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Monday, March 15, 2010
5:14 pm
28 Comments
Tagged: schoonie
This week, on Survivor: CHOCOLATE IS THE ENEMY.After the Cirie boot took everyone by surprise, JT knows it’s time to do some damage control. “I just want to let you all know that everything I did was for the team, and everyone would have known if I had made up my mind before Tribal Council.” I can’t believe he actually expects them to believe that, you know? It’s a bit condescending. If there’s one weakness in JT’s game, it’s that he tends to think a little too highly of himself; he thinks everyone will believe whatever he says, because everyone in Tocantins got busy crawling all over his sack everytime he glanced at any of them.
The next morning, JT tries to placate Amanda, apologizing and telling her that he would never turn on her. “I see right through him,” Amanda says. This will not be a good episode for Amanda, by the way. “Game on!” she says, which is rapidly becoming the “I’m not here to make friends” of this particular show. Also, I don’t believe her at all.
That same morning at the Villains camp, Coach leads a session of what he calls “Dragon Slayer Chi”. Creative! Not since Snakes On A Plane has something been so succinctly titled.
Everyone in the tribe participates in this Coach Fu, and many of them are unable to keep a straight face. Everyone, that is, except for Russell, who spends this time down the beach digging for the idol. And of course, he finds it. “ROB is not in control of this game, I am!” Russell says. You think he has insecurities about his height and being taken seriously, you guys?
Reward Challenge. Hey, let’s do another challenge from last season, which was filmed like three weeks before this one, then no one will have to do any work! This week: the challenge that Racist Ben got kicked out of, where three members of each tribe wrestle to retrieve balls and toss them to their teammates, who have to shoot them into a basket across the field. The reward is something called a “chocolate feast” at a waterfall, which seems like an unwise thing to binge on for someone who hasn’t eaten in weeks. Probst and the producers know how lame the reward is, so they have little bits of chocolate for everyone to try. The Heroes, however, are not interested in eating any, because they are an even bigger group of humorless assholes than we originally thought.
Probst asks why no one is eating any chocolate, and Colby’s all “Let’s do it, game on,” completely seriously, and Probst tells him they’ll start when he’s ready, so Colby can just hold his damn horses. Keep in mind that the Heroes are trying to convey their toughness by refusing to eat free samples of chocolate for a Reward Challenge. Not immunity, but reward. And to drive their idiotic point home even further, Rupert tells Probst they’re hoping it conveys “a message of focus”. Yes, abstaining from sampling chocolate will cause the Villains to think you’re so badass that they’ll forfeit the challenge. Idiots.
Wow, that may have been the dumbest exchange I’ve ever seen on this show.
Anyway, the first round begins and James takes a pretty hard hit, damaging his knee. Probst stops the challenge and calls the medics to take a look. James’ knee is popping out of the socket, so the medics make him sit out the challenge to look at it later. The Heroes, as a result, have to play 2 on 3 whenever this set of people is in the round. They manage to score anyway when Amanda makes a nice shot. During the next round, JT and Tyson aren’t even near the ball when they get into a scrap; JT just spears the shit out of him. Then Rupert runs at Jerri from behind and throws her into the barrier as hard as he can. “I did NOT mean to do that!” he says. Apparently, he was planning on lightly tapping her on the shoulder and asking her politely for the ball? I mean, it’s all part of the challenge, but still: don’t pretend you weren’t trying to take her out, Rupert. Also, to Rob’s credit, he runs over and body checks Rupert, just to show him who’s boss.
The Villains score again, so Candace and Tom have to face off two on three one last time. Jerri scores in a pretty short round and the Villains win. The Heroes are probably sorry they didn’t take those free samples, right? Rupert spikes the ball on the ground like a child, because he hasn’t make himself look quite stupid enough yet.
Probst makes James stay back to have medical look at his knee. Medical decides to let James stay in the game, but only if he can walk on his knee. We go to commercial at this. Apparently, we’re supposed to be concerned about him. Hmm.
The Villains, meanwhile, are enjoying their reward. They shove their mouths full of chocolate, and then they go swimming in a giant sinkhole, which is a lot prettier than it sounds. Rob, Sandra and some others discuss how Russell obviously has the idol, having chosen to disobey the group consensus because he has no friends.
Up at the picnic, Russell and Parvati are still eating, and he tells her that he found the idol. She laughs, elated, because it’s pretty much her and Russell against everyone else at this point. “Just grab onto my coattails girl,” Russell says to Parvati. Yes, he just asked Parvati to ride his coattails. Sometimes, Russell plays so poorly that I wonder if he’s ever even seen this show before.
Russell’s plan is to use the idol to blindside Rob, which absolutely delights Parvati. The fact that Russell has the idol probably means Boston Rob is fucked, by the way, so we should all go on and get prepared for him to go home soon. I mean, it’s obviously beneficial to get rid of Rob, and that might work for you in the short term, but what about after that? You’re still down, by my count, six people to two. The best strategic move Russell could make at this point is, you know, not to be a dick, but he’s never going to do that, so he’ll have to take this one step at a time.
Russell believes that showing Coach the idol will garner him another ally. “Coach is a scared little boy,” says the scared little boy. When he exposes his idol to Coach (That’s what…never mind), Coach is wowed that Russell would trust him, telling Russell that he’s now obligated to be loyal, and then he gets on one knee so Russell can, I shit you not, knight him. Coach is just being a dumbass here, but I love how he’s unwittingly playing the shit out of Russell by obliging his megalomania. Coach is so amazingly nutty.
“It’s personal with me and Rob,” Russell says. As I previously stated, the idol means that Russell is probably going to take out Rob here pretty soon, and that will suck, but we can all take solace in the fact that the best Russell’s ever going to do is second place. I almost want him to get to the end so he can cry like a girl again. I mean, it’s not my first choice or anything, but if he got all the way to the end again, and then got denied for playing what is, in truth, a terrible game? I would drink in his sorrow like a glass of warm milk and then curl up in front of the TV like a housecat.
Tangent: If Russell did get that far again, do you think people would finally acknowledge his general shittiness, overreliance on idols and inability to forge relationships, or do you think America would still think he was the best player ever? I’m hoping it’s the first one, but then again, America’s now given James a total of two hundred grand for being a huge douchebag, so I’m doubtful. But still, I hold out hope! Man, America is the husband who gives me a black eye and then tells me he’s sorry, and then I forgive him and always have to spend the off-season recapping Big Brother and pretending I ran into a doorknob.
Over at the Heroes tribe, they worry that James won’t be coming back at all. What will they do then, finally work as a team because the person causing literally every problem they have will, at long last, be gone? No? They’ll just cry a lot because he was big and strong and they think that actually matters? Never mind, then.
Amanda, in particular, is really upset at the prospect of no James. “This’ll be the second time he’s taken out due to injury,” Amanda says as if she wasn’t going to vote him out anyway last time he got hurt. I mean, I’m sure they’re friends and all, but she’s probably crying because she knows JT will go with Tom and Colby if James doesn’t come back.
Tom has a different view on the matter. “I never want anyone to get hurt, but if James doesn’t come back, that’s nothing but good news for me.” Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel, too. Is that wrong?
Either way, James comes back anyway. The show seems to think that this is some sort of victorious return from battle because they give him the Noble Trumpets Of Triumph Over Adversity, and I find it pretty revolting, frankly. Also, he’s hobbling pretty significantly, so maybe we’re a little premature on the Horns Of Conquest, editors.
Immunity Challenge! Today, the entire team will be blindfolded and grouped into pairs, and one person from each team will shout directions and get them to collect puzzle pieces. Once all the puzzle pieces are brought back, the first team to solve the puzzle wins immunity. You may remember this challenge from the first All-Stars season.
And because there’s a puzzle involved, we all know how this is going to end, right? The Heroes build up a nice lead during the physical portion of the challenge, in no small part thanks to the fact that James does a pretty good job with the directions. I mean, I hate the guy, but I’m willing to acknowledge that he does a pretty good job here. Either way, it’s all irrelevant because: puzzle.
And that is the story of how Rob led the Villains to another puzzle-related victory. Keep an eye out for the sequel!
Back at camp, the Heroes are hilariously like “Well, it has been established that we are not good at puzzles.” Wow, way to get that memo last. Courtney Love is watching this all “Man, these people are totally detached from reality.”
Colby (I think) is pretty hilarious with the comeback, helpful to add “Or basketball, or pretty much anything except sumo wrestling, really,” to the proceedings. Man, when did Colby get this awesome? I don’t remember him being so cool the last couple of times.
Anyway, Colby and Tom obviously want to get rid of James, especially now that Bambi’s Mom is a more capable teammate than he is. Yeah, you could argue that James just added to the team a second ago at the challenge, but that was an anomaly and you know it, Person Currently Disagreeing With Me While Reading This Article In Your Cubicle Adorned With Photos Of Your Cat. By the way, I see you eating that candy you have stashed in your desk drawer, fatty!
Of course, idiot Rupert thinks getting rid of Tom is the better option. That’s right, the guy who’s been doing nothing but talking about creating a strong team for the last five episodes would like to keep the guy with one leg and get rid of the athletically capable fireman. When Candace argues that keeping James around is stupid because he can’t run, Rupert’s response is “Well, if that’s the criteria, than you should put me out.” If only, dude.
It turns out that JT and Candace are the swing votes in this scenario, because Amanda/Rupert/James are voting for Tom and Tom/Colby are voting for James. What follows is yet another montage of JT telling both sides what they want to hear; he tells Rupert he’s voting for Tom, and he tells Tom he’s voting for James. The catch this time is that everyone seems to know exactly what he’s doing, which can’t bode well for JT. This kind of think can only be done so many times before everyone figures out that things would be a lot easier without you around.
Tribal Council. Probst gets right to the point, asking why anyone would keep James around. “My niece could beat him in a foot race!” Probst says. “NO SHE COULDN’T,” James says hilariously. Anyone think it’s funny that James has a vendetta against Probst’s niece all of a sudden?
“YOU couldn’t beat me in a foot race,” James continues, “Real talk.” Five points for the R. Kelly reference, James. Soooo, let’s see here (does mental math) that brings your point total to negative 25,173. Roughly five thousand more mildly humorous references and you and I can start fresh. It’s never too late!
James says that Tom and Candace were bringing the tribe down at the immunity challenge, apparently by working on the puzzle together. I’m not sure exactly what his argument is, frankly. Candace correctly points out that James is mad because they want to get rid of him. “All this pretense isn’t about the team,” Tom says. “He’s not being kept for his physical ability; he’s being kept for a vote.”
Amanda says that their argument is hypocritical, because they cast votes for her and she’s valuable to the team. True, but they also didn’t talk and talk at length about how their votes were being cast to keep the team strong; they voted for you for strategic reasons and owned it. Argument not valid. Try again.
“If anyone thinks that James with a busted knee is better for the team and I am, they’re lying,” Tom says. He really has nothing to lose at this point, and it’s pretty clear that he’s going home, so I’m glad he’s pointing out what dicks these people are on his way out.
“If people really agree with that, they can FEEL FREE to get rid of me,” James says. If you’re wondering why James is being so standoffish about this, it’s because being strong is his only asset. He defines himself by it. When you take that away, what are you left with? Definitely not someone who’s fun to have at parties. Just saying.
Time to vote. We see James and Tom vote for each other. Tom looks at the camera, casts his vote for James, and says “All mass, no class.” When the votes are read, Tom gets two, James gets two, then Tom gets the rest, and he’s gone.
Man, the Heroes deserve to be eradicated entirely for that. Once Colby’s gone, who is there to root for? Amanda sucks now, JT is rapidly overplaying his hand, Candice still hasn’t made up for being terrible last time, and James and Rupert are James and Rupert. I sincerely hope they get crushed at this point, even though that’s going to make the show boring for awhile.
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After this episode, I lost all respect for Jeff, or maybe I gained some. Maybe it is just me, but is he being really biased this season and favoring the villains? They do make better TV, so why wouldn’t the producers want them to stay around longer? Why didn’t they allow Colby to go into the challenge when James was out? Did they want the villains to win? If the next challenge is all physical, the producers totally want the villains to win. My memory might be funny, but in past seasons if medical was called in for you, you were out of the game, correct?
“Man, America is the husband who gives me a black eye and then tells me he’s sorry, and then I forgive him and always have to spend the off-season recapping Big Brother and pretending I ran into a doorknob.”
That put me on the floor. I heart you, Schoonie. Great recap!
jmportia:
Totally agree. I didn’t understand either why Colby wasn’t put in. It was very early on in the challenge. But if it was Probst’s call that might explain it because unless he’s told what to say he is one of the dumbest people on earth. I saw him on celebrity Jeopardy and couldn’t believe how dumb he actually is.
I was so ticked off that J.T. and Candace didn’t vote with Tom and Colby. I no longer like the Heroes. My sister just started watching Survivor last season and when I tried to explain to her how Rupert got a million without winning she couldn’t understand it. And heraing myself say it I couldn’t understand it either. I actually like Russell better than Rupert.
Do you think if Coach actually won the game he would spontaneously combust into a giant fireball of greatness? Now that would be fun to see.
Thanks for the recap Schoonie. This season is starting to BLOW!
Is it just me or did this season just went from awesome to just meh. I’m not sure who to root for anymore. Seems like everybody likable is getting the boot. Can’t stand Russell, can’t stand James, Amanda, Rupert, J.T…. even Colby after the chocolate incident. F*ck it. I’m just going to root for Candice. She actually seems to be thinking. I’d like for Russell to be gone and then I’ll be completely on the Heroes side. and please let it be a blindside!
Nope, it’s not just you, chibby. This season’s rapidly going downhill for a number of reasons, not least of which is that the heroes are clearly outgunned and in the meantime are just exposing themselves as idiots and/or assholes.
No fun to watch a lopsided game. Which means the producers will be pulling one of their shakeups pretty soon.
If only to protect Rob, since there’s no way they’d want him voted out early. Of course, if the villains keep on winning, that won’t be much of an issue until the merge. But I can see the villains keeping him around for a while anyway, since he’s clearly helping them win.
I sincerely hope that Parvati finds a way to get the idol from Russell. That would be just so completely awesome. I luuuuurvvvve Parvati.
I also hope Coach is fucking with Russell’s mind. Coach can’t be THAT stupid, can he?
I don’t like Rupert, Schoonie, but I do have to defend him on one thing. He didn’t say “I didn’t mean to do that” because he tackled Jerri. He obviously meant to tackle her. He said that because he didn’t mean to slam her face into the fence. Big difference there. And I don’t like Jerri either, but big props to her for not getting all girly and screaming about her face. She must have REALLY wanted that chocolate! lol
I’m not sure why everyone is so in love with Tom. The guy is an ass who thinks he is a god. Same with Colby. Almost every complaint you have against James could be leveled at those two self important prigs. Now admittedly, I liked Colby the first time around. But neither of these guys know how to play the game. They got to the top last time because they made the right alliances. They have NEVER had to really strategize. Glad to see Tom leaving and Colby can’t go soon enough as far as I am concerned. There are 10 former survivors I could think of off the top of my head who I would have rather seen in their spots.
Regarding the thing with not putting Colby in the game after James was hurt… I hoped that Jeff would touch on that in his EW blog but he didn’t. That only leads me to believe that it must be in the rules that once a person is sat out of a challenge, they cannot come back in regardless. If it was his call, he would have mentioned why he didn’t do it. And a rule like that makes sense. Think about it… if there was even a remote possibility that someone could come back in, injuries could be faked to switch people out and help their side win.
Despite that fact that I am disagreeing with you more than I am agreeing with you this season, I still very much enjoy your recaps, Schoonie, and appreciate your efforts to entertain.
jmportia (#1), while I do think the Producers can and do try to influence things by the types of questions they ask people in the confessional interviews and what Jeff asks at tribal, they can’t do it by the types of challenges, as that is determined long ahead of time.
I was sorry to see Tom go, and like many I feel like the wheels are coming off this season. I am going to enjoy the Russel – Boston Rob showdown, but of course the heroes are going to have to f-cking win a challenge before that can happen, so we may be waiting a while.
Schoonie, this recap was absolutely brilliant. Keep ‘em coming!
Missed the episode, don’t care, got the recaps! Did I miss something? Coach being “knighted” by Russell . . . are they in the midst of a manicured lawn with trimmed hedges?
Uh, I was eating an apple fritter and I don’t have one cat picture. Though I do have a picture of Burnham and Root.
In a Russell VS. Rob showdown I suspect Russell will win only because Robs gotten really flabby. I suspect he’s out of shape because he’s been living off his wife’s money all these years.
P.S.You don’t have to worry about James or Rupert being America’s favorite this go round. I think we all know who’s going to win that money.
BTW: Parvati is only hanging out with Russell cause she wants to be around a REAL MAN. A HOT MAN. A SEXY MAN. [uh, It's pretty obvious that Russell is enjoying that alliance too. It's probably a fantasy come to life for him.]
When Tom got voted out, to me it seemed that that sealed the fate of this season becoming boring. That one act guarantees that the heroes will loose all future challenges. They couldn’t win any with two strong players – James and Tom. Now they have lost both of them. So, for the next several weeks, it will be who gets voted off the heroes tribe, which is not going to be relevant to the end game or interesting to watch.
On the other hand, I think that the villians need to throw a challenge to get rid of Russell. If they let him survive to the merge, he will be able to cross to the heroes, bring Parvati and maybe Coach (and maybe Jerri). That group, along with the idol, could change the game. They need to get him out before the merge, when they have the numbers on him. That would be fun to watch!
hey remember all that nice stuff I said about JT last week? Good. Me, either.
great recap of what’s quickly becoming a predictable season. Thanks, schoonie!
I’m with Snootchy Bootches, Tom was insufferable! i think that he took his hero status way too serious. as much as i can’t stand Rupert, he didn’t mean to slam Jerri into that pole–he just meant to get her out of the way and didn’t realize he was slamming her into a pole until it was too late. he looked really upset after he did it–i almost felt sorry for him.
i also think that the heroes biggest mistake was getting rid of Cirie, yes, Cirie. if the heroes go into the merge with fewer players than the villians–which they will–then i don’t see any of the remaining heroes being able to get under the villians skin like Cirie could have. the heroes are now a bunch of followers without a leader. i think that Colby could step up and lead if he would get off his high horse and play the game as it is and not the noble cause he seems to want it to be.
i’ve said it before, but now i’m even more convinced that Russell will make it to the end. hopefully you will get your wish Schoonie cause if that little weasel wins i’m gonna freak. i wish they would get rid of the immunity idols so we could get back to outwit/outlast without a stupid idol saving someone who doesn’t deserve to be there, (i.e. Russell).
James may be a jerk, but that body is AMAZING. i can’t hate on anyone with a butt like that.
So far this season Rob has been allowed to continue after medical served him a bottle of nice, ,fresh water…and james has been allwed back in when he can barely walk. Seems to me the criteria has been loosened a bit.
Mr. Dangerous…Russell is only out-flabbed by Rupert at this point. And Rob may not have a six-pack, but he can outthink Little Man is any and every situation. Little Man will only get farther because of (yet another) idol. He has no game, and he’s physically repulsive. Not a good combination.
I’m still on Team Colby, although it may be futile.
Okay, I realize this is way out in left field–but I like to believe Colby’s reaction to the chocolate sample was a throwback to his season in Australia when Jerri kept tormenting him about dipping his body in chocolate and licking it off. I personally think it was a private joke between Colby and Probst and the rest of the team just followed suit. Or maybe I just like Colby (and Rob). They played the game when it was real. No immunity idols, real hunger and tough living conditions. I just liked this show before anyone (talking to you, Russell) felt they “knew” how to win the game…
Neither Rob’s nor James’ situations were life-threatening, so the rules are pretty clear on that, it’s their call whether they stay or not.
Also, as to whether Colby should have been allowed back in — well, we know that the challenge we see is not exactly as the challenge as it was played out : they heavily edit them, including radically changing the order of how things went down. So for all we know, James went down on the last round, not the first.
I was pretty indifferent to Tom. He doesn’t bother me nearly as much as a smug hypocrite like Rupert or a smug Gollum like Russell do.
YES, bluzgirl, I thought exactly the same thing! Chocolate + Jerri will probably haunt Colby for the rest of his life!
Russell ISN’T flabby.
Russell is HUSKY and he’s getting D-R-E-A-M-I-E-R with each episode.
I believe he said, “I’m not anyone’s chocolate bar!” Harrrummmppphh insinuated–hee
Lame not to sample the chocolate. Not sure about rules, but not fair not to play with even sides, obv that injury wasn’t faked, and frankly, the tackling didn’t matter too much, it was the shooting that counted, and I like to point out, most of the scores were made by the women–right!?
Tom was overly “dry” I guess is the word, completely humorless, but they are so f’in’ dumb for one, leaving James, the most misogynist, dissenting player they’ve got (with an active imagination as to why challenges go wrong) in the game, with even worse, an unusable leg . . . and two, for the woman not seeing James for the douche-burger he is, and siding with whoever wants to get rid of him . . . it’s too soon to get rid of strong one’s coz you’re weak, esp when your tribe is dissolving. Tom was def better for the challenges (and moral)
Wasn’t Coach in the sink hole for the Russell/idol discussion? Not sure if he’s faking the subordination, but if he is, they soooo have lil’ Russ’s number! The only way for Russ to team with a man is for complete submission on the guys part. If he and Rob were smart, they could align secretly and take ‘em all out–but of course, Russ is an idiot, and that will never happen! I’d still target Sandra tho, she’s not that strong, she’s tight with Rob, and frankly, Rob is the main reason they keep winning.
As I always say, how fucked are these producers to give starving people a ton of chocolate, even us eating people, if we feasted on chocolate, would get sick. WTF with the junk food, these people need vitamins and protein!!! Is it me!?
Thanks for your continuing disdain, Schoon, I now officially hate Rupert more than Coach–yes, a miracle!
I just have to say that I do not understand how Rupert won the fan favorite million (or whatever it was called). He is such a tool. And a creepy tool, at that.
My problem with James being allowed back after medical was called, was the damn brace he was wearing.
Seriously, that thing looked like what I wore when I hyperextended my LCL. If he couldn’t make a brace, he shouldn’t have gotten one and should have been out of the game.
Bar Belle…that was kind of what I was saying (although you stated it better) regarding the medical intervention James (and Rob) received. If you get treatment (including clean, bottled water,) you shouldn’t get to return to the game.
Mr. Dangerous…I fear for your sanity. You’re beginning to sound like a 12 year-old girl reading Tiger Beat.
I’m rooting for the villians and can’t stand the Heroes. I used to like them but not this season at all. Go Villians! Until they set it up again for Heroes to win by having a physical challenge and take away another time without a puzzle, which Survivor always has.
Bar Belle, that’s a good point.
I have less of a problem with Rob receiving water, but then I like Rob in the game, and James just sucks.
But giving Rob water is kind of in the same spirit as giving the contestants bags of rice, like they did when the series first started. I’m sure there are other moments of medical intervention that are less dramatic so we never get to see them. These people are, after all, surrounded by cameras and crew all of the time.
No one has pointed out how poorly JT’s been playing this time out. I’m thinking he’s really missing Stephen, who was obviously the mastermind behind his win.
I think people are bitching about James being allowed back in the game simply because they don’t like them. Look back at the seasons… there have been lots of times when people have had medical treat them and then they went back! Heck it has happened two other times THIS SEASON and no one called foul. Both Stephanie and Rupert recieved medical treatment and returned to the game.
Ahem… dang typos. That should be “…simply because they don’t like him.”
cattyfan:
Mr. Dangerous reading Tiger Beat, now that was funny! BTW Mr.D. Russell is all yours!
Funny how things change in life, Coach was a douche, now he’s becoming likable, Tom was a hero, no he’s a douche, Rupert went from fan favorite to pathetic loser. It used to be a sin to shoot pool, now there is a pool table in the basement of every church. Thank goodness there are some constants in life I.E. Schoonie and Flipit are always funny, and Russell is still a troll.
Uh, Russell is too old for TIGER BEAT. Though, if they ever start a magazine called MAN-O-LICIOUS, he would be perfect for that.
For about six months I didn’t see any comments from you Cattyfan. I thought something had happened. Glad you’re back.
Nice to be around
(and nice to see you, too)