Survivor Recap: Tears of a Douche

I wonder if Jeff is counting down the days to the end of the season the way I am.

Lady, I had to fucking live it!  And now I’m RE living it!

Uh, Jeff?  You get paid to be there!

You got me, you got me.  But sometimes even the money doesn’t help.

There are times that I do feel sorry for Jeff and this season is one of those times.  If I were him, I’d want to smack the lot of these people!  Anyway, I could bitch and moan about the course of the season and the idiots, tools, and buffoons they’ve cast this year, but that’s not gonna get us through this recap any faster, so let’s jump in, shall we?

We get the shortened opening credits tonight so presumably something exciting is about to go down.  Emphasis on the presumably.  Of course, with the way this season has been playing out, my definition of exciting has drastically changed.  Not coma inducing.  THAT would be exciting.

We’re back at Camp Titty-Caca and Tarzan is feeling vulnerable.  With only him and Douchezan left, he knows aligning himself with the last remaining guy could put him next on the list that he’s next on already.  So he’s going to do the smart thing, he tells us, and do whatever the girls tell him to do.

WIPE YOUR ASS!!!!!!

Oh Chelsea, ask for something you have some hope of him actually doing.

Meanwhile, Abitchia checks in with Kim to see how she’s doing.  Kim’s definitely a little rattled after Douchezan trying to get votes for her, and she’s relieved and happy that the ladies stuck together and voted Leif out.  She feels like tonight sealed the deal with the women’s alliance.  Now all they have to do is get rid of Douchezan.

This is MY island!!!!!

He knows he needs to win every single immunity to win because the second he loses, his ass is going home.  He says it’s one man versus all the women.  “Bring it on!”

The next day, Douchezan and Abitchia collect the tree mail.  This one says, “It’s not physical exertion earning reward today. Your powers of perception will help you get away.”  I immediately turn to my sister and say it’s gonna be the one where they have to guess how their tribemates answered a bunch of questions.  I hope I’m right; that one’s usually an eye opener for some of them.

Kat’s hoping that whoever wins gets to take someone with them on the reward and that she either wins or gets picked to go.    She talks to Kim and they agree that the most dangerous scenario would be Douchezan, Abitchia, and Christina being left at camp together.  They agree to take each other as long as the aforementioned three can be split up.

How do you like my new piercing?

I was right!  The challenge involves them each answering a series of questions about their tribemates.  Once Jeff determines how the answers split out, they’ll have to guess what the majority of the tribe answered.  Guess correctly and you get to take a chop at the rope holding up each castaway’s effigy.

LOVE that Kat’s has a hoodie!

Three chops and the effigy falls back into a fire and they are out.  Last effigy remaining unsigned wins reward; a helicopter ride to an island picnic.  As always, they’re excited at the prospect of eating.  AGAIN.

Because only this season is as boring as watching a bunch of people take a test, we skip that part.  Instead we’re going right to the guesses of majority answers.  First question:  Who does not still deserve to be here?

Kim, Chelsea, and Douchezan all got it right.  Douchezan takes a chop at Kat, Kim chops Douchezan’s and Chelsea gives Tarzan one.  Next question:  Who would you trust with your life?  Answer: Kim.  Christina, Chelsea, and Abitchia get it right this time around.  Christina chops Chelsea, but Chelsea and Abitchia both give Douchezan a whack and just like that, he is out.

Abitchia mocks him with his “This is MY island” line as Tarzan waxes poetic about how he’s become part of the molecular structure of the stratosphere, or some such shit.  What else would you expect from Dr. PoopyPants?

Next question:  Who most needs a wakeup call in life?  Correct answer:  Kat

Thanks guys!  Can you make sure that call is set for 7am tomorrow?  Wait!  We have phones here?!?!??!?

Everyone gets is right.  Well, everyone but Kat who probably answered N/A because she thought there were no wakeup calls available on Survivor.  Tarzan gives Chelsea her second chop, Sabrina and Kim both chop Tarzan so he’s now out as well.  Christina chops Sabrina and Chelsea chops Christina.  Abitchia takes the last whack this round and uses it to give Chelsea her final chop.

Fourth question:  Who is the biggest poser? Douchezan is the answer and everyone gets it right except Abitchia.  Kim chops Sabrina, Christina chops Kim, Kat and Sabrina both chop Abitchia.  Next one:  Who does the least for the tribe?  And the answer is Sabrina.

Girl, they just called you a lazy bitch!

Christina, Abitchia, and Kim got it right and chop Kat, Kat, and Sabrina respectively, knocking them both out of the game.  So, in case you’ve lost track, we’re now down to Kim, Abitchia, and Christina, and the next question asks who you’d most like to be stranded with on an island.  I’d have picked ole saggy boobs because if you run out of food she seems to have the most meat on her bones.  Of course the meat might turn out to be rancid, but maybe it would just give you the runs, not actually kill ya.

Of course these gals aren’t thinking about possibilities of eating your islandmate because they’re super well fed.  So they pick Kim.

Who would barely feed a five year old.

Kim and Abitchia both get it right and with that, Christina is out of the challenge.  For their next question they were asked who they never hope to see again after the game.  DUH.  It’s Douchezan.  They both get it right, and because Abitchia’s got two chops and Kim only has one, Kim wins reward.

Kim chooses Abitchia to go on reward with her and then Jeff is hilariously evil, first asking her how hard it would be to pick one more person and then making her choose someone else after she tells him how super hard it would be.

Kat just knows she’s going on the reward, but Kim looks at her and apologizes before picking Chelsea.  She tries to rationalize her case to Kat, saying it’s because Chelsea never gets to eat.  Douchezan uses the opportunity to try and drive a little wedge into the ladies’ alliance, saying that this proves that Kim, Chelsea, and Abitchia are the top dogs.

I’m starting to feel like a dumbass.

Starting?

The reward starts with a helicopter ride and all three ladies ooh and aah over the sights.  As they get ready to eat Kim tells us she’s not really sure is she’s enjoying this reward and is worried about how the rest of the tribe is feeling back at camp.  She knows she’s got some damage control to do once they return since Douchezan is probably back there talking smack.  Makes ya think maybe she should have taken HIM with her, cutting his plan to spread dissent off at the knees.

Speaking of Douchezan, back at Camp Titty-Caca, he is at work, playing on Kat’s feelings of anger about not being chosen to go on the reward.  He tells her it’s obvious that she thinks she’s in the know but she clearly is NOT.  She gets pissed pretty quickly listening to him and stomps off.

Thank god Sabrina is there to soothe baby kitty Kat.  She tries to explain to her that the two of them were left behind because Kim knew she could trust them.  Kat is pissed because Douchezan keeps talking about her being a follower and that she doesn’t make any decisions for herself.  That’s sooooo not true.

I asked Kim and she told me that wasn’t true at all

She really does not want to go down as a weak player.  Stupid, fine.  But weak?  Hell no!

Sabrina proves she’s got something going on upstairs because she attempts to get the scoop on Douchezan’s current plan.  He, of course, talks about how Kim is just as strong a player as he is and her bond with Chelsea is going to be a tough nut to crack.  He tells Sabrina and Christina if they vote for Kim he will vote with them to get her outta there.

You’ve gotta know there’s no way that’s gonna happen

Christina thinks this could be a valid option which Sabrina does not like at all. She knows there is no way in hell that SHE’S going to work with Douchezan, and it bugs her that Christina was so easily interested in his plan.  She thinks Christina sways like the wind and she does not trust her AT ALL.

Kim, Chelsea and Abitchia return from reward and Kim makes what I think is another stupid move.  In trying to explain her choice of rewardmates, she complains to Kat that this has been THE hardest day for her out here and it’s no fun at all to get to choose who goes and who stays.

I could give a rat’s ass about your tough day.  I spent the day with DOUCHEZAN!!!!!!!!!!!!  And I had no one here to explain to me what the hell everyone was talking about!!!  My brain hurts.

Yeah, one thing you should never do is complain about how hard it is to go on a reward to someone you left behind.  They don’t give a shit about your tough choices, and they certainly don’t want to hear you whine about ANYTHING.  What she should have done is apologize and blow smoke up Kat’s ass about how she KNEW she’d be the one to keep everyone together and away from the evil Douchezan.

I think I made a boo boo.

DUH.

It’s raining the next day and everyone is huddled in the shelter trying to keep dry.  Suddenly Douchezan notices that a pig has wandered into camp.  The ladies get excited about the prospect of having some bacon or ham, so they run around chasing the pig.  Kim grabs a rope and Christina grabs the axe.  And then the most ridiculous pig hunt begins.  There’s a lot of screaming going on (none of it by the pig) and Douchezan tries to lasso the pig even though he clearly doesn’t know how to lasso anything.

Kim doesn’t really give a crap about actually catching the pig; she’s just glad that it’s seemed to break some of the tension at camp after her stupid reward challenge picks.  And here’s another sign that these guys have been given entirely too much food this season: someone suggests that they try to catch the pig so they can keep it for a pet.

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!!!

For real, Michael!  I wonder if previous Survivor’s watch this show now and think about how much easier life on the island has become.  Shit, we used to get starvation, scabies, eating bugs and other gross shit, getting nekkid for chocolate and peanut butter.  Ahhhh, memories.

Time for the immunity challenge.  Jeff takes the immunity necklace back from Douchezan who kisses it before handing it over.  Ugh.  He’s such a tool.

So, for this challenge, the castaways will be randomly paired off.  They’ll race, launching themselves down a big slip’n’slide grabbing rope rings along the way.  Once they make it to the end of the slip’n’slide, they’ll have a ring toss; first one to land one on a hook moves to the next round.  And so on and so forth until it’s down to two; winner of that round wins immunity.  Ready?

Begin!

Chelsea and Abitchia are up first, neither getting a great launch at the start of the slide.  They reach the end about the same time, but Chelsea nails the ring toss and easily moves on.  Abitchia and her saggy boobs take a seat on the bench.  Next up, Kat vs. Sabrina.  Sabrina maneuvers herself down the slip’n’slide first, but Kat is the first one to land one of her rings and so, she is the one moving on.

Douchezan and Tarzan face off next.  Douchezan makes it down the slide well ahead of Tarzan and throws and throws and throws; one after the other, very quickly.  On the other hand, Tarzan take more time getting down and also takes his time with each toss.  This pays off because he wins the round and knocks Douchezan out of the running for that immunity idol.

HAHAHAHA!  See ya sucker!

Douchezan is the good sport he ALWAYS is.

I fart in your general direction.

What a fucking baby!!

Christina goes against Kim next and Kim handily wins it.

What the hell is going on with Christina cooch that it requires blurring?  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

So it’s Chelsea, Kim, Kat, and Tarzan moving on to the second round.  This time they have to hook two rings.  First up are Chelsea and Kat.  Chelsea takes the win.  Kim goes up against Tarzan and this time his lack of speed works against him.  Kim wins the round.  Meanwhile, Douchezan is still facing away from all the action, refusing to watch any of the competition after he was knocked out.

Awwww……maybe he’s crying.  Quick!  Someone get him a tissue.

So it’s down to Kim and Chelsea.  This time they’re up to three rings.  Kim’s the first to the ring toss, but not by much.  Chelsea lands the first ring, but then boom! Boom! Boom!  Kim gets three in a row.  Kim wins immunity.

Everyone heads back to camp and it’s no surprise to hear that Douchezan is disappointed to have been knocked out of the running so early.  He takes a minute to remind himself that it’s not over yet and the rest of the tribe may think that he has a hidden immunity idol.  He knows they’ll split the vote, so he may have a chance if he plays his cards right.

Kim talks to Sabrina and Kat, saying they need to split the votes between Douchezan and Christina.  He rationale for picking Christina is she’s used to seeing votes for herself since she’s gotten so many in the past.  Kat’s not sure she’s okay with the plan because she’s tired of people telling her what to do.  “No one thinks that I’m the one running the show.”

Smartest thing you’ve said all season

Meanwhile, Sabrina channels Kat, finding Christina and telling her that they’ll be splitting the votes between her and Douchezan, you know, in case he has the immunity idol.

Um……..wouldn’t I go home in that case?

Huh?  What?  Um……I think I hear Kim calling me!  Gotta go!

Christina makes her way over to Kim, Chelsea, Abitchia, and Kat who are washing the oil from the challenge off and tells them about her little chat with Sabrina.  Abitchia can’t believe that Christina is okay with this plan because she will be the one going home if Douchezan has the idol.  She says that if she got a couple of votes all hell would break loose, but hey, Christina’s IQ is probably like a zero.  She’s a special ed teacher, so she handles Christina as one of her students.

She’s a dummy and I know dummies because I teach them all day long.

UGH.  I fucking hate her so much!!  I cannot believe the crap that comes out of her mouth and I’ll say again that I’m in shock that she’s a special ed teacher.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised.  Maybe she teaches in Cherry Hill.  She makes me want to puke.

Christina checks in with Douchezan.  She’s considering his plan because she doesn’t trust the girls 100%.  So she’s considering voting for Chelsea tonight.  Considering it and writing her name down are two entirely separate things.  I think we all know how the vote is going to go down, don’t we?

Everyone took their dummy pills today because Christina tells Douchezan that the votes are being split between her and him.  So now he knows if he can get three people to vote for Christina, he can beat the odds and stay.

Did she really just tell me that?!?!?

Tribal council.  Douchezan knows he’s in trouble.  That’s not saying much because a blind man could see he’s in trouble.  Sabrina admits that there’s been some discussion amongst the tribe about the pecking order, and Christina pipes up to say no one has brought her into any of those conversations.

That tells ya something, doesn’t it?

Chelsea clues her in that people have been talking about who is going to be in the top three since day one.  Just not to her.  Abitchia points out that Christina was voted most undeserving of being there and she thinks maybe people didn’t get a chance to know her, but Jeff shuts her down saying that they’ve had time to get to know her but chosen not to.

Jeff.  I thought you liked me.

You thought wrong.  I like dicks, not chicks.  Um.  I didn’t mean that in THAT way.  Really.

Douchezan says everyone knows Christina is at the bottom but no one will ever admit it.  He’s floored that the remaining six women all believe that they will be in the final three.  I think it may be the only time this season gets interesting: when they all have to turn on each other and the real alliances are flushed out.

Jeff brings up the reward challenge and I think Kim would spit on him if she could.  She admits that she worried leaving everyone back at camp with Douchezan because she knows he’s a good player and how influential he can be.  Which brings me back to my earlier point about her taking him on the reward since it would have removed him from the equation back at camp.  We know he did at least a little damage because Kat says again about how she felt like a weak player with him telling her she’s just a follower.

Time to vote.   We see Douchezan vote for Christina, hoping that someone screws up and votes for her instead of him, Christina votes for Chelsea, Kim votes for Douchezan.  The rest are saved for Jeff’s reveal, which goes a little something like this…..Chelsea, Douchezan, Douchezan, Douchezan, Christina, Christina, Christina, and………

Before he leaves he leans over to Kat and whispers to her, “Do it.”

Do what?  Tell me!  What I am supposed to do?!?!?!??

And then Jeff snuffs his torch and sends him on his way.

And that’s another one down, Gasmi.  What did you think of this episode?  Is there anyone left to cheer for at this point?  Who are you hoping to see make it to the end?

Thanks for your patience again this week.  Sometimes I overestimate the amount of things I’ll be able to accomplish in one day.  I PROMISE I’ll have next week’s recap done much, much faster.  As always, thanks for reading and chiming in with your thoughts.  Keep ‘em coming!  They’re the best part of my week!  See ya soon……

SWAK, PottyMouth

 

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