Survivor: Coconutball is Haaaaard

Before we talk about the first episode of season TWENTY-fucking-THREE of Survivor, I have something to say to Schoonie…….WHY?!?!?!?!?!? For real.  Why?  I was in a state of denial last season when he didn’t recap the show, but I thought for sure it was just a little vacation; he would be back.  Then I find out that’s he’s leaving TVGasm.  Like LEAVING, leaving.  sniffle.

I’d put a picture of him here and deface it and stuff to get out all my angst and anger, but no one will give me one.  Hrmph.  Seriously Schoonie, I said it last season when I covered one of these episodes; your recaps were what originally brought me to the site and I know I’m not alone when I say you will be missed.  I hope you’ll come back and visit from time to time, or at least give me an access card to get into your brain whenever I need to find out historic Survivor data.

Previously on Survivor…..Rob won, people were pissed, I laughed and laughed and laughed, and other people cried and cried and cried.

Just because they didn’t show him crying after Rob won doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

I could watch that all day long.

Because Redemption Island was such a stupid twist success, we get to do it again this year which means two former castaways will be returning.  Yay.  Personally I think they should have had two of the ladies return since we got two guys last time but because Probst is nothing without his man-crushes, we get Coach and Ozzy.

We start out with super dramatic shots of a helicopter intercut with hands clasped (perhaps in prayer?) and long hair flapping in the wind……Jeff tells us that Ozzy and Coach are returning for redemption.  Then Ozzy and Coach tell us they are returning for redemption.

I will play with honor and integrity while spinning stories that tell about the awesomeness that is me

I will climb trees and fish and swim, but do it in a super mature way because I’ve totally grown up.  Ooooooooo……..Boobies.

Don’t worry; we’ve still got fresh meat on the show.  Among them is Woody Allen’s even nerdier cousin.

I wrote an award winning essay on Survivor so it logically follows that I know more about Survivor than anyone else in the history of everdom.

He’s also a law student at Harvard.  I’m starting a pool to see how long it is before this guy gets eaten by a turtle or some other completely innocuous life form.

Next we meet a Native American woman who tells us that she has no experience with outdoorsy stuff at all and is hoping that just by being Native American some of that shit will be in her genes.

How?

We also meet a cattle rancher with a huge mustache who thinks if you didn’t train or build a fire before coming here that you may as well just spit in the wind.  Hopefully you’ve learned to spit downwind because a face full of spit is no fun.

The next lady scares me a little; she’s a funeral director and a mortician as well as being the mom of four kids.

I deal with dead people and children.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

She says she’s gonna have her eyes and ears open; you’re gonna think she’s asleep but she won’t be.  She’ll be nosy as hell.  Hee!

Oh shit.  Russell may not be here, but we can’t get rid of the Hantzes THAT easily.  His nephew is here this time around and says being related to Russell is like being related to Hitler.  Ouch!  Someone’s name just got scratched off the Christmas list!  He came out here to change the course of the Hantz family name.

No time to meet anyone else right now!  Shhhhh…..Jeff is trying to tell us how serious this all is again.

Do you think this shirt brings out the green in my eyes?

In the end only one will remain to claim the million dollar prize.  Thirty nine days, eighteen people, ONE Survivor!

Hey-a oh e oh e oho ah a…….you know the drill.

It looks like they’ve already been divided into their tribes and they all head over to stand on one of two colored mats.  Jeff welcomes them, everyone claps.  Then Jeff breaks the news that two more people are coming to join them.  As everyone waits for the copter to land, one of the ladies on his team whispers to Little Hantz that she hopes it’s not Russell. LOL!!!

This reconfirms for Little Hantz that he should never, ever, ever tell them who he is.  And he’ll be totally okay as long as he keeps his shirt on all the time.  You see, he has TWO tattoos that brand him as a Hantz.  Who the hell gets their own name tattooed on their body TWICE?

I don’t know my letters so good.  er.

In come Coach and Ozzy.  Jeff looks for a reaction and he gets one with Christine.  She says it’s good to see them, but they’re temporary players.  Oooooooo!  Big talk!  Who wants to bet Christine gets booted before either of them?

Jeff then goes over to Woody Allen’s cousin who tells him his name is John and then immediately says he knows that the players that Jeff really likes are the ones he calls by their last names only (don’t cry Coach and Ozzy).  You know, guys like Donaldson, Penner, Mariano……..and now……Cochran.

Huh?

I said call me Cochran!

I’m filing an injunction against you using that name!

Is this guy serious?  Does he not realize he has no hope of ever being a part of Probst’s Bro Co?  Maybe he needs to get his eyes checked.  Again.  Since I don’t want Johnny up my ass all season about this kid’s name……I hereby dub him CockRing.  (Thanks to Derek Hazelton for the fab suggestion!)

Jeff humors him and then wonders what CockRing thinks about Coach and Ozzy.  They’re great players, blah,blah,blah, great assets to their tribes, will you kiss me Jeff, third time each playing.  Jeff marvels at how CockRing knew immediately that it was the third time for each of them and he fesses up to being a huge fan of the show.  How adorable.

Time to find out who is going where.  Jeff holds up a bowl containing two eggs; one has blue paint inside, the other has red paint.

Yeah, so Ozzy’s on the red team (Savaii) while Coach joins the blue team (Loopholo).  Sounds like Coach might need that Loopholo if he wants to stick around; none of his tribe looks happy about spending quality time with the dragon slayer.  In fact, Rancher Rick feels the need to tell us that there ain’t no dragons.  Thanks Rick!  The chilly reception is not lost on Coach who tells us he is worried and holding onto both of his butt cheeks.  I’m not sure what that has to do with his tribe wanting him gone, but hey, whatever makes him feel loved.

Ozzy’s reception is much warmer and includes a group hug and him wiping red paint on everyone (including Jeff).  Jeff explains the rules of redemption island.  Do we really need to go over all that?  You guys know them, right?  Oh FINE.  When you get voted out of your tribe you don’t go home (like you should).  Instead, you go to redemption island where you live alone until someone else is booted.  Then you will battle each other for a chance to rejoin the game.

And then promptly get booted again.

Time for the first challenge.  Jeff calls it a hero challenge (because Ozzy and Coach are heroes?!?) and Ozzy and Coach will be squaring off against each other to prove their worth to their tribes.  First they will climb a pole (commence the shouting of FIXED) and grab a wooden turtle.  Then they will crawl under a log and then do a pyramid puzzle moving it to a specific table but only moving one piece at a time and always having the smaller pieces on top.

They will be playing for taro and flint.  Ready?  Go!

Of course Ozzy smoke Coach when it comes to climbing the pole.  He’s still ahead after crawling under the log and starting the puzzle.  It’s a little tense for a minute as Jeff yells “ONE AT A TIME” when Ozzy tries to move a stack of puzzle pieces, but in the end Ozzy finishes first further cementing Loopholo’s Coach hate.

Waun waah

Jeff says he feels like he needs to congratulate the entire tribe, and Ozzy admits that he couldn’t have done it without them.  If had to do it on his own, they would have been there all day.  Yeah, Ozzy may be good at a lot of things, but he’s not known for his puzzle prowess.

Ozzy collects the winnings for his tribe and they head out mimicking Jeff telling Loopholo that he has nothing for them.  Sure enough, he doesn’t.  Coach stays behind to pick up all his crap and only one lady stays behind with him while everyone else stomps off.

What is your name O Honorable Asian Woman?

Her name is Edna and Coach tells her he likes her smile.  LOL.  He is shitting a brick that he will be the first one to go.

Over at Savaii, they are celebrating their awesomeness.  Doesn’t it seem a little early for that?  I mean it’s one challenge people!  Don’t act like you’re the greatest tribe ever YET.  You might jinx yourselves or something.  Of course they’re all looking at Ozzy to provide some guidance in the game, and he’s totally decided to play a strategic game this time around.

Time for the sharing circle!  CockRing, what do you do?

Well, I dream about encircling Probst’s penis, gently hugging it to make sure it stands at attention at all times…..

Dude, that’s so wrong.

Okay, I’m a Harvard law student

Me too!

Random blonde girl is a songwriter from Nashville, while Semhar tells her tribe that her talent, her soul, her life is poetry.  When asked for a demonstration of her poetry, here is what we get….

Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry and so do I

Just kidding!  It’s totally worse.  Ready? “Cause see I would walk miles and miles to protect his angel spirit of the child, on floors of checkered black and white tiles only stepping on the white ones like when Billie Jean claimed it was Mike’s son” and something about a dog and a laugh.  What. The Fuck??!!??

She’s super proud of her moment and everyone claps politely while Ozzy oogles her boobs.  He also respects her passion.  But mostly he’s hoping he gets to touch her boobs.  Semhar tells us that she thinks it’s important that when people challenge you that you step up to that, so they know that they can trust you.  Ummmmm….okay.

Ozzy now proclaims them the best tribe EVER.  He thinks they don’t have to worry and shouldn’t break their necks too hard (or at ALL) and just enjoy this.  He’s got a strategy, Gasmi……..

Last one in the water’s rotten egg!

Ah, the strategy of swimming instead of building a shelter.  It’s bold and innovative.

CockRing doesn’t want to strip down because he thinks it will make him look more like a pathetic twerp than he already does with his clothes on.  See?  Harvard people are super smart.  He continues to point out the obvious, telling us he looks different than everyone else on his tribe; there are a bevy of beautiful bikini babes.  He thinks if this is the 90210 tribe, he’s definitely one of the 0’s.  Hahahaha!  I might like CockRing after all.

Over at Loopholo, Coach immediately says they should probably think about building a shelter and then reassures his tribe that he’s not a threat, he’s not much of a strategic player.  He also apologizes for losing the challenge.  Christine (lady who called Coach and Ozzy temps) wants to talk about everyone’s occupations, hoping that shelter builder is on someone’s resume.

We’ve got Rancher Rick, a baseball coach, and a recent college grad that majored in Russian and economics.  Coach immediately speaks Russian to her.  Sophie (that’s her name) disses Coach’s Russian speaking abilities but I’m impressed since the ten words he knows are ten more than I do.  I wonder if Russians once tried to eat his cornhole and he had to learn the language to talk them out of it.

Da.

They get to work picking out a good spot for the shelter and then building it.  You know, I bet later tonight they’re all going to be wishing they had a better strategy.  Like goofing off in their underwear.  THAT’LL guarantee a good night’s sleep.

Everyone seems to be getting along and working well together; I think Coach may actually be winning them over with helpfulness.  Christine is not chipping in and helping.  She’s off to try and find firewood the hidden immunity idol since she knows there one out there somewhere.  As you’ve probably guessed, Christine is fooling no one with her firewood ruse and now has basically painted a target on her back.  What a dope.

Back at Savaii the gang is still chilling in the ocean.  Jim is enjoying the view, grinning from ear to ear at the bikinied boobs before him.  When asked what he does for a living he tells them he’s a teacher because he doesn’t want everyone to know that he’s a poker champion and medical marijuana dispensary owner.  He may have wanted to plan more in advance though because when asked what kind of teacher he is he tells them he’s a science teacher.  Actually, it’s forensic science.

Actually Grissom from CSI was totally based on me except I teach the stuff and he does the stuff.  You know, the science stuff?

Semhar wants to know who’s married and Mark says he has a boyfriend.  He’s been gay all, most of his life.  Isn’t that the way it usually works?

Beats me

He’s a retired NYPD detective and tells his tribe that he came out while on the job hoping that it would help other guys that came after him.  I gotta give him props for that one because the NYPD is not a place that I think I would come out at if I were in his shoes.  You can swing your dick there, but don’t tell ‘em you want to do anything else with it.

He says he thinks he looks like a bear, what do they think?  I’m guessing none of them realize what he’s asking because they all just kinda look at him stupidly wondering if it’s a trick question.  He tells them that they can call him Papa Bear.

Why?  Is your porridge too hot?

All this talk of bears and porridge has made Ozzy hungry and he thinks they should maybe get a fire going.  Yikes!  When they start to get out of the water I noticed Ozzy’s underpants are blurred at the waist!  What the fuck is being blurred out at waist level???

English professor Dawn doesn’t want to ponder that, she’s just relieved that they are finally going to start working on something productive.  She’s obviously a little bit of a control freak and confirms that for all of us when she says she has six kids and is used to always being in charge.  She tells her tribemates she’s always worried for the tribe that doesn’t have a shelter built by the end of the first day.  Ahhhhhh……mom passive aggression……ya gotta love it!

Ozzy’s not concerned.  In fact, if it doesn’t rain tonight he’d be happy to sleep on the beach.  Shit, if they don’t get that shelter built they’ll all be sleeping on the beach, rain or no rain!

Let’s check back in with Loopholo.  Coach, Lil Hantz, and lingerie football player Mikayla work on getting bamboo and palm fronds for the shelter.  Coach asks Lil Hantz about his tattoo.

Huh?  Whu?  I have my shirt on!  How’d you see it?!?

Oh wait, coach is talking about the “loco” tattoo on his neck.  Lil Hantz tells them he’s real ashamed of that tattoo.  Sounds like he should be more ashamed of the name ones he has since he tells us when he was younger he used to try and act like his Uncle Russell and bully people, but he’s grown up a lot.  God’s number one for him now.  Wait.  Lemme guess…..you have “God” tattooed on your peen.

Yup.  And I praise him daily.

While Mikayla’s buying gathering palm fronds, Coach comments to Lil Hantz that she’s a pretty girl.  Lil Hantz calls her  Delilah and says he don’t play that.  Oh, just don’t let her cut your hair and you’ll be fine.  Back at camp she climbs up into the tree to help build the shelter.  Lil Hantz is uncomfortable around her with the way she carries herself, the way she flaunts herself.  He doesn’t want to be close to a situation that could lead him into temptation.

Then stop hiding in the bushes and staring at her, ya little creeper!

That night five of the tribe sit around together and star gaze and shoot the shit.  Coach says he would love it if they could win every immunity challenge.  Not likely, but hey, it’s important to have a dream.  He points out that the reward challenges are nice, but immunity is really where it’s at.  See the wisdom you gain by playing multiple seasons?

While they’re all warm and fuzzy (and people are liking him) Coach proposes that they should form a five person alliance.  He tells them that if you have a strong five you can go far, even if you’re down numbers at the merge.  The other four agree to the alliance (Hantz, Rancher Rick, Sophie and Albert) and Coach breathes a sigh of relief that he won’t be voted out first after all.

Did I get any gray hairs on that one?  No  Phew!

The next morning over at Savaii, Dawn (mom of six) spills a pot of boiling water on the fire and then thinks she might be having a mini breakdown.  Papa Bear tells her to suck it up; they’re the oldest and if the young uns sense weakness, they will eat the old fogeys for breakfast.  She promptly pulls on a vine breaking it and then falling on her ass. Is it wrong that I laughed really, really hard at that?

She sucks it up like a champ and starts crying.  Of course this does not go unnoticed by everyone else and she’s worried saying that the person that has the breakdown goes.  Ozzy is sweet and gives her a pep talk (albeit a stoner version of pep) and tells her if she doesn’t quit and keeps going, she’ll be in this game.  Then he tells us if she can’t get it together she could be going home.

It’s day three and Savaii tribe members are getting spoken word instructions on toothbrush making from Semhar.

They bristle like thistles to make the sweetest kiss…….les.

She also tells them if they want toothpaste they can take a little ash and put water in it so it makes a paste.  Viola!  Toothpaste that makes your mouth taste like old ashes.  Couldn’t they just ask Jeff for some cigarettes?

It has also suddenly dawned on Ozzy that his tribe needs to bust a move and get their shelter built.  He knows he’ll be okay, but not everyone is as awesome as he is.  Dawn, Ozzy and Semhar start working on the shelter and CockRing and Elyse (dance team manager) start opening coconuts.  Ozzy is unimpressed by CockRing’s manliness, but he keeps Elyse laughing while they’re working, and god knows some fugly ass funny guys have ended up in many a bed by the end of a night.

Now all he needs is about 1,000 Long Island Ice Teas and she will be all his!

We bounce back again to Loopholo where Lil Hantz is trying to catch fish for his tribe.  He tells us that his Uncle was definitely lacking in his social game (YA THINK??) and he plans on doing a better of job of that.  And then he catches a fish.  It’s not a huge one, but his tribemates are still impressed.

It’s not the size of the fish……..

Uh…..yes.  It is.

Lil Hantz swears he will never let them know he is Russell’s nephew; he’ll just come up with some reason why he never takes his shirt off.  He doesn’t want to be judged by his uncle’s reputation.  Sophie thinks Lil Hantz is hiding something but doesn’t realize it’s his Hantz-ness.

Are you ready for the immunity challenge?

It’s a multi-parter involving zigging, zagging and a web of coconuts.  Then they all have to get over a ten foot wall, one person has to dig up a machete and chop with it releasing coconuts which will be used by three people as basketballs that they try to shoot into a net until it raises their tribe’s flag, earning that tribe immunity.  Confused yet?

Oh, and they also win a clue to the hidden immunity idol which is hidden at their camp.  HATE the HII.  UGH.

The tribes huddle up to discuss strategy and Coach points out that they should probably have a couple of people at the top of the wall to help out the others.  Ozzy’s good with shooting.  So is Semhar.  Well, if someone’s really, really good they should go ahead, but she’s good with it.

Survivors ready? GO!

Loopholo gets to the wall segment first, but Savaii’s not too far behind.  Guess what?  CockRing is not good at climbing ten foot walls.  I am SHOCKED.  Coach’s wall plan seems to be working and their team is the first over the wall and moving on to the machete section.  Rancher Rick chops like a beast and keeps Loopholo’s lead going into the coconut toss.

Less than a couple of minutes go by and both teams are tossing coconuts.  Jeff reminds them that they need to get enough in to raise their team flag.  Semhar seems to be doing well, making her first couple of baskets, but then…..

This is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

Wah, wah.  You volunteered, remember?  Ozzy asks Jeff if they can switch out.  Noooooooo, no switching.  It should be noted that Mikayla is kicking some serious coconut over for Loopholo so it’s not that girl can’t do this challenge.  Maybe Semhar should have written a poem about coconuts instead.

Loopholo wins the challenge and because Jeff is a giant dickwad he just HAS to show Savaii that they lost by only one coconut.  Jeff wonders how that makes Semhar feel.  Well, she didn’t realize that the coconuts would be so heavy and she feels sort of bad for letting down her team.  Jim is like fuck that noise.  He feels sorta bad when he’s outta milk; he feels like crap now that they have to vote someone out.

I won’t be feeling sorta bad when I write her name down on that piece of paper.

I forgot to mention the whole HII thing.  So once Loopholo won the challenge, Jeff told them that there is a CLUE to the HII hidden at their camp that they must find in order to find the HII.  So they all start looking when they get back.  Stacey looks under rocks and in trees to no avail.  She tells us she probably could have already stumbled on it and didn’t even know it.

Bingo!

At first I thought what she was holding WAS the clue, but it was a stick she was poking around with.  Still……maybe Stacy needs to get her eyes checked.  Could it have been that hard to find a piece of paper hidden in a tree?

The losers arrive back at their camp and Semhar has something she’d like to say.  She felt awful that they lost the challenge and that she was a part of that loss, but Jim should shut his fucking pie hole.  Why kick someone when they’re already down?

Because you can?

Dawn and Papa Bear talk a walk together and swear they won’t write each other’s names down.  Dawn is still worried because she had that breakdown.  She’s hoping that Semhar’s failure will send her on her way.

Ozzy doesn’t want to send Semhar home; he likes her boobs too much to send them home right now.  He urges the others to really think about it.  He throws CockRing’s name into the mix and says maybe he should be the one to go home since he’s not really athletic.  Jim’s not buying the argument and says Ozzy wants her around for a reason; it’s round one and it already scares him that Ozzy has a reason to keep her around.

Her boobs are not that great

Ozzy warns Semhar and Jim warns CockRing.  CockRing is shocked and heartbroken.  He’s not ready to go home and certainly doesn’t want to be the first to go.  Especially when he is on a tribe with Papa Bear and Semhar and all those stinky GIRLS.  He tells us that what started as a dream has become a nightmare.  Whatever dude, you lost me at girls should go first.  Go be nebbish somewhere else.

Uncle Woody would know what to do.

Tribal Council.

They grab their torches; fire is life, blah, blah, blah.  Jeff asks Dawn if there’s been much talk about redemption island.  Oh yeah.  They think it’s gonna be tough over there.  He asks how tough it’s been for her.

I cried!

Yes, we know!  She tells Jeff she doesn’t cry often in her life but I think anyone with six fucking kids probably spends some time crying.  DAILY.

Crying?  No.  Having thoughts of homicidal mania?  HELL YES.

Yikes.  They had all better sleep with one eye open!  Too bad Stacy’s not on their tribe!

Jeff goes to Elyse next wondering who else might be worried.  She thinks Semhar probably is because of how crappy she was in the challenge and then the talk after didn’t help.  What talk?  Jeff asks Jim to elaborate.

Semhar sucks.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

Jeff confirms with Whitney that she’s glad it’s not her that they’re all focusing on and Ozzy sticks up for Semhar and thinks it was brave of her to try.  Semhar knows she failed but she also knows she has heart and will give it all she’s got.

Except for in the middle of a challenge.

Jeff wonders who else might be worried and asks Dawn to name names.  She names CockRing.  He thinks it’s easy to say he’s the weakest one, but he flew like a hummingbird in the beginning of the challenge.  So he had a snafu at the wall, but it wasn’t that noticeable, was it?  Oh yes, says Dawn.

Mama Bear say wha?

Papa Bear jumps in (after telling Jeff to call him Papa Bear) and says that CockRing hesitated for a moment, got confused and he and Ozzy had to throw him over the wall.  Was it catastrophic?  No.  Papa Bear just wants him to make a decision and go with it.  Don’t stop.

Semhar thinks it’s a slight relief that CockRing is seen as a weaker link than her.  She thinks it’s gonna be a matter of votes (smart AND athletic, this one!) and CockRing says Jeff had better not say its time to vote now!  Can he talk?  Sure, it’s your funeral tribal, says Jeff.

CockRing then pleads his case, forgetting Semhar’s name and then talking about what little work she does at camp.  Well, no one has to tell her to do it.  Ooooooooo, well CockRing learns how to do stuff and likes learning.  He can improve, he WILL improve.  He’s going to be everyone’s genie in a bottle after this and do whatever they want him to do.  It’s heartbreaking to him to thin that he could be the first person voted out tonight.

Semhar thinks he’s so mesmerized by the game that he forgets how important it is to be the person that just does stuff.  He doesn’t think they should just base the vote on what’s happened so far in the game, but Dude who’s name I can’t fucking remember right now tells him they have to base it on that, what else is there at this point?

Time to vote.  Semhar votes for CockRing.  CockRing votes for Semhar.  Time to tally the votes.  Jeff reads off the votes:  First vote, CockRing.  Then Semhar, Semhar, Semhar, Semhar.  First person voted out of Survivor: South Pacific…..Semhar.

As she leaves Ozzy says he should have taught her how to make a fire.  LOL, Ozzy.

Over at redemption island, Semhar reads the instructions while we see that everyone on the tribe voted her off.  She‘s upset that they lied to her and it just shows her how fake they are.  Bitter, party of one.

They’ll be sorry someday!  Maybe.

And that’s the first episode, Gasmi.  What did you think?  Are you happy about Ozzy or Coach coming back?  Was there someone else you would have rather seen?  (Mister Dangerous, no need to answer!)  What did you think about CockRing?  Semhar?  Papa Bear?  I’m looking forward to spending the season with you; can’t wait to hear what you thought!!

SWAK, PottyMouth