Survivor Recap: The Return of the Douche, Zan That Is

First of all Gasmi, I have to apologize for my tardiness this week.  Real life crap interfered with recapping fun, as it does sometimes.  Also, my sleep drool is starting to screw up my computer, so either this season had better start being more exciting, or Flipit needs to buy me a new laptop.

Dear Flipit, I’ve been a very well-behaved recapper this year.  Please, please, pretty please bring me a beautiful new laptop fully loaded with that software you can talk to and it types out what you say.  Oh.  And I’d also like a hypoallergenic pony.  SWAK, PottyMouth

Oooooo, I can’t wait to see what Santie Flipit brings me this year!

On to the show!

We rejoin Titty-caca at their camp after voting Jay out.  As you can imagine, Troyzan is not happy about this turn of events.  Sabrina says it is what it is and Christina tells him to try and take their gunning for him as a compliment.  He goes right after Christina, saying he thought she was on his side, but now it seems as if she never was.  She tries to explain why she didn’t vote with him, but he doesn’t really care about her reasons; he just wants to lash out at someone and she is the easy target.

I am Troyzan!  Hear me bitch and moan when things don’t go my way!!!

Shockingly, Abitchia actually stands up for Christina, telling Troyzan to leave her alone.  I know!  I was floored!!    It’s here that I decide to go back to my original nickname for him.  Douchezan doesn’t like Abitchia interrupting him and says he’s just asking a question.  Yeah, right.

I can harass whoever I want to harass dammit!

Abitchia doesn’t appreciate him getting an attitude with and thinks he’s just digging himself into a hole right now.  I think Abitchia is an asshole, but she’s not wrong here.  It’s one thing to be upset when a vote doesn’t go your way, but lashing out like this isn’t doing him any favors with the rest of his tribe.

Douchezan admits that he’s pissed that the girls have formed a power alliance.  His plan is to win all remaining immunity challenges so that they can’t vote him off.  It’s no team anymore, he says.  He’s no team player; it’s just Douchezan versus everyone else.

I’m a wolf pack of one!

The next morning he talks to Chelsea, trying to convince her that there are three or four other people that should go before they get rid of him.  She tries to explain to him that it’s not personal, just part of the game; she thinks that he should take it like a man.

Douchezan doesn’t think taking it like a man means laying down and accepting his fate.  He plans to fight for his right to surrrrrrrrvive!

Kick it!
You wake up late for Jeff, man you don’t wanna go
You ask your tribe, “Please?” but they still say, “No!”
You missed watch those asses do no real work
But they’ll vote you outta here like you’re some kind of jerk

You gotta fight, for your right, to surrrrrrrrVIVE!

He thinks this behavior is so typical of women; they use men to get what they need and then toss them out.  Yeah, that’s TOTALLY how women work; he’s a wise one, that Douchezan.  I’m just flabbergasted as to why they’d want to get rid of such a wise and rational person.

Time for tree mail.  Douchezan and Tarzan collect it and there is an envelope for everyone!  They each get $500, so it’s time for the Survivor auction!  Woo hoo!  These always have the potential to be fun.  Douchezan is really hoping to get something that will help him get further in the game while others are looking forward to snagging some food.  Because they’ve BARELY eaten all season.

I’m gonna buy me some food with a side of food.  On the side.  Of the food.

Titty-caca arrives at the auction and Jeff explains that the bidding will be done in increments of $20.  They cannot pool their money or share their items.  First up for bidding is a platter containing three donuts and a cup of iced coffee.  Kim and Chelsea both bid on it, but Chelsea takes the prize at $160.  Damn.  Those are some expensive donuts!

Next up, chips, guacamole and a margarita.  Abitchia, Kat and Sabrina all want it, but Sabrina wins bidding a whopping $400.

Hope there’s top shelf liquor in that drink!

Next, Leif buys a protein shake and a couple of bananas for $100.  A shower is next on the block and Abitchia starts out the bidding with $20 bucks.  Kat fails to comprehend the concept of increments of $20 and also bids $20.  Wait.  $23!  Special Ed teacher Abitchia lets her know that her bid would be forty.

Looks like I won’t be losing all my students when the show is over after all!!

In the meantime, Kim sneaks in a $40 bid and wins it.  Wow.  Tarzan creepily watches her get into the shower.  Now I feel like I need a shower too!!!

Kat buys a BLT sandwich, chips and iced tea for $180 dollars.  She is super excited to find out that there is bacon in it!

Guys!  Guys!!!  How awesome is it that my sandwich has BREAD on it?!?!?!?

Next up for auction is the infamous peanut butter and chocolate that somehow has the power to make the ladies go nuts.  I still remember Jenna and Heidi getting nekkid for some of that!  Kim doesn’t have to go that far, but she does interrupt her shower to come out and bid on and then collect her winnings.

She just wears a towel to do it

Awwwww……I’m sure the guys were super upset to miss out on seeing her skinny ass naked.  Hey, don’t judge!  Some guys are REALLY into Skeletor!

You know it, sista!

Jeff points out that Tarzan hasn’t even thought about bidding yet, and he says he has shocks on his jeep that need repairing.  What.  What???  They get to keep the money if they don’t use it?  Have we ever been told that before because I don’t recall ever hearing that.

Not that it matters, I’m just surprised I’ve never heard it before.  I think if the castaways could share their rewards someone would have voted Dr. Poopypants into the shower.  But not to share it with him!

Smelling like poop is perfectly healthy.

The next item up for bid is letters from home.  Abitchia immediately bids the max of $500 to get her letter. She opens it and reads the letter from her dad.  She’s crying as she reads it and everyone else is crying along with her.  This moment almost makes me like her.  Almost.

Since the price has been set at $500, only those who have not yet won anything can hope to get their letter too.  Tarzan buys his, but declines to read it in front of everyone else.

The next item up for bid is an advantage at the next immunity challenge.  Douchezan starts the bidding at $300.  I don’t know why he didn’t just go right to the $500, but there you go.  Chelsea, Kat and Sabrina want Christina to bid since she has all of her money left as well.  So she bids $360.  They go back and forth until Douchezan bids $420.  Abitchia is urging her to bid $500, but she stays quiet and lets the Douchezan win it.

Maybe now he’ll stop yelling at me

Ummmm, yeah, but the rest of the tribe will START.  What a moron.

Douchezan takes this win with sportsmanship and grace (HA!), slamming his fist down on the table in front of Jeff.  It’s everyone versus him, he tells Jeff, and he has no intention of going quietly.  Blah, blah, blah, we’ve already heard it.

Time for the last item.  It’s a whole strawberry shortcake which Kat wins for $160.  The catch is that it’s for the entire tribe to share, and they have only sixty seconds to eat what they can.  Cake shoving into faces ensues.

I have to admit, I miss the old Survivor auctions.  Remember when they’d bid on a covered plate, having no idea at all what was underneath?  Sometimes it’d be food that they loved, like the chocolate and peanut butter, but other times there would be nasty ass shit like cow brains, or bugs.  Why’s they stop doing that?  I liked that so much better because there was always a gamble involved in bidding.

Once back at camp, Douchezan opens his note containing his immunity challenge advantage.  It tells him that he gets to skip the first stage of the next challenge increasing his odds of winning from 1 in 9 to 1 in 4.  Obviously he’s happy to have this advantage, and I can’t help wondering WHY Cristina basically gave it to him when she could have totally won it.  Is she trying to play both sides?  Did she feel guilty for not voting with him?  Did she space out for a minute and forget to bid?

I would have totally done that!

Yes, we know.

Douchezan tells us that you cannot mess with him.  Except clearly you can.  Since he played his immunity idol at the last tribal, he’s on a mission to find a new one.  He doesn’t try to hide that fact from the rest of his tribe; he’s hoping that if he doesn’t find one he can at least make them think he’s found one.

Kim thinks they should ALL look for the idol since there are more of them, they have better odds of finding it first.  Douchezan notices that Kim’s watching him closely, so he makes a show of putting something in his pant pocket.  The women notice that he seems to be acting cocky, so they think he just might have found it.  Kim’s not thrilled about this because she knows he could also win individual immunity.  She’s hoping they can get rid of him before he does something crazy that might send her home.

Famous last words?????

Time for the immunity challenge.

It’s yet another recycled challenge, well, to be fair, an amalgam of recycled challenges.  Is it me or has the ratio of new to recycled challenges been dismally low this year?  So anyway….the first round will involve untying a giant mass of knots.  The first four finished here will move on to the second round.  Well really, first three plus Douchezan.

In the next round, they will run up and down a stack of crate-like stairs, bouncing a coconut off a trampoline to try and knock out three targets.  The first two to succeed will move on to the final round which is a replay of coconut tic tac toe.  First person to connect three squares in a row wins immunity.

Once Jeff explains the rules, he has Douchezan share with the group the advantage he won at the auction.

They are SOOOOOO thrilled

So, he gets to sit out and wait to see who will be joining him in round two.  Ready?  GO!

Jeff engages in his usual constant chatter, letting us know that it’s super close because we are unable to see that for ourselves.  Tarzan is the first to finish, followed by Kim and Christina.  Time for round 2.  Tarzan knocks out one of his targets on his first try.  Then Douchezan gets one of his, followed by another.  Kim gets a target, and then SHE gets another one.  Tarzan gets his second target, and then Douchezan is the first to knock out all three.

“This is my island.  You can’t beat me.”

Chelsea puts my thoughts into words as she tells him to shut up.  I’d have added a fuck in there as well.  Tarzan ends up hitting his last target and so Dr. Poopypants is the tribe’s last hope for salvation.

He craps out and the douche takes the win.

UGH.  He’s so fucking full of himself.  He tells the tribe that they shouldn’t fuck with him and he’s gonna keep going just like this.  Chelsea is all BRING IT.  And he tries to tell them that they are scared of him.

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

He says he’s been going 50% and now he’s like Let’s Go!  Some needs to pop him in the mouth with one of those coconuts.  Listen, I understand about overcoming the odds and all, but you’d think he would try not to be a giant twatwaffle.  I mean, I’d have thought he’d want to try to get SOMEONE on his side.  Nope.  It’s just his “competitive nature” coming out.  Whatever.

Once back at camp, Tarzan tries to help the douche out.  He tells him if he wins he should try to be noble.  Otherwise it just looks bad.

Hey dude, I stink like a mother fucker and you’ve got even me smelling like a bed of roses.  Or stinkweed.  You get my point.

Douchezan doesn’t care; he’s frustrated that everyone is against him and says again that this is his competitive nature coming out.  Bleh.  I hate when people are assholes and try to chalk it up to being competitive.

Without question he’s happy to have won immunity.  He knows that now the rest of them will be scrambling and that paranoia is going set in with at least a few people.  “This is like their worst case scenario.”

Chelsea and Kim touch base about the vote. They don’t want to vote out a girl. Chelsea thinks if they take a girl out this time around, it would do nothing but create chaos and paranoia and that’s the last think they need right now. So they know that they have to vote out Leif or Tarzan.

While this is going on, Leif and Tarzan are in the water where Tarzan is helping Leif wash off the paint he put all over his face for the challenge.

Was there a reason I missed for the face painting???

Leif asks Tarzan if he is slated to be the next to go.  No one has talked to Tarzan about that.  That thought doesn’t seem to make either one of them feel any better.

Now Douchezan is ready to work on his master plan.  He wants to get Abitchia, Tarzan, Leif, and Christina to join up with him and vote out Kim.  He tells us he’s planning on telling them they are at the bottom of that alliance and they can go further with him.  It’s actually not a bad plan; he’s just got to get them all to go along with him.  Isn’t Abitchia super close with Kat?

I hate everyone, including myself

Sorry, I forgot.

He goes to each of them explaining his plan.  Abitchia thinks he may be on to something.  She realizes that Douchezan could in fact go on an immunity run and if he does, she’s thinking it might be good to be on his side so that he’ll think about taking her to the end with him.  Because that kind of gameplay ALWAYS results in a winner, right?

Douchezan is really hoping that he’s won the others over to his plan because the time to strike with it really is now.

Tribal council.

Everyone arrives and Jeff jumps right in to Douchezan’s asshatty behavior.  He once again says that it’s just his competitive juices coming out and that’s just the way that he plays.

Ewwwwwww……no one wants to think about your juices.

Sabrina says she thinks Douchezan is a great competitor, but he’s also lost sight that in order to win this game you also need to be somewhat likeable.  Douchezan doesn’t like being told what to do by a woman Sabrina.  Back and forth and forth and back the two of them go while everyone else pretty much sits back and listens.

You guys are soooooooo immature

Douchezan brings up his master plan for Christina, Leif, Tarzan, Abitchia and himself to vote out Kim, saying it bring down the power alliance of Sabrina, Kim, Chelsea and Kat.  Christina admits that it’s an interesting proposition, but is not sure she really trusts him.  I think she’s scared she’d be the only one to vote with him and that’d putting a huge target on her back.

Abitchia says she’s not sure that now is the time to make a big move and switch up alliances.

Time to vote.  We get ALL the votes from Jeffrey tonight.  First one, Leif.  Another for Leif.  A third vote for Leif.  Then Kim.  Another for Kim, followed by one for Tarzan.  Tarzan gets a second vote and then a third.  And the final vote goes to…..

Bye bye little guy.  Ease on down the road now.

And there you have it, Gasmi.  I can’t say I’m sorry to see Leif go; he didn’t really do anything of note throughout the game.  What did you think of the vote?  Were you hoping that the lower runged castaways would band together and vote out Kim?  Do you think Douchezan has earned back that nickname?  Are you as bored as I am by this season?

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on those questions and whatever else you’d like to gnaw over, so get to it!!

SWAK, PottyMouth

 

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