Survivor: Gettin’ Wet and Boring

After a replay of Russell’s EPIC breakdown last week, it’s Night 11 at Ometepe. The whole tribe is bitching about how cold and wet it is which shows how deeply axing Kristina affected them. Phillip says that he basically knows he is the only one not in Rob’s alliance. Hey, you probably should have figured this out like twelve episodes ago. Then Phillip playfully banters about snuggling with Rob before ultimately slapping his ass, thus beginning tonight’s theme: Things on Survivor I Will Make Fun Of But Would Probably Also Do If I Was Actually On The Show. Be honest with yourselves, who among us WOULDN’T give Boston Rob a friendly spanking? Either platonicly or Amber-ly?

Jeff Probst has written a LOT of fanfiction that starts this way.

Also, let me just say I’m really glad the editors skipped the dumb “arrival at Redemption Island” segment this week. I really didn’t need to watch two people talk about how good Rob is and awkwardly share a shelter again, so bravo.

The next day, it’s time for another Crazy Phillip segment! I guess with Kristina not here he’ll be putting in overtime. Also, I want to add as a personal aside that I am no longer able to walk to my mailbox without letting everyone know that the early bird gets the worm, and in this case he gets the mail. Rob says Phillip knee-ed him in the back during their cuddle session last night, likely because he was mad about Tribal. I think this is one of those things that probably didn’t happen but Rob is subtly using to reinforce how annoying Phillip is to the others, or else Phillip is using the most passive-aggressive form of covert operations ever.

Rob is also complaining about Phillip’s pink underwear again, which is SO two episodes ago. More footage of the girls being annoyed and grossed out by Phillip. Is this seriously the only thing going on at Ometepe? What if Phillip wasn’t on this tribe? What the hell would fill the Omepete segments?

Zapatera is doing some fishing and talking about how great life is for everyone that isn’t a twenty-something shrewish harpy. Steve talks about how they have also been working on bringing Stephanie and Krista in, because what the hell else is there to do when you don’t have Phillip to mock or Boston Rob to follow around? Steve says that they’ll probably hang with them going into a merge. NO. Where is my tribe that THROWS CHALLENGES to get rid of people that might flip? Don’t get comfortable with them!

Also, before I forget, I would really like to use this picture in everything for the rest of my life.

They play some game with tiles to figure out who will be watching the duel, and it’s Krista and Stephanie. Why oh why did Zapatera get so complacent with these two? THROTTLE the competition, damnit. Especially “Storms a’coming” Stephanie there.

As Julie talks about how they aren’t worried at all about the two girls (I titled an entry after you you IDIOT, keep playing smart), Krista and Stephanie plot to let Rob know that they’re ready to jump ship. I guess this is as good a plan as any when you’ve fucked yourself over this hard this fast.

Rob is there from Ometepe along with his sidekick Grant, who is reminding me more and more of a superhuman strongman that Bond-esque villain Boston Rob takes with him everywhere that he goes. (In this metaphor that I just came up with, Natalie is his villainous counterpart who betrays Bond to show her true colors in the climactic fight. Andrea is the good girl that Boston Rob kills early on to make a point. Phillip is his comic relief computer technician. Just as in everything else, we don’t need Ashley at all. But I digress.)

Jeff is probably ‘M.’

Matt and Kristina are doing a standard Survivor block puzzle that gets my vote for the RI challenge that the producers most wanted to see Rob v. Russell in. So there’s some block moving and some more block moving. I’m definitely rooting for Kristina because I would LOVE to see her crazy AND seeking revenge, and because we’d probably get that nice little horn arrangement I so loved.

So Matt decides this is an awesome time to ask Rob why he voted him out, and Rob cleverly tells him that it doesn’t only take one person to vote someone out. I know I’m trapped in the paradox where I keep bringing up Russell and then whine that he’s overexposed, but just imagine for a second how he would have handled that question and you’ll be reminded by Rob is a better player. Matt wins and hugs Kristina.

Then it’s time for the Q&A with Jeff Probst. Matt says he wanted to go to the end with Rob and Grant and kind of implies that he still does, which is either him trying to con Rob or, more likely, him being really bad at this game and needing Rob to survive. And speaking of being really bad at this game, Stephanie opens her enormous mouth and tells everyone that she hates her tribe and needs to flip.

Feel free to also flip TV shows, Stephanie.

Jeff asks Rob what he thinks (because we shouldn’t even pretend that either Grant or Krista are here), and he gives a perfect non-committal reply and condescending thumbs up. I really wish we could have seen what happened if he had made the merge in Heroes Vs. Villains.

Jeff tells Kristina she’s done and she tears up a little (read: a million times more honorable exit than Hantz) and continues the list of things I could mock but would probably also do if I were on Survivor. She asks if she can keep her buff, but Probst denies her. IT MUST BURN. Matt has to go live by himself for three more days.

This is probably going to wreck his sunny disposition and leave him a cold, empty shell just like the rest of us.

In a voiceover, Stephanie says that Rob is her last hope to stay in the game. When your last hope twelve days in is a dominant alliance on another tribe, you’ve played pretty poorly.

And now it’s time for a sequence in which Natalie and Ashley will reenact Great Moments in Survivor History in a bland and forgettable way. First up, whining about all the food that you miss that way saw way back when Mrs. Rob Mariano was just Jerri’s bland sidekick.

When is SHE gonna get back out here? Was motherhood just a way to retire a winner forever?

So Phillip talks about how he really needs to start building bonds, which again is something that would have been nice a week ago. AND THEN the editors finally give us the payoff on all the crab hunting: Phillip says that the girls are like crabs. They’re quick to move away when they see him coming and they’re tough to pin down. GENIUS. Survivor, I love you.

Ashley is a huge bitch about faking being nice to Phillip and Andrea, but at least she understands the social element. Ah, and now the Sexy Survivor Shower.

There’s this…

…and this…

…and one for the ladies.

Andrea says that Natalie and Ashley are way too girly and we get awesome clips of them talking about biting their nails and blemishes on their body as they lounge in the sun. Anyways, Phillip FINALLY goes to work on Andrea because she’s the nicest and most likely to flip, complimenting her as the “best female worker.” Andrea asks if Phillip has ever tried to throw her under the bus, and Phillip does the lean forward scary “NEVER” that only Phillip can do. So Andrea and Phillip are really cute together in a weird way and he’s hopeful that will pay off later. And then, as though he hasn’t blessed us enough already, Phillip sums up his relationship with Rob thusly: “The king is a dictator. And I’m a lord. And I’m waiting for an opportunity to replace the king.” Phillip, you deserve so much more than one million dollars.

Stephanie and Krista describe RI as “heaven” (?) and say they don’t want to go back. Stephanie says the should tell Zapatera everything except when they offered to flip. Gee, you think? Though she is talking to Krista, so I shouldn’t take anything for granted.

So Steve is spouting a lot of nonsense about teamwork and stuff, and pay close attention because this will be crazy important later. Krista is pissed because everyone is nice all the time? And Stephanie likes cooking because then she doesn’t have to talk to anyone? I don’t even know. Let’s just watch Phillip until the merge, k? Also, Julie is still weird about throwing-challenge karma. Except you won the last one, so now it would just be plain ol’ ineptness. The point is supposed to be that Zapatera is cocky, but they actually just seem genuinely harmonious to me.

Challenge time! It’s the blindfolded yelly one with a puzzle at the end. Playing for reward and and coffee and a huge-ass basket of donuts which Ralph says he plans to eat also. oh RALPH.

While strategizing, Stephanie says that she wants to be caller because she never shuts the fuck up and Sarita seconds this because she think Steph will be good both at yelling and at the puzzle and “bossy at all get-out.” Note David’s reaction.

“Damnit, Sarita, I only have ONE established character trait!”

Ometepe is like duh, let Rob do it.

So they’re off and of course there’s hilarious Stephanie / Zapatera tension, including Ralph not knowing his right from his left. Omepete has some plan where Rob will only yell to his new BFF Grant and everyone will follow him, but this really only buys them like a minute lead on the puzzle. And then Rob accidentally knocks one of his puzzle letters off the table! Oh, how many Survivors will be doomed by the ol’ “missing a piece” routine?

I know Rob is supposed to be like a puzzle expert, but what the fuck was he doing here?

Oh, but then he finds it and wins the challenge. Good try Stephanie, but it turns out that you are horrible at ALL games. Everyone on Zapatera whispers about how they should have put Dave in instead. And then there’s an awesome shot of a bird ripping some kind of animal apart on the beach. I bet they offer bonuses to the cameramen that capture the most apt natural analogies for treachery in each episode.

Ometepe has a big donut party, and I’m PISSED we edited out Phillip’s victory speech that I’m SURE he made. Also, he offers to trade his donuts for massages, which is the perfect signal for Natalie and Ashley to get all Mean Girls again. Also, gross.

Hey, let’s see reason #435 Boston Rob is epic at this game. Grant finds a clue to the idol in the coffee (same place it was hidden in HvV, btw) and he and Rob do this complex thing to sneak it out of camp. Rob keep comparing it to a football maneuver, which I might understand if I had been outside making real friends instead of watching Survivor for the last ten years of my life. Then he sends Grant back into camp with the coffee container (who also plays everything awesomely, btw) while Rob switches the clues so that Grant sees the more generic first clue. Again, AWESOME job, Rob. It’s just not a good episode of Survivor unless Boston Rob gets to go sprinting into the jungle to pull something or another. “You gotta hustle if you wanna make a dollar.” I’m 90% sure he stole this from Sandra, but either way, word.

Over at Team Zapatera, they’re pretty rationally deconstructing the loss and David says he and Sarita don’t get along and he does not appreciate how she assessed his talent. He also spouts off a lot about how no one else is ever doing puzzles but him. Steve is disappointed in the team. I think this is supposed to be the first cracks in the Zapatera Six, but it kind of just seems like a minor spat. Again, I’m kind of refreshed by six seemingly mature adult people working together.

Also, Julie has some crazy idea about pulling Steph and Kristsa in. You gotta vote for someone, hon. She and Sarita talk about how they’d like to vote David but they know they’re in an alliance.

Stephanie and Krista bitch because no one will work with them and “play the game.” They remind me of James in how self-righteaous they get when people won’t roll over and let them advance. Also, where’s the subtle manipulation? Play up the fact that someone might have an idol! Now I can’t like OR respect them.

Time for the season’s first boring Tribal Council! It had to happen eventually. Krista and Stephanie call their tribe “the Brady Bunch goes camping” (lol) and Sarita basically calls them morons for suggesting they break up a dominant alliance and risk going home. Mike SMACKS DOWN Krista and says that forming bonds is a strategic part of this game that they don’t understand. Man, they really are students of Russell.

Jeff is bored, so he decides he wants to play for Krista. Krista, cause controversy in suballiances. Krista names a bunch of pairs that she thinks are together and calls out David as solo, but still no one is phased despite the dramatic music. Mike reaffirms that they do strategize but Krista is never in the equation. Again, lol.

Jeff asks them who should go home then (STEPHANIE! What’s the matter with you people? Krista would probably follow her to RI out of sheer habit) and they talk about how it is a tough choice. K, boring, let’s vote.

They vote for Steve and everyone else votes for Krista, so she’s gone. WHAT? Why would you KEEP Stephanie? So Krista is off to lose to Matt and hopefully we’ll merge soon so we don’t have to keep watching these dominant alliance shoot fish in a barrel.

Would you have voted for Krista or Stephanie? How great is Rob? And most importantly, which is your shower scene of choice?