Survivor Recap: It’s a Family Thing

Yes, we’ve made it to the family visit episode, Gasmi.  Thankfully that means this season is almost over.  I don’t understand it.  We seemingly have some players this season that should have made for some interesting game play.  Both Sophie and Albert seemed like they had brains and were willing to use them.  I feel so deceived.

I’m blaming the pygmies for not finishing what was on their plates.

That never would have happened at my house!  Okay, I’m not really blaming the pygmies, it’s not their fault they couldn’t stomach Benjamin’s ass.

I am just so sick of watching these guys looks like they are going to make a move and then do nothing.  It’s annoying and makes me want to drink heavily.

I know many of you felt this way last season, but I had more fun last time around.  I’m not gonna front; I know part of that is because Boston Rob cracks me up and the fact that people get so pissy about him entertains me beyond belief.  I don’t feel the same way about Benjamin and Ozzy so that fun has left the building.  Plus HantzyPantzy’s cray cray is creepy and disturbing versus Phillip who knew how to be an entertaining nut.

I learned it in my federal agent training!

Well, complaining ain’t gonna make the season end sooner, so I guess we better get to it, huh?  CockRing arrives at Redemption Island and Ozzy uses his best disappointed dad voice to greet him.

I hope you feel bad – you would have lasted one more day if you’d have stuck with us!

CockRing tells Ozzy he feels like a fool, he got screwed.  Dude, you took a gamble and it didn’t pay off.  Get over it.  Ozzy says he’s sorry; it happens to the best of us.  Yeah, he’s totally talking about himself there.  What an ass.

CockRing tells us in hindsight his big jump to the other tribe may not have been the best move.  He feels used and abused and he’s completely annoyed that they did nothing to show any sort of gratitude for what he did for them.

PUH-LEASE!

It’s not like he made some altruistic move; he did it because he thought it would get him further.  Which is not a bad thing in Survivor; he just rolled the dice and lost.  Get over it and stop acting like you’ve been martyred by Loopholo!!

Ozzy has a way that CockRing can ensure Loopholo doesn’t win: all he has to do is vote for Ozzy if he makes it.

A vote for me is a vote against Loopholo!

Hey, if you had to choose between him and Benjamin…….CockRing looks around, up at the sky, and stammers a bunch, refusing to commit to voting for Ozzy in a final two or three situation.  In fact, he finds it insulting that Ozzy doesn’t even consider the fact that CockRing COULD beat him the duel tomorrow.  Um yeah, sure, that could happen, Ozzy tells him.  In fact, if he makes it to the end he’ll even vote for him.

Never gonna happen.

LOLOLOL!

The next morning at Loopholo Tuna, HantzyPantzy wants to gather the tribe together for a little prayer circle time.  Edna is over this bullshit and says she’s not joining in since she isn’t really part of the tribe anyway.

Mmmkay!  Smell ya later!

She leaves the area crying and tells us she feels betrayed by her tribe after finding out  that she’s the next to go.  I don’t know why she’s acting all surprised about this given the fact that Brandon told her AGES ago that she wasn’t part of the core group.

It’s just all so real now

No shit, honey.  That’s why you should have tried to make a move a long time ago.  Honestly, I can’t feel sorry for someone that knew what position they were in for so long and did absolutely nothing to change ANYTHING.  You made your bed, go cry in it.

She’s particularly upset about the whole honesty and integrity thing and says she doesn’t understand how Benjamin can preach that mantra day in and day out and then treat her like this, like a second class citizen.  Again, not sure why she’s so surprised by this.

Later she sits down with Benjamin to talk to him about how she feels and says he knew she was on the bottom of the alliance the entire time; she feels deceived.  Benjamin tells her everyone gets deceived; it’s part of the game.  He points out that it’s now an individual game, but she counters that it’s not really an individual game yet; not until they boot her.

And you knew, all the time.

DUH.  He’s the one that brought you in at sixth, dummy!   Benjamin tries to placate her and while she’s trying to explain how she feels HantzyPantzy is carrying on in the background about tree mail.  Edna is pissed that a nineteen year old high school dropout who has advertised that he’s crazy is dictating to her the direction of her destiny in the game.

Woo hoo!  WOO!  Tree Mail!  Can I get a whatwhat?!?!?

Everyone gathers around for the tree mail which is a phone.  We all know what that means.  Messages from home, tears, and family visits.  Rick gets a message from his wife, Edna and Benjamin get siblings (sister and brother respectively) and Hantzy, Albert and Sophie get their parents (dad, mom, dad).  THANK GOD Russell Hantz is not here because I really thought they just might do that and then I would not be responsible for my actions.  I actually heard they were trying to get him to visit his nephew…..

But he was still too busy crying about Boston Rob kicking his ass last season

Awwwww……poor little fella.  Maybe he got to help build some toys this year to cheer him up.

Fuck that; I’m not letting that little troll within ten feet of my workshop!

Messages received, they all head over to the duel arena to see if CockRing can be the one to defeat Ozzy.  But first Jeff has to talk about the phone and the challenge sponsor for a minute (gotta get their money’s worth) and tells the fellas that there will be a twist to the dual but he’ll save that for later.

For this duel they will each use grappling hooks to retrieve three bags which each contain a ball.  Once they have all three, they will take a ball out of one of the bags and use it to solve a table maze that utilizes pulleys to shift it.  First person to solve the maze stays, loser joins the jury.

Ozzy gets a bag on his first try while CockRing misses.  Albert shouts out some throwing tips to CockRing.  Meanwhile, Ozzy gets another bag.  CockRing is able to get his first bag, but Ozzy snags his last and is now going to start working on the maze.

Don’t you give up on me, CockRing!

CockRing is able to get his last bags before Ozzy has solved the maze.  But Ozzy is getting close, using the lead to his advantage.  CockRing doesn’t play if safe and goes balls to the wall moving his ball through the maze.  This aggressiveness pays off and in the blink of an eye he catches up to Ozzy and we have something worth watching.

Ozzy’s ball drops and CockRing is approaching the end of the maze which is really tricky: can he beat Ozzy?  Now CockRing’s ball drops and he has to start over as well!  Once again he spazzes his way into catching up and they are now both inches away from the win.

Wow.  For a minute there I thought CockRing was going to pull off a win.  That would have been awesome.  Not because I’m a fan of his, but can you imagine Ozzy’s face?  That would have been SO FUN.

Ozzy hugs CockRing and tells him he had him shitting a brick; he almost got him.  CockRing says even though he didn’t win he was going up against one of the most confident challenge dominators to ever play this game.  To come so close is like a dream come true.  He loves Survivor and he hopes that comes through.

Nope.  Couldn’t tell.

He babbles on and on and says he’s doing that to prevent himself from getting teary eyed because this has been by far the most incredible moment of his life.  For real?  Jeff asks.  For shizzazz real.  That’s sad.

Jeff wants to know what all the crying is about, where are these tears coming from?  It’s because CockRing has realized that’s he not the person he thought he was.  He’s learned he can be a better person who is more pleased with himself and the decisions he makes.

Jeff gives him props for taking a risk and says he made one of the biggest moves in the game (that went nowhere) and he thinks a part of CockRing died and was reborn out there.  Oh, shut up Jeff.  Time for him to go.

Jeff tells Ozzy he’s now going to have a very important decision to make.  But before he does, Jeff wants him to know what’s at stake.  And then he calls out Loopholo’s family members, including….

Russell Hantz’s Brother.

Yeah, I’m sure Brandon’s dad loves being referred to as Russell’s brother – siblings love that!

So basically, Ozzy gets to decide one person who will be spending time with their family.  Jeff points out that he could curry some favor depending on who he chooses.  He chooses Albert.  Jeff says he now needs to choose one more person.  He picks Benjamin.  Now pick one more person.  Ozzy says how hard it is to choose while everyone looks pleadingly at him, and then he picks HantzyPantzy.

No love for Rick, Edna and Sophie, so they are sent on their way while the rest of them will be spending their day at Redemption Island at Ozzy’s camp.

I’ve already got a headache

Once they arrive at Ozzy’s camp, they all take pictures using the corporately sponsored phone while remarking about how wonderful it is.  Benjamin is happy to spend some time with his bro, but he’s also happy to get some time to talk to Ozzy.  He tells Ozzy he wants to take him to the final three and vows to him that he’s telling the truth.

I swear on the pygmies, I’m not lying!  I’d look you in the eyes but that sun!

Meanwhile HantzyPantzy is talking to his dad, Russell Hantz’s Brother, about the way he has been playing the game.  He leaves out the part about everyone thinking he is batshit insane.  Screw the million, screw the sole survivor stuff; he’s playing the game the way Christ would play it.

Daddy admires him for his loyalty to his alliance, but reminds him that he’s playing to win a million dollars for himself AND HIS FAMILY.

Did you learn nothing from your uncle?

But I want to be good

Try being a Hantz instead

He tells us if he had to grade Hanzty right now on his game play, he’d give him a C.  He’s glad he’s out here and tells him he’s a Christian, yes, but he’s also here to do a job.  He doesn’t know how his son hasn’t gotten voted off yet.  Dude, you Are not the only one.

He then goes over to talk to Benjamin and says he’s glad he came out here because his son doesn’t seem to be holding it together too well.  He asks Benji to watch out for his son and also, be sure you take him to the final three.

Don’t make me come back here and whoop you

He tells Benji that before he leaves he’s going to tell his son to do whatever Benji tells him to do.  Benji doesn’t really appreciate Hantzy’s dad trying to strong arm him and says Russell is not the only bully in the Hantz family.  He says their whole family is about manipulation and control but he is not going to have anyone browbeat or handcuff him into a final three alliance with Hantzy.  The kid is a ticking time bomb and his time here is about to expire.

Don’t tell him that though because he’ll probably stab me in my sleep

Time for the immunity challenge!

Looks like it’s a SpongeBob Squarepants themed challenge

For this challenge they will take turns flipping over a piece of the pineapple and then stepping on it.  Once a piece is turned over they cannot step on it again, so basically the goal is to keep moving.  Once they are out of moves, they are out.  Last person able to move wins immunity.

Everyone makes their first move while Jeff makes his usual commentary.  He asks Benjamin if this challenge is a little like a metaphor for the game in that the moves you make early can dictate how well you do overall.

Why yes, Jeff.  Thanks so much for the perfect setup.

They continue to turn over pieces and Jeff notices that it looks like they’re trying to squeeze Edna out.  Albert ends up being the first one out, followed by HantzyPantzy.  He then sits down and starts to explain his strategy to Albert, and Jeff is interested in hearing what it was.  Well, he tells Jeff, he wanted to cover enough surface to where a particular person can’t immunity….

Just say my name ASSHOLE, we all know you’re talking about me!!!!

Oh, do you think they’re talking about you?  Jeff inquires.  DAMN STRAIGHT she does.  She ties it back to Jeff’s analogy, saying she knows they are targeting her since she didn’t HAPPEN to be on the beach on day one and therefore isn’t a part of the five.

Hey keep playing and Jeff points out that Benjamin has the biggest piece of the puzzle so it looks like it’s his to win unless he decides to do something stupid.  Yeah, it helps when it’s practically given to you, doesn’t it?

Still counts as a win, no matter HOW it happens

Rick is out next then Sophie, leaving Edna, and Benjamin.  Edna gets more and more frustrated because she knows she has been set up to lose.  She tells Jeff it’s a bit of an insult to put it mildly.  She says at some point the rest of them are going to have to realize it’s an individual game.  And then she’s out and Benjamin wins immunity.

BLEH

As they head back to camp, Edna tells Benjamin to help a sister out while Hantzy tells us he’s not bothered by Edna being pissed at him.  He just knows he’s gonna be here for that breakfast on day 39.

Back at camp Sophie is annoyed at the way Hantzy treated Edna, saying he was really rude and it was unnecessary to tell her we’re all trying to get her out.  It’s not sitting well with Rick either; he says she clearly wasn’t going to in the challenge and what Hanzty did was just like kicking a dog when it’s down.

Maybe Hantzy has read the mood of his tribe, because he apologizes to Edna for his behavior.  Edna’s not fooled and tells us she doesn’t feel like he’s being sincere and basically thinks because he’s apologized that everything is now all honky dory.  And it’s not.

I’m sorry my brain couldn’t control my thoughts from coming out my mouth.  All better now?

I hate you

He hopes she will execk his apology.  She says at this point he already did it so…..well, he execks the consequences of his actions.  Edna equates Hantzy’s apologies to that of an abusive husband; he thinks that just by saying the words it makes it okay and he’s free to move on to the next insult.

Sophie is not crazy about Hanzty’s behavior/apology either.  She says that it seems like he thinks that an apology absolves all sins which it does not.  She says maybe that’s true in church, but certainly not in life and ESPECIALLY not in Survivor.

Edna presents a proposition to Benjamin, Albert, and Sophie.  Her pitch is basically get rid of Hantzy before they boot her.  She points out that this tribe has said it’s all about honor and integrity and yet it allows Hantzy to act crazy and nasty and there are never any consequences for that behavior.  She says honor and integrity a bunch of times, knowing that those are Benjamin’s buttons, and sure enough he can see the merit in her argument.

Benji tells us on a day where it seemed for sure that Edna was getting the boot, that may not be the case anymore.  Yeah, yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it.

Make it happen, guys!

Later she catches some private time with Benjamin and asks him about her fate.  He says the tribe is worried about Hantzy going to Redemption and then beating Ozzy.  He’d be even crazier than he is now.  She then asks point blank if he would play the idol for her.  No can do, he tells her.  He explains that if he did that the alliance wouldn’t trust him anymore and then he’d be the next to go; he doesn’t think he’s gonna use it at all.  He thinks she should talk to Albert and Sophie and tell them that she talked to Benji and everything is cool.

Could work

I love how the editors insert some sidestepping crabs in here!

Edna listens to Benji’s advice and goes off to talk to Albert and Sophie, telling them that she is voting for Hantzy and asking them to do the same.  Albert says he’d be willing to do that as long as they have the numbers.  She tells him the plan is capital BA, Benji Approved.  She is so sure that Benji is behind this plan; she would even eat a piece of his shit.

Hasn’t she already been doing that?

I’d think all the crawling up his ass she’s done during the game, she’s already eaten her share of shit nuggets.  Albert doesn’t give her a definite answer, instead….

He’ll think it over

Time for tribal council.

Jeff confirms with Edna that she is feeling the heat tonight.  She uses the opportunity to talk again about how Hantzy should go home before her since their tribe mantra is all about Honor, loyalty, and integrity.  Group eye roll from Savaii.  I’d mock them but I rolled my eyes as well.

She brings up some past indiscretions involving Hantzy, starting with the time he lied about Stacey and Christine to try and get Mikayla voted out.  She also brings up the way he behaved in the immunity challenge and how dishonorable it was for him to rub her face in the fact that they were all working against her.

Don’t even get me started on his farting and blaming it on someone else!

Jeff asks Hantzy how it feels to know his name has been bandied about.  He says he doesn’t have anything negative to say about Edna; she’s misconstrued a lot of things.  Jeff interrupts him saying he was there for the Stacey/Christine lie and he’s not sure how Edna misconstrued that.

Well obviously I have no idea what misconstrue means but it sounded pretty in my head.

She’s just planting seeds in the minds of others!  He doesn’t think she should take shots at his character; he’s just trying to be open.  This hurts his feelings.  Edna says she didn’t make even one of those things up; the things that she’s brought up happened, they weren’t a figment of her imagination.

Sophie talks for a minute about how tough it is at this point because you have to turn on each other; Albert agrees.  Time to vote.

Eat shit and die, Hantzy!

Time to tally the votes.  Hantzy gets one vote, and then it’s all Edna.  Benjamin hugs her before she leaves and then it’s time for her to get snuffed.

So once again Loopholo had a chance to do something and instead did nothing.  I am counting the days til this sorry ass season is over.  BOO.

What did you think, Gasmi?  Are you as over this season as I am?  Were you hoping for juuuuust a minute there that they would actually do something unexpected?  Any bets on who’s the next to go?

Thanks for hanging in there with me; it makes it better to know there are people watching and annoyed, the same as I am.  This upcoming week is going to be a big one; regular show on Wednesday, followed by finale and reunion on Sunday.  I’m not sure exactly what the recap schedule will be for that one, but I will do my best to get them out to you as quickly as I can.  See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth

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