Last week, the world of Survivor: Cook Islands was rocked by Candice and Jonathan’s sudden mutiny as they voluntarily left Aitu and joined the knuckleheads of Raro. The plan didn’t work out so well as Aitu forged ahead with new determination, and the Raro tribe had to send someone — Brad — home. Considering that a Raro-ite went home before a newbie (like Jonathan), you’d think this would send a message to the non-whites that maybe that original Raro alliance (a.k.a. all the whiteys) was stronger than anyone had realized. This left us with several pressing issues as we dove into this latest episode: would Aitu be able to beat off Goliath once again? And if they did, would the minorities grow wise to the original Raro alliance?This week’s show began with Jonathan patting himself on the back for his various feats in resourcefulness. “Who knew a Jew could climb a tree and get coconuts?” he asked; although, I think the more appropriate question would have been, “Who knew a FAT Jew could climb a tree and get coconuts?” By the way, thanks for implying that all our people are uncoordinated and incapable of gathering coconuts! That being said, the answer is no, I’ve never heard of a Jew climbing a tree and getting coconuts either.
Anyway, Jonathan then told us that he regretted flipping sides, saying, “I hope in the long run it turns out to be a good thing.” Yeah, probably won’t happen. But on the upside, at least you learned that you can climb trees and gather coconuts. A Jewish pioneer!
Meanwhile, over in a particularly sucky corner of the island, Candice and Adam further cemented their alliance. “You and I are going to the end,” Adam said with a skeevy, slick wink. Oh, it creeped the be-Eckhart out of me! Adam then said he wanted to target Jenny because he suspected she wouldn’t be so psyched about welcoming Candice back into the inner circle, and he was right: she wanted to keep the original five person alliance. You know, because she’s an idiot. C’mon people: fight whitey!
Later, Candice and Adam did some heavy flirting in the shelter. She complained that her finger hurt, and so Adam kissed it to make it better. She then laughed and said her other finger hurt, resulting in another kiss. And then another finger (another kiss)… and then her lips (another kiss). I’m surprised she didn’t giggle, “And now my vagina hurts too!”
Over at Aitu, the tribe received its latest tree mail, which was basically just a list of nautical flags. Each one represented a letter, and since there was nothing else to do, the tribe just sat down and memorized the hell out of them. You just know Yul and Becky were like, “Memorize information? For a possible test? YES!!!”
We then headed over the reward challenge where Aitu learned that Brad had been voted out. This caused Yul to sigh with dejection, but when he found out Brad was now the first member of the jury, he perked up with an excited, “WHOA!’ It’s a roller coaster of emotions for Yul! Anyway, for the challenge, teams had to use compass coordinates to find treasure chests hidden in the sand. Once all four chests had been found, teams had to open them up, pull out flags, and since each flag corresponded with a letter, they then had to spell out the word “VICTORY.” And that’s it! How delightfully uncomplicated.
Mark Burnett then treated us to a random two second montage of treasure chests suddenly appearing and opening up, and then it was time to start! Out of the gate, Jonathan and Jenny were a total spazz looking for their first chest. Was it at North by Northwest? Or North by Northeast? Luckily, Adam was able to whine them into the right location, but they had lost a significant amount of time to Yul and Sundra who had not only found their chest but were hauling it back to the mat.
Eventually, Jonathan and Jenny brought their chest back, which meant Adam and Candice could run out into the sand and search for theirs. Amusingly, despite all his whining previously, Adam turned out to be just as idiotic and inept at digging as Jonathan was. Man, he sucks.
Well, this back and forth with the digging and the chests continued, with Aitu maintaining a solid lead. Adam continued to whine and bark orders whenever Jonathan and Jenny were in the field, and yet he assumed no culpability for his own mistakes, like not helping Candice pull a heavy chest out of the sand.
At one point, as Aitu dragged back their last chest, an exasperated Adam complained, “I don’t understand!” Seriously, dude. Just shut up. Once it became obvious that Aitu was going to win this, Jonathan and Jenny seemed to lose their mojo, causing Probst to yell, “Very little sand coming out of that hole!” He then continued to pester Raro later when it was Adam and Candice’s turn to dig again. “Adam and Candice, like slow motion over there!” Probst yelled. Something tells me he hates Raro also.
Sure enough, Aitu pulled off the easy victory — their third in a row. Yul then looked over at his rivals and said with amazement, “They don’t have their fourth box!” I think that was the closest we’d ever get to a Yul dis. Jeff then gave Aitu the chance to send someone from Raro to Exile Island, and in a glorious moment worthy of the best underdogs stories, Yul said, “1… 2… 3…” with the entire tribe then chiming in with “CANDICE!” Haha! I didn’t know when it would happen, but this was going to be the best merge ever!
Well, Candice headed out to Exile Island where she suffered through a charmingly nasty meal of sea cucumbers. “It’s not fun to know that people that you like want to see you suffer,” she cried, a small violin playing in her head for sure.
While Candice’s sea cucumber oozed a bubbly foam with every bite, her tormentors at Aitu were living it up at a local feast thrown by some natives wearing elaborate, leafy garments. Leading the pack was one “dignified” guy who yelled a lot and wore a huge headdress. It was pretty cool.
Wow, flashbacks to Dartmouth graduation.
Anyway, it was your typical feasting scene — full of introspection and appreciation and festive music. Sundra looked like she was having the best time ever, and Yul, well, he found some new friends. A random fat lady literally threw herself on top of him, and when she had smothered him sufficiently, she yanked him up and grinded on him with another fat lady. His fellow tribemates talked about how great it was to see him dancing and coming out of his shell, but I’m not so sure he was dancing as much as he was just forced into movement by the two ladies who had pressed themselves onto him. Seriously, he looked like a little McDonald’s burger patty crammed into a Kaiser roll.
“Oh goodness! I must admit, this inspires a great deal of joy for me at this present time!”
“You so cute, Yul. I’m gonna eat you up! Literally!”
“It’s too late, Yul. We’re like an amoeba. You’re part of us now.”
Back at Raro, Jonathan complained that his teammates just wanted to sit around and chill out. He, however, was going to be an example of how the tribe could conduct itself. And he was going to do that by… hanging a bunch of fish from his nuts? Huh? Yes, Jonathan went fishing and emerged with a veritable school of fish dangling from his loins. We later saw that they were merely attached via his bathing suit drawstring, but for a moment there, it looked really bizarre (and painful).
Well, Jonathan wanted to be the Raro savior and assumed he would be safe on account of him providing so much food. Unfortunately, he kind of overlooked the fact that his tribe consisted of all morons who hate leaders and probably all think they could catch just as much fish — so why not just cut him loose?
Anyway, in advance of the immunity challenge, the tribes each received a map of islands that they’d all have to learn. On Raro, Rebecca hadn’t been pulling her weight recently, and so it was critical that she do well in this challenge. As a result, all the whiteys became super patronizing to her, with Adam telling Rebecca that she really needed to learn the map and Parvati stepping up to be the resident tutor. They literally were treating her like she were a student in Special Ed.
At one point, while Parvati tried to teach Rebecca the islands, she pointed to the map and said, “So it goes wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.” She then asked sweetly but condescendingly, “Am I confusing you?” No, not confusing at all. That series of “Wah wah” sounds made PERFECT SENSE.
Well, for the challenge, four people from each team (one at a time) had to swim out to a pontoon (of course), dive down (of course), and unclip a bundle of island names (of course). Once all four tribe members were back, the team would move to an answer table and have to match islands with their names. And that was it. Not totally original, but not insanely convoluted. Second time in a row! The challenge producer clearly was on vacation this episode.
As usual, winners got immunity, losers would go to Tribal Council. However, in an intriguing new twist, the losers would also receive a message in a bottle that could not be opened until Tribal Council. Color me curious!
“I call this Eau De Probst.”
Well, the challenge began, and no surprise here, Ozzy immediately opened up a huge lead with his fish-like prowess. He already had unclipped the names and was heading back before Nate had reached the pontoon. Soon, Yul was in the water, and he too had retrieved the names before Nate had even returned to shore. Another Aitu blowout?
Raro did make up some time thanks to Parvati, who eventually closed some of the gap against Becky, but when it came down to Sundra and Rebecca, there was no way that Rebecca could complete the comeback. This of course caused Adam to get all pissy, as usual, especially when Aitu retrieved all its pieces and could start working on the puzzle. Granted, the race was still close, and at one point both tribes were actually working on the puzzle, but we knew that Yul and Becky weren’t going to let this one slip through their fingers. Finally, when they thought they had the answer, Aitu called over Jeff, who yelled, “Stop working, Raro. STOP!!!” I’m surprised Jeff didn’t run over to their table, flip it over, and yell, “That’s what you get! You don’t listen? That’s what you get!”
Sure enough, Aitu won again, and we were spared the heartache of possibly sending one of our favorite underdogs home. I love this season now.
After the challenge, everyone at Raro focused on the mysterious bottle. What secrets did it hold? Everyone assumed it had to do with a merge, which was amusing because it so clearly had nothing to do with a merge. Okay, maybe it wasn’t so clear, but we just knew the note would lead to something significantly trickier than just a simple merge.
Anyway, the group consensus was that Rebecca was going home on account of her inability to do anything worthwhile in challenges. Seriously, if she couldn’t understand “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah,” then she’s pretty much useless. Of course, the most painful part of all this was Jenny, who was happy to cut Rebecca free. Jenny’s the sort of Survivor contestant I hate: she doesn’t think of the big picture, doesn’t recognize trends. She just sticks to a gameplan, assumes she’s safe, and causes harm to the people that she should be reaching out to. Damn her and her kind! Open your eyes, Jenny! You’re on the outside of an alliance! Don’t fight one of your only allies!
Well, Nate, on the other hand, wanted to send Jonathan home. He had the right idea. Jonathan, however, was confident that he’d be all right. “I think I have earned at least the right of one more night,” he said. Hmmm… sounds kind of like he’s a goner. Or so I thought!
At Tribal Council, Brad returned as the shiny-lipped first member of the jury, causing warm laughter all around. Jeff then got down to business, saying, “As a tribe, you guys have won… [Jeff slowly raising his fingers to rub it in] three challenges.” Rub the salt in the wounds, Jeff. Rub it in good.
Rebecca tried to explain how everyone pulls their weight, saying, “Everybody goes out clamming, crabbing, octopussing.” And in the case of Candice, sea cucumbering. By the way, I wasn’t aware that octopussing was an activity, but I’m willing to embrace it.
Jonathan then proudly announced that he had caught twenty-two fish over the past day or two, and Parvati explained how thankful she was: “He’s been basically nourishing us so we could have the energy today.” Yes, the energy to FAIL.
Eventually, Jeff then asked, “Did somebody bring the bottle?” I would have died if someone said, “Oh shit. I though you had it. You don’t? Does anyone?” But alas, they did remember to bring it. Before reading its contents, however, it was time to vote.
Well, Jenny voted against Rebecca (dumb, dumb move), and Rebecca voted for Jonathan, but you can imagine how this all worked out: landslide votes against Rebecca. Goner! By the way, would it have hurt her to have even tried to have schemed her way out of this corner?
Anyway, Rebecca wandered off into the darkness, and at last, it was time to read the message in the bottle. Was it a merge? Nope. Suckers had to vote out another member. Hahah! GOTCHA! Cosmic justice of the Aitu degree!
Well, everyone was absolutely devastated by this news, especially Nate who said, “This is wack.” He actually followed it up with some other words, but we couldn’t figure them out. We even turned on the closed captions, and they completely skipped over it. Nevertheless, Nate expressed regret that they hadn’t won the immunity challenge because then Aitu would be down to only two people. “Could have, should have, spilt milk!” he said, happily butchering the more popular, “Coulda, woulda, shoulda” expression.
No use crying over spilt metaphors!
By the way, I couldn’t help but think that maybe Rebecca should be back for all this discussion since she was a jury member now. Nevertheless, when Jeff found out that the tribe thought the note would lead to a merge, he snapped, “There is no sign of a merge! It could be tomorrow! It could never come!” He HATES assumptions! Especially ones about merges. HE SAID NOTHING OF A MERGE! DON’T PUT WORDS IN HIS MOUTH!!!
Anyway, it was time to vote again, and I was sure this would be Jonathan’s death knell. Sure enough, the first vote: Jonathan. Second vote: Jonathan. Third vote: Jenny (clearly Jonathan’s vote). Fourth vote… Jenny? Fifth vote? JENNY. Oh my god! Sixth vote: Jenny! And just like that, the idle follower was ejected from the tribe. I was kind of happy in that I never really liked her (stemming back to her shortsighted decision to get rid of Cristina because she was annoying), but I was mad because it just gave the whiteys more power. You know, if Rebecca were still around, she might not have been walking off to the jury…
As usual, Jeff ended TC with a snippy comment, saying, “Maybe this is the wakeup call this tribe needs in order to get it together.” I kind of wished he then yelled, “LET’S GO! LET’S GO!!!” Probst is the best.
Sadly, we never got to see Rebecca’s goodbye message, but we did see Jenny’s, and she was pissed. Hey, she had no one to blame but herself.
What did you think about this episode? What about the twist? Anyone else hoping there’s a merge next week? Think about it: four white people, four Aitus, and Nate in the middle.