Survivor: Rice-a-Robbie

Survivor

By Moorels | Tuesday, April 5, 2011 | 12:00 pm | 32 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Survivor


Night 16. Steve is talking about how feelings were aired, which is also a complaint my roommate typically has the morning after. ZING. Dave tells us that he really wanted to make known the fact that he stood apart from the dominant alliance. So…good job, Dave? Maybe he needs to review the rules.

7.1dave

“You win when everyone else on your team writes your name down, right?”

Steve is like, yeah, let’s vote out idiot Dave next. Sarita says she knew it. Yes, the entertainment of a single and unchallenged alliance, everyone. Steve just wants him to set his emotions aside until they vote him out.

Over on RI, oh, Stephanie is still here. She’s talking about food and Matt is talking about Jesus. Man, I wonder why they were voted out.

Phillip and Rob are going to RI. Phillip reasserts that he no longer trusts Rob and starts talking about some book which says you let your enemy think he has the upper hand. I LOVE Phillip. Sorry, I’m a little drunk.

Rob says Phillip is dangerous, and he doesn’t just mean as a challenge for screen time. At RI, Jeff sucks Matt’s dick for awhile and then says that the duel today is all about memory.  So it’s basically time for the most dramatic game of Concentration ever.

7.2find

It’s a good thing they don’t need to find strategy or basic social skills, or they’d be out there forever. ZING.

Stephanie wins Rock Paper Scissors and let’s Matt go first, who would need crazy luck to get a match on the first round. But we’re talking about Matt here, Mr. Jesus, and so of course he gets it. But Stephanie also gets a match on the first round, because apparently shrill harpies have the same powers as God. So then there’s more matching for like twenty minutes, and in a phrase of just been copying and pasting over and over again since episode 3, Matt wins one for religion.

7.25rob

“Oh, fuck.”

When you think about it, this was basically the most dramatic duel of the season so far. Not counting the one where we all wanted Russell to go away for ever. Either one of these people coming back would be a pretty rough scenario for the dominant alliance on both tribes. You could tell that everyone watching this duel was WAY invested in the outcome. So nice job producers? I guess this was actually a pretty interesting gimmick.

So Stephanie imitates her hero Russell and starts crying (STILL in a more manly way, it’s worth noting) and then does the thing I think should be illegal where she tells Ralph to vote out Sarita ASAP and warns Rob of what’s coming. THE PLAYER VOTED OUT MUST LEAVE THE TRIBAL COUNCIL AREA IMMEDIATELY, JEFF.

7.4storm

The only storm is the one coming out of her eyes and nose.

Bye Stephanie! I’m sure you’ll be invited back to an All-Star season to mismanage your game from Day 1 again!

Now it’s time for Phillip to talk about Matt, and he compares Matt’s behavior with the samurai code. I don’t even know what to say anymore about how he is one of my favorite players ever. Matt tells Rob that he won another one, which is the closest Matt will EVER get to trash-talking.

Phillip asks Rob if he wants to withhold any info, and Rob is like uh, no. Which would be a warning sign but in theory Phillip is already planning to blindside Rob. Then when he’s alone with the group he tells them they need to make sure to stay strong and vote Phillip out if they lose. He says he’s planning on “frontsiding” Phillip.

7.5rob

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why Rob Mariano gets four seasons and we get zero.

Over at Zapatera, Dave defends Stephanie’s behavior and when he wanders away Ralph tells them all that Dave is going to flip also. And then there’s some hilarious commentary on the sliminess of lawyers from Ralph.

Zapatera has a heated argument about weather patterns and fish, which is about as intense as things get at Zapatera these days. Sarita hates Dave and Julie does an impression of him that sounds more like Sue Hawk.

But hold onto your hats, because it’s time to get ramped up at Ometepe. Let me break it down for you: Because Rob is God, he gets dibs on all the crispy rice at the bottom of the pot. Because Phillip wants to be God, he wants some of the crispy rice. Because Natalie and Ashley are the girls that made us all who we are today in high school, they aren’t having any of it. Because Grant is also way too nice for this game he offers some to Phillip, and because Andrea is actually trying to be smart she says nothing.

Then Phillip gets an awesome confessional (which is another phrase I’ve copying and pasting a lot) about how asinine the girls are and, in a direct message to Amber, how they literally sleep in his underwear. And then he gets scary and intones “the first chance I have to get rid of him, I WILL.” His confessional goes on for like five minutes as he gets more and more passionate about the division in the tribe and how hard he works and how he’s there to stay and the editors add in epic cymbal clashes and there’s no way I could translate it as awesomely to print.

Let it be noted that as much as I love Rob, I hope to GOD that this is building up to Phillip blindsiding him, because as amazing as Rob is at this game, his fatal flaw is that he can’t connect with the lunatic personalities that make this game what it is. In All-Stars, he lost the vote to Amber because he didn’t make Lex and Kathy and Big Tom feel like they actually mattered. In Heroes vs. Villains, Coach flipped on him because he didn’t make Coach feel secure and like he actually mattered. And I think that’s EXACTLY what’s happening again. How hard would it be for Rob to spend an extra hour each day building up Phillip’s ego and making him think that they had a super-secret alliance?

Challenge time. It’s a pretty standard obstacle course where you need to shoot six balls into a basket at the end. Playing for immunity and big feast, including alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages (for Natalie, who I forgot probably thinks she is in high school).

7.6natalie

“This is just, like, one really long PE class right? I’m going to ask Rob to the Sadie Hawkins dance.”

The highlights include Jeff finally getting to yell “Rob working quickly on that first bag of balls” and Phillip blowing an early lead to Zapatera but then Ometepe just pulling it out in the end. Yay more Phillip! It’s been nice rooting for you, Zapatera Six.

So now it’s helicopter feast time for Ometepe. Rob says this was one of the coolest rewards he’s ever been on because the reward is on top of a volcano. As long as we don’t have to watch Jane sled down it, I’m happy. Grant talks about bonding with his tribe because he’s nice and Phillip says he’s actually feeling good. Rob finds the clue AGAIN because no one else is really playing and then hurls it into the volcano without reading it. Again, why not use that to build trust with Phillip? That’s the sort of thing that is going to build Rob Mariano’s 4th loss.

Zapatera talks about how they’re going to have to lose Dave the Puzzle Master (what puzzle has he EVER put together? I don’t understand where this rep came from) and Sarita wanders around campaigning to vote him out. Dave says he’s worried that he’s next out, again because he voted against Sarita like an idiot.

Mike and Steve say that Sarita might be the better choice because of challenge performance. So it’s that same question of challenge performance versus loyalty. They need to remember that it’s almost merge time, so at some point you need to bank on keeping loyalty. As we’ll see later, Dave would have been a MUCH better choice to eliminate based on next week’s merge, because now you also have him as an alleged Puzzle Master to beat in challenges.

Tribal Council time. Jeff does his usual thing where he makes a loss seem like the end of the world and then turns into a huge dick. He acts Ralph why they lost, then mocks him for giving excuses.

7.7jeff

This is everything I cannot stand about Jeffrey Probst.

Then Jeff says that since they got rid of Russell, they’ve lost three out of four. OH MY GOD JEFF GET OVER IT. He then turns it back over to Dave and lets him talk about their lack of cohesion, especially compared with the other tribe. Well yes, it would be easier if you had all developed cult-like around Russell and let him determine the boot order.

Jeff asks Ralph about cohesion, who says he doesn’t know what that word means. Damnit, why do I like Ralph so much? Jeff asks if he would rather have strong guys that don’t get along or weaker guys with good teamwork. Jeff, you get paid to ask dickish questions and shout out fairly obvious observations, don’t pretend like you know what it’s like for the blue collar folk. Ralph says he wants the strong ones because the weaker ones will talk and socialize instead of working. It’s not a good analogy because the work place doesn’t have an ultimate individual goal (in theory), and for that I blame Jeff. But thanks for calling him out, Ralph.

7.8hr

The Zapatera Panel on Human Resources and Organizational Behavior, coming soon to a Hilton Conference Room near you.

To quote Naonka, can we vote yet? Jeff asks if Dave is reconsidering his idiotic support of Steph and Krista, and he says yes but turns it into a sign of loyalty. Then he and Sarita have an argument about the Six versus the Russell Cult, and we get it it’s going to be one of you two let’s vote.

And let me just say I agree with Sarita, and if not for Dave’s stupid reputation as the Puzzle Master, I think he would be gone instead of what’s about to happen.

Vote time, and it’s Sarita 4-2. Thanks for hanging in there Ralph. Also, Sarita didn’t bring her stuff so she is sad.

Next week is apparently the last duel, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t rooting for Sarita. Matt is WAY too nice not to just fold back into the Rob followers. And then it’s merge time! March to the end, Phillip!

About

Moorels enjoys hiking, cross-county skiing, and long walks on the beach. Haha, jk, jk, he enjoys watching TV, making fun of people, and eating. He thanks God he found a blogging position that caters to all three. Right now he's living it up Southern-California style, and when he's not mocking accomplished celebrities he likes to drink and attend college. They're not mutually exclusive.

32 Comments

  1. 1
    Mister Dangerous
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    “OH MY GOD JEFF GET OVER IT” was the funniest thing in your recap. [It was funny last week too.]

    BTW: I was looking at the Survivor bios and Grant & Dave both live in West Hollywood which means they’ve probably dated each other!

  2. 2
    Moli Moli
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHA-So Stephanie imitates her hero Russell and starts crying (STILL in a more manly way, it’s worth noting). I swear I love Phillip more and more……I don’t even noticed the now faded cotton candy colored manpanties anymore:) He’s Coach 2.0!!!!

  3. 3
    Moli Moli
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    I swear Franscakitty would have added even more to this season, between her AND Phillip with a side of Ralph…..TV gold. Phillip and Ralph are my current favs, who doesn’t like [quotation mark] Federal Agents[/quotation mark] and a Ginger Hill Billy in overalls AND a man sweater. Survivor better stay on point this week……Celebrity Apprentice and Drag Race were wonderful. I have no faith in Fat People Crying..oops Biggest Loser being awesome this week (or any week in the last few seasons)

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    I am offically ready for a Phillip vs. Coach season. It would be hysterical.

    Also, Rob tossing the clue into the volcano may have been the funniest moment in Survivor history…next to Lisi’s Face Plant.

  5. 5
    itchy
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    I’m pretty sure the last time I played a 16-piece game of concentration, it was when my kid was 3 years old. No, come to think of it, we started with a 24-piece version.

    This is why the whole Redemption “Island” thing is such a bust. It’s just boring and every week the “challenges” (i.e., children’s games) get lamer and lamer. I’m guessing that next week’s challenge will feature a bunch of blocks with letters on them.

    My current theory is that CBS hired some overpaid management consultant to help it save a few bucks. One of the suggestions was to streamline the challenge creation teams for the networks various reality shows. Instead of keeping the old — and awesome — Survivor team, they went with the idiots from Big Brother (who have already started working for the Amazing Race for the past couple of seasons).

    By the time they’re done watering down this show, it will have moved to its own soundstage in Beverly Hills.

    And no, I don’t share the love for Philip, he’s just a clown. Although I might be willing to change my mind if he can successfully negotiate a Rob ouster. I can’t believe Rob’s still in the game — and I find it even harder to believe he’ll survive the merge for very long.

  6. 6
    Bioscotto
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    This season is probably the best in a little while. Phillip is priceless.

    I am also tired of Probst :P Getting rid of Russell had nothing to do with anything other than pleasing the entire world! Except for Jeff…and that’s weird…

  7. 7
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    I cannot stand Rob. I never could on any of his seasons. Between his over inflated ego and the fact that he does fuck-all, HATE. I really really really hope he gets blindsided… again. I hate how he acts like such a dickbag because he thinks he is smarter than everyone else and completely untouchable. What a douche!

  8. 8
    considerthis
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Probst needs to enforce the rules @ Redemption Island in that either it is a free for all where the ousted one can babble at will for a set amount of time OR STFU and Get the Fuck Out.

    Why is nobody on Onetempe tribe even trying to look for the clue(s) or Hidden Immunity Idol?

    Why does Probst not consistently ask if anybody is going to play the HII at Tribal Council?

    Very insightful analysis as to Rob’s failure to bond/validate the nutcases usually leads to his demise – true dat!

    With the merge looming you need loyalty over a flip flopping puzzel? master? should have kept Sarita.

  9. 9
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    I don’t understand the talk about how Probst allows some to talk and not others. I have yet to see him shut someone up if they want to say something. It just so happens that only Russell and Stephanie have wanted to say stuff (at least that got televised). But really? They were the two most talkative anyway of the people that have gotten voted off. Probst didn’t stop that blond chick wasshername from saying how her and Matt had prayed together or whatever and giving her bible to him.

  10. 10
    carol
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Rob tossing the clue into the volcano is more proof that he knows what game he is playing. He is not only playing the game on the island but one with the viewers/producers. He is providing good entertainment (or at least what they are showing).

    Okay, this weeks RI challenged seemed a bit easy but after reading the recap and comments and thinking a bit, Matt must be super sleep deprived and a bit on the hungry side and maybe going crazy being alone all the time (does the camera person only show up when the new person comes? what does matt do the rest of the time?). This type of game might seem easy when in a normal situation but it might actually be challenging for the contestants at this point in the game.

  11. 11
    itchy
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 12:26 am

    It doesn’t matter how difficult a challenge might be for them, they’re just hamsters in a cage running about for OUR entertainment. And, really, Concentration? Really? How about a game of Bingo next? For that matter, I could be back in the States, watching my mom play mah-jong with the ladies.

  12. 12
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 1:20 am

    YOu know what they were missing at the end of that?… the REBUS PUZZLE! THAT’S what woulda stumpted ‘em!

    love, J-Mo :)

  13. 13
    itchy
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 2:43 am

    Ooh oooh, Spot the 10 differences!

  14. 14
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 3:31 am

    Man, if they get a sudoku, they’re fucked!

  15. 15
    Drew Glindemann
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 4:47 am

    I like David solely because I hate the other members of his tribe

    also like matt and Andrea (one of these two will win for sure, I garuntee it)

    And phillip is a hoot

  16. 16
    Jess30
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 5:31 am

    I’m not done reading yet but Rob’s “front siding” comment was CLASSIC. IF I didn’t like him already, that may have been enough to change my mind!!

  17. 17
    Horace
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 7:36 am

    Wow, lamest article I’ve read in a while. Another waste of a blog filled with unfunny sarcasm and populated with comments from your group of friends which only encourage you to do it again next week. My bad for finding it in the first place.

  18. 18
    Clair Clair
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 10:45 am

    I thought “front siding” was incorrectly used. Wasn’t he trying to say the opposite of “blind siding”? That would be “sight siding”.

  19. 19
    Moli Moli
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Yayyyyyy a HATER! It is very easy to run along to your previous and obviously boring recap site. Wait, is that you Russell? If so please oh please read ever single recap with you in it.

  20. 20
    Moli Moli
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Bwahahahahahahahahaha ‘sight siding’ Clair I never thought of that! I when I watched I said now everyone will start using the term ‘front siding’. It’s possible during the ‘snuggling’ Rob got ‘back sided’ by Mr. Crazy Phil.

  21. 21
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Clair, I didn’t even think about that. Sight siding… lol!!

    Horace, I don’t know Moorels from a hole in the ground, and yet I like the recaps. I guess that means you lose. Please take your dickbaggery elsewhere. Kthxbye.

  22. 22
    Bioscotto
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    It’s so exciting! I’ve been reading this site for a few months now, and this is the first troll I’ve seen! TVGASM IS MOVING UP IN THE WORLD! Hoorah!

    (For the record, I know NO ONE here personally…so…yay for that!)

  23. 23
    Moli Moli
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Shyt there aren’t even Philly people that I know of on the site, Philly people don’t let me know you’re here……I like feeling special!!!!!! Adding my very late 2 cents.

  24. 24
    zbird
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    To all my BFFs: Shhhhh. Don’t let Snootchy, Bioscotto, and Moli know that the rest of us are so tight that we are actually all doing body shots at Moorel’s house right at this moment. Don’t wanna hurt their feelings.

  25. 25
    zbird
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Oops, I meant Moorels’ house. But you know I love ya homes, even though I misspelled your name. I just had one too many shots — oh, looks like it’s time for beer pong! You’re up, Itchy!

  26. 26
    Bioscotto
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Lol…you put it together, I’m there :D

  27. 27
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted April 6, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Please pass me another margarita…

  28. 28
    SnogSnorland
    Posted April 7, 2011 at 3:07 am

    Horace must be referring to this season’s Amazing Race recaps, because these Survivor recaps are fantastic!

  29. 29
    soapboxx
    Posted April 7, 2011 at 5:17 am

    Love me some Phillip. Itchy the next challenge will be coloring inside the lines. It will probably be a picture of Russell wearing a crown. BTW Moorels I left my skin cream in your bathroom, please drop it off at my mom’s first chance you get.

  30. 30
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 7, 2011 at 7:22 am

    @zbird – Oh yeah? Well uh… that’s ok because I was hanging out with um… Flipit and err… and J-Mo. And uh… Jesus! That’s right bitches! The big JC was doing body shots out of J-Mo’s belly button! But I beat him at quarters.

  31. 31
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 7, 2011 at 7:23 am

    @soapboxx – Honey, that isn’t a cream. That is an OINTMENT! Keep it real now! :D

  32. 32
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted April 7, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    For the record, Jesus’ beard tickles when He does Hail Mary shots out of your belly button. Also, Jesus Christ, you need to return my Holy Beer Koozies! Those are personalized!

    love, J-Mo :)

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