Previously on Survivor, Colon was Queen of the Assholes, reigning with his court jester, Abitchia cackling alongside him. Until one day he couldn’t expel the bile inside himself fast enough and it turned on him, eating away at his insides and forcing his exit from the game. He left Abitchia with nothing but her disturbingly saggy boobs to save her, taking his immunity idol with him as a souvenir. Will Abitchia rise up to take his place or is there another asshole waiting in the wings?
This guy knows
The newly merged tribe returns to camp to find a feast waiting there for them. There’s fruit and cheese and crackers and, of course, booze. This time it’s champagne. Yikes! I predict a lot of headaches in the morning. They dig right in.
Troyzan says it really feels like Survivor to him now. They pop the corks on the bubbly and dig in. Abitchia wishes Colon was still there and that Christina had gone home instead. Well, wish in one hand and shit in the other, Abitchia, and see which fills up first. She’s pissed at Colon because he didn’t give her the idol and slurs on and on about it. She thinks she might have to go back with the women’s alliance to keep herself safe.
The backsctabbing ish about to beggin.
Yeah, hopefully the knife will be in YOUR back this time, ya dumb bitch!
The next morning they discuss names for their new tribe. They decide on Tikiano because it means year of the god. That out of the way, they start making breakfast. Jonas is cooking up some coconut, lightly caramelized. At the end, he’s gonna hit it with a little sea water, trying to manipulate the flavor of the coconut into the flavor of a potato chip.
Honestly, it all tastes the same to me what with my nose being all stuffed up, but THEY don’t know that and it sounds impressive. Next, I’ll be making palm frond froth.
Meanwhile, Jay is making some coffee and Tarzan is excited to tell him just how he likes it. Jay informs him that the coffee is only for the people that won it. Hilariously, he thinks Jay said it’s for the people who want it, so he replies, “I want it.” “You didn’t WIN it.” Jay tells him. Oh yeah, you’re right. So Tarzan backs off on the coffee. But not on Jay. I think he’s hoping to taste the caffeine on his breath or something.
I know I can’t drink any, so I’ll just stand here and smell your coffee breath if that’s alright.
Poor wittle Tarzan, no caffeine for him.
Jay tells us he’s not real happy about so many people being in camp, especially the ones he doesn’t like. He is planning to stick with Salami and pick off the Manono tribe one by one. Tarzan, on the other hand, is hoping that the guys will come back together and get rid of all the smelly girls (except for Abitchia because she sorta looks like a dude).
He pulls Michael aside to make sure the guys are still sticking together. He tells Michael that the six men and Abitchia have the majority and can rule the game. Michael tells Tarzan, sure, he’ll vote with the guys. Then he tells us he don’t trust nor like any of those guys. “I told Tarzan I’m in but I’m not with Tarzan.”
I just needed to get him away from me because he stinks so bad.
Time for the reward challenge. Titty-caca arrives on the mat and Jeff tells them that they’ll be split into two tribes for this challenge. One member of each tribe will race through a series of obstacles and dig up a bag of puzzle pieces and race back. Then the next person goes and so on and so forth. Once all four bags have been collected, the two remaining tribe members will use those bags to solve a puzzle.
First tribe to finish win beer and pizza PLUS a secret note to be read while they’re at their reward. They do a random draw for the tribes and the two teams end up being Jay, Abitchia, Sabrina, Chelsea, Troyzan and Christine vs. Leif, Michael, Kat, Kim, Tarzan and Jonas.
Jay and Leif are the first out for their teams and the first thing they have to do is dig a hole in the sand that’s big enough for them to then crawl under a fence. Jay makes quick work of it, while Leif struggles. I am not gonna lie; the sight of Leif diving face first under that fence and then trying in vain to push through, legs all wiggling around like crazy, almost made me pee my pants.
Time for a quick bathroom break!
Why the hell would you try to go face first through the sand instead of wriggling through on your back????? Dummy.
While this is going on, Jay successfully maneuvers through the next obstacle AND digs up the first bag of puzzle pieces. FINALLY Leif gets through, but the damage is already done; he returns to the mat for his tribe only slightly before Chelsea returns with the second bag for hers.
Kim heads out next versus Abitchia. Kim has to lose even more precious time to make the hole bigger because her dumbass team decided to start with the smallest guy. Abitchia gets the third bag and Sabrina heads out to get the fourth before Kim returns with her team’s second bag. Luckily the loser team has Kat. She may be an idiot, but that girl can BOOK. She returns with the third bag for her team before Sabrina brings back the fourth and final bag for hers.
Michael heads out and BLOWS through the course, catching up to Sabrina, so now the teams are neck and neck as they both start on the puzzle. We’ve got Christina and Troyzan working on it for their team and Jonas and Tarzan for the others. Jonas basically tells Tarzan to shut the fuck up while Christina and Troyzan seem to be working marginally better together. It’s down to the last three pieces of the puzzle and the teams are still neck and neck, until…….
Troyzan celebrates by yelling out that this is HIS island. Alrighty then. So the winners head out for their reward pizza party, while the losers head back to camp with their bellies (and pants) full of sand.
Over at the pizza party, Jay, Sabrina, Abitchia, Chelsea, Troyzan toast to their success; they are so happy to be eating something other than rice and coconut. Yeah, I’d be super psyched to be eating a coagulated grease pie with warm beer. YUM!!!!
Abitchia has their secret note and reads it. I think we all know it’s about the hidden immunity idol and the fact that one is hidden at camp. Chelsea says they should not tell the others about this so they will have a better chance of finding it. Sounds like a plan! Chelsea tells us she certainly doesn’t want the old Manono tribe peeps to get their hands on it because that could mess up Salami’s plans to boot them out.
Meanwhile, over at camp Titty-caca, Jonas talks to Michael, saying they should figure out what they want to do. Michael tells him that Tarzan already spoke to him and he thought the plan was to get the guys back together, using Abitchia as a majority vote. Jonas is PISSED.
You need to keep your fucking mouth shut!
You’re not the boss of me
Dude. You smell.
Tarzan does not like being called the stinky kid so he tells Jonas that’s IT, he’s DONE; he is out of the alliance. So glad to see the oldest dude on the island is also the most mature.
I’m not playing with you guys anymore, so there!
What the hell is on Tarzan’s leg?!?!?!?!?!? Seriously. What the fuck is that?
Think about this picture later.
The next morning, Troyzan is up before anyone else, so he decides to look for the idol. I have to admit, the sight of him putting his hand blindly into tree holes reminded me of a similar scene from Flash Gordon. Shit! I can’t find a picture of it! You guys know what I’m talking about, right?
This is obviously not what I’m talking about. I thought itchy would like this one more. Plus I couldn’t find the other one. But it’s really for itchy. Mm hmm. Totally. Consider it a non-Easter present.
Hey, did you guys hear that they’re talking about remaking this one as well? STOP REMAKING 80’s MOVIES, HOLLYWOOD!!
Anyway, after almost getting his hand bit off by an angry crab, he does find the idol. As you would expect, he is super excited. He knows that the idol can take him further in the game if he uses it wisely. I wonder if he’ll be able to keep his mouth shut about having it.
Time for the immunity challenge. Titty-caca arrives and Jeff asks about their new tribe name. They explain to him that they chose Titty-caca because it means year of the god.
Huh. And here I thought it was the year of the asshole.
He takes the immunity idol, telling them that tribal immunity is a thing of the past and it’s now all about individual immunity. For this challenge, each of them will be perched on a log while balancing balls on a wooden disk. How he gets through these explanations without giggling is beyond me.
Gentlemen, kindly put your balls away. We have rubber ones to use for this challenge.
How many ball gags did they have to mutilate for this challenge?
They’ll start with one ball and then at regular intervals they’ll add more and more balls, making it more challenging to balance them. If at any point a ball drops, they are out. The disk or a ball touches their body? Out. Fall off the log? Out. Last person standing wins immunity.
And we’re off!
Everyone balances one ball on their platter, but this proves to be too much for Tarzan who quickly falls off his perch. Everyone else makes it the next round. Jeff tells them to grab their ball and add another one to the disk.
Once everyone takes their hands off their balls, round two begins. Two balls prove to be too much for Christina to handle, and she is out.
If I were her, I’d “accidentally” bump into Abitchia on my way to the bench.
Michael has balls hanging on both sides of his disk and this ends up being his downfall. He is the next one out. Chelsea’s the next to go, dropping both of her balls. Right behind her is Kim who drops one her blue balls, knocking her out of the running for immunity.
Jeff counts it down then tells everyone remaining to grab their balls; they are safe. For the next round they have to add another ball into the mix, so now they are all balancing three balls. They’ll now go until there is only one person left.
Abitchia is out quickly, and it looks like Sabrina will be next as her balls inch closer and closer to the edge of the disk. But Sabrina is a ball master and skillfully rebalances them on the disk, saving her this time. Jays is the next to go, falling off his perch, while Jeff tells us that Troyzan’s balls haven’t moved in a long time.
I know. I’ve been watching them like a hawk.
Jonas is balancing two balls on one edge and one ball on the other edge when one drops off, knocking him out. A breeze starts to blow their balls and this time Sabrina can’t recover and she is out. Leif and his purple balls are gone next, leaving only Kat and Troyzan.
It looks like Troyzan is going to be in big trouble here are his balls start to shift all over the place. Suddenly, Kat comes out of her almost catatonic stupor and it is the end of her. She steps off the perch, handing the win to Troyzan.
I appoint thee Lord of the Balls!
Back at camp, Titty-caca congratulates Troyzan on his win; he knows he’s in a good spot right now between winning immunity, finding the hidden immunity idol and having a strong alliance going with Jay, Chelsea and Kim. He says he’ll go along with whatever the rest of salami wants to do.
They agree that it’s gotta be someone from Manono going, and Jay thinks that Jonas should be the one to go because he seems to be the smartest one of the Manono buffoons. Everyone seems to be on board with this plan. Chelsea tells us she’ll miss Jonas because he cooks for them all, but he is definitely one of the strongest Manono people, so he’s gots to go.
Abitchia checks in with Kim to see which way the wind is blowing, and is told of the plan to get rid of Jonas. In an aside, Kim tells us this is the best possible plan from her perspective. Not only does it get rid of one of the old Manono, but it gets rid of a guy as well. This leaves her with both girls and Salami as majorities in split voting situations, which gives her two really great options moving forward.
This is the one to watch
I like how Kim thinks and I would really LOVE to see her and Chelsea make a run of it. Personally, I’d rather them be with Salami than the girls, but that’s just because I want Abitchia GONE.
But not all of the Salami is on the same page. Troyzan is concerned about letting Jonas go. After all, the dude feeds them. Why get rid of him now? So he decides to let Jonas know his name is on the short list. Jonas is disappointed to learn he’s in danger and doesn’t get why they’d want to get rid of him before someone like Michael.
He decides to try and protect himself. First step: apologize to Tarzan for yelling at him. This mission is successful and now Tarzan is back in an alliance with Jonas.
You still smell, man.
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you; that ear is full of wax and dirt, but NOT POOP!
So Tarzan, Jonas, Leif, and Troyzan gather to discuss possibly voting for Kat. Jonas says they figured Kat because she doesn’t really contribute much around there and she annoys a lot of people. He’s hoping it works out.
Looks like it’s laundry day in camp, or at least Chelsea is doing her laundry. It sounds like she’s spent a lot of time cleaning off her clothes in the ocean and is now stirring them in a pot of boiling water. Sounds gross if that’s the pot they cook in.
Well, Jonas said he needed some clam water for this soup he’s making…..
So Chelsea is stirring away, minding her own business, when along comes Tarzan, dropping his nasty ass underwear right on top of hers in the pot. He immediately assures her that the brown stains on said underwear is NOT POOP.
Chelsea is completely grossed out and hella pissed. Tarzan doesn’t help. After announcing that the “dirt” stain is not poop, he proceeds to say that even if it were, the boiling water would kill any microbes. “It’s not that contagious.” HUH?!?!?!?!? EWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Chelsea gets her stuff out of there and stomps off as Tarzan wonders why she’s so mad. The flies buzzing all around him assure him that they love him, even if she doesn’t. Is it any surprise that now Chelsea wants Tarzan to go home?
The dude threw his poopy pants on top of my undies. All the scrubbing in the world won’t fix that!!!!!!
Jay understands how she feels, but he really wants to stick to the plan. He thinks it’s a mistake to switch it up after they’ve all already agreed on what to do.
Say that to me after his poopy pants are on YOUR stuff.
Time to head out to tribal. Once there, Jeff asks about how it’s going now that it’s all about individual immunity. Sabrina admits that it’s become a lot more chaotic since the merge and everyone is scrambling around, trying to protect themselves.
Jonas agrees and says people are targeting him, apparently because he is a provider for the tribe. He says he thinks they should all vote out Michael instead because he is much more of a physical threat than Jonas. Tarzan disrespects what Jonas just did. He disrespects it greatly. He feels like Jonas has given up his principles by throwing Mike under the bus when he doesn’t have to fight for his life. Jonas comes back at Tarzan, saying they don’t have enough votes to get Kat out tonight.
Huh? Wha? What did I do?
Tarzan tells Kat that Jonas is lying, even though he is not. He then announces that they should all vote out Jonas because he is sick and tired of Jonas undermining him. He is such a pompous and arrogant ass. Chelsea sticks up for Jonas, saying that more people have actually had issues with Tarzan than with Jonas.
Tarzan says he knows he’s not as likeable as Jonas, and this is because he is uncomfortable outside of an operating room where he is the one calling the shots. Ahhhhh, that explains a lot. He is used to being the one barking orders and is not enjoying the fact that no one listens to him out here.
I told them and told them, poopy pants are not contagious, but they still won’t let me spoon with them!
So unfair, isn’t it?
Tarzan says that if everyone wants to vote for him tonight that’s fine, but he’s voting for Jonas because of what he did. With that, it’s time to vote.
When Jeff reads the votes, there are two for Michael. But that doesn’t matter because all of the others are for Jonas. As he leaves he tries to make peace with Tarzan, but the old fucker is a supreme asshole, saying “Hard feeling to you.” Back at him. Wow. What a jackass.
And so, the sushi chef is sent on his way.
And that’s it for this episode, Gasmi. What did you think of this one? Were you sad to see Jonas get the boot? Do you think he missed the mark by focusing on Michael instead of trying to get everyone to vote for Tarzan? What about the poopy pants debate? Would you be okay with adding them to your laundry? Do you believe Tarzan when he says it wasn’t poop? And does boiling the poop all day keep the doctor away?
Can’t wait to hear what y’all have to say about this one! See ya soon!
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