Survivor: Zapaterrible

Survivor

By Moorels | Saturday, April 30, 2011 | 2:51 pm | 27 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Survivor

Last time on Survivor, we solved racism. It’s going to be another double elimination, so let’s try to take care of both global famine AND the Middle East.

Back at camp, Steve and Phillip shake hands over the sounds of a weird harmonica. So…they’re all in jail? Imprisoned by racism? I’m going with that interpretation. Steve says he genuinely felt Phillip was crazy, and Phillip says in confessional that he appreciates Steve saying that but doesn’t fully forgive him. Steve says he still thinks Phillip is crazy.

Ometepe laughs about how they didn’t know Julie was going. Which is funny, because we’re all laughing about how they don’t know Rob is going to win. Rob reaffirms that Phillip is on the fast track to the finals.

After the main titles, we begin with our request opener of sad Zapatera members eating a lot of food. It’s an image that hits just a LITTLE too close to home for me. Phillip’s great-great grandfather (THE FULL-BLOODED CHEROKEE) came to him in a premonition and told him where his shorts were, except Phillip still just starts randomly digging under rocks. He finds it under the second one, which is too bad, because I was hoping Julie was just saying there was a rock on top of them to throw him off. He reminds us he is the Undercover Strategist and then misquotes Jack Nicholson for a few minutes: “You can’t STAND the truth!”

11.1ralphstyle

Randomly digging under rocks is known as the Ralph style of play, and it has been surprisingly effective this season.

He comes wandering back into camp and says this should be a lesson to them not to hide his shorts because it’s “frutile” and “frivolous.” What an oddly specific lesson. Steve is like, uh, good job. You can tell that Steve is pretty weirded out that Phillip is more excited over his shorts than the conclusion of their racial argument. Rob congratulates him and this sets Phillip off again, because Rob has proved me wrong and done a great job of stroking Phillip’s ego. “Without a clue, nothing,” boasts Phillip, which is not true because Julie spelled it out for him pretty damn well. Also, we’re spending THIS long on Phillip’s shorts? This should be our indication that nothing of value is happening tonight, viewers.

Over on Redemption Island (Zapatera 2: Zapatera and the Chamber of Secrets), Julie is saying that she had the best night of sleep since she’s been here. I kind of love Julie’s childlike enthusiasm that alternates with extreme badassery. Oh my God, and now it’s time for my LEAST favorite moment of Survivor ever, including Russell’s armpits.

Matt straight up starts crying and saying he’s tired and wants to go home. I’ve said it before, THIS is why the people that get voted out second should not be allowed to come back into the game.

11.2matt

“This thing where I am constantly succeeding in this game even over people who would kill to be here is the worst.”

Matt tells us that God has “literally” been carrying him. No comment.

11.3matt

I’m not turned off to religion because of social or political stances, but because religious reality show contestants tend to be huge wusses.

RI challenge time! Phillip flaunts his shorts. And ah yes, it’s the intense Survivor shuffleboard game that brought us such fantastic rewards as:

11.4reward

Robert Louis Stevenson’s House: Where Legends Go to Die

Matt tells Jeff that he now feels peace about leaving (translation: wants to get the fuck out of there). He keeps talking to Jeff about God and being ready to go and you can see the moment where Jeff Probst mentally moves Matt to female status.

They’re playing to get three pucks in an end zone. Mike gets two right away and Julie gets one, then Matt begins a comeback that really pisses Jeff off. Also, Andrea gets some screen time to talk about how things have been weird with Matt ever since she completely stabbed him in the back. Women, man.

11.5god

If there was a God, why are we stilling watching this challenge on Survivor?

So Matt gets three and Mike gets three and so Recapper’s Choice Julie is headed home. Farewell, Julie. I look forward to your jury question about which of the finalists had the most fun.

Jeff makes the obvious 39 day Survivor / 40 day Jesus fasting reference and Matt resigns himself to the horrors of another three days, and then Julie pulls at my heartstrings by talking about how much she missed brushing her teeth and how her house is in foreclosure but now when she goes home she’s going to start going to church again. Man, I will never ever be as good a person as this. Let’s go watch Ashley and Natalie some more so I can feel better about myself.

11.6girls

Phew, that’s better.

Andrea talks more about how mad Matt was, and the rest of her tribe tries to make her feel better. This prompts Rob and Grant to talk about voting out Andrea soon because she’s good at challenges and actually has a soul. They talk about how it’s a tricky timing issue. Man, this timing thing really is the only problem facing Boston Rob with no resistance.

Challenge time. It’s a log roll challenge in that weird pool. Remember when we used to do challenges in the ocean and the woods and stuff? It’s for immunity, and also a huge chocolate cake which seems silly even to me. And I LOVE chocolate cake.

So there’s a pretty standard bracket elimination, and Steve makes me like him a million times more by deadpanning to Jeff that he plays in a log-rolling league every Saturday. He’s like Dave Ball, but NOT the creepiest human being I’ve ever seen. The finals are Grant and Ralph, and there’s some pretty intense log-rolling action. I’m sure Jeff had wood! RIMSHOT.

Anyways, after like twenty minutes Grant wins and gets to eat some cake. He gets to choose two people to join him and he picks Rob, because duh, and Andrea because he needs to make her feel safe if they’re kicking her out. That’s actually pretty smart. Also, Ralph offers to lick Grant’s neck if he’s chosen because he’s “not the gayest person, but [he] doesn’t know what else to do.” Oh Ralph. Man, I really would have liked Zapatera to not have lost to the Rob cult. They eat cake for two minutes. It is not flattering.

Also, they get a mystery package to be opened at Tribal. They speculate a lot about a lot of scenarios, and the most fun part is imagining the internet outcry if their outlandish scenarios were actually true. You all draw cards and one person is automatically eliminated? Insane.

11.7rock

Oh, wait.

Ralph says something about how there’s no telling what will happen, and Steve asks him to repeat it like three times. I say again, Zapatera was a pretty cool tribe.

11.8ralph

At the very least, they always got the weirdest confessional locations.

Rob says that Steve is weak and so Ralph should go home. Except Steve seems three times as strategic and no one else can understand Ralph, so that doesn’t make sense to me. Rob sits Natalie and Ashley down and tells them that it should go Ralph and then Andrea if they get to vote twice, and Ashley just comes out and says she is doing everything Rob tells her.

So then Steve walks over and tells Natalie and Ashley that they’re both voting for Rob, so if they swing their votes they can win. Ashley says that won’t work because they don’t want to include Andrea, which I guess at least implies they had considered this before, and then run and tell Rob. Oh, well.

Tribal Council time. Wow, really? We have like half an hour left. Ok. We do the standard, “is it time to use Zapatera as flip votes?” conversation, but as usual everyone says no. So instead we just speculate about Ralph v. Steve tonight. Man, these tribals must have been REALLY boring. Everyone agrees Steve is not a quitter. Jeff gives Steve a last chance to speak, and Steve gives us a mini history lesson on Rob betraying Lex in All Stars, which only makes me like Steve more, and warns everyone not to trust him. Rob (with HUGE assistance from Jeff) counters by saying he was maintaining loyalty to Amber, and there are like five jokes about how he’s still loyal to her. Ashley and Natalie throw themselves into the fire.

Vote time. Steve is like “let’s do it!” to Natalie. Aw, Steve. You will be missed too.

Votes come back, and it’s two for Rob and then six for Ralph. Hey, where would they be hiding hidden idol clues if Rob wasn’t sitting on it? There haven’t been any rewards. Or do the producers not want anyone to mess with Rob’s dominance? HMMMMM. Oh, AND THEN TIME FOR THE TWIST! THE MYSTERY PACKAGE IS FULL OF CARDS!

11.9cards

“Collect and trade them all with your friends.”

Uh, we’re doing another immunity challenge and then voting again. Wow, this is a huge “fuck you, Steve” from the producers. This was his best chance to work the alliance for three days and he was just robbed of that.

Everyone gets a stack of cards and then we do the stupid memorization thing that Jeff swears is hard but 95% of America can do at home better than the ultimate winner. He shows a sequence of symbols, and then one at a time they show them back. Natalie and Phillip are out first, then Grant and Andrea, then Rob wins. Oh Steve! You were just so close. But you only did as good as Ashley, so I have to mock you.

Second vote time, and will Ometepe turn on Andrea? No. Steve is out, and the Pagonging is complete.

11.10mem

Steve’s biggest regret was skipping that Sunday morning card-memorization league his wife signed him up for.

So who’s out next week? And what the fuck are we going to do with four people on RI? And was it fair that Steve didn’t get another three days to work the lone vote angle?

About

Moorels enjoys hiking, cross-county skiing, and long walks on the beach. Haha, jk, jk, he enjoys watching TV, making fun of people, and eating. He thanks God he found a blogging position that caters to all three. Right now he's living it up Southern-California style, and when he's not mocking accomplished celebrities he likes to drink and attend college. They're not mutually exclusive.

27 Comments

  1. 1
    Drew Glindemann
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Otu of the remaining 6, Andrea is the only one worth giving the money to anymore

  2. 2
    zerocool
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Still rooting for Rob, but I hope it gets more interesting from here. *fingers crossed*

  3. 3
    bananas
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    I love survivor but the Rob cult is really too boring to watch. Here’s to hoping them turning on each other will be more interesting.

  4. 4
    Aldrick
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Ditto the other comments. Things have been extremely boring, and I’m hoping that with the last of the Zap-tribe gone that things begin to get interesting. I’m not very hopeful.

    I think, at this point, depending on when / if Matt gets back in the game he’s the only one who can beat Rob. I’m not sure how I’d feel about that. A huge part of Survivor – perhaps the largest aspect – is the social game. Because he’s been on Redemption Island, Matt has largely been cut off from that game.

    On the other hand, the sheer number of challenges he’s had to complete and survive lends him a great deal of credit. So, I’m a bit divided.

    Do we know when those on Redemption Island will be allowed back in the game?

    Does anyone else feel bad for Julie after hearing her story? I hope she wins fan favorite, but I think that is going to go to Matt.

  5. 5
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    @ Aldrick, Matt may not have outwitted, but he certainly would have outlasted and outplayed all of the other RI competitors, should he make it to the end. Since Rob only controlled one aspect of the game, while Matt controlled two, he would get my vote for the million dollars. Plus, you have to take into account the “fuck you” aspect of the Final jury. Would you really want to give Boston Rob a million dollars, after he’s played 5 times? I wouldn’t. Fuck him, and the Murlonio teddy bear he came in on. I truly hope the editing is setting him up for a huge fail.

    As far as Julie goes, maybe she should get a job, instead of using reality TV to make us feel bad because her house is in foreclosure. If she truly wanted to win, maybe she would have been less sheep-like and came up with an effective strategy.

  6. 6
    myfavoritesunglasses
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    I can’t figure out why Grant and his two picks didn’t get to go offsite to eat the cake? I swear it’s the first time I’ve ever seen that happen in any season. It’s like, just in case Rob wasn’t picked, TPTB wanted to make sure no one could plot against him while away, and if he was, the remaining ones back at camp couldn’t plot there either.

  7. 7
    Furiousflipper
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Usually, when a tribal dominance of this kind happens, I sit back and smile and wait for it to fall apart, as it generally always does. But this one has been very strong due to some hot moves by Rob at the top of the game…he determined those that could think for themselves and then took them out immediately…Philip was a goner there for a while, but succumbed to the power that is Rob. That’s what is making this all a bit boring right now. It will finally get interesting as they have to turn on each other.

  8. 8
    Aldrick
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Derek – I largely agree. I think if he somehow does make it to the final two or three, that he’s going to win – hands down. If for no other reason than for the fuck you aspect.

    I also don’t want to see Rob win. However, outside of Matt I don’t see who is going to stop him. By and large, if put in a game with real competitors and not these sheep, Rob is an average to above average player. Of course, he’s been on Survivor a billion times, and so he’s had a lot of experience.

    That being said he HAS dominated these sheeple, and I think it’d be difficult for him not to make it all the way to the end. After all, he still has a hidden immunity idol in his back pocket – which NO ONE knows about (yet).

    As for Julie – heh, that’s cold. I can’t help it if I’m somewhat of a sympathetic sap, even Matt’s tears made me feel bad for him. It’s like watching a puppy cry. Tugged heartstrings aside, doesn’t Julie have a job as a fire fighter? Maybe I’m wrong, but I thought that’s what she did for a living.

  9. 9
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Julie has a job. She’s is indeed a firefighter. I wonder what happened that her income wasn’t enough to keep her home from going into foreclosure? But it’s happened to a lot of people in this country in the last few years.

    Anyway…I loved Steve, Ralph, and Julie. They are far more interesting people than anyone in Rob’s cult. I haven’t even figured out which 20-something woman is which. They’re basically interchageable.

    If Matt makes it to the final, he has a good chance at winning with all those former Zaps on the jury.

    This show has been so much more enjoyable withut Russell eating up so much screen time. Makes me dread the live reunion, though, because you know he’ll try to dominate it (again.)

  10. 10
    AntSuck
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Rest assured people, Boston Rob is not going to win. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s voted out next. Ashley and Natalie have probably been waiting for the perfect time to flip on him, and Andrea will join them because duh. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Grant flips on him. The only one who would stay loyal is Philip.

    I can’t for the life of me see how anyone thought that Steve and Ralph were interesting people. Julie, however, is a goddess. Julie>>>>>>>>>>>>>anyone else this season.

  11. 11
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    @ Aldrick, my only point about Julie is that if she were truly trying to win the game, for whatever reason, she would have had a more effective strategy throughout her 27 days. Telling that sad sack story after you lose at RI is pointless, since you’re burning the buff and saying your goodbyes. Why didn’t she tell her story at TC, perhaps, they would have voted Ralph or Steve off first, since it’s self-preservation at that point? Why did she admit to hiding Philip’s shorts? While she may be a fan favorite, she didn’t really do much to try and win, so her reasons for coming to the island are moot for me. I agree that the only way to make this season end in an interesting way is for Matt to make it to the final tribal council. Can you imagine a final TC with Rob, Philip, and Matt?

  12. 12
    MtnMama
    Posted April 30, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    What Derek said: I think the survivor of RI will indeed go up against the other Survivor(s) at the final tribal council. I think it will be Rob, Matt and Grant.

  13. 13
    itchy
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 12:47 am

    I’m glad Julie’s going back to church. She can start by asking her god to forgive her for stealing someone else’s shorts and burying them, and also for being one of the most boring, ineffective Survivor contestants in years.

    And yeah, Julie’s a firefighter, which ought to be enough to keep one in a home — unless of course she’s one of the millions of people who were suckered into taking loans for homes worth way more than they could afford. Given her general stupidity during the rest of the season, it wouldn’t surprise me.

    Steve should have been working the alliance angle for weeks. All of Zapotera should have. Instead, they acted like a gang of pissy schoolkids, hoarding all of their own rice. They could easily have broken down Ometepe’s buddy system simply by being nice to everyone. Especially Philip.

    But no, they’re a bunch of idiots and deserved to lose. And I can see them throwing a ‘fuck you’ vote, because they’re just that type of bitter spoil-sports.

    I’m still hoping Natalie’s going to pull out the win, that she’s just biding her time. Sigh.

    If the RI survivor gets a free pass to the tribal, then this season will officially become the worst Survivor season of them all. Even worse that last season. Even worse than any other season with Russell in there.

  14. 14
    Aldrick
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 2:32 am

    Derek – Oh, I agree. Strategically Julie sucked beyond reason. I wasn’t suggesting that she SHOULD have won, and I didn’t even really like her all that much throughout the season. About the most exciting / interesting thing she’s done was hide Phillip’s shorts, which was awesome, but then she screwed herself by admitting it.

    I just think, outside of the game, Julie is probably a nice person. I’m voting for her as fan favorite, because I only have lukewarm feelings toward Matt and I’m pretty sure he’s going to beat her. Plus, after her story, at least I know she can use the money – so my vote is a charity vote.

    All the people I had interest in were voted out early: Fran, Kristina, and Stephanie. I think all three of them could have at least put up a good game against Rob. Fran and Kristina’s mistake was that they moved against Rob too early, but at least they didn’t fall into the sheeple trap like the others did – they moved directly to kill the snake as soon as possible. They were willing to make a big move.

    All – I don’t see why there is such positive feelings toward Natalie and Ashley. I’m willing to eat my words if they suddenly prove themselves to be awesome by cutting Rob’s throat, but I see them in the mold as many Survivors that have come before… coattail riders. They manage to make it to the end by making the right alliance, and even though the writing is on the wall they remain true to that alliance right up until it cuts them loose. That’s my prediction when it comes to Natalie and Ashley – that they’re going to be loyal to Rob right up until he gives them the axe.

    I’m willing to eat my words if I’m wrong; because I hope that I am.

    MtnMama – That’s my hunch as well. Although, I’m not sure that I like that plan. It’d just give Matt a direct line to the end… I’m kinda hoping that Mike will beat him.

    That being said… it would also be somewhat awesome if Rob somehow is voted out, and then defeats Matt to decide who gets to go to the finals. Then at the end, Rob turns to Matt and says – in his smug ass voice – “Where’s your Jesus now?”

    I think Matt would nail himself to a cross in a total and complete mental breakdown. …because it would suck to have to endure RI for that long, make it all the way to the end, with one final duel left, only to be defeated by your arch-nemesis. ;)

    If Rob would pull off such an awesome move; I’d support him winning the million just for that moment.

  15. 15
    itchy
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 6:09 am

    Not to worry about Matt. The way his whole jesus/god mythology is constructed, it doesn’t ever matter what happens, good or bad or downright horrible, it’s all good since it’s all god’s will.

  16. 16
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 7:50 am

    “Julie’s a firefighter, which ought to be enough to keep one in a home — unless of course she’s one of the millions of people who were suckered into taking loans for homes worth way more than they could afford.”

    That’s generally how employed people lose their houses … or, by taking out mortgages with variable rates, or even worse, a balloon payment.

    I don’t think Julie was all that boring. She gave me some laugh-out-loud moments, the latest one being her final words to Philip. I hope that works if her favor with God, since I’m sure there is nothing He hates more than boring Survivor players.

  17. 17
    zbird
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I’m guessing you’re right, crankyguy. Plus, Julie was recently divorced and I think she has sole custody of her 2 girls. She is gainfully employed, but keeping a home (esp in pricey Southern California) on a single salary with 2 kids is not easy. She is an awesome person in real life, but maybe wasn’t cut out for this game, although that’s really hard to say since the editors showed us very little of what she did out there, and since her alliance was cut one-by-one by a very cult-like tribe of Rob worshippers…very little she could do to save herself from the sheeple.

  18. 18
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    I don’t know about you guys, but the fact that Philip found the EXACT spot where his shorts were buried smelled a little bit like Producer Intervention… after all, they filmed where Julie hid them, it seems a little bit next-to-impossible that he would have just HAPPENED on that same area simply by casting about….

    ….then again, I do not have a grandfather who is a FULL-BLOODED CHEROKEE to send me premonitional visions about where my various articles of clothing are located. Maybe I should try that method the next time I lose my glasses.

    I am not on the Rob-To-Win team, really, I think that Zapatera should have done like Ometepe and gotten rid of him the first chance they got, why would you keep someone around who has played this game so much? Oh well, hopefully next season will NOT be tainted by Previous Failures and Famewhores.

    love, J-Mo :)

  19. 19
    itchy
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    I think at this point the entire Survivor set (including Redemption Island) can fit into my living room, so it’s not inconceivable he found it right away.

  20. 20
    Philo
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    I’m in your camp J-Mo.

    I think that the camera crew was tired of looking at Phillip in his pink undies, so they “steered” him over to that burial site.

    I really wish Julie didn’t give Phillip so much info at her last TC.

  21. 21
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    A Survivor promo just ran…and my husband, The Pastor, looked at me and said, “If Matt attributes one more thing to God’s Will, I’m gonna throw something at our TV.”

  22. 22
    soapboxx
    Posted May 1, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    LOL@itchy,so true about the set. @crankyguy: That’s exactly what happened. I too would like to live in a $300,000 house but I learned early on that fixed rate was the only way to go. That being said I don’t want to see anyone lose their hoMe (as long as my taxes don’t have to bail them out). I liked Julie, and Steve has been funny the last few weeks. I respect Rob’s game, even Grant yelled “I love you Rob!” after knocking him off the log. Hahaha! Now that’s a social game!

  23. 23
    Mister_Dangerous
    Posted May 2, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Don’t want Rob to win but outside of Rob and crybaby Matt have any of these peeps played the game?

    They all just stood around and did what they were told to do. I know many of you see THAT along with flying under the radar and doing nothing as a strategy but I don’t even know some of these Survivor’s names.

  24. 24
    Diana
    Posted May 2, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Oh, Moorels, like with Phillip, the Borg nutritionist, resistance to LOLing at this recap is “fruitile”.

  25. 25
    Diana
    Posted May 2, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I think the producers decided to Pagong out Zapatera ASAP so that the Rob cult could turn on each other ASAP and CBS could stop losing viewers ASAP over the strategically brilliant = boring TV gameplay of Rob. You have to remember, Rob has a psychology degree and has always been crafty. He’s been given the opportunity to, and has therefore been playing this game for several seasons – this bullet-train-to-the-win he’s created is just his epilogue before getting his own reality show.

  26. 26
    JasonR
    Posted May 4, 2011 at 9:26 am

    If his tribe members actually permit Rob to reach the final three, I defy anyone to make a compelling argument he doesn’t deserve to win. For all the members of the Russell Hanz fan club, THIS is how you play the game. Rob has an entire alliance that basically won’t take a piss without his say-so, and yet they LOVE him. Even the people he has screwed over still like him, or at least respect him, because he never made it personal, never threatened or intimidated anyone, and never made it personal. The fact that with his reputation he’s STILL managed to stick around this long without ever having a major threat to his position as leader is nothing short of amazing. That said, when one person/alliance dominates it does make for some boring TV. Where would we be without colorful characters Philip and Ralph?

  27. 27
    JasonR
    Posted May 4, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Apparently not making it personal was so important I said it twice LOL

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