Survivor Recap

Between the mandatory prayer circles and Ozzy’s Messiah complex, this season of Survivor is turning out to have more religious undertones (well, really, overtones) than usual.  Will Coach continue to require prayer as a way to hide his lies?  Will Ozzy indeed be the savior of his tribe, or will Christine nail him?  Well. Let’s dig in and find out!

Savaii returns to camp after going along with Ozzy’s plan to vote him out.  CockRing is happy it’s not him heading over to Redemption Island because he knows that Christine would kick his pasty white ass all over the place.

The face of a man that knows he dodged a bullet

Now everyone is hoping that Ozzy can beat Christine.  Everyone on Savaii, that is.  I’m hoping she beats HIS ass and sends him packing because that would be HILARIOUS.  Keith is pissed and thinks CockRing is a coward for allowing Ozzy to go there instead of him.  That’s not how he lives HIS life, you know.  He doesn’t have other people fight his battles for him.

Except when they’re willing to go to Redemption Island instead of me

Keith is an asshole.  Isn’t he letting Ozzy fight HIS battles too????  Dick.

Part two of Savaii’s master plan involves CockRing becoming a double agent and pretending to align with the other tribe.  He asks what he should tell the other tribe when they ask about ties over here; Keith tells him to say whatever he wants.  I hope he tells them what an ass Keith is.  His Savaii tribemates are hoping he can pull it off, but he has faith in his acting ability, after all, he tells us, he’s pretended to like THESE people for the last eighteen days.

And then he does the worst Pacino impression I’ve ever seen.

Meanwhile at Redemption Island, Ozzy arrives and wakes Christine up to sell her on his CockRing is an asshole who played the idol against me story.  She buys it.  But then it doesn’t seem to me that Christine would be too hard to sell; she seems like someone who is prone to look at the worst in others.

Not without reason

Ozzy is happy that she seems to have his bought his story.  Now all he has to do is beat her at the challenge and convince her old tribe that everyone is mad at CockRing.  He tells us that this move is either the stupidest thing he could have done or the craziest, ballsiest thing he could have ever imagined doing.

I don’t think it’s an either/or situation.

My hopes that the merge doesn’t happen as they thought are dashed as soon as I see that both entire tribes are here to witness the duel.  Plllbbbpt.  Jeff is apparently here to play his part as he asks Ozzy if he’s surprised to be on Redemption Island.

Mad?!?!?!?  I’m OUTRAGED!!  I’m Soooooooooo Angry.  I’m like mega mad.

He does his best to sell the story of how CockRing blindsided him and he super hates him now, but Ozzy is a fucking terrible actor.  He should have taken some lessons before he came out here because his porno stint sure didn’t help.

While he’s going off dramatically about CockRing, Albert leans over to Benjamin and tells him that he’s not buying it.

Ahhhh…..not just a pretty face

Time for the challenge; it’s one we’ve seen before.  Each player will use sticks tied together to make a pole.  Then they will use the pole to retrieve three keys that they will use to unlock three locks.  First person done wins and rejoins the game.  Loser is gone forever.  Well, until the reunion at least.

Ready?  GO!

Christine and Ozzy work on putting their poles together.  Christine is the first one to try and use hers to get a key.  Her pole is long enough, but not strong enough and comes undone.  So it’s back to pole building for Christine.

Ozzy’s now ready to give his pole a try.  He hooks one of the keys but it drops before he can get it back to him.  Christine tries again and again her pole is not strong enough.  Ozzy is able to get his key that fell on the ground, leaving him two more keys.

Christine keeps trying, but she quickly falls behind as Ozzy is able to get his two remaining keys rather quickly.  At this point we all know that Ozzy is going to win and win he does.  UGH.  I hate t when an egomaniac’s plan comes together.

And so Christine leaves after an impressive run on Redemption Island, warning everyone to stand back as she throws her buff into the fire.  And then…..

MERGE.

Are you kidding me?!?!?  Of course Ozzy is thrilled that his plan worked and tells us that now he’s hoping CockRing will be able to infiltrate Loopholo and take the advantage, the lead, and the victory.

As is customary at merge time, the tribes gather for a feast.  Everyone talks and gets to know each other, but as Jim tells us, it’s really game on right away because it’s six-six.

Here’s to the slaughter to come!

Benjamin pulls CockRing aside to talk to him.  CockRing is ready to play his part and immediately starts telling Benji about how badly his tribe treated him.  Benjamin counters by telling CockRing he’s not buying Savaii’s story.  He lays it out so precisely that I think someone had to have clued him in to the plan.

Ozzy is a crappy actor; you never should have let him talk.

I think I just soiled myself a little

He tells CockRing that he thinks Ozzy wanted to go to Redemption and was not blindsided.  Furthermore, he wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they have an immunity idol right this very minute.  He thinks they’re going to vote down tribal lines and assures CockRing that his tribe WILL stay together which will cause everyone to have to go to rocks.

It’s like you’re reading my mind!

But Benjamin is not done yet.  He now gets a little further into CockRing’s head, telling him he has known what it’s like to be persecuted for his intelligence.

Mensa laughed when I showed up for the annual meeting.  I guess I was too smart for them.

And here I thought people only made fun of him for narrowly avoiding having his bunghole eaten by ferocious pygmies.  He tells CockRing that he now has a chance to change the game for himself.

CockRing is no dummy; he knows his tribe barely tolerates his presence.  He’s thinking about what Benji said which means Benji is at least a little smarter than I’ve given him credit for being.  Later, CockRing reconvenes with Benji, Albert and Sophie and spills the beans that Ozzy did indeed want to go to Redemption Island.

Told ya!

Now CockRing talks to HantzyPantzy who assures him that they will keep him safe from the wrath of his tribemates should he turn.

Whether he turns or not, CockRing has decided to keep his promise to Ozzy and returns the idol to him.  I’d say that’s a stupid move except for the fact that it doesn’t alert anyone on his tribe about his thoughts of flipping.  He thinks that this is the first time his fate in the game is in his own hands; he is the person right now that can decide how the rest of the season take shape.

I HAAAAVE the POWER!!!

Later, Dawn and CockRing go off together to get the treemail.  Dawn asks him what his plans are for the game.  He’s honest and tells her he’s going to vote with Savaii for the first vote at least, but he thinks he’s going to vote with Loopholo after the tie.  I mean, what loyalty does he owe them after they’ve been so crappy to him?

It depends.  On what? I’ll tell ya later.

Dawn starts to cry as he’s talking.  She’s upset because she didn’t stand up to the rest of the tribe when they were picking on CockRing.  She says this game is tough because you’re supposed to be looking out for yourself at the expense of others which doesn’t feel right to her; especially in the case of CockRing who she thinks is a really good kid.

Time for the first individual immunity challenge.  The newly merged tribe arrives and Jeff wants to know their new name.  It’s Te Tuna, based on the story of how the coconut came to be, Keith tells him.  That has to be one of the stupidest explanations yet!

He takes back the tribe immunity idol before unveiling the individual immunity idol necklace which they’ll now all be playing for.  But it’s two necklaces.  You see, this time around there will be immunity for one guy and one girl.  WHY?  If you’re going to have two, why not for the two people who last the longest?  Do they think there is gender bias in this challenge and since when did anyone give a crap about that?

I sure as shit don’t

This challenge coincidentally involves coconuts.  Each person will balance on a small perch while holding their nut between two ropes.  At intervals the rope will be lengthened which Jeff tells us will make it harder to hold onto the nuts.  Last man and woman holding their nut wins immunity.

The challenge starts and Edna drops out almost immediately for letting the nut touch her body.  Seconds later, CockRing loses his balance and falls off his perch, disqualifying him also.  Everyone else survives the first round.

At the start of the second round each remaining players lengthens the ropes holding their nuts, causing Whitney to drop out as soon as the round begins, leaving only Sophie and Dawn up for the women’s necklace.

Dawn wins!

It’s just the guys left now, minus CockRing.  Benjamin drops out first, followed by Rick and then Jim and Keith.  Albert, HantzyPantzy and Ozzy are the only ones left and they all have to add more rope to their nutholder.  Hantzy drops out and then there are only two.  And the guy able to hold on to his nut the longest is…..

EH.

Jeff rejoices!

Back at camp Savaii is in fine spirits as both individual immunities are being worn by their group.  So who should they vote for on Loopholo?  Unbeknownst to him, Rick draws the short straw.  Ozzy and Jim check with the rest of the tribe that they’re all good, Ozzy checking in again with CockRing who could not possibly look guiltier if he tried.

Of course I’m with you guys, why would you ask me that?  Do I look like I’m not with you?  ‘Cause I TOTALLY am.  For real.  Pinkie swear.  No I do not have my fingers crossed behind my back!

These guys are ready to go to rocks and feel like the odds are in their favor since Ozzy and Dawn have immunity.  They decide to help themselves even more and decide that they will give Whitney the hidden idol, taking her off the block as well.  Their thinking is that Loopholo will want to throw their votes her way leaving Keith and Jim eligible for the rock pick.

CockRing’s not thrilled about the going to rocks plan.  He loves this game but doesn’t respect reducing his game to a game of chance in pulling a rock out of a bag.  So he goes to Sophie and spills the beans about Rick and the plan to give Whitney the hidden immunity idol.  He says he’s nervous about switching, not knowing how his former tribe will react.

I think you know and I know that they’re gonna kick your ass

Sophie is not telling them who Loopholo is voting for; after all, you never can tell if someone is really going to flip or not and they don’t want to get played.  This is exactly why I like her.  She will say that she’s fairly confident that CockRing will flip based on how nervous he is, and Benjamin says they have no choice right now than to trust CockRing because the odds are not in their favor.

I sure hope that little dweeb comes through for us

Dawn checks back in with CockRing, but this time around her attitude has changed.  She now thinks they should stick with their original tribe.  Huh.  It’s so funny how that happened AFTER she won individual immunity, isn’t it?

HYPOCRITE

She tells him she will not tell anyone else that he’s even thinking about switching, but she hopes that he will think about it before he does anything rash.  She warns him that he may not be able to trust Loopholo and that his actions could start a war.

Now CockRing is rethinking the situation again.  He says it’s a tough choice: should he go with the people that have been kind of rude to him for the past twenty-one days or does he ditch the entire rock scenario, jump tribal lines, and possibly cost himself a million dollars because so many people will be mad at him?

That’s not the only reason you’ll lose

When they get back to camp, Dawn lays down next to Jim and I was sure that she was gonna spill the beans.  But it doesn’t look like she did.  Huh.  I wonder how much trouble she’ll be in when/if they find out.

No more time for talk; it’s time for tribal council.  Both Benjamin and Ozzy tells Jeff that they expect a tie vote tonight based on old tribal lines.  Ozzy is overjoyed that he and Dawn won individual immunity sine that results in two less people from their tribe having to pick rocks.  Albert is curious to see if Savaii plays a hidden immunity idol since he wasn’t quite buying Ozzy’s story at Redemption.

Dude.  You suck at acting

Fine.  I have it.  Happy?

Yes.  Dumbass.

Yep, that is not a joke.  Ozzy counters by announcing that he does, well THEY DO indeed have the idol.  Such a strategic mastermind!  He warns Loopholo that they’re likely to use it tonight.  Benjamin gives CockRing a sly little wink as Jeff tells them it’s time to vote.

Before the vote is reads Ozzy hands over the hidden immunity idol for Whitney’s use.  No votes will count against Whitney.  As expected, the votes are tied.  Six for Rick, but surprise, surprise!  Whitney doesn’t get any votes.  Instead, Keith gets the six Loopholo votes.

Huh?

So now that we’re tied, it’s time for a second vote.  Now they can only vote for Rick or Keith and Jeff tells them if anyone is thinking about switching their vote, now is the time to do it.  Everyone votes again.

WHAT WILL COCKRING DO??????

Jeff reads the votes:  Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick……..

Bwahahahahahahaha!

You gotta admit, whether it turns out to be a good move or not, the looks on their smug faces were AWESOME.

Sadly, CockRing can’t even own the move, turning around to Ozzy and Jim telling them he can explain.  Jim calls him a coward.  A couple of times.  HantzyPantzy is CockRing’s knight in shining armor, telling Jim not to talk to him like that; “That’s what you get for talking to people like that in the first place.”  And then he tells CockRing to stay close to him.  Hopefully this won’t result in Hantzy later telling us that CockRing is flaunting himself around camp.

I’m good at snuggling

And there you have it, Gasmi.  What did you think of CockRing’s move?  Were you disappointed that he sought immediately to excuse it with his former tribemates?  What about Dawn’s change in attitude after her immunity win?

I can’t wait to hear what you think about this episode.  Even more, I can’t wait to see what the fallout of CockRing’s decision is going to be!  From the clips they show it looks like his former tribe isn’t going to try and make nice with him, but instead will try to beat him down farther.  Maybe not the smartest move in the world.

See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth

P.S.  Flipit sent me this story which helps validate CockRing’s decision, if he believes what he’s told. CockRing Article.

P.P.S.  My apologies for the lateness of this recap; I had to work unexpectedly over the weekend.  Grrrrr………