Survivor Recap: Fellowship of the CockRing

Hi again, Gasmi!  I’m hoping that we have some real excitement this week now that the pagonging has been completed.  Fingers crossed!

Before we get started though, I have to say how sad I was to see the news that Ethan’s cancer has returned.  (Thanks for sharing, cattyfan)  I really hope that they’re able to get it back into remission.  **sending good thoughts his way**

Alright, let’s talk about these boneheads!

How’d we end up here?

Loopholo +CockRing return to camp after the latest tribal council, and Benjamin celebrates the fact that they’ve eradicated all former Savaii members.  Well, except for CockRing, but he’s part of the family now.

He’s the annoying little cousin everyone gives wedgies to at family gatherings

Benjamin states the obvious, saying now they have to start sending home some of their own.  Edna’s not feeling too good about her position given the fact that crawling up Benjamin’s ass is only going to keep her safe for so long.  It could be the alliance of five that does her in, or it could be a bean burrito reward; we’ll have to wait and see.

CockRing is also worried, even as he tells the others he is still happy with his decision.  He’s not; he’s scared shitless.  He tells us that tribal council was kind of alarming for him because it was made clear that he was the person going at seventh place.

Looks like you finally caught up to the rest of us

I guess we’ve got an hour of him scrambling to look forward to.  Yay.

The next morning CockRing regales his tribe with tales of his youth.  These tales involve crank calling girls and telling them he wants to swap sperm with them.  He neglects to mention those calls took place three days before leaving for this show.

Even Edna wants to puke and she’s been living in Benjamin’s butt

Sophie is not taken in by CockRing’s stories and thinks that his personality is something that can help him out here.  Not with his last tribe, Sophie!  She tells us that she thinks he’s really proud of the move he made and that he thinks because of that someone will take him to the end.  Honestly, that’s the best thing he has going for him because you know there’s no way in hell anyone from Savaii would give him a million dollars.

Later, as the tribe goes about their daily business, CockRing looks around and tells us there has always been a sort of cult like quality to this tribe.  Just hearing the word family over and over makes you think of Charles Manson, he tells us.  And that family committed some pretty heinous murders.  CockRing doesn’t want to be their Sharon Tate.

Time for another prayer circle.

Dear God, please give CockRing a little color; it’s positively creepy how white he stays after days and days and days outdoors.  Is he Powder’s long lost brother?

I still find all the prayer circling to be really creepy, especially given the fact that we already know some people are not into it.  I’m not against prayer circles as a general thing; to each his own is my motto.  What bugs me about this is that for some of these folks it’s obvious that they’re doing it to avoid crazy HantzyPantzy looking at ‘em all bug-eyed, or being singled out as different from the rest of the tribe.

Sorry.  It just bugs every time I see it.

CockRing doesn’t want to drink the poisoned Kool-aid and he’s hoping that if he reminds his tribe mates of the risks he’s taken, it will help sway a couple of them his way.  Good luck with that one!  I know that people always love throwing what you’ve done for them in their face.

While Edna is out at the beach scaling fish, CockRing pulls together the rest of the tribe.  He asks them not to vote him out at the next tribal council as a way of repaying their debt to him for switching over to their tribe.  Also?  It’s his birthday in three days and he’d really like to celebrate it with them.

I know you all have some shopping to do; I’ve made a list of what I want and put it under each of your pillows

After pleading his case he takes his leave so they can discuss among themselves.

Sophie doesn’t know where CockRing gets this indebted crap; she doesn’t feel indebted to him at all.  Screw him; he made an awful move and should have stuck with his tribe.

You tell ‘em, Sophie!

Albert thinks CockRing makes a valid point, but it’s not his opinion; it’s the opinion of the five that counts.

I vote for burning all Albert’s shirts!  Wait. That wasn’t a choice?

Benjamin agrees with Albert, saying CockRing sacrificed so much for them.  BULLSHIT.  What did he sacrifice?  He couldn’t stand the people on his tribe (justified or not) and hoped to better his situation by jumping ship.  How is that sacrificing anything?

Sophie adds her two cents, saying she feels just as indebted to Edna as she does to CockRing.  So if they’re voting, she’s voting to get CockRing gone.  We don’t hear from Rick or HantzyPantzy, so who knows which way this is going to go?

Time to head over to Redemption Island.  It’s a battle between Ozzy, Dawn, and Whitney this time around.  Today’s duel is the old balancing plates and bowls challenge.  How many times have we seen this one before?

If they don’t win Survivor, they can work at the local circus!

Dawn is out first and goes wah, wah, wah, all the way to the bench.  So it’s down to Ozzy and Whitney.  They are up to twelve dishes in their stack.  Juuuuuust after adding the thirteenth, Whitney’s stack starts to wobble and she can’t recover.  So Whitney is out and Ozzy remains alive in the game.  YAWN.

Dawn cries her way through her final talk with Jeff, saying she thinks her family would be proud of her and she hopes they’ve learned from her that anything is possible.  Whitney is proud to have stayed in the game for 28 days.

Ozzy takes his leave and tells us from this point forward he’s even more excited about the duels because he will be beating people that are his enemies in the game.

I hope I get to crush that little CockRing.

The next day, Ozzy goes fishing.  There’s really no way to tell if this is new footage or old footage; Ozzy is always fishing, isn’t he?  Of course he catches fish for himself because that is what Ozzy does.  He tells us Redemption Island is his home; this is how he’s playing the second half of his game and there’s no one better suited to be out there than him.

True, but you and your fish crotch are going to have to rejoin society eventually.  What then, oh master of fishes?

This to me is yet another example of how Ozzy is clueless about this game.  Yes, he can survive and eat well at Redemption.  His survival skills have never been an issue for him.  It’s his people and strategy skills that suck.  I can’t imagine that he would not get voted out as soon as he’s back in again.  Unless he goes on an immunity run, which is possible.  But winning over the other tribe?  I don’t see that happening.

Over at Tuna Loopholo, Edna is doing some laundry while Brandon and CockRing are out fishing.  Albert is lounging around in the hammock, looking like the tasty treat that he is.

Betcha can’t eat just one!

He thinks the rest of his tribe are foolish for working so hard around camp.  To him the game is about doing well in challenges, creating a great strategy, and playing a strong social game.  Yeah, helping out around camp may help in that whole social game thingy you mentioned.  No one likes to think that someone is not pulling their weight.

Out in the ocean, HantzyPantzy has caught a fish.  He hands it off to CockRing, cautioning him to be careful because it has teeth.

It has teeth; it knows how to use them

CockRing is nervous that the fish is going to come back to life and attack him, but whatever it takes to feed the tribe, he’s happy to contribute.  Um, okay.

Albert seems to have realized that laying around all day might damage his social game just a weeeeeee bit, so he’s gotten up to help with the laundry.  And by help I mean dump the water all over the fire thereby extinguishing it.

Who can I blame this on?

Edna is hella pissed.  She says he lay around watching her for TWO FUCKING HOURS doing laundry and then decides to come in at the last minute and fuck everything up.  Nice.  She finds him to be infuriating.

Sure he looks good, but that doesn’t keep my fire going.

Speak for yourself, Edna.

She says all he does is lay around and eat fish and wait for other people to wait on him.  See Albert?  Not working around camp always comes back to bite you.  Benjamin doesn’t think Albert has done a day of work in his life and basically calls him a momma’s boy.  Rick prefers to call him Prince Albert because he thinks he’s the prince and everyone works for him.  He’s like a little Barbie doll; he looks cute, but he just sits there.

Uh oh.  Our man candy may be in trouble!!!

Later on, Edna and Benjamin are cleaning fish together and she asks him point blank if she’s the next one to go after CockRing.

She asks why, and he says because it’s time to start picking everyone off, one by one.  Yes.  She gets that.  But why her?  This makes her feel as though she is pretty low on the totem pole.  I don’t know why she’s surprised; HantzyPantzy told her where she stood weeks (or days in Survivor time) ago.  That’s old news.

She says she definitely needs to shake it up right now because sixth or seventh is not acceptable to her.  She asks Benjamin if he has any suggestions or ideas that might help her.  What’s his plan?  Is it true that CockRing’s next?  Do you still like me?  Can I still live inside your ass?

Awkward silence…………..yes.

Benjamin knows that keeping Edna and CockRing around would be a good move for him because they would never vote him out.  He’s not sure which way to go.  Should he honor his word and be a man of integrity, or does he want to go another route?

Maybe you should pray on it

The next morning CockRing and Benjamin do their now daily Tai Chi on the beach.  Benjamin tells CockRing it will help center and empower him for the immunity challenge ahead.  BARF.

Benji tells us there’s that one player on every team that you give everything to.  It’s why you teach or coach, and it’s why he plays Survivor; to find that one student that wants to learn.  CockRing is that student for him.

Obe Wan Coachobi

I’d ask if he really believes the crap he’s selling, but we all already know he does.  It must be wonderful to live with that level of delusion in your life.

Benjamin says that he does feel like he owes CockRing and he owes him some sort of hope going into the next challenge.  Then you’d better be praying for a mental challenge!!

CockRing thinks that for all the jokes about Benjamin and his Tai Chi, it is a valid thing for him to be doing.  Usually he has all this garbage going around in his head: How do I curry favor with HantzyPanzty?  How do I make Rick like me?  How do I get out of prayer circle time?  After this Tai Chi session all the stress is melted away and he thinks he might be able to win this next challenge.

Obviously smoking some sort of jungle crack is part of the Benji Tai Chi Beach Workout

Smoking crack?  Possibly.  Eating crack?  Only in the Amazon.

Time for today’s immunity challenge.  You can tell as the tribe is walking in that it’s going to be a redo of challenges we’ve already seen this season.

Jeff confirms this, calling it Survivor déjà vu.  I call it laziness on the challenge creators’ parts, but hey, tomato, tomahto.

The first leg of the challenge will involve tossing sandbags onto platforms.  The first three people to get three sandbags on their platforms move on.  The next and final round is a redo of the coconut catapult where they have to knock over three totem heads by firing coconuts from a giant slingshot.  Some of you may recall that Albert did really well at this the last time around.

In addition to winning immunity, the winner of the challenge will also get treated to a Survivor spa day.  Back at camp the winner will enjoy a bush shower (personally I’d like to shower more than my bush after almost thirty days, but that’s just me), then they’ll get a massage to work out all those kinks.  No word from Jeff as to whether or not a happy ending will be provided as well.

I usually just finish myself off; it’s simpler that way.

Everyone takes their spots and we’re ready to go.  Some people are close to landing a sandbag and then it falls off, some people don’t come close.  In the end, Albert, Sophie and Rick are the ones to be moving on.

Sophie doesn’t do well at all with the giant slingshot; maybe she should have tried the one handed shot Mikayla used.  Oh wait, that didn’t work either.  Basically it’s between Rick and Albert, and it’s a lot closer than I thought it was going to be.  But in the end, Albert pulls out the win.

And gives the sky a round of applause.

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

So Albert is safe from tribal tonight and gets to have a shower and a rub.  Of course there’s room for two in that shower, and as is the norm in these types of rewards, Albert gets to pick a friend to join him.  He says it’s so hard to choose because everyone of these people is a family member of his, and he hates picking amongst family.  But he’s gotta pick and so he picks Benjamin.  Smart move, Albert.  Always pick Daddy when there’s a reward involved.

Albert asks Jeff if there’s any way he can pick one more.  Nope.  Well then, can he give his massage to someone else?  He wants to give up his reward, Jeff asks him.  He wouldn’t mind, he says, if someone gives up their food for him another time.

Yeah.  That’s not gonna happen.

Jeff says if wants to give up his reward to someone else he certainly can; it’s his to do with as he wants.  He makes another plea about food and I wish he would shut up about it.  If he’s trying to gain favor and seem like a nice guy by giving up his reward, he ruining it with all this talk of give me your food the next time.  SHUT UP.

Albert decides to give his massage to CockRing since it’s his birthday in just a couple of days.  Jeff asks CockRing if a massage is something he’s looking forward to.  Yes!  He’s given his mom massages over the years, but he’s never personally received one himself.

I’m smiling because I’m trying not to barf all over you.

**SHUDDER**  Can I just say the mental image of CockRing giving a massage to an older, female version of himself has given me nightmares for days!!!

Looks like I’m not the only one!

As the tribe heads back to camp CockRing tells us there’s only a couple of reasons that Albert would give up his reward to CockRing.  One is that he wants to work strategically together which would be the ideal option.  The other one is that it’s a sweet farewell gift to make CockRing like him before he joins the jury.  Either way, he’s hoping he gets to stay at least one more night.

One the road back to camp, Te Tuna encounters the Survivor Massage Parlor.

Benjamin jumps into the shower first and tells CockRing that the water smells scented, like jasmine or something.  He talks about how unbelievable it is while CockRing watches and wishes Benji would shut the fuck up and let him have his turn already.

How big IS your bush, Benjamin?

Benjamin is still going, saying he’s trying not to use all the water.  WOW.  What a dick.  I wonder how much water he ended up leaving in there for CockRing?

CockRing tells us that up to this point he’s never had a massage.  He’s thrilled to see that some stupid little white lie about when his birthday is got him something after all.  Oh.  His birthday was actually before they came out here, not in a couple of days.  He was hoping that they would keep him around, feeling too bad to vote him out for his birthday.

The guys are massaged side by side, talking about how rejuvenating and awesome it is.  Benjamin can’t think of anything that would be better than this.  Well, he can; CockRing’s like being saved in the game would be great too, and he’s going to do all that he can to make that happen.  Of course he says that while CockRing is laying beside him, so take that as you will.

I was going to insert a picture of CockRing on the massage table here, but decided instead to spare you.  You are welcome.

Later, CockRing thanks Albert for the massage and also asks him how things are looking for him with the vote.  Albert says it’s not looking too good for him right now.  Albert doesn’t think he can get Benjamin to change his vote.  CockRing disagrees, telling Albert that he’s pretty sure Benjamin will vote for Rick if the circumstances were right.

He also makes sure to tell Albert that Rick calls him Princess Albert behind his back.  I thought it was Prince Albert?  Oh, I see; he’s making it even worse by changing Prince to Princess.

Do I look like a princess to you?

This works just the way CockRing hoped it would and Albert says he’d be happy to see CockRing go further in this game than Rick.  He tells CockRing that if Benjamin will change his vote to Rick, Albert will do the same.

From here CockRing goes to talk to Edna.  He tells her about his talk with Albert and then plan to vote out Rick.  Of course Edna is onboard with this because it moves her up the tribe hierarchy as well.  Now all CockRing has to do is talk to Benji.

Remember when you said you’d fight to the end to keep me?

You’ll have to speak up; I’m a little deaf in that ear.

Benjamin isn’t sure what to do and tells us that which way he goes tonight is going to determine the rest of this game.  Because I guess no one else has a say in how things go?  I guess not since everyone seems to have handed over the reins of their game to him.  OY.

Time for tribal council.

Once everyone is settled, Jeff asks if Benjamin where does this rank with all the possibilities of what could happen in tonight’s vote.  He thinks the possibilities are endless.  He thinks no one knows if they’re three, four, fivesixorseven in the tribe hierarchy.

All I know is that I am number one

He says there was a new scenario presented to him and Albert and everyone else every hour.  It’s nuts.  Jeff asks CockRing if he felt the scrambling today.  DUH.  He was scrambling big time.  He says he’s sure it will fill the jury with great glee to hear he is in danger tonight.

Damn skippy!

He kinda feels like an idiot.  He says he doesn’t mean to sound greedy but he’s here to collect a debt.  He gave life to this tribe, and to be targeted for seventh is a little bit humiliating.  He feels a little duped.  The massage was nice and all, but he feels like he’s entitled to at least one more night here.

Albert speaks up here, saying he’s told his tribe that he doesn’t think it’s a great image for them to use and abuse someone.  He doesn’t regret his decision of giving CockRing the reward and he doesn’t want him to regret his decision.

Benjamin concedes that they’re in the good standing they’re in because of the move that CockRing made.  Rick doesn’t want to see CockRing stay because he doesn’t want there to be a chance of him going instead.

Jeff notices that Edna is getting a bit emotional and he wonders why.  She feels like she is sixth. (again: DUH)  She says the perception that the six were equal was a delusion; she was led to think that she was equal.  In certain people’s minds they weren’t.

And by certain, I mean everyone but me.

She’s really sad because she feels like she’s already been deceived.  She talks about finding cracks amongst the group and Hantzy cannot keep quiet anymore.  He says everyone here knows what’s gonna happen with CockRing and Edna: tonight CockRing is going home and then next week he’s voting Edna.  Period.  End of story.

Don’t make me say it again!

Jeff points out to Benji that Hanzty now poses a huge problem in that you can’t talk strategy with him at all.  Benji says Hantzy’s inability to budge from his position is both a blessing and a curse in this game.  It’s great when you’re with him because you know he’s not going to waver, but you’re also afraid he’s going to spill the apple cart.

Jeff asks Hantzy if he’s exhausted.  Yes.  He wants to do wrong things because he’s human but there’s something stronger inside him that won’t let him.  Anything worth having is not going to be easy.  Sniffle, sniffle, sob, sob.

Jeff wonders to CockRing if this sets off a little spark of life; maybe Hanzty is showing he can’t handle all this.  CockRing thinks that Hanzty has proven that he’s not the guy you want a strategic partnership with.  Talking with Hantzy about strategy is like talking to Jeff about shirts that are not blue.

I smile because I’m gonna kick your ass later

Sophie doesn’t see this as a problem since Hantzy is following the plans of the majority which she also supports.  CockRing says he feels foolish for switching to their side because if he goes out seventh it may go down as one of the most idiotic moves in the history of the game.

Oh, don’t worry about that CockRing.  There are PLENTY of other idiotic moves that have been  made; some that are WAAAAAAAY more idiotic than your move.  At least you didn’t win immunity first and then give it to the very people who will vote you out!

Time to vote.

When Jeff reads the votes we’ve got CockRing, Rick, Rick, CockRing, CockRing, CockRing.

So CockRing heads out to Redemption while his former tribe mates smile at his ouster.  He has some difficulty navigating the steps so everyone also gets a little chuckle at his expense as he leaves.

Over at Redemption, Ozzy is unsurprised to see him.  CockRing wonders if he has a chance of beating Ozzy in the duel.  Sure, says Ozzy.  No way in hell can he beat me, Ozzy tells us.  LOL.

And there you have it, Gasmi.  Was anyone surprised at the way this went down?  Me either.  I still understand why CockRing was easy to sway over to their side; the Savaii people weren’t very nice to him.  But with all the talk of getting rid of all Savaii, he really should have seen this coming.  And his attempts to tell them all how much they owed him were a bad move in my opinion since people don’t like being told how much they owe anyone.

I can’t wait to hear what everyone thought of this one.  See you in a few days where hopefully things will start getting interesting!

SWAK, PottyMouth

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