Is it just me, or does it seem waaaaaay too soon for another season of Survivor? I feel like we just finished that one! Well, too soon or not, the new season is here. Thankfully Redemption Island is scrapped, but the stupid hidden immunity idols remain. Bleh. Oh well; it could be worse……
At least this guy (or any of his relations) isn’t around this time!
Don’t be mad at me, Mr. Dangerous! I don’t think I could handle another Hantz-centric season!!
Alright, let’s get down to business. Jeff rides in a copter while the newest contestants travel by truck. As everyone hangs on for dear life in the back of the truck, we get to meet a couple of the castaways. No names yet, but we see a girl that tells us any guy that likes her is gonna get played, a gay guy that gets along with girls and says guys don’t find him threatening, and a sushi chef.
Jeff tells us that they all think they know the game and the rules, but they are in for a surprise; they’ll be divided onto two tribes but live together on one beach. Two tribes, one camp, no rules.
Except for the rule about not letting go of my hand; don’t let go!!!!!!!
Once everyone has arrived at the designated meeting area, Jeff welcomes them. He wastes no time and jumps right into questioning them about first impressions.
I’m different and don’t fit in!
But she’s gonna make that a good thing. Jeff moves on to Colton (who I’m sure will have “gay dude” as his occupation) who says that there are a lot of cute guys here, but none of them are as cute as he is.
You know you wanna tap this!
Jeff calls out to another dude who tells him his name is Tarzan. GROAN. Can’t we ban the stupid nicknames on this show? I’m supposed to be the one nicknaming everyone!
And…these people listen to me just about as much as everyone else in my life. Sigh.
Now that Jeff has gotten the pre-judgments out of the way; he springs the news on them that they will be divided into tribes based on gender. As they divide up I see that there is a little person on the men’s tribe. I guess Rosie’s not gonna be watching this season.
You got it!
Colton is not so happy about the gender division and tells us that it’s obvious he’s the girl on the guy tribe. Sabrina (high school teacher) opines that everyone knows men can’t live without women. Douchezan thinks they are purely all talk right now; the guys will have no problem. With anything. Yep, Douchezan it is.
The men’s tribe will be called Manono and the ladies’ will be called Salani. I find it interesting that the guys’ tribe name has MAN in it, while the Ladies’ name kinda sounds like Salami. I’m guessing Jeff helped with the names.
Well…..Salami just seems to rolls off the tongue. But in a manly way.
He then tells them that they have sixty seconds to get as many supplies off the truck they came in on as possible. Everybody books over and starts grabbing various items from the truck and putting them into piles on the ground.
One of the guys realizes that the ladies aren’t paying attention, and so he starts to take stuff from their pile and put it into the guys’ pile. UGH. I’d say that’s clever, but it immediately reminds me of Rupert and the stealing of the shoes and then I want to puke. I know plenty of people just ADORE Rupert and find him SO LOVEABLE, but I think the guy is a TWATWAFFLE and I’m still annoyed that the producers of this show gave him a million dollars for being too sucky to win. I know I should move on with my life, but I’m pretty sure y’all know me enough by now to know that’s probably not going to happen.
Anyway, the sixty seconds winds down, and the girls realize that there’s stuff missing from their pile. The guys play dumb. The thief does admit it; he says he sure did steal their stuff; it was too easy. The women call the guys cheaters. They looked crushed to be labeled like that.
Next Jeff tells that the HII are still around (BOOOOOO), BUT there is no Redemption Island (WOOT WOOT!). He then hands each tribe maps to their camps and sends them on their way.
Trekking through the jungle, each of the tribes has a little bit of trouble maneuvering while carrying all their supplies. One of the guys is really impressed by another of his tribemates: little person Leif.
Yeah, well, when all the weight’s tilting TOWARD you……
As the women make their way to camp, Kourtney tells us she wasn’t too thrilled with the men versus women thing. She knows women can be warm, but they can also backstab each other.
Guys find me to be quirky, whereas girls just think I’m annoying.
Alicia (special needs teacher) is sure to tell us that she’s pulling her own weight out here; she’s also keeping track of what everyone else is doing too. She’s already decided who the “strong” women of the tribe are and moves quickly to form a four person alliance with them. One of those women (Kim) tells us she wasn’t really planning on getting into an alliance so quickly, but the guys stealing their stuff made all of the women bond quickly.
Salami is the first to reach their camp and they see that the Manono flag is also there on the beach. They realize that they must be sharing the camp with the guys. Sure enough, here comes the testosterone!
Oh crap. They’re gonna leave their girly stuff EVERYWHERE.
Jonas (sushi chef) decides that he’s going to hold on to the supplies he carried in case the girls try to steal them. Because, you know, the girls are the ones that have already proven themselves to be thieves. Colton points out that the flag says “One World”, but Jonas isn’t buying it; he thinks it’s their world and our world. Hey, as long as you get together and feel alright…..right?
While this is going on, Chelsea and Sabrina spy some chickens. The news spreads quickly and soon both Salami and Manono are chasing chickens. Hmmm….sounds vaguely dirty, doesn’t it?
Chelsea and Matt decide they’ll work together to catch the chickens and then split them up between the tribes. Turns out that wasn’t such a great deal for Chelsea since the gals grab two chickens while the guys nab none. Matt tells Chelsea she should choose which chicken the gals will be keeping, but it seems like there may be a change of plans…
Are you gonna choke my chicken or what?
Matt is not happy about the change in the deal, but Chelsea says she’s not so sure the guys would have stuck by the deal if they’d have caught both chickens. In fact, they’re kinda the ones that set the tone since they stole the ladies stuff.
The guys go back to their group and Michael thinks they should just start building their shelter, but Matt first has to tell us all that he doesn’t care what ya look like: cross him and he’s not working with ya.
I’ll nut punch a girl if I have too.
The tribes start to build their shelters at opposite ends of the camp and Colton obviouses that there’s a clear divide in this “One World”. He’s not happy about that because he’d much rather be hanging out with the girls. In fact, while his tribemates are busy building the shelter, he decides to go over and get to know the women of Salami.
This does not go unnoticed by Matt.
I’ll vag punch a gay if I have to
He says no one cares if Colton is gay, but he’s not trying to fit in with all the manly guys and if he doesn’t stop that, well they’re going to vote his swishy ass outta here. I’m paraphrasing. He makes sure to tell Colton he’s in trouble for hanging with the girls, that is, unless he wants to be a double agent.
I’m not bi.
Don’t make me vag-nut punch you
Colton doesn’t like feeling bullied by Matt and tells us that Matt may think he’s running the show, but if he gets his way that ass is gonna be tapped torch is gonna be snuffed.
There seems to be a strong guy alliance that has formed, and Jay (model) tells the other dudes that they may be putting a target on their backs since they are all young and fit. Matt’s not worried. He thinks it is CLEARLY the dominant alliance, so he’s sitting pretty as far as he’s concerned. I guess he’s forgotten that nine minus four equals FIVE. But….considering the way this game usually does go in the beginning, he’s probably right about being safe.
Meanwhile at Salami, a couple of the gals have decided to try and build a fire…..
By torturing one of their chickens.
Is that some new fire starting method I’m unaware of? What the hell? If you’re worried about it getting away, build a coop or something….is it really necessary to hold the thing inert by its ankles all day?
Colton uses this opportunity to tell the girls how much he needs an idol and to beg them to help him out if they find a clue. Come on gals, you KNOW he needs it. UGH. The begging is ridiculous; why should they even care at this point whether he comes or goes? If he needs an idol so badly he should try and find one on his own, not beg other people to try and help him find one.
Over in Manville, Jay is working hard to start a fire. He tells us that he has no interest in working with any of the women. In fact, he thinks they should just stay on their side of the camp and the guys will stay on theirs.
Vaginas are sneaky and manipulative
Jay manages to get a fire started and this doesn’t go unnoticed by the women. Sabrina offers them a chicken if they’ll start a fire for Salami. Matt’s not having that; the guys were supposed to get a chicken in the original deal without having to swap anything for it. As far as he’s concerned, there’ll be no talk of help until the chicks give up one of the chickens.
So Sabrina is DENIED. Monica and Alicia decide to take a crack at the guys. Monica reminds them that they stole the ladies’ axe; if they start a fire for the girls they can call it even. Tarzan counters by reminding the girls that they owe them a chicken. Alicia tries to steal some embers from the fire while everyone else is talking, but Leif stops her.
Alicia tries another tactic. Will the guys give them fire if Monica takes her pants off. Whaaaaat? Did she seriously just offer to strip for fire? Oh wait, no, she tried to offer someone else’s stripping for fire WITHOUT EVEN ASKING THEM ABOUT IT FIRST.
Meanwhile, she’s the one showing her ass
Tarzan and Douchezan might consider that offer, if there’s a pole involved. And they get naked. Yeah, they’re not that desperate. Yet. Shit, maybe if they spent as much energy trying to make their own fire as they do flapping their gums with the guys about sharing theirs they’d HAVE IT ALREADY!!!
But why do that when you can keep harping at the guys to give it to ya? After dark, Kat and Kim take a turn. They don’t even get close to the fire before Michael (banker and truck supply thief) stops them. He asks who they think is in charge over in the men’s camp, and they tell him Tarzan.
Michael can’t believe they would think that Tarzan is in charge. They don’t really; they’re just fucking with him a bit. Kim says they know it’s him, Matt, and Bill. Of course Michael likes that answer better. He also likes that the guys have fire and the girls don’t. Shot down again.
Still later, all the guys are sleeping and Monica and Christina sneak into the men’s camp to try and steal an ember from their fire. UGH!!! Someone just give them the fucking thing so we can move on already!!!
The guys aren’t total idiots; it looks like they’ve slept surrounding the fire, but the girls still manage to get away with an ember to use. In the end it doesn’t matter because even though they start a fire with the stolen ember, they are unable to keep that fire going. JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER!!!
To paraphrase the words of BellicoseBaby…..How the fuck do you go on Survivor and not know how to start a fire??!? I mean, SHIT. It’s the TWENTY FOURTH FUCKING SEASON; there are a few things everyone should know they’ll need to be able to do by now. One of them is START A FUCKING FIRE!!!! Next thing ya know someone will tell us all about how they don’t know how to swim. Or they’re allergic to rice or some other such crap.
Now Kat makes an attempt at starting a fire.
Either that or she’s made a Survivor Style vibrator
She’s having no luck. Christina knows how important fire is. She knows that some of her tribemates are not interested in making a deal with the guys, but she thinks it’s not so much about pride; it’s about survival.
So she decides to take things into her own hands and negotiate for fire with the guys. Jonas tells her that if the girls weave forty fronds for them, they will give them fire. Christina says that’s too many, so the guys counter with twenty. Christina agrees. Alicia arrives at the end of the deal making and is PISSED; she doesn’t trust Christina’s motives.
If you’re not offering someone’s else’s stripping, your motives are SUSPECT
So now Alicia wants Christina gone first. Makes sense to me!
Meanwhile, Sabrina partakes in a little idol hunting while walking back from her bath. They seem to be hidden just as well as they’ve been in previous season, because she finds on almost immediately. Sadly for her though, the idol is designated for one of the guys; she must give it to one of them before tribal council. That sucks.
She says Colton is an obvious choice for the idol. Wrong! I think that’s a stupid choice. She should try to get one of the other guys on her side and form a secret alliance. She could suggest to them that Colton would be good to keep around, but in the end giving Colton the idol isn’t really going to gain her anything.
Immunity challenge time!
After the obligatory hellos with Jeff, he explains the challenge. Each tribe member will jump from a 20 foot tower into a net. After that, they will race across a giant balance beam and make their way over a long rope bridge. Once all tribe members are across, they raise their flag and win immunity. They’ll also win flint, so the girls REALLY want to come away with the big V here.
As they start the challenge, Jeff tells them that they need to be sure to keep their arms to their chests and land on their backs as they jump from the tower to the net. Listening proves to be a challenging skill for the ladies as Nina lands directly on her face.
All of a sudden I feel like I’m watching Wipeout!
Kourtney takes it to another level and lands on her hand, hurting her wrist in the process. She joins her tribe on the mat and the challenge continues. But the guys pull ahead quickly as Kourtney seems to be nursing her hand a lot and is having difficulty climbing the ladder to the balance beam. Once up there, she sits down and a few minutes later she says she’s feeling dizzy. Jeff stops the challenge and calls for medical to look at her. Dr. Ramona
No, no, not THAT Ramona….. DOCTOR Ramona
I have no time for turtles
She takes a look at Kourtney and says it could be sprained or it could be broken; she’s gonna need an x-ray to know for sure, and then she’s either gonna be in or she’s gonna be ouwt. They take Kourtney away and Jeff gives the tribes an option for the challenge. It was designed with an equal number in mind, so it’s now over since Kourtney had to leave. Technically Manono has won since they were ahead when the challenge was cancelled.
Jeff gives them an opportunity to give a gesture of good faith and continue the challenge. Or they can call it here and the guys will get immunity and the girls will go to tribal council. The men huddle up for a quick discussion, and decide on taking the win.
The girls are not happy. Christina asks them don’t they want to finish and compete and do it the right way?
Douchezan reminds them that this is a game and there will be plenty of other challenges for them to prove themselves and try to win. Chelsea thinks the guys don’t give a crap about them at all; it’s a no mercy game. Oh, can it! I think it’s ridiculous that they’re acting like such babies about the guys taking the win. As if they wouldn’t have done the SAME EXACT THING if the shoe had been on the opposite foot.
Later at camp, Matt goes to the women’s camp and apologizes for having to take the win that way. Kim’s not happy because the guys weren’t chivalrous, and I still don’t understand why she thought they should be IN A COMPETITION!!! Also…..since when are chivalry and giving up the win synonymous?
Meanwhile Sabrina has some hidden immunity idol business to attend to; she’s got to give that idol to someone. She tells Colton that she has it, but it can only be used by a guy
Give it to me or I will strangle you then steal this scarf! It’s so fetch!
She gives him the idol. He really needs to make sure no one knows he has it – going to one of the alliance of four and pitching himself as their fifth would be a good idea. Sabrina tells him he should make a big play to earn everyone’s respect. He tells her that the guys are only keeping him around to be a spy. SO USE THAT! She tells him that she wants him to stick around because it will be no fun without him.
Colton tells us that Matt thinks he’s a puppet, but he’s in for a huge surprise if everything goes the way Colton wants it to. He’s gonna target him for the next vote. We’ll see how that plays out, although I wouldn’t mind seeing Matt getting blindsided; he’s such an arrogant jackass.
Salami needs to decide who should go home tonight. Sabrina’s worried about how well Kourtney will be able to perform, even if she DOES come back. She’s not the only one worried, but they think it’s hard to make a final decision without even knowing what’s going on with her.
Sabrina’s hoping that Kourtney won’t come back to the game since that will make everyone’s decision easy. Alicia would rather have Kourtney and her bum wrist that Christina; she wants that bitch gone for getting them fire.
Salami arrives at tribal council and they do the tradition dipping of the torches into the flames. Fire’s your life, blah blah blah. Jeff asks Alicia how it felt to find out they were living in the same camp as the guys.
It would be better if my boobs worked on them.
She’s glad the guys decided to set up their camp away from the girls so she could more easily bond with the women away from the distraction of guys. Christina rolls her eyes. Jeff lets that go and asks how they got fire without having flint. He’s a sneaky bastard, isn’t he?
Christina explains the deal she made with the guys and predictably Alicia jumps right in talking about what a shady deal it was and how Christina is trying to get in good with the guys. Christina disagrees. Alicia says shady 4,239 times. Jeff looks on in disbelief.
Chelsea says that people are less concerned with coming together as a tribe and more concerned about their individual game. She explains, “It’s women. It’s like we can’t all agree on everything and that’s just part of it.”
Plus Alicia is on the rag and you know how that can be……
Who told you that?!?
Jeff wants to know who the fuck is in charge, but Monica admits that they have no leader. Jeff no likey. He tells them they better pull it together or they’ll be spending a lot of time with him at tribal council.
And I will do my happy sausage-fest dance!
He finally breaks the Kourtney news to them: her wrist is indeed broken, so she’s not able to continue. So, lucky for them, no one has to get voted out tonight. He tosses them a flint and sends them on their way. He tells them it’s only day three, so they have plenty of time to turn this around. Bad news? There are thirty six days left and if they don’t straighten out their shit they’ll go down one by one by one.
In her final scene Kourtney tells us what happened wasn’t really her fault, but it kinda was. She thinks if her arm had been out a little further she wouldn’t have gotten hurt as badly. Know what else would have worked? LISTENING TO DIRECTIONS!!
That’s just silly
And there you have it, Gasmi. What did you think of this season’s opener? Are you onboard with the men vs. women thing? What about them all living together? How happy will Jeff be if the girls all go quickly? Has anyone else heard of the chicken torture method of fire starting?
As always, I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! So I’ll sign off and let you get to it. See ya soon!!
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