Survivor Recap: BOOBS

Heya Gasmi!  Before we get started, just wanted to give a quick shout out to all the commenters; you guys rock!  It was great to see so many familiar names, absent peeps now returned (Heya Tink!) and new Gasmi who I’ve seen commenting on other shows, but not on one of mine before.  We recappers love comments (even delusional ones) and TVGasm has the best peeps of all!  Soooo……you ready for another round of Survivor?

I dunno, are you done kissing ass?

It’s called being appreciative you bitch.  Anyway…

Salami returns from tribal council to find Michael, Jay, and Colton in their camp.  But don’t worry; they are totally NOT there to spy on the girls.  Michael was just keeping their fire going for them while they were gone.  But, you know, if you feel like talking about tribal……

Kat isn’t impressed.  You might remember that she’s the “fire girl” and she has no doubt that she would have been able to get that fire going again without any help from the guys.

Big hugs for me by me!

The ladies fill the guys in on Kourtney going home, and Michael is annoyed that they were all safe.  Once the fellas leave, Christina asks Alicia if they can talk.  Sure.  Alicia tells us that tribal council couldn’t have gone any better because Christina proved she is totally crazy.

Yes, YOU are the same one.  ABSOLUTELY.

Christina tries to explain herself to Alicia and in front of the tribe, everything seems all hunky dory, but Alicia tells us privately that she still doesn’t like Christina.  “If I saw her swimming in an ocean and she was drowning, I’d probably look the other way.”

So.  If any of her special ed kids have had “accidents”……..well, jus sayin’; someone might wanna look into that.  Maybe they told her to shut up or something.

Alicia knows she doesn’t really have to be nice right now because she is in an alliance of five.  She’d like to boot Christina, but Nina will do as well.

Poor Nina.  It’s not her fault she has net face.

The next morning Sabrina calls a tribe meeting, hoping to set some guidelines that will help bond them together.  No one wants to go to tribal council again.  Chelsea thinks they should elect a leader.  The tribe, except for Monica who says nothing, all agree that it should be Sabrina.  She accepts the position, but I don’t think she’s super thrilled about it.  In fact, she tells us that managing the airheads is going to be exhausting.  LOL!

She tells the ladies that she thinks they need to focus on water, food, and shelter and asks for volunteers to take on these responsibilities.  Yes, the first trait of a good leader is delegation.

Shiiiit.  You See what I mean?

Oh girl.  I feel ya.

Monica is the first to volunteer; she says she’ll make sure everyone has water.  Alicia volunteers herself and Kat to search for food.  Sabrina suggests that they organize the search, making things along the way, but Kat poo poos that idea.  She doesn’t have time to mark things.  I’d make a bitch (as in dog joke) but I don’t think female dogs mark their territory.  Or DO they?????

Nina is quiet while all this is going on, and she tells us that it’s obvious that the young uns have teamed up leaving her, Christina and Monica on the outs.  She’s not sure what place she has on this tribe.

As most of the tribe works to build the shelter and get water, Alicia and Kat go off to find food.

Do they think they can fish with their vaginas?

They think it’s SO HILARIOUS that the rest of their tribe thinks they’re out looking for food while they are fucking off like they’re on a vacation.  TWATS.

You’ve got tree mail!  There are three really big boxes and a note telling them not to open anything until both tribes are together.   Once both tribes are gathered, Bill reads the instructions.  Oh fuck me gently with a chainsaw!!  It’s a fucking reward challenge with NO JEFF PROBST!!!  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?

Hey, it conflicted with the massage I scheduled!

What a load of crap.  So the challenge is that each tribe has a box containing a ring that has a bunch of ropes knotted onto it.  The first tribe to untie all their ropes from the ring will win a tarp.  No one asks them if it’s worth playing for.  Since ManOhNO has an extra player, they will be sitting someone out; it’s Michael.

Colton starts them off with a ready, set….go, and both tribes open up their boxes.  Each person takes a section of the knots to work on and both tribes seem to be doing well with it (though it’s hard to tell without Probst updates every twenty seconds).  In the end, the guys win.  Again.

Michael tosses Leif into the air in celebration.

ManOhNo returns to their camp

And Tarzan gives new meaning to their tribe name.

As everyone else is busy working around camp, Colton sits around watching, then he sits in a swing, watching.  This does not go unnoticed by Michael.  He is PISSED.  Meanwhile, Colton is still swinging.

Nu uh.  I already said I don’t go both ways!

Jonas, Michael and Bill get together to complain about Colton.  They’ve decided that he’s going to be the first to go.  Jonas points out that Colton is close with the girls and will take them out if they are down numbers once they get to the merge.  Uh, guys?  There have to be women left for him to join up with in order for that scenario to work.

Jonas thinks Colton is making Russell look like a little school girl.

How sweet.

Over at Salami, the ladies are working on their shelter as well.  Colton wanders over and tells them he is ready to walk off the island.  Sabrina thinks he should try bonder with the guys.  Colton says he doesn’t have anything in common with the guys.  Except for having a dick.

He hangs out FOREVER, and Sabrina says she has realized that he is a distraction; she’s spent most of her day entertaining him.  So, she calls a tribe meeting and tells Colton he’s got to go.  Colton leaves sadly, feeling like he should find somewhere on the island, build his own little hut and just be his own tribe.

The Colton tribe, able to start a fire with a single swish

Back at Salami, Sabrina breaks it to the girls that there really is no meeting; she just wanted to get rid of Colton.  They are not unhappy at that revelation.  Their relief at his absence is short loved because here he comes again….

Trying to hide his entrance by blending into the shrubbery

It’s not working dude!  Maybe you should give them a little time to miss you first…..No?  Um….okay.

He’d like to have a meeting with all of them.  They are not thrilled at all, but agree to meet with him.  He breaks down, telling them that he really REALLY wants to hang out with them.  Like REALLY.  He swears he will never betray them.

I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky……

Sabrina is over him; she thinks the more he comes over the more he starts becoming a little more jerky every minute.  Kim nicely tries to explain to him that no matter how much they like him, he is still on the other tribe.  It just wouldn’t be smart for them to let him hang out and hear all their strategy or lack thereof).

Sabrina tells us that they need to start owning their tribe, their thoughts, their actions, and their vision of what they want to look like down the road without having a guy that acts like a girl involved.  I hope they’re imagining themselves gone because I’m pretty sure they’re going to have to own that.  SOON.

Colton leaves again.  Wah wah.

Later that night Tarzan is doing some sort of native dance.  Or he is epileptic.  One thing is sure…..

This man should never have been allowed to purchase a speedo.  Who is responsible for selling that to him?  They should be immediately drawn and quartered!

Now I have to rinse my eyes out with bleach.  What’s going to happen when those get all worn out and have to be blurred?  Ohmygod…….the metal image is frightening!!!

Colton finally realizes he has to play the game with his own tribe.  After all, he has the hidden immunity idol; he can regroup and use that to his advantage.  THANK YOU!!  After the frat boys have gone to sleep, Colton meets with Douchezan, Leif, and Jonas.

He shows them his hidden immunity idol and says he plans in using it whenever they go to tribal council; he is NOT going home.  Douchezan wants to know where he got the idol, and he’s honest that the girls gave it to him.  It really doesn’t matter how he got it; if they use it right, it puts them in a better spot than the frat boy alliance.

Why am I always hungry whenever they show this guy?  Mmmmmm….sushi.  Damn, hold on!

Okay, sorry about that.  The mention of sushi has a Pavlovian effect on me.

Douchezan is excited about the prospect of getting rid of the muscleheads.  I think with all the girls on the other tribe, it makes it easier to lose your strongest players when you don’t feel like the other tribe is a threat to even your weakest players.

Leif says they need to keep this on the down low, where he can keep an eye on it.  Jonas is impressed with Colton; he went from zero to hero in no time at all.  Colton continues to prove he does have at least a couple of brains in his head, saying that he needs to make sure the other guys still think he’s on their side; he does not want them to see the booting coming.

He hilariously calls his alliance the misfit alliance, and I giggle at the moniker because he is so right!!

We’re on the Island of Misfit Toys
Here we don’t want to stay
We want to travel with Santa Claus
In his magic sleigh

He’s happy to work with his band of misfits until he can get with the girls.  Now he’s feeling confident and tells us this is HIS world.  They should have called this season Survivor: Colton’s World. LOLOLOLOLOL!!

Time for the immunity challenge.

Jeff shows up for this one and the first thing he does is take the idol back from the guys.

That idol’s a cheeky bastard, isn’t he?

Jeff explains the rules of the challenge.  Each tribe will line up next to each other on a narrow beam that is over the water.  One at a time they must move across the beam, maneuvering around their tribemates.  If they fall off?  Swim back to the beginning and start again.  Touch two people at one time?  Swim back to the beginning and start again.

Once one person gets to the platform, the next person can begin.  First tribe to get all their people over to the platform wins immunity.  The losers will be going to tribal council.  ManOhNo has to sit someone out and this time they choose Tarzan.  Methinks that was probably a very smart move.

Kat starts the challenge for Salami, while Leif is starting for the guys.

Hey……while you’re down there…..

Leif gets around Colton quickly, but has to jump in because he touches two guys at the same time. Meanwhile, Kat is having a really hard time getting around Monica.  She blames it on the boobs.  As she gets to Chelsea, she moving real slow and Kim wonders if Monica could do it better.  No one listens to her.

Meanwhile, Leif is across for the guys and Colton is up next.  Kat decides to go behind Chelsea which works, so she tries it again with Kim, but almost pushes her in.  When Christina reaches out to save them from going in she gets a flag for illegal contact, and so they have to start all over again.

Kat goes through again and this time when she gets to Christina she keeps telling her to stay while Christina once again reaches out and touches someone else.  Gotta start over again.  Oh, and Colton is across.

Jonas starts while Kat goes again.  This time Christina falls off when Kat gets to her.  Kat jumps back in and Jeff says he not sure why: she didn’t have to, she could have stayed where she was.  And…..Jonas is across.

Bill starts while the ladies switch it up and try starting with Christine.  Bill and Jay fall in.  No worries,  they’ve got a hell of a lead so that one’s not gonna break them.

See?

Monica jumps in so she can put herself in the position to go across.  As Monica is trying to get around Christina, Kat reaches out to steady them.  Have to start again!  Christina’s fallen off and is in the water, Monica has to jump in as well, and Kat jumps in because she is a fucking idiot.  Nina thinks she is as dumb as a rock.  I think rocks are offended by that statement.

Hey, guess what?  Bill’s across.  Monica tries again and appears to have found a groove.  The men have three people left.  Douchezan falls in the water with Michael, and the women are trying to rush and make up some time.  They’ve just lost WAAAAY too much time, and before their second person can get all the way across, the guys win it.

AGAIN

Sabrina tells Monica she did a good job, and Chelsea takes up Kat’s excuse, blaming it on the boobs. Yeah, it was the BOOBS alright.  Monica is not happy.  “I’m sad. I’m sad for women. This isn’t the way women are and frankly I’m so embarrassed.”

Later at camp, Salami has a meeting to discuss the challenge.  Kat apologizes for fucking it all up and she gets consoled by her tribemates.  Are you KIDDING me?!?!?  Nina can’t believe it either.  She points out (to us)that Kat jumped in the water.  TWICE when she didn’t need to!!

After the meeting, Monica and Nina go off for water and talk about how they (and Christina) are on the outskirts of the tribe.  Nina says she is voting for Kat because she sucks.  Monica wants to go to some of the others and suggest Kat for the booting, but she’s afraid that will make them turn on her.  Nina says to Monica that they are the tribe of the witless.  She is not wrong.

Over by the campfire, Kat walks up to Alicia and farts on her.

And now we know why she was so unconcerned about the firestarting.

Nina turns to Chelsea and says Kat needs to go.  Chelsea admits that she is also embarrassed about their poor performance.  Nina tells Chelsea she’s too smart to let this happen; they can redeem themselves as a tribe by getting rid of the nitwit.

So Chelsea talks to Kim about her talk with Nina, and Kim agrees that Kat sucks.  BUT they ARE in an alliance, and she wonders what the other alliance members will think if they want to break it up so soon.  UGH.  Then you’d be in a NEW alliance, dummies!!

They head out to tribal council.  Once there, Jeff chastises them saying that they are only five days in and they’re off to one of the worst starts ever in this game.  Really, Jeff?  EVER?????  I’m pretty sure there have been other tribes that have lost the first four in a row.

I said EVER, do you hear me??  EV-ER!!!

He blames their abominable losses on their total dysfunction.  Wrong, Jeff.  It’s because Kat sucks.

He asks Kim what she brings to the game.  She thinks she’s a pretty good communicator.  Jeff feels like he’s talking to sixth graders.

Why don’t y’all just weave some friendship bracelets and sing “You Oughta Know”?  I’ve heard that’s a bonding thing you chicks do.

Nina says they have a real lack of communication and points out that there is an alliance of five of which she is not a member.  Jeff wonders if they’ve even bothered to find out anything about each other and what strengths they might bring to their tribe.  Nope.  Well……wanna go first Nina?  She tells her tribe that she is a retired police officer from L.A.  She served for thirteen years, is good under pressure, and has good physical skills.

I’d like Kat to explain to the group why she sucks

I’m young.  And young.  I’m really young.  But I like people and the outdoors.  And I have a dog named Snoodles.  I’m young, y’all.

She feels super bad for letting them all down today, and Nina wonders if Kat can even function under pressure.  Does she have athletic ability?  Oh, and let’s not forget she jumped in the water when she didn’t need to not once, BUT TWICE!!

Kim tells Jeff that it’s basically down to Nina or Kat and it’ll come down to different skills they bring to the tribe.  Jeff asks Chelsea if they knew then what they know now would they have formed different alliances.  Yep.  Sabrina, do you feel the same way?  Damn skippy.

Jeff says to Alicia that there is no girl power going on right now, no young girls watching at home and routing for them.  Alicia is embarrassed by their performance.  She should be.  Now Kat is crying and saying it’s her fault.  But she never fails you guys, NEVER.  Of course she’s never done anything that she had a chance of failing at, but ……

I’m young!  Did I mention I’m young????

Next Kat tries to throw Christina into the mix, saying she’s not even playing the game.  Christina shakes her head no, but keeps quiet because she knows it’s obvious that Kat is just plain desperate at this point.  Time to vote.  Kat votes for Nina, Nina votes for Kat.

Time to read the votes.  Anyone have the immunity idol?  No?  Okay, let’s get down to it.  First vote is Nina, second is Kat, then Kristina, Nina, Nina, Nina, and that will do it.  She is outta there.

Jeff sends the women on their way, but of course he has to first lecture them about their lack of winning.  Get it together, ladies.

Hey, guess what?  Looks like next week the ladies still suck.  Shocking!!!

Nina thinks the tribe made a huge mistake voting her out instead of Kat.  She wishes them luck but she thinks they guys are going to kick their asses.

And there you have it, Gasmi.  What did you think of this week’s show?  Do you think the ladies did the right thing keeping Kat, or should Nina and her net face have stayed?  Were you impressed by Colton’s game play, or was it too little too late?  How ‘bout Jeff taking the reward challenge off?

Thanks for being here!  I can’t wait to see what y’all thought about this one.

SWAK, PottyMouth

 

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