Previously on Survivor, Colon was a classist, racist asshole that somehow gained control of his entire tribe even though it seemed that absolutely no one liked him. It’s true what they say about power; it brings out the worst in people.
It also causes uncontrollable bitchiness and eye rolls.
Even a tribe mix up couldn’t oust Colon from the throne he put himself on. And so his reign of hate and meanness continues.
Now with a feral monkey as his court jester
Talks of karmic justice began to circulate, but other than landing on the decidedly weaker tribe…..NOTHING. Maybe karma is on vacation.
Let’s get to this week’s episode since pouting and complaining about karma will get us nowhere. We pick up right after tribal council. As you may recall, Manono just voted Monica out because Colon was threatened by her and everyone else is either too wimpy to stand up to him…
Or is just as awful a person as he is.
UGH. I can’t stand Alicia. She thinks that was the funniest tribal council EVAH. She’s cackling about how tribal couldn’t have gone any better and she’s so glad the plan to vote out Monica went so well. Christina’s not feeling as happy, knowing she’s on the outs with her tribe mates.
Even if she couldn’t have figured it out for herself, it wouldn’t have taken too long because Colon starts right in telling her that no one will make an alliance with her, except for maybe a hermit crab. He tells us he doesn’t give a shit if Christina knows she’s out next because there is nothing she can do to save herself.
What about stabbing you in your sleep? Would that work?
Personally, I think it’s a little dangerous to be taunting someone like that out in the wilderness; she could do some major damage to his assy face before anyone would be able to stop her, ya know?
Later that night, the tribe is settling down for the night and no one has left any room for Christina to squeeze into the shelter. She asks Alicia to move over, but that nasty bitch refuses, telling her she doesn’t care because Christina is going to be gone.
You are a TWAT
Christina pushes at Alicia, trying to get her to move over and Alicia threatens to beat her ass. If I were Christina I would keep at her and not let anyone sleep until they let me in there. ESPECIALLY given how FUCKING NASTY they’ve been to her. Fuck all of them.
Over at Salami the next morning, Kat tells her tribe that she dreamt Alicia killed her. Little does she know that the dream was probably a warning to them all about that nasty skanky BITCH. For real Kat; your dream is trying to tell you something; kill or be killed.
Kim and Chelsea fetch the tribe’s tree mail which tells them it involves something they might play in their backyard and that the reward will be something sweet. Of course they’re all excited about the prospect of some dessert.
I didn’t think victory could taste any sweeter, but apparently it CAN!
Time for the reward challenge. Everyone arrives and Salami sees that Monica got the boot. Sabrina thinks this means the girls are going to be picked off one by one and is worried about the ladies being outnumbered when a merge happens.
The challenge includes the use of coconuts AGAIN. This time they will each race to the top of a stack of crates. They will then throw a coconut, bouncing it off a trampoline, attempting to hit a target. After the throw, they will race back and let the next person from their tribe go. First tribe to knock out all five of their targets wins reward.
The winning tribe will get taken to a make shift ice cream parlor and stuff themselves with as much ice cream as they like. Hope no one is lactose intolerant!!!
Salami sits out Sabrina and we are ready to begin. Jay and Colon are up first and neither one hits the targets. Next up, Alicia and Kat; no hits. Jeff thinks Alicia’s throw was like a little kid’s. Next to go are Troyzan and Christina; neither getting a hit, but Christina get to be yelled at by Colon as she makes her way back to the mat.
I so wish she would have strolled back.
Jonas and Chelsea have a hitless turn before Kim lands a shot for Salami. Tarzan makes his shot, tying it up. Leif also makes his shot and now Manono is in the lead. Not for long, because Chelsea connects on her next turn.
Christina gets yelled at by Colon AGAIN and I totally would have given her a standing ovation if she had walked back to the mat. Or moonwalked back; that would have been AWESOME. Interestingly, Colon doesn’t berate Alicia even though Jeff is disgusted by her throwing attempts and even calls her pathetic.
You throw like a feral child
Troyzan hits the final target and with that, Salami wins. Again.
Suck on that ASSHOLE
Colon is PISSED. But not at himself, even though he didn’t hit anything. Not at Alicia who sucked balls at the challenge. Nope. He has decided it is ALL Christina’s fault that they have lost because she didn’t give her all in the challenge. She is so gone, he tells us. “She drives me insane. I hate her voice. I hate her face. I hate everything about her.”
America feels the same way about YOU
Salami arrives at the ice cream parlor for their reward and the pigging out begins. I’m guessing some people are gonna have belly aches later. Mike points out that they have now won the last three challenges which is awesome for them and their morale, but is even more awesome because of the way it hurts Manono’s morale.
Colon is still harping about how Christina sucks when they get back to camp. He tells her to enjoy the last two days. “You can quit or you can jump in the fire, whichever is more convenient for you.” HATE. HIM. Of course Alicia is right there with him, cackling away, really enjoying kicking Christina while she is down. It’s a disgusting sight to behold.
Instead of giving up the way they hope she will, Christina is determined not to give up. When Colon, Alicia and Tarzan leave the camp to talk, she uses it as an opportunity to talk to Jonas and Leif. She warns them that they shouldn’t trust Alicia; she has an alliance with the women of Salami and will surely go right back with them at the merge. She says regardless of what they do about her, they should definitely make sure Alicia gets the boot next.
Jonas is listening to what Christina is telling them; he thinks it’s possible that she’s telling the truth because he doesn’t really know much about Alicia. Other than the fact the she’s become Colon’s right hand hag.
Unfortunately Alicia arrives back at camp in time to get the gist of what Christina is laying down.
Alicia starts clapping as soon as Christina is done and says she’s been there the entire time. What a nasty piece of work she is. Christina doesn’t mind that Alicia heard her because she was telling the truth. Alicia is PISSED so she yells at Christina, calling her a liar. I wish Christina had clapped right back at her for her performance here.
How dare she call me out on my shit when I have been nothing but nasty to her!
A little bit later, Manono gathers around the fire and Colon complains that his head hurts. Must be all those lovely thoughts swirling around his evil brain. He says this headache is unlike any headache he’s ever had in his life. I’d like to feel sorry for him but I just don’t have it in me.
Christina feels bad for him and plays with his hair as he rests his head in her lap. She is a much better person than I am. Jonas tells him to drink more water, maybe he is dehydrated. Tarzan tells him it could be a tension headache and then asks him about his symptoms.
Turns out that it’s not only Colon’s head that hurts; he also has a pain in his belly that feels like someone’s cutting from his belly button to his right side. Christina continues on her quest to sainthood, telling him soothingly that he hasn’t been eating and this is also the first time he’s been away from home.
St. Christina, patron saint of bile filled assholes.
She’s hoping that her kindness will not go unnoticed; maybe Colon will realize she’s a really good person, not the bad one that Alicia’s trying to make her out to be. Colon tells us: “Of course Christina’s going to do that because she’s trying to save herself.” Could he be any more hateful? She’s the only one trying to comfort him and he’s STILL talking smack about her but has no qualms about letting her soothe him and baby him. HATE.
The next morning he’s still feeling like crap. Tarzan takes a look at his tongue and says he is definitely dehydrated. He tells him to drink more water. Since Colon also has abdominal pain, Tarzan is also concerned about Colon’s appendix.
The nastiness you’ve been spewing seems to have backed up in your system. I advise an immediate personality-ectomy.
Colon wanders off, looking for his canteen and tells us he is really worried. He’s dehydrated, dizzy, his stomach hurts, and his pee is brown. He’s worried that he so bad that there’s no coming back from this. He lays on the ground, occasionally whimpering. Interestingly, the cameraman does not run off for help. The crew must hate him too. It’s on the ground where Christina finds him. She runs for help and here come Jeff and the medical team.
Dr Ramona examines Colon and notes that his heart rate doubles in response to the pain he feels when she checks his abdomen.
I diagnose you with a sever case of Soul Rot.
Not really; that’s impossible to diagnose without the proper equipment. She says it’s very likely that he has appendicitis. Colon starts to cry. He tells Jeff he doesn’t want to leave. Doesn’t matter what he wants though; Jeff pulls him from the game, knowing that appendicitis is a serious issue. Colon responds “I just wish I could have done more.” More what? Damage? Spewing of the foulness that pollutes his soul? I for one am glad to see him gone.
Colon asks Jeff if he is allowed to give his immunity idol to someone. That’s up to him.
Jeff gathers the tribe and breaks the news to them. Alicia is not happy that she’s losing her strategy buddy and Jonas feels so bad that Colon is being forced to leave the game because he loves it SO MUCH. Colon tells them to keep fighting, for him. And then says he is taking the immunity idol with him, and tells them to tell Sabrina he says thanks for the souvenir.
Alicia is PISSED that Colon didn’t give her the immunity idol, but I am laughing my ASS off right now! She thinks Colon is a spoiled brat for keeping it because he knows how bad she needs that idol to keep her safe. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Jonas realizes that this puts him in a better position and thinks it might be a better move to get rid of Alicia now instead of Christina. Yes! Get that nasty bitch out of there!! HEE! Jonas also mentions karma and thinks that maybe Colon just got a taste of it. He’s a regular genius that Jonas.
The next day Kim and Sabrina check tree mail over at Salami. It’s a little confusing to them because it says: “You haven’t won. You haven’t lost, but you will go to Tribal tonight.” Sounds like there will be no challenge and each tribe will be voting someone out of the game. I hate it when they do that.
Mike has a different theory: maybe each tribe will vote for a person from the opposite tribe to leave the game. Kim doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, but she DOES have an idol which she’ll be squirreling back to her
crotch back pocket in case she needs it tonight.
Plus, it feels so good inside my panties.
Manono is also confused by the tree mail and Alicia is hoping that they will be just discussing what happened to Colon, not voting anyone out. She’s worried if a vote happens that she might be the one to go. Alicia decides to play a game of “Does anyone like me?” and Tarzan says that he sure does. Christina wonders whether they like her, and Tarzan says he sure doesn’t. Wow. What an asshole.
Well, someone has to be the asshole on this tribe; might as well be me, right?
Christina tells Jonas and Leif she is with them as long as they are voting for Alicia. Jonas is ready to do that; he’s ready to take the bull by the horns and make himself the new leader of the tribe. Meanwhile, Tarzan pulls Leif aside and makes a case for voting out Christina; he thinks Christina is dangerous and will say anything to keep herself in the game. Leif has now become the swing vote.
While this is going on, Alicia is still bitching that Colon didn’t give her his idol.
Whine, whine, whine, whine.
It’s never not funny how pissed she is about it.
Salami arrives at tribal council first, so they watch Manono come in and realize that Colon is missing. Jeff explains that Colon was medically evacuated from the game and it turned out that he did have acute appendicitis, requiring him to be flown to a hospital for surgery. Kat doesn’t know what that is.
To be fair, she barely knows her own name; how could we expect her to know about things like surgery, appendixes and the like?
Troyzan feels sad for Colon because he has conveniently forgotten what a punk ass bitch he was. Kim is also sad (because she has no idea what a dick he was) because she knows how much appendicitis hurts, but she’s doesn’t mind having another person out of the game. Plus that immunity idol is hitting all the right spots.
Alicia takes this opportunity to announce that Colon took the idol with him and sends his thanks to Sabrina for it. Chelsea isn’t so sure that Alicia is telling the truth about the idol; she thinks he probably gave it to someone.
Kat is also worried about the idol, but she’s more worried about the whole appendix thingy and how she can keep hers from getting hurt.
This appendicitis stuff isn’t contagious, is it? Did you just breathe on me? Help! Help! Help!!!!!
Jeff says that even though Colon has gone, he still has left an imprint on the game. And a stink too, Jeff, don’t forget about that because it’ll take some time and a lot of scrubbing to get his stench outta here.
He then tells them all to drop their buffs because they are merging. ARGH. Really??!?! What a bunch of crap. Now that bitch Alicia is sure to hang around for a while. Not cool, Jeff, NOT COOL.
So we’re left with an equal amount of men and women in the game and they’re all heading back to the beach that they started at. I am not happy about this turn of events, and I’m hoping that Chelsea and Kim stick with Jay and Troyzan instead of going back with the girls. Alicia and her saggy tits need to GO.
And there you have it, Gasmi. What did you think of this episode? Were you happy to see Colon gone, even though it meant he was hurt instead of getting voted out? Were you disgusted by the fact that no one stood up for Christina when Colon and Alicia were being so hateful to her? Did you laugh when Colon took the idol with him?
It’ll be interesting to see how things shake out next week. I’m still hoping that Alicia gets the boot in her big fat ass face. Whatever happens, I’ll be there and hope you will be too. Until then…
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