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After the Benry is voted out, Fabio knows thatt he target is on his back. “Fabio will be the next to go if he doesn’t win immunity,” Sash tells us. “They’re all underestimating me. I’m actually really smart,” Fabio says. Yeah, I totally buy that. It’s like Good Will Hunting up in this bitch.
The next morning the remaining Survivors are given a cell phone via treemail. The phone has videos from home on it, and you know what that means: time for everyone to cry repeatedly. We see Chase and Sash’s moms, Jane’s daughter (and her many, many dogs), Dan’s sons (who are dressed like Donald Trump Junior), and Holly’s entire family. Even Fabio cries when his MILFy mom shows up to say hello.
Before the reward, Chase promises Fabio that he’s going to take him along if he wins. Hm, I wonder how that’s gonna work out?
“I promised Sash, Jane, Dan, Holly and Fabio I’d take them when I win reward. I sure hope I can take them all! They do that on this show, right?”
Reward Challenge. Today’s winner will get to take a boat trip down the coast and enjoy a nice meal. And, of course, they’ll have company: their family members. Fabio’s mom comes out first, and he starts crying A LOT when he sees her. By the way, Probst is simply delighted to tell her that his new nickname is Fabio. “They used to call him Jud the Stud,” she replies, which is way too much information for any mom to disclose.
Sash’s mom comes out and there is a minimum of emotion. Dan’s son emerges from the jungle next, and Dan makes an odd, weird noise and then they hug a lot. Probst comments on how much Dan’s son is kissing him on the head. It’s very awkward for a moment; I don’t think Probst’s parents loved him very much.
Therapy for everyone!
Jane’s daughter and Holly’s husband are the last ones to come out. It turns out that Holly missed her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary to be on Survivor, so she’s really glad to see him. That’s funny, because I feel like this season has taken twenty-five years.
In today’s challenge, the Survivors will run up a plank and jump into The Pee Pool (which is getting a lot of screentime this season) to retreive two bags of puzzles. They’ll hand the pieces off to their loved ones, who will use them to solve a word scramble. Everyone’s family gets the bags around the same time (except Dan’s son, of course, because: Dan). The family members begin to unscramble the word puzzle, and Holly’s husband (I think) yells out part of the answer like an idiot, which allows Chase’s mom to get it done and win him another reward. And guess what? He brings Sash and Holly along with him, leaving Fabio behind! I know, you are shocked. By the way, I love that Chase’s flakiness is now a full-fledged storyline.
“What happens to the rest of ‘em?” Chase says. “They will be taken and executed,” Probst responds, proud of himself.
Fabio starts to cry and is visibly upset; Chase starts to apologize and Fabio interrupts him. “You know I would’ve taken you! That was a…” and his mom cuts him off before he can say anything mean. Aww, that’s a good mom.
“A couple of kisses on the forehead will make it all better.”
Back at camp, Fabio, Jane and Dan are really angry at Chase. They have a little pity party for themselves; Fabio only gets to see his mom twice a year, Jane’s daughter is going off to college in the fall, blah blah blah. You know what would have helped you see them? Winning, jerks. Fabio’s the only one with any real claim to bitterness, since he was promised a spot before the challenge. The rest of you can cram it.
At the reward, the three winners and their families board the boat, which is stocked with food. Sash thanks Chase for bringing him along, and the three of them toast to the Final Three. Chase also finds a clue to one more immunity idol (no doubt placed there as a last minute decision by producers to try and spice things up), but Chase is like, “I already have one,” and discards it immediately. The three of them tell their families all about their plan to go to the end together.
“Here’s to being as boring as possible!”
With that, the reward segment is over pretty quickly and the Survivors have to return to camp, where Chase is dreading having to face Fabio. “How was it?” Fabio asks, and Chase hesitates for a minute before answering. Fabio cuts him off, “It was a rhetorical question because I know the answer. I know it was awesome,” Fabio says. You just know he’s been keeping that one in his pocket for the past few hours, waiting for Chase to come back so he can totally burn him. Sad that he had almost a whole day to come up with something, and that was the best he could do.
“I have to move on from this because I can’t hold grudges in this game. I know I have to win immunity to stay in this game,” Fabio admits.
Speaking of which! Immunity Challenge time! Each person will be blindfolded and will have to follow a rope to the end of an obstacle course. Using only their sense of touch, they’ll have to memorize a bunch of symbols on a shield, then bring a bag of symbols back to the start, where they’ll have to use the symbols to recreate the shield from memory. There are some wrong symbols in the bag too to throw the contestants off.
Jane’s the first one to study her puzzle and head back to the start. Holly drops one of her bags at one point and can’t find it, slowing her down. This one comes down to Fabio and Chase, and Fabio’s got one piece off, but figures it out just in time and wins immunity for himself, by a hair. By a hair, get it? You see what I did there?
Back at camp, Dan mutters to himself about being exhausted, and Chase tells Fabio that Dan needs to go next. Fabio, however, wants to get rid of Jane, mostly because he is thinking about winning, whereas Chase is instead thinking about how to hug as many people as possible. ”You’ve gotta think!” Fabio yells at him, “It’s such a no brainer!” You know, sometimes Fabio can be randomly awesome.
Sash, Holly and Chase confer in the woods. Sash and Holly have decided that the time has come for Jane to be voted off; Chase is hesitant, of course. “This gives us the best chance to win,” Sash says, “She’s going to have to go eventually.”
At this point, Jane wanders up. “I just want to make sure we’re still four people,” she asks. The most awkward silence in the history of this show ensues. Somebody has togo tonight,” Holly says. I guess they can’t bear to lie to her. “So, it is me?” she asks. Chase then pulls the biggest asshole move EVER. ”Is that what y’all are dead set on?” he asks right in front of Jane, like he’s not in control of his own vote or something and he can’t help it if he’s outvoted. What a pansy, seriously.
“We all think you’ll beat us at the end,” Sash admits to her. This earns him a middle finger.
You stay classy, Jane.
Jane’s already crying in confessional. “They’re obviously flippers and liars and backstabbers. I’m most disappointed in my Carolina homeboy Chase.” She has a weird thing with Carolina. “I told Sash to don’t even fucking look at me and try to pat me on the back. I didn’t raise my daughter to be a liar and a cuthroat, his mother raised a damn liar.” Wow. There she goes talking about someone’s parenting skills again. I understand that Jane feels betrayed and all, but: it’s a game where people get voted off. Maybe she just raised someone who’s a little bit better at games than you, jackass. Maybe quit being so shitty and making everything so personal?
“I haven’t decided what to do, but the wrath of Jane will break out tonight,” she tells us. And then? She grabs a pot of water and pours it all over the fire, extinguishing it completely. “By God I started it, and I’ll put it out,” she says, and then she drops the bucket like a badass and peaces out.
One one hand: THAT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME. On the other hand, she’s pretty much revealed herself to be every bit the petty, bitter, awful person she’s been showing signs of being from the start. Why not try and make something happen to stay in the game, instead of going down in (literal) flames?
“Y’all take that. And you’re all HORRIBLE PARENTS.”
Tribal Council. Probst asks Dan whether the afternoon’s been crazy, and he’s so flabbergasted by the day’s events that he can’t even begin to tell Probst how weird it’s all been. He’s barely able to tell Jeff that Jane put the fire out before she admits to it: “I sure did, I started that faaaahre and aah wanted to be the last woman standing to put that faaahre out,” she says.
“There’s absolutely no loyalty in tonight’s vote, it’s full of liars and backstabbers,” she continues. “I’m going to call some people out. Holly, you call yourself a coach and a mentor, and yet you steal 1400 dollars worth of personal property and destroy it.” Again, that’s a true thing to say, but it’s also completely unecessary. Jane’s just being mean for the sake of being mean, which is awful. And also: what part of this horrible display is acceptable as an example for YOUR daughter, Mom of the Year? Just saying.
“Damn, she’s crazier than I am!”
Jane tells Probst all about her alliance with Holly, Sash and Chase, admitting that the plan was to get rid of Dan and Fabio, and now she’s upset because they’re going back on that play. Jeff asks Chase if this is the case, and he confirms it. Probst asks him who’s going to go next after Jane. “I would say it’s whoever doesn’t win immunity next,” Chase admits. “Would you guys agree with that?” Chase asks them, afraid to say anything or have any of his own thoughts or own any decision, because he is a total flake.
Sash and Holly shake their heads in agreement. “Wow, you guys are making a ballsy move here, admitting that you are in an alliance together,” Probst says. Um, you kind of pushed them into admitting it? But Probst is not done interfering: “I’m going to ask the question that my mom always asks,” he says, shifting into a high-pitched whine for this next part. ”There are three other people, why wouldn’t they try and go against the alliance?” You heard that right: Probst is actively trying to create a counter-alliance in the middle of Tribal Council, plainly trying to engineer an interesting outcome. I think he’s as bored with this season as the rest of us are.
Dan’s like, “Yes, that would make perfect sense.” Jane wants them to vote for Holly, since she doesn’t have an immunity idol.
With that seed planted, Probst decides that it’s time to vote. We see none of the votes. When Probst asks if anyone wants to play the idol, Sash and Chase both present one to Probst, since this is the last time that they can be used. When the votes are read, they are ALL for Jane, including Dan’s and Fabio’s.
Good riddance, yo.
Even Probst’s interference couldn’t make Fabio and Dan vote with Jane, thanks to her shitty actions and terrible attitude. Later, old lady! I wouldn’t feel too bad for Jane, though: she’ll probably have a hundred thousand dollars for herself on Sunday, because America is a terrible, terrible place.
See everyone on Sunday, when our long national nightmare will finally be over.