***PottyMouth is currently travelling the world hunting down the little Indonesian rascal hacker, so this week you have a fill in! Please welcome TheProfessor to the gasm family!
Hidelihodeli, Gasmerinis! Unfortunately, our beloved PottyMouth couldn’t make it this week. Express kidnapping, I was told. But don’t worry, we should have the ransom of twelve door knobs collected in the next few days. In the mean time, I was asked to counsel you through this week as best as I could.
As any true fan, in the days leading up to Survivor Wednesday I neither shaved nor showered, ate only boiled rice and pranced around the house in my old tattered speedo (in an unrelated story, I like to offer my deepest apologies to our mailman). I couldn’t find some blonde dingbat to jump in a tub of water for no reason whatsoever, but this had to do. Bring it on, Jeff!
Our hour of entertainment starts off with a recap of last week’s episode. The women once again fell apart, and had to send someone home. Good bye Nina. According to the narrator, the reason was that Nina was seen as a liability in challenges — I can only assume this refers to Nina being a professional scare crow and the anticipated lack of bird scaring challenges in episodes to come. In a stroke of absolute brilliance, the producers underline this drama at tribal with a musical score that can only be described as some kind of Samoan belching competition.
I think this explains the absence of birds on the island
Once back at camp, it is clear our premature jumper, Kat, is not out of the woods yet, but this little drama soon takes a back seat to the weather.
“All eyes are in Kat right now” … who apparently is being slow roasted on a fire
A heavy storm is rolling in and the women are worried. Given that their shelter is inspired by some sort of woven hula skirt design, they really should be. Colton and Jonas even offer an open invitation to Chelsea and Kim to join them in the guy’s shelter, but the girls insist it will not be that big a deal. “I say we tough it out, we’ll be just fine”. Interesting choice. A bit like “ultra-flammable hydrogen gas in the Hindenberg, sure, we’ll be just fine.”
Not soon after, the rain sets in, and immediately the Salami tribe shelter turns into a drip irrigation system. But I have to give it to them, they are toughing it out, basking in nothing more than the cool light of the night vision cameras jammed in their faces. Well, at least they decided to bring the correct clothing for this kind of adventure, such as stripper stockings and pink hoodies. None of that surf shirt nonsense.
This season’s line of survival gear (and my humble suggestion for next season)
By morning though, our tough cookies have been reduced to watery cookie mush. Misery quickly turns into despair. How bad you ask? Pretty bad apparently, as Sabrina later confesses “I literally wanted somebody to punch me so I could be knocked out last night”. Literally???? I’m sure a true gentleman like Matt would have gladly obliged.
As daylight breaks, the women’s desperate cries are quickly answered by the guys. And before you know it they are off to the men’s shelter for some much needed de-pruning. And almost just as quickly, they wear out their welcome. Come on, guys. Wet girls looking for heat, what’s not to love?
Channeling their inner Nina
Maybe the reward challenge will change the women’s fortunes. We all know they can use a break. And the reward they’re playing for is …. (drum roll) … a canoe and fishing kit … the perfect reward for a tribe that has neither fire nor a sushi chef. At least the challenge itself has nothing to do with physical skills, so the women have a chance. Contestants from both tribes go head to head in a memory test and have to race to recreate a display of six to eight items, such as bottles, shells, rope and skulls (yep, skulls!).
One of the items is a mock-up of Kat’s brain
Matt gets thoroughly schooled by Sabrina, and it’s all downhill for the guys from there. It’s pretty pathetic, really. Colton, Jay, Troyzan and Bill all get their asses handed to them by the soaked, wrinkled bitches. Most amusing was definitely the Kat-versus-Troyzan battle of futility: imagine King Kong versus Godzilla, but King Kong just had a lobotomy and Godzilla is surviving on a diet of magic mushrooms. Seriously. When you get yeeeehah saloon music accompanying a challenge, things are bad. After about five hours, the battle of the brain farts finally comes to an end, and Kat is the ‘victor’. Oh mercy. One victory later, the women make it a clean sweep.
Is there a romance blooming here? Run, Leif! Run!
Back at camp the Salamis miraculously discover a canoe, and immediately resume their bitching about the weather. Our favorite brainiac, Kat, offers us the insight “we’re on the verge of a horrible storm” … on the verge? As in “we’re on the verge of a slight economic downturn” or “some of us are on the verge of evolving from apes” (okay, the last one may actually be apt).
Unfortunately, a canoe does not a fire make, so the women are back to square one … do not pass go, do not collect dry underwear. After yet another fruitless attempt at lighting a fire and giving up (since “their coconuts are too wet”), it’s back to the guys’ shelter for some embers. Suckers. You know the guys are being shafted pretty bad when even your over-the-top gay stereotype proclaims “I’m a republican, I’m not a democrat, I do not believe in handouts” Really!?? So that immunity idol you got in episode 1 was a donation to the Colton SuperPAC “Gay Republicans for Santorum Cream”?
I’m a republican! I believe that who I am makes baby Jesus cry!
The rain is still not letting up, apparently reducing the men’s cohones to the size of peanuts. Whatever the girls want, they shall get. Mi tarp es su tarp. Sure, the dudes make a feeble attempt at resisting and trying to get some canoe time, but the women are having none of it. Back at camp hula skirt, it’s break down time.
The next day, the rain mercifully lets up and we don’t have to hear the women moan anymore. They actually take out the canoe and go fishing. Well, they pose for some bikini shots for the camera and the producers reward them with three tiny fish from their aquarium.
Oh no, they caught Captain Snuggles!
With this hearty meal, the women are all re-energised to take on the elimination challenge: an obstacle course where one person has to direct pairs of blind-folded team members towards bags with puzzle pieces hidden in what Jeff claims is a water tower (I have my own theory on this ‘water’).
What better way to empty your septic tanks
Sabrina and Bill volunteer to be the team leaders, with mixed success. Given that this challenge puts a premium on communication, the woman appear to be doomed from the start. They do not disappoint.
We love you Sabrina!
With all the puzzle pieces, the team leaders then have to build a tree. Bill chokes like Rick Perry in a spelling bee and Sabrina actually beats him despite having started what seems like four hours behind. Wow! Two in a row for the women. The men are crushed! Except for asshole Matt, who is looking forward to tribal, since he ‘has been building up power’ and ‘is looking to execute some of it’.
I’m the Matt-ador, I rule this place
Why wouldn’t Matt be confident? After all, he’s the big kahuna in the dominant 4-man alliance (Matt, Mike, Jay and Bill), thoroughly stomping the 5 misfits. If this doesn’t make sense to you don’t worry. You’re not a lawyer.
In non-lala land, however, the five misfits are plotting to vote out one of the studs. Colton is gunning for Bill, who apparently has found a secret patch of special weed and is jumping around camp like a school girl on super glue.
Or maybe it’s a clash of dental hygiene
Crazy Bill is done for. The misfits are finalizing their choice … that is, until Matt shows up and decides to shoot himself in the foot in a way that would make any republican proud. Talk about awkward. “Were you talking about me?” Uh, yeah, you idiot; I like Tarzan, he’s a straight shooter.
In an attempt to rectify the situation, Matt takes Troyzan aside and comes up with one of the corniest, most idiotic seduction techniques since cavemen clubbed their wives on the head. His spiel: “we’re all roosters”. Seriously, bro. Roosters? You’re saying you’re a bunch of chickens?
You do know what happens to chickens on this show, right?
You’re talking to a guy who calls himself “Troyzan” and chickens is the best you can come up with? You could have picked anything: a pride of lions; a pack of wolves … and you go with freekin’ chickens? Good thing you’re not a lawyer, my friend … oh wait, you are? Never mind. Continue …
Yeah, bro, let’s do the crazy rooster dance
Troyzan is having none of it. I’m actually starting to like this guy too. Go Tar-Troy-WhateverRocksYouBoat-Zan!
At tribal, Jeff is trying to stoke the fire a bit, but it’s clear; it’s between Bill and Matt. When Colton smuggly declares that he has an idol, the collective balls of Matt and Mike drop to the floor. This wasn’t quite in their well conceived plan, which apparently didn’t go much further than to crush the alliance of 5 with their 4 votes. Bill is once again totally stoned and convinced he is either on the Price-Is-Right or first in line for a colonoscopy.
Once the votes are in, Colton doesn’t play the idol; he doesn’t really need to. It is abundantly clear: this is not a good day to be a chicken … the Matthole is out … and there was much rejoicing.
Matt and a jury of his peers
I don’t think there will be a lot of tears shed that Matt is out. He was a prick and I for sure won’t miss him. Now let’s hope the women somehow get rid of total bitch Alicia; maybe they can trade her to some pirates for some dried jerkey. Sadly, based on the always accurate preview, it doesn’t seem it will happen next week.
Instead it is clear what will be in store for us: Troyzan rebuffs Tarzan’s advances to make him his Cheeta sidekick, much to the disappointment of Jay who had been angling for the job. And I bet you Colton and Bill finally settle things like true men: a Zoolander walk-off.
Hope you enjoyed the show! And don’t forget it’s wear-a-speedo-to-work day this coming Thursday!
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