Yaaaawwwn. Sorry, I was just thinking about the way this season is turning out. As much as I’m glad Colon is no longer stinking up the joint with the stench of his rotten soul, I have to admit, things are MUCH quieter (and boring) without him.
See? I knew y’all loved me!
Ahhhhh…..it must be nice to be so delusional. Anyway, let’s get to this week’s episode, shall we?
It’s the morning of day 23, and at Camp Titty-Caca, Jay is telling the rest of the tribe that he dreamed he got shot. Who was shooting him? Mike? Mayhap he was, Jay concedes. Elsewhere in camp, Tarzan is warning Troyzan that their days might be numbered. Ya know, because the girls are up by two. He thinks the girls are gonna keep on voting out the guys.
That Chelsea might hate photographers too ya know! Maybe she had a bad picture of her boobs once. I’m jus sayin…..watch her.
Dude, you smell so funky I can’t concentrate on anything you’re saying.
Troyzan is happy that Michael’s gone since he was gunning for Troyzan from the beginning. Hahaha! Kim did a good job convincing him of that! He does admit that since the girls are now up in the numbers they could decide it’s time for him and Jay to go, but I think he’s hoping the Salami foursome is solid enough to survive any girl power.
He reminds Tarzan that there’s a hidden immunity idol out there somewhere and they both know it would help them get control of the game. Tarzan is not so hopeful that the girls can be stopped; he thinks the guys have to keep winning immunity challenges. Not that it will help HIM given that he sucks monkey balls at any and all immunity challenges.
If only they had a boob job challenge. I’d be splendiferous at that!
Troyzan may be a little nervous about the girls, but he’s got that hidden immunity idol, so he can hopefully do something if he sees anything fishy going on.
Just yesterday I smelled something fishy over by Kim.
Damn! It must have been her hidden immunity idol!
Time for the reward challenge. Oh BULLSHITE!!!!!! Apparently Jeff is super upset that guys have been voted out in back to back tribals because he has taken the day off. That’s right Gasmi, we’ve got us another DIY challenge. What a load. Suck it up, Jeffrey!!
What a fucking baby.
This challenge involves a clothes rack-like scoring target that numbers from one to five. The castaways will use a rope with balls on each end to throw at the target to earn points. That’s right. MORE balls. Perhaps we should call this “The Season of Boobs and Balls”. Whatta ya think?
I can’t hear you over the windstorm in my hoodie.
As usual, the reward for the winners will be a feast. A barbeque feast to be exact. Imagine that. Food. Shocking! Whatever happened to the days when they’d win a survivor toilet and toilet paper? I bet they wish they had that after some of these food rewards!
The castaways draw rocks to divide them into teams, and we end up with Troyzan, Tarzan, Abitchia, Jay, and Kat on one team and Kim, Sabrina, Chelsea, Christina, and Leif on the other. Troyzan appoints himself as the host of the game.
The poor man’s Jeff Probst
Jay’s up first and gets a goose egg. Kim steps up for her team and walks away with nothing as well. Next are Kat and she scores two points for her team. Leif answers that with a big fat nuttin. Troyzan and Chelsea both score no points and then it’s Tarzan’s turn.
I may gouge my eyes out before this season is over.
He gets four points for his team. Holy crap! I would have never pegged him as the high scorer of this game. Christina finally puts some points on the board for her team. Well, one point. As Sabrina steps up for her turn, the other team is up 6 to 1. They can only hope to tie it up at this point and that’s only if Sabrina can score a five.
Which she doesn’t do
Victory! We fight to win. Victory! Is ours again. We are the scourge of the land and the sea, beastly Survivors are we.
Tarzan is VERY excited to have won his first reward challenge. Too bad it wasn’t a washing machine. Something tells me that his pants will be adding a few more stains at the end of this reward!
The winners head out to their feast via boat, and they discover a bottle of rum onboard. Woo hoo! Troyzan adds it to some coconuts and now they’re ready to party hardy. When they arrive at the island everyone except Tarzan lies around on the beach continuing their happy hour. Meanwhile, Tarzan watches the locals prepare the food.
One of them accused me of moving their firewood. I bet he had a bad experience with his boob job.
Bad mobs or no, Tarzan is ready for the feast. In fact, he is salivating at the thought. Somehow the thought of Tarzan’s saliva has a nauseating effect on MY stomach.
Eventually everyone joins Tarzan to watch the cooking, except for Jay and Kat. No, they’re not staying behind to get a little summin summin, but to talk votes. Jay tells her he really wasn’t thrilled with Michael going out before Christina or Abitchia because now the girls outnumber the guys.
Wait. Six is more than four? Are you sure?!?
He tells us he wants to make sure Kat is on the same page as him because he’s starting to get a little paranoid. So naturally you’d want to point out the fact the girls outnumber the guys and could totally turn on them. I mean, that’s definitely the way I would handle it.
He tells Kat that they really need to stick to their plan to vote Manono out before turning on any Salami. She assures him she’s gonna do just that. Jay’s not totally buying it; he knows there’s gonna be some blindsides coming up; he’s just hoping it won’t be HIM.
The next morning Kim and Chelsea talk about how glad they are to have voted Michael out. Kim tells us she plans on keeping to her low-key leadership style; keeping out of danger while knowing that she’ll be able to point to all the moves she made when it gets to the end.
Kat and Abitchia join them to talk about the next vote. Kim thinks they should definitely get rid of Jay or Troyzan next; whichever one of them doesn’t win immunity will go. Kat and Abitchia are on board, but Chelsea feels uncomfortable about it. She says she’s looked Jay and Troyzan in the eyes and told them they could trust her; she really doesn’t want to go back on her word.
Kim reminds Chelsea that either or those guys cold go on an immunity challenge winning spree, so the second they lose they have GOT to go. Abitchia doesn’t get it; just vote the fuckers out! She tells Chelsea she has got to play with her brain not her heart.
Bitch, I will slap you
Kat’s also worried about Chelsea, so she goes off to talk to Sabrina about it. So now Sabrina’s concerned about Chelsea, saying they can’t afford to have any cracks in their alliance. “Going to the end requires some big girl decisions. You got to put on your big girl panties and make a big girl decision.” Uh oh. Sounds like Chelsea needs to shut up before she finds herself voted out!
Jay and Troyzan decide to take some time for themselves to talk and Jay says (again) how important it is that they stick to their original plan of booting Manono. Troyzan is on board with that. DUH. Jay thinks they need to get rid of Abitchia before Christina because she’s more two sided, therefore more of a threat.
She was also eyeing my cheesy poofs. The bitch has gots to go!
Troyzan points out that they each have a good chance of winning immunity again and again and again. Wouldn’t it be just great if they were in the finals together?
To Troyzan: Yup.
To us: HELL NO!
Jay knows it would be dangerous to sit next Troyzan at the end because he’s so well liked. Kim and Chelsea are his girls, so he’s gotta trust them. Well, to a point. He’s gonna keep them just as close as the enemy around here.
Later, Jay talks to Kat telling her he wants to vote out Abitchia, even though he KNOWS she’s friends with her. He tells Kat that he and Troyzan made sacrifices by voting out Jonas and Michael so now the girls have to make a sacrifice.
Do you know how hard it is to hear over the wind tunnel of my brain???? What? Did you say something?
Kat calls over Kim, Chelsea, and Sabrina to confirm the plan and Kim promises him that they will vote out Abitchia. Chelsea keeps her mouth shut, knowing that the ladies are planning on voting out him or Troyzan. She hates being this deceitful, she tells us.
The next day, Kim and Abitchia talk while washing dishes in the ocean. Kim tells Abitchia that the plan is to vote out Troyzan or Jay, but to tell THEM that Abitchia is the one going home. Kim feels like it’s time for the guys to really know where the women stand.
Of course Troyzan sees Kim and Abitchia talking and gets paranoid. He knows that if the girls were smart they’d use that majority and get rid of one of the strong guys. I guess he’s hoping that Kat is the one driving the bus.
A guy can hope, right?
He and Jay go off to get tree mail and he tells Jay just how worried he is. Jay assures Troyzan that Abitchia is getting the boot. Troyzan is not buying it; he feels like he really need to win this challenge.
Immunity challenge time!
It’s another recycled challenge; this time it’s the one where they all stand on a narrow perch with one arm up in the air. To this arm is tethered a bucket full of colored water. If their arm drops, they get soaked with water and are out of the running for the immunity necklace. Last person standing gets immunity and cannot be voted out of the game.
To make this challenge more difficult, Jeff will be tempting them to throw it all away for food. Good thing half of them just ate, right?!? I mean, there’s no need to throw away immunity after that feast.
Hungry eyes….one look at you and I can’t disguise…
Mere seconds after the challenge starts, Tarzan is out. LOLOLOLOL. He sucks so bad.
Jeff brings out the first food item and before he can even reveal it, Christina falls off her perch. No food for Christina. Boo hoo. Jeff takes the cover off the food and we see that it’s two cookies and a glass of milk. Boom. Sabrina drops out claiming the food.
Before Jeff can even bring out the next item, Abitchia is saying she wants it. Jay tells her if she takes the food he is voting her ass out. Jeff appears with four cupcakes and a glass of milk. Kim and Kat opt out and claim them. Abitchia tries a different strategy, telling Chelsea she will do her a favor and take the next food item so that she can stay in and beat Jay.
Chelsea is not buying it. Neither is Jeff. Doesn’t matter because Jeff brings out another food item and Abitchia claims it without even knowing what’s inside. Oh man; remember the days when they had crappy as food items as well as good stuff hidden? How awesome would it have been if the bowl of candy she just got had been cow brain or bugs or some such shit?
My nasty ass will put just about anything in my mouth!
We’re now 45 minutes into the challenge and Troyzan, Leif, Jay, and Chelsea are still in it. Troyzan loses his balance and is out. No food for you! The ladies are happy about this and don’t do such a great job of hiding that.
Next Jeff brings out chicken wings and beer. Boom. Jay is out. Wow. I’m pretty shocked he jumped off; I thought for sure he’d be in it for the immunity win.
Hope they taste good.
So now it’s down to Leif and Chelsea. Chelsea thinks that Leif should just drop because he’s totally safe in this vote. In fact, if he dropped out it would make him seem like less of a threat. Jeff comes along to help try to sway one of the; he’s got a plate with three burgers, chips and beer. Chelsea tells him to get the fuck away from her; she doesn’t even want to look at it.
Leif wants those burgers bad. He asks Chelsea if she was telling him the truth about not being in danger and she says she was. So he hops on down for the burgers, giving her the win.
Leif is a sweetheart, letting Chelsea have one of his burgers. Aww. That was nice.
Back at camp everyone congratulates Chelsea on her win. Kim is really excited about the outcome of the challenge, saying she got to eat cupcakes AND not put herself out there as any sort of threat. She’s happy to have Chelsea look like the strong one, keeping that kind of attention off herself. She is a smart cookie, this one. But can she keep this going til the end?
Chelsea is happy that won but still feels guilty about turning on Jay or Troyzan. “To turn that quick on them, I hate to be that person, but I love money. “ And……better now. Wow. That was quick.
Chelsea points out to us that Troyzan is a big threat saying he wants to win so badly, he didn’t even step down from the challenge for any of the food temptations. Yup. He’s most certainly thinking about the game more than Jay is. Kim tells Chelsea she’s thinking they should split the votes between Jay and Troyzan in case one of them has a hidden idol. She’s gonna have Christina, Abitchia, and Tarzan vote for Jay, and Leif, Chelsea, Sabrina, Kat, and herself vote for Troyzan. Was anyone else surprised that she was so certain Leif and Tarzan would vote the way she wants them to? I feel like we missed a conversation somewhere.
Jay’s back again to make sure that everyone is still on board with getting rid of Abitchia. Kim promises Jay that they are while Chelsea says nothing and avoids looking at him. He fails to notice.
The fact that I will not look at you at all should be no sort of warning sign whatsoever.
Troyzan is next to talk to Kim and he just wants to make sure it’s not him going tonight. Kim repeatedly tells him not to worry. This makes Troyzan worry. He thinks if he really was safe she’s just tell him not to worry ONE time rather than repeating it over and over and over. “If she wanted to get me out, she’d want to be extra sure that I felt like I was safe.”
So he does what any smart player would; he goes and digs up his immunity idol. He then finds Jay and tells him he’s got the idol and says he’s gonna play it tonight. Oh, and they should vote for Kim instead of Abitchia.
Didn’t I tell ya she was trying to steal mah pot pie as well? She’s a dildo!
Jay’s surprised to hear that Troyzan has the idol and he doesn’t seem all that thrilled to find out it’s been kept a secret from him. Troyzan says he’s gonna try and get Tarzan and Christina to vote for Kim as well, but Jay is not behind this plan. He tells us that he’s still voting for Abitchia because Kim is in his final three so obviously there’s no way he booting her out.
True to his word, Troyzan approaches Tarzan and Christina about voting for Kim. Meanwhile, Jay tells Kim that Troyzan has an idol and her name has come up as a possible vote tonight. As you can imagine, Kim is not happy to hear that. He tells her they should still vote for Abitchia, but also try to flush Troyzan’s idol out and maybe get him next time.
This whole exchange makes Kim very nervous because they are getting ready to head out to tribal and that leaves her with no time to confirm the plan with everyone. She hopes that she’s got enough people and they’re sticking with what she wants them to do.
And with that, it’s time to head out to tribal.
Is Tarzan’s wearing a ladies’ shirt??????
What. The hell????
Once they get to tribal, Jeff points out that the guys are dropping like flies.
Are you gonna let yourselves get best by a bunch of GIRLS?!?!?!?
He asks Troyzan if this means that it’s guys vs. girls again. Troyzan thought that it might have been coincidence at first glance, but now he’s beginning to wonder if the girls are gunning for the guys after all. Tarzan finds the ladies to be a lot smarter than the guys.
Jay talks about all the scrambling that happened at camp; it’s not making him feel so secure. Jeff wants a show of hands for those that are worried tonight. Troyzan, Jay and Kim raise their hands. Kim says there really were a lot of paranoid people at camp after the immunity challenge and Troyzan says he learned a lot about where people’s allegiance lies based on their reactions at the immunity challenge. He saw some people root against him that he thought were on his side.
Moving on to hidden immunity idols. Abitchia points out that certain people may be wearing different pants than they normally do.
They had POOP on them and Chelsea won’ let me wash them!
For example, Troyzan is wearing a pair of shorts tonight that have pockets. This leads her to suspect that he might have the immunity idol.
Time to vote. As always, before Jeff reads the votes he says someone can play the immunity idol if they have it. Pause, pause, pause……Troyzan is playing his. He says he’s seen WAY too many people get voted off with the thing sitting right there in their pocket, and that is NOT going to happen to him.
Turns out it wouldn’t have anyway. He gets two votes, Abitchia gets one and so does Kim, but the remaining four votes all go to Jay.
Screw you guys! I’m going home!
**sob** I’ll miss you!
And there you have it, Gasmi. Another guy bites the dust. As Itchy said in the minicap, this is about the time I wish they’d fast forward through the guys getting the axe and then maybe the girls will really go at it. Something’s gotta happen soon because this season has turned out to be boring as shit.
Stop talking about my pants!
What did you think, Gasmi? Were you surprised the girls voted Jay out? How about him stepping down for chicken wings instead of fighting for immunity? Any final three predictions? Can’t wait to hear what you think! Thanks for all the reminders of seasons past in the minicap. I too miss the good ole days. Like that one time when Lisi fell.
See ya soon!
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