I’d Like To Buy A Bowel

Survivor

By B-Side | Friday, April 21, 2006 | 1:19 am | 63 Comments

brucepainHow awesome was tonight’s Survivor? Granted, nothing really happened — at least, in terms of the game — but the time we spent with the characters was invaluable. The great, explosive lunacy of Casaya that has lain dormant for the past few weeks returned in a mighty way, and with Terry stuck on Exile Island for most of the episode, we were able to savor this ridiculousness without pausing every five seconds to complain about his scheming. Plus, add to all this a much ballyhooed medical emergency that turned out to be more gripping and emotional than any tribal council in the past few weeks. Yes, tonight was an excellent, albeit unorthodox episode, and I’m confident that from here on out, this season is going to be a turbulent, insane roller coaster ride.The big episode opened up not with the usual images of waves crashing on rocks and sun shining over the sea. Instead, we had intensely creepy music setting the stage for buzzing flies and hungry vultures. Oh, so ominous. Surely this would harken the return to Casaya’s previous near-homicidal state. For those of you who may not remember the pre-NCAA tourney days, there once was a great time when every time the cameras turned on at Casaya, all hell would break loose. Mostly it was because of Shane and his psycho ways, but he can’t shoulder all the blame. There was Bobby and the wine. Bruce and the wine. Courtney and the, well, anything really. Point is, this was a crazy tribe that was ready to cannibalize itself — both figuratively and I’d say literally. But once La Mina came over in the merge, they managed to unite against a common enemy (at least, from what we saw through the editing), and for the past few weeks, this tribe has somehow kept all its lunatic impulses on the back burner. I blame La Mina for not being able to pry out the rifts and psychosis, and I specifically blame Terry for being so smug that all these nutballs could spend their time focusing on him rather than their own screwed up tribe.

Well, that being said, we soon found Mr. Terry futzing with some ashes, trying to guestimate his next move. “I still have a huge target on my back,” he told us. Yeah, well, whose fault was that? The best way to get rid of a target? Stop pissing everyone off with your cocky attitude.

And speaking of cocky, Shane sidled up to one of his allies and said, “We’re still gonna be the first tribe to ever stick together all the way to the end.” Ah yes, famous last words. We’ll see how long your tribe stays together. It might be hard to keep that bond considering you’re all CRAZY! By the way, I’m pretty sure that the Chuay Gahn tribe from Thailand was the first to stay together all the way, even though they too hated each other. Hmmm… maybe that’s the key to success. In order to stay intact, tribes must have deep-seeded hatred and anger. That’s sort of how we run things here at TVgasm. Oh I KID!

Anyway, Terry then babbled to us about his gameplan: he’d have to win the next three immunities to get to the final four, and then he’d be able to use the idol to get to the final three. One problem: the idol can’t be used once the tribe gets down to four people. I so hope no one tells Terry that. If he gets kicked off because his idol’s expired, that would be wonderful.

Of course, with only Terry left hanging around camp, Casaya could stop worrying so much about the pesky La Mina situation and instead get back to the Casaya way of life. And by that, I mean “senseless bickering.” Our first eruption occurred when a boiling pot of water fell into the fire. Courtney tried to get people to help, and in her panic, she very, very mildly raised her voice. Well, in Casaya-speak, that’s the same as thwacking someone with a tire-iron. Danielle immediately snapped back at Courtney, telling her to stop yelling. Ah yes. The good times were back. Let the cat fights begin.

Someone who wasn’t experiencing good times was Bruce. We knew this would be a tough episode for him because last week, we saw him doubled over in pain. Would tonight finally be the episode where we’d see someone taken away by stretcher? Probably, especially after Bruce said that his stomach really hurt. “I feel really constipated and sick to my stomach,” he told us. Being that I’m a professional doctor, I immediately diagnosed him with a hernia (and having been a hernia sufferer, I definitely know what Bruce was going through). Well, as Bruce talked to Shane about being a bit, uh, backed up, Courtney then decided to share a lovely memory. “I remember being so constipated I thought I was having a…” she said, pausing to find the right word.

“A child?” Danielle suggested. Pssst, Danielle, kids don’t come out of the ass.

Well, we all knew Bruce was in pain and in bad shape, but we had NO idea. He revealed to us that he hadn’t gone to the bathroom since before the village feast reward, and yes, that was before the merge. Probably two weeks prior. Holy shit. No pun intended. Okay, maybe just a tad.

Later, several giant boxes arrived with the tree-mail. I thought they were coffins, and I was kind of right. They were more like doll coffins. Indeed, inside each box was a giant voodoo doll that each player had to take and makeover in their likeness. It was sort of like a rustic episode of Big Brother. Well, the arts and crafts soon began, and Cirie spent a good amount of effort stuffing her doll’s shirt with twigs — you know, to give the doll some curves. Let me tell you something, Cirie. That doll will need a whole hell of a lot of curves. What? She has huge breasts! Aras, meanwhile, created a little twig faux-hawk on his doll. Yes, it was a faux-faux-hawk, or as I like to call it, a meta-faux-hawk. It was terrible.

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Boobs.

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The Meta-Faux-Hawk

Luckily, I wouldn’t have to stare at the meta-faux-hawk for long. These dolls were soon placed in a reward challenge where most of them would be destroyed mercilessly, much like many unlucky gnomes, pigs, and dummies in the Big Brother house. Before we could get to the challenge, however, there was some business to tend to. Jeff told the gang to fill out the answers to various questions that had been written out for them. These questions were about the tribemates, and as we later found out, they were quite evil. The contestant all separated to fill out the survey in private, and suddenly, we saw the random image of a cleaver thwacking down on a stump. Didn’t know why that was there, but I was thinking that somebody might be losing a toe by the end of the challenge.

After everyone had scrawled their answers, Probst then said he would be asking the questions out loud, and the survivors would all have to answer who they thought the majority of people chose on their questionnaires. Again, very Big-Brother-Head-of-Household-competition-ish. I almost expected Julie Chen to emerge from the wilderness in a safari outfit and begin drilling the players. “Shane, I need an answer. I need an answer now. Shane. Shane. Shane. SHANE.” Can’t wait for the summer.

Anyway, remember those voodoo dolls? Well they were all hanging from a contraption, and associated with them were three torches and… okay, I won’t go into specifics. Basically, each doll had three ropes, and once they were all cut, the doll would be incinerated with flames and the person being burned in effigy would be eliminated from the challenge. And how does one cut these ropes? Well, everyone who answered Jeff’s questions correctly could take a chop with that cleaver. You see, it all makes sense now. Right?

Well, whoever’s doll was the last one standing would win the challenge. That person would take a helicopter ride somewhere and feast on all sorts of good food. The winner would also get to choose who’s going to Exile Island. Okay, enough expository information. Let’s play!

Just as we had hoped, Jeff’s questions were quite divisive, and right off the bat, they were going for the jugular. “Who does the least for the tribe?” Probst asked. The correct answer (a.k.a. what the majority of people wrote in their questionnaires) was Danielle. Severally people got it right, and soon the chopping began. Within about two seconds, Terry’s doll was en fuego, and even though cocky pilot was then out of commission, he did manage to chop one of his opponents’ ropes. “This game’s gettin’ real interesting,” Probst said, in a desperate attempt to hype this up. Honestly, it really wasn’t that interesting. Everyone knew Terry would be first.

Oh, but I should know better than to question Probst’s commentary. This game was about to get quite quite interesting. “Who never shuts up?” Probst asked. Answer: Courtney. Somewhere, a dead tortoise is saying, “I KNOW! Thank you!!!”

Next Probst asked, “Who mistakenly believes they are running the game?” The answer: SHANE! Ha, you just know that totally screwed with his mind. At the very least, it screwed with his syntax: “I am not perceived to think I am running this game,” he mumbled. This was followed by Courtney chopping one of his ropes. When Probst said that it had been a tough round for him, Cirie hunched over and busted out in laughter. ShaneRage building… building…

We then had a few uninteresting questions: everyone trusts Cirie with their lives, no one trusts Terry, etc. But then it was back to the venomous fun. “Who is the biggest poser?” Jeff asked. Between Aras, Courtney, and Shane, this would be a tough one. Courtney, meanwhile, had no idea what the question even meant. “What is a poser?” she asked, to which Jeff replied, “The answer to ‘What is a poser’ is YOU. Courtney is the right answer!” OH SNAP! Jeff just totally dissed her! Man, that was harsh. I’d been wondering where persnickety Probst had been all season, and BAM! He returned with a vengeance. Suck it up, Courtney. Jeff Probst just called you a poser on national TV.

Later, after correctly answer some other question, Courtney severed a second one of Shane’s ropes, causing him to grumble, “You’re the only one that’s hit me twice. Your life is changing.”

“Except that for the fact that you aren’t really running the game,” Jeff suddenly interjected. OH SNAP AGAIN!! Jeff is on FIRE! I just want to see him go down a long line of people and insult them in creative ways. You know he can do it.

Anyway, Shane continued to gripe about Courtney’s actions, saying he would make her life miserable around camp. She responded with rolled eyes and a reminder that this was just a game, but that wasn’t good enough. “Why would you hit me twice?” asked the increasingly paranoid Shane, and soon general bickering ensued. Finally Aras told everyone to simmer down by optimistically saying, “Guys, guys, can we rise above it?… It’s meant to splinter us.”

Then Terry inexplicably smiled broadly and sarcastically mocked, “Yeah, it’s meant to splinter you guys.” Shut up, Terry. At least someone’s doing it. For two weeks you couldn’t drive the simplest wedge in this group. The producers had to devise a game to do it for you. And by the way, that sort of smug attitude is just the sort of thing that will totally nullify these “splinters” as everyone will unite to kick you out.

Back to the questions, Probst then asked, “Who is the most annoying person out here?” The answer? No surprise here: Courtney. I did kind of feel badly for her. She’d now bore the brunt of several of these questions, and it was starting to take a toll on her. “Obviously, you’re surprised,” Probst said in response to her general crestfallen face.

“By being the answer to everything? Yeah,” Courtney replied. You’d think everyone would maybe try to cheer her up or console her, but instead, the only emotional support she received came from Cirie, who again burst out into uncontrollable laughter. I love Casaya.

Eventually, the challenge came down to Cirie vs. Shane and Aras. Each one of the guys had one rope left, and Cirie had to make the Sophie’s Choice of which man to cut free. As you can imagine, Shane was begging for mercy. The man just wanted to eat. I swear, he must have a worm. He’s ravenous about two hours after any big meal (of which he’s had many). Well, Shane may have wanted the food, and he may have had a special relationship with Cirie, but she had already made a pact with Aras. She cut Shane free, unleashing the sort of dust-kicking hissy fit we hadn’t seen since before the merge. “I’m just having an emotional reaction!” he said in the understatement of the hour. Soon his anger transformed into childish whining as he said, “I just wanna go on a jet and fly and eat a sandwich.” Other things he wanted: a juice box, his toys, and for his mom to never speak to him EVER AGAIN! HE HATES YOU!!! He then found a door in the middle of the forest and slammed it.

Well, eventually, Cirie won the reward (Aras totally threw it), and again, Shane pleaded for her to take him with her, but she instead picked Aras and Danielle. As for Exile Island, she sent Terry, who passive aggressively sulked, “I come to expect all bad things for right now, Jeff, until something changes.” Shut up, asshole. You’re the only reason you’re where you’re at. Stop acting like a victim.

As the winners headed off to their helicopter, Probst then told the rest of the gang, “Rough afternoon. I got nothing to make it better.” Well, at the very least, could you give Bruce a laxative? The guy’s more backed up than Star Jones’s toilet.

We then cut to a commercial, and when we returned, it was time to ooh and ahh at the wonderful reward. Yay helicopter ride! Yay food! Yay not being around stinky Shane! As the trio gobbled down some sweet looking food (I’m instantly hungry just thinking about it), they all gossiped about the challenge and how deflated Courtney seemed. “You should have seen her face,” Danielle said. Uh, actually, they were all there. They did see her face. Hence the conversation.

Speaking of Courtney, we found her back at camp commiserating with Shane. She was understandably pissed and sad about being the most annoying, the most poseurish, the most worst of everything in the camp. “I have to live with this for the rest of my life,” she said dramatically. C’mon now. I tend to think between now and old age, there will be larger dilemmas to occupy your mind. Nevertheless, Shane explained the situation to us. “She takes a lot of stuff personally,” he said. This coming from the man who threatened to kill Courtney for chopping his ropes in the reward challenge.

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Anyway, we then cut to some nasty dead fish in the water with a complimentary roving crab on top, free of charge. Such a rancid image could be a harbinger for one thing: intestinal woe! Yes, Bruce still could rustle his bowels into any movement, and we soon found him hobbling over to Shane. “Couldn’t pass a deuce,” he announced. Poor guy. I really felt badly for him. He then went to take a nap, but this turned into a groaning session and he struggled to get comfortable. Poor, poor guy. We then saw Shane and his blurred out pubic region. Gross. Poor us.

Well, we soon went from moans of anguish to moans of ecstasy as we headed back to the reward challenge where Cirie, Aras, and Danielle were receiving mud massages. The contrast between them and Bruce was borderline cruel. I loved it. You’re a sick bastard, Mark Burnett. Anyway, we saw some random footage of a masseur handling Danielle’s foot as if it were silly putty, and then later, as the gang sat around in bathrobes and gorged themselves on dinner, they talked about their fellow comrades. Their theory was that Courtney had a crush on Shane. Ooh! Fascinating. If those two ever hooked up, or worse, procreated, I think the human race would be in big trouble.

Back at camp, things had gone from bad to beyond worse for Bruce. He was in inscrutable agony, and if he was hurting, then you knew it was bad. After all, this is the guy who took a machete to the face with nary a complaint. Well, he was seriously in pain, but luckily, he had the soothing presence of Courtney to help him through the ordeal.

“If I sing you a song, will that help?” she asked (me: cackling).

“No,” Bruce replied tersely. And she wonders why she’s the most annoying on the tribe. Well, Bruce be damned. She was going to sing, and believe you me, the dulcet tones of her Siren-like voice would lull that pain away! But a few bars into her indecipherable tune, Bruce merely grunted and said, “Don’t.” Man. It was bad enough that Bruce was in the worst pain of his life. But to only have nutball Courtney and pyscho Shane as his bedside attendants? This was literally like the worst possible scenario of all time. Death row convicts are probably like, “Shit, that sucks.”

Eventually, Bruce could hold out no more. He called out for the medics, and after what looked to be about twenty or thirty minutes, the doc finally arrived. Question: why didn’t nurse Cirie help out with Bruce’s bowels over the past few days. I mean, she’s already dealt with Shane’s penis rash. I think she could handle some pooper problems. Anyway, as the medic assessed the situation, Bruce seemed to decline at a rapid rate. He probably knew he didn’t have to be so tough anymore and simply gave over to the pain. I really felt badly for the guy. I was practically yelling “MORPHINE! MORPHINE” at the screen. Luckily, the medic shoved a nice ol’ needle in his arm, and while normally that’s enough to make most people squirm, my concern for Bruce’s relief overpowered any icky feelings I may have had (to be honest, I’m not that grossed out by needles anyway. Eyeballs? That’s a different story).

The medic finally concluded that Bruce needed to be taken to a hospital (way to go, Doc. I’m sure the random hermit crab on the beach could have figured that one out), but guess what? This guy had arrived alone. That meant that Shane and Courtney had to help carry the stretcher. Tops on my list of people I don’t want carrying me in a stretcher: SHANE AND COURTNEY. “Do we have to do this right this second?” Shane asked. No, you idiot. Maybe in a few days, you know, after he’s DIED.

Amidst all the commotion, Shane then announced he was naked, thus making this scene the most simultaneously surreal, hilarious, scary, sad, compelling, and dramatic moment in reality TV history. Shane continued to describe his bare state by saying that he can’t sleep with wet pants. He too has a medical malady: diaper rash of the penis. I loved how he was explaining this when there was a guy literally dying at his feet. It’s like me bragging about my 2nd grade wiffleball skills to Albert Pujols. Kind of unimpressive.

Well, the gang with the help of a random Survivor staffer, finally rolled Bruce onto the stretcher. Just when we were again losing ourselves in the urgency of the moment, we then saw a giant blurry box around Bruce’s groin, thus highlighting the ridiculousness of the entire situation. Couldn’t he have put on his pants for like two seconds? Two seconds!

brucestretcher

Anyway, Bruce was loaded onto the boat and ferreted away, hopefully to some place with a giant supply of morphine. The next morning, we found Terry doing stretches on Exile Island, totally oblivious to any of the drama back at the Gitanos camp. He said that he was enjoying his time on the island because it gave him more time to think about strategy. And as we all know, Terry is a master strategist. I wonder what his next wonderful scheme will be? Maybe he’ll guarantee someone a spot on the jury! Or maybe he’ll just promise someone the purdiest seashell he can find (knowing Courtney, that would actually work on her).

Back at camp, Courtney and Shane solidified their alliance by saying they’d look out for each other. Unfortunately, word choice is of the essence, and Courtney accidentally made an offer for anal sex: “You know I want to be on your backside, and I would like you to be on mine,” she said. Oddly enough, this didn’t faze Shane at all. Once the two agreed that they’d be faithful to each other, Shane did what he always does: threatened certain homicidal retribution should he be screwed over. Specifically, he said, “I’ll drive up, and I’ll kill you in your little apartment, and I’ll drive over to my club, and that will be it.” Yikes.

“That was really nice,” Courtney replied sarcastically. She then added (for real), “I don’t have a shitty apartment.” Threatening to murder her? Whatever. But calling her apartment small? BLOODY SHAME ON YOU!

Suddenly, Shane absolutely exploded and yelled, “Well, obviously, dude, I’ve never been in your APARTMENT! I DON’T KNOW IF IT WAS SHITTY OR NOT! IT WAS AN ADJECTIVE! DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING SO PERSONAL!!!” Technically, I think it was Shane who was taking things “personal” by yelling at Courtney’s defense of her apartment, but that’s neither here nor there. Point is that Shane is cah-RAY-zee. I know, I know — these two had smiles on their faces the entire time, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that they should both be put on meds as soon as possible. Shane then told us, “She’s a lunatic, man.” Yes. She’s a lunatic. Read this and other laughable statements from the book, My Life with the Kettle: A Pot’s Story.

Shane then explained that his strategy was to take Courtney to the final two. She was so nuts, he’d be able to win over her easily. Suddenly it occurred to me: these two would make an awesome final two. Could you even imagine Shane replying to jury questions? While I want Cirie to win this whole thing, I can’t deny my now rampant desire to see the catastrophe that would be Shane and Courtney battling it out for votes at the end.

Well, at forty minutes into the episode, it was clear there’d be no immunity challenge or Tribal Council. Translation: Bruce ain’t coming back. But that’s okay. With all the craziness going down, I was loving this episode so far. Eventually, the reward winners returned to camp to find pure disarray. Bruce was gone, Courtney was sulking, and Shane had turned into a wild, snake-catching primate. It was kind of like those episodes of The Simpsons when Marge goes away for a night and the household degenerates into complete chaos and bedlam. Anyway, Shane was still super pissed about the whole reward snub, and he was not about to hide it. He kvetched to Aras that he had carried Cirie on his back all these weeks, but as far as I could remember, he was the one who had always been planning to vote her off. Whatever. He’s crazy.

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“And that’s when I told the floating pumpkin head to leave the camp. Leave it forever! But then it summoned an army of gorilla monsters, and they all had pitchforks made of bone and gumdrops. I tried to find my Elixir of Divine Energy, but then the palm trees grew arms and held me back and…!”

Nevertheless, Cirie talked privately with her disgruntled buddy and tried to reaffirm her alliance with him. She said that the three — she, Aras, and Shane — were still intact. But how could Shane be sure of that? Well, he made her swear on her children’s lives. Yes, the fatal flaw of nearly all Survivor contestants. And sure enough, Cirie agreed to it. To be fair, Shane also swore on his son’s life, but that really doesn’t mean anything since he uses his kid as a bargaining chip whenever it’s convenient. I’m sure he’s lost his son in like five different poker games already. But seriously, he loves him.

After the break, we shifted away from all the strategy talk and returned focus on Bruce. Courtney took it upon herself to clean his Zen Garden, which was really nice. Too bad she didn’t know how much Bruce hated when she got anywhere near it. To show that they were thinking of him, she then wrote “Love Bruce” in stones, which didn’t seem very zen to me, but it was a nice gesture nonetheless. If only there were a dead sea tortoise nearby to truly cap off the symbolism.

Suddenly, on the horizon a boat appeared. This was obviously Jeff Probst arriving to tell us that Bruce would be gone from the game. But no. It was Terry returning from Exile Island! Terry… and Jeff! Both of them! Everyone wins! Yay! Anyway, Jeff and Terry deboated (what? If “deplaned” is a word, I certainly think “deboated” should be one also), and as everyone circled around, the scene became very awkward. We could tell that Jeff had something to say, but he was hiding it behind that grinning rictus on his face. Anyway, the gang all gathered ’round the campfire, and Uncle Jeff explained the situation with Bruce for all those who hadn’t been filled in (TERRY). The big news was that Bruce got to the hospital just in time because his whole digestive system — from the colon to the intestine — was all blocked up. Completely. You see, kids? This is why butt-plugs are bad.

Okay, okay. I’m sure Bruce was not the victim of a stubborn butt plug. Nevertheless, Bruce’s condition was good now, and he would make a recovery, but for him, the game was over. He would no longer be in the running to be America’s Next Top Model. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant he would no longer be in the running to be the sole Survivor. With any luck, he’d be back for the next Tribal Council, but there were no guarantees. Also, there would be no immunity challenge or Tribal Council (you’re very lucky, Terry). Jeff then left the group and waded back into the water where he awkwardly launched/stumbled back into his boat. And with that, the show drew to a close.

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Smooth.

We still had Bruce’s family moment, which featured his daughter and wife saying that the grill was ready for him. Uh, I don’t know how to break it to you guys, but unless someone finds a way to serve barbecued Ex-Lax, I think the grill might go untouched this summer.

As for the closing words, I was hoping we’d get some hospital bed commentary from Bruce — or at the very least, a little thumbs up like when football players are carted off the field, but no. Instead, we just saw an inspirational retread of Bruce’s karate practice on Exile Island. The first time I saw this footage many weeks ago, it was hilarious. Now it just seemed strange — like it was some bizarre memorial.

What did you think about this episode? Did you miss Tribal Council? Or did you enjoy the characters and medical drama?

About

63 Comments

  1. 1
    Jesus_loves_you
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 1:44 am

    B-Side,

    I completely agreee, the moment Shane said I could beat Courtney in the final two, I thought that would be the most interesting survivor finale since Kelly and Richard, they need to make the final two. But sadly I’m getting sucked in rooting for the underdog, that is former Navy fighter pilot, Terry. If he could just keep winning, and keep his mouth shut, like fireman Tom did, he’d have a chance of taking this, but Iceman is talking way too much smack. But how is that surprising, Maverick and Mother Goose weren’t exactly two humble pilots either. Humble fighter jet pilots don’t exist, and the reason being they’ll get shot out of the sky in a heartbeat.

  2. 2
    Jesus_loves_you
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 2:47 am

    Being the HUGE fan that you are of Cirie, B-Side, you left out one SMALL detail that Shane mentioned when he said he’d been carrying her for weeks. He’d been carrying all 300 pounds of her for weeks, not just carrying her. So Shane now thinks he jusitfied in his anger because he carried a big girl around, oh just wait until the reunion show.

  3. 3
    zoobabe
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 4:46 am

    Very good episode- so thanks for the quick recap B-side! The morose music that was played during Bruce’s medical emergency made me think that he was really worse off than he was. It was pretty clear to me what was wrong with him. and how any of them (especially the nurse) couldn’t figure out that he had to get help quickly was beyond me. Once again, the editing has to belie the truth b/c the show’s specialists were obviously keeping an eye on his condition.

    The reward challenge was a huge one. I was eating dinner and still was hungry when I saw all that food! Shane’s bitterness and threatening of Courtney was pure comedy gold, and Cirie’s giggling plus the faux-faux-hawk that Aras made on his doll were too cute! I think I like Aras a lot better now. He’s very handsome and seems to be playing/stategizing well.

  4. 4
    Wizzard
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 4:57 am

    Isn’t Shane the most selfish S.O.B. you’ve ever seen. He gets all mad and everything when Cirie didn’t pick him for the reward. Like, what has he ever done for her besides treat her like dirt and a second-rate tribe member. You mean to tell me that he actually expected her to take him? What a piece of work. That’s pretty typical for a marketing exec. I’ve known a few and they’re all the same…a bunch of egotistical assholes. Watch me get all kinds of hate mail now.

    Zoobabe, I noticed that music too and when they started playing it I knew right then that he would be out of the game. I feel bad for him, he had a genuinely competitive spirit for the game. It’s a shame to have to go out like that.

  5. 5
    Lizardqueen
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 5:12 am

    Don’t bring me down Bruce. You’d think they could throw a guy some prune juice after 2 days. Would that interfere with the game more than someone winding up in the hospital? I could not believe Courtney decided to sing to Bruce and his seized up bowel after being told not to! What a complete bufoon this woman is.

    As much as I have hated on Terry, I’m always a sucker for the underdog. I may have to root for him from now on. But does he have to be such a surly little bitch?
    Cerie shouldn’t have fallen into the swear on your kid game with Shane. I’m pretty sure if you cross him with that promise he will hunt down your children and kill them. And think that it is perfectly reasonable. A Courtney and Shane final two showdown would be fabulous. It’d be like a presidential election. Either way, you’re screwed.

  6. 6
    Lubin Odana
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 5:15 am

    Julie Chen in a safari suit indeed. I can’t wait for the summer either.

    I’m not sure if threatening to kill someone on national television is a crime, but it probably should be. And for the sake of everyone, when the game ends, they should change the name of Exile Island to “Shane Island” and just leave him there (but leave the cameras running – it’d give Stephen King material for years to come).

  7. 7
    jelliepair
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 5:53 am

    Snappy title – great recap B-Side! Already had to fake cough to cover my giant laugh/snort while reading this huddled in my office this morning.

    Shane, Shane, Shane – you are an idiot among idiots – in fact, you are their KING. How about his little rant towards the end where he says his lunacy was all planned and he is in control? How has this man lasted out there for this long? Cirie should smother him in his sleep for his 300# comment and if Aras is smart and wants to go with Cirie, he should tell her about that conversation.

    And for god sake, couldnt Shane have put on his t-shirt skirt while they moved Bruce onto the stretcher? What is supremely scary about this mental image is that he and courtney were alone in the camp with the plugged up Bruce and Shanes boys were just a dangling in the wind – I find that disturbing and gross and ewwww.

    I didnt miss the challange because Terry would have won but it might have been fun to watch them figure out who to vote off of their own dysfunctional little family – who do you think they might have targeted? Courtney the poser or Danielle who does nothing??

  8. 8
    Yota
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:01 am

    Poor Bruce. That must have been absolutely horrible. I was hoping that he would get something other than a spot on the jury. Maybe the latest ugliest car in america that gm is going to give to someone later on could have been given to him sort of as a parting gift. I really felt bad for him.

    I thought it was kind of odd that the “rescue team” consisted of one aussie emt. And why did it take so freakin long for Bruce to get any help? I mean if he was bleeding he wouldn’t have made it. Memo to survivor producers: have your “rescue team” just a LITTLE closer to the contestants so if something serious happens someone dosen’t die before they get there. I understand this is a part of the concept of the show-surviving in the wilderness but, after all it is only a gameshow.

  9. 9
    jack
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:09 am

    in-SHANE-ity! i love it!

    gotta admit, i felt a mild whimper of pity for poor courtney, who not only got to be ripped by her tribe-mates in the challenge, but who also got to replay the whole moment last night, with the added insult of seeing shane compare her to glenn close in ‘fatal attraction’ and aras, cirie, and danielle discussing her insecurities and her obvious (and extremely pathetic) crush on shane.

    but in case you’re still wondering, courtney: a big part of what makes you a poser is that you care so much what people think about you. a true-blue neo-crunchy rainbow family member wouldn’t be so desperate for the approval of a thuggish, chain-smoking, bi-polar hollywood club promoter who considers carrying a suffering friend’s stretcher a major personal inconvenience.

    but what would we do without shane to keep this game interesting? sr. powers is reality TV gold. not since eric the fireman on big brother has a more myopic, delusional narcissist graced our TV screens. hypocritical, thuggish, self-righteous and self-obsessed, bashing his teammates right and left and making ominous 8th grade-bully threats when they don’t say or do as he commands–what’s not to love?

    but the reward challenge was revealing, because despite their clear irritation with courtney and shane, none of the 3 lucky casayans even broached the subject of getting rid of them. shane’s one sign of clear thinking this week was his observation that courtney would be a great person to end up with in the final 2, and aras, cirie, and danielle are all obviously angling to end up with one of the 2 wack-os as well.

    which leaves me wondering: who would have gone last night if bruce hadn’t taken ill and terry won immunity again? are cirie, aras, and shane really that tight, or is cirie angling to get rid of aras, the most competent and among the most likable of the casaya 5? would casaya have been willing to boot a good potential final 2 partner like courtney just to make the last few weeks more bearable? would shane’s schizo-rage and volatility have prompted the tribe to oust him? my guess is that bruce would have been the target even if he was healthy, as he is the closest to terry and would be hard to beat in the finals (he’d have the 3 la mina votes in the bag for sure), but aras is the biggest threat. what does everyone else think?

  10. 10
    RealityTV4Me
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:45 am

    Wizzard (#4) – That’s pretty typical for a marketing exec. I’ve known a few and they’re all the same…a bunch of egotistical assholes. Watch me get all kinds of hate mail now.

    I’ll start the hate mail. Just joking. I happen to be a marketing specialist myself. However, I am in charge of crunching numbers for a financial institution in order to better target existing customers and non-customers. I am NOT on the sales end of things. Eww! I choose to believe that is where the difference lies. (At least, I hope!)

    I, too yelled out to Shane when he asked if they had to carry the stretcher right now. No, asswipe, wait another couple hours til the sun comes up and you feel a little more rested!

    Love Cirie. Wishing she would win. However, my money is on Danielle.

  11. 11
    RealityTV4Me
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:47 am

    Oh, yeah…if Courtney had any reason to question her tribemates thinking on her being the biggest poseur, most annoying, most talkative, and most likely to succumb to imitiation, just check out the footage of her “helping” Bruce by doing exactly the opposite of what he requested.

    Stop singing, b!+@#!!

  12. 12
    RealityTV4Me
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:49 am

    Holy crap, I need to proofread. Should have said succumb to intimidation.

  13. 13
    chronic
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:54 am

    I love Shane!

    As for everyone else, I’m kinda rooting for Terry to make life as difficult for Casaya as possible. And felt this week the Exile Island twist was detrimental. Of course, there were plenty of shenagigans. But it would’ve been a good chance for Terry to prey upon Shane and Courtney and shake things up (probably would’ve been bungled, mind). It’s always entertaining when you have people away at a reward challenge, as it gives ample opportunity for plotting among the pissed off people left behind. I’m a bit disappointed that Casaya has yet to splinter. Courtney and Danielle are bloody idiots for being happy with the pecking order. Neither of them seems the least bit interested in coming up with a plan to get to the final 3.

    For some reason, Cirie’s incessant giggling was bugging the living crap out of me. As likeable a player as she is, I’ve always been more or less indifferent to her, and didn’t think laughing in everyone’s faces was the best call. But good on Aras for throwing the challenge, he’s my top pick right now. And has a pretty strong plan in place with Cirie and Shane as his final three. He’s starting to look pretty unstoppable, unless Terry can come up with an immunity run.

  14. 14
    Wizzard
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:54 am

    realitytv4me (#10)- I’m glad that you knew I wasn’t serious about all you marketing types….although I have known a couple to fit the description pretty well.

    I too noticed how Shane felt “inconvenienced” about helping carry Bruce’s stretcher. What a dink!

  15. 15
    joyfulchicken
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 7:12 am

    I agree. Shane + Courtney would be the best final two ever.

    So Bruce hadn’t pooped in two weeks. Two weeks? Was that around the time when he spent a night with Bobby in the outhouse? Hmm :-|

    And of course, we had one of the silliest pieces of dialogue of the season….

    Bruce: I feel really constipated and sick to my stomach.
    Shane: You can’t poop?

    *Sigh* Of course he can’t poop, Shane. What do you think “constipated” means?

  16. 16
    HoneyBunny
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 8:01 am

    Shane and Courtney back at camp after the Reward Challenge reminded me of the Nerd Herders from BB – when they realize that they are NOT the cool ones and no one really likes them!
    Poor Bruce – his last memories are of Shane’s penis rash and Courtney’s American Idol audition.

    hb

  17. 17
    copygodd
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 8:44 am

    man, that was rough watching bruce, as i went through the same thing a few years back. ended up in the hospital for four days with a tube down my nose which they used to suck everything out of my stomach. (yes, it’s even more disgusting than it sounds.)

    in retrospect, that was definitely the wrong week to quit shooting morphine.

  18. 18
    karen
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 8:46 am

    heck with the Survivors, send me that Aussie EMT!yummy!

  19. 19
    Doodle
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 8:52 am

    I was really hoping Shane would yell “Jeff!!! That’s MY STUMP!” when they sat down by the fire.

  20. 20
    September
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 8:59 am

    I like cerie the best on the show, but my God..it looked like she had an ass in her shirt.

  21. 21
    JasonR
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 9:21 am

    First of all, B-Side, one of your best Survivior recaps EVER. Of course this week gave you lots of great material to work with.

    While I agree Shane is selfish and crazy, I think when he asked the medic if they needed to move Bruce “right this minute” it was because he was seeing if he had time to put pants on.

    I feel bad for Bruce, but he was definitely the next one to go. He was the only Casaya left that wasn’t really in the inner circle of the alliance so he would have been the last easy call that all of them could have agreed on without splintering into subgroups.

    If Aras did throw the reward challenge it was a very sharp move. He knew he would get brought along anyway, and he got to make Cirie the villian who had to choose favorites and alienate others.

    Can anyone help me figure out Bruce’s family dymanic from the Febreze moment? It appeared as if Bruce’s wife and daughter are Asian-American also, so who were the Caucasian people?

  22. 22
    masmith103
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 9:38 am

    JasonR – I thought it was Caucasian wife and daughter on the left, Bruce’s sister on the right and an in-law of sorts, mother, father, I don’t remember who was standing behind in back. ???? possible. The Asian woman looked to young to be his mother. For some reason I was thinking he was married to a Caucasian woman.

    Yota – Maybe they did offer the GM to Bruce… but him being of Asian decent probably recognized the inferior quality and said thanks, but no thanks. Hmmm????

    Go Cirie!!!!

  23. 23
    flymotha
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 9:48 am

    While I’m sure Bruce can endure all sorts of pain, I was very upset that they let him go two whole weeks without pooping (or dropping a deuce in Bobby-speak), considering how dangerous that can be… unless he wasn’t upfront about how long it had been. Good Lord, what happened when he finally went… okay, I don’t want to think about that anymore.

    Shane’s nakedness was so disturbing. Bruce is in the worst pain of his life and he has to be subjected to Courtney singing and Shane’s gross, emaciated, chafed body. But after finding out that Courtney might have a crush on him, I was wondering if she was turned on at all by his naked stretcher carrying.

    I just love the Shane insanity but looking at the previews of next week where he’s pretending a rock is his blackberry… could he really be that crazy, or is at least part of it an act to be a memorable character?

  24. 24
    lull
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 9:48 am

    Can anyone help me figure out Bruce’s family dymanic from the Febreze moment? It appeared as if Bruce’s wife and daughter are Asian-American also, so who were the Caucasian people?

    JasonR – i missed the credits last night; but wasn’t his wife caucasian?

  25. 25
    Babs
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 9:52 am

    Karen, I’m with ya on that Aussie EMT! B-Side, can you get a good closeup of him posted?

    Now the problem for the former Casayans is, if Terry doesn’t win immunity, they’ll vote for him and he’ll be forced to use the idol. But they can’t all vote for him, b/c he’ll most likely vote for Aras. They need Aras to stick around b/c he’s the closest they have to beating Terry. They’ll have to cast 4 votes for Terry and 2 for someone like Courtney, so she gets canned instead of Aras. I wonder if they’ll be able to figure that out?

  26. 26
    carol
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 10:09 am

    Terry’s Idol can be used through the final four.

    Cirie really didn’t swear on her kids, she just kind of mumbled, but she did swear on shane’s kid.

    Side note – Aras is currently dating Torrey DeVitto who is Karen from ABCFamily’s “Beautiful People”

  27. 27
    Clair
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 10:13 am

    I think Shane was nakee because he knew he’d be going in the water with the stretcher and didn’t want to sleep in wet pants.

  28. 28
    Shollia
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 10:48 am

    Whoever said that Shane wqas the most selfish SOB was right on the money. I just can’t stand him.. and not in the good way either like some of the other reality villains. He’s just annoying as hell and I just want someone to punch him until his head pops off.

    Anyways…. I loved the previews for next week’s episode. OMG I was cracking up.. with them playing the coo-coo noise when Shane started talking about communicating with people off the island.. and then Cirie battling a ‘monster’ and all it was was a fish… HA! It had me loling :D

  29. 29
    Bobbie
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 10:56 am

    Was I the only one who noticed Danielle’s blantant double-dipping of the empanada?! Yo, biotch, at least turn that delectable, golden-brown pastry to the UNBITTEN side before goin’ back in for a schlump of sauce! Yuck!

  30. 30
    needrealitytv
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 11:11 am

    This isn’t a spoiler, as it’s just a guess, but…

    A few weeks ago, TV Guide.com asked Nick about the Bruce/machette incident and the confusion as to the previews showing us someone being taken off on a stretcher. Nick said that what we saw on the preview hadn’t happened yet (this was three weeks ago, or so.) But, I kept wondering, if Nick isn’t on the jury, he shouldn’t have any interaction with the rest of the remaining tribe members, and wouldn’t know what’s going on with the tribes. But, now it makes sense to me…I bet Nick knew about the stretcher incident because, ultimately, Bruce will not be well enough to get back on the jury and they will have to bring back the last player voted off before the jury was formed…Nick.

    Just a guess…

  31. 31
    Tabby Lavalamp
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 11:15 am

    Even though the numbers are against him, with the way he’s dominating immunity challenges, is Terry really the underdog? If anything, I’m rooting for someone to finally beat him in a challenge (which is why, while this episode had the most dramatic exit of a player in a while, I was disappointed there wasn’t an immunity challenge). It’s like a whole tribe of underdogs against one dominant player. Plus with his smug smirk, I just want Terry gone.

    Shane in the final two sounds fun, but so does the idea of his reaction to being voted off, his final words, and his potential rants as a jury member.

    Finally, the reward challenge. The producers throw one like this in every season (though this one was more delightfully evil). Knowing it’s coming, why the hell don’t people plan in advance for it? If you’re not allowed to chop your own rope, ask people to do it for you! Seasons have been lost on these ones when people realize where they are on the pecking order.
    Seriously, if you ever find yourself on Survivor, when it comes to one of these elimination luxury competitions, let the low person in the pecking order in your alliance win! If they were playing smart, they would have let Bruce or Danielle win. Or heck, Shane, just to keep peace in camp. As an alliance, you know it’s coming so plan it out in advance.
    As for the questions, come on, it’s obvious what they’re going to be used for. Play smart and answer “Terry” for each question!

  32. 32
    stacyrocks
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 11:30 am

    *needrealitytv (#30);

    We might get another serving of yummy Nick? I’d like Bruce to be okay and come back for the jury but if it doesn’t work out that way, I will be very happy with Nick… he’s hot. :)

    -Thanks B-Side for the quick recap! Awesome one too!

    I can’t blame Cirie for not helping Bruce, it’s not like she could give him anything to provoke a BM, also it was a matter of how quickly Bruce’s condition worsened. They said he was hurting with dealing with the pain in private but right around challenge time, that’s when he could barely walk and started really shaking.

    Anyways, I was happy that Cirie won a challenge and her ruffling some feathers (Shane’s mostly) might be good because she’s not gonna be seen as the most beloved person on the island anymore and she might be taken to final 2… but that’s just my wish, *sigh*. You go girl!

    I cannot wait for next week to see who gets voted off!! Jeffy was reaching in his pocket for the reward challenge so it’s probably the return of the GM CAR CURSE!! Give it to Terry! He’s not an underdog when he has had freaking double immunity every week, he needs to be OUT real quick!! Let Casaya implode and see who emerges!! :)

  33. 33
    AbbyAnn
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 11:53 am

    I would like to see how Casaya deals with Terry, knowing he has the hidden idol. I mean, will some of them be smart enough to do a secondary vote so that Terry’s one vote won’t determine who goes once he plays the idol?

  34. 34
    Shoe-In
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 11:58 am

    I feel bad for Bruce, even though I dont think he would have made it to the final 2 anyway.

    Even though Bruce did have a serious medical condition, I must admit I was hoping for something a little more exciting (since we’ve been seeing previews for this incident for weeks on end), like someone falling into a fire or another crazy machete accident.

  35. 35
    carol
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 12:13 pm

    needrealitytv #30-

    I agree with you. I just watched Survivor Live and they totally let Bruce answer questions they wouldn’t let Austin answer last week because he was on the jury. But that is just a guess, I hope Bruce is on the jury, he loves the game so much.

  36. 36
    jeff
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 12:32 pm

    I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this, but for a Navy Fighter Pilot, smug isn’t an attitude – it’s the only mode of existence.

    You try putting a fighter jet down on a carrier deck and night and see if you don’t get cocky about succeding at it.

  37. 37
    carol
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 12:37 pm

    anoyone else notice that shane was the answer to the question about who thinks they are running the show but really they are not? Then later after his little outburst with Aras he was saying how his knows he is in control of the game. He was not listening to the questions like courtney was.

  38. 38
    Mark
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 12:43 pm

    I felt sorry for Courtney.

    I felt sorry for Bruce.

    Most of all, I felt sorry for Cirie. SHANE KISSED HER FOREHEAD. Desanitize that NOW.

  39. 39
    masmith103
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 1:09 pm

    Mark – that is EXACTLY what my husband said about Shane kissing Cirie at the time. He even yelled it at the tv. “DESANITIZE NOW”. We’ll have to see if there was any transfer of the fungus that Shane lovingly calls his brain. ICK!

  40. 40
    KatiesHole
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 1:19 pm

    Terry is still looking yummy to me, and Aras too now. I’m getting all turned out!

    Poor Bruce, the American public knows far too much as to what’s going on with his bowels. I find it embarassing!

    I like the Courtney/Shane fighting. Reminds me of Flavo Flav and Brigitte Nielsen. Give them a VH1 show.

    KH

  41. 41
    redhaiku
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 1:21 pm

    I really hope Terry makes a comeback.

    Of course, Terry is my name in the pool and I would win some cash, so I may be biased.

    Aras is a smart cookie…

    1. For recognizing the purpose of the challenge and stating it to his tribemates.

    2. For throwing the challenge so he still gets to come with but Cirie gets the shit from it.

    Plus, he’s kind of hot.

  42. 42
    NB
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 1:30 pm

    I TOTALLYknow what you mean Jeff #36, I was so f**** smug when I got the speed and altitude all lined up on the first level of Top Gun and landed my plane without crashing my friends wanted to beat me up. But I was just like, “No way man, this isn’t an attitude. This is my mode of existence.”

  43. 43
    MrsC
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 1:37 pm

    “Buy a bowel…” snicker snicker. Sorry.

    While I was glad no one was seriously hurt,I was a little disappointed the whole medical emergency was just “stopped up stuff.” Thought for sure with Courtney’s fireball thingeys she’d get herself or someone else burned. Or maybe Shane’s nic-ing would turn into some kind of serious withdrawls that made him a threat to himself or others and he was the one to go. Something a little more dramatic atleast.

    Courtney was nice in trying to console him, but woman, couldn’t you see he is in AGONY and then you go and sing to him?! And then you wonder why you were unanimously put as the most annoying tribemate?!

    Poor Bruce. Sucks to have to go out like that.

  44. 44
    sydsmum
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 1:44 pm

    B-Side, tears are literally rolling down my face. Great recap. This season’s Survivor is so entertaining. I love Jeff Probst, but you’re so right – he looked lame climbing back into the boat. The reality is that Bruce probably required major surgery to fix that major blockage. UGH.

  45. 45
    mangos
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 2:24 pm

    Wow this eposide was so great! I was so excited to see Crazy Shane back in action, he’s been stable for way too long! And him carrying Bruce’s stretcher naked made my day, it just doesnt get funnier than that! I will cry if he gets voted off, he is so entertaining!

  46. 46
    zevonia
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 2:33 pm

    I agree B-Side, this was an awsome episode. Especially with the craziness coming back to Casaya.
    I don’t think Aras threw the challange- he’s just not that bright. Cute but not bright and his faux hawk just makes me think of recently retired Mark from RW/RR Challenges.
    I loved Shane talking about Courtney taking everything so personal when that is all he ever does. Remember the first tribal council after the merge and his reaction to the La Minas voting for him? That cuckoo sound in the previews was priceless! If I were Courtney, I would worry more about the death threat from Shane than any perceived slight about my apartment.
    Jason R (#21)- I agree that Shane was just wondering if he had time to put on his pants but I still made a sarcastic remark when he said it.
    Bobbie (#29)- I too saw the double dipping and was grossed out but maybe after what they’ve had to eat on the island it was no big deal.
    I’m sorry Bruce had to go this way but I agree with previous comments that he probably wouldn’t have made it to the final two anyway.
    This season just gets better and better- thanks for the recap, B-Side!

  47. 47
    tvismylife
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 2:47 pm

    While it is true that Cirie is a nurse, I don’t know what you were expecting her to do to relieve Bruce’s situation. Perhaps she could have made an enema out of coconut shells and sea water? It sounds as if Bruce’s condition was too serious to be handled by the survivors. Poor guy. I too would be embarrassed if the whole world knew I had to drop a deuce the size of Shane.

  48. 48
    Shollia
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 2:49 pm

    #37… Rofl I caught that and even mentioned it to my bf.
    Shane is a moron and so needs to go.
    No it wouldn’t be fun to see him in the final 2 b/c I really don’t wanna see him win anything.

  49. 49
    masmith103
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 3:03 pm

    zevonia – I think u figured it out, with what they have been going through double dipping is the least of their worries. This episode they were all eating from one big pot of beans and they were using the same shell over and over as a spoon. They probably have as much of everyone’s saliva as if they played tonsil hockey every night.

  50. 50
    derder
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 3:31 pm

    Shane is such a hideous individual. But I fear this show wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining if he got the boot. What is with his protruding fish belly? There are always shots of him sticking it out like one of those poor ravaged starving children on those Sally Struthers commercials. I always expect a screen-shot from B-Side, but haven’t seen one yet. And yeah, him asking the EMT if Bruce needs to go now was just too much. Fucking nimrod.

  51. 51
    georgiababe
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After the previews of Bruce moaning last week, I had this sinking feeling that he would be the one on the stretcher. WAAAAAH!!!! Well, if Bruce can’t win (I’m not really sure that he would have anyway) then I want either Terry or Cirie to win. I really didn’t like Cirie at the beginning, when she helped Melinda and Ruth Marie vote off Tina, but she has been growing on me for the past few weeks.

    Shane is a psycho. I mean, who is HE to talk about being taking things too personal when he was the one who freaked out after Courtney (I think) joked about taking his “thinking stump”? Honestly, that man needs a check up from the neck up. The first few days I blamed his craziness on nicotine withdrawal, but after 25 days, shouldn’t the nicotine be out of his system and the withdrawal be over? He is just a nutcase. Him and Courtney.

    Also, did anyone notice the footage of the dead turtle? They had this little montage after the commercial (as usual) that happened to be a bird pecking at something, so I looked closer and I swear it was a turtle. This piece of info is kind of irrelevant, but I thought that it would make some interesting footage if Courtney found it.

  52. 52
    Wizzard
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 5:41 pm

    Poor Bruce. I really felt bad for him. Talk about a lousy day. First, he hasn’t taken a dump in two weeks and he’s found himself lying there in agony unable to function. Then it gets so bad that they have to call in the medics, which must have had him see the writing on the wall about having to leave the game. I’m sure deep down he knew it was all over. Then to top it all off he has to contend with Shane’s crusty scrotum dangling in his face as he’s getting carried to the boat. It just doesn’t get any worse than that.

  53. 53
    Keyser Soze
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:25 pm

    “And as we all know, Terry is a master strategist. I wonder what his next wonderful scheme will be? Maybe he’ll guarantee someone a spot on the jury!” and
    “Shane then told us, “She’s a lunatic, man.” Yes. She’s a lunatic. Read this and other laughable statements from the book, My Life with the Kettle: A Pot’s Story.”
    Possibly the funniest snark I have ever read.
    I agree that a Shane/Courtney final two is the stuff that reality tv dreams are made of.
    If I were Cirie, I would have calmly reminded Shane that he was going to vote her 300lb ass off, right after the first merge, and had no problem letting her know that at the time.
    I also announced a hottie alert when that Aussie EMT showed up. Yum Yum.
    The screencap of the stretcher scene shows Courtney checking out Shane’s twig & berries, with a mixture of curiosity, and
    amusement at it’s smallness. I swear that Shane and Charlie Manson were seperated at birth.

  54. 54
    zoobabe
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 6:30 pm

    #47- I didn’t say that I thought Cirie should be able to DO anything for Bruce, just recognize the seriousness of the situation and implore him to get medical attention whether it meant leaving the game or not. If you hadn’t droppped a duece in 2 weeks, wouldn’t you be concerned?

    needrealitytv- good comment/guess about Nick. It makes sense and would be totally cool as Nick was really wanting to make the jury.

  55. 55
    wandernview
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 7:52 pm

    Am I the only one with the urge whenever Shane is onscreen to edit in Six from BSG behind him?

    Also great family moment, granted it was taped and canned without knowing what was going on but yeah I’m sure after you basically can’t take a crap for awhile you want to pound some meat down.

    Lastly this raises a interesting point, what if a castaway dies while filming? Would they halt production? Would they let the news out? Authorities would need to be notified, unless your shot down in Texas. Or would they hold it until it airs?

  56. 56
    mangos
    Posted April 21, 2006 at 9:18 pm

    #51, Im pretty sure they did show a dead turtle. Too bad Courtney didnt find it hehe, Shane would have probably started yelling at her for crying over it.

    Good question 55. When they started playing that music when Bruce was getting carried out I thought he might die. They played the same music when Jenna left All Stars and her mom died, so I didnt know if that was the Survivor ‘death’ song. I guess not.

  57. 57
    Zharak
    Posted April 22, 2006 at 12:04 am

    Aras totally threw the rewards competition. Less likely not to survive in the wilderness and he says it’s Terry? He knew he was going with Cirie and he wanted to take a pot shot at the cocky pilot.

  58. 58
    Jesus_loves_you
    Posted April 22, 2006 at 1:24 am

    #57 You are right on the money Aras’s last answer was a shot at Terry, which Terry did take exception to. Aras is much smarter than I thought.

    I know everyone agrees that Shane is psycho, but there is no way any smart survivor player would vote him out at this point. Part of me thinks he is playing up his maniacal side for the camera at this point, and when , yes , when he makes the final two he will reveal, hey I was sane, I used it as a ploy to be the most hated to get me to the finals. I’m totally on the fence on whether Shane is really sane, but like I said who would lose to this guy in the final two other than Courtney, Danielle, or possibly Terry. Right now Terry’s the favorite to make it, because he has the heart and determination, but he is the longshot to win, as I think Casaya will probably take advantage of their position to finally screw him.

  59. 59
    chick110
    Posted April 23, 2006 at 2:17 pm

    RealityTV4Me #10: “However, my money is on Danielle.”

    This makes sense. It’s like the Marquesas one where Vecepia won and had basically done nothing but stay out of arguments and sit around. Now, I HOPE she doesn’t win, but I figure she will since I can’t stand her.

    I thought the pics of Shane’s son were hilarious, oops, I mean Shane’s best friend forever… No wonder he can only get his kid as a friend–he’s too screwy for anyone else to befriend him.

    Joyfulchicken–thank you again for your blogs, I get a chuckle out of them every week. :)

  60. 60
    chick110
    Posted April 23, 2006 at 2:21 pm

    Oh, I forgot… That one picture of Shane stuffing his face totally reminds me of Yoda. I have to chuckle every time I see it.

  61. 61
    bridgeguy
    Posted April 24, 2006 at 7:18 am

    I agree. Aras is pretty smart. However, he didn’t “know” he was going to be going along with Cirie even if he lost the challenge. Probst didn’t let them in on that until AFTER the challenge was over. Based on previous Survivors he probably figured there was a good chance of that (hence the promises to take each other), but it was still a calculated risk. If he lets Cirie win and she is allowed to take guests, then 1) He still gets the reward but without the appearance of actually winning it and 2) as someone mentioned, Cirie gets to be seen as the “bad guy” when she has to make the choice of who to take, not him. And even if it turned out that Cirie could not take any guests 1) Even though it was pretty obvious he threw the challenge, it still deflects some of the scrutiny if he was the winner when Terry finally went down and 2) It helps cement Cirie to his side.

    The one not so smart thing he did was select Terry as his answer to throw the challenge. Yeah, it was a funny dig at Terry, but it also made it obvious he threw it. But even still, they may know he threw it, but noone in the tribe can make a definitive argument that he would have won it outright had he not. There is just no way to know.

  62. 62
    JasonR
    Posted April 24, 2006 at 1:12 pm

    Jesus (#58), interesting theory on Shane, and you may have something there. Thinking about it, his crazy rants are always with an audience, and his “confessionals” are all pretty calm and coherent. If this is indeed an act he’s a freakin’ genius and a better actor than his one third-rate movie credit would reflect.

  63. 63
    kgjbnme
    Posted April 24, 2006 at 2:16 pm

    “Am I the only one with the urge whenever Shane is onscreen to edit in Six from BSG behind him?”

    Haaaaaaaa!!! nope, you are not alone. Maybe she really IS there (but only he can see her), and is the one instructing him in when to pull out The Crazy and when to lay low …

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