Last time on Survivor, we solved racism. It’s going to be another double elimination, so let’s try to take care of both global famine AND the Middle East.
Back at camp, Steve and Phillip shake hands over the sounds of a weird harmonica. So…they’re all in jail? Imprisoned by racism? I’m going with that interpretation. Steve says he genuinely felt Phillip was crazy, and Phillip says in confessional that he appreciates Steve saying that but doesn’t fully forgive him. Steve says he still thinks Phillip is crazy.
Ometepe laughs about how they didn’t know Julie was going. Which is funny, because we’re all laughing about how they don’t know Rob is going to win. Rob reaffirms that Phillip is on the fast track to the finals.
After the main titles, we begin with our request opener of sad Zapatera members eating a lot of food. It’s an image that hits just a LITTLE too close to home for me. Phillip’s great-great grandfather (THE FULL-BLOODED CHEROKEE) came to him in a premonition and told him where his shorts were, except Phillip still just starts randomly digging under rocks. He finds it under the second one, which is too bad, because I was hoping Julie was just saying there was a rock on top of them to throw him off. He reminds us he is the Undercover Strategist and then misquotes Jack Nicholson for a few minutes: “You can’t STAND the truth!”
Randomly digging under rocks is known as the Ralph style of play, and it has been surprisingly effective this season.
He comes wandering back into camp and says this should be a lesson to them not to hide his shorts because it’s “frutile” and “frivolous.” What an oddly specific lesson. Steve is like, uh, good job. You can tell that Steve is pretty weirded out that Phillip is more excited over his shorts than the conclusion of their racial argument. Rob congratulates him and this sets Phillip off again, because Rob has proved me wrong and done a great job of stroking Phillip’s ego. “Without a clue, nothing,” boasts Phillip, which is not true because Julie spelled it out for him pretty damn well. Also, we’re spending THIS long on Phillip’s shorts? This should be our indication that nothing of value is happening tonight, viewers.
Over on Redemption Island (Zapatera 2: Zapatera and the Chamber of Secrets), Julie is saying that she had the best night of sleep since she’s been here. I kind of love Julie’s childlike enthusiasm that alternates with extreme badassery. Oh my God, and now it’s time for my LEAST favorite moment of Survivor ever, including Russell’s armpits.
Matt straight up starts crying and saying he’s tired and wants to go home. I’ve said it before, THIS is why the people that get voted out second should not be allowed to come back into the game.
“This thing where I am constantly succeeding in this game even over people who would kill to be here is the worst.”
Matt tells us that God has “literally” been carrying him. No comment.
I’m not turned off to religion because of social or political stances, but because religious reality show contestants tend to be huge wusses.
RI challenge time! Phillip flaunts his shorts. And ah yes, it’s the intense Survivor shuffleboard game that brought us such fantastic rewards as:
Robert Louis Stevenson’s House: Where Legends Go to Die
Matt tells Jeff that he now feels peace about leaving (translation: wants to get the fuck out of there). He keeps talking to Jeff about God and being ready to go and you can see the moment where Jeff Probst mentally moves Matt to female status.
They’re playing to get three pucks in an end zone. Mike gets two right away and Julie gets one, then Matt begins a comeback that really pisses Jeff off. Also, Andrea gets some screen time to talk about how things have been weird with Matt ever since she completely stabbed him in the back. Women, man.
If there was a God, why are we stilling watching this challenge on Survivor?
So Matt gets three and Mike gets three and so Recapper’s Choice Julie is headed home. Farewell, Julie. I look forward to your jury question about which of the finalists had the most fun.
Jeff makes the obvious 39 day Survivor / 40 day Jesus fasting reference and Matt resigns himself to the horrors of another three days, and then Julie pulls at my heartstrings by talking about how much she missed brushing her teeth and how her house is in foreclosure but now when she goes home she’s going to start going to church again. Man, I will never ever be as good a person as this. Let’s go watch Ashley and Natalie some more so I can feel better about myself.
Phew, that’s better.
Andrea talks more about how mad Matt was, and the rest of her tribe tries to make her feel better. This prompts Rob and Grant to talk about voting out Andrea soon because she’s good at challenges and actually has a soul. They talk about how it’s a tricky timing issue. Man, this timing thing really is the only problem facing Boston Rob with no resistance.
Challenge time. It’s a log roll challenge in that weird pool. Remember when we used to do challenges in the ocean and the woods and stuff? It’s for immunity, and also a huge chocolate cake which seems silly even to me. And I LOVE chocolate cake.
So there’s a pretty standard bracket elimination, and Steve makes me like him a million times more by deadpanning to Jeff that he plays in a log-rolling league every Saturday. He’s like Dave Ball, but NOT the creepiest human being I’ve ever seen. The finals are Grant and Ralph, and there’s some pretty intense log-rolling action. I’m sure Jeff had wood! RIMSHOT.
Anyways, after like twenty minutes Grant wins and gets to eat some cake. He gets to choose two people to join him and he picks Rob, because duh, and Andrea because he needs to make her feel safe if they’re kicking her out. That’s actually pretty smart. Also, Ralph offers to lick Grant’s neck if he’s chosen because he’s “not the gayest person, but [he] doesn’t know what else to do.” Oh Ralph. Man, I really would have liked Zapatera to not have lost to the Rob cult. They eat cake for two minutes. It is not flattering.
Also, they get a mystery package to be opened at Tribal. They speculate a lot about a lot of scenarios, and the most fun part is imagining the internet outcry if their outlandish scenarios were actually true. You all draw cards and one person is automatically eliminated? Insane.
Ralph says something about how there’s no telling what will happen, and Steve asks him to repeat it like three times. I say again, Zapatera was a pretty cool tribe.
At the very least, they always got the weirdest confessional locations.
Rob says that Steve is weak and so Ralph should go home. Except Steve seems three times as strategic and no one else can understand Ralph, so that doesn’t make sense to me. Rob sits Natalie and Ashley down and tells them that it should go Ralph and then Andrea if they get to vote twice, and Ashley just comes out and says she is doing everything Rob tells her.
So then Steve walks over and tells Natalie and Ashley that they’re both voting for Rob, so if they swing their votes they can win. Ashley says that won’t work because they don’t want to include Andrea, which I guess at least implies they had considered this before, and then run and tell Rob. Oh, well.
Tribal Council time. Wow, really? We have like half an hour left. Ok. We do the standard, “is it time to use Zapatera as flip votes?” conversation, but as usual everyone says no. So instead we just speculate about Ralph v. Steve tonight. Man, these tribals must have been REALLY boring. Everyone agrees Steve is not a quitter. Jeff gives Steve a last chance to speak, and Steve gives us a mini history lesson on Rob betraying Lex in All Stars, which only makes me like Steve more, and warns everyone not to trust him. Rob (with HUGE assistance from Jeff) counters by saying he was maintaining loyalty to Amber, and there are like five jokes about how he’s still loyal to her. Ashley and Natalie throw themselves into the fire.
Vote time. Steve is like “let’s do it!” to Natalie. Aw, Steve. You will be missed too.
Votes come back, and it’s two for Rob and then six for Ralph. Hey, where would they be hiding hidden idol clues if Rob wasn’t sitting on it? There haven’t been any rewards. Or do the producers not want anyone to mess with Rob’s dominance? HMMMMM. Oh, AND THEN TIME FOR THE TWIST! THE MYSTERY PACKAGE IS FULL OF CARDS!
“Collect and trade them all with your friends.”
Uh, we’re doing another immunity challenge and then voting again. Wow, this is a huge “fuck you, Steve” from the producers. This was his best chance to work the alliance for three days and he was just robbed of that.
Everyone gets a stack of cards and then we do the stupid memorization thing that Jeff swears is hard but 95% of America can do at home better than the ultimate winner. He shows a sequence of symbols, and then one at a time they show them back. Natalie and Phillip are out first, then Grant and Andrea, then Rob wins. Oh Steve! You were just so close. But you only did as good as Ashley, so I have to mock you.
Second vote time, and will Ometepe turn on Andrea? No. Steve is out, and the Pagonging is complete.
Steve’s biggest regret was skipping that Sunday morning card-memorization league his wife signed him up for.
So who’s out next week? And what the fuck are we going to do with four people on RI? And was it fair that Steve didn’t get another three days to work the lone vote angle?