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Ready for another week, Gasmi? First of all, thanks to you guys for the warm welcome and for all your great comments. Glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks Lil Hantz is a nutbar. And I can’t wait to see what you have to say about this week’s insanity. But first, we have to get through the episode. So let’s get to it!
We start this week with Semhar and her arrival at Redemption Island.
The pain! The pain!
Ah, I see the crabs have been warned about her already.
Semhar is weepy about being voted out and says she feels abandoned by her tribe. She gave them her every last strength and they voted her out. Well, maybe if her every last strength lasted for more than one coconut toss……
She begins building her shelter, working through the tears and tells us that she is able to turn her pain into positivity through poetry. In fact, she’s composed a poem for this very occasion….
Even boobs poppin’ wasn’t stoppin’ my tribe from droppin’……..me.
Trust me, that’s better than the crap that actually came out of her mouth. She misses feeling loved. WAAAAAAH. Shut it.
Over at Savaii, CockRing thanks his tribe five thousand times for not voting him out. He’s determined to become a new man. Ozzy and Keith chat for a couple of minutes saying that maybe when there’s a puzzle CockRing will have a chance to shine. Yeah, but Jim seems like he’d be good at puzzles too, thinks Ozzy. In fact, he tells Keith it might be a good idea to bring Jim into an alliance with them. Keith is on board with this but also plans on keeping a close eye on Ozzy.
Ooooooo……it’s the shortened version of the credits tonight which means there’s probably some good stuff coming our way this episode. I’m so excited!
Let’s see what Loopholo is up to. Coach and Edna are out for a stroll and he thanks her for hanging with him after he lost the first challenge last week. He’s happy that he has a solid alliance of five but also knows you can never have too many friends in this game. He thinks Edna’s loyalty could outweigh strength in this game.
Someone likes me! Someone really, really likes me!
Careful Coach, she may just be after your ass.
Edna and Coach speculate that Christine may have found the idol. After all, she was digging around like crazy yesterday and today she doesn’t seem to be looking anymore. Also, Edna points out, Christine and Stacy are super close. She tells us she knows that she is at the bottom in her tribe and is hoping that an alliance with Coach will help her position in the game.
A different hat may help.
Coach tells her loyalty is the most important thing and also that he is stupid in this game because he is always hoping to find someone that will play honorably. They agree to work together and Coach is going to do his damndest to protect her.
Over at Savaii, CockRing is taking his promise of new manhood very seriously. In d=fact, he is ignoring his mommy’s advice and **gasp** using a machete unsupervised. Sadly no fingers or toes are lost in the process.
He does tell us that the coconut tastes even better because it is the fruit of his labors. Why am I grossed out when he says that?
I dunno, but I am right there with you
Ozzy tells his tribe he’s going to try and get some fishing done and then uses the opportunity to look for the idol. Using his past experience from the show he starts looking around for anything that seems out of place. He climbs a few trees and then notices a rock. Huh. A rock doesn’t belong in a tree, does it?
Give me a break. The HII just happens to be up a fucking tree? GAH. I hate that thing. Why do we still have it? Wouldn’t it be a great twist to get rid of it? Think about it. Everyone expects to be able to use that damn thing now; how awesome would it be if they stopped using it? Of course this is coming from a person that has always hated the HII so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Or a few thousand.
He quickly looks for a new place to hide his idol and talks about how dumb he’s been in the past, not using the idol when he had it. He is determined not to let that happen again. He thinks it could be his ticket to the win.
We rejoin Loopholo and Coach is talking to Lil Hantz about how he tried to snuggle up to him the night before.
Dang, that was you? I thought it was that whore flaunting herself again.
Be careful Coach! You don’t want to tempt a married man; he may have to vote your ass outta there.
Lil Hantz really likes Coach, thinks he’s a good guy, and he’s feeling really guilty about not being honest with him about his identity. He decides to break down the truth for Coach and shows him his Lil Hantz tattoo. Coach is a little slow on the uptake and thinks that it can’t be Lil Hantz’ last name. Oh, it is, Lil Hantz tells him; Russell is his uncle.
Can we just take moment and discuss the disturbing blurring once again on this show?
Why the hell is Coach’s entire crotch area blurred? What on earth could be so disturbing to the viewers that it would need to be blurred? Was his little pygmy poking out to say hello? Did the Amazonian natives move on to his penis when their attempt to eat his asshole failed? I NEED TO KNOW.
Ok, sorry. It’s just this blurring and Ozzy’s waist level blurring last week have got me wondering what they’re hiding.
So Lil Hantz asks Coach to keep his revelation on the DL. Coach is speechless at first and then worried because he thinks Russell is his number one nemesis. Is he serious? Yup, He tells Lil Hantz he doesn’t want to be played a fool twice. Oh Coach, maybe stop acting like a fool. That might help.
Lil Hantz tells him he’s made a huge leap of faith here trusting Coach with his secret identity. The only reason he’s doing that is because they have an alliance.
Just don’t tell anyone else in our alliance or I will cut you
They have a little prayer circle to seal the deal because you know when you bring God into reality shows it totally means that you will always be true to your word. Coach tells us “It’s either going to be Coach Wade duped once again in Survivor or it’s going to be redemption for the Hantz family.”
Back at Savaii, Elyse is trying to channel her ancestors in order to catch fish. Her elders ignore her. Ozzy, Keith and Jim head out to fish. This gives Jim the opportunity to break out his three plus two plan which includes an alliance of him, Keith and Ozzy plus the two girls, Elyse and Whitney because eye candy is good for the soul.
I was thinking of a five minus two plan, but that would never work
Keith is happy with Jim’s plan which is surprisingly similar to his and Ozzy’s plan. The difference with this one is that it allows Jim to feel like the mastermind which he clearly needs to be. Keith may be one to watch y’all.
Jim refers to himself as the Architect and says that CockRing, Dawn and Papa Bear will be the next to go because they just don’t fit in. Just as I start to think he has an overinflated view of himself, he acknowledges that just because he’s sitting at the Cool Kids’ Table it doesn’t mean he’s the coolest. Or the second or third or fourth coolest. It’ll be interesting to see how long it is before they kick him out of the Cool Kids’ Club.
We take a quick break and then rejoin Loopholo where Lil Hantz is turning his creep factor up to eleven. The guys decide they’re going to go out fishing and Mikayla joins them. She tells us that she’s a tomboy and she knows the guys think she’s a tough chick.
Lil Hantz probably looked at this and thought “stripper”.
As they fish, Lil Hantz oogles her again and again. He tells us how he doesn’t like her. I think that’s an understatement. Seriously, I think the guy would stone her to death if he could. He is really gross. You know the guy gets a boner just looking at her.
Boners are bad.
He has now dubbed Mikayla “Parvati” because he thinks she is using her feminine wiles to pull people in and get attention. “It’s the ones that are good looking and seductive that you want to get rid of.” Poor Mikayla is completely oblivious to his disturbing attention. The poor girl is just trying to prove that she’s a strong woman and this guy is twisting that into something sinister.
Stop flaunting your boobs at me you harlot!
Lil Hantz has to stay away from this stuff because he’s married. He tells us he’s made some pretty bad decisions in his life but he swears he will get her voted out of this game. CREEP.
I wonder if I can enforce a dress code for all the womenfolk.
While Lil Hantz plots Mikayla’s demise, Christine is idol hunting. No one else is looking for it, but they are all assuming she has it which would make it a smart move for her to find the idol. She finds the clue to the idol, but not the idol itself. Oh, if only she climbed trees like Ozzy, she would be sure to find it.
While Christine is busy looking for the clue, Stacey walks up on a conversation between Coach, Lil Hantz and Sophie. Sophie is talking about the idol and says she thinks that Christine has it, but Stacey tells them Christine has not said anything to her about it.
Like you would tell us if she did
Time for the immunity challenge!
Loopholo walks in feeling super confident.
Despite some rather unfortunate fake teeth
Oh, they’re not fake teeth, it’s some sort of fruit that Coach calls pandera. Apparently it’s super tasty. Jeff wonders what message they’re trying to send to Savaii.
That they suck as much as we are sucking on this fruit.
Jeff explains the rules of this challenge. Four members of each tribe will race to unwind ribbons from a May pole until they release a set of keys. They will then use those keys to release the other four tribe members, who will work together on a slide puzzle which consists of moving very heavy crates back and forth across a platform, until they can release the largest one. The first tribe to get their crate on the finish platform wins immunity and reward.
Jeff tells them that they’re also playing for reward. The winning tribe will add pillows, blankets and a hammock to immunity if they win. Jeff asks them if it’s worth playing for and I wish YET AGAIN that just one of them would say, “Nope. I think I’ll pass on this one.” Please, someone. I will pay you. Okay, it’ll only be five bucks, but it would be so worth it.
Because they have one extra player, Loopholo has to sit someone out of the challenge. Edna, it’s you kid.
Take yer stupid paper hat and sit yer ass down
CockRing, Dawn, Whitney and Elyse work the pole for Savaii while Stacey, Sophie, Christine and Mikayla are on pole duty for Loopholo. Loopholo is on fire right from the beginning and unbraid their ropes quickly releasing the keys and giving the rest of their team a nice head start to the puzzle.
However, once Savaii gets unlocked and started on their puzzle, they not only catch up but quickly overtake Loopholo. After a huge comeback, Savaii wins immunity.
Suck on THAT Loopholo!
I blame Mikayla.
Wow. That was a pretty impressive comeback, doncha think?
As Loopholo leaves to prepare for the upcoming tribal council, Lil Hantz tells us he is going to make sure that Mikayla goes home tonight. Yes, the demonic vagina MUST GO!!!!!
As Loopholo returns from the immunity challenge, Coach compliments the women for their fast work on the pole. Edna tells the guys that they did well too; she thinks it was a really hard puzzle.
Christine on the other hand, wishes the men had worked a little faster on the crates, so they could have won the challenge and avoided Tribal Council. She admits, “I just hope it’s not me going home tonight.”
You might want to stop making that face then.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!?!?!?
And why is it undulating in the sand like that? Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.
Coach and his alliance meet to discuss tonight’s boot. He draws on past experience and tells them that they should split the votes between Christine and Stacey just in case they have the idol. Of course the fact that Christine called him a temporary player has nothing to do with his voting strategy, right?
Well, she’s also been eyeing my ass, so I’m a little scared
Coach tells his alliance that even though Edna is totally loyal, she is on a need to know basis only. He’s gonna tell her at the last second to vote for Stacy. Lil Hantz looks thoughtful. Or maybe he’s just constipated.
A little while later, Coach and Lil Hantz share a moment by the water’s edge. Lil Hantz decides to share his doubts with Coach and tells him that he really wants to stone vote out Mikayla. His reason? Because he is faithful to his wife. DUDE!!!!! Get over yourself! Mikayla wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole!
He tells Coach he is uncomfortable being around her and Coach loses whatever grudging respect I was beginning to have for him as he tells Lil Hantz he understands. Really, Coach? Lil Hantz goes on, telling Coach he just keeps thinking about Parvati and how she has screwed many a man. “That’s for sure” Coach replies and I think they may be talking about two different kinds of screwing.
Lil Hantz tells Coach he will do what the team wants, but he’ll bitch and moan the whole way. Coach knows voting Mikayla out is nonsense considering she’s the strongest girl on their tribe. Coach thinks Lil Hantz has demons we don’t know about. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to ever know about Lil Hantz’ demons. I’d like to be able to still sleep at night.
When someone tattoos LOCO on their neck, they might be trying to tell you something
Now Lil Hantz is talking to Sophie and Rancher Rick, telling them they have to get rid of Mikayla. Neither of them seems to be interested in his plan either. Sophie is concerned that Lil Hantz seems to want to get rid of a strong woman since she considers herself to be a strong woman too.
Something tells me she’s not going to pop Lil Hantz’ radar.
They all think they’re going to need Mikayla for more challenges. Mikayla picks this moment to stroll over and Coach asks if she could please give them some privacy. Well, I guess that five person alliance isn’t a secret anymore, huh?
Stacey walks over next and Coach walks away. Subtle. Mikayla looks shocked and Albert tries to cover for Coach telling her he thinks Coach is just super paranoid about all the girls right now. Mikayla wonders when she became untrustable.
Are you kidding me?
Edna goes back over by Christine and Stacey to pretend she’s packing her bag and Christine immediately starts grilling her about what was said. She says she doesn’t know, and then says they were talking about booting Sophie. Christine is like Sophie was there you moron, get your story straight if you’re going to tell one.
Lil Hantz STILL has not given up on the whole Mikayla thing and now goes over to Coach to tell him that Christine and Stacey are all for voting out Mikayla. He confesses, “I just walked up to Coach and I lied to him. If Christine and Stacey vote for Mikayla, it’s because I told them to.” Lil Hantz regrets the lie, but he desperately wants Mikayla and her Jezebel ways gone. Coach is upset with Lil Hantz’s bullying tactics. He is hoping and praying that the people he is aligned with have the character he thinks they do. If not, there’s going to be an ass eating whipping at tribal council tonight.
And this time, it won’t be my ass that’s eaten whipped.
They arrive at tribal council and dip their torches in the fire. Coach jumps right into it, telling Jeff that someone on his tribe told him that Christine and Stacey are voting for Mikayla tonight.
He tells them not to look at him like he’s crazy because Coach in tribal just lays everything out. Coach in tribal also appears to talk about himself in the third person. UGH. He himself does not want Mikayla to go. Stacey and Christine ask did he even talk to them? Nope, he did not. So how does he know who they are voting for? A little demon told him.
Jeff is so glad that Coach is back. I bet. Jeff wonders if it makes Mikayla nervous to hear her name out there. DUH.
Christine and Stacey deny again that they even said that. He didn’t say they said it. Christine wants to know who he heard it from. Albert points out by not telling them that Coach is actually showing loyalty to the person that told him. My head hurts.
Albert also brings up the immunity idol and that it has been a source of paranoia in the tribe. He says that was the raindrop that started the monsoon. Coach says he knows Christine looked for it the first day and he say her digging around again today. She says obviously Coach is threatened by her. Yep, that’s it.
Sure looks threatened to me
Jeff then wonders why Mikayla hasn’t even asked if Christine and Stacey are voting for her. He thinks if she goes tonight it will be the quietest exit he has seen in a while. Mikayla asks them, is it on their mind. Never, says Christine.
Lil Hantz then proves himself to be a bigger idiot than I originally thought and tells Jeff and the tribe that he’s the one that told Christine and Stacey to vote for Mikayla. Is he missing a few brain cells? What a dope.
Albert thinks it’s great when things come to the surface and people start to reveal themselves. A person’s personality and character will creep in no matter how hard they try to mask it. Well, Jeff can’t figure these people out, so it’s time to vote.
We don’t see any of the votes, and then it’s time for Jeff to read them. We get a vote for Sophie, then Edna, followed by Christine and then Stacey. Then Christine, Stacey, Christine, Stacey. One vote left. The second person voted out of Survivor is…….
As Christine arrives at Redemption Island, she tells us she doesn’t really know what happened at tribal. She thinks Coach had a heavy hand in it. She thinks he’s a tool.
She pokes at Semhar, trying to wake her up. “Hello? Wake up. I’m with you know”
Hello! My name is Christine from Long Island. Coach voted me off. Prepare to talk. HALLO!!!!
Don’t get too upset, Christine. She’s probably working on a welcome poem for you.
What did you think, Gasmi? Is anyone else completely creeped out by Lil Hantz? I’m finding it increasingly difficult to believe that this guy could pass a pysch test. I can’t WAIT to hear what you guys think!