Survivor: Bob Does Not Teach Art

This week on Survivor: Kenny does something stupid and Bob makes the most insane fake idol ever.It’s night 30 at Nobag, and the tribe is discussing the Randy Affair. “That was the best tribal so far for sure,” says Sugar, entirely proud of herself for orchestrating the whole thing. Bob, however, is not quite as happy. “I don’t appreciate that you were laughing like that. Don’t belittle him,” he yells to Sugar, specifically. Um, Bob? You participated in the deception. Don’t get all high and mighty about Randy being fooled by the idol you made and you gave to him. What did you think, Randy was going to play a fake idol and then leave with dignity?

Sugar apologizes to Bob to shut him up. “I don’t feel one iota sorry, and I think it’s hilarious!” she tells us, mostly because it was hilarious and she really shouldn’t feel sorry, because Randy treated her like shit and totally deserved it.

Corinne decides to get in on the yelling action, pointing out that Sugar is a hypocrite for always calling Corinne herself out for belittling people when she just did a bunch of it an hour ago. Sugar dismisses her immediately, as she should. It’s one thing to pay someone back for being a dick to you for a month straight, and it’s another thing to be a skank just because you’re pretty and can get away with it. “I’m a nice person to people that I like,” Corinne bitchfaces, “but now I’m in a camp of mutants and hate them all, so that’s pretty much done.” That’s a good strategy to have, being mean to everyone. Worked well for Randy.

After a shortened credit sequence, we arrive at day 31 in the midst of a gorilla-elephant stand off. Inter-species race war! Bob and Kenny go fishing in Nobag Lake (everything sounds dirty with the word ‘Nobag’ before it. “Did you hook up with that girl last night?” “Hell yes I did, and I gave her the Nobag Lake.”) They seem to have ensnared an absolutely huge catfish in their net, which they take back to camp for everyone to marvel at. Bob takes an aluminum can and rather ingeniously fashions a makeshift grill for the fish. “Bob is very smart,” Ken says, “But he’s not here to play this game. He’s just here to build things. I’d have no problem taking him out.” Well, of course not. You sort of have to take everyone out, eventually. That’s like saying “I’d have no problem yelling “JENGA!” when you cause those blocks to fall.”

Reward Challenge. Today, two teams of three will be racing through the mud to collect a bunch of gears, which when fit together correctly will allow you to turn a crank and raise a flag. The winning team of three will then race to complete a slide puzzle to win. The reward today is love. “I wish I could tell you that your loved ones are here and they’re about to come running out of the woods, but they’re not.” Instead, he has a product-placed phone, which contains video messages from said loved ones. The winner will get to watch their whole video and enjoy some disgusting looking pizza. It looks so bad that I’d rather have Little Caesar’s.

To give everyone a little taste of home, Probst will be showing a snippet to everyone right now. My thinking at this point was that the recession must have finally hit Survivor. The challenges have been a little less sophisticated this season, and then they don’t even fly the loved ones out? Man.

Crystal gets to watch her video first, which is of her very cute daughter and boyfriend/husband (I’m not sure which). Can you imagine being that man? I wonder if he’s just given up trying to talk at all. Ken’s sister Jenny says hello, which causes Ken to cry. Susie gets to see her husband and child, and by the time Corinne is watching video of her entire family, I realize something. You know if you read these recaps that this part of the season always gets to me, because it’s just nice to see. However, the extent to which I am affected is a direct function of how invested I am in the people that are remaining. This season? My heart is cold. How can I care about Susie’s family when I don’t even care about Susie?

Bob’s wife, however, is very pretty and sports an awesome New England accent. (See? It’s because I like him). Matty gets to see his girlfriend and dog. He’s been dreaming about that dog! Must be nice for him. Probst oohs and aahs over how hot Jamie is. Eh, she’s okay. She has that stoner hot look that doesn’t really appeal to me, although since I’m guessing Matty is a huge stoner himself, it probably works for him. Sugar’s sister Rena has clearly taken notes, since she keeps looking down at something. She calls her Jessica, and name-drops their father, which causes Sugar to cry. Quit giving me material that I can’t make fun of! What am I supposed to do with deceased relatives, huh?

Probst makes everyone draw stones out of a bag to pick teams in schoolyard fashion. One team ends up being Susie, Matty and Ken, and the other is Crystal, Sugar and Bob. Corinne was not selected, so she is out of the running automatically and does not get to participate in the challenge. She whines about how much it sucks that they’re all sticking together and excluding her. Oh, boo hoo. “I’m so sad that the people I hate and have treated like shit are choosing to exclude me!” Shove it, Regina No-rge.

The race for the puzzle pieces begins, and it is boring. Watching people move through mud at a snail’s pace does not a good challenge make. Crystal is basically dragging Bob and Sugar behind her, and Sugar is constantly losing her top. She should have worn her sack dress. Then she would have been merely ridiculous looking instead of both ridiculous looking and nude.

About halfway through, Matty begins predictably freaking out and ordering his team around, as he does. His team collects the pieces and gets back to the puzzle first, but Bob begins to methodically solve the puzzle one gear at a time and overtakes the other team, moving himself to the finals along with Sugar and Crystal. The puzzle goes as a mental faceoff between Sugar, Crystal and Bob would go, with Bob completely smoking the two of them and taking home the prize.

At the site of the reward, Bob enjoys his beer and dubious food, cuing up the video from his wife, Peggy. After about five seconds, she’s all “Excuse me, I’ll be right back,” and he stares at the phone, totally confused as she sneaks out from behind a tree. Wow, way to be gullible, Bob. What, you thought she forgot something in the oven during precisely the five minutes she had to talk to you?

When she taps him on the shoulder, he flips out and hugs all over her, clearly psyched to see her. She is very, very pretty, and it is obvious that they are both in love and best friends. Peggy tells us that Bob smells great (“like a campfire”) which is an especially nice thing to say because the loved ones usually complain about the stench. That’s, like, the “You complete me” of this show.

Back at camp, everyone shoots the shit as Bob approaches with his wife. They all freak out because they thought the loved ones weren’t around, and they crowd around her like she is Frankenstein’s Monster. Bob quiets the group. “Hey guys, this is neat, check it out,” he says and whistles. Soon, everyone’s families are cresting the hilltop near the camp, and people go running and crying for their loved ones.

Corinne says that seeing her brother was nice, since she doesn’t hate him and everything. How nice that must be for you. Peggy and Bob talk, and Peggy notices the tribe flag. “Nobag!” she scoffs, laughing and looking at Bob crosswise. Peggy FTW! Kenny takes his sister Jenny off to the woods and strategizes with her. She clearly loves all the whispering and intrigue as he tells her that he’s got a really good shot at winning if he can get to the final round. Sugar and her sister sit on the dock and talk about their dad. They say a prayer for him (and the cameras), and then toss some of his ashes into the lake. Matty and Jamie walk over by the other lake (I’m pretty sure there are two, or at least two different sections of coastline on the same lake). Matty tells Jamie that he feels like he needs to grow up, and then he asks her to marry him while he starts crying, and pretty soon he’s blubbering. He reaches into his pocket for the giant ring he whittles her, and she tells him yes in a very confused manner, and then he gets on one knee and Jamie is a little freaked out and doesn’t know what to do. You can tell that it all comes from a very genuine place, but it’s also slightly creepy and awkward in the way that everything that Matty does and says is slightly creepy and awkward.

Matty expresses excitement in his talking head. “This experience has taught me that everyone has ability and, and…gold inside of them.” Wait, I have gold inside of me? That could come in handy in these trying times. Somebody get me a knife!

After the commercial, Corinne and Bob go to get the treemail on Day 33. Bob tells Corinne that tonight would be the perfect night to blindside Matty. He doesn’t really give a reason for this, mostly because there isn’t one. Back at camp, the alliance of five pretty much reach the consensus that it’s time to get rid of Bob, since he’s too dangerous to keep around any longer. Bob and Corinne then have that stupid conversation that we saw in the previews, with the stupid story about Marcus hiding the immunity idol and letting Bob know where it is. It is, of course, a stupid lie, for all the reasons that I outlined a couple of weeks ago. I mean, the idea is really smart for a last resort, but that’s exactly what it is: a last resort.

Immunity Challenge! Today is an old school “How much do you know about this country?” quiz. Each question answered correctly earns a ball, which you will throw off of a platform to try and hit a target about 50 feet below. The person whose ball is closest to the center after all the balls have been thrown wins individual immunity.

Sugar and Corinne both get the first two questions correct and pull out ahead. I would say that this is surprising, but I think it’s been established that Sugar is actually pretty damn smart by now. The final question is about how and elephant’s trunk has three functions, including as it’s mouth. You will be shocked to hear that Susie, Crystal and several others, who have seen an elephant up close within the past two weeks, had no idea that elephants have trunks and also mouths. At the end of the four quiz questions, Corinne, Sugar and Bob are leading with three balls apiece. I feel like I have to say “That’s what she said” at least once during each recap at this point. I would be remiss if I did not.

Ball throwing commences. Susie and Crystal have one ball apiece, so they have to make the first round count. Susie does a predictably poor job, and Crystal hilariously throws her ball overhand with no finesse whatsoever and completely overshoots the target, in a great metaphor for everything that she’s done, ever. After the first round, Bob is the closest to the center. During the next round, he actually improves his mark, making it even more difficult to beat him. At the end, Sugar is the only one who can catch him (btw, she looks very pretty during this challenge), and when she fails, Bob takes home his second challenge in a row.

As Probst hangs the immunity necklace on Bob, Bob tells us that the plan is to grab two members from the other alliance and blindside Matty. Back at camp, Corinne and Bob review their story about Marcus and the idol and decide to execute it. “God, you’re devious,” he tells Corinne, pushing all the right buttons to keep her loyal and work her vote in the finals. Bob does not play. Back at the hut, Matty is making sure that he knows how to spell Corinne’s name. Good for him for not wanting to misspell anyone’s name, because that could be embarrassing. Matty is very worried about not embarrassing himself on camera, as you can tell from his blubbering marriage proposal earlier. Regal!

Down at the dock, Ken tells Corinne that there’s nothing much he can do to save her. “That’s okay, I think I’ll be alright,” she says to him. His interest is immediately piqued. She plays it really well, pretending to be reluctant to tell him before she lays the whole story on him. Instead of asking himself why the hell she would be telling him this like he should, Ken instead swallows it hook, line and sinker.

Corinne goes off to get Bob while Ken tries to process this information. “I might need to completely change my alliance,” he says to himself and the camera as Bob and Corinne approach from behind. They broach the idea of blindsiding Matty tonight, which Ken is completely amenable to, mentioning at their prompt that Crystal would be pretty likely to go along with them to if they were to share this information with her. Why is he buying this? If he thought about this for a minute, he would figure out that they wouldn’t need him to vote with them if they actually had an idol, meaning that they wouldn’t need his vote at all, thereby meaning that they’re trying to trick him into voting for Matty. Come on, Ken. You’re smarter than this.

Out in the jungle, Bob makes another idol. If you can believe it, it actually looks even better than the first one he made. Seriously, there are ornaments and shit hanging off of it, and it’s all beaded. I probably would have been dubious about thinking that the last one was an idol, but this one? I am not ashamed to say that I would definitely buy it.

Bob takes Crystal out into the woods and tells her the story, showing her the fake idol. She totally buys it as well. For all of the holes that exist in the story itself, Bob and Corinne sure are executing this well. They should have picked some dumber people, though. I bet if they had tried, like, Matty and Susie than this would have had a much better chance of working.

Kenny and Crystal are way too excited about the potential elimination of Matty. They hug each other and jump up and down in the forest, completely buying Bob and Corinne’s whole story and having no idea that they look like idiots. Kenny tells Crystal that he’s going to vote for Matty, but that she should vote for Corinne anyway to make sure there’s a majority. How does that make sense? He should vote for Corinne anyway, because if they really have the idol, their votes will be irrelevant. I think he didn’t quite work this out, and his idea to vote for Matty is some sort of rationalization on his part. Otherwise, this makes no sense. He really, really wants to believe that Bob’s story is true, to the point that it’s caused him not to think the whole concept through. It’s very disappointing, after the almost flawless game he’s played so far.

Tribal Council. The jury (now featuring Randy) enters in matching pastel shirts. Jeff asks Corinne about paranoia, and how it can affect a game. She tells him that paranoia can be both a disadvantage and an advantage, because you can use it to break up alliances, but that it also makes you more likely to switch sides because it keeps trust from forming. Crystal tells Jeff that you have to know when to cut ties, because there are some people that you should trust and some that you shouldn’t. Wow, those are some deep thoughts. I can’t believe that Crystal has zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Time to vote. Kenny votes for Matty and whispers that it’s strategic, when it is in fact the exact opposite. That vote is anti-strategic, in that it makes no sense and has no real affect on the outcome. The rest of the votes are cast, and we on;y see Matty’s for Corinne (he spells it right, if you’re interested). When it comes time to play the idol, Corinne remains motionless, much to the dismay of Kenny and Corinne, who look at each other and shrug. The first vote is for Matty, and then there are three for Corinne. Matty gets a second vote, and then a third, and he seems to be completely unaffected by it, mostly because he’s not smart and hasn’t worked out what that vote means. When the last vote is for Corinne he lets out an audible sigh of relief, but I’m not sure he’s processed that someone has turned on him.

Why the hell did Kenny do that? Idiot. Corinne’s torch is snuffed, and your final six is five original Fang, people. Odds on that shit about three weeks into the season? Zero.