even get an ArComm.

    I while back I googled Philip and his company’s website came up. It is a company that provides software solutions to businesses. They aren’t a software company. They just, I guess, sell other peoples software. Who knows how successful it is.

  9. 9
    Mister Dangerous
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    I think I’ve lost interest because I keep forgetting the show’s on and missing the first 1/2 hour. Uh, I’m not paying that close attention but hasn’t Russell’s team been losing tribe members since they threw that challenge and sent Russell to RI? Has anybody but me noticed that? I think I need a Russell fix. I hope he does Celebrity Apprentice next season. Philip is a 2nd rate Coach. Philip should try to invent an original character.

  10. 10
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I can’t get the warm fuzzies over Russell like Mister Dangerous does, but Russell on Celebrity Apprentice would be awesome. He’s totally qualified too, being the self-made millionaire that he is, and Trump had better not try to make him take his hat off in the boardroom. Just don’t have Boston Rob on with him.

  11. 11
    nyccookie
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Mr. D,
    I totally agree with you. I guess great minds do think alike! I do love me some Russel, and Coach is still first on my Favorite Most Original Nutcase List.

  12. 12
    Maria Danton
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Ralph had me dying…”maybe i’ll get a feather…maybe a whole damn bird will fall on my head”

  13. 13
    Aldrick
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Based off Snootchy Bootches comment I decided to Google Phil… Holy crap! I have no idea how successful his company is, but he’s the owner of a business called Enterprise Software Sales Group. He claims his work experience as follows: “Prior to founding ESSG, Mr. Sheppard worked for software companies with a variety of technologies including Legent Corp., Goal Systems, Informatica, Arbor Software, Pentaho, Broadbase Software, Sybase, and several other multi-faceted vertical markets around the United States. Mr. Sheppard is also a former Federal Agent and US Army Veteran.”

    Sooo… I’m somewhat more hopeful for a big reveal in the end. If Phillip reveals it all to be an act… Best. Undercover. Agent. EVAH!

    Also, I found this site: http://www.specialagentsheppard.com/

  14. 14
    Chicken Lips
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    I read somewhere (I can’t find the site, but I’ll keep looking) that he was a “federal agent” for the Defense Investigative Service and he did background checks on people. And that they called all those people “Special Agent”. I went into work the next day and demanded a job title change. It was denied, but I still refer to myself as Special Agent Chicken Lips. Gives me the warm fuzzies.

  15. 15
    Chicken Lips
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Found it – it’s a website for (apparently) law enforcement. http://www.911jobforums.com/showthread.php?63564-Survivor-Former-Special-Agent!

  16. 16
    soapboxx
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Phillip is way funnier than Coach, and I liked Coach! Next week evidently Phil whips out his race card. That should be interesting….

  17. 17
    Robin Robinez
    Posted April 19, 2011 at 12:33 am

    My Sis has worked for The Dept of Defense for 30 yrs. Her job title is deputy now, but has always been an “agent”. Even back when she was working as a locksmith, she was still an “agent” for the government.

    I am not sure if he is all he say’s he is, but it is hella funny watching him so far. It looks to me like he is going off the deep end next week. He showed a bit of the race card this week and it looks like he will dig in deeper next week. It makes me kinda sad because I have enjoyed him and all of his quirks. I hope he doesn’t change my mind.

    Thanks for the recap Moorels. I also get a kick when Phillip mispronounces stuff! We need a drinking game! Everytime he mispronounces a word we drink. It can’t hurt! lol

    I think Rob is a asshat. Even so, I am not sure if I could stand watching my husband sleep beside other chicks and whisper to them as they lay side by side. That’s just me.. maybe Ambah told him to woo the girls with his sexy voice and his manly, intoxicating physical presence..lolol

    I need David to come back. For some reason I picked him as my MVP on the TVgasm Fantasy Survivor…

    Take care, Robin

  18. 18
    Robin Robinez
    Posted April 19, 2011 at 12:37 am

    PS @ Snootchy,

    Sending warm Thanks to your husband for his service to us.

    TC, Robin

  19. 19
    Robin Robinez
    Posted April 19, 2011 at 1:04 am

    Oh and another thing..about the medals..This is kinda funny..My BIL was taking a poopy in the John when his unit was fired upon. He was the only one that got hurt. He was shot in the leg. He got numerous medals for his “shit and hit” as some folks in the family refer to it.(the ones that have served) BTW, his name is John. Also, my husband was on the Kennedy in 75 when it caught on fire from a collision with the Bellknap. This was still wartime. He got one medal for that, as did the rest. From what I have gathered, some branches of the service are more generous concerning medals. I am so curious about Phillips story. He mentioned that he served 3 different branches of the millitary? Maybe he did! He provided software to the navy, army and merchant marines?

    Hell, even Vicky from the OC is an agent if I want to get technical! lol

    I want to know the truth about him so badly!..

    TC, Robin

  20. 20
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 19, 2011 at 8:01 am

    @Robin, thanks. :)

  21. 21
    here4beer
    Posted April 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    just when I thought it wasn’t possible to love Phillip any more, I read his web bio:
    “My name is Phillip Sheppard, I’m a special emisary for the world law enforcement agency of laws and justice. I am also the writer, producer, owner and director of Survivor. My hobbies include crab hunting, under wear modeling, javalin tossing, and secret agent stuff.”

    l-o-effing-l

  22. 22
    nyccookie
    Posted April 20, 2011 at 5:43 am

    Phillip is a fine character to watch–but Coach is the real deal.

  23. 23
    Lisa Smilowski
    Posted April 20, 2011 at 10:11 am

    @Bioscotto: TOTALLY agree with everyone you posted. Well said.

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