Survivor Recap: Matt Gets a Coltonoscopy

Survivor

By TheProfessor | Tuesday, March 6, 2012 | 6:00 am | 38 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Survivor

***PottyMouth is currently travelling the world hunting down the little Indonesian rascal hacker, so this week you have a fill in! Please welcome TheProfessor to the gasm family!

Hidelihodeli, Gasmerinis! Unfortunately, our beloved PottyMouth couldn’t make it this week. Express kidnapping, I was told.  But don’t worry, we should have the ransom of twelve door knobs collected in the next few days. In the mean time, I was asked to counsel you through this week as best as I could.

As any true fan, in the days leading up to Survivor Wednesday I neither shaved nor showered, ate only boiled rice and pranced around the house in my old tattered speedo (in an unrelated story, I like to offer my deepest apologies to our mailman). I couldn’t find some blonde dingbat to jump in a tub of water for no reason whatsoever, but this had to do. Bring it on, Jeff!

Our hour of entertainment starts off with a recap of last week’s episode. The women once again fell apart, and had to send someone home. Good bye Nina. According to the narrator, the reason was that Nina was seen as a liability in challenges — I can only assume this refers to Nina being a professional scare crow and the anticipated lack of bird scaring challenges in episodes to come. In a stroke of absolute brilliance, the producers underline this drama at tribal with a musical score that  can only be described as some kind of Samoan belching competition.

 

I think this explains the absence of birds on the island

Once back at camp, it is clear our premature jumper, Kat, is not out of the woods yet, but this little drama soon takes a back seat to the weather.

“All eyes are in Kat right now” … who apparently is being slow roasted on a fire

A heavy storm is rolling in and the women are worried. Given that their shelter is inspired by some sort of woven hula skirt design, they really should be. Colton and Jonas even offer an open invitation to Chelsea and Kim to join them in the guy’s shelter, but the girls insist it will not be that big a deal. “I say we tough it out, we’ll be just fine”. Interesting choice. A bit like “ultra-flammable hydrogen gas in the Hindenberg, sure, we’ll be just fine.”

Not soon after, the rain sets in, and immediately the Salami tribe shelter turns into a drip irrigation system. But I have to give it to them, they are toughing it out, basking in nothing more than the cool light of the night vision cameras jammed in their faces. Well, at least they decided to bring the correct clothing for this kind of adventure, such as stripper stockings and pink hoodies. None of that surf shirt nonsense.

This season’s line of survival gear (and my humble suggestion for next season)

By morning though, our tough cookies have been reduced to watery cookie mush. Misery quickly turns into despair. How bad you ask? Pretty bad apparently, as Sabrina later confesses “I literally wanted somebody to punch me so I could be knocked out last night”. Literally???? I’m sure a true gentleman like Matt would have gladly obliged.

As daylight breaks, the women’s desperate cries are quickly answered by the guys. And before you know it they are off to the men’s shelter for some much needed de-pruning. And almost just as quickly, they wear out their welcome. Come on, guys. Wet girls looking for heat, what’s not to love?

 

Channeling their inner Nina

Maybe the reward challenge will change the women’s fortunes. We all know they can use a break. And the reward they’re playing for is …. (drum roll) … a canoe and fishing kit … the perfect reward for a tribe that has neither fire nor a sushi chef. At least the challenge itself has nothing to do with physical skills, so the women have a chance. Contestants from both tribes go head to head in a memory test and have to race to recreate a display of six to eight items, such as bottles, shells, rope and skulls (yep, skulls!).

One of the items is a mock-up of Kat’s brain

Matt gets thoroughly schooled by Sabrina, and it’s all downhill for the guys from there. It’s pretty pathetic, really. Colton, Jay, Troyzan and Bill all get their asses handed to them by the soaked, wrinkled bitches. Most amusing was definitely the Kat-versus-Troyzan battle of futility: imagine King Kong versus Godzilla, but King Kong just had a lobotomy and Godzilla is surviving on a diet of magic mushrooms. Seriously. When you get yeeeehah saloon music accompanying a challenge, things are bad. After about five hours, the battle of the brain farts finally comes to an end, and Kat is the ‘victor’. Oh mercy. One victory later, the women make it a clean sweep.

Is there a romance blooming here? Run, Leif! Run!

Back at camp the Salamis miraculously discover a canoe, and immediately resume their bitching about the weather. Our favorite brainiac, Kat, offers us the insight “we’re on the verge of a horrible storm” … on the verge? As in “we’re on the verge of a slight economic downturn” or “some of us are on the verge of evolving from apes” (okay, the last one may actually be apt).

Unfortunately, a canoe does not a fire make, so the women are back to square one … do not pass go, do not collect dry underwear.  After yet another fruitless attempt at lighting a fire and giving up (since “their coconuts are too wet”), it’s back to the guys’ shelter for some embers. Suckers.  You know the guys are being shafted pretty bad when even your over-the-top gay stereotype proclaims “I’m a republican, I’m not a democrat, I do not believe in handouts” Really!?? So that immunity idol you got in episode 1 was a donation to the Colton SuperPAC “Gay Republicans for Santorum Cream”?

 

I’m a republican! I believe that who I am makes baby Jesus cry!

 

The rain is still not letting up, apparently reducing the men’s cohones to the size of peanuts. Whatever the girls want, they shall get. Mi tarp es su tarp. Sure, the dudes make a feeble attempt at resisting and trying to get some canoe time, but the women are having none of it. Back at camp hula skirt, it’s break down time.

The next day, the rain mercifully lets up and we don’t have to hear the women moan anymore. They actually take out the canoe and go fishing. Well, they pose for some bikini shots for the camera and the producers reward them with three tiny fish from their aquarium.

 

Oh no, they caught Captain Snuggles!

With this hearty meal, the women are all re-energised to take on the elimination challenge: an obstacle course where one person has to direct pairs of blind-folded team members towards bags with puzzle pieces hidden in what Jeff claims is a water tower (I have my own theory on this ‘water’).

What better way to empty your septic tanks

Sabrina and Bill volunteer to be the team leaders, with mixed success. Given that this challenge puts a premium on communication, the woman appear to be doomed from the start. They do not disappoint.

We love you Sabrina!

With all the puzzle pieces, the team leaders then have to build a tree. Bill chokes like Rick Perry in a spelling bee and Sabrina actually beats him despite having started what seems like four hours behind. Wow! Two in a row for the women. The men are crushed! Except for asshole Matt, who is looking forward to tribal, since he ‘has been building up power’ and ‘is looking to execute some of it’.

I’m the Matt-ador, I rule this place

Why wouldn’t Matt be confident? After all, he’s the big kahuna in the dominant 4-man alliance (Matt, Mike, Jay and Bill), thoroughly stomping the 5 misfits. If this doesn’t make sense to you don’t worry. You’re not a lawyer.

In non-lala land, however, the five misfits are plotting to vote out one of the studs. Colton is gunning for Bill, who apparently has found a secret patch of special weed and is jumping around camp like a school girl on super glue.

Or maybe it’s a clash of dental hygiene

Crazy Bill is done for. The misfits are finalizing their choice … that is, until Matt shows up and decides to shoot himself in the foot in a way that would make any republican proud. Talk about awkward. “Were you talking about me?” Uh, yeah, you idiot; I like Tarzan, he’s a straight shooter.

In an attempt to rectify the situation, Matt takes Troyzan aside and comes up with one of the corniest, most idiotic seduction techniques since cavemen clubbed their wives on the head. His spiel: “we’re all roosters”. Seriously, bro. Roosters? You’re saying you’re a bunch of chickens?

 

You do know what happens to chickens on this show, right?

You’re talking to a guy who calls himself “Troyzan” and chickens is the best you can come up with? You could have picked anything: a pride of lions; a pack of wolves … and you go with freekin’ chickens? Good thing you’re not a lawyer, my friend … oh wait, you are? Never mind. Continue …

Yeah, bro, let’s do the crazy rooster dance

Troyzan is having none of it. I’m actually starting to like this guy too. Go Tar-Troy-WhateverRocksYouBoat-Zan!

At tribal, Jeff is trying to stoke the fire a bit, but it’s clear; it’s between Bill and Matt. When Colton smuggly declares that he has an idol, the collective balls of Matt and Mike drop to the floor. This wasn’t quite in their well conceived plan, which apparently didn’t go much further than to crush the alliance of 5 with their 4 votes. Bill is once again totally stoned and convinced he is either on the Price-Is-Right or first in line for a colonoscopy.

Once the votes are in, Colton doesn’t play the idol; he doesn’t really need to. It is abundantly clear: this is not a good day to be a chicken … the Matthole is out … and there was much rejoicing.

 

Matt and a jury of his peers

I don’t think there will be a lot of tears shed that Matt is out. He was a prick and I for sure won’t miss him. Now let’s hope the women somehow get rid of total bitch Alicia; maybe they can trade her to some pirates for some dried jerkey. Sadly, based on the always accurate preview, it doesn’t seem it will happen next week.

Instead it is clear what will be in store for us: Troyzan rebuffs Tarzan’s advances to make him his Cheeta sidekick, much to the disappointment of Jay who had been angling for the job. And I bet you Colton and Bill finally settle things like true men: a Zoolander walk-off.

Hope you enjoyed the show! And don’t forget it’s wear-a-speedo-to-work day this coming Thursday!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

38 Comments

  1. 1
    Hazylazy
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 7:16 am

    I also appreciated the rooster comment. Don’t roosters kill each other if there is more than one in a group? Matt was such a dude-bro. I’m actually glad his cocky ass is gone.

  2. 2
    Bioscotto
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Excellent recap Professor! You did PM proud!

    Oh Colton…silly, silly gay Republican…of course you are! He’s such a weird guy!

    I was so glad it was Matt. That pompous jerk needed to have his hat handed to him, and I’m glad the gay guy (Republican or not!) could lead the charge of misfits to his stew pot!

  3. 3
    lindaw205
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Wow, that was a really brilliant move, Matt. Original even. I wonder how many tries it took for him to pass the bar.

    Oh, and great recap!

  4. 4
    ChaCha
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 8:34 am

    No comment, really. I just like looking at the cute Mucinex booger avatar assigned to me!

  5. 5
    RazzBeth
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 8:44 am

    I love it when mathematically challenged imbeciles who think they run things are handed their asses. There is such joy in seeing it happen.

    @ChaCha – you better be careful if you post on TWD recaps. Your avatar is total zombie bait. :)

  6. 6
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Please go back to the old text style. I don’t know if it’s because of the color, the boldness, or the font, but this new text is very hard to read.

  7. 7
    Moli Moli
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Only on the second paragraph and you have given me my first(of a few) gasmii secret work reading laugh since the site went down. Bravo:)

  8. 8
    Moli Moli
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 10:11 am

    I don’t understand why Colton told the band of manly(deluded) men he had the idol at tribal; even if they planned to vote him out duhhhhhhh 5 against 4. I am so happy Matt gone now all we have to do is wait for Alicia to be kicked off.

  9. 9
    Luscious Luscious
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Freaking hysterical! Great debut, Professor!

  10. 10
    JasonR
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Funny and very economical recap Prof! A gay Republican makes about as much sense to me as a vegetarian cattle rancher.

  11. 11
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 11:40 am

    I’m not sure it’s fair to say that Colton’s republican comments should reflect badly on his acceptance of the Immunity Idol, considering the rules indicated that the girls had to give a guy the idol and he was the only guy speaking to the girls in the first few days on the island.

    Bill’s “skater boy” shtick would start to irk me after a while, as well. But I’m glad he was spared, in favor of Matt. I’m not sure if Bill can mount much of a defense with his alliance falling apart, but he was more palatable than Matt, whose sourpuss needed to go ASAP.

    Does anyone else feel that Kat is playing the dumb blonde non-threat role, in the hopes of getting dragged to the final two or three? I hope that she turns her status as non-entity into a power position and actually begins to make moves in the game, but something tells me that I will be disappointed by her.

  12. 12
    AntSuck
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    I’ll miss Matt only because he was hot.

    Now that Colton had finally grown a pair in this game, he’s become more likeable. I actually hope Bill gets voted out next from the men. Either him or Tarzan and his speedo.

    I hate when Probst says that a vote-out is a blindside when it absolutely wasn’t. Matt knew he was on the chopping block as made evident by him trying to make the rooster alliance with Troyzan, and by him interjecting a lot during TC trying to swing votes his way. People who think they’re safe don’t start new alliances or fight for voted during TC. Probst is just trying to make this season sound more exciting than it is.

  13. 13
    carol
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    As annoying as Bill might seem, there was a whole lot of editing going on there, with a concentration of ‘surfer-dude’ shots. What irks me is what would happen if Bill had made those comments about Colton instead of Colton about Bill. Why is okay for Colton to make those comments?

    I still hope that the producers don’t step in and merge/mix-up the tribes before one tribe is down to very small numbers. It might be either tribe at this point, but since it is one camp this season, they could easily not merge until the final four (if there are still two tribes at that point). It would be a good change.

  14. 14
    randomnicole
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Still too early for me to really pick my favorites, but I was glad to see Matt go, Bill doesn’t bother me as much as Mike – who may be less douchey with Matt gone.

    Completely over Colton and starting to like the tarzanii.

    Women’s tribe? Boring and whiny kinda.

  15. 15
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    So…these avatars… were they assigned randomly, or were Flipit et al giggling madly when they gave me an avatar that looks likes its vomiting all over itself? Could be worse, I suppose. Oh well.

    I’m not so sure about Tarzan. Seems like he’s a bit of a loose cannon — who’d trust him to keep his mouth shut?

    So far I’m rooting for the hot older gal (Monica?), who seems to be one of the few on the ball this season.

    Colton’s just a creep. And his posture makes me want to vomit.

    Sigh. Can’t wait to the real site is back up again!

  16. 16
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Wait, I don’t get it… now my avatar is changed? I’m going to punish someone by bringing back my eye-in-mouth avatar. Or the creepy jesus gimp avatar.

    you’ve been warned.

  17. 17
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Totally agree with itchy about Tarzan. He almost reminds me of Phil in the “who the eff knows what’s gonna come out of his mouth NEXT” way.

    Hmmm. I wonder what avatar I shall be (temporarily) assigned?

    I looove the way the recap is all on one page…too bad it’s not permanent.

    Excellent recap, BTW! I think I’m babbling now, but one last thought: The Colton/Santorum thing cracked. Me. Up.

  18. 18
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Well. My avatar is apparently poop. Um, thanks?

  19. 19
    Pikey
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Colton’s “ghetto trash” comment about Bill reeks of racism which makes me hate him even more than I already did. There is a reason why his clothes are so clean – he has done no work since getting there, the lazy ass!

  20. 20
    fancyface
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Thought it was just me that was disgusted by that comment since no one else has addressed it. Those two vile words gave me a glimpse into the real ColGay & it’s not cute! Even the way he said it with such venom let’s you know he is ignorant at best or a racist a-hole @ worst. Either way, I didn’t see that coming & I am over that twinky trash!

  21. 21
    wow
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Totally agree about the “Ghetto Trash” comment, it came out of nowhere and it seems that in Colton’s world, being annoying is enough to qualify one as “Ghetto Trash,” as long as your Black of course.

  22. 22
    wow
    Posted March 6, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    *You’re* Arghh pet peeve!

  23. 23
    rayplayhockey
    Posted March 7, 2012 at 4:33 am

    “Immediately the Salami tribe shelter turns into a drip irrigation system” Done some indoor gardening eh? ;)

  24. 24
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted March 7, 2012 at 4:43 am

    Itchy, you have bat wings and devil horns…I think your avatar is pretty bad ass. :)

  25. 25
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted March 7, 2012 at 8:13 am

    I was fine with your recap until you posted a picture of Matt with his shirt off and then you started calling him Matthole. Suddenly, I’m missing him.

    I would like to see Colton and Bill get into a fight. I have a feeling it would be Colton trying to slap Bill and Bill ducking and weaving. At the end of the fight Colton would end up with his hands on his hips – frustrated or he would run off and cry in the jungle. That would be some funny stuff.

  26. 26
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted March 7, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    I saw it more as a commentary on Bill not having a job and living off of others.

    Not sure what my randomavatar is…but it’s wearing a mask.

  27. 27
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted March 7, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Was just talking with my friend on line about this. “Ghetto trash” is as much as indication that the person you are insulting is Black as “Trailer trash” is an indication that they are White.

    Colton was definitely making a distinction.

  28. 28
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted March 7, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    Well, after tonight’s episode, Colton transformed from a polarizing Survivor character to a whiny insulated entitled racist snob (re: this season’s villain). I’ve tried to defend some of his actions in the earlier episodes, but as I tweeted, I much prefer the whiny bitch from episode 1 and 2 to the evil cunt we have now.

  29. 29
    Moli Moli
    Posted March 7, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    I agree100%

  30. 30
    Hazylazy
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 4:19 am

    I think Colton comes off as more of a classist than a racist. I think he wouldn’t have liked a struggling stand-up comedian who sleeps on other people’s couches (eww) regardless of color. He hates poor people across color. I do, however, think that he must have a LOT of money if the Alabama country club people find his gayness charming and eccentric rather than an abomination.

  31. 31
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 7:54 am

    Huh. I wonder if it’s regional because where I grew up the terms were nearly interchangeable for what they implied, but were used to designate a part of town. And the town was pretty well integrated, so the ghetto was as much black as white.

    I guess that’s why I didn’t hear it as racist…just stupid.

  32. 32
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Uh, that Colton is terrible.

    BUT you never know he could change and become a nicer person before the reunion show. Anything is possible.

  33. 33
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Oh dear God…not the eye. flip…please help him!!!

  34. 34
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 10:35 am

    !!!!! [Just saw the latest episode]. This season is definitely becoming interesting, but I’m not certain it’s in a Survivor sort of way. Really irked me the way Tarzan defended Cuntron, but then, as a plastic surgeon, he’s probably part of the 1% himself.

    It’s interesting how Cuntron pretty well sums up the current political climate, all in one smarmy preppy package.

  35. 35
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Could be regional. But Colton definitely makes a distinction. He called Bill ghetto trash, and then on the last episode, said the “rednecks” who make fun of him probably live in trailer parks.

  36. 36
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Was gonna add, he may not be racist but he’s definitely classist. Even though that whole “I associate with African Americans. My housekeeper.” *giggle” ….was very suspect.

  37. 37
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

    I agree that he’s classist because he looks down on all poor people. But as I told my friend yesterday, if a person is 20+ years and the only Black person they associate with is their housekeeper, then I’m giving that a side-eye.

    And Colton doesn’t have a lot of money. Many his parents do, but Colton doesn’t. That why he looks so stupid when he tells Bill to get a real job because, as Bill points out, Colton doesn’t have a real job either.

  38. 38
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted March 8, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Here’s hoping Cunton’s (love that, Itchy!) housekeeper has seen/read “The Help” and wants to serve Cunton a special homemade pie after his time on Survivor has ended.

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