Survivor Recap: Honor to Us All

Oh, Gasmi…..I know I got some splaining to do.  So first of all, my apologies for the extreme tardiness of this recap.  I’m not happy about it, you’re probably not happy about it.  The tardiness was unexpected and unfortunately, unavoidable.   Let me offer a brief explanation.  In a nutshell, here’s what happened…

Let’s just say it has not been pretty here in the PottyMouth household.  So, is all forgiven?  Pwease?  Oh, don’t be that way.  Fine.  Whether it is or tisn’t, we’ve got this finale and reunion to get through, so let’s join in an octagon, hold hands, and give these jackasses the ass whooping they deserve!

Amen, muther fuckers.

I’m skipping over the stupid montage, everyone talking over each other bullshit thingy because it gives me a headache just thinking about it.  Instead, let’s scoot over to Redemption Island for Hantzy’s arrival.

I’m so stupid honorable that I gave up the immunity necklace.  Wanna pray?

Nope

Hantzy says he fell on his sword for Albert and then was stabbed with another sword in the back.  Boo hoo hoo; that’s what ya get for giving away immunity ya dummy!  But don’t worry, Hantzy totally forgives Albert and hopes that he learned his lesson.  Huh?  What lesson is that?

Don’t look a gift immunity necklace in the mouth?

What a moron

I completely agree, Ozzy.  He tells us that Hantzy is playing the game like he’s playing with god and he’s not; he’s playing with human beings that are greedy and want that money.  I’d call him Captain Obvious, but clearly that fact was not obvious to everyone. (coughHantzycough)

Back at the camp Sophie can’t believe that Hantzy gave away his immunity necklace.  She also can’t believe that Albert didn’t give it back.  I’m less surprised by that move since he had to have known he was going to go if that thing came off his neck.  But Sophie’s point is more that Albert has now made himself look cowardly in front of the jury, and she is super happy about that.

Albert makes a comment about not knowing Hantzy was going home, and Benjamin loses it.  He says he is sick of people coming out here and trying to look like they are holier than thou.  He is not going to have it!

I am the only one holier than thou is.

He also yells at Albert that he is not going to be made a fool of out here; he’s been made a fool enough in his life.  He’s been made a fool out of so many times because of this game.  Ha!  I don’t know that he needs help from the game; I’m thinking the pygmy ass eating stories may have helped with that one and that was all you Benji.

Albert tells us that this has been a humbling day for him.  He thought he was in a great position, but now realizes that his alliance is not digging him so much right about now.  He’s got some fence mending to do.

Can you really be mad at this face?

Now that Benjamin has established his no fooling rule, let’s head over to Redemption Island.  Ozzy and Hantzy go to pick up their tree mail and are informed that this is the last duel; whoever wins will be back in the game, loser goes to the jury.  YAWN.

Ozzy tells us he’s been on Redemption Island for just about two weeks.  He’s been fishing like crazy, eating better than he has on any other season.  He has been preparing himself for this one duel.  Which is what would make it hilarious if he lost it.

You are a bitch!

I try, I try.  Hantzy tells Ozzy not to underestimate him and Ozzy says he never does because Hantzy is totally like one of the best competitors in this game dude.  Well, I guess we can say he’s worked on improving his social game while on Redemption.

Ugh.  Let’s just get to the duel already.  This time around it’s a good old endurance competition, specifically the one where they climb up a pole and see how long they can hang up there.  Yeah, this one’s not geared toward an Ozzy win at all.  Blfrfhph.

Once they’ve begun, Jeff tells them that this time around the footholds on the pole are narrower than they have ever been; only about a quarter of an inch.  So really not enough to get your toe into and grip like we’ve seen done before.

At forty minutes they both start shuffling and shifting around; Hantzy getting encouragement, Ozzy getting no love as usual.  In the end, Hantzy finally drops handing Ozzy his ticket back into the game.  But don’t you go feeling all bad for Hantzy because he seems pretty fucking elated for someone who is now DONE.  Even Jeff notices this.

Praise be!

What the fuck are you smiling about?

Jesus loves me this I know, ‘cause the voices tell me so

Hantzy tells Jeff he may have lost the game of Survivor, but he’s won.  You see, originally he came here to win a million dollars, but about seven days in he had a heart to heart with god.  He holds no bitterness towards nobody and he’s gonna hold his head up proud.  Ahhhh Hantzy, nice to see you have a firm grasp on that delusion of yours.

It must be noted that while he’s blathering on, Sophie is inspecting her nails, barely containing the yawn you just know she wants to let out.  Benjamin is sitting listening with a guilty look on his face.  Such an actor, that one.

Once Hantzy is sent off to the jury, Jeff turns to Ozzy, tears in his eyes and welcomes him back into the game.

sighMYHEROsigh

I think I’ve made it clear throughout this season just how much I hate Redemption Island, right?  You do already know what a crock of shit I think this is, correct?  UGH.  So basically all they have to do is set up a couple of challenges that Ozzy should do well in and the dude will win the game.  We all know that if he makes it to the final tribal council the dude is walking away with the title and given his challenge monster status, it seems likely that this is going to happen.  I HATE REDEMPTION ISLAND SO FUCKING MUCH.

Deep Breaths.

Ozzy heads back to camp with the others and even though I’m annoyed at the whole redemption bit (grrrrr), it is pretty damn funny to see them try to deal with his return.  Hilariously, the awkward moments keep on coming as Benjamin and Ozzy get together for a little session of lying through their teeth at each other.

I’ll totally take you to the finals

Me too!  We’re totally BFFs forevah!

Benjamin tells Ozzy he is totally safe and that if he wins the next immunity challenge he is going to give Ozzy either the immunity necklace or the hidden immunity idol if he thinks Ozzy is in for it.  Yeah right.  Ozzy is not fooled one bit by Benjamin’s lies, saying he doesn’t think anyone in their right mind would to take him to the end after his sweep at Redemption and coming back into the game.

Don’t shit on my face and tell me it’s raining, man.

He knows he has to win in order to stay.

Meanwhile, Benji tells us that he is in an awesome position right now because everyone wants to go to the final tribal council with him.  He thinks the game is his to lose.  Ha!  I hope that means his ass gets voted out next.  I love it when that shit happens.

Time for the immunity challenge.

This time around they have to build a house of cards.  But wait!  There’s more.  They have to build this house of “cards” while balancing them on a platform kept in place by a sort of pulley system.  One wrong move and that house will come crashing down.  First person to reach their marker wins.

Sophie is super confident because she builds card houses all the time.  In fact, she even has a book on how to build the best house of cards.  Y’all, Sophie has no fucking life.  Also?  Who the hell reads a book on how to build card houses?  AND who the hell writes one?  Shit.

Poor Sophie, all that reading is for nothing because her book doesn’t deal with the fact that there are a limited number of cards provided for this particular house.  That’s right, there’s a tight budget on cards this season.  So Sophie AND Ozzy have to disassemble what they’ve already built because they have reached their card capacity.

This card housing crisis is a real bitch

This rebuild sends Sophie into a bit of a panic and she starts yelling at Albert to drop what he’s doing to come and pick up her cards that she’s dropped on the ground.  Albert doesn’t wanna; he thinks he’s making some good progress on his own, but she continues yelling at him to get his ass over there and pick up her cards.

Albert!  Just drop your fucking slacks!  I mean stack!

I second the first of those commands!  What?

Drop ‘em!  Drop ‘em!

 

Before Sophie can go into full on Screecher mode, Jeff steps in telling them that they cannot help each other.  “If you want Ozzy out of this game, beat him.”  Ha!  That Jeff, always the impartial one, isn’t he?

Poor Sophie, unable to berate Albert into helping her watches as Ozzy places his last card, winning immunity.  Again.

Oh come here you!

Ozzy is a super gracious winner, talking over and over about how he won immunity while everyone else wishes they could make him blow up with their brains.  But he quickly becomes bored with singing his own praises and so he moves onto some real fun: stirring up some paranoia porridge.  He tells us he has been WAITING for these guys to start eating each other up and he cannot wait to pit each and every one of them against each other.  He is totally gonna look like the good guy.

Benji thinks having to vote out one of their own is going to be gut wrenching, but as long as it’s not him, I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.  He and Albert get together for a talk and agree that it should be Rick tonight sine he is so likeable and hasn’t really pissed a lot of people off in the jury.

Later Ozzy approaches Albert about voting Sophie off because he thinks she is a giant brat and pretentious.  Now Albert isn’t sure what he’s going to do since there are good reasons for voting for both Sophie and Rick.  I want to know how Benjamin’s name is NEVER FUCKING MENTIONED AT ALL as a possibility.  Unfuckingreal.

Rick gets in on the game and goes to talk to Benji about voting Sophie out.  Benjamin says he would vote for Sophie but doesn’t commit to anything.  On the beach, Albert tells Ozzy he is voting for Rick, so Ozzy tells him about Benjamin promising him final three, saying now is the time to get rid of Sophie or Albert himself will be next.

Of course Albert goes right back to Benjamin, telling him what Ozzy said about the final three promise.  Benji is a sneaky little bastard, neither confirming nor denying what Ozzy said and instead saying he cannot wait to vote his ass outta there.

Is it just me or is there more strategizing in the last five minutes than there has been the entire season?  Damn!

Time for tribal council.

As the jury enters it is immediately clear that they are happy to see Ozzy with the immunity necklace around his neck.  Ozzy says right off that he knew if he didn’t win immunity he would be going home tonight.  Jeff then confirms that Benjamin has the hidden immunity idol and reminds him that tonight is the last night to play it.  He knows.  He says he would be foolish not to play it to guarantee final four.

So Jeff points out that it’s really down to Albert, Rick and Sophie tonight.  Albert and Sophie both think they should stick around since they have a chance at beating Ozzy in a challenge.  Rick thinks he should stay around because he WON’T beat Ozzy in a challenge.  Yeah, that argument would work Rick if they wanted Ozzy to stick around.  Dope.  Sophie agrees saying it’s all about getting rid of Ozzy and if Rick can’t help with that, he needs to get the fuck out.

Benjamin explains that they want to get rid of Ozzy so badly because they still feel like a family and he’s the dirty cousin that no one invites to any of their parties.  He takes that family thing as very special (his words, not mine).

Funny, that’s not what you said when we talked.

Oh snap!  Ozzy totally calls him out on the final three promise he made.  Sophie jumps in saying it’s not really the loyalty issue that makes her want to get Ozzy out of the game; he hasn’t really respected her since day one.  Well, Ozzy counters, that’s because she acts like a spoiled brat and everyone thinks so and has said so as they’ve passed through Redemption Island, so suck it!

I calls em like I sees em.

He tells her that just for the record, he actually used to like her until he found out she was calling him an arrogant asshole all the time.  Well, she’s not the only one to think that.  Well, she got bent out of shape because he was talking about her without knowing her, this is the same thing; she doesn’t know him either.

Jeff doesn’t get why she’s frustrated about Ozzy talking behind her back when it sounds like she did the same thing to him.  She thinks it was a very personal attack, just from Ozzy.  It’s hurtful to her to have been singled out as a brat.

It’s the wurst.

Jeff wonders if there are other situations in her life where she finds herself being confronted with people talking about her character.  No, this is unique for her.

As she tries to explain herself, Sophie starts to lose it here.  Like REALLY loses it to the point where she does that combination hiccup-can’t-catch-my-breath-thing that little kids do when they have been sobbing.  I don’t know about you guys, but I really felt for her here.  I think time and time again we see strong women misunderstood on reality shows (and in life) and categorized as arrogant or bitches, and Ozzy is doing the same thing here with her.

Jeff is so not into this breakdown and tries to label Sophie as weak because she is breaking down here.  But I think it’s not so bad a thing that she’s showing her vulnerability here.  For one, it’s obvious that she had no idea that people thought of her as bratty and it’s clear that she is not happy about this.  But for those of the jury that think she’s a cold fish, this offers them a softer view of her.

Jeff wants to know if she wants more time, or should he go to the vote?  Go to the vote, she tells him.  And so we do.  Jeff returns with the votes and it’s Rick, Sophie, Rick, Sophie……

And the silent cowboy moseys on outta there.

But not before he tells Benji to sits his ass back down when he tries to hug Rick as he leaves.  LOVE IT!  He also tells us Ozzy has his vote, confirming my belief in the Bitter Betty Syndrome.

A new day dawns and Ozzy is excited to be so close to the end; he wants this so bad.  He knows he has GOT to win this upcoming immunity challenge, so he goes off to gather some coconuts to boost his energy.  He has no plans to share.  Sophie is on the same wavelength as Ozzy and tells Benji not to share their plantains with Ozzy.  LOL!

Benjamin pulls Ozzy off for a chat because he’s really bothered by what went down at tribal council.  First he was mad, then he was sad; he feels like everything Ozzy has told him is a lie.  They had an agreement that Ozzy would not spill the beans, but spill them he did.

I am so over you.

Ozzy says he got screwed in this game by putting all his cards on one basket.  The worst thing is that he let himself care about that person which made it even worse when that person stabbed him in the back.  Everything changed for Benji in that instant, he tells us; his heart is breaking for Ozzy that he’s been hurt so much in the game.  Good lord.

Ozzy then tells Benjamin that he’d love it if Albert and Sophie had to make fire to see which one gets the final spot.  I think he’s getting a little ahead of himself here, but Benji tells him he really likes that idea.  I’m sure he likes the idea of Ozzy getting sent to the jury a hell of a lot more.

The one good thing about Redemption Island?  No time for the Ode to a Torch segment of the finale.  WOO HOO!! I don’t miss it a bit!

Time for the immunity challenge.  For this one they will race through a giant flower shaped obstacle course, collecting five bags of puzzle pieces one at a time.  Once they have all their bags they will use the pieces to complete a puzzle.  First one done wins immunity and is guaranteed a spot at the final tribal council.

Ready?  GO!

As I’m sure you can imagine, Ozzy races through the course easily and is ahead throughout the entire challenge.  Albert keeps getting in Sophie’s way, slowing her down and pissing her off.  Unsurprisingly, Ozzy starts on his puzzle first.  Benji is next to start working on his puzzle, followed by Sophie and then Albert.

Ozzy has a sizeable lead going into the puzzle, but is having some difficulty with it.  That allows Sophie to catch up and overtake him, and Sophie wins!

She celebrates by becoming the stuffing in an Albert and Benji sammich.

I bet she’s wishing it was an open faced sammich.

Ozzy knows he’s in for it now, but he’s not giving up.  He doesn’t know if he can count on Benjamin’s promise to take him to the end and I’m thinking it’s a no on that one as Benji is busy crowning Sophie the new dragonslayer as Ozzy talks to us.

Sophie is really proud that she’s the one that defeated Ozzy and thinks that is something she will really be able to hang her hat on at the final tribal council.  But she is a little worried that there will be a tied vote tonight; she really doesn’t know what Benji is going to do.

Ozzy pleads with him for a tie saying he really wants to go mano a mano with Albert for that final spot.  Of course Benjamin is a total drama queen about it, telling us it’s such an anguishing decision that he has to make; a decision that’s going to rip his heart out.

Mmmmmmm, we’ll fry it up with some of those bunghole rings

He is so fucking full of shit.  There is no way in hell he’s letting Ozzy anywhere near that final tribal council.  He KNOWS if he does he should just hand him the check himself.  I honestly don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling here.

Let’s just head over to tribal council; I’ve had enough of Benji’s bullshit.

Jeff first confirms that Sophie is psyched to have won the final immunity challenge of the season and then confirms that Ozzy is bummed that he didn’t win.  Hey, this is why they pay him the big bucks.

He turns his attention to Benjamin, asking if it’s tough to hear Ozzy talking about being so close and yet so far from the win.  Ozzy says he spent his afternoon trying to talk Benji into standing by his word about taking him to the finals.  In fact, he’s not even asking for that; he just wants Benjamin to tie it up so he has a shot.

I second that emotion.

Jeff points out that the consistent thing about Benjamin’s gameplay has been his yapping about wanting to take the best to the end and playing with honor.  Well, yeah, but Albert and Sophie are totally strong as well, he says.  Really the only thing that separates Ozzy from them is that he’s a returning player with a target on his back.   Albert tells Jeff straight up that he knows how to make a fire but knowing how to do that and beating Ozzy in a firebuilding contest are two totally different things.  He is just going to have to trust in Benjamin, that he is the coward person that he has seen him to be.

Time to vote.  Ozzy votes for Albert; Albert, Sophie and Benji vote for Ozzy.

Smell ya later!

Albert squeezes in a little tidbit for the prayer circle crowd.

Oy.  They head back to camp where they celebrate their victory over Ozzy.

Hooray!  My family is safe again!

The next morning, the final three get the traditional breakfast feast and we get to hear about how yummy it all is.  Yeah, thanks; I eat bacon all the time.  I know JUST how yummy it is.  Then it’s time to burn the camp to the ground and head out to the final tribal council.

Jeff blah blah blahs about what’s going to happen tonight and then turns it over to Albert for his opening statement.  Albert tells everyone it’s not a game about chess pieces, it’s a game about people.  He thinks a higher power really brought everyone that’s sitting here together and he looks forward to answer all their questions.

If it helps, I could take my shirt off

Yes please!

Sophie is next and she’s just gonna cut to the chase.  It’s about outwitting, outlasting and outplaying.  When it came to outplaying she feels like she held her own, pointing out that she not only helped in group challenges but also won three individual immunity challenges.  When it comes to outwitting, she feels like there are two parts to it:  one was the strategic part which she feels like she did well.  The other part is the social game which she thought she did well at until the last tribal council when she realized she may not have done as well as she thought she did.

Benjamin talks about how awesome Ozzy is and how he is a bit of a character.  He says he had an uphill battle coming in here and the first time he played he played with arrogance.  This time around he feels like he led with compassion, love, appreciation, and respect.  He is truly blessed to have gotten a piece of each and every one of them through this game.

Time to move on to the jury questions.  Ozzy is up first.  He tells them that the good news is that the game is still undecided.  The bad news is that no one wants to vote for any of them.

I will be doing a fire dance later to help me decide what to do

He still thinks Sophie is a spoiled brat and tells Albert he is just someone who happened to be at the right place at the right time.  He gives Benji credit for getting to the end and he’s giving him a chance to win or lose the game right now, but that depends on whether or not he can admit that his whole philosophy for the game is a giant crock of shit.

Ya got me.

Jim is next and he wants Albert to tell him why Benji and Sophie don’t deserve to win and no matter what, he is NOT to start his answer with a compliment.  If he does, he will lose Jim’s vote.  Albert tells Jim he just loves this question.

And…….buh bye vote

Albert answers, but it really doesn’t matter since everyone but him knows that he blew it already with his compliment to Jim.

Dawn wants to know from Sophie why she aligned herself with Albert and Benji from the very beginning.  She says she was wishing she could play like a guy; they always seem to be able to round up a couple of young girls that will stay loyal to them until the end.  When she saw Benji, he was the equivalent of that young girl to her.

Did she just call me a girl?!?!?

Bwahahahaahaa!  Sophie, I love you!

As for Albert, she admired his strategy in the beginning but was ready to vote him out by the end.

Rick’s next and he’s bitter.  He says they know how he feels about liars.  Um….okay?  Didn’t you lie too, Rick?  I hate when the jury gets all high and mighty like they never lied to anyone or stabbed anyone in the back.  Shut up, Rick.

Then it’s Hantzy’s turn.  He wants to know why Benji was a big fat liar after e said he’s never vote for Hantzy.  Benji tries flattery and says he just knew Hantzy would win if he made it to the final.

And….forgiven for the 4,578^th time

Hantzy then turns his attention to Albert, asking if he knew when he gave him the immunity necklace, that meant that Hantzy was going home.  Albert tries to skip around on the answer, but Hantzy is not having it.  He keeps barking at him, “Yes or no?  Yes or no?”  Albert wants to explain.  NOPE.  Albert says he did not know and Hantzy says that’s all he needs to know: Albert is a liar.  Dayum.  So much for being in a good position to win, huh Albert?

Time for Whitney.  She tells Albert that he is sleazy and thinks it’s horseshit that Benji used Christianity as a way to control his tribe.  As for Sophie, she is the most condescending person that Whitney has ever met.  Sophie says she thought it was a strength but thinks now it is a weakness.  Ya gotta give it to her, Sophie is handling these guys like a pro!

Edna has no questions.  Instead, she tells the jury that the whole point of the game is duping people.  They all signed up for it and the final three did it the most successfully.  Kudos to them for that.

Keith wants to know if Benjamin would have played his hidden immunity idol for the tribe if they had needed it, or was it really just all for him.  He says he would have used it for the betterment of the tribe if he had needed to.  Sophie is awesome once again and uses this opportunity to reveal the true story of how the idol was found and how Benji staged the prayer circle asking for god’s help in finding it for Hantzy’s benefit.

Mind=blown

CockRing says he is so sick of the word honor; Benji uses the word so much, it has lost all meaning.  He offers Benji a chance to redeem himself by explaining his strategy in the game.  Without talking about honor.  Benjamin says he came into the game wanting to do all the right things and when you try to please everybody you end up doing all the wrong things.

Sophie says that it was probably her fault because she was Benji’s strategist.  Nu uh, it was totally me!  Albert chimes in.  Oh Albert.  It’s so sad what has happened to you here.

Time to vote.  We see CockRing vote for Benjamin, getting in one last ass licking before the season’s end.  Dawn votes for Sophie saying she thinks she’s going to have a million reasons to smile.  And that’s all we see.

Jeff goes to get the votes, walks out of the tribal council area……and onto the set of the reunion.  Remember when he used to be whisked away on a helicopter?  Or ride off on a motorcycle or jet skis?  SIGH.

Time to find out who the winner is…….

The votes go like this:  Benjamin, Sophie, Benjamin, Sophie, Benjamin, Sophie.  And the final vote goes to……

Yeah girl!

Papa Bear runs onstage like a maniac.  That is the only Papa Bear sighting you will have this evening.

Sophie hunches over her family, celebrating and hugging them, everyone secretly making a list of shit that they will ask her to buy for them.

I always wanted a pony…..Did I ever tell you you’re my favorite sister in the whole wide world????

I’m happy for Sophie.  She was one of my top contenders from the beginning, and though I would have liked to see her strike out on her own a bit, I get that that may have hurt her in the long run if she had done it.  I’m so fucking glad it wasn’t Benjamin, y’all.

Before we go…..let’s talk a little about the reunion.  First of all, Jeff turns it into a total sausage fest, barely spending any time talking to THE WINNER OF THE SEASON and instead spending the majority of the time talking to the guys.  What a douche.

I love that Sophie tells us that she saw the religious framework the others had built and tried to use that to her advantage.  Go along to get along as it were.  Not surprising since she told us early on that she wasn’t into all the praying going on, but she smartly saw what other people’s motivations were and used that to her advantage.

Smart cookie

 

Jeff talks to Benjamin about how different he was this time around and people actually told Jeff they liked him.  Whatevs.  Benjamin says he loved every minute of it; it was an amazing run and he feels humbled by the experience.  The game has changed his life.

They talk a little about the whole prayer thing and Benji reiterates that it’s something that is very real for him and for people like Hantzy and Albert.  Blah blah.  Amen.

Jeff does his traditional game of “what if” with the jury which is hogwash because they never really know how they would have voted if other people were in the mix.  Well, with an exception.  Ozzy would have TOTALLY won if he had been there in the final three.  I believe them when they say that one.

Speaking of Ozzy, Jeff wants to spend some time with him.  Ozzy thinks Sophie was really the only person that could have beaten him; he thinks she’s one of the smartest people to ever play the game.  He also spends about 10 minutes talking about how awesome he is and that he does it for the children and to prove to them that they can be as awesome as he is.  Just believe in your own awesomeness and you will be awesome.

Did I mention that I am awesome?

Also a little girl gets to ask a question and it’s about how awesome he is as well.  Jeff says there is just no one like Ozzy.  By the way, Ozzy is awesome, has he told you?  You can be awesome too!

Jeff also spends some time with CockRing asking him how the reaction on the street has been to him.  He says on the street it’s been fine, generally people don’t tend to stop you just to say what an asshole they think you are, but the internet is a different story.  Oh, CockRing!  We don’t hate you.  At least I don’t.  He is also mentions that he is single.  SHOCKER!!

We’re going to spend some time with HantzyPantzy next.  Jeff wants to know what was tormenting him out there.  He says he’s had a rough past and made a decision to start doing the right thing which was really hard because he kept being reminded of how he used to be and he just doesn’t want to be that person ever again.

Jeff wants to know what it’s been like since he’s gotten home; is his family proud of the game he played?

Not so much.

He says unfortunately not everyone is happy, expecially Russell.

I got half a mind to beat yer ass boy!

Well, he’s right about the first part of that sentence at least!

I feel bad for Hantzy here; it sounds like his family is a bunch of assholes that cared more about him winning the money than anything else.  It’s sad.  No one from his family is even there except his asshole uncle.  DAMN.  That is cold.  He says some people couldn’t make it, but a lot of them aren’t very proud of him.

This of course leads to Jeff going out to talk to Russell.  Does he think Hantzy restored the family name.  Well, first of all, he is Uncle Russell, a side of him that Hantzy knows, but he is also Russell from Survivor.  He will sit down and shut up if that’s what Hantzy wants him to do.

Bull fucking shit, says Jeff.  They didn’t spend good money flying your ass out here to have you keep quiet!  Oh, don’t worry Jeff.  Russell is too fucking full of himself to ever just sit the fuck down and shut it.

He says that he thinks Hantzy went out there to change something that Russell himself brought to the game.  Russell says that he made greatness and brought the game to a level you cannot even comprehend.  Hantzy did everything wrong.

Jeff says next season should be Russell on one tribe and Hantzy on another.

Jeff, I will ship you off to the Murder House before I will allow that to happen.

You’re gonna die in there

After a break we come back to find out who the player of the season is.  UGH.  I have hated this ever since they started it with fucking Rupert.  Gah.  Jeff says it was the biggest margin for the win ever.  CockRing came in second and wasn’t even close.  Yes, you guessed it, the winner is Ozzy.

See?  Told ya I’m awesome

We are running out of time now so Jeff pops around quickly, talking briefly to Dawn about what she went through to get on the show.  Whitney and Keith are a couple even though Whitney was secretly married when she came on the show.

Also?  Edna is pregnant and Christine and Stacey are best friends.  Jeff is sad that Jim didn’t really get to play and Jim is annoyed that everyone wasn’t there to play to win.  SOME PEOPLE coughCockRingcough just played to stay as long as they could knowing that in the end they weren’t going to win.

Jeff mentions the whole Russell vs. Hantzy thing AGAIN and I am itching to reach into the TV and slap him silly.  Hantzy talks a little bit more about what assholes his family is and the dude is totally trying not to cry.  Poor little fella.

And that’s it, Gasmi.  There’s nothing left but the teaser for next season:  Survivor, One World (let’s get together and feel alright).  Looks like there will be two tribes but everyone will live together in one camp.  That should make for some interesting dynamics.

I have had an incredible time recapping this season, Gasmi.  I hope that you have had as much fun reading as I have had writing these recaps for you.  I hope to be back again next season with you all.

Huge apologies again for the massive delay in getting this done.  Being sick really kicked my ass and screwed with my timeline in a big way.  I hope you found it worth the wait.  See ya soon!

SWAK, PottyMouth

 

As always, to get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!