Survivor One World Recap – Bum-puzzled

Hey Gasmii! I am covering this weeks episode of Survivor. I haven’t watched this season since episode one so I am behind but HOLY crap! This shit was full of the crazy.  If this is how this season is going down, buy me a ticket back onto the Survivor train.

For now sit back, join me and Box of Wine as we go over the cluster fuck that was this episode.

Back at camp, the Salanis are happy, laughing, enjoying some Survivor-style escargot. It’s a complete turn around from when I last watched. And that is what I love about Survivor. Just when you think you know what is going on, humans get involved.

Livin’ like Queens

Jonas and Troyzan go over to the girls and make an offer to use the girl’s fishing net. Jonas claims he is some sort of net expert so he wants to fish and split the spoils. Chelsea explains that she isn’t a bitch but fuck off.  Remember that time you guys wouldn’t help the women with fire? Or with shelter? Or with anything while laughing at them? Yeah, they do too. Karma is also a bitch boys. Troyzan is upset and claims that the reason the girls won’t share is because of their emotions. He says that their emotions have turned the girls wacky.  Gimme a break! How do you explain your tribe’s selfishness? Oh right. That was different because you are men.

I mean, it’s not like we didn’t help them. Oh wait…

The Survivors meet up with The Probst for the luxury challenge. The challenge is another Survivor Break Out Challenge. The tribe’s must use a slingshot and coconuts to break out panels on a large five by five grid. No partial breaks though, the majority of the square must be knocked out. The winning tribe gets to choose from an assortment of luxuries – a pillow/blanket assortment, a tarp, or coffee and donuts. Quite frankly I would cut a bitch for that coffee. In fact without that coffee I would probably be the only one left on my tribe. (I’m a little addicted)

Hi pretty.

Because the guys have one extra player, Bill sits out for the guys. Both tribes start out pretty shaky but the women are breaking more panels in a group as opposed to the guys who are just barely hitting the board. I find myself cheering the women on if only to piss off Troyzan. The women crush the guys and win! Yay! Unanimously, they choose the tarp. Smart but I would have grabbed  the coffee and dared The Probst to take it from me.

We are laughing because they suck

When questioned about the women winning, Tarzan gets all crazy and yells LUCK! Poor loser much? The Manono tribe is turning out to be quite misogynistic.  Can’t wait until the merge and they have to try to befriend these bitches. I have a feeling the men are killing themselves slowly and painfully.

 The Lyin’, The Bitch, and the War-drone

Back at camp the men are complaining about not having time to learn how to better play the game.  Are you fucking kidding me? The women had just as much time and they did just fine. It’s like the men are threatened by the fact that the women have bigger penii than them. And odds are, it’s probably a valid fear. Bill thinks his tribe has been eating Delusional-O’s…the women didn’t just get a tarp, they gained more confidence as they continue to rack up wins against the men. Bill now rightfully sees the women as competitors instead of some “chicks over there”.

They are, in fact, chicks over there

Bill and Leif are sitting on the beach talking when Leif informs Bill that at the last tribal council Colton wanted Bill voted out.  Bill is truly shocked.

Wait, what? But, Colton loves me.

Mike figures that the only way to save his ass is to put a buffer between himself and certain death. So he goes to Colton, who has somehow become the Godfather, and informs him that he saw Leif talking to Bill. Smart move. He throws Lief under the bus even further by mentioning that Lief is playing both sides of the tribe.

The Godfather proceeds to confessional and calls Leif a “munchkin” who “got kicked out of Oz.” Stop the motherfucking train. When I watched the first episode I actually liked Colton.  He seemed nice if a little bit entitled. But that shit? What a xenophobic little fuck. Shame on you, Colon (spell check error that I’m keeping). Colon then decides he needs to confront Leif about what he said to Bill. He tells Leif that “you better not lie to me” and that if he tells the truth he will try to see what he can do. Leif admits he told Bill that he was next. Colon does this irritating head roll thing and tells him he’s sealed his fate. A xenophobic liar. Nice.

This is my power look

The girls find a tree-mail, and it’s a puzzle. The clue suggests that the tribe will be working in pairs to solve puzzles. Kat mentions that she is really bad at puzzles and that she will need a smart partner. The women decide to keep the same pairs they worked in last time, meaning Kat would be working with Alicia. Who, by the way, is wearing the worst bikini top in the history of bikini tops. How much do her friends at home hate her that they told her it looks good? Kat inadvertently calls out Alicia’s lack of puzzle skills, which throws Alicia into an angry tail spin. Fuck me. Kat just said she was dumb and that she needed a smart partner, she didn’t say you needed to go into the Special Ed Tribe. But Sabrina jumps in and cools things down mentioning that they don’t need to go into a challenge with their minds all twisted. Well done Sabrina.

She told me flat boobs with side boob fat is the new black

At the immunity challenge, The Probst, informs the tribes that the pairs will be tethered together.  They will have to navigate a teeter totter to get to a puzzle, after solving the puzzle they will get a key. Once the three pairs have each completed a different puzzle and collected three keys, they must unlock three locks to raise their flag. Colon and Tarzan quickly finish the first puzzle, beating Alicia and Chelsea who are still on the first puzzle and no closer to finishing it than they were when they were on the mat. Mike and Jay make quick work of the second puzzle. The girls yell to Chelsea to copy the men’s puzzle which causes Tarzan’s to yell, “No, no! You cannot do that!” Right. Because you yelled no, Tarzan, the girls will immediately do what you say.  What the fuck is wrong with the men?

I said No! Assertively even.

Chelsea looks at the guy’s first puzzle, making Tarzan lose it even more and he starts to yell ”Cheaters!”. Oh. Shut. Up. That was the first smart thing those two have done in this challenge. Finally they finish the first puzzle and the second set of girls head out. Bill and Troyzan are already finishing up. They race back to their mat and Leif runs to the key station and starts working on the locks. Sabrina is so concerned with watching Leif that she doesn’t even work on the puzzle. And the men WIN! It was a complete fucking blowout.

Now we don’t have to go to Tribal Council! Wooooo!

The Probst calls out the girls, in particular Alicia and the fact that she is laughing. She just smiles more and laughs about how bad she did.

It’s funny because I’m dumb

Chelsea and Sabrina discuss who should go. The original agreement was that Christina was next on the chopping block, but Alicia’s last few hours of crap is turning the tides. Over at the men’s camp, Bill is thrilled to know he’s made it at least a bit longer. Then, Bill approaches Colon about “squashing some beef between the two of us.”  Colon, acts like a complete fucking twat (was going to say two year old but two year old’s are more mature) and tells Bill that he doesn’t like him and to get out of my face. What I hear though is, “I’m not listening, I’m not listening, lalalalalalalala! You’re going home next! Lalalalala! I hate you! Whaaaaaa”  Bill doesn’t help himself any though, by allowing the Colon to get under his skin and getting in his face.

I am going to fix shit with threats OK?

Colon immediately runs to the other men and, in a hissy fit, tells them that he wants to go to the girls and offer the immunity idol so that they can go to tribal council to vote out Bill. WHAT??? Are you high? Someone got your panties in a twist so you want to fuck over the whole tribe by going to tribal? Oh. My. Lanta. Tarzan goes to the girls and mentions the plan.  The girls are as confused as we are but they hope the implosion will in fact work out in their favor.

Them bitches be crazy

But according to Jonas, Colon is calling the shots. (I am going to have to go watch the last two episodes and find out how that happened because FUCK) Jay, who has barely spoken two words this whole episode, pipes up and logically mentions that Colon is being too hasty. However, The Zans, both Tar and Troy, like Colon’s idea (what in the what!?). The men gather in a circle and discuss this latest turn of events. However, the men tell Leif that he will be voted out – better sooner than later. Colon doesn’t like that, as his bidding is that they get rid of evil Bill. Colon is confident that he can get the tribe to do what he wants though and he then says, “If you can’t see that I’m running the show, you must be Helen Keller.” What a horrible little man. As a human being this guy fails.

They jealous of my awesome

As the tribe that will be at council walks into the forum The Probst’s face is one of pure shock. The men are entering the forum. The Probst cannot believe that they gave up immunity and deems it one of the show’s dumbest moves ever.  Amen Probst. Amen.

OMG

When asked why they are there, Leif fesses up to the supposed error of his ways, hoping that the men will mistake his humility with loyalty. Jay then tells The Probst that he thinks this was a cluster fuck of a move, but he had to agree or he’d be the next to go home.

I hope my family misses this episode

As The Probst questions the other men, Colon rolls his eyes, raises his eyebrows, and constantly does his neck roll thing. Fuck off now Colon. When questioned about who he dislikes, Colon smirks and says Bill. When The Probst asks him to elaborate on what he hates about Bill, Colon says, “He’s obnoxious, he’s loud, plus he’s a struggling stand up comic.” Then he looks at The Probst like duh, struggling comics are not real people.

AmIright?

When Bill tries to understand where Colon is coming from, all Colon can say is, “Like get a real job.” Bill is fighting back tears because Colon can’t accept him. He says that he doesn’t want it to be a black/white thing, he thinks that it is because of their completely different upbringings. He says that he has been on his own since he was 17 and working to be an up and coming comic means he doesn’t make a lot of money. But he loves it so that’s what he does. Fair enough. The Probst then asks Colon to tell us where he came from. Coyly, Colon says,”Alabama”. As if that should explain everything. Colon then mentions that he may have gone to an all-white private school, but he does have African American people in his life. How offensive can one person be? When The Probst asks, “Who?”, Colon laughs and says – his housekeeper. Of course, she’s paid to be there, but she’s part of the family. She doesn’t work for free.

Having a black housekeeper means I’m not racist. Yay me!

And then Bill goes off! “Are you out of your mind? Don’t judge me, I don’t judge you, don’t look down at me, don’t call me names, and for the love of God, I work with people not for them.” YAY BILL! The Probst then asks Colon if there are any people, where he lives, who look down on him because he is gay. Colon replies (and I quote word for word), “I’m sure there are, but the people I associate with, yes you can all say country club people whatever, they have more educated thoughts and ideas and they are more accepting to things. The one’s who have a problem with it are the one’s riding around in their, like, jacked up trucks and their Rebel flags hanging in the back and you know they go home to their trailers at night.”

Holy fuck. You are serious aren’t you?

Fucking bloody hell. This kid is a mess. By his own logic HE should be more accepting. But we all know that racists can never make a logical argument about why they hate.

At this point Tarzan decides that he needs to say something – why does it have to be about race? Colon isn’t a racist! In fact Colon has been painted in the wrong light. He’s just a rich white kid after all. We have a black president for crying out loud! It isn’t that Colon doesn’t like black people, he simply doesn’t like poor people. Big difference!

I hitched my wagon to that. Awww shit!

The rest of the tribe looks like a group of people who have just witnessed a horrible accident.  It’s such an awkward, awful tribal council to watch. I am literally dumbfounded.

As someone who was raised in the redneck part of Canada (yes we have that. It’s called Alberta), I am appalled by both Colon and Tarzan. I have grown up watching people try to justify this repulsive behavior and it blows my mind. The sad thing is, what Tarzan was saying is true – people shouldn’t be judged on their skin color, but rather their merits and contributions. However, when you are using those words to justify someone else’s awful behavior, you too are nothing but a racist trying to hide behind well chosen words. It makes me sick. But enough of this.

The men vote and shock of shocks Bill is voted out. Bill redeems my faith in humanity when, in his exit interview he says, “My tribe is doing some very unorthodox things. But since I was probably next on the chopping block anyway, I came to tribal council to roll the dice.  One day Colton will be put in a situation where he can’t just not like somebody because they are not people he’s used to or that he’s grown up with. He judged me because of my differences, and I accept him because of his.”  And with that my faith in humanity is restored.

RIP. Relaxin’ In Pride.

So, what did you think? Keep it clean and racist free. Judge people on their merits or not. Go to the comment section and SPEW whatever you have been holding back since this episode aired.

For a more light hearted and fun read, have you caught up on this week’s American Idol, recapped by the one and only moi? No?
Go here – http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/american-idol-2012-top-13.html

Also, follow a bitch on Twitter – @PearlBDragon

Till Next Time,

PearlBlackDragon

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