Survivor Recap: Say Your Prayers!

Hey Gasmi!  I hope you’ve all got your rosaries ready because this week’s Survivor is brought to you by Jesus & Co.  And don’t worry about whether or not you truly believe; as we will soon see it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you throw Jesus’ name around a bunch of times coupled with “praise you” and “thanks be”.  Oy.

Now before we get into the recap, I do want to touch briefly on the subject of religion.  I don’t much care what people choose to believe in (or not as the case may be), as long as they don’t try to shove their beliefs down my throat.  That said, there’s some pretty annoying stuff going on in this week’s episode, so don’t be surprised if I start hollering shit about bible thumpers.  It doesn’t mean I think all Christians are assholes or idiots, it just means I think THESE people are assholes and idiots.  Unless you ARE an asshole and an idiot; then I mean you too. 

Gotcha!

We join Loopholo as they return to camp after voting Mikayla out.  Edna’s not thrilled about receiving votes, but she’s hoping that Hantzypantzy continues to be a loon because at least that takes some of the focus off of her.

Sure enough, his repeated outbursts are already a topic of conversation, Rick tells Benjamin (as requested, from here on out we will boycott the use of the name Coach – love it!  HI BENJAMIN!!!!!) he’s really worried about Hantzy going off the deep end in a tribal after the merge.  Benjamin thinks he’ll be able to keep Hantzypantzy under control (because he is delusional as well as egomaniacal), but hey, if he has to he’ll just get rid of him.

I know a couple of pygmies that would just tear his ass up.

After our shortened credits, we jump right over to the Redemption Island duel.  Sophie and Albert are here to witness for Loopholo, while Ozzy and CockRing are the spectators for Savaii.  Poor Mikayla doesn’t even get Jeff’s lame “how does it feel to get voted out?” questions.

Is he worried that Hantzy will go loony tunes if he talks to her?

Jeff jumps right into an explanation of today’s duel.  Each player has a crate that they will take apart and use the planks to create a bridge.  Once the bridge is built, they will then take it apart using some of the planks to solve a puzzle.  Got it?  Let’s go!

From the beginning Christine is in the lead, having figured out a way to take her crate apart faster than Mikayla (pushing them up from the bottom all together, rather than removing one plank at a time).  Albert sees this and yells out at Mikayla, trying to help her catch up.

Before Mikayla has finished taking apart her crate Christine is already starting to build her bridge.  Once Mikayla actually starts to build her bridge she does well and catches up to Christine.  As they get down to the last couple of pieces, Mikayla has trouble finding one which allows Christine to start to pull ahead again.

Albert again helps Mikayla, calling out to her where the missing piece is.  Jeff points out that no one is helping Christine.  Doesn’t matter because she is doing just fine on her own.  In fact, she finishes her bridge while Mikayla still has three more planks left to go.  Once again, Mikayla starts to catch up once they get to the demo section of the challenge, but Christine manages to keep a slight lead on her going into the puzzle.

They both work on their puzzles and Mikayla finishes first.  Buuuuuut, one of her pieces is in there wrong and so she’s gotta find it and fix it.  This allows Christine to finish and just like that, she has won another duel.  Mikayla is done.

Jeff wonders what is different as a result of her being here.

Well, I’ve now got a crazy Jesus freak stalker to worry about when I get home.

She says she now realizes how much stronger she wants to be and how much better she wants to be.  And with that, Jeff sends her on her way, crying as she goes.  Jeff now tells Christine she is becoming a legitimate force.

Becoming???

Hell, she has always been a force she tells him.  I’ll say.

Ozzy talks about how everyone is thinking about the merge right now and that Christine is an unknown if she survives.  Huh???  I thought she had made it really obvious that she HATES her former tribe and would be going to the other side if she gets the chance to.  Didn’t she actually say that at one of the duels?  This just in:  Ozzy is an idiot.

I know; it’s not like that’s breaking news or anything.

He’s not done though.  He thinks it might make sense (if they lose the next immunity challenge) to send someone to Redemption who they know can beat Christine and return to the game.  This would ensure that they would then go into the merge evenly matched with the other tribe.  And here I thought he was an idiot for not knowing where Christine stands; I see I have completely underestimated his stupidity.

Should we even talk about all the ways this moronic plan can fail?  I mean, in theory Mikayla should have been a shoe-in to beat Christine, right?  Just because you THINK a person is likely to win doesn’t mean he will.  What then Oh Grandmaster Ozzy?  Oh, right.  The Redemption Savior’s ass goes home.  Dummy.

We come back from a break to the sound of wind chimes while Ozzy shares his grand idea with CockRing.  What’s with the wind chimes?  Are they supposed to illustrate Ozzy’s zenness or something?  Given what we are about to hear, I’d expect more of a BOING sound.

Ozzy tells CockRing they should try to help each other.  CockRing agrees.  Next Ozzy tells him that he’s thinking that if they have to send someone to Redemption that it should be someone they know will beat Christine.  He doesn’t want to go, but he totally will in order to gain the advantage for his tribe.

Is there a hidden camera somewhere?

Of course CockRing is on board with this plan; it keeps him safe, for a little while at least.  Ozzy then tells CockRing he’s going to have to give his immunity idol to someone to hold for him until he comes back into the game at which point they will surely return it to its rightful owner.  CockRing says he’d be happy to hang on to it for Ozzy.

I can trust you even though I’ve spent my entire time here ostracizing you, right?

Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me
You can sleep safe and sound
Knowing I am around

Let’s see what Loopholo is up to.  Oh.  Lord.  Benjamin is alone on the beach praying and tai chi-ing while music swells in the background.  I feel like I’m watching some lameass kung fu movie.  Or maybe we’re playing a game of how many times someone can say Father in one sentence.  Either way, YUCK.

Understatement of the century

I especially enjoyed when he told god he had been faithful to him in this game (that is, god has been faithful to Benjamin).  PUKE.

He tells us that he knows his tribe is really down in the dumps after losing the last challenge so he thinks they need something to boost their spirits.  And he’s got just the thing: they should totally find the immunity idol!  Doesn’t matter that he already has it, they can pretend to find it.  Personally, I think he’s realized that Hantzy may slit his throat once he finds out that Benji’s been hiding something from him.  After all, that would be the honorable thing to do.

So, Benjamin gathers his tribe around him and tells them that they have got to find the idol today.  Hantzy tells everyone what the clue he found says and then Benjamin leads the tribe in a prayer circle, asking god to help them find the idol that he already has hidden somewhere else.

Anyone else hoping for lightening right about now?

WOW.  That’s pretty fucked up for someone who claims to be such a Christian man.  Sophie is with me on this one thinking it’s a little icky on his part.  A little?  Yeah.  It’s like I said earlier, I don’t care what people believe or don’t believe, BUT if you’re going to go around talking about what an awesome Christian you are and praising Jesus all over the place, don’t you think that praying to god for something that you know you already have and are trying to get as part of a lie to someone else is, well, blasphemous???

Personally, I loved it.

Here’s another thing: does anyone remember Benjamin loving Christ so much any of the other times he was out here?  It feels to me like he’s adopting this Christian thing in the hopes that it will make him look better to people.  It always seemed to me in past seasons that he was one of those guys that’s into a bunch of Eastern philosophy and religions because he thinks it will make him look cool because deep down inside he’s a giant dweeb that got his head shoved into the toilet in high school.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.  As half of the tribe looks diligently for the idol, Albert, Sophie and Benjamin pretend to look for it.  As their pretending, Benjamin and Sophie come across some tree mail.  What a perfect opportunity!  They’ll just take a little detour to get the immunity idol and then make a show with the tribe about having TWO pieces of news for them!

It’s as if it was divinely meant to be.

After they gather the tribe together, Sophie indeed tells them they have two good pieces of news.  HantzyPantzy immediately starts shouting with joy that they’ve found the idol.  It’s so amazing that they found the idol not even five minutes after they had been praying to find it.  Yes, it surely is a miracle.

The power of prayer!

Hey Hantzy, I’ve also got a great deal for you on a bridge in Brooklyn…..wanna buy it?

You know he’d buy it as long as it was a good Christian man selling it.  Hey, I wonder when it’s going to dawn on them that only one of them gets to use the idol.  Hmmmm……I how will THAT decision will be made?

It’s mine!  I helped find it!

Before we head over to the immunity reward challenge, just an FYI that the tree mail said they needed to paint themselves in pairs.  This will soon be explained.

Time for our immunity/reward challenge.  As Savaii and Loopholo arrive, we can see that they are painted to mirror another tribemate.  Hilariously, Hantzypantzy has painted a bikini top on himself which now accents his budding moobs.

Why is Albert hidden in the back??  UNACCEPTABLE.

Wondering why the tribes are paired up like this?  Well, it’s all part of some lame description leading to the reward challenge which sounds more like cruel and unusual punishment.  You see, the winning tribe will be whisked away to the Survivor Cinema where they will get the pleasure (HA!) of watching Adam Sandler’s latest movie, Jack and Jill.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

In case you haven’t seen the commercials, Jack and Jill has Adam playing twins, a brother and sister.  That’s right; Adam Sandler is expecting people to fork over their hard earned money to watch him parade around in bad drag.  H, and if that weren’t bad enough, Katie Holmes plays his wife.

See where blasphemy will lead you, Benjamin?

So Jeff tells everyone that in the move the brother and sister realize that they need each other to survive and the same is true here on Survivor because the bonds they make are what will keep them in the game.  Or, you know, kicking everyone’s ass over at Redemption Island.

True dat.

Anyway, for this challenge the tribes will work in pairs (i.e. their twin).  One set of twins will be the callers while the other two sets will navigate an obstacle course blindfolded.  Oh goody.  These challenges are always good for someone getting wacked in the head or stomach, or wandering off into the brush.

So the callers will help the other twins get through the course until they have brought back to their work table four bags.  These bags contain masks that one of the twin sets must then match up using only their sense of touch.  First tribe to match up all four pairs wins immunity as well as the movie punishment reward.

Worth playing for?

Only if I can eat Hantzy’s braaaaaaains while watching

Poor Rick, he’s bound to starve on that diet.

Dawn and Keith are the first out for Savaii while Hantzypantzy and Edna team up for Loopholo…..

Using the human centipede strategy

Hey whatever works!  And work it does because Hantzy and Edna get their bag a teeny bit faster than Keith and Dawn, even factoring in Edna smacking her head into one of the posts.  HARD.  Next out are Albert and Sophie vs. Ozzy and Whitney.  Albert and Sophie are able to hold on to the slight lead they have, and so Edna and Brandon face off against Keith and Dawn again.

Keith and Dawn manage to pull ahead during this round.

Must be the pantsing Dawn gives Keith

Unfortunately CockRing has trouble unhooking Keith and Dawn and getting Ozzy and Whitney on the line.  This costs them the lead they JUST got.  Poor Keith, he had his ass hanging out for nothing.  Albert and Sophie get to their last bag first, but Albert’s inability to untie the knots allows Ozzy and Whitney to catch up to them.

Before you know it, Ozzy and Whitney are tangled up again, losing the ground they gained.  Jeff makes sure to point out that this is all CockRing’s fault for not properly tying them onto the rope.  Not nice, Jeff!

Looks to me like they stopped for a quick BJ!!

I wish I was getting a BJ

With all this tangling and BJing going on, Albert and Sophie get to the puzzle table first.  While they’re working Benjamin is praying that they will win.  HATE.  And then, Albert and Sophie win.  Benjamin immediately starts yelling at everyone to get on their knees.  They huddle in a circle so that Benjamin can thank god for their victory.

The only reason you’d see me in that prayer circle would be Albert’s half naked body.  What?  I bet it could be a revelatory experience.

Ozzy is PISSED.  You know how you can tell?

Karate kick to the wall.

Jeff wonders how big a win this is for Loopholo.  SO BIG.  They are totally a family now.  And they give god the glory and praise his name.  UGH.  STOP.

They head out to the movies and Jeff asks Ozzy what he’s feeling.  Frustration and anger; he thought they had it but because of SOMEONE’S mistake they lost.  It’s so bad feeling something just yanked out of your hands.  It SUCKS, Jeff.

CockRing is now worried because he realizes the Ozzy goes to Redemption plan may no longer be on the table.  I wonder what gave him that idea.

After a quick break, we join Loopholo at the movies.  They get to eat while they are there, crappy looking hot dogs, all the candy they can eat, as well as popcorn and soda.  Yeah, that should really help with dehydration, doncha think?

Obviously they are not thinking about that as they laugh and laugh and laugh on cue.

Benjamin really enjoys the movie not only because he thinks it’s funny, but because of its message about family.  He thinks they are now unbreakable.  Ha!  Until Hantzy totally goes apeshit at another tribal.

Meanwhile at Savaii everyone is still upset about losing the challenge.  CockRing accepts responsibility and tells them they can certainly yell at him all they want because it was his fault.  Ozzy just doesn’t understand what was so difficult.  He doesn’t get it.

CockRing tells us he’s always felt like an outcast on his tribe, but this was a new level of ostracism.  They now turn to talks of who will be going to Redemption Island.  CockRing realizes that the Ozzy plan is now off the table.  But not only has his tribe decided that he should go, now they are having what he calls a kumbaya moment about sending him there and that it’s HIS opportunity for redemption and to prove himself to his tribe.  He tells us he doesn’t need to be a hero at Redemption.  In fact, he doesn’t know that he could be a hero, even if he wanted to.

The next morning Ozzy wakes up with a headache after a restless night.  He tells us he dreamed about going through with his original plan of going to Redemption Island, beating Christine, and then come back into the game as the savior of his tribe.

I just hope they don’t try to nail me to the nearest tree.

Ozzy leaves camp to go get his hidden immunity idol and decides he should wear it back to camp to prove to them all that he really does have it.  Was anyone in doubt?  He thinks this is his chance at redemption.

CockRing is overjoyed to hear of Ozzy’s return to the plan, but the others think it’s a bad idea and don’t want to remove Ozzy from the game when there’s no guarantee that the merge is going to happen at this point.  Keith worries that if the merge doesn’t happen then his tribe will be at a disadvantage with CockRing instead of Ozzy.  Jim is on the same page as Keith.  As they head out to tribal council we still don’t know if the tribe is going to go along with Ozzy’s plan or boot CockRing out the way they really want to.

So let’s get to tribal!  Jeff circles right back to the end of the last challenge, saying there was a lot of emotion; he wonders if there was any finger pointing when they got back to camp.  Ozzy laughs.  Of course there was!  He says CockRing got the bulk of the blame for it.

Jeff wants to know what happened with CockRing.  He says he started to panic when he realized the rope was tangled and it was both frustrating and embarrassing for him.  He remembers looking up at Jim and just being blank; this was his worst nightmare.

I tried to goose him to get him going, but nothing seemed to help.

What makes this all the more heartbreaking to CockRing is that they all firmly believe they are going to merge tomorrow, which means they will now be down in numbers.  He says they are hopeful that Redemption Island might work in their favor.

I think Christine is gonna kick your skinny ass all over the place

Dawn explains to Jeff that they are hoping that whoever goes to Redemption Island will win the duel and send Christine home and then reenter the game with them at six to six.  Jeff is skeptical that someone they vote out now would rejoin them once they come back into the game.  He wonders why the hell CockRing would put his life on the line for these guys.  And then Ozzy breaks it down for Jeff:  he intends to go to Redemption Island and get Christine out of the game.

Are you really that stupid?

Yes, Jeff.  He is.  Ozzy tells him that it is HIS chance at Redemption.  You see, in the past he was voted out because he didn’t listen to his gut and now he has had a dream about being the savior for his tribe so he is going to be the savior, dammit!

Not only that, he has the idol.  Jeff is gobsmacked.  He wants to know what Ozzy is going to do with the idol.  He’s gonna give it up.  Not only that, he’s going to make up a story for Christine about CockRing being a weasel and them trying to vote him out but he had the idol and sent Ozzy packing.  Not only does that make CockRing the villain, now it seems as if he could be a double agent.  Which would make complete sense if Christine didn’t hate her former tribemates SO FUCKING MUCH.

Jeff points out that there is no guarantee that the merge is going to happen when they think it will.  What then?  At least this way he goes out on his terms, he tells Jeff.  Jeff offers another scenario: if Ozzy doesn’t win the duel, he goes out an even bigger fool than he did the last time.

That scenario is ridiculous, Jeff.

Keith, Whitney and Jim all tell Jeff that they are not fans of this plan.  They would much rather vote out CockRing.  Time to vote.  Before the votes are read, Jeff gives Ozzy a chance to use his idol or give it away.  First he says he changed his mind; he’s going to let CockRing go to Redemption after all.  Once the smell of the shit in CockRing’s pants hits him he says he was just kidding.  He gives his idol to CockRing, asking for his promise that he will return it to Ozzy when he come back into the game.  OF COURSE he’s going to promise, that doesn’t mean he’s going to keep his word, dumbass!

No surprise that when the votes are read it is indeed Ozzy going home.  I can’t believe he got those guys to go along with it.  He sprints off into the jungle, happy to see his plan come to fruition.  Jeff says to his remaining tribemates that they just made one of the biggest moves in the history of this game based on one big assumption: that the merge is next.  I am SO hoping that they don’t merge and Ozzy gets his ass kicked by Christine.

At Redemption Ozzy plays his part well; he actually gets Christine to guess that it was CockRing.  No clues in the scenes from next week as to who emerges victorious, although they hint around CockRing not staying loyal.  I think that would be even better!!

So what did you think of Ozzy’s grand plan, Gasmi?  Are you hoping for failure as much as I am?  What about Benjamin’s prayer circle?  Any bets on what Hantzypantzy’s reaction was to this while watching at home?  I cannot WAIT to hear what you guys thought about this episode, so what are you waiting for?!?!?!?

SWAK, PottyMouth