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I knew this week was gonna gross me out, Gasmi. But honestly? I’d much rather be grossed out by food than by never-ending time spent with Hantzypantsy. So really, this week felt like a win!
We start out the show with Stacy’s arrival on Redemption Island. She wakes up Christine who is happy to see her, but not so happy she got voted out. Make up your mind Christine!
I’m glad because I think I can kick my friend’s ass in the challenge tomorrow.
Stacy brings Christine up to date on the tribe happenings, telling her that they are all snakes and Coach is the one running things. Is that supposed to be a big revelation? I thought it was pretty out in the open over at Loopholo. Stacy says they were all pretending like everything was hunkadury at tribal, but it’s all lies straight from hell.
I have got to find a way to work some of these Stacyisms into everyday conversations. She is fucking priceless. Stacy continues on her rampage, saying that Coach acts like he is holier than thou but he’s nothing but a joke. She tells Christine she is gonna air ALL the dirty Loopholu laundry, tell all the really truth about Coach at the Redemption challenge.
After the credits (super short again which I’ve now decided is not a portent of awesome things happening but instead a necessity because of Redemption Island bloat) and a quick break, we join Loopholu where Hantzypantsy is crying AGAIN.
Tear Jerk. Errrrrrrr.
Poor little Hantzypantsy is upset because Mikayla said the most annoying thing about him is the fact that he’s a Hantz. He’s a real person, y’all! It’s so prejudiced to dislike him just because of his name!! He thinks the way she handled it shows that she had very little class at that time. HA!!!!!!! Because CLEARLY His Hantzness is someone that should be educating ALL of us about not being judgmental.
I’m no Jezebel
He’s a good person, Gasmi; he has feelings and he doesn’t care what people think about him. Except for that he really does care. A lot.
He reads their treemail and it’s the standard “pick two people to watch” note. Coach is worried about Stacy and Christine flapping their gums. He doesn’t want the other tribe to get any intel from them; that’s what he’s most afraid of today. Well, get ready to face those fears once again Coach!
Albert and Mikayla, and Dawn and Whitney settle in to watch the duel and then Jeff calls in Christine and Stacy. Obviously he’s been clued in to Stacy’s plan so he asks how she feels seeing Mikayla and Albert so soon after they voted her out.
If only I could perform a live embalming.
She says they are liars and warns Dawn and Whitney that they need to watch out for them. But she is not done yet. She says it is Benjamin, Albert and Sophie. Benjamin is running things and Albert is his right hand man.
Benjamin? Who is this Benjamin you speak of?
When Jeff asks does she mean Coach, Stacy says she means Benjamin; she ain’t calling him Coach no how, no way. Benjamin is the name his momma gave him and that’s the names adults should call him. Christine joins in saying Benjamin makes the decisions.
Stacy then says they’re all kids over on that tribe, they’re twenty six, twenty two, and they’re over there listening to all of Coach’s Halloween jokes, Chucky the Cheese jokes……..huh? What the fuck is she talking about?!?!?
What does a ghost eat for breakfast?
BOOberry pancakes. Get it???
Oh that Coach and his Halloween jokes.
Stacy has lost me and has me rolling on the floor as well. She ends her diatribe with a little “Boop” while Albert mumbles about sour grapes.
WTF? He’s wearing a fucking sweater?!? Unacceptable.
Now that Jeff has gotten in a few giggles for the day, he’s ready to explain today’s duel to them. It will all come down to how well they handle balls. A ball will be dropped into the chute where it will then spiral downward until they catch it in their hand. Every few minutes a new ball will be added with the balls alternating left and right until one of them drops a ball. That person will be out.
Stacy and Christine have no trouble handling the first ball, and the second ball doesn’t seem to shake them up too much either. The third ball is a tricky one and Christine bobbles her balls a bit before saving them and herself. Ultimately Stacy’s lack of ball spacing proves to be her downfall as one of her balls falls to the ground, eliminating her from the game.
Jeff asks what this challenge meant to her. She tells him she challenged herself; she’s a diva in real life. Hell! She’s a mortician! This is something she never would have done. In spite of everything she had fun and is proud of herself.
Bye Stacy! I will miss your crazy ass sayings!
Albert may be happy to see her go but he is NOT happy about everything she said and he thinks Coach is going to be even more pissed than he is. Yup, probably.
Back at camp, Albert gets to break the bean spilling news to the rest of the tribe. Coach isn’t happy about the outing of his alliance with Albert and Sophie and is PISSED that they were calling him Benjamin. Shit! Even his parents call him Coach for cryin out loud!
Only those ass eating pygmies had the nerve to call me Benjamin!
He promises to go apeshit on anyone that calls him Benjamin so now I’m totally hoping that someone does it. He tells us this has just ruined his day. It sucks. He wonders of his day could get any worse. Oh Lord, looks like crybabyitis is spreading like wildfire over at Loopholu.
Have you been wondering what Savaii is up to? Well, Ozzy and Elyse are still working on their little showmance, hanging out together in the shelter. Elyse is feeling really good about things because she has figured out now that she’s latched on to Ozzy that she is sitting pretty AND doesn’t have to really do anything. She tells us she’s just following Ozzy’s lead, she thinks he can take her far in this game.
If I jiggle his balls every now and then he may take me all the way to final two!
CockRing carries a large pile of wood into camp while Ozzy and Elyse compliment him on his work as condescendingly as they possibly can, comparing him to the little engine that could. Ozzy then quizzes him about how to spell his name and CockRing tells him to banish the thought: he doesn’t want his name anywhere on Ozzy’s lips.
I’m saving myself for Probst.
CockRing tells us he’s working his ass off around camp. He may not be a big provider like Ozzy, but he IS working hard. Seeing Ozzy and Elyse lay around camp all fucking day is really annoying him. Right now he is finding everything about them to be irritating.
Dawn and Whitney get back from Redemption Island and are itching to share the scoop they learned. They tell everyone about Stacy being voted out and that she told them how Coach is in charge and Albert is his lieutenant and Sophie as the third. Ozzy tells them that he thinks if Coach is smart, that he’ll get rid of Albert soon, before the merge.
Why does this food I’m eating taste like foot?
Jim wonders why Coach would want to get rid of one of his allies. Because he’s strong, Ozzy tells them. Jim may be a lot of things, but I don’t think idiot is one of them. He latches on to what Ozzy has said and tells us that he’s pretty sure if Ozzy thinks that Coach should get rid of the strong member of his alliance before the merge, that he might be thinking about doing the same thing to him or Keith. He’s going to file that nugget away and use it to stir up some fear in Keith and possibly get him to vote for Elyse.
I ain’t going down without a fight!
Ozzy tells his tribemates that they just need to focus and stay humble and unified. Silent, Ozzy. You should also stay silent. What a dope.
We head back over to Loopholu where Albert has realized that Stacy’s loose lips could sink HIS ship if he’s not careful. He has decided to focus on finding the immunity idol. In his underwear.
I hope it takes him HOURS
Let me just take a moment for reflection here. What? I just need a little rest. It has NOTHING to do with the picture. REALLY.
He finds the clue! And then he is off to search for the idol itself after spontaneously changing from his underwear into a bathing suit. Hrmph. At least he’s still shirtless.
After climbing a bunch of trees, Albert is starting to get frustrated and flustered. He decides to get a little help and goes off to find Coach and Sophie, hoping to also win some trust points for sharing the clue with them.
Coach tells us that if you want a job done right you do it yourself, and he sets off to find the idol. He searches from tree to tree with no luck so he decides to take a prayer break.
Either that, or he needs to take a dump.
God or empty bowels, whatever it was works because shortly after his prayer dump, Coach finds the idol. He tells Sophie and Albert about his success and he is practically beaming, he is so happy. He tells us this is the most exciting moment in the sixty seven days he’s played in this game so far. He admits he’s not running the show, but at the moment? He thinks he’s coming pretty close.
I will now talk about myself in the third person while patting myself on the back and jerking myself off.
You know, Coach is a pain in the ass at the best of times, but a full of himself and his awesomeness Coach is insufferable. Shit. The clue all but said it was in a tree! It’s not like you had to be a mensa candidate to find it.
What exactly are you trying to say?
Oh Albert. You’re so cute.
Back at Savaii, CockRing has decided to join Ozzy on a fishing trip. He admits he doesn’t have any outdoorsy skills, but he wants to step up. He’s hoping that it will be a bonding experience and help change the opinion of him that his tribemates have. He really wants to fit in as one of the guys.
Someday you will be posting a picture of ME in my underwear!
While Ozzy fishes he tells us that he may make fishing look easy to those of us at home, but it’s really super hard and takes a lot out of him. He tells us it’s like underwater yoga. I guess alignment is much more important than I realized!
Of course, he doesn’t mind being viewed as the provider of his tribe. He tells us that he thinks it puts him in a stronger position than anyone else and he really feels like they are becoming HIS tribe. That seems like it could be the case as he is greeted by his tribe with cheers for all the fish he has caught.
CockRing is not an adoring fan. He’s grateful for the fish, but he thinks Ozzy is getting more credit than he deserves. He remembers watching Ozzy on his previous seasons and being impressed by his Mowgliesque-ness. Funny. I don’t recall Ozzy having a talking bear or panther as his sidekicks last time around.
CockRing thinks that Ozzy has faded into a sort of middle aged Ozzy. He has a few moments of glory each day when he runs around and gets some fish. Other than that, he’s a bit of a lazy ass. “He’s becoming the arrogant fisher boy, jungle boy who feels like he can do no wrong and he’s entitled to our deference.” Tell us how you really feel, CockRing!
I am SICK of seeing this…….
I have to say, I don’t remember Ozzy sleeping this much the last two times he played, do you Gasmi?
It’s time for the combo challenge! That’s right; we’ve got yet another combo immunity/reward challenge. Have I mentioned lately that I hate these? UGH. I miss separate challenges.
Enough of my futile complaining. Time to get to the challenge.
Vegans may want to leave the room
After getting the immunity idol back from Dawn, Jeff is ready to explain the challenge to them. Each tribe has a roast pig. (Evilly I was sad to see that the head wasn’t left on). They will all have their hands tied behind their backs, and they will have to bite off hunks of the meat and spit it into their team basket. The tribe with the most meat in their basket after ten minutes will win.
In addition to immunity, they will win the reward of veggies, bread, and spices, and another clue to the hidden immunity idol. Jeff’s gotta make them say it’s worth playing for before he starts the challenge, so they humor him and give him the affirmation that he so desperately needs.
This is my c’est la vie pose. Worth the eight hours of practice? Hello? Is it worth it?!?!?
I have to include this picture because Hantzypantsy looks so goofy in it.
The challenge starts and both tribes are really going at it, biting chunks off their pigs and soon their faces are slathered with sauce. (Evil thought number two: I wish they had slathered the pigs with hot sauce). What follows next is shot after gross shot of pig chunks flying out of everyone’s mouths, along with copious amounts of spit (and in some cases what looks like phlegm and possibly a little puke).
I’m not gonna lie, Gasmi; there were a couple of times watching this that I dry heaved a little. The food stuff is always what gets to me.
SO NASTY. Keith gets held up when a piece of meat gets stuck in his teeth. He can’t get it out since his hands are tied behind his back, so Dawn helps out by picking the stuck meat chunk out of his mouth with her teeth. EWWWWWW. Jeff admires their teamwork.
Before long, Coach is biting meat out of Edna’s mouth, Rick is getting all up in Hantzy’s grill, and Mikayla is biting up meat right off the ground. Jeff’s comment that the challenge is disgusting is an understatement. I don’t know how he not only watched but maintained a running commentary throughout that.
As Jeff calls time, Ozzy has picked up the entire remaining pig in his teeth. He totally plans on carrying that over to the basket, but Jeff tells him to drop it.
You gotta give him an A for effort
Jeff weighs the meat. Savaii is first, and has harvested 22 pounds, 12 ounces of meat into their basket. Impressive. Loopholu’s meat is weighed next and they have 22 pounds, 14 ounces. Wait, what?!? Holy crap, Gasmi! That’s super close! So Loopholu wins the challenge by a margin of 2 ounces.
Ozzy is a great sport, repeating “No fucking way” over and over and over.
This is YOUR fault, Probst!
Jeff tells Loopholu that they not only win the veggies, bread, and spices. They also get to take back all their chewed and spit out meat!! Double Ewwwwwwwwww. You know those fuckers are gonna eat that half chewed meat! SO FUCKING GROSS. “Spit and all!” cheers Coach. Blarf.
Savaii is left with nothing but the taste of bitterness, defeat, and their tribemates in their mouths. I bet that had that ash toothpaste from Semhar now!
Once back at Loopholu, Hantzypantsy takes on the cooking duties as he comes from a long line of Cajuns. As much as I think he’s an ass, he does make it look pretty good, and everyone chows down on their spit marinated pork fest. Hanzty tells us today was more positive energy and he believes they’re a team and a family.
Until Mikayla flaunts herself again. Then we’ll stone her.
At Savaii, they are reflecting on the challenge with disgust. Elyse thinks they’re all going to get pig gut break outs, while CockRing adds that they could have all contracted oral herpes. No one finds him amusing, so he asks if anyone wants him to open a coconut. Well, it’s an established fact that freshly opened coconut is a surefire cure for oral herpes. Or is that gential herpes?
Here, try rubbing this on your vag.
So helpful, that CockRing. That has not gone unnoticed by Ozzy, but he tells us it’s too little too late. Ozzy confirms with his other tribemates that it’s going to be CockRing, but Dawn tells us that she is ready to break up Ozzy and Elyse. Once CockRing confirms that she is going to vote for Elyse, he runs over to Jim to break the good news.
Jim can do math, so he knows they need one more vote to get Elyse out. Activate Operation Get in Keith’s Head. Jim reminds Keith about Ozzy’s comment that Coach should get rid of Albert, and says if they take Elyse away from him, he won’t be able to make any moves without them.
And by “Us”, I mean ME.
Keith’s not thrilled that they won’t be telling Ozzy because he has such a strong bond with him. He’s worried that Ozzy won’t trust him later. He discusses the situation with Whitney and she says they’re trying to figure out a way to weasel around this and still keep their alliance strong. She’s wishing they could vote for someone other than Elyse and just let the other three vote out Elyse. Either way, then she’s going and they had a hand in it; there’s no way to keep their hands clean in this one.
Jim gives CockRing the good news and he is SO HAPPY. He knows Ozzy is not going to be happy about Elyse going, but he doesn’t much care.
Time for tribal council!
Jeff starts by asking Ozzy to impart some wisdom on where they are at right now. Ozzy says that at this point it’s too early to think about the merge and they are concentrating on keeping the tribe as strong as possible.
Jeff wonders how Elyse would describe a strong tribe member. Well, she wouldn’t just use physical strength to define it (DUH), but also would consider contribution to camp life, and social skills and graces.
That is INCORRECT
We all know Jeff wanted to yell that out at that moment. To him the physical strength has ALWAYS been the most important. He wonders how CockRing feels about Elyse’s definition of strength. CockRing takes a loooooooooong time answering, but yeah, he’s a bit worried.
He does make sure to point out that it was really close and they all put in their best effort in this challenge. Jim says this is the least of the finger pointing challenges, and in fact, they all have some sort of injury related to the challenge.
Jeff polls the tribe, seeing who has what injury, and it seems like most of them consist of scraped gums and lips. Dawn has a chipped tooth, and not to be outdone, Ozzy may have slightly dislocated his jaw. Um, sure. Okay.
CockRing is shockingly the most descriptive of the bunch, and Jeff gets his “here we go again” face on, and asks how annoying it is to the rest of the tribe. Dawn thinks he’s a bit of a character, but also endearing. She does point out that not everyone appreciated his herpes humor, but he’s teaching her to be more tolerant.
Keith is not amused. He thinks it’s gross and he doesn’t want any sort of disease from someone else’s mouth. He concedes that the intention may have been to make everyone laugh, but he only succeeded in grossing everyone out.
Of course CockRing does not feel good about these comments, and says these comments hurt and he’ll probably obsess about them later, if there is one. Elyse can really feel for him and says they’ve all been in that position, everyone has been picked last for soccer at some point.
CockRing doesn’t play soccer. He says everything aside, he may have some quirks that people find annoying, but he thinks that people DO take to him. And with that, it’s time to vote. We see Jim vote for Elyse, Ozzy for CockRing (or Coch-Train, as he likes to call him), and the rest are left a mystery.
When Jeff reads the votes we get CockRing, Elyse, CockRing, Elyse, Dawn (WTF?!?!), and Dawn. So Keith and Whitney pussied out on the Elyse vote. So we’re down to a three way tie. The person going home tonight is…….
Looks like the blow job shoppe is closed
Ozzy looks PISSED. I love it! Hey, you gotta love a good blindside!
Elyse admits she didn’t see it coming. The circle of trust is broken! FOREVER.
Next time, Coach sees Russell when he looks at Hantzy, Ozzy has a temper tantrum and declares himself a free agent, and Savaii struggles with a wheelbarrow of coconuts while Albert runs around shirtless. Fun!
What did you think of this week’s episode, Gasmi? Were you cracking up at Stacy and Christine calling Coach “Benjamin”? What about his reaction to his NAME? Would you eat spit covered pork? And did you enjoy the blindside as much as I did? Can’t wait to hear what you guys think!!!