Back from the Brenda tribal, Opague Kelly is upset (and talking!) over the fact that she was left in the dark regarding the Brenda boot. Na Onka tells Opague Kelly that she voted for Brenda because of the way Brenda came after her during the last Tribal Council. Lies, I tell you! Opague Kelly starts to cry, whining about how she’s at the bottom of the totem pole and doesn’t understand what’s happening at cap. What I don’t understand why she’s suddenly allowed to speak, or why she was even cast in the first place. Back to your cage, tiny lady!
“Whoa. When did this chick get here?”
Holly and Jane are ecstatic that their plan to get rid of Brenda went so well. All of a sudden Chase seems really excited about it too, probably because he has no other options. The three of them want to get Sash out next, with the goal being to have a Final Four composed of Holly, Jane, Chase and Na Onka.
The next day it rains so much that the river of mud makes another appearance. That river of mud has gotten more screen time than Translucent Kelly.
At least the river sticks it out. GET IT?
Jane looks really dirty as she talks about how miserable it is to be stuck in the shelter with everyone for days at a time. Na Onka complains some more about how cold she is, telling us that she’s anemic, so her joints freeze. She begins to cry again. I feel no pity. Man, that girl is not good in the rain. I’m sure these people prefer the crying and pathetic Na Onka to the loud and bitchy Na Onka any day, though. Hell, I’d want it to keep raining for that reason alone. If she’s crying, she can’t steal anything, am I right?
See-Thru Kelly cries a bunch too, but since I have no idea who she is I can’t really give much of a shit.
Fabio tells us in confessional that these whiny bitches should just suck it up and deal. “You just have to find a mental happy place and realize that this is temporary.” Fabio’s Mental Happy Place is the name of my next rock band, by the way.
The rain finally lets up and everyone begins to get up and walk around. “My heart is not in this game like it should be,” Na Onka admits to Chase. She has a heart? I don’t believe it.
“Chase has been my boy, and I want to give him the idol,” she says. He has? I mean, I guess he was nice to her when she was cold, but wasn’t she just talking shit about him like, last week? Explaining Na Onka is a waste of time, so: whatever. “I’m not giving the idol back if she doesn’t quit,” Chase tells us as he palms the immunity idol. Yeah, we all know you’re too wishy-washy to actually stand up to Na Onka, Chase. You’ll fold like a card table.
“I mean, if you end up needing it back, I’ll totally give it to you. Please don’t hurt me. Mommy!”
Meanwhile, Holly is getting a contingency plan going for herself: she wants to replace Na Onka with Sash, and head to the final four with that grouping instead. Good for Holly, by the way. She seems to be the only one really trying this season. “I don’t truse Holly and Jane as much as Purple Kelly and Na Onka,” Sash says. He obviously wants to keep Clear Kelly around since it means that he essentially gets two votes, and Na Onka would be an awesome final three partner, so if they quit he’s probably the one hurt the most.
Reward Challenge. There are a couple of creepy dolls tied down to a table. Jeff calls them “Gullivers”, because this entire challenge is a commercial for that remake of Gulliver’s Travels starring Jack Black that I’m sure you were all clamoring for. The Survivors will be split into two teams, and they will have to untie the dummies and then drag them through an obstacle course. The team that gets their dummy to the finish first will “win” the “reward” and get to see the movie in advance while enjoying some movie consessions. My favorite response to this news was from television critic Daniel Feinberg, who tweeted the following: “Confusing spoiler: In a Survivor first, tonight’s reward challenge reward is actually a horrible punishment.”
Fabio/Sash/Jane/Invisi-Kelly are the yellow team and Holly/Na Onka/Chase/Benry are the blue team. Dan was not selected and chose to back the blue team. He will be waiting for everyone at the finish in a giant hilarious throne.
The contestants begin the task of untying their dummies from the table where they’re tied down, looking like they’re about to be murdered by Dexter.
All that’s missing is the plastic wrap.
The blue team manages to overtake the yellow team once the dummies are untied, and it’s neck in neck throughout most of the obstacle course. The final obstacle is essentially a giant birth canal through which your dummy must be pushed.
Man, nobody is going to crawl through that tunnel after this.
The blue team manages to get their dummy through first, winning the “reward”. Just as Probst begins to tell the winners what they’re going to “enjoy”, Na Onka interrupts him. She has an announcement: “I’ve given this game 110 percent, and my body is tearing down and I just can’t take it. Today will be my last day.” I love when people say that they’ve given 110 percent to something and then immediately quit that same thing, don’t you?
“Anybody else here wanna quit?” Probst responds, annoyed. When Casper The Friendly Kelly pipes up to tell him it’s her last day too, he seems shocked. Frankly, his response seems a little too neat; the dude had to know all this was coming. When Probst tells Na Onka that she doesn’t seem like a quitter, she’s all “I’m not! Well, this is the first time I’ve ever quit anything.” Probst tells them that he’s going to give them the afternoon to think about it, and then they’ll go to Tribal Council that evening to deliver their final decisions. Obviously, the producers were like “Shit, we won’t have enough people left!” and then they had to generate this plan to go to Tribal Council to give themselves enough episodes to fill their order.
With the plan to go to Tribal later now laid out, Probst continues with business as usual. He has a proposal: if one of the challenge winners is willing to give up their reward, they’ll be given a new tarp and a supply of rice to take back to their camp for everyone to enjoy. “This is a hero move,” Probst says. Personally, I would have done it just to get out of having to see a Jack Black movie.
“What? I thought School of Rock was funny!”
Benry prods Na Onka to take the hit, reminding her that she’s going to get to eat that evening at Ponderosa anyway, but she refuses. Holly finally decides to make the sacrifice, telling Jeff that she’ll eat as many hot dogs as she wants when she gets home. “When Na Onka didn’t step up, it told me right then and there that I misjudged her personality and misjudged who she was.” Really? It was THIS crazy thing that finally told you that you’d misjudged her, and not the metric shit ton of other crazy, selfish stuff she’s done over the last twenty-eight days?
Back at camp, the challenge losers (and Holly) get to work setting up their new tarp. Holly takes Empty Kelly out to gather wood and uses it as an opportunity to give her some motherly advice. “If you quit, you’ll always be remembered as the girl who quit Survivor,” she says. That’s not true: she probably won’t be remembered at all.
Holly continues: “My daughters wanted to quit cross country, and I said no, and then they ended up being State Champions that year.” Oh, Holly. Crystal Pepsi has no shot at winning and she knows it. But props to you for being legitimately concerned about someone else’s welfare. Having been filled with motherly advice, Kelly Clearpowski returns to camp to ponder her fate.
“You could win a track championship too! Now, who are you again?”
Meanwhile, the reward winners arrive at Product Placement Theatre to enjoy their terrible, terrible reward. They all talk about what a lame-o Na Onka is for quitting and then going on the reward. Na Onka tells us that she felt she deserved the reward, since she gave 100 percent to the challenge. “I ain’t no fool!” she repeats over and over again. Oh, Na Onka. Never change.
The rest is pretty much an extended commercial for the shitty movie, and trust me when I tell you that it looks AWFUL. And you know what that means: FFFFFFFFFFAST FORWARD!
After the movie is over, the reward winners meet the losers at Tribal Council. Probst even brings the jury, so they can watch and become enraged. Probst asks Na Onka why she wants to quit so badly, and the short answer is “It’s cold and I don’t like being wet.” I’m not going to bother asking why Na Onka would even sign up for this show, because, you know, she’s Na Onka and all, but: for real?
“I’m really proud that I made it twenty-eight days, and I’m the only black person still here!” she says. Smash cut to Sash looking slightly hurt by her statement. Two things: 1) you can’t really boast about being the last remaining person of your race when people of all shapes and sizes have won this show (including several people of your own shape and size who were able to actually stick it out) and 2) you all can’t really boast about representing your race well when you are about to quit.
“Whatever, nobody watched those seasons anyway.”
Ghostface Kellah gets to whine for a bit about being cold and wet too, but no one cares because no one knows who she is or how she got here. Let’s talk to Na Onka more, shall we? Jeff asks her if she actually thought she had a shot to win the game, and she tells him that she most certainly did. “I would have won because of my drive, attitude and charm.” Yep, that’s our Na Onka: totally charming. And her attitude is just swell!
When Jeff asks Na Onka why she didn’t take the bullet for the team earlier and sacrifice the reward, Na Onka shrugs. “I guess that’s just who I am,” she says. Yep, I’d say that about covers it.
Then there’s some bullshit where Probst goads Jane into talking about how these young whipper snappers just don’t understand what they have, and while I appreciate the sentiment in these trying times, there’s nothing I hate more than the assumption that old people are inheriently wiser and better just because they’re older. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes at a shitty dive bar can tell you that this is most definitely not the case. If this show has taught us anything, it’s that idiots manifest themselves in every form, including as the elderly and infirmed. Na Onka and Kelly aren’t dumb because they’re young: they’re dumb becauase they’re Na Onka and Kelly. So shut it, Probst, and quit making Jane say stuff that will make me dislike her even more.
And now, the big moment: Na Onka, would you like to quit?
“SQUAWK!” (Translation from bird language: yes)
(Synonym For Invisible) (Can’t Remember Her Name), would you like to quit?
“Yes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more TV shows to go ruin.”
Marty is way, way upset about this (as he should be), and Alina is crying because she wants to be in the game so badly.
“Na Onka, what do you think we should do with your torch?” Probst asks her. “I think it should be smuffed!” Na Onka responds, and they all laugh at her idiocy. After Kelly meeps in agreement, Probst tells them that he’ll snuff their torches, but that they’ll be kept at Tribal Council to constantly remind them of their decision, because guess what? They get to be on the jury anyway! In short, there is no punishment for quitting and you’ll get to be on every episode anyway.
I understand that they let Janu stay on the jury when she quit and thus also have to do it here, but still: lame. But hey, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised in this, the Season of Lameness.