Survivor: Bye Bye Beardy

After Danielle’s ouster, Parvati is predictably upset with Russell for being a total dick. I’m not sure why anyone’s surprised by that anymore, frankly. Even though Parvati has a little bitch session with Jerri over how terrible Russell is (and how far have these two come since the beginning of the season?), Parvati still knows that her best bet is to keep Russell around anyway because everyone hates him. She refocuses her efforts, resolving to target Colby and Rupert so that she has a shot at the prize.

At camp the next day, Russell still thinks he made the right decision last week: “I think getting rid of Danielle saved my butt,” he says, lying to himself. Quick! Name a way in which Russell is better off than he was last week. Besides the fact that he doesn’t have to peer into the wormhole on Danielle’s sternum, I mean. “Parvati has no one to lean her head on but me,” he says emphatically. It doesn’t need to be pointed out that Parvati doesn’t exactly need to “lean” her head on anyone, obviously. But also: you think she doesn’t dislike Russell so much that she’d simply replace Danielle with Jerri, or try to go to the final three with the other two girls? How, exactly, did Russell leave Parvati with no options? In fact, I’d say she’s now exploring previously undiscovered ones involving Sandra. In summary: way to go, Stumpy the Machiavellian Elf!

If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Reward Challenge. Today we’ll be meeting families! I do so love this part. It’s like seeing how the sausage gets made, though. Once you meet Russell’s wife, there’s no unremembering that grisly experience. Probst trots out Parvati’s dad, Colby’s brother, Jerri’s sister and Sandra’s awesome uncle. Tthere’s some crying about Sandra’s mom here, but the whole thing really should have remained private so we’re going to gloss over it. Russell’s wife (last seen looking white trash fabulous at least year’s reunion) emerges from the jungle next, rocking what I’m pretty sure are some weird fake boobs. The whole Danielle alliance make a lot more sense now, doesn’t it?

Yeah, wait until Sunday, chump.

Of course, no reward challenge would be complete without seeing Rupert stick his tongue down his wife’s throat. If you’ve seen Rupert make out with his wife once, you’ve seen it a hundred times. I have to be honest: I have SO had enough of him and her and their love up in my grill. I’m not saying the guy doesn’t love his wife, but the whole scene just as gross and fake and pandering as everything else Rupert does, which is to say: very gross and very fake and very pandering. Plus, liking Rupert is so 2004, editors; hating Rupert is the new hotness, show.

Oh yeah, the challenge. The Survivors will scoop water out of the ocean using a can, tossing the water to their loved ones, who will catch the water with their own can. The loved ones will then transfer the water into a pail. The first pair to fill their pail wins reward, which is a trip to something called “the blowholes”. And before you begin using the word “blowhole” in your comments: don’t even, you guys. It’s too easy. I respect you all way too much to give you a pass on this one.

The challenge begins, and there is water tossing. Colby’s brother seems to be picking it up just as well as the other family members, but Colby screams and yells at him like a little bitch the whole time. Man, he is just unpleasant. Sandra is typically smart and sneaky; she tells her uncle in Spanish to try and catch the water that Russell is throwing to his wife. He begins to cut her off and steal water, getting in her way and laughing about how ridiculous this all is. Ultimately, Jerri and her sister just barely edge out Russell and his wife and win reward. Probst tells Jerri she can bring someone with her and she chooses Parvati, and when Probst lets her pick one more person, she chooses Sandra. Russell immediately loses his shit (of course), and mutters to himself all about how Jerri’s in trouble and has really screwed up. Man, Parvati sure got picked for that trip pretty quickly, didn’t she? Yep, no one else to lean her head on AT ALL. The losers say goodbye to their loved ones, and we have to watch Rupert make out with is wife AGAIN. And judging by some of the reaction shots, I’m pretty sure the other contestants are on the same page on this issue.

Word, Jerri.

“The Blowholes” turn out to be pretty cool: it’s an oceanfront location where the force of the waves cause the water to come shooting up through these tiny holes, like a geyser. The Survivors take lots of pictures using the product placed phone they’ve been given, so that happened.

This is what Probst’s pants look like whenever Colby shows up.

Meanwhile, Russell stomps around camp, pissed because no one’s paying any attention to him. “I’ve been taking care of Jerri the whole time,” Russell says fairly correctly, actually. But then Russell veers into crazy territory, telling us that he’s been protecting Sandra and Parvati the whole time (what?), calling them “unappreciative little bitches”. Yep, voting out Danielle was totally in their best interests. That Russell, always watching out for the team. Such a champ!

Russell then decides that the women won’t help him (even though they’ve been helping him throughout the game and, had he remained loyal, would still be working with him), so he makes a new final three deal with Rupert and Colby. “Parvati is a huge threat,” Russell says, “She’s the only one that can give me any competition at the end.” Ohmigod, he thinks that he will beat any of the remaining people, you guys. Hee! He is SO crying again on Sunday. I cannot WAIT!

Late that evening after the girls have come back from the reward, the group tries to get some sleep but Rupert has chosen to spend this moment stomping around camp and breaking things and making noise and generally being Rupert. Jerri is hilarious in her confessional: “Rupert is loud, obnoxious, selfish and totally inconsiderate. I don’t know if it’s just incredible cockiness or just complete stupidity. I’m leaning more toward stupidity.” Man, when did Jerri get awesome?

Rupert must be mighty frustrated after all that heavy petting.

“I want him gone more than anything in the entire universe,” Jerri continues. Me too, Jerri. Me too. Well, I want him gone more than anything except for a show of tears from Russell. Which I’m getting! On Sunday! Have I mentioned how excited I am about that?

Immunity Challenge. The contestants will use the backs of their hands to brace two poles against a plank; the last person standing wins Immunity. We’ve definitely seen this challenge before, but I can’t remember when; I feel like it was the final challenge in some long ago season. Wikipedia says it’s from the Gabon season, which I prefer not to remember, so that must be why. Lots of endurance challenges this year, too. I definitely don’t mind that.

About ten seconds in, Colby stumbles and gets eliminated. Man, he is pathetic this season. Pretty soon it’s down to Rupert and Parvati again. The camera work is really excellent here, making the challenge look much tenser than it really is. Eventually Rupert stumbles and his poles fall, giving Parvati yet another immunity win. She is so badass you guys. As Probst places the Immunity Necklace around Parvati’s neck, Russell pouts, knowing that his hand is forced.

Ugh, my nails are ruined.

Back at camp, the general consensus is that it’s Rupert’s turn to go home. Sandra tells Rupert that she wants Russell out, but that the other girls want to keep him around to beat him. Rupert’s dumb enough to turn around to tell Russell this information, which seems pretty dumb. Wrong play, Rupert.

With this information, Russell poops his pants a little and approaches Sandra and Parvati, who are laying in the shelter together. “Are you with me or against me, Sandra?” he says, trying to intimidate her. “I’m against you, Russell,” Sandra says immediately. Parvati can’t control herself and immediately begins laughing uproariously. Admittedly, all of this is pretty hilarious, and I’m especially happy that someone’s finally telling Russell to go cram it.

Okay, so I’m not allowed within 500 feet of any schools or day care centers. So what?

Russell continues to hover and be creepy even though Sandra has pretty much dismissed him, and Parvati continues to giggle at how awesome this all is. Sandra keeps poking at Russell and fucking with him, knowing that Parvati won immunity and that she has the immunity idol. This gives them a little room to screw with him, and I’m glad she’s taking the opportunity to make him squirm.

“Rupert! Loose lips sink ships,” she yells from across the camp. “Yes they do,” he responds, and she’s all “And YES THEY DID,” knowing that this means Rupert’s own ouster. Parvati gets in on the action here. “Russell, when did Boston Rob come back? I mean, ‘Either you’re with me or you’re against me?’ Come on.” Russell just sits over with Rupert and takes the abuse, because he is unable to come up with any good comebacks unless he has like an hour, in which case he’ll just provide them in confessional and pretend that he knows what he’s doing.

Tribal Council. Sandra recaps her fight with Russell, which I just recapped, so now I’m recapping a recap of a recap. My head’s going to explode! Sanrda tells Probst that Rupert told Russell that she wanted him gone because he thinks he’ll be able to stick around again if they fight. Russell points out that Sandra’s written his name down several times, leading Parvati to do an amazing Sandra impression. “You said ‘I’m against you, Russell’,” Parvati says with a Rosie Perez face, stroking an imaginary moustache.

Oooh, girl!

Rupert makes another lame play to appeal to the egos of others, because that’s all he knows, telling them that the best Villain would turn on their allies. He is seriously so stuck on this notion of Heroes and Villains. I’m just so tired of him, you know? What a tool.

Time to vote. Sandra votes for Rupert. “I’ll write your name again, and if I’m up there in the final three you’ll still give me the million dollar vote,” Sandra says, knowing that Rupert will vote for her before anyone else. When Probst goes to get the votes and offers the idol holder the opportunity to play, Sandra cuts him off before he can finish. “I would have to go home with the idol in my bra,” Sandra says, pulling the thing right out of her shirt and handing it directly to Probst. When the votes are read, there are two for Sandra that don’t count (from Colby and Rupert), and the rest are for Rupert and he’s finally, mercifully gone, hopefully never to return. Later, putz!

I’m getting turned on, not going to lie.

On Sunday: THE FINALE! Parvati or Sandra FTW! See you guys there!