Survivor: Ashley Plays Survivor

I’ve read a lot of negative reviews of this season of Survivor since we hit the merge, and while I agree with most of it I still find myself excited about this episode. And hey, Sunday is finale day so the worst that can happen is another hour of Rob calling the shots before we end the season, right?

Back at Murlonio, there’s this weird eerie piano music tinkling as everyone arrives back at camp, pretty happy that Andrea was too dumb to flip in the six million chances that she had. Ashley says she loves to see the look on people’s faces when they’re blindsided, just like I would have loved to have seen the look on her face when she saw her edit.

Seriously, up until tonight we could have switched her out with Krista at random intervals and no one would have cared.

Ashley and Natalie celebrate being the last girls standing and decide to try and work together to win (seriously, watching them at this stage in the game try to puzzle out what an alliance is was hilarious) and then Natalie says she’ll probably stick with Rob. Which she then does by immediately ratting her out to Rob. Remember the random Ashley/Ralph controversy like ten episodes ago? Then Rob decides to remind us AGAIN he’s been trying to win Survivor for a really long time.

Meanwhile back at RI, Andrea makes the most awkward arrival ever because everyone now knows she should have flipped with them. She and Matt have a cute argument about who is looking at whom cute or angry and then she tells him like EVERYTHING America would like to tell Matt about how he’s bad at Survivor and messed up her game. And then they don’t let her sleep in the shelter with them. LOL. And THEN Ralph makes another joke involving wiping one’s ass. Man, it only took the entire season, but RI is finally relevant.

Dual time! Andrea cries, which we will not be talking about because this is 100% her own damn fault.

“I’m just really hurt that my strategy of never thinking failed.”

It’s a table puzzle and then a maze, so standard Survivor fare. Jeff keeps yelling something about letting the handle of the puzzle hover, which is weird. Ralph is actually really good at the maze and finishes first, Matt gave up like a week ago so he’s super calm. Andrea won’t shut the fuck up.

Andrea: “WHY WON’T THIS PUZZLE GO WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS MAYBE I SHOULD KEEP TALKING REALLY LOUDLY.”

Matt: “Whatever.”

So then Ralph does really bad at the puzzle part and Jeff taunts him, then yells about how they should all want to win one million dollars and being on the jury “blows.” I have nothing else to say about Jeff that I haven’t said before. And Ralph is out. Goddamnit. I wanted a Zapatera to steal it from these morons.

How did we never talk about this ensemble?

After a short nature documentary about a crocodile eating a duck, we’re all complaining about rice, because I guess we’re out of it. Rob uses this to stir up anti-Ashley sentiment with Grant, and that’s all Grant needs to agree to vote her out next. Phillip is harassing the girls about how they don’t need rice as much as the boys, which is pretty bad, but it’s also perfect for Rob’s game. Phillip flies into one of his freak-outs about how many calories they each consume which he knows because he’s “a well-read person,” which causes the girls to giggle uncontrollably.

“Books? Gross!”

But then, Phillip actually starts getting game relevant about how they follow Rob blindly. Uh, maybe DON’T remind Rob that you are this smart right in front of him? Then he jumps into the shelter and Natalie squeals and jumps out, which is actually pretty funny.

So Boston Rob calls Phillip crazy (“not n-word crazy,” he clarifies) and says this sucks for him because now the girls are being pushed closer together. But Natalie still has blind-loyalty to Rob. There’s a great scene where Rob kinda floats voting Ashley out next by Natalie and as soon as Natalie is hesitant he immediately puts all the blame on Grant for proposing it and says they’ll think about it, then again promises that he’ll get Natalie to the end. Pretty masterful. Oh, and ASHLEY has somehow come up with a plan to win. WTF?

She and Natalie go to Rob at night and make the valid argument that they should send Grant to RI so that he can win the dual and reenter the game instead of Mike, and mad props to Ashley for trying something BESIDES throwing Phillip under the bus. Rob pretends to consider it but is all like, “I ran this plan weeks ago and it’s no good” and immediately runs to Grant and tells him. So now we have a pretty good Grant v. Ashley rivalry. Also, recall that Rob still has the hidden idol for tonight, which is pretty big. I’m pleasantly surprised by the amount of strategy so far.

Going to get Tree Mail, the three men of Stealth R Us decide they’re going to stick together. Man, is anyone actually rooting for Grant? Besides his brother-in-law?

For some reason, Ashley has decided to suddenly wake up and starting playing now, and she’s excited about their plan to blindside Grant. BUT it all hinges on Natalie, who is still starstruck with the Rob cult.

Boston Rob is not to be trusted. Even when he’s relaxing on stupid swings.

Rob tells Natalie that he’ll decide later but he has HER back, which essentially signifies that Ashley is not protected. The sad music starts playing for Natalie, who’s Beach Day has apparently just come to a close. Rob is really clever about telling Natalie that Ashley is ruining her game, and then when Ashley walks over switches hilariously to talking about food or something. So much drama, so unexpectedly centered on Ashley!

Immunity challenge! Today we’re doing a weird-ass fish puzzle, and also tying one hand behind our backs. Because why the fuck not, I guess?

This challenge brought to you by the production team’s ten-year-old children.

They’re playing for reward and also a huge meal that will be delivered to their camp, which sounds not at all drama-inducing.

Grant is flying through the challenge like usual and Ashley is making it interesting, until she falls way behind but suddenly recovers. Natalie does a horrible job. Jeff tells her she might as well “sit down and watch,” which may be the most dickish thing he has ever said during a challenge. And that’s a competitive category.

I will spare you my riveting challenge recap and just jump right to: Ashley winning. LOL. I never thought I would type these words, but I’m glad Ashley won immunity. Ashley chooses Natalie to share the reward. Whatchoo gonna do now, Mariano?

Rob is really pissed about Ashley and then starts saying his goodbyes to Grant in his confessional, which is so perfect in a sinister Boston Rob way. He goes to Natalie and Ashley and says that they’re solid with Grant, again reaffirming he’ll never vote for Natalie. Man, Rob has some very real personal attachment to Natalie. I think if she were smarter, she could hurt him like no one else could ever hurt Rob on Survivor. Besides that one chick that he played with that other time. Grant and Rob plan to vote Natalie. I LOVE that Phillip has earned a season-long free pass.

Then, as if the earlier challenge couldn’t get more David Lynch, the girls’ food arrives from waiters in full formal attire.

They grab that red blanket that they’ve had forever and eat a bunch of really delicious looking food, and then roll around and cry about how sick they are and how much they love each other. Much like me and vodka.

Rob compares the girls to a couple (only in my fanfic, Rob) and reiterates that they’re dangerous. The girls wander back and Natalie starts talking to Rob. So…no immunity idol clue? Did they not find it or was there not one? CONSPIRACY. Also, why hasn’t Rob debated playing / not playing it yet? Are we just supposed to pretend all that awesome dashing through the jungle didn’t happen. For the next twenty minutes Rob just like goes through a million different scenarios about who to keep and let’s just skip to the vote, huh?

Ralph is rocking an awesome Hawaiian shirt.

Ashley feels safe. Grant wanted to win and does not feel safe. Rob pretends he does not feel safe.

So then Jeff berates Ashley for picking Natalie and exposing their alliance, and really, was this a secret? Once you spend the first how many days plucking each other’s hair and having beach days, I feel like the alliance is pretty much public information. Rob gets the chance to talk about Amber and his daughter again. Grant misses his fiance who weirdly didn’t come visit last week. Good episode, boring tribal council. Let’s vote.

It’s 4/1 for Grant, and he’s gone. Man, he must be PISSED at Rob. This was a good episode of Survivor (even if that didn’t come through on the recap), because it was a lot of strategy and playing out scenarios. So, Sunday night is finale time. WHO DO WE LIKE?