Survivor: And Now, For Something Awkward

This week, on Survivor: Cirie makes me dislike a bunch of people that I used to think were awesome. Amanda FTW!The episode starts with Mikey and company arriving at camp after the Mary boot, wondering who the hell it was they just voted out. Mikey is like, “Well, I assumed Joel stabbed me in the back, ALREADY” which is hilarious in such a way that it cancels out the next comment about how now Joel is in a group with four girls and a kid, one girl “being Chet”. If Mikey were an integer, he would be zero. Much like Mary. WHO?

Mikey tells us that Joel is playing “a long game” when he should be playing “a short game”, because it’s dumb not to keep your team strong until the merge. And Mary added, what, exactly? Also, that’s not why Joel was dumb. Joel was dumb because he drew a bunch of unnecessary attention to himself for pretty much no reason, which is stupid this early in the game. Joel tells us that Mikey “thinks he knows everything and has the whole tribe in his pocket”. Then he says he’s going to hit Mikey B with a baseball bat. Wait, what? Yeah, well, to get to Mikey, you’ll have to get through my friends hypocrisy and irony over here. (Kisses left and right fists)

Credits! This is the last time you’ll see anyone on the Favorites tribe make any sense, so enjoy this last look.

After commercial, Parvati and the gang are hanging out over on the beach, and invite Eliza to join them. Soon, the talk turns to voting. Ozzy, for some reason, wants to get rid of Yau-Man, then Jonathan, then Cirie. Honestly? I have no idea why I’m typing this. It will change eight million times before the end of the episode. You know what? Just assume that everybody wants to get rid of everyone else from this point forward. It will make it easier on all of us.

Eliza tells us that she doesn’t trust these two couples as far as she can throw them as Ozzy sits there and tells her that he wants to get rid of the people who are the weakest, and thus Yau-Man and Jonathan must go first. Wait, are we talking about the same Yau-Man who regularly smokes people one-third of his age at challenges? Also, what does Ozzy see when he looks at Parvati, a big turkey leg?

Eliza takes this information back to Yau-Man, Jon, Ami, and Cirie, telling them that Yau or Jonathan is likely to be the target in the case that they lose the next challenge. Cirie tells us that she’s trying to figure out which side provides the better situation for her, and I cannot figure out why she doesn’t automatically side with the alliance where people are NOT making out. Jon works the Parvati angle yet again, talking about how socially dangerous she is. This seems to come up again and again. If it is foreshadowing, I might have to go live in the sewers for a year, subsisting on trash and dirty water until I can re-emerge into society.

Cirie tells us that she’ll be honest to people that she believes are telling her the truth, and if she doesn’t believe you, then you probably shouldn’t believe her. Then she pulls out a scroll made of papyrus and writes this statement in cursive, using the blood of Shane as her ink.

Over at Airai, they have treemail! Each tribe gets to pick three items from the catalog of goodies for which to play. Also, warpaint is included so that they can look as tough as possible. What good is pummeling the crap out of someone if you can’t paint cat whiskers on your cheeks? Joel paints himself, and then says the following: “If someone invades my home, I’m gonna kill them.” Explain to me any way in which that sentence is appropriate to utter in this instance. Seriously. Go rewatch the clip of Joel saying that, but instead, imagine him saying something like, “Oftentimes, traffic patterns between the hours of three and five can be tedious, even frustrating.” Both scenarios? Make the same amount of sense. You guys, I hate Joel.

There’s also a part in the treemail where they are instructed to come up with a “war cry”, but it’s sort of just there to make the treemail rhyme, and not for them to actually do something. And yet, here they are, taking what some intern wrote seriously.

The tribes enter into the clearing. Probst announces the departure of Mary, and someone is like, “Mary?” and EXACTLY. The challenge is one of those super-awesome wrestling things that, while impossible to recap, are amazing to watch. There are six bags, three for each tribe, and two end zones at opposite ends of the field. The first tribe to get five of the six into their end zone wins, essentially. Then Probst says “Let’s get it on” and I go blind for several minutes.

And then: wrestling. It is awesome, and chronologically impossible to put into English. Of note: After the challenge begins, Joel immediately heads for Amanda and Yau-Man, tackling them. Manly! Keep the old man and pageant winner out of your home, Joel! They will surely murder your family! At one point, Amanda gets completely picked up and body slammed by Erik, which is awesome. Amanda is getting all up in this challenge, which is one of the many reasons why she rules. We also see Erik beat Eliza in the face with one of the bags, and Jon is literally everywhere, grabbing people and wrestling and whatnot.

It’s generally pretty cool, but Malakal eventually gains the upper hand, and uses the momentum to figure out that blocking for people is actually more important than wrestling. Or keeping people out of your fictional, not entirely pertinent to this discussion home. And thus, Malakal wins the reward.

Malakal decides to send Ami and Kathy to Exile Island (again), which is actually the wrong choice, given how this season’s clues are structured. Usually, limiting the number of people to go to EI is the right choice, but since the clues are structured in such a way that you can pick up right where you left off last time (instead of gradually unveiled as they have been in past seasons), sending the same person actually increases the chances of the idol being found. Sending different people is actually the wisest move because it presents the greatest opportunity for the idol to remain out of play, since then they have to start the chase over from the beginning each time. This is all irrelevant if Cirie has the idol already, but still.

Back at camp, Malakal talks a little bit about how fun the challenge was, and how they were all hit on by the favorites at different times. Cirie wanders off by herself, talking at length about how she has a big decision to make. She also wonders (half-jokingly), why people aren’t catering to her needs a little more, since she’s the swing vote. One, that’s not necessarily the case, and two, that is a terrible attitude. Later, Cirie is out on the raft with Amanda and Parvati, who begin throwing her a whole line of crap, which includes a promise to become the final three. Um, there are like eight bajillion people left, so it’s a bit early for this. Parvati tells Cirie that she has to go to the final three with her, because if she goes with Ozzy and James, she’ll lose. Quick, POP QUIZ! Name one person that Parvati can beat in a Final Three situation.

…

We good?

Moving on.

Cirie tells them that she really wants to vote out Yau-Man. She doesn’t want him to get a shot at the idol. That statement, combined with the fact that she’s so adamant about this later, tells me that she probably didn’t find it. I love how Cirie is super worried about how dangerous Yau-Man is, and she has no idea that her biggest strategic threat is probably Amanda. All she’s seen is Amanda making out with Ozzy, because none of these people saw Amanda get awesome last season.

Over at Exile Island, Ami can’t seem to figure out any of the clues. This is one of the few situations in which Kathy is smarter than the people around her, so she takes full advantage, playing dumb and making stupid faces at the camera. She’s probably talking to some imaginary hairstylist from another planet, because SHE IS CRAZY, but whatever.

At Airai, it begins raining pretty damn hard. That shelter(s) that Tracy built isn’t really working out so well, and the newbies are getting pummeled pretty good. Seriously, it looks pretty terrible. The next morning, Joel sits in the boat all pensively thinking about how bad off he is. It’s a metaphor, y’all! Joel is stranded on a shore of fictional burglars that he now must murder! With a baseball bat!

Alexis looks the most miserable, and her hands have been turned into tiny, gross prunes. They discuss how difficult it will be to compete for immunity and win in this state. Of course, this means that they’ll win.

Immunity challenge! This one, it’s real boring. There’s a big net hanging, and four people will hold the net up, while four people from the other team take turns tossing coconuts into the net, making it ever heavier. The team whose net stays up the longest wins immunity, essentially.

The various throwing of coconuts into nets ensues. It is just as enthralling as you think it would be. Parvati, Cirie, James, and Jonathan are holding up the net for the favorites, so they must think that Parvati can do the least damage here. The newbies figure out that you have to throw the coconuts underhanded first, and they manage to make the net really heavy as a result, winning immunity.

And now, things get real ridiculous.

Back from the immunity challenge loss, Jon, Yau-Man and Ami decide to try and get rid of Parvati. Meanwhile, Amanda tells James that Yau-Man needs to go, because that’s what Cirie wants to do and they sort of have to. Mean-meanwhile, Ozzy is over trying to tell Cirie that Eliza is the better choice for the tribe because she’s the weakest. Again, Parvati = Turkey Leg. Cirie is not having it and refuses to budge and get rid of anyone besides Yau-Man. At this juncture, people should have been like “Well, eff you then” and just booted her ass, but no.

While Cirie is telling Ozzy that there will be no way she’s getting rid of Yau-Man, Eliza and Ami walk up and she just sort of…keeps talking. I have no idea what the deal is, there. Maybe she doesn’t see them? Maybe she’s trying to play it off like she’s trying to placate Ozzy?

Then, Jonathan walks up and makes the most awkward “Please, please, keep talking” face ever, which makes everyone stop dead in their tracks. Why is it okay to discuss this in front of Eliza and Ami, but not Jonathan? Jonathan decides to grab Cirie and tell her about the plan to get rid of Parvati. You can tell that he’s kind of trying to comfort her, and she’s kind of thinking he’s bossing her around. It’s odd, but everyone’s had that kind of miscommunicative discussion before.

So, Jon thinks Cirie isn’t listening to him, and she continues to think he’s treating her like she’s dumb, and the volume steadily increases on the conversation until they’re full-on yelling at each other. Yau-Man tries to diffuse the situation by telling Cirie that there are two pairs in the other alliance, so the odds that she will be able to break that up are slim. Cirie’s response is that “you can make the same argument for you guys” which, are Yau-Man and Jonathan making out? I had no idea.

Also, you kind of can’t make the same argument, because the smaller alliances within the Jon/Yau/Eliza/Ami segment of the tribe will probably be much easier to infiltrate, and thus provide a better opportunity for Cirie. But by this time, she’s so pissed off at them that there is absolutely no way that is going to happen. Cirie tries to end the conversation by being like, “I know how this works! How far did YOU get?” to Jonathan, and my thing is: you can pretty much only say that if you’ve won. Getting fourth is not that much better than seventh. And then the camera pans over, and Ozzy and Amanda are standing right there, for what appears to have been this whole conversation. What the hell is going on? Have they abandoned all semblance of privacy?

All of a sudden, Ozzy is talking to Jon about trying to get Yau-Man out, and my head explodes. This is all one giant WTF.

Then the whole discussion comes full circle when Ozzy, James, Parvati, and Amanda are talking (with Ami there, because these people are trying to kill me). Seriously, the editing is so off here. You, guys, don’t talk about this with Ami right there. THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! So, they’re trying to convince Cirie to get rid of Eliza, but she is not having it. Some more. Again. Cirie’s refusal to vote for anyone but Yau-Man has been the only consistent thing this episode. Obviously, the two sub-alliances in this tribe are much more loosely composed than they’ve been letting on. Otherwise, why the hell would random people always be standing around? James tells us that he has no idea what is going on, and he “feels like he’s in China again, with a bunch of dumbasses”. Let he who has not wasted two immunity idols cast the first stone.

Whew, thank Jeebus that’s over. I almost error 404′ed.

Tribal Council! Jeff begins with a not-so-subtle question about whether you can trust people based on previous appearances on the show. Jonathan takes it as a personal attack, because he was the one who was painted as a sneaky guy (even though he wasn’t, at all), and pretty soon he’s going at it with Cirie again. He tells Jeff (and Cirie) that he thinks Cirie is using this as an excuse to get rid of someone who she considers to be threatening (i.e.,Yau-Man), and she responds by personally attacking his honesty, again. I don’t really understand why she keeps doing that. I wish she would go back to being cool, because I don’t really like this version of Cirie. Then she’s like “I don’t have mind control over everybody here, so y’all vote how you want”, which is a stupid thing to say when you’ve been trying to make everyone bend to your will. If this continues, I may have to start liking James, and no one wants that.

Time to vote! Cirie votes for Yau-Man, of course. When Jeff goes to count the votes, there is one for Cirie (which turns out to have been from Ami, of all people), and then two for Parvati and the remainder for Yau-Man. So, he is done, and way too early for my liking.

And that is the story of how Cirie made my brain collapse.